UPJOKE
chancedangerprobabilityhazardadventuregambleperiljeopardyventureattempttryassayessaythreatmoral hazard

Risk Jokes

The whole of Ireland is at risk from rising sea levels.

Apart from Cork, which will stay afloat.

My friend is a smoker and decided to read about the health risks of smoking.

He went online and read about how smoking can lead to cancer, and other health risks.

A few days later I meet up with him and find him overjoyed and full of energy, so I asked him what did he do to become so healthy.

He tells me while lighting a cigar: "I quit reading."

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why...

...do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

Studies show that lithium can significantly reduce suicide risk.

But I always want to kill myself when the battery dies

Why don't vegans take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It is medically proven that regular ejaculations greatly reduce the risk of prostate cancer. (NSFW)

Call them Health Nuts.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

My doctor says I'm not at risk for Alzheimer's disease, so that's good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

Try at your own risk.

Foreign tourist: What is the greatest adventure sport in India?

Indian man: \*Looks sadly at ring on his hand\* Arranged marriage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Maybe repost, but it is a fabulous joke so I'll risk it. (Long, and works better when spoken)

A man is waking up in the morning, when he reads in the newspaper that the circus is coming to town. So he decides to go and see. He gets into his seat and the show starts. He watches the lions, the elephants, the tight rope walkers, and at the end there's a clown insulting people in the audience. T...

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because its such a hot Summerday, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.

After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.

They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.

As luck...

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

My dad caught me shoplifting and said, "you're taking a big risk…

we need the travel version."

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located wh...

McCormick spices are at a huge risk

The company has a lot of intellectual property with its CEO, if he were to say fall down the stairs and die,

It would be a season-ending injury

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vegan is at the entrance of a university campus trying to get others to become vegan

He sees an angry and disappointed kid walking out of the campus, and takes the opportunity to ask if they want to become vegan.

“You know who else was vegan?” the angry kid responds. “Adolf Hitler. And I just got kicked out of art school right now, so I’m not taking any risks.”

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

At the risk of sounding like a broken record:

\-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-ken record-k...

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday

it was a risk I was willing to take

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

A woman is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says “Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.”


The woman starts crying to her husband, sobbing “That’s horrible!!! So many men dying that way!”

Confused, he says, “Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydivin...

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

Trump's doctor says he is no longer a 'transmission risk'

Now he is a 'transmission opportunity'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane filled with passengers was flying from Glasgow, Scotland to Dublin, Ireland.

Just as the plane reached the ocean, a bunch of warning instruments in the cockpit lit up. The captain made an announcement to the passengers. "Please remain clam. We are experiencing mechanical problems, and I do not believe the plane is safe to fly across the sea. We are going to have to turn ...

This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Although COVID spreads mostly through the mouth & nose..

..scientists now conclude the greatest risk comes from assholes.

Don't let corona virus dominate you, don't let it take over your lives, I know there is a risk, I know there is a danger

but that's okay, now *I'm* better



*quick note: that's not a joke that's literally what he just said*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new housing development begins in a small residential neighbourhood.

As the construction workers are working, they notice the six year old girl who lives opposite the site is sitting there, watching them with obvious interest. For the first few days, she just sits there, watching them. They give her a friendly wave, and she just smiles and waves back.

As ...

I was about to make love to my to my girlfriend for the first time. I stopped and said "wait, you should know I have herpes". She said "I don't care, I love you so much it's worth the risk". I replied:

I love you too. But please don't make a rash decision.

We had a friend who liked to take photos of himself doing life-risking stunts for fun. We always discouraged him, but one time he got hit by a train at a railway station because of a stunt.

That time, it was painfully clear to us that he had definitely crossed the line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man, a blue man, a green man, a pink man, a red man and yellow man walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind in here. Too much Risk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

Three new fathers, an Englishman, a Welshman and an Indian are looking at their newborn babies cribs in hospital.

All three babies are side by side and the fathers are congratulating each other on their new arrivals.

Just then, a nurse enters the room, looking quite flustered.
"I'm sorry" says the nurse " but we've lost the paperwork, and can't tell you whose baby is whose!"

The three fathers l...

I know many people have been appalled by reopen protestors risking public health for questionable reasoning. But, just remember 2-3% of em’ will be dead in the next few months anyway....

....not from Coronavirus but from fireworks accidents and ATV rollovers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

A man gets pulled over by a cop

The cop goes up to the man's window and informs him that he appeared to be swerving a bit.

"Son I just need you to do a quick breathalyzer test."

"I can't do that, officer, I have severe asthma. If I blow into that tube, I could risk an attack."

"Alright, then just come down to ...

I wasn't allowed to bring my board game onto the airplane

They told me the risk was too big.

Do you know why no one tells Chuck Norris "Chuck Norris" jokes?

They don't want to risk him perceiving the "punchline" as a threat!

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, fath...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar...

...and orders a beer. The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English. He tells the horse,

"I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

Making jokes wearing a bee costume isn't always easy

But they don't understand that sometimes you have to risk it for the bee skit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

My mate got fired from his job recently.

He was working in a board games shop, he got fired for stealing.

He was taking a lot of risks.

A guy is on vacation in Jerusalem with his wife and mother-in-law,

when the mother-in-law unexpectedly passes away. Unsure of how to handle funeral proceedings so far from home, he asks a local funeral parlor in Jerusalem for advice.

"Well sir, if you bury her here in Jerusalem, it will cost you about $150".

"What about if I want to ship her body back...

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

Yesterday i went to the store for oversized boardgames

I kind of wanted to shoplift something, but the risk was to big.

Some friends are chillin when one pipes up, “I’m not attracted to my wife anymore.” His friends are all astonished. “You know what it’s like to have the same woman every night x 25 years? Same feel, smell, taste x25 years?” “Why not flip her over, try another entrance.”

“And risk getting her pregnant?! I think not!”

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

A girl broke up with me once over food

She didn’t like it when I made certain Hawaiian and Korean foods that I ate growing up.

Now she has me in her phone as “Spam Risk”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender walks into...

A bartender walks into a chemistry lab to drop off the yearly water sample. The lab guys are excited to have a visitor and even more since it’s a bartender. They invite him to their back room. One end is filled with huge bubbling fermentation flasks. The other is equally crammed with distillation ap...

If a cup has had holy water in it, a vampire should never drink from it again.

There's too much risk of cross contamination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 90 years old man goes to the doctor...

Doctor asks: "How are you?"

Old man: "Very good, I have new girlfriend! She is thirty years young!"

Doctor: "Uhm... Ok... But you know, any kind of sexual activity could be deadly!"

Old man: "That's a risk I am willing to take, would be a shame if she died, though!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.