UPJOKE
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Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

Why does the mailman work for such a low salary?

Its not about the money. Its about Sending a message

Aldi's low prices aren't only on food.

They have shopping carts for just a quarter!

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Why does Japan have such low obesity rates?

Because the last time a fat man was there a whole city blew up.

what do you call a god with low self esteem?

an athiest, because he just doesn't believe in himself

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I have such low self-esteem that

When I'm having sex, I fantasize that I'm someone else

I tried to sell my chickens, ut was insulted by all the low offers.

All I could get was a poultry amount of money.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

Sales of William Shatners new line of women's lingerie have been shockingly low

Maybe Shatner Panties wasn't the best brand name

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International womens day is not an excuse for low effort sexist jokes.

Period.

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Yesterday i went to a party

I met a really hot girl and we immediately hit it off.
After some time we began kissing in another room

She asked me: " 20$ for a blowjob?"
I replied: "sure"

Should have seen my face when she pulled out 20$

Sorry officer, can't do that!

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says,

\- "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says,

\- "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a r...

2 hunters, Bill and Tom, were out in the Blue Mountains one wintery day – looking for some feral game.

After nearly an entire day without a sighting they spotted a herd of feral goats and started stalking.

So excited & intent were they on their targets that one of them, Bill, didn't watch his footing and had the misfortune to trip and fall off a 12m cliff. Tom found him at the bottom in g...

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

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New hire at the winery

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and sa...

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An Octopus in the Highlands

One lovely evening in the Scottish Highlands, a lad walked into a local pub with his octopus in tow. There was a general start in the otherwise subdued and cozy establishment. The lad takes a seat at the bar, props his octopus in the seat next to him, and proclaims for all to hear:

“I hereby ...

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a gunslinger walks into a bar.

Low and behold there sits doc holiday. The gunslinger says you're doc holiday you're my hero. Would you mind critiquing my shooting? Doc says ok ... guy whips his pistol out and shoots the cufflink off the piano player. Doc says pretty good, but a true gunslinger can shoot with both hands. Guy pu...

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

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Three chefs were stuck on a deserted island.

They were completely out of food and about to starve to death so they decide they need to start eating each other.

First one of them cuts off his own hand. He marinades it in sea salt and then cooks it over a hot fire. The results are exquisite.

"Wonderfully crispy, just like my mother...

You've heard of/seen the movie The Last of the Mohicans...

But have you heard they are making a prequal trilogy?


They're doing it a little like Memento where each movie will be further back in time. So, for example the first prequal movie takes place right before the original, then the next before that, then the last one will start the whole thi...

I was shocked...

I was shocked to read in the papers today that a short person had been pickpocketed. I just thought to myself “How could someone stoop so low?”

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A man is in court facing bestiality charges

The judge says to him, "I can't believe you have sex with dogs, this is disgusting, it upset the dogs, their owners. Honestly, how low can you go?"

The guy says, "probably a chihuahua."

call me crazy, but i think it is possible for a Democratic president who spent his first term setting records for high inflation, gas prices and low approval ratings to win a second term in office

Jimmy Carter 2024

Lion and Monkey

A Monkey would come over and make fun of the lion everyday. Lion would keep his head low and would just ignore. All the animals would feel humiliated because their King was being ridiculed, but there was nothing anyone could do.

The lioness would say I'll go and kill that monkey but the lion ...

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In the early days of pioneer life, a compass was essential. One of the more common varieties was called the "Tates" compass.

Unfortunately it was a very low quality compass. From which comes the expression: He who has a "Tates," is lost.

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Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

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When I told my friend I was getting a Jeep he was hating on it saying shit like "What about the glaciers and the rainforests?"



I was like "Bro, this thing has 4WD Low Range and diff locks, it'll handle that shit easily"

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Why are the lights always low in a Chinese restaurant?

Because they dim-sum.

Russian health tips

-"For better digestion ,I drink beer, for low blood pressure I drink red wine, for high blood pressure Cognac and for colds Vodka. "
-"And what about water?"
-"I don't think I ever had such an illness...."

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

8 year old son's greatest joke

My son told me this joke years ago and it still is my favourite joke. He came home from school one day and says 'Dad, I have a joke for you.' I said, oh yes, let's hear it. Very low expectations at this point. He said 'Why did the chicken cross the road?', I replied with the usual, 'I don't know son...

Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

I went to a store that sells door locks for little people.

Low key, it was pretty nice.

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

Men's Helpline for Women

Dear John,

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.  My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He wa...

Some low-level mafia thugs are playing cards... [long-ish]

One of them says, "Where's Joey? He never misses poker night."

