UPJOKE
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Gas prices are so high...

That even the coronavirus stopped traveling..

Looks like NFT prices have hit rock bottom.

Get your monkey for nothin' and your chimps for free.



I want my, I want my, I want my NFT.

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

what is the price on a human life

The hospital bill

[American joke]

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

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Generic Viagra. Same medicine at a lower price.

No bones about it.

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

A Neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender for the price of a drink

The bartender responds: "For you, no charge"

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

Gas prices are getting ridiculous

I went online to check the value of my car and it asked if the tank was empty or full.

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

Why are gas prices getting higher?

It still tastes the same to me.

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump

You could call it the car owner virus

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.....

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leath...

With gas prices on the rise, I went to the gas station and asked for $5 worth of gas...

The attendant farted and gave me a receipt.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

A young Blonde was on vacation in Louisiana She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!' The shopkeeper said, 'By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yoursel...

a hole in the street

There's a big hole in a street that caused so many accidents and a lot of deaths; the mayor held a meeting with the most intelligent people of the neighborhood to discuss solutions for this problem

the first suggests putting an ambulance next to the hole, so whenever an accident hap...

These COVID test results are ridiculously priced

I keep paying through the nose for them

I came home and found that my wife has been on Ebay the whole day.

If she's still on there tomorrow, I'd have to lower the price.

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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Elon Musk is being accused of sexual harassment…

I believe it, TSLA share price has been f**king me in the a$$ for months!

[Soviet] What’s the true price relation between the pound, the ruble and the dollar?

A pound of rubles is worth a dollar.

Chinese takeout,,,

### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the c...

[Long] One day a Snail decides he’s moving a little too slow..

… so he decides it’s time to get a car. He doesn’t have a lot of money so he buys a used French sedan. The snail is so impressed how fast he gets around town.

From place to place he wizzes by this slug, beetle and worm friends. While that car isn’t a racer by any means, the snail doesn’t kno...

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

An old man walks up to the counter of a pawn shop holding an old, weathered guitar

"I'd like your expert opinion on this guitar, how much do you think it's worth?" asks the old man.

The pawn broker looks it up and down. "Well, I can tell right now that there's a little warping in the neck, the lacquer is faded and there's scratches and dents all over it. It's an old, well-p...

A man is travelling through the desert...

when he runs out of water. He is worried since the next town is not for 10 miles, so he is beginning to worry. Just then, however, he sees a man on a camel in the distance. When he gets nearer to the man, he sees that he is carrying bags full of neckties.
r>"Please, sir, can you spare any wate...

It's very important to not leave out the word "each." For example, when the price of 4 tacos is $2 vs $2 each, or

When you tell people that you and your sister each have a child

The guys on the beach are charging such high prices for their shells

It’s Unconchinable

A man needs a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He's not the richest of men, which puts the nicer cake shops out of the question. However, he's confident that he can figure something out.

Down the road from where he lives, an old Buddhist man owns a pastry store. He's a kind man, with reasonable prices and a perpetual smile on his face. Ho...

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When the Romans Conquered Britain

In the mid 1st century CE one of the problems they did not anticipate was the rampant fraud being conducted in the bronze trade. Tradesmen who shaped the metal would buy it from merchants who bought it from the miners in the form of bars of bronze, already mixed from copper and tin.

The issu...

Unexpected Resort Prices

1 = Husband 2 = Cashier

A couple went for their 10th anniversary, went to a luxurious resort for 3 days.

On the last day the couple went to checkout, and found out they were charged 18.000 dollars.

1) Wait, since when we were charged 18000?
2) The suite you chose costs 30...

I was fed-up with people laughing at me for being bald, so I went out and bought a hairpiece.

It was a small price toupee.

Did you hear that you can buy iron and carbon for the price of just 1 alloy?

What a steel!

The shop I normally go to to blow up my balloons has increased their price by 50%

That's inflation for you.

Who calculates the price of amphetamines?

A Methematician

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 19 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Help: best man opener

Context groom and bride are smart with money, please let me know if anything i can add to make it funnier or even if this isnt funny at all


“I would first like to thank everyone for taking time out of their busy schedules to be here. After two long years of waiting, i would like to firs...

What did the bird say to the price tag?

Cheep!

(As told to me this morning by my 7 year old son. He was quite proud of the joke.)

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right...

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

My uncle spent £250,000 on a new limousine and later found out the price does not include a driver

To think he spent all that money and has nothing to chauffeur it!

