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A teacher in 1st grade at school is angry with a student that always swears and pays no attention to the lesson

"what's your problem?" Teacher asks

"Miss, I think I shouldn't be in the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm far smarter than her. I should be at least in the 3rd grade" he replies.

She goes with him to the principal, with whom agree to do some knowledge tests.

-wha...

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

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What grades did Hitler get in art school?

Not C's

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

There was once a hillbilly in first grade

His teacher once asked him:

"Do you know what the chicken gives us?"

"Eggs" he answered

"Correct, anything else?"

"More eggs"

"Beside the eggs, what does the chicken give us?"

"Even more eggs, ma'am"

"I'll give you a hint - it's something fluffy"
<...

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When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.

Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd

What did Sherlock Holmes say when Dr. Watson asked him what grade an eight year-old was in?

Elementary, my dear Watson!

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A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school..

A sixth grade boy named Timmy was in charge of taking his little brother to school for the first day of kindergarten. As Timmy got on the school bus, the bus driver stopped Timmy and said, "Timmy, who's that?" while pointing at his little brother.

"That's my little brother," said Timmy qui...

What do you call someone that graduates from medical school with the lowest grades ?

A doctor.

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Nicky, a boy in 6th grade, came home from school...

He sat at the dinner table. He looked very confused and agitated, so his father sat next to him.

Dad - “What’s wrong son? Rough day at school?”

Nicky - “Yes sir, some of the other boys were making fun of me.”

Dad - “Well what for? Maybe I can help.”

Nicky - “Tommy Je...

We were learning about energy in 3rd grade...

I raised my hand curiously and the teacher called on me and I asked “What energy do lights use?” She looked at me hesitantly, as if I asked about a forbidden knowledge, questioning what she should respond with and said “I would tell you but the answer is very shocking.” Frustrated with the answer, ...

[OC] What's the difference between Grade A and Grade B beef?

One studied harder.

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A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.

The teacher says to Susie, "Tell the class why you want to be a teacher."

Susie says, "Actually, I want to be a stripper."

The teacher asks, "A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession."

Susie says, "That was before I saw your tiny apartment."


(Origina...

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What is it called when you fuck your teacher to get a better grade?

Hands-on-learning

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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.

She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little...

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Little Johnny in 1st grade!

The first grade teacher Mrs. Pyne gives an assignment to her students and she says, "I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that begins with that letter."

She goes in order and begins with the letter A. "Who can give me a word that begins with the letter A. Li...

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A teacher asked his class of second grade students, “What do you know about Viagra?”

“Sir,” Little Johnny replied, “it is used for Diarrhea.”

The teacher was surprised. “Whatever gave you this idea?” he asked, “Who told you this?”

”Nobody,” Johnny replied, “but I hear my mother telling my father everyday at night – ‘Take a Viagra, may be that little shit of yours wil...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

Teacher to a grade 2 student : Who is the youngest member in your family ? STUDENT : Papa

Teacher : How ?

Student : Because he still sleeps with mummy.

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Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal."

The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple ...

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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?" "I just saw one of your garters!" he replied. "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for two days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realising she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the v...

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the ange...

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

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A 3rd grade teacher...

Prepares her 9 year olds for a writing class.

Teacher: “class we will be learning how to write without lifting your pencil off the paper!”

Little Johnny: “I know how to do that!”

Teacher: “You know how to write without lifting off the page!”

Little Johnny : “Yes ma’am t...

Back in grade school my teacher asked me to say a sentence that sounded intriguing.

Me: “My dog died.”

Teacher: “What kind of sentence is that?”

Me: “It’s a death sentence”

“Can you please change my grade?”

“Of course,” Tom remarked.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

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A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th grade. Which one is the sexiest?

The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18

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Alexzandre told his mom he had the biggest dick in the 8th grade.

He asked her if it was because he was Polish. She said, “No, it’s because you’re eighteen. "

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A guy suddenly let out a big fart nearby a 4th grade class road trip to a historical war landmark

A young kid who happened to hear it got close to the guy and asked him "Sir, what was that?"

The guy, sweating nervously tried to invent a lie "Errrr, see kid... that was... the cannon of the historical park nearby, that was, er... announcing that it's five o' clock, yeah!"

There was a...

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A third grade teacher asks the class to each tell her where their fathers work.

About half way through the class she notices one of the little boys sobbing with his head down on his desk. When she asks the little boy what was wrong he replies “my daddy is dead”. The teacher feeling horrible says “I’m so sorry. What did your daddy do before he died?” The little boy says “He tur...

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually she asks "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storm...

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Just found out that my old 3rd grade teacher is now doing time in prison for sexually assaulting a student.

I gotta say, he always rubbed me the wrong way.

Grades

My mom is so strict about grades when the doctor told her my blood type is B+, she yelled and told me to do better.

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There is this child in 1st grade and he's doing poorly in school.

His dad is concerned and asked what he can do to help. The child tells his father "Dad, if you get me 2 pink ping pong balls, I'll get my grades up." The child gets 2 pink ping pong balls and gets his grades up and moves onto second grade.

