If I had a dollar every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food.

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Edit: With all the complaining in the comments I could add a drink as well.

Nah cheers guys. Sorry about the cost of movie food. It’s the CEO’s fault not the person behind the counter. Please stop yelling at us. We are very small and we have no m...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

A Jewish man's wife dies. He wants to place an obituary in the local newspaper. The lady taking his order asks him what he'd like the obituary to say. He says just put "Rachel died" The lady explained he can can actually use five words as it's the same price as two. He says please put

"Rachel died. Volvo for sale"

Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person.

maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

Katie Price and Peter Andre are in a custody battle for Harvey

Eventually one of them will lose, and have to keep him

Fed up with with the prices at the grocery store, a housewife finds the nearest employee and screams " YOU CAN TAKE THIS $12 PINEAPPLE, AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"

The grocery clerk said "I'm sorry Ma'am but I can't. I already have an $18 chicken, a $6 gallon of milk, and 3 avocados up there"

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

A paraplegic is haggling the price of a wheelchair

He says "$300 or I walk"

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store

So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

I’m getting totally fed up with people whinging about the prices of things.

£1.25 for a Tea, £1.75 for a Coffee, £2 for a slice of cake and £2.50 for car parking.

Any more complaints and I will stop inviting people round to my house.

A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.

He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?”

The waiter says, “A penny.”

The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?”

The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished.

“Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!”...

If I had a penny for everytime people complain about the price of a Mac Display Stand,

I could afford a Mac Display Stand.

A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.

He was asked what was he going to use it for?

"Social media" He replied.

They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.

He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas".

A man phones a dental clinic to inquire about the price of removing a tooth

"Hello. How much is it to get a tooth removed", asks the man


"That'll be $700, it includes anesthetic, tooth extraction by myself, and assistance from a nurse", replies the dentist

"That's a bit much for me, how much if the nurse extracts it?"

"Well I guess we could do that...

Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.

Buy the dip.

The doctor's price for my vasectomy was a little high for me, but my offer was too low for him.

In the end we split the deferens.

What do you call the misguided act of worshipping mediocre products at rock-bottom prices?

I-Dollar-Tree

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

The price of real estate in my neighbourhood has become so expensive only cats can afford it.

You need 9 lives to pay it off.

Ps - should this be in /showerthoughts?

Price of gas

I stopped for gas yesterday and asked for 5 bucks worth. The clerk farted twice and asked me if I wanted a receipt

"Bad news son, the price of Vodka has risen", said the father. "Does that mean that you will drink less", asks the son.

"No, you will eat less."

Never say "Bloody Mary" three times at midnight, or you will have to pay a high price.

Really, I will never go to that overpriced bar again!

I’ve always wondered about the price of pies around the world

In the Bahamas they’re $9 a pie.
In Jamaica they’re $8 a pie.
In Cuba they’re $7 a pie.



And those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

Prices are going up

Two housewives met in the local supermarket. One had filled her shopping cart with Vaseline. She explained, “They are going to raise the price so, I’m stocking up.”

The other woman replied, “I’d never go to such extremes to save money. I’m not that tight.”

Charging $500 for a $5 case of water is considered price gouging. What is charging $500 for a $5 bag of saline called?

Healthcare.

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars

The price to watch is two-hundred.

In the Store with my wife I saw a box of beer on offer for half price so I said can I have them? she said no, budget is tight, I said well you just bought lots of makeup, she replied, that is to make me look beautiful, I replied..

That is what the beer was for.

I saw a vampire for sale at half price in the shop

It was a dis-count Dracula

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

With petrol prices nowadays,

it's actually cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere instead.

Balloon prices have gone up.

Damn inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Walks Into a Tattoo Shop Asking for $100 bill on penis

A man walks into a tattoo shop and asks to get $100 bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist is surprised and intrigued by this request. "Uh, are you sure about this sir?"

"Yes, I'm sure and I'm willing to pay whatever."

