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By tightly securing our Nuclear Arsenal through human, digital, mechanical and chemical means, we've been able to almost completely eliminate the risk of nuclear warhead explosions due to accidents or hostile attacks, however if these past four years have taught us something ...

... it's that we also need to equip our nukes with child locks.

Try at your own risk.

Foreign tourist: What is the greatest adventure sport in India?

Indian man: \*Looks sadly at ring on his hand\* Arranged marriage.

Don't be mad about the police. They risk their life everyday, going out

On another note, so does everyone in the USA.

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

An older man and a 16-year-old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

It is now recommended that high risk groups take mud baths when infected with COVID-19.

It won't save you, but it will help you get used to the feeling of the dirt.

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They say that peeing after sex reduces the risks of UTIs

Only if you pull out first.

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Obesity is major COVID-19 risk factor, says French chief epidemiologist

I made the mistake of telling my wife

why are basketball players who suck at dribbling a high risk for covid 19?

because they've traveled recently

What would you call a jury that takes risk?

Juris-imprudence

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Man should ejaculate 21 times per month

Research says a man should ejaculate 21 times per month to reduce risk of developing prostate cancer.

It's June 2020 and I'm already done with August 2023

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I was in a job interview. The guy asked me if I was a risk taker.

I said yes.

He said how.

I said I once clicked the category 'Other' on PornHub.

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

I know this is a risk of being a political joke... But here is the joke:

Our Political system.

A family walks into a talent agent’s office

The talent agent eyes them suspiciously and having heard the stories decides he would rather not risk it and tells them he doesn’t represent family acts. The Aristocrats leave.

One day, a man was caught stealing and was arrested before being tossed in a cell.

“I want my phone call” He demanded, through the bars. Assuming this man had no family that would want to help out a thief, the prison guard laughed: “Who are you going to call?”

With the most serious face one could have, the prisoner said “I want to speak to the highest office in the land - P...

I walked into my local bank, they asked me to remove my mask..

I said there was no way I was going risk my life or theirs by exposing us to an unprotected face.

.


.


.


Then I gave them 1 minute to fill the duffle bag.

The doctor said I was at a high risk for having a stroke

Hpoe I ok wikl be fnie

A guy stuck in the Coronavirus pandemic prays to God for help (not a repost)

He is on his knees begging God for protection from the pandemic. Suddenly, he is distracted by his television. It is the W.H.O. telling people to socially distance and wear a mask in public. He switches it off, because it is distracting him and resumes praying.

The next day, still scared he p...

Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?

Because it's assault.

The Empire demanded the Kingdom send a baron as hostage or risk invasion. The King, scared for his life, decided to send the Empire someone with a higher rank.

The Empire got a viscount.

Red neck decision making

A redneck family has already 4 kids when the husband announces to the wife that he will get a vasectomy.

Perplex to understand his sudden decision the wife asks him why. He replied “i read that 1 in every 5 Americans is Hispanic, and I cannot bear the risk of getting one into this family”

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

A man and his wife went on a vacation to Israel,

and while walking to their hotel after a long day, the wife got hit by a car. Dead on the spot. The local churches' priest offers to bury her in the churches' cemetery rather than taking her body back on the plane and burying her at home. The man however, politely declines and says, "I'd rather bury...

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who risked everything to explore asia and didn't give a fuck?

Marco Yolo

Dark joke about children, read at own risk

How many children do you need to paint a wall?


Depends on how hard you throw

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

“The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!”

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

Young, healthy people need to take Covid-19 seriously.

Even though I am not at risk of dying from the condition, I have the responsibility to not spread the virus to a point where the healthcare needs exceed our capacity. If I am going to be the reason someone's grandma dies, it should be because of how good I am in bed, not because I sneezed in the pro...

There are two types of people. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

and those who know that extrapolation can be inaccurate and you run the risk of over-fitting

Why don't vegans take risks?

Because their life could be at steak.

At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

I wasn't allowed to bring a board game in on an airplane.

The Risk was too big.

I broke lockdown rules and went to a games night yesterday

There was a lot of risk

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

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A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender is in shock, an actual horse just walked into his bar, sat down at the bar like a person, and ordered a beer in perfect English.

He tells the horse, "I'm sorry sir, I just have to go speak to my manager for a moment."

So the bartender goes to the back, and explains the s...

A time traveler comes back from the year 2045

I encountered a time traveler today. During my self isolation he came to the door dressed in a hazmat suit. I was of course alarmed when I opened the door to such a site. He quickly explained who he was and asked if he could have just a few minutes of my time. I didn't believe anything he was sa...

In the year 1897 a young man named Jonathan Quimby set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his nearly 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses to help him carry it.

The voyage to Skagway was difficult. The seas were rough and Jonathan spent many hours at the rail, emptying his stomach into the frigid,...

