The 87+ Best Risk Jokes

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

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A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

A man went to the dentist to schedule getting a tooth pulled.

"I don't have a lot of money." he confessed. "Is there any way we could make the procedure cheaper?"

"I suppose for a small discount," thought the dentist, "We could reuse some of our disposable tools. It may slightly increase your risk of infection, but, theoretically, you should be fi...

A man is approached by a suspicious looking guy…

A man is approached in the street by a suspicious looking guy.

“Wanna make a quick buck? Follow me,” He says.

The man, after some thought, says what the hell and decides to follow him. After a door, a long flight of stairs, and a lengthy hallway,
the man about to bail on the whol...

The Case Of The Industrial Fire

The industrial fire had been raging for a few hours and no one was able to stop it. Someone called all the fire stations in the nearby towns, and almost all of them were there within minutes. Despite managing to contain the fire by forming a circle around it, the center was still going strong, with ...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

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A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

Do you know why no one tells Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris" jokes?

They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat!

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This morning, when I woke up, I had something of an epiphany.

There I was, snuggled in on both sides by my two of my cats, and I thought about the memes that ask what you'd do differently in your life if you could.

You see, I've had good luck in my life, and bad luck in my life. There are some things I simply don't want to risk experiencing again, so ...

A landlord’s lesson…

A pub landlord is struggling with the cost of living crisis. Customers are down and costs are soaring. To get his business back on track, he decides the best way forward is to host an event to draw in new customers. Noticing the cobwebs in some of the dimly lit corners of the pub, he has a stroke of...

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The old man and the blond

An 80 year old Oil billionaire and a 25-year-old blonde runway model are getting married today.

In an effort to prove that she wasn’t out for the old man’s money, she asked her husband to arrange for separate honeymoon suites.

This way after the marriage was consummated, he could go b...

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

A man and his falcon are arrested for attempting an armed robbery

It seems like it'll be a couple of months before the pair can be tried in court, so it's up to the police to deal with them in the meantime. After much debate, they come to a decision, and the next morning an officer comes to the county jail and gestures for the man to follow him. The officer explai...

Making jokes wearing a bee costume isn't always easy

But they don't understand that sometimes you have to risk it for the bee skit.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”

The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

My dad caught me shoplifting and said, "you're taking a big risk…

we need the travel version."

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Two friends are out drinking..

... when the first one says:"Hey Buddy, have you ever thought about, well you know, putting it in your wife's other hole?"

To which the second one replies:"AND RISK HER GETTING PREGNANT?!?!"

Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

A traditional tunisian joke I was told by my grandmother and she heard from hers

The bey(King) was missing his mistress who was living far away. He decided to pay her a visit wearing his more expensive clothes, but out of precaution, he decided to first ask his wazir(minister) of weather whether there would be rain on that day.
The wazir paused for 5 minutes, assessing the cl...

A Gambler Retires

This guy had a serious gambling problem, but thankfully tended win quite often. He amassed a colossal sum of money over many decades of his vice, and decided to retire to somewhere far away. He ran across pictures online of a location that seemed to be perfect for him: a mountainous region in Easter...

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A 90 years old man goes to the doctor...

Doctor asks: "How are you?"

Old man: "Very good, I have new girlfriend! She is thirty years young!"

Doctor: "Uhm... Ok... But you know, any kind of sexual activity could be deadly!"

Old man: "That's a risk I am willing to take, would be a shame if she died, though!"

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Oldest cake joke

A rabbit visits a bakery and asks if they make carrot cake.

The baker says they don't, so the rabbit buys a key lime pie.

This repeats several days until the baker is sick of it and decides to try making one.

The next time the rabbit enters, the baker proudly tells that they do ...

A guy with Crohn's disease didn't want to get on a plane with a bunch of other people due to the risk of Covid with his pre-existing condition....

...so he took a sharter flight.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

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It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted

*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

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A man is driving home one night and almost falls asleep while driving...

"God dammit," he thought, "I'll never be able to stay awake on the road, and I don't have money for a motel. I'm not gonna risk it, I'll just pull over to the side of the road and take a little nap."

He parks his car just outside of a park, and kicks his seat back. "I don't need much, maybe j...

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8 Life Lessons — NOT OC

I'll credit this as last posted by u/NinjaNoob99.

-----

*SHOWER:*

A woman gets out of the shower just as her husband is going to his room. Hearing a knock on the front door, she wraps herself in her bathrobe before stepping outside. She sees her neighbor, who says "I'll give you...

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I once read an article...

I once read an article that said that regular masturbation helped reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

But I have a friend who told me that drinking alcohol can *increase* the risk of prostate cancer.

That's why now every time I drink a beer, I rub one off.

I just wish the barten...

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

I’m sorry ma’am your husband has diabetes

And if he doesn’t change he’s diet soon, he’s at risk for a heart attack or a possible stroke.

Lady: “We’d like to get a second opinion”

Doctor: “Okay. He’s ugly, too.”

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How mu...

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

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A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

A Roman soldier went down on Messalina, the wife of Emperor Claudius. He knew he was risking death, nevertheless he was

glad he ate her

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist bombing the plane. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage.

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

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I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

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A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

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LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

McCormick spices are at a huge risk

The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,

It would be a season-ending injury

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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

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A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

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who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

Try at your own risk.

Foreign tourist: What is the greatest adventure sport in India?

Indian man: \*Looks sadly at ring on his hand\* Arranged marriage.

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"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt.

That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.

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Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

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New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

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BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

Studies show that lithium can significantly reduce suicide risk.

But I always want to kill myself when the battery dies

This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

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