In 2nd grade, he's not doing well again. He tells his...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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When I was in 4th grade, one of the boys in my class called me "a homo" in front of the class and I thought it meant "homeless".

And I was confused, so I said, "But Jeremy, you've been to my house!"

If your professor dies during your online class, what grade would you get?

An F.
To pay respects.

In 8th grade english class I wrote a script titled "The Pun"

The very first set description in the script said that the stage was to be painted over with random words and phrases.


When I handed in the assignment, my teacher came up to me and asked: "Why is your script titled 'The Pun' and why is the floor covered with phrases?"

"Because m...

Security question: What was the last name of your first grade teacher?

My first grade teacher hacking my bank account: I'm in

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A third-grade science teacher asks her students, "If you could have one substance in the world, what would it be?"

"I would have gold," says Harold. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Harold, "I could sell the gold and make a lot of money."

"I would have platinum," says Susie. "Why?" asks the teacher. "Well," says Susie, "I could sell the platinum and make even more money than Harold."

"I would ...

One from 3rd Grade: What's the name of the funniest mountain range?

The Himhilarious

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[NSFW] One time after swimming class with 3th grade the boys in the locker room noticed that I wasn't circumcised.

I first noticed it when I heard some whispering while getting changed. Eventually in class they where still talking about it the whole time. During recess a group of kids came to me to ask if they can see it. First I was a little shy, but after some pear pressure I gave in.
So we went to the toil...

What do you call a nut that gets good grades?

An academia nut..

A second-grade teacher is giving her daily grammar lesson.

“Tammy,” the teacher calls out to a girl in the first row of class, “please use ‘I’ in a sentence.”

“I is,” Tammy begins, but was immediately interrupted.

“No, Tammy,” the teacher says, “that’s incorrect. You always say ‘I am.’”

“All right,” Tammy says. “I am the letter that ...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

I fell in love in fifth grade

We laughed together.

We cried together.

We hugged.

We kissed.

I lost my teaching license and now face criminal charges.

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

I was so smart I was called special in grade 2...

any way its been 4 years and I'm 15 now

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A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.

She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.

A little girl in the back raises her hand and says "No ma'am I had a cat who stuttered."

The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.

The little girl stands up and says " Well we ha...

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I remember running from a fight in the 5th grade. My grandma said "either you fight him, or you fight me"

I whoopped her ass that day.

When I was in 2nd grade, my dog Brick was hit by a car and killed, and my mom tried to console me. She said, "He's probably already in Heaven with God."

I said, "Why would God want a dead dog?"

Why did the music thief get such good grades?

He was really good at taking notes

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Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

Grade school question, what day doesn't end in "Y" ?

Tomorrow.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis.

He decides to leave the medical profession and become an auto mechanic. He goes to auto mechanic school, and pretty soon it's time for the final exam.
He finishes the exam and is amazed that the instructor has given him a grade of 200. He says to the instructor, "I thought the highest you could s...

A father asked his son about his grades...

Son: They're underwater.

Father: What do you mean underwater?

Son: They're below 'C' level.

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however,...

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Bad Math Grade

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father, "I got an F in math today."
His father replies, "What happened?"
The boy says, "Well, my teacher asked me, 'What's 3 times 2', and I said 6.'"
The father replies, "Well, that's correct."
The boy says, "I know. Then she asked me, '...

A joke my second grade teacher used to tell

Every Friday after school, a young boy named Timmy would go to the corner store for an after-school treat.

There would always be a group of rowdy older boys loitering outside the store. Every time Timmy came by they'd pull him aside. The leader would reveal a dollar in his left hand and a qua...

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

In a graduating class of med students, what do you call the person with the lowest grades?

Doctor

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school

One day he surprised his teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"

Thank you to my first grade teacher for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

Once a mathematics professor noticed that his kitchen sink at home broke down.

He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day, sealed a few screws and everything worked perfectly.

The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.

"This is a third of my monthly salary!", he yelled.

Well, all the sam...

What grade did the socialist get from economics?

Top Marx

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One time in first grade at recess...

I went up to this girl I liked in my class and started talking to her. This lil asshole kid came up and loudly exclaimed "shes MY girlfriend" I was mad so I punched him as hard as I could in the nose. Blood and tears everywhere. In an act of passion I kissed the girl and the other teachers freaked o...

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

When I was in grade school a girl showed me her "peepee". I showed mine, teacher caught it.

And then they fired me.

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.”

So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

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What if I tell you there is a way to stop all the kids in the school making fun of you because you are still a virgin?

Just start giving them bad grades.

A 4th grade teacher told her class that she’d be willing to answer any questions that they had.

One of the girls in the back raised her hand and asked “Can a 9 year old get pregnant?”

The teacher responded “Of course not love. I don’t know why you’d even ask that?”

Then the boy sitting next to the girl yelled “I told you there’s nothing to worry about Mary”

In grade school, I had a math teacher named Mrs. Baker...

To this day, I do not understand why she tried to teach us that 6 + 6 equals 13.


