A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”



"Because…He’s my newt.

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

I traded my car to get my interest rates lowered

It worked, women are now less interested in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mechanics professor is noticing his class is losing interest...

... so he decides to ask them a question to keep them on their toes.

*"What,"* he asks the class *"is the rate of change of speed?"*

*"Acceleration"* retorts the class.

*"And what, is the rate of change of Acceleration?"*

A couple of students in the class raises their han...

Woody Harrelson was heard recently to have increased interest in computer technology

Especially the RAM part.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

Your essays should be like a girls skirt.

Long enough to cover the subject, short enough to keep it interesting and on the desk by Friday midnight.

I went to a really interesting lecture on kleptomania.

I took a lot from it.

At what age does a secret agent usually get interested in BDSM?

Bond age

Three interesting things happened today ...

First, this guy tells me he's going to vote for Donald Trump in 2020.

Next, two minutes later, he gets hit by a bus.

Then, Trailways fired me.

Why do zombies have no interest in solving easy puzzles?

Because they are no-brainers.

I have been playing this interesting game with my niece recently.

And you just lost it too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old wife tries to get husband interested in sex again...

She makes several attempts but nothing seems to work.

She sees an ad in the church bulletin for crotch-less panties and decides to give that a try.

She put 'em on and lays down on the bed, waiting for him to come home from work.

As soon as he walks in, she does the spread-eagle ...

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'.

So we stopped playing chess.

My 14 year old is finally taking an interest in me. Last night he asked me my date of birth.

Then he asked me what street I grew up on.

This morning he even asked where I met his mom and what was the name of my first pet! ❤❤❤❤❤

Mmmm. Just learned an interesting fact

So apparently anti vaxxed children have mid life crisis at the age of 2

What do you call someone who talks when your not interested?

A teacher.

Man walks into a bank asking for an Interest-Free Checking account

"Who cares?" the receptionist says and sighs.

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?” 
One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales, dumbo!” 
So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?” 
That’s about as far as I remember

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interesting fact about the Canary Islands

Did you know that there's not a single canary bird on the Canary Islands?

Same holds true for the Virgin Islands.

Not a single canary bird there either.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, are you interested in premature ejaculatiors? Cause

Hnnng, nevermind

I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in

She said cheque books.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buck was selling his car and and girl name Kelly was interested in buying it. He said it’s $4,000. She thought a minute and said, “How about $3000 and a blow job?” He said that sounds great . . .

He was happy he got the Kelly Blew Buck price.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

In the Best Interest of the Child...

Miami, FL (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Miami courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My family has a farm and we breed and raise pheasants. An interesting fact most people don’t know about pheasants; they actually die right after having sex

At least the ones I fucked did

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A interesting genie loophole

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: I wish for more-

Genie: no wishing for more wishes!

Me: I wish for more *genies*.

Genie: holy shit.

All the new genies: holy shit.

A friend started telling me about his new found interest in backwards origami...

I'll let you know how it all unfolds.

An Interesting Horse Joke

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.

Chuck replied, Well, then just give me my money back.

Th...

For the lady who was interested in the STD vaccine, we have it.

May she speak now or forever hold herpes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford ne...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn

Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging ...

Interesting

Interesting, isn’t it, that "take out" refers to food, romantic dating, and assassination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone else hate it when a girl pulls the “I have a boyfriend” line on you when you aren’t even remotely interested in her?

...My wife really acts fucking strange sometimes.

I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making

by making you an otter you can't defuse.

I’ve been studying gemmology, I’ve always had an interest it it

You could say I find it facet-nating

On my way home yesterday, I saw a guy with interesting hair dressed up as a Greek god.

He said his name was “Afro-dite”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.

She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.

To the women who say "Men are only interested in one thing"

Have you ever considered being more interesting?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If opinions really were like assholes

my uncle would show a lot more interest in my opinion.

A blind man went to a restaurant.

menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man.
The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

Anyone can make $1m a year by simply putting $50m in a bank for the interest. Bit not everyone knows how to earn $50m. I do

Put $2.5b in a bank.

I was out shopping the other day and found a very interesting item: curduroy pillowcases

I think they're gonna make headlines

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

What do public interest lawyers and U2 fans have in common?

They’re pro Bono.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a girl who liked to try new sexual positions. She wanted to do it standing up while balancing on one leg. It was interesting but . . .

we didn’t get off on the right foot.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I lo...

My friend started calling the girls I was interested in very bad snipers

Because not even they would take me out.

Each time I took a girlfriend home...

Each time I took a girlfriend home to my mother she made it very clear she didn't like the girl and she thought she wasn't good enough for me. Sometimes it was her looks, sometimes her interests and sometimes even the sound of her voice.

One day I was so tired of it, I decided I would find a ...

I think this girl in my class is interested in me. She just winked at me...

With both eyes...

*at the same time.*

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

If anyone is interested in a concert that only costs $0.45

It's 50 cent featuring NickelBack

After a Coronavirus vaccine is developed

anti-vax people would need to make a very interesting choice

Little Johnny At The Park

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOM...

A redditor with an interest in fencing was on r/rareinsults

He found an amusing and witty retort, and was about to upvote, but alas he remembered. It was a riposte

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

A professor asks a graduate student what he's working on these days.

"I'm writing a thesis on the survival of the class system in America," the student said.