"Ok. May I ask why this particular tattoo in this particul...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers:

Riceless

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated, Bluetooth-ready butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out he's already making overpriced toys for assholes!

What do Iron Man and Katie Price have in common?

They have both had a Downey Junior Inside of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People treat me like showcase #1 on The Price Is Right

A worthless pile of shit with no car.

A poker player wins one million dollars first price in a tournament

Interviewer: Congratulations on your win! If you don't mind me asking, how will you spend you $1 million winnings?

Poker player: I owe some people some money so I will be paying my debt to these guys.

Interviewer: and what about the rest?

Poker player: Well... I guess they'll ha...

I find that the price of the iPhones to be...

XSsvive...


...I’ll show myself out.

My family got angry at me for practicing for The Price is Right

I guess I shouldn’t practice during Christmas

How do you sell beans for the price of beef?

Make vegan burger.

My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn’t know much but...

I know it ain’t sheep.

What happens when you win a raffle twice that gave you five for the price of three on rugby tickets?

You won two, three for five six nations tickets

I know a store that sells tennis equipment at ridiculously high prices.

What a racket!

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

The price of oil has dropped so far that...

Exxon-Mobil had to lay off 25 Congressmen.

I just found out that down is up.

Saw on the news that the price of feathers is skyrocketing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear that the prices of tampons have gone down recently?

Yeah, no strings attached!

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did.
Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to his office he regretted and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secreta...

I always found it hard being a shatter-proof glass salesman, I could never tell them the price

I didn't know how to break it to them

My girlfriend left me because she said I focus too much on growing and giving away herbs for really low prices

Now I don't know what to do with all this free thyme on my hands

The price of paper is getting so high!

At this rate my origami business is going to fold

Just saw the price of cigarettes and I realized there's no such thing as a smoker

The cigarette smokes, they are just the suckers

What's the average price of dead batteries?

No charge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to go down on you and make you happy. Then I want come back up slowly and fuck you hard...

Sincerely,

Gas prices

I've paid $.25 for a bag of Top Ramen since I was in college

Either they don't raise their prices for inflation or I've been getting ripped off the past 20 years...

Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price, and heavier than Alan Price

I learned this on a price comparison site.

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth payin...

All these people complaining about the price of air for tires..

They need to realize that's it's just inflation

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for the price of a drink.

The bartender says, " For you, no charge "

Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase?

I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch...

It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to an attractive woman in a bar and asks her if she'd have sex with him for 2 dollars...

"Absolutely not!" She replies.

He pauses for a second and asks her if she'd have sex with him for a thousand dollars.

She looks at him and a little smile cracks on her face.

"Why yes, yes I would"

"Great, what about 5 bucks?"

All of a sudden she loses her smile a...

I bought Deer Hunting 2 for half the price I got Deer Hunting 1...

I got more bang for my buck!

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and ...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into walmart to buy the album "Get Rich or Die Trying" but I had to dispute the price when it rang up for ten dollars...

... because it clearly says 50 Cent on it.

A man walks into a bookstore at 3.00 a.m. [Long]

He walks around and sees a particular notebook behind a counter that's locked in a glass box.

He asks the cashier what book that is and the cashier says he does not know and needs to get confirmation from the manager. The man asks him to do so.

Moments later, a tall, slender man with ...

I went to buy an assault rifle today

Astonished by the price, I asked the clerk:

"Do I get a student discount?"

A lot of people think that IPhone X price is too much, and no one will buy it.

But over the last week people paid over $800 for a packet of sauce, so anything must be possible.

Did you hear about the cashier who did tricks with the barcode machine, but still charged full price?

She was a scan artist.

Reddit

Some people think that Reddit is full of subliminal advertising.

That's crazy.

But not as crazy as the low, low prices found at Dave's Carpets, High Street, Wolverhampton.

A gorilla goes into a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.....

....the barman says “that’ll $25 please and I must say we don’t get many gorillas in here”
“With prices like that I’m not surprised” responds the Gorilla.

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.