^^inspired ^^by ^^Mitch ^^Hedberg

Once, two kids (a boy and a girl) of grade 2 went to the staffroom.

The boy curiously asks his teacher, “Sir, is it possible for kids to have children???”

The teacher smiles and says, “No, my dear...!”

The boy then turns towards the girl and says:

“See, I told you not to worry...!!”

Teacher faints.

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A first grade student said, “Teacher teacher! Kyle has his pants down again!”

The teacher goes, “PRINCIPAL KYLE, IM’A NEED YOU TO GET OUT RIGHT NOW!”

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The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand ...

I remember the first time I heard the word parabolic, I was in sixth grade...

I said "Dang! That must be a heck of a lot worse then what my Daddy's got!"

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I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam

She passed.

I’m putting my grades up for adoption. You know why?

Because I can’t raise them.

I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.

That's how I lost my teaching license.

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I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.

So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Trump is walking down the street with his buddy, Mike Pence...

They're enjoying a little stroll about Parliment when they see a kid smoking a cigarette.

Trump, apalled, asks the boy what grade he's in.

"Two," replied the boy.

Trump starts berating the boy about how he shouldn't be smoking at such a young age, when Pence grabs him by the sho...

After having failed his exam in Logic, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my grade as is and go. If you howev...

What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

A teacher calls her first grade class

from recess. She goes up to little Sally and asked, "Sally, what did you do at recess?" "I played in the sand box." "Good. Now, if you can spell the word 'sand' on the black board, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." So she spells the word right and gets a cookie. Then comes in little Billy. "Billy...

So I was training to collect pollen

And my final grade was a B

They did not take me in the army.

I was given the 4P grade, apparently the first one ever. That means in the event of war, I am a hostage.

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When a fly drops three inches...

{Sorry if this is a repost, I haven’t seen it before and I heard this back in eighth grade.}


There was a fly dancing three inches above the water.

A fish saw it and thought, “If that fly drops three inches, I can get the fly and eat it!”

By the shore is a bear. The bear see...

A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from New York City got into a fight. Who won?

The 5th grader from Alabama, because he’s 18 years old.

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

What do you call a group of 8th grade boys arguing about calculus?

Math debaters

I once got a summer job to grade the county gravel roads.

I got fired when I started flunking all the roads for being too bumpy.

A first grade teacher is looking to kill a few minutes at the end of the school day.

She asks the kids if any one has an interesting story that happened with their family.

One kid stands up and blurts out, "Last week my uncle fell down the well"

The teacher gasps and asks "Is your uncle ok?"

"I think so", answers the kid.

" What do you mean?", said the te...

A teacher asked her 6th Grade class how many of them were Trump fans...

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Trump fans.


Not really knowing what a Trump fan is, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.


The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different....

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Does your Dick reach your Asshole?

A boy passes Freshman year of high school with an A, so happily he goes to father asking for a 100 dollars so he can party with his friends.
Father asks him, "Does your Dick reach your Asshole?" to which the boy obviously says no. So the father denies his request.

In the Sophomore year the...

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the ot...

What did the teacher do with her students reports on the history of cheese?

She graded them

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

A rabbi is hiring an assistant...

Rabbi Hoffman is hiring an assistant, and he’s interviewing a young man named Uri for the job.

The rabbi read through Uri’s resume. He had extensive community service, excellent grades, and had never missed service.

“This all looks very good, young man. I’m going to need help cleaning...

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Little Johnny meets Nancy Pelosi.

Nancy Pelosi was visiting a primary school in Tampa and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Pelosi if she would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Democrat asked the clas...

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

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Little Timmy was in 3rd Grade

One day he went to class and as soon as he sat down, his teacher walked up to him and slammed a test on his desk. “You’re an absolute failure!” she yelled at him. Little Timmy was devastated, he’d never been yelled at like this before, but he bottled up his emotions and did his work. The class ended...

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

Ms. Jenkins was asking multiplication questions to fourth grade students. It was Toby's turn...

Ms. Jenkins asked, "Toby, what's five times five?" Toby found the question hard and after thinking about it for a minute he said "I think it's 25!" Ms. Jenkins was disappointed. She said "Toby dear, you are old enough. You shouldn't think to answer this question." Toby replied, "Well then, I don't t...

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Little Johnny is learning math in Mrs. Smith’s 4 grade class...

Mrs Smith asks little Johnny,

“If there are 5 pigeons on a fence and a farmer shoots one, how many are left?”

“None, as the rest would fly away!”

“No little Johnny, there would be 4, but I like the way you think.”

Little Johnny then got peeved so he asked Mrs. Smith,
<...

First grade teacher: John, how did you manage to stop having spelling errors in your homework this week?

John: My mom is out of town.

Why don't black holes get good grades ?

They aren't bright enough.

Mike Tyson was arrested at a 5th grade sitting bee his first time judging

The word was Dictate.

[Spelling Bee Contestant] Can you use it in a sentence?

[Mike Tyson] The woman said my dictate good.

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