Do this at your own risk!

If you say "bloody mary" 3 times at exactly 2 am in the morning in front of a mirror and you spin 10 times, you get dizzy

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, fath...

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

Why don't vegan take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession.


\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war.
\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing!
\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week!
\- Well yo...

Whale of a joke

**Why should you never hump a whale...**

They may feel a bit blue,
some may think it's great,
others may find it killer;
But you always run the risk of finding the one that will humpback.

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is this couple that loves going to nude beaches...

So this beautiful couple frequently visits nude beaches, as both of them get turned on by seeing each other, as well as other people and couples, walking around in the nude in public. They know some friends and regulars from the beaches, but typically keep to themselves and "people-watch" while the...

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

Doctor: Ive got some good news and some bad news

Patient: Hit me doc I can take it


Doc: The good news is you no longer have cancer


Patient: Thats fantastic


Doc: The bad news is youre severly depressed and at risk


Patient: Thats impossible Ive never been happier


Doc: Your medical bill says othe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subs...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

Sometimes I wish was a lawyer.

Then I wish that I was defending a Penguin.

This way I could one day stand in front of a judge and mutter the words "Clearly, your Honor, my client is not a flight risk!"

GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located wh...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

I don’t eat alphabet soup

Because I won’t risk taking an L

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,

"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mir...

An Investment Banker Was Getting Married.

During Wedding, The Wife Vomits.
Husband: "What Happened?"
Wife: "Capital Gains Arising Out Of Previous Investment."
Husband: "U cheated me.."
Wife: "U should know, mutual fund investments are subject to market risks!"

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it’s sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In town and all alone!!!

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age. So she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages”.


She looked through the phone bo...

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.

The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:

- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.

"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband

- Why? You can make a beautiful ...

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction...

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an exp...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.

Apparently I am on an oral contraceptive.

Every time my wife is in the mood for sex, I say something stupid and suddenly she has a headache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

R. Kelly has been denied bail

The judge believed he was a flight risk.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was invited to a party full of vegans, but I wasn't there for very long.

We all sat down on the floor. Somebody brought out Monopoly, Frustration, Scrabble, Chess, Risk, Uno, Checkers, Yahtzee, Trivial Pursuit and Connect Four.

Everybody in the room suddenly turned to me. The guy that had brought in all these games said, "So, which one shall we play?"

"Erm,...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashes on an island and three men survive...

After wandering the island for a day, they come across a group of natives. Luckily, one of the natives could speak their language, and offers the survivors a challenge.

"First, search our land and retrieve ten fruit. Return to my hut by sunset tomorrow with the fruit, and be prepared for the...

A local Scientist recieves an anonymous tip...

One day a local scientist named Steve was sent a mysterious email. The email read:

Steve I know who you are, and where you live. My name must remain anonymous, so as of now you may refer to me as "Somebody". Steve I contact you because my independent studies have discovered a massive earthqua...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Farmer's Dilemma

A farmer had some wolves take out a couple of his best young chickens, a pullet (young female chicken) and a cock (male chicken). He heard that his neighbor down the road had a few fine chickens for sale so he decided to walk over to see if he could strike a deal.

The farmer arrives at his n...

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old man goes to the doctor...

An older gentleman goes to the doctor and tells him he has erectile dysfunction. The doc scratches his chin, and then snaps his fingers.

"I've got just the thing for you! This is a new medicine; just cleared clinical trials. You'll feel like you're twenty again!"

"Anything to get me ba...

Some steaks walk into a bar...

The bartender tells them

“We don’t serve meat here”

They reply

“Good, we’re vegetarians”

“Beef is not allowed in this bar”

“Good, we got not beef with anyone here”

“I don’t see too many steaks like you guys”

“Good, we’re pretty rare”

The barten...

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A shy 8th grader has a wooden eye.

He was born with only one working eye and constantly feels insecure about his condition which he is ridiculed for by the rest of his class. But he is not the only person in the class subject to the class' tormentors. There also happens to be a young girl in the class who is frequently made fun of fo...

Why shouldn’t fishermen become recreational boaters?

Their risk of stroke becomes much higher

so, I was out walking my usual night walk.

a woman was walking, a few meters in front of me, she was about 5 years younger than me. She had a purse that looked kinda expensive and a fur coat.

suddenly she started to walk faster, I got startled why did she begin to walk faster? I was too scared to look behind me so I just started walki...

Two men are sitting in a bar

One man looks at the other and says

"So, you're married right? You and your wife ever.... Get freaky, and decide to put it in the other hole?"

The second man responds

"WHAT!? And run the risk of getting pregnant? Hell no!"

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar

An irish dwarf and a doctor walk into a bar, its about 5 in the afternoon but they start putting down drinks like no other. The dwarf not wanting to risk it and drive home decides to call his wife for a ride. He tells her "i was just with a doctor, and I'm a wee bit smashed" and she tells him "Reall...

I rode my bike to the liquor store to get a bottle of scotch.

I bought the scotch, and put the bottle in the little basket on the front of my bike. But then I realized that if I fell over, the bottle was going to break and the scotch would be gone! So I decided not to risk it and I drank the whole bottle right then.

Thank God I did, because I fell over ...

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He’s such a risk taker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made this myself. I'm very proud

A priest is visited by Christ himself in his dream. The Son of God warns him that danger is coming his way, and his family will be at risk as well. The priest asks for guidance, and Jesus takes pity on him and says, "give your blessing to the droplets of my land." And with that, the priest wakes up....

My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me

Maybe i shouldn't take that risk

Foot, Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot

There's a road, on one side is a beautiful green field and on the other side is a horrible muddy field with three sheep. The first sheep is named Foot, the second sheep is named Foot Foot and the third sheep is named Foot Foot Foot. One day Foot said to Foot Foot and Foot Foot Foot "Bah, Foot Foot a...

Burial dilemma.

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.

Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $5,000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".

Man:"I'll take the body home!!!"

Priest:"Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of...

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man walks into a lamp post

"Ouch!" the lamp post shrieked. "that was hella painful"

Appalled by what he heard, the young man went all crazy and started running down the streets, where he saw road crossing chickens, stupid blondes, fatherless black kids and an insane number of lawyers, engineers, priests, scientists, do...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.