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Price Jokes

Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

After seeing the price of insurance these days

I've decided it's cheaper to just get robbed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15.

She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laug...

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink

The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

RIP Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, dead at 99

You gotta give him credit, going right up to the edge of 100, without going over.

Why are balloon prices up?

Inflation.

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The price

A man sees an attractive lady in a bar. "I'll give you $1 million if you spend the night with me". She thinks for a moment and agrees. "I'll give you $100,000 if you spend the night with me". She thinks a bit longer and agrees. "I'll give you $1,000 if you spend the night with me". She's furious, "W...

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

The price of victory

I wrote this joke in a book I published recently.

>“Would you like to hear a joke I wrote about seafood?”
>
>“Sure.”
>
>***A man went to a restaurant and ordered lobster. When the plate was placed before him, the lobster was in numerous pieces. The man asked...

The price of beer nuts...

Are you aware that the price of Beer nuts is now $3.99 per pound while Deer nuts are still under a buck?

The worst thing about circumcision is paying full price..

..and still having to leave a tip

I don't understand how cemeteries can raise their prices

and blame the cost of living

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

Make sure you pay full price for a circumcision.

You wouldn't want to get ripped off.

Gas prices!

They say cocaine is a rich man's drug. I'm waiting to see people in business suits on the corner with a rag and a can of gasoline.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The price of manure is through the fucking roof!

Shit's getting expensive.

Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price

As I discovered on this Price comparison website

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

My Dog is really worried about the rising price of groceries, with a can of dog food now costing £2.99....

That's almost £21 in Dog money.

Wanna know the price of an item someone has?

Break it.

The price of balloons is said to rise.

It's only logical with all the inflation.

What's the difference between the Mafia and Price Waterhouse Cooper?

The Mafia have a code of honour.

"The price of doing business at the Vet's office"

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

It's so frustrating that Costco has the best prices on funeral plans.

The service is great and all, but I don't need 3 caskets!

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

what is the price on a human life

The hospital bill

[American joke]

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

With the increasing price and size of Iphones……

If you want to be an iPhone user in 10 years, you’ll need to have deep pockets.





( first time here, I hope is not too bad)

Why are weddings in Alabama usually half price ?

Because they only use one side of the church

If food prices keep rising

The five second rule will be replaced by the “ not fuzzy yet” rule.

Prices of video streaming services annually has now been concluded..

Netflix: £71.99
Prime Video: £79.99
Disney+: £59.99
University: £9200

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price.

No bones about it.

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

I told my taylor his prices were outrageous

He told me to suit myself.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

I don’t understand why people are complaining about the price of gas…

I went to get $10 of gas and it still cost exactly $10.

Who calculates the price of amphetamines?

A Methematician

Why are gas prices getting higher?

It still tastes the same to me.

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

Went to a Vikings game with my family and decided I wanted a drink. Wanted the big soda but when I saw the price I decided.....

a Minnesota will do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Negotiating price.

A man walks up to a beautiful woman and says "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars"?
She says "Yes"
Man takes her homes and says "I don't have a Million Dollars, how about 100?"
Woman says "what do you think I am a Prostitute?"
Man says"I thought we already established that, no...

Supermarkets are putting up the price of vodka by 1p to £20.00 from tomorrow.

So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s £19.99...

A nobleman said some hurtful things to me while I was buying groceries at half price.

It was a diss count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just got back from the farm supply store. The price of manure has almost tripled since the beginning of the pandemic.

Shit's getting expensive.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

While perusing the wares of a pet shop, a woman sees a Parrot priced at only $20...

She walks up to the store owner and asks him why the parrot is so cheap. He tells her that the bird came from a local brothel that recently closed shop for good, and it picked up a lot of bad language and lingo from its time there.

The woman thinks nothing of it and doesn't want to pass on su...

The local florist charges $100 for a big Christmas wreath. Here's how they justify that price:

"A wreath, a Franklin."

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

Because gas prices are so high I invented a car powered by talking.

However, being a man of few words, I quickly got tired of talking in order to get anywhere so I modified the car to run on thoughts alone. I'm very happy with the results because, well, it goes without saying.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

As a result of rising gas prices...

kidnap victims will no longer be taken to a second location.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute who liked to haggle over her prices?

Customers are encouraged to dicker.

These COVID test results are ridiculously priced

I keep paying through the nose for them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Katie Price’s favourite cocktail?

Harvey Wallbanger.

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved.

"What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.


That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay y...

Price of 2x4's : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$

The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.

I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.



And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask...

A guy goes to his Rabbi to price a circumcision...

He says, "Rabbi, how much do you charge for a circumcision?" And the Rabbi says, "Not much, I just keep the tips."

Katie Price and Peter Andre are in a custody battle for Harvey

Eventually one of them will lose, and have to keep him

I find that the price of the iPhones to be...

XSsvive...


...I’ll show myself out.

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