I just called a bouncy house place for my kids birthday party...

We got one larger than last year but the guy quoted us 50% higher cost.

I asked him whats up with the price.

He said, blame inflation.

The preacher and the painters

A preacher noticed that his church was beginning to look somewhat dingy and could use a new coat of paint.  He asked for bids from several local outfits and selected a two-man firm which had given him the best price.

On the appointed day, the crew arrived.  Setting up their ...

Once a man saved to buy his dream car.

The car was worth $10M. He worked hard around 16 hours a day just to buy car. After a year of hard work he finally saved exact $10M and went to showroom. There was raise in price of car. Now it cost $10M AND 50cents. He asked for discount but they told that cant be done. Then the guy went to the sho...

A married couple on a tight budget were shopping in a supermarket. The husband picks up a case of beer and places it in their shopping cart...

The wife complained, "Put that back, we only have enough funds for essential items - not luxuries such as beer costing $20."

A little later while walking through the cosmetics aisle, the wife picks up a beauty cream and places it in the cart.

The husband says, "I thought we were on a t...

A bear walks into a 7/11 He gets a 12 pack and walks up to the clerk and says "I'll take these."

The clerk is stunned, so he heads to the back to speak with the owner. "Hey boss" he says, "there's a bear asking for a beer." The owner pauses for a second, then replies "Well then sell it to him, but charge him double. Bears don't know the price of beer." So the clerk heads back out front and sell...

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

Going to the gun range is a pretty fun activity for its price

You get the most bang for your buck

A kleptomaniac walks into a bar

a kleptomaniac walks into a bar and orders 5 martinis. "Five is an awful lot," the bartender remarks. "Yes," the klepto agrees, "but at these prices they're a steal."

I was shopping for a car and asked the salesman the sticker price. He said $200. 'Not much for a car,' I said.

'The car's extra' he said.

A monkey enters a bar

A monkey enters a bar and orders a coke. The bartender, surprised by the fact that there is a monkey in his bar, gives the coke and thinks: it’s just a monkey! He doesn’t understand money! So he asks a really high price. Once the monkey has paid, he talks with the monkey for a bit. “There’s very few...

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini.

“You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often,” the bartender remarks.

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

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A reclusive cowboy goes into town one day to fix his tools.

Whilst waiting for the job to be completed he goes next door to the saloon and sits himself at the bar.

Bartender: “How can I help you today sir”

Cowboy: “I want a whiskey and a women”

Bartender: “I sure can help you with that whiskey Sir, but we ain’t got no women workin’ today...

A dog walks into a telegraph office and says to the clerk

“woof woof woof woof woof woof woof”

Clerk: “for the same price you could send one more woof.”

Dog: “But that wouldn’t make any sense.”

I asked an Indian restaurant if they gave volume discounts for large catering orders

They said their prices are naan negotiable.

If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

A guy croaks with 2 sons

The older son calls the younger and says, “Look, I can’t make it to the funeral but I want Dad to go out in style. Price is no object. Just send me the bill and I'll pay for everything.”

So the younger brother takes care of the funeral, sends his brother the bills and he pays for everything. ...

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

World cup for firefighters

There was this world cup for firefighters(WCF) and the ref's would set a buliding on fire,and the team that stops the fire the fastest wins.

First up were the Germans.They come with some ladders and pipes filled with water.They stop the within 30 min.

Second are the Americans.Again wit...

A lawyer and his family are searching for a new home.

A lawyer named Harry had a wife and 12 children. His rental agreement was terminated by his landlord, who wanted to reoccupy the home, and so the family of fourteen needed to find a new home immediately.

But Harry was having a lot of difficulty. Whenever Harry mentioned his dozen children, n...

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

My friend was suicidal and worked at retail

His coworkers found his goodbye note in the break room. They checked the back room but were too late. The price gun, still smoking, and his head, half off

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A rooster was looking to furnish his roost with cockle shells

And his assistant asked “in terms of a supplier, do you want me to call the guy from Miami Beach, the guy from Hawaii, or the guy from Hermosa Beach? They all have great prices on cockle shells”

The rooster shrugged and said “any cockle dude will do”

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The sexual position known as 69 will now be called 96

Because due the the economy, the price of eating out has gone up.

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

Got home today from work to find all my kids have been on eBay all day..

If they are still there tomorrow, I'm lowering the starting price...

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What is Katie Price’s favourite cocktail?

