It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

I know this is a risk of being a political joke... But here is the joke:

Our Political system.

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

Studies have shown that people with more curves have a much higher risk of catching the virus.

Scientists are working hard to flatten the curve.

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

why are basketball players who suck at dribbling a high risk for covid 19?

because they've traveled recently

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

Do this at your own risk!

If you say "bloody mary" 3 times at exactly 2 am in the morning in front of a mirror and you spin 10 times, you get dizzy

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

Research Shows Bad Jokes Increase Risk of Getting Sick

Because it makes you facepalm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shaking hands increases the risk of contracting Coronavirus

Michael J. Fox is fucked.

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

Why don't vegans take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

I just bought a car.

I'm now at risk for the Car-Owner Virus.

I stole a boardgame once

It was a Risk I was willing to take

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

American police officers take too many risks...

... it’s all just a shot at the dark.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Very inappropriate and even gross!!! Read at your own risk!!

There is this girl trying to save up money for a prom dress! So day in day out she is trying to raise money for her dress because her dad won't give her the money for it. She is still shy of a few hundred dollars and she is racking her brain to figure out some sort of way to raise that money in time...

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Studies show that lithium can significantly reduce suicide risk.

But I always want to kill myself when the battery dies

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located wh...

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession.


\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war.
\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing!
\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week!
\- Well yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subs...

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it’s sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

Whale of a joke

**Why should you never hump a whale...**

They may feel a bit blue,
some may think it's great,
others may find it killer;
But you always run the risk of finding the one that will humpback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.

Apparently I am on an oral contraceptive.

Every time my wife is in the mood for sex, I say something stupid and suddenly she has a headache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

Doctor: Ive got some good news and some bad news

Patient: Hit me doc I can take it


Doc: The good news is you no longer have cancer


Patient: Thats fantastic


Doc: The bad news is youre severly depressed and at risk


Patient: Thats impossible Ive never been happier


Doc: Your medical bill says othe...

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said I was stupid for taking unnecessary risks.

At least I think that's what she said. I was too busy trimming my pubes with a chainaw at the time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

I got summoned for jury duty today...

When my name was eventually called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.

Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a bathroom.

Much to their surprise, the mirror greets them, saying,

"I am a magic mirror. Each one of you can tell me one way you think you are better than each of the other ladies. If you are right I will give you a reward beyond anything you could imagine. If you are wrong, I will suck you into the mir...

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel

While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.

A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.

The husband thinks about it for a while a...

I told my blond friend, that they have higher risk of cancer.

The next day she colored her hair black.
courtesy: Choke by Chuck palahniuk

Hannibal Lector was caught in a hospitals ICU, munching on a comatose patient

"Dr. Lector", Clarise Starling asked him when they were re-united, "why did you take such a risk to go into a busy ICU unit?"

"Simple, my dear Clarise...I've gone vegetarian."

Sometimes I wish was a lawyer.

Then I wish that I was defending a Penguin.

This way I could one day stand in front of a judge and mutter the words "Clearly, your Honor, my client is not a flight risk!"

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were to be executed during a dictatorship.

Method of execution: Firing squad

The brunette was up, the gunmen readied their weapons, the captain started the countdown ... 3...2...1

The brunette exclaimed : "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

The gunmen were terrified! Fearing their impending doom at the face of such a natural phenomenon, the...

This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

I don’t eat alphabet soup

Because I won’t risk taking an L

My wife insisted on a threesome with that Terminator actor

I didn’t want to risk trouble so as soon as he turned up I said “I’ll be front”

Today a criminal pigeon was remanded to jail without bail

Apparently he was a flight risk

Husband and wife go on a holiday in Jerusalem.

His wife has an accident and dies.

The guide explains to her husband the possibilities for her funeral:

- It would cost you $ 5000 to send her home or $ 150 to bury her here.

"I think I'm going to choose the first option," said the husband

- Why? You can make a beautiful ...

Whenever I receive a large number of resumes for a job posting, I seperate them into two piles...

Then I throw one of the piles in the garbage. I don't want to risk hiring someone unlucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In town and all alone!!!

Ethel checked into a motel on her 65th birthday. She was lonely and a little depressed at her advancing age. So she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages”.


She looked through the phone bo...

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