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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a fat man 80,000 people died

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

An ultra low frequency sine wave walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long phase?”

My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.

He prescribed two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.

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What do you call a prostitute with low prices?

More bang for your buck

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

If you are feeling low

Remember there is a high possibility you will become millionaire before Jeff bezos.

Why doesn't Bernie Sanders like low-fat milk?

It's the one percent.

A guy sees his Doctor who tells him he has really low magnesium in his blood

The guy says 0Mg

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.

I've hit a new low in laziness.

I just told my hand I had a headache.

How many Lowe’s

How many Lowe’s can Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s

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Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn.........

......Over my shoulder!!!

My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

Spanking your own kids is already low but if you spank someone else's kid

you've hit a new bottom

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

What do Donald Trump, Lowes, and Home Depot have in common?

>!All three are severely short-handed.!<

What do you call a Hobbit who wears his pants down low?

Bilbo Saggins.

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

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A Lowe's Hardware bathroom

is just an advertisement

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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A Mechanical engineer, Electrical engineer, Chemical engineer and IT engineer are sitting at a bar

A guy walks in and asks if anyone is a mechanic, his car is running real rough and he’s not sure if it will breakdown before he gets home.

The 4 engineers, bored, run outside to check it out.

The mechanical engineer says “sounds like your engine is misfiring due to compression leaks...

Just as the Count was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open.

Incontinently, a host of furious villagers stormed into the library, waving blazing torches and voicing dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them like a solid thing.

"Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid ci...

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

Two low ranking soldiers were talking

It was a private conversation

When they didn't accept my discount, I gave my local tanning salon a low rating...

It seemed a little shady to me.

Bill Clinton laid low after his presidency

He sort of just came and went

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

Why were birth rates low in 1970?

.

You can't get pregnant during '69.

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I've never seen this here, and it's long and gross.

There's a farmer, who is having a hard time getting his cows to mate. Specifically, the bull doesn't seem like he can ever get into the mood. He's tried everything he can think of, but this bull just won't do it.

So he gives up on his own wisdom, and consults a cow expert. He approaches the e...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

Low iron gang rise!

But not too quickly

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

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An Irishman walks into a pub.

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three ...

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

Little Johnny hears a strange sound from his mother's bedroom.

He peeps around the door and sees her lying on her bed, rubbing low down on her stomach and moaning "I need a man! I need a man!"

A few days later she comes home with a strange man and a big bag of candy, and she gives the candy to Little Johnny with strict instructions to sit in front of the...

To whoever broke into the bar last night and stole the limbo stick...

Seriously, how low can you go.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low.

A man is driving down a road, when suddenly, he notices that his gas tank is running dangerously low. He pulls over at the next gas station he sees, and while his gas is being refilled, goes into the station to get a drink.

He picks out a drink, and as he is buying it, notices a sign that re...

A guy gets pulled over by police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the guy says “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.”

“Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”...

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

My family told me I should buy local products. As it's healthier and helps the economy.

I don't know how buying low calorie products helps our economy but okay.

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The current pandemic has caused the price of deer meat to reach all time lows.

Deer testicles are under a buck.

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

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Conversation with a mechanic

Mechanic: you used subpar fuel which corroded your intake injectors and manifold

Me: Uhh, English bro

Mechanic: low quality gas damaged your engine

Me: dumb it down for me kemosabe

Mechanic : Bad go-go juice made your vroom vroom machine all fucky

Me : oh fuck

There was once a partly deaf man.

He couldn't hear low noises and could only hear loud ones.

One day, he went to the Doctor for his monthly checkup. He was sitting with the Doctor. The Doctor kept talking and talking for a long time. The deaf man then said:

"Doctor, I can't understand what you're saying. Usually I can ...

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

Air pollution is so low

That my wife is able to see her mistakes

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ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly.

"That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her...

A physicist, chemist and computer scientific were traveling in a car

The car breaks down and all three of them step out and stare at the car.

The physicist says, "Probably a mechanical failure, let's look at the engine."

The chemist says, "Unlikely, the fuel is probably of a low grade which must be the culprit."

The computer scientist says, "Let'...

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There once was a child born missing an eye...

At birth the doctors decided it best to give the child a wooden eye until the family could afford to get the baby a nice glass eye.

Sadly the family could never afford it. And the boy was bullied a lot in school over it and eventually was taken out and home schooled. Everywhere he went he had...

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

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Two old friends meet at the supermarket and one says

"Hey, man! How have you been?"

"Oh, great," says the other. "I have recently bought an elephant."

"An elephant? Are you serious?" asks his friend.

"Yeah, man. The kids love him, he's their best friend. They call him Mr Trunks. He washes my car with his trunk. I don't need to cut...

Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So i pushed her over. As expected, it was very low.

Whoa! Looks like r/jokes is gonna turn 13 years old in a few months!

I wonder how low membership will get once all the Catholic priests lose interest.