"Oh, that's interesting. I didn't know there was a class system in America."

"No one does. That's how it survives."

I'm gonna assassinate the prime Minister and I need help from you guys

Shoot me a pm if interested

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman visits a flower shop to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Y...

I’m selling my dead batteries.

They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend taught me something interesting: the swastika is an ancient Indian religious symbol, only appropriated recently by Hitler as a symbol of hate.

I said, “Brett, that’s interesting, but are you really going to explain that to every employer that asks about your tattoo?“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently, a woman was knocking on my door asking me if I was interested in her product.

She told me this: “I am the representative from the carpet cleaning company down the street and we were wondering if you were interested in one of our products.” I looked at her and saw the LGBTQ+ button on her shoulder. “Sure. What is it called?” “The Carpet Muncher.”

A bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a whisky... and a cola"

Interested, the bartender asks, "why the big pause?"

The bear shrugs,"I was just born with them I guess"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

A blonde wants to travel abroad.

She parks her car in front of a bank near the airport and gets out with her trolleys. She then enters the bank and walks to the next teller.

Blonde: Hello, I want to get a loan for $1000,-

Teller: Very well. But I need a credit security in order to grant you that loan.

Blonde: ...

Interesting misconception regarding Type O Blood

Initially, the medical community referred to it as 'Type Zero' blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins. The term was misinterpreted to what it is today. You could venture as far as saying it's a **typo.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the store looking to buy vegetables

She walks up the the grocer and says "Excuse me, I would like to buy a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says "Oh I am sorry but we do mot have broccoli anymore. Can i interest you in some cabbage?"

The woman insists "No, I want a pound of broccoli"

The grocer says in a confused man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to an interest-free bank.

Man : I would like to open an account.

Banker : Who the fuck cares?

A farmer named Clyde had a tractor accident...

In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

An interesting chat

Me : My wife has died, but tears are not coming out of my eyes.
My friend : No problem, just imagine she came back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girl asked me to show more interest in her family...

...so I fucked her sister.

It was the height of the Clone Wars, and Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin had just finished a heated battle against separatist spacecraft.

After making sure that the civilian freighter they were escorting was undamaged, they prepared to hyperspace jump back to Coruscant. However, just as their craft are about to enter lightspeed, a mysterious pulse of energy fries their systems and instead jumps them to a planet they’ve never seen befo...

Just watched a really interesting documentary about ship building.

Riveting.

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

In a bus...

... a grandma looks with interest a girl that has a hieroglyphs tattoo on her neck

Gi: "Hey granny, what are you looking at?"

Gr: "At what is written on your neck, darling."

Gi: "So what? Tattoos haven't existed when you were young?"

Gr: "Babe, we had them to, but... I w...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

What did the USSR have in common with hipsters?

They lost interest in going to the moon after someone else had already been there

Looking to play a game of D&D. If anyone is interested, please

DM me

Man walks into a bar.... with a dog

Bartender says “ you out! No dogs allowed.”

The man says, “ but it’s a talking dog.”

The bar keep is interested. “ what do you mean a talking dog?”

The dog owner looks at his dog and asks, “ what is on top of a house?”

Roof roof says the dog.

The bartender points t...

My wife has an interesting way of beginning sentences.

She always starts with, “Hey, are you even listening?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's interesting about vampire sex?

They only come at night.

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

A guy at the beach hears from his friends that chicks will show more interest in you if you put a potato in your swim trunks.

He tries this for a while but gets flustered when all the girls keep pointing and laughing at him.
So his friends explain to him that you're supposed to put the potato in the FRONT of your bathing suit.

I had an out of body experience, but it wasn't that interesting

I was practically beside myself

I’m trying to get my mom to understand my interest in plasma

But she keeps telling me that it’s just a phase

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man figured his wife was cheating on him

So he decided to go to the pet store and find an animal that could somehow tell him what was going on while he was at work.
He asked the pet shop keeper if he had anything of interest. “I’ve got these talking grey parrots, but they’re 5000 dollars each” the shop keeper said. “Way too much” as the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital, saying that "after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex".

A hospital spokesman replied: "Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

After falling on hard times, Mike Tyson decided to set up a "get punched by a celebrity" booth at the state fair, but sadly there was little interest.

Yeah he was hoping for a punch line too.

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?

Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

So a duck walks into a bar...

And the duck says "can I get a glass of beer?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says "you are a talking duck!" And the duck says "I am indeed". The bartender hands him the drink. The duck pays for it. The next day the duck comes in and asks for the same thing, pays, and leaves. This carries on...

A guy is about to get married the next day when his bride’s sister offers an interesting proposition....

As he’s sitting on the couch, she confesses she has had a crush on him for a long time, and wants one time with him—no one will ever know.

She says “Don’t answer now. If you’re interested come upstairs to my room. If not, you can leave or whatever, no problem.”

She goes upstairs and h...

How do you know Minecraft Steve is interested in a a girl?

He looks at her chest.

Why do banks hate hot, single women?

Because they are alone with no interest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the business executives on relations with their female colleagues?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.

“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told ...

Three heftier women enter a bar and order their drinks. The bartender says, "Y'all have some interesting accents. You broads from Scotland?"

They glare at him and one says, "Wales."

He says, "Ok... You whales from Scotland?"

Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.