His friend says, "Oh, didn't you hear? Joey's dead."

"Awww, that's a shame. How did he die?"

"Well, he went to the doctor last week and found out he had gonorrhoea."

"So? Gonorrhoea isn't fatal."

"It is...

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

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One day in the Garden of Eden God notices that Adam looks down in the dumps

"What's up Adam?" says God.
"Not to be ungrateful God, it's great here and everything but I'm lonely all on my own," replies Adam.
God thinks for a moment and says, "I know what, for a small price I'll create a woman for you and then you won't be lonely any more."
"A woman," says Adam...

Knock knock. Who's there?

THE DOOR! (Low effort)

These two dudes are lost in a stolen airplane, one said he was a pilot but who knows, anyway they need to land this hot airplane somewhere before they get low on gas

They're freaking out when all of the sudden they see a runway.

The guy on the controls says "There's the runway, bro!"

Other guy is like "Oh man I don't know that runway looks really short, dude."

The guy flying is like "No bro that is definitely a runway let's do this"
...

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

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Why is Japan's birth rate so low?

Because the last time they had a little boy...

Apparently, it is illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii

All you can do is a low HA

A man who was attempting an arctic expedition died in his sleep when the temperature dropped…

… because he had bought low-budget equipment. Everyone told him his gear wasn’t suitable. He didn’t realise it was a poor tent of doom.

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

A thread of all the best jokes Siri has ever told me.

One day I was looking for creative task avoidance tactics, so I asked Siri to tell me a joke. Here are some of the best she had:

1. Whiteboards are quite remarkable.

2. Pavlov’s hair wasn’t always so silky. He had to condition it.

3. Did you hear about the band called 1023MB? Th...

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An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years …

…until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop:
They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: Butter – 10 euros
In response, the old lady added a sign to her own window: Butter – 9 euros
The next day, the big supermarket had a ...

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

Someone broke into my house and stole my Limbo trophy

Just how low can these criminals go

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

A dwarf walks into a bar

He hits his head and falls down.

I know you were expecting a better joke but the bar was set too low

Man walks into a bar

Bartender says sorry, the bar was too low. She raises the bar.

Man walks into bar but now can’t pay the bill. The bar was too high.

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Two women are talking over the garden wall and the conversation turns to money.

“You know, Lauren, I’ve discovered a great way to get more money out of my old man. Last week I wore a low necked jumper when we went shopping and as I bent over the supermarket freezer one of my boobs popped out. You should have seen Bill, he nearly had a blue fit. I told him it was because I didn’...

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An ant, a spider and a centipede are throwing a party...

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.
10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider a...

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

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A guy walks into a bar with a gun ...

A guy walks into a bar with a gun, fires one shot into the ceiling, then snarls: “Who’s the low-down dirty varmint who had sex with my wife?”

There is a long silence, until a guy in the back calls out: “You ain’t got enough bullets!”

A group of 40-year-old blokes who were having a reunion discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should mee...

A beautiful female student was in danger of flunking her middle-aged male professor's course

It was near the end of the semester and she came to class in a short skirt and low-cut top. After the other students left the classroom she approached the prof.

"You know, I'd do *anything* to pass this class," she said flirtatiously.

The professor lowered his voice and looked down his...

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

A guy interviews a man on the street

“Low Gas Prices or Protect Trans-Rights?”

“Low Gas Prices”

“Why?”

“Because It’s better for the Trans-mission”

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A woman goes to see the doctor with complaints of a low sex drive.

She tells the Dr “My husband wants me to get medicine so I’ll want sex as much as he does”, Doc tell her no problem he will give her the same hormone pills the Olympic weightlifting team uses . He confidently explains, “all of them want to have sex multiple times a day”

2 months later the wom...

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

What does an Al Qaida terrorist and a flexible man have in common?

They can blow themselves

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

The news reported vaccinations in Arkansas are low because Pregnant women are hesitant to take it.

Imagine how worried their brothers are.

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomically low

An ultra low frequency sine wave walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long phase?”

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

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A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

A man built a zoo..

He made the entrance fee $60 but no one enters his zoo..

He reduced it to $40 but still no one came.

He made $10 for the entrance but no one still enters..

What the man did, because no one was coming in even though the entrance fee was very low, he just made it FREE.

As a...

The alligator was low on potassium

So I ran to the gatorade

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

A car driver hits a low flying parrot

He takes the unconscious parrot, home and cares for it.
The next day it regains consciousness and finds himself in a cage. It gets surprised and says, " W-w-wait, jail? Did the car driver die?"

I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied:

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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A young man volunteered for the military during WW2.

He had such a high aptitude
for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his fi...

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

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