Harvey Wallbanger.

Have you heard about helium prices?

They’re up.

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A pig farmer has lent a friend 300 bugs. A couple of weeks later the friend pays back the 300 dollar.

He walks into the barn while the farmer is feeding his pigs, "here ya go mate, thanks for lending me the money". "No problemo" says the farmer. And when he tries to put the 3 bills of 100 dollar in his pocket it fell out of his hand, and one big fat greedy pig eats the bills in an instant without ch...

Fast

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. ...

A dog goes in to the telegram office

A dog goes in to the telegram office, says "I'd like to send a telegram to London. Here's a card with the recipient's details. I'd like the telegram to say:

"Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof."

The attendant says, "No worries good sir. Just so you know, we charge by the word and we a...

If Captain Price was a dog what would he say?

"Bravo 6 going bark"

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

Why did Doc get such a good selling price on the Delorean?

It was only driven from time to time

Woman at bar

A man walks up to an attractive woman sitting at the bar and strikes up a conversation. After a while chatting he asks the woman if she would consider sleeping with him for a million dollars. The woman without missing a beat says absolutely. The man then asks if she would sleep with him for a hundre...

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A man stops at a car dealership

He's appalled at the cost of vehicles. He moves from the new lot to the used lot, but the prices are still out of his price range.

A sales man walks by and asks if he can help. The man explains his situation. In response the man motions for him to follow. They walk around to the back and fin...

Argued with a shop assistant and she hit me with her labeling gun.

Now there's a price on my head.

Ad in Russian Marketplace...

For limited time, buy one potato, get second potato same price.

alternate punchline: >!For limited time, buy one potato, now go away, we out of potato.!<

A man is out viewing a car, which he potentially plans to buy.

The car's price is $90000.
"The windows can't roll down, the check engine light is on, and it's making a weird noice when I change gear, why would I ever pay so much money for this car?" the potential buyer asks.

"Well, that's true, but the gas tank is entirely fu..." the seller says bef...

The price of lumber has gone up so much...

That the Feds confiscated a load of 2x4's buried in kilos of cocaine.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice.

A guy wanted to have a drink on a train and needed some ice. He asked the coach attendant if some ice could be arranged.

The attendant explained train didn't have a kitchen since the food that was served was prepared elsewhere and loaded onto the train before departure.

The guy was ad...

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What is the difference between Bob Barker and Lorena Bobbitt?

One is a Slick Pricer.

Back story for younger Reditors

In the early hours of June 23, 1993, Lorena Bobbitt took an eight-inch knife from her apartment's kitchen and cut off the penis of her husband, John Wayne Bobbitt. She then drove away from their apartment and threw the severed org...

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

Vincent Price is taller than Alan Price, who is heavier than Katie Price

As I discovered on this Price comparison website

Did you hear about the Irish car prices?

They're Dublin

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The old painter

A mobster bough a new house in the suburbs and wanted to re-paint the fence.He called a local painter. The painter was 70yo guy. He took one look at the mobster and thought "This guy surely is dumb - I will ask him for triple the normal price" and so he did.The mobster who was not as dumb as he look...

Just got to get this off my chest.... I'm getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.

If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.

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A man reads the prices during his first visit to a brothel

20 bucks for a hand job, 40 for a blow job, 120 for intercourse. Everything makes sense until he reaches the end of the list. He asks the proprietor why double penetration is only $20.

“Oh, well because they say one in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

Price

A man said to a gorgeous woman sitting at a bar next to him if she would sleep with him for $100k and she replied “of course”, then he said “would you do it for $50.00?” and she replied “hell no, what kind of woman do you think I am?” At what he said “I know the kind of woman you are, now we are dis...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

Why do chickens make good dollar store employees?

Whenever you ask them the price they say "Buck buck buck buuuuuuck,"

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees. All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A man went to a local shop, even though there were rumors going around that it was haunted, hadn’t heard them yet.

The shopkeeper came to him and said, “I must warn you young man, every item here comes with a price.”

The man said, “yes I know how stores work.”

The shopkeeper, now frustrated, said, “But these items might come with a price that is larger than you plan for.”

The man, also fru...

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and sa...

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Adam said unto the lord...

‘This garden of Eden you have provided, it has endless beauty and boundless supplies of nuts and berries.
But I’ve no one to share it with oh lord.’

The lord was a pretty sharp dude and said unto Adam...

‘Actually I’ve been thinking about that very problem. I can see that you are ...

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