UPJOKE
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Low Jokes

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Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...
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Lowes is celebrating Pride Month ...

I couldn't find a straight board in the whole store.
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International womens day is not an excuse for low effort sexist jokes.

Period.

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Low tech COVID test?

Stick one finger in your mouth and one finger in your butt. Wait two minutes then switch. If you can’t taste the difference you probably have Covid.

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.
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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate?

They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.
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My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
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How many Lowes would Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowes?

Who Knowes
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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom
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Why is the birthrate in Japan so low?

Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

A job at a sperm bank may be a low income job

But you’ll never be low incum
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Did you hear the one about the donkey with a low IQ?

It's a stupid-ass joke.

I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.
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A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.
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I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
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Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.
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Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.
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What do we want? Low-flying airplane noises!

When do we want them? NNNNNNEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
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My car keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.
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A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...
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Why does the mailman work for such a low salary?

Its not about the money. Its about Sending a message
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If having low confidence and low self-esteem was an Olympic sport...

I would probably get bronze.
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Sales of William Shatners new line of women's lingerie have been shockingly low

Maybe Shatner Panties wasn't the best brand name
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Why do you duck when the ceiling is low?

So you don’t quack your head
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I have such low self-esteem that

When I'm having sex, I fantasize that I'm someone else

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer

but nobody is willing to do it.
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I'm appalled and really can't believe all the tasteless jokes about the Titanic submarine.

Seriously, how can people sink so low?
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Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."
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Why are the lights always low in a Chinese restaurant?

Because they dim-sum.
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Did you know that Flemish people are consistently rated as highly attractive, but have a low average IQ?

Stupid sexy Flanders.

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11
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What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!
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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

As an experience it had highs and lows.

My bloodpressure and willpower respectively.
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I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.
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At the low cost airliner

Flight attendant: would you like a drink?

Passenger: what are the options?

Flight attendant: yes or no
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The alligator was low on potassium

So I ran to the gatorade
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Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...
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An ultra low frequency sine wave walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long phase?”
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making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.
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Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite
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I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.
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A car driver hits a low flying parrot

He takes the unconscious parrot, home and cares for it.
The next day it regains consciousness and finds himself in a cage. It gets surprised and says, " W-w-wait, jail? Did the car driver die?"
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Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.
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I was a desk clerk at a low cost hotel for young people but I had to quit.

It was a “hostel work environment.”
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Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.
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Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean
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Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario
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A Lowe's Hardware bathroom

is just an advertisement

Jokes about drowning billionaires are disgusting.

I mean, how low can you go?
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I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking
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David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...
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A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads
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One of Rob Lowe’s friends is at A Lowes store

While in the store he’s on the phone talking to rob. After a while rob invites him over.

He accepts and hangs up and announces in the store,

“I’m going to Rob Lowe’s!”
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Air pollution is so low

That my wife is able to see her mistakes
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Low quality paper

Is tearable.
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I've hit a new low in laziness.

I just told my hand I had a headache.
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For sale: 1981 Delorean, low miles

It’s only driven from time to time
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Two low ranking soldiers were talking

It was a private conversation
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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend
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Low wage workers play basketball. Tradesmen go bowling. Middle managers play softball. Upper managers play tennis. CEOs play golf.

The lesson: the higher you climb, the smaller your balls get.

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A woman goes to see the doctor with complaints of a low sex drive.

She tells the Dr “My husband wants me to get medicine so I’ll want sex as much as he does”, Doc tell her no problem he will give her the same hormone pills the Olympic weightlifting team uses . He confidently explains, “all of them want to have sex multiple times a day”

2 months later the wom...

How could anyone stoop so low?

said the dwarf when he got pickpocketed.
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Why does Viagra sell badly in low-income neighborhoods?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.
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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

What do you call a party of dwarves with very low constitution?

An extra short campaign
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WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?

LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?

*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*
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Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?
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Low tech enlightenment

A young tech executive is strolling through his business campus to stretch his limbs and get some air. He sits on a bench to relax, and pulls out his phone. Distracted, he looks up to notice an elderly Buddhist monk has sat down next to him.

He nods greeting and looks back to his phone, scrol...

I have such low self esteem

When I take a shower I realize how people missed opportunities to cleverly insult me
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The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.
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Why was the cloud low hanging?

It was watered down.
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I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied:

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.
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A dwarf once offered me money for a blowjob.

I'd never stoop so low.

What do you call a lock with low self-confidence?

Insecure.
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What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"
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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

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Why Does Italy Have Such A Low Teen Pregnancy Rate?

Because the kids learn in Italian history to always pull out

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.
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A very poor man has very low self confidence...

because of his eye. He lost it years ago, and he can not afford to buy a glass eye. All he can afford is an eye made of wood. One day, his friend decides to try to help him up his self confidence by telling him about a party. The man is reluctant, but his friend insists. At the party, the man is sta...

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha
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Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.
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What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine
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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and ...
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i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.
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Low sugar Swedish fish

If they make a low sugar swedish fish, would it be Sweet-Ish Swedish-ish fish?
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Why did the bra shop have a low rating?

There were many complains about poor customer support
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My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.
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What do you call a Hobbit who wears his pants down low?

Bilbo Saggins.
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My dwarf friend got fired from his low paying waiter job.

He was struggling to put food on the table.
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What do you call low-res femdom porn?

Jpegging

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!
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Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.
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I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!
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Low life scum

WE'VE JUST COME HOME TO FIND ALL THE WINDOWS AND DOORS WIDE OPEN,THEY'VE TAKEN THE FuCKIN' LOT......IT'S ALL GONE. THE DIRTY ROTTEN THIEVING BASTARDS. WHAT KIND OF SICK MINDED PERSON WOULD DO THAT TO ANOTHER PERSON ? YOU ARE NOT HUMAN. YOU ARE LOW LIFE SCUM...................THAT WAS MY ADVENT CALEN...

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.
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My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I'm low on iron

My buddy told me, "Don't worry, there's plenty other deficiency."
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