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So a blond woman was at a shoe store arguing about the price of alligator boots

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, "Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'

The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, "Well, little lady, why don't you go give...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters g...

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What do you call a prostitute with low prices?

More bang for your buck

Have you heard about the synthetic stone countertops that are half the price?

Don’t take them for granite.

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I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I went to the shop to buy a foot pump for our new air bed. I was shocked by how much the price had risen since the last pump I purchased.

But yer, I suppose that’s the cost of inflation.

If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price...

The drink got Jacked

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

Just got and took 4 grams of shrooms for half the normal price.

I am literally beside myself

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. Yo...

What do you call a vehicle that's out of your price range?

A ford

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day,

why isn't anything in the store free yet?

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

A man goes to a brothel.

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignifid, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.




‟May I help you sir?” she asked.




The man replied,


‟I wan to see Valerie.”




‟S...

The price of your average meat pie in Nicaragua, Panama, Dominica and Cubais $3. In Mexico, Honduras, Jamaica and Bahamas it lies around $2.79, and the cheapest at $1.79 can be found in Granada and Guatemala.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

The price of savoring

Want to know why cannibals have to be rich?
Their dinners cost an arm and a leg

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana

She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I ca...

A Group of Guys Were All Turning 30...

A group of guys were all turning 30, so they decided to go somewhere and celebrate. After some discussion, they finally settled on TJ's Tavern over in Summersville, because the prices were good and it stayed open late.

Ten years later, they were all turning 40, and they thought it might be fu...

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price...

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

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So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

Why was Theodore so concerned when the stock price dropped?

He was invest-Ted.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen

\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you k...

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

A shop keeper fought off a robber with just a price gun!

The police are now looking for a person with a price on their head

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

The high prices in the stores are like a cheap circumcision...

A rip-off

Deer nuts are always the same price worldwide....

Always under a buck! lol


My 11 year old son told me this joke today and thought I'd share with everyone.

I saw a guy on the street selling clones of himself, he was having a sale where you could buy 6 for the price of one

I turned to my friend and said "get a load of this guy"

I used to work for a used computer sales shop. I tried to convince my boss to have a 9/11 sale, 2 towers for the price of 1.

It didn’t fly.

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The Sex Shop Fatality.

A man walks into a sex shop to purchase smoe see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and...

The son of a Saudi price writes to his father.

Dear Father,

I am doing well in school here in London. But I have a feeling of shame due to the fact my friends and professors all ride the train to university, and I have to drive the gold Ferrari....

The father concerned with his son's letter, writes back...

Dear Son,

I...

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I was shopping at a supermarket in a major city in Michigan one day, and everything in it was marked down at 50% off regular price.

However, they still charged me full price at the checkout counter.

Can't *half* shit in Detroit.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed.

Tired of being constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage a young husband decides to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary and arranges to have her killed. A friend of a friend puts the husband in touch with a nefarious f...

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The carpet

An attractive, well-dressed woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian carpets. She looks around, spots a beautiful carpet, and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the carpet she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has ...

The prices of memory on the internet are too goddamn high

They just ram over my budget

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

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A man and his friend was walking by a strip club..

A stripper comes out and they start talking.

The man had never been to a strip club before, so he asks the stripper about prices.

“Well, a dance is fifty bucks for thirty minutes, but if you’re lucky.. we could go home for only one dollar”

The man, still not convinced, consults ...

Why is Ireland so expensive?

House prices are always Dublin'

This Goat walks into a post office

And says to the Postmaster "I need to send a telegram."
The Postmaster says "OK, what is it?"
The Goat says "I need it to say, maa maa maa maa maa maa maa." The Postmaster counts the words and says "Well, for the same price, I can put 4 more "MAAs" in for you."
The Goat looks at him and say...

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Two little girls play in a park with their dolls.

Two little girls play in a park with their dolls. One of the two little girls says to her friend: "Where did you buy your doll?"
The friend replies: "At Walmart, mom got it for 200 dollars; and you?"
The first responds: "Mum got it for 300 dollars at Target".
They then see a lady pass by wi...

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings.

As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thou...

What do you call a pickle you buy at a great price?

A sweet Dill!

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An old lady was on her death bed

She asked her sister to bring the best sculptor in town, and asked him to carve a headstone for her grave, in beautiful lettering, reading “Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin”.

The artist promises her, but after her death he finds out her sister wants to pay just $ 250 for the work. He a...

What price did the inventor of the knock-knock joke win?

The No-bell price

What’s the difference between an abortion and a belly flop off the high dive?

The price

Wearing a second hand hairpiece may seem kind of gross

but its a small price toupee

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

There were three guys named Jackson who were all in the clothing business.

Due to lack of real estate options in their city, they all set up shop next door to each other. In order to convince customers to come to *their* store rather than one of the other Jacksons, they all put up signs to attract customers.

The one on the left puts up a sign that says "Jackson's c...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

A man walks up to a woman in a bar and asks: madam, would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?

WOMAN: yeah, sure.
MAN: How about for 10 dollars?
WOMAN: 10 dollars? What kind of woman do you think I am?!
MAN: We've already established what kind of woman you are, now we're just negotiating the price.

An American photographer on vacation.

An American photographer on vacation was inside Westminster Abbey taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The ...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

A woman's brain cost less

The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. 'Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.'

'...

Joke about cursed shop

Me: Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Spooky shopkeeper: Yes, but I will warn you... every item comes with a price...

Me:Yes, I know how shops work.

Spooky shopkeeper: The price will be more than you expect to pay!!

Me:Yes, I know how taxes work.

S...

I’m gonna go down on you slowly... then when you’re enjoying it the most, I’ll work my way back up and f*ck you hard.