They say that height could be a cancer risk

Sounds like a tall story to me

I recently got into high risk cattle farming

I'll be raising the steaks.

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Karma ranks 899th in popularity in 2018 as a girl’s name but choose it at your own risk.

Because they say “Karma’s a bitch.”

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, fath...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

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New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.

It only takes one stroke!

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

I stole a boardgame once

It was a Risk I was willing to take

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

Son: “Dad, can I sleep in your bed tonight? I’m scared...”

Dad: “No, son. I can’t risk the monster following you in here.”

A wise man once said, "Nothing worth doing is without risk..."

Well, he almost did, but he was worried someone might laugh.

If James Bond led such a high-risk lifestyle...

why wasn't he James Stock?

-Caroline

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

He doesn’t want to be spotted


*edit: now if I ever tell people this joke, I risk people thinking I copied it off of reddit D:

A little-known risk with blood transfusions . . .

A wealthy Arab Sheikh was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood, in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located wh...

I just bought a car.

I'm now at risk for the Car-Owner Virus.

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A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection.

After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment co...

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies

My girlfriend and i were contemplating going to the store to buy some cookies to have with our coffee and get infected with corona, or to just have coffee by itself.



In the end we decided to go to the store, because you know... you have to risk it for the biscuit.

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

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GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

Lighting your farts can be dangerous..

..but the risk is "Just a fire ball"

My dad, contemplating Brexit and the board game Risk,

"Well, Europe has always been hard to hold."

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

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LPT: Play the Game of Thrones theme tune before you have sex if there is a risk of being overheard.

Got me and my SO through the recent family stay overs during the festive season.

When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.

Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”

The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games

But that's a Risk I'm willing to take

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Control your Woody

Trevor has a dance coming up and he wants to ask out Sally. He would do anything to go with her and he knows she doesn't have a date. The only problem is that whenever he sees her he gets an extremely large boner. Before he asks her, he practices not getting a boner but nothing works. So he decides ...

There is a 50/50 risk of loosing your hand during your life...

Either you loose it or you don't. The probability on the other hand... is unsure.

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn’t open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it’s sad, but people need to know that there’s a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that’s a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

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BBC News: Being obese can cut your risk of dementia...

Hold on, lets rephrase that:

"Fat fuckers are less likely to forget where the biscuits are kept"

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

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"Masturbation can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."

And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

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Today I found out that I have an additional risk factor for heart disease.

Apparently I am on an oral contraceptive.

Every time my wife is in the mood for sex, I say something stupid and suddenly she has a headache.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession...

A granddad walks up to a priest to make a confession.


\- Dear Father, forgive me for I have sinned - I hid a jewish family in my cellar during the war.
\- But this isn't a sin, in fact you have done a god thing!
\- But father, I charged them 100 euros per week!
\- Well yo...

An ISIS member was performing...

An ISIS member was performing a routine traffic stop looking for infidels, and stopped the car of a Christian couple. “Are you Muslim?” asked the ISIS member. “Yes,” replied the Christian man, “I’m Muslim.”
The ISIS member says, “If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.” The Christian m...

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Boss hired a sexy bombshell secretary

Fifteen days later he committed suicide by jumping from his 27th floor office.

Police: Who was there at that time in the room?

Secretary: I was there.

Police: What happened? Why did he commit suicide?

Secretary: He was a good man. One day he bought me a fur coat worth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The pregnant lady and the serial killer.

Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a black mask and a hood came up to her and shot 3 bullets in her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital by a witness while the culprit fled the scene. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies ...

LPT: Now that it is summer time, avoid swimming in waters that have strong currents, it is very dangerous..

.. you risk getting electrocuted.

North Korea has a new war game

The North Korean state media just announced today that in the event of possible war all citizens are ordered to follow Donald Trump on Twitter, as there’s no way in hell he would risk losing 42 million followers

Whale of a joke

**Why should you never hump a whale...**

They may feel a bit blue,
some may think it's great,
others may find it killer;
But you always run the risk of finding the one that will humpback.

I left my job as a school teacher to join the military

The risk of getting shot was just too damn high

"Have you ever cheated on me?"

An old married couple was sitting on a bench in a park. They have seen plenty of struggles and success in their long life together, and now were enjoying retirement.

"I have been faithful to you all these years, darling", the man continued, "I have sometimes wondered about your loyalty, but I...

This Friday millions of people will risk getting trampled to get the best seat on a car

This is commonly referred to as 'Rebecca Black Friday'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

I'm a middle aged man. I have many friends on Facebook. Some of them are women. I spend quite a bit of time chatting with them. Life is good!

Joyce is one of them.. Very hot, around 30-35 years old. When I'm chatting with her, I lose all sense of time.

One day she tells me "My husband's going out of town on business this Sunday. Why don't you come over? I'll be alone in the house :-)"

"What if he comes back while I'm there?"...

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

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