I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

How many Lowe’s

How many Lowe’s can Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

My stock career: Started from low

...and ended up lower.

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Why does Japan have such a low obesity rate?

The last time they had a fat man, 80000 people died.

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Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn.........

......Over my shoulder!!!

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

What do Donald Trump, Lowes, and Home Depot have in common?

>!All three are severely short-handed.!<

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A Lowe's Hardware bathroom

is just an advertisement

What do you call a Hobbit who wears his pants down low?

Bilbo Saggins.

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.

Two low ranking soldiers were talking

It was a private conversation

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

Bill Clinton laid low after his presidency

He sort of just came and went

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

Low iron gang rise!

But not too quickly

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

Air pollution is so low

That my wife is able to see her mistakes

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

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Billy the Irishman

An old Irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down. The bartender says *"ay, Billy! What's the matter? You seem troubled"*. Billy responds with *"you see this bar we're standing in? I built it with me own hands!*

*But they don't call me the bar builder, no! And...

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

What Star Wars character would be best at limbo?

Han So Low

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Why could you see the dyslexic girls boobs?

Because she set the bra too low.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

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A New Yorker goes hunting in the Alps...

... he’s never hunted in his life, so he gets a local guide to show him.

The guide explains “Is very easy, up the mountain, Pierre will make the sound of an elk in heat, the elk will come out of his cave, you point the shotgun at it and shoot. Got it?”

“Yeah yeah, this’ll be easy” say...

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

How do Hawaiians react to a reposted joke?

A low ha.

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

Two tunnels

Once a tunnel was to be build through a mountain, but the state is running low on budget.


Two brothers from India accepted the challenge and agreed to work this out on the small budget. Curious about their enthusiam, the supervisor asked about any possible plan they are having.

To ...

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An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

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A traveling salesman employs a man with a stutter to sell toothbrushes...

His expectations are low for this guy, so he gives him a couple dozen toothbrushes to sell, expecting him to flop out.

To his surprise, the man returns in an hour with all the money. "S-s-sold then a-all!", he says.

The salesman chalks it up to beginners luck, and hands the stutterin...

What do you call a low budget circumcision?

A rip-off

Heard about the dwarf that got his pocket picked

How could anyone stoop so low

My dog's bark is so low frequency I can barely hear it.

That's the last time I'll adopt a sub woofer.

Why is Thor’s brother not as famous?

Because he’s rather low-key!

I once reached an all time low in life, when my entire job was just to wake someone up in the morning.

It was alarming.

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What do you call a cheap blowjob?

a low blow

Your chances of getting killed by a cow are low, but never zero...

All it takes is one moostake

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A family checks into a hotel for a vacation...

with their two teenage boys. This will be the first vacation where the boys will have their own hotel room, and their parents are looking forward to some quality time together.

The father checks them all in and gives the two boys their keys. The father knows all too well what teenage boys are...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

3 madmen walk on railroad tracks.

One of them says "damn, it feels like this staircase never ends!"


The other answers "yeah, and the railing is so low! I can hardly reach it!"


Then the third points with his finger and says "stop crying. Look, the elevator is coming."

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

Jogging in the forest

A man is taking a jog in the forest. He realizes he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says, "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city."

The first man agrees, thinking that the secon...

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

An attractive co-worker that I’ve been working with for 3 years confessed to me today, but I rejected her.

One way to spot a woman with low standards is when they start liking me.

What kind of shoes does the eskimo businessman wear?

Low furs

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

Whats the most important thing to be when living in Asgard with a corrupt police force?

Gotta be low key.

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

I just read a story about songs in history and the pitches in which they were sung.

For example, a march to battle was sung around middle D. Gregorian chants were sung from low D to middle G.

It seems that most, if not all, pirate shanties were sung on the high C’s.

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Welcome to the Mental Health telephone help line.

If you have short-term memory loss, please press 0.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4 and 5.
If you are in denial, please press 6 to con...

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

Inside jokes

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

An ant walks into this Reddit sub.

The bar is set really low here.

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

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An Irish man walks into the pub

The bartender asks him: “What’ll you have?”

The man says: “Give me three pints of Guinness please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender sa...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

Why were Loki's powers centered around creating illusions?

It allows him to be low-key with his mischiefs.

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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Two Friends graduate together from a college. One of them becomes a businessman and the other becomes a forest officer

After a few years, the forest officer (FO) invites the businessman(BM) to visit him in the jungles of which he was incharge. The BM agrees at once and arrives at the forest within a week. They talk about old days and everything and then the FO takes him out to the jungle for a tour. A kilometer insi...

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

I have such low self esteem

When I take a shower I realize how people missed opportunities to cleverly insult me

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

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So a busy office drone is feeling physically low, flaccid, out of sorts.

So a busy office drone is feeling physically low, flaccid, out of sorts. Goes to a therapist who says he has to get some exercise. But how? His weekends are taken up with ex-wife and shared kids, work is all consuming. How about running to work? Embarrassing. Silly. So how about running with a purpo...

Why did the bra shop have a low rating?

There were many complains about poor customer support

Females call me Little Ceasar

Cause I got crazy bread and low quality meat.

A man's car breaks down outside of a monastery.

A man is driving home from a buisness trip. As he has a pretty low paying job, he doesn't have the best of cars.

After a few hours of driving, he drives past a monastery.

Unfortunately his car breaks down right in front of the monastery.

Being a man of God, he obviously figures...

i only made this because i could not post in r/memes thanks to my karma being too low

one day i tried to tell a chemistry joke



but i got no reaction

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Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.

In order to see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds to make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting to make the following ...

Did you hear about the hardware store being built in Mariana's Trench?

It will be the lowest of Lowe's.

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The military is testing new life insurance policies.

So one doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch.
After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It's a low ranking private. "Where would you like us to measure?" The doctor asks. "From the top ...

My patience is so low

The other day I forwarded a How It's Made to see how it ended

A doctor was telling a colleague about a patient who had come in from a terrible car accident.

"They were losing a lot of blood and had to be operated on right away. The other passengers from the accident came in with them, but were mostly unharmed. As I saw to the patient, a nurse got information from the others involved in the accident, apparently a brother and sister, Augustus and Beatrice...

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Three men arrive in Heaven at the same time.

As they approach the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter appears before them.

"The rules are simple: to get into Heaven, first you have to tell me how you die. If I'm satisfied with your story, you can come in."

The first man steps forward.

"Imagine this. You come home to your sixth-floo...

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

WHAT DO WE WANT?

Low flying plane noises!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?

Nnnnnnyyyyyyyyooooooooo...

\*ducks as the National Guard flies a helicopter over our heads\*

Shooting newborns in the maternity ward is just low.

Spawnkillers are absolute scum.

My family all makes fun of me for having a low-paying job filling in spreadsheets

But I like having a job where I can Excel.

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A guy walks into a brothel, there's nobody at the reception, but there's a sign

The sign is between two doors. It says:

If you have a lot of money to spend, go left.

If you don't have any money, go right.

Guy is kind of poor, so he chooses the door on the right. Another long hall, and at the end there are again 2 doors with a sign between them:

If yo...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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I finally lost it with the hoarding!

Was just at Walmart and saw a man who’s cart was full of sanitizers soaps wipes and toilet paper.

I called him a selfish bastard and gave him a low down on the elderly, moms, and people who really need those things. I told him he should be ashamed of himself.

He said “Are you done? Cu...

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Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?

It's said to have a very low margarine of error.

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