God was handing out talents one morning

To some, He gave the power to create life. The angels around Him were in awe as crops flourished and population soared. To others, he gave fine skills and artistry. His angelic entourage marveled at intricate needlework, tapestry, and sculpture.

God stooped down low and found a man waiting i...

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The plastic surgery industry seems to neglect the market for middle aged dangling balls

Seems like low hanging fruit.

Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to Little Johnny.

“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”

Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.

Despite her mounting fears, she asked Little Johnny what he meant by that....

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

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I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

What do you call a low budget circumcision?

A rip-off

A man who has been brought up elsewhere, returns to his ancestral village.

He had heard tales that the average IQ of the people of his village was pretty low, and so he wanted to find out for himself.

Near the outskirts of the village, he saw a man atop a branch of a tree imitating a racecar.

"What are you doing?" He asked

"Don't disturb me, I'm in a ...

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

[Long] A man goes into a hotel with a built-in restaurant

He checks in, goes to his room to read, then he goes to the restaurant and sits on one of the central tables.

He then orders the meal and waits for it, but he also notices that the waiter seems to always serve guests who are sitting near the room's walls.

The man gets a bit irritated...

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A woman went to a synagogue in Poland after the Holocaust to record the history that was nearly lost forever, where she found an unusual tradition she had never seen before.

At the synagogue, when they carried the Torah\*, they would bring it around to everyone who wanted to touch the Torah, which was normal. But when they brought the Torah down the center aisle, the carrier would get down on their knees and knee-walk all the way!

The woman had never heard of thi...

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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are escaping prison...

They come across a farm and decide to hide among the animals in a desperate attempt to conceal themselves.
The police show up and find the redhead within the chicken coop. “Squawk, cock-a-doodle-do,” she cries.
Next, they find the brunette hiding among the cows in their pens. “Moo!” She lows, ...

What Star Wars character would be best at limbo?

Han So Low

This movie about killing dwarf vampires has no tension

The stakes are too low

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

My dog's bark is so low frequency I can barely hear it.

That's the last time I'll adopt a sub woofer.

I once reached an all time low in life, when my entire job was just to wake someone up in the morning.

It was alarming.

Joe kept cheating at the limbo competition, my buddy pulled me aside and says:

"Man, how low can you go."

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

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Billy the Irishman

An old Irishman shuffles into a bar at sundown with his eyes low and his head down. The bartender says *"ay, Billy! What's the matter? You seem troubled"*. Billy responds with *"you see this bar we're standing in? I built it with me own hands!*

*But they don't call me the bar builder, no! And...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

I'm confused as to why my credit score is so low...

My bank says I have an OUTSTANDING balance on my card!

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A nun...

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice,”Could you please take me to Times Square?”

In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation,”Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?”

The nun says,”Why no, my son, wh...

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My lord, my client is a liftman and this complainant walked in the elevator wearing low cleavage blouse showing ample amount of her breasts"

"Then she caught him checking at them and said angrily

'Stop staring at them and press one quickly ' .

And my client did exactly that. I rest my case ".

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Why could you see the dyslexic girls boobs?

Because she set the bra too low.

A Scary Midnight Story

A taxi driver is going home at midnight when he decides to take a shortcut through a cemetery. He's driving slowly through the dark when he suddenly stops in shock. In front of his headlights is a lady in white hailing him down.

Before he has time to think, the woman climbs in and says in a ...

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

A man is planning on taking a vacation but is afraid of flying

He is afraid of someone bombing the plane, so he asks a statistician what the odds are of a bomb being on a plane. He says the odds are one in a million and he shouldn’t worry about it.

He asks what the odds of 2 bombs being on the same plane are, and the statistician says the odds are so lo...

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

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A New Yorker goes hunting in the Alps...

... he’s never hunted in his life, so he gets a local guide to show him.

The guide explains “Is very easy, up the mountain, Pierre will make the sound of an elk in heat, the elk will come out of his cave, you point the shotgun at it and shoot. Got it?”

“Yeah yeah, this’ll be easy” say...

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The fertility rate is at an all-time low...

...we’re so fat, we can’t even fuck.

People used to be a lot more optimistic in the past, but things have taken quite a turn haven't they. The economy's uncertain, salaries are shrinking, jobs are dissipating. Morale is generally quite low nowadays.

If the elevator were invented today, it would be called the plunger.

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

What do you call a steam engine that transports low purity meth?

Thomas the Crank Engine

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An 18 year old supermodel is selling her virginity on eBay

For the low price of $80,000 you can have the worst sex of your life

How do Hawaiians react to a reposted joke?

A low ha.

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

I went to a support group for people with low self esteem

As an activity to boost our self esteem, the instructor had us all go around in a circle and say one thing that we had accomplished in our life.

When it got to me, I told them that once I put a USB in right on the first try!

"I'm sorry, you must be in the wrong group," said the instruc...

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