With love,
Gas Prices

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a Golf club.

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club.

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:

(H – Husband, W ...

After many years, I finally found my girlfriend's killer.

Nice guy, fair prices!

A tribal chief down on his luck decided to marry off his three daughters

For in those days suitors paid a bridal price, and the chief thought he could live off what his daughters would fetch him, and at the same time ensure that his children would be secure and provided for.

Now, it was a point of rivalry between the girls to see who would fetch the best price amo...

If you don't know the price of nuclear power

wait until you see the Cherno bill.

From a 30 year old memory of a joke someone's grandfather told.

Brad's first year away at university was a lot of partying and paying for his friend's. He quickly runs out of money. His father would not be pleased with his wastefulness, so Brad sends him a message stating he has a professor that can teach his father's dog how to read and write for a bargain pric...

A mom tells her son to buy some vegetables

She says to bargain, and try offer the seller half the price

Son: Sir, how much does a bag of vegetable cost?

Seller: 8

Son: I will offer you 4

Seller: What about 6

Son: 3

Seller: Alright, I will sell it for 4

Son: 2

Seller: 3

Son: 1.50<...

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A lady walks into a jewelry shop and leans over to look at a ring.

While bent over, she lets out a ripper of a fart. Shocked, she looks at the clerk who appears not to have noticed.

"Excuse me sir," she asks. "How much is this ring?"

The clerk walks over, looks her in the eyes and says:

"If you farted when you saw it, you'll shit yourself when...

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I founded out that my mom was a prostitute

When I asked for a family discount, she said I need to pay full price because I was adopted

A pound of brains

Did you know there is a place in Africa where they literally sell human brains for consumption? It's like a delicacy or something over there. Crazy right? They have brains from all over the world you can buy for all kinds of different prices. You just pay by the pound. Well do you know where the mos...

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

An indecent proposal

A man spots a woman at the bar, goes over to her and asks

"Ma'am? Would you sleep with me for a million?"

She looks at him and eventually, she nods.

"How about 5 bucks?"

"What?", she exclaims, "Now what kind of woman do you think I am?"

"Ma'am, I think we have sett...

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A man driving through a shady part of town and sees a prostitute...

The man, admittedly horny, decides to negotiate a price to relieve himself of his recent sexual frustration...

"Hey, baby, how much for a good time? Its been a while since I've had sex!"

The prostitute looks him over and says, "Since I like how you look, how's about 100 dollars?"
...

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

I was at the dollar store and saw balloons labeled $1 a piece. I grabbed 3 and went to the cashier who told me the total was $5.28.

I guess that’s the price of inflation

Why did the price of balloons go up?

Inflation

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A unemployed guy once thought to start the clinic

The clinic rules were:
1) The price of the treatment is 300$
2) If I am unable to treat you, I payback 1000$

A doctor, passing by through the clinic read the rules and thought it was a great opportunity to make money. He went in and said the guy: "I can't feel the taste".
...

Religion Comes At A Price...

But it's a small price to pray.

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

A Man Bought a Book

One time, a young man goes in a very dark road as he went home and saw an elderly man sitting along the way. The elderly man is weird and suspicious-looking. The man called him, but the younger one ignored. The elderly man kept on calling him, so the young man got frightened, but he released all his...

Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer

It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

I pointed ...

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A father goes shopping in a market.

At the market he sees a man selling large potatoes for a substantially higher price. He asks the seller, "What are you selling that's so expensive?"

The seller answers, "They're dam potatoes."

"Mind your language!" says the father, very offended.

The seller replies, "No Sir, the...

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A guy picks up a lady of the night one evening.

After discussing a price he takes her home to have sex. Once they’re done they lay in bed and the prostitute begins to caress and massage his testicles. It was ok and fine for the first couple of minutes but after 20 minutes the guy found it weird and says “You really have a thing for nuts huh?” She...

A gorilla walks into a bar

He orders a beer. The bartender figures "what does a gorilla know?", charges the gorilla $50 for the beer. Gorilla pays him.

It's early, the bar is quiet, so the bartender isn't busy. He is curious, so he says to the gorilla "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."

"At these pri...

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An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

So I'm sitting in a bar and a gorgeous, very shapely woman sits down next to me and we exchange a few words.

So I ask her if she would sleep with me for $1 Million Dollars. And she says "Hell yes!".
So I ask her "How about $500 thousand dollars?" And she thinks for a minute and says "Sure, why not?"
So I said "How about for $50?"
She says "What the hell do you think I am?"
I said "I ...

Church Fundraiser

A preist wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he ha...

Man: "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"

Woman: "You bet!"

Man: "Ok then. How about two dollars?"

Woman: "Go to hell! Who do you think I am?!"

Man: "I know that much. Now all that's left is the price."

The price of balloons have not gone up in over 50 years

Which is surprising considering inflation

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

Nike should make shoe named the Lebron James and charge half price ….

because they dont come with a soul.

Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget.

You get two for the price of one.

So a poor man walks into a pet store

Hoping to buy a parrot. He looks at a whole bunch of parrots, but all of them are out of his price range. He asks one of the employees if they have a cheaper parrot.

“Actually, we have one parrot that nobody has wanted to buy. His name is Chet and he very lovable, but he’s only got one leg.”...

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”

Hair Club Salesman: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”

Bald Man: “How about faux dollars faux hair?”


Sorry guys, I’ll show myself outta hair.

A guy sees a granny selling cabbages.

The business is not good and no one seems to be interested in buying them. They all cost 5 dollars each. He decided to buy one. He continued to buy one each day until he just gave money for a cabbage without taking one.


Then one day as usual he gave 5 dollars, turned to leave but the gran...

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