Low humor

My parents were Dwarfs. For years they struggled to put food on the table.

What do you call a soldier with criminally low intelligence?

Special ops!

Did you hear about the marble statue with low self esteem?

She was taken for granite

What do you call a low budget terrorist attack?

7/11

making fun of a persons deceased mother is a low blow.

btw, the lowest blow I've ever gotten was from your mom.

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Why is Japan's birth rate so low?

Because the last time they had a little boy...

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

A business owner offered low wages and no benefits, and couldn’t understand why no one would work for him.

No one felt bad, it was a personnel problem.

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I can't believe how low the standards have gotten with porn majors at University

They're passing everyone with several D's these days.

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Spanking your own kids is already low

But If You Spank Someone Else's Kid
You've Hit A New Bottom

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Apparently, due to COVID Germany is running low on sausage and cheese.

The government considers this to be the Wurst Käse scenario

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A woman goes to see the doctor with complaints of a low sex drive.

She tells the Dr “My husband wants me to get medicine so I’ll want sex as much as he does”, Doc tell her no problem he will give her the same hormone pills the Olympic weightlifting team uses . He confidently explains, “all of them want to have sex multiple times a day”

2 months later the wom...

Why do you see a blonde crawling in the supermarket?

Because she is looking for low prices.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein kill himself?

Because he had low self Epstein.

Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring

Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The att...

Low iron deficiency gang STAND UP!

But not too fast.

A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can’t keep up, and is forced to close down.

Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..

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A joke my dad's friend told me when I was way too young

Going off the dome for this one but it's been burned in my head since I was 8; apologies if it's been told before (couldn't find a direct post). Also, this joke, is uh, from a different era? Apologies again.

There was a woman who found herself recently single after her abusive husband suddenl...

I know joking about Tom Cruise's height is low-hanging fruit...

but that’s all he can reach.

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship.

She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away....



A gentleman approached the lady and said .....

"Ma'am, ....

I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up"....



The lady replied, ......

"Sir, if ...

I went to check the prices of low quality electric plugs yesterday

They were shocking

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

Why did the man use π for a pain scale from 1-10?

Because it was low level, but never ending!

A dog comes limping into the old west salloon.

Bartender asks if he can help the dog with anything.

Dog says, "I'm lookin for the low down rascal who shot my paw."

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.

I hung my head as I sat in a fetal position on the floor, trying to choke back the tears.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I'd done some crazy things in my life, but this time I had sunk to a new low. I still shuddered inside at the thought of what had just happened.
"You knew...

What do you call a party of dwarves with very low constitution?

An extra short campaign

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Why does Japan have a low obesity rate?

Because last time there was a fat man 80,000 people died

I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...

Only driven from time to time.

A car driver hits a low flying parrot

He takes the unconscious parrot, home and cares for it.
The next day it regains consciousness and finds himself in a cage. It gets surprised and says, " W-w-wait, jail? Did the car driver die?"

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

The alligator was low on potassium

So I ran to the gatorade

Started my first job two months ago: low paying job but with good potential for growth. I’m yet to pay my student loan

During the job interview, my boss said I spend to much time thinking before I answered the questions, so they have doubts with my sincerity. Nevertheless, he said he saw my potential and picked me.

The board was going to meet today to discuss about an impending merger. My boss asked me to co...

I got my test results back. Turns out I was dangerously low on magnesium and potassium.

0MG 0K.

An 86 year old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check up

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor examined him and told him that aside from a low sperm count, he was perfectly healthy. The old man scoffed and said, "Nonsense, I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do y...

Give a man a duck, and he'll eat for a night.

Teach a man to duck, and he'll avoid low-flying objects.

My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO.

Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Low flying airplane noises! WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?!

Neeeeeeeeeeeooowwwwwwwwwww.

Record low temperatures causing snow and freezing all over the southern United States.

Finally: white people in Texas are having problems with ICE.

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At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died.

The director started looking for a new one to hire. A retired Marine A-4 pilot, drunk and with a ragged dirty look, came to apply for the position. The director wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass of wine to taste.

The old pilot tried it and said, "It's a Muscat three ...

I don’t understand why my credit score is so low.

Every time collectors call, they say my payments have been outstanding.

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

At the low cost airliner

Flight attendant: would you like a drink?

Passenger: what are the options?

Flight attendant: yes or no

My bro asked what’s it like being diabetic?

I said “it has its highs and lows” I asked him what it was like to have Bipolar disorder, he said “it has its ups and downs”

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The wife has put us on a low carb diet....

But it isn't all bad, Friday's is cheat day. So last week I fucked her sister.

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Reddit is like my relatives

Some people agree with me.

Some are disagreeable.

Some want to love you.

Others hate you.

Some are disappointed in you.

And some will always look up to you.

And whenever I'm feeling low I can always jack off.

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

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Now that generic versions of Viagra are available, there are several low-cost options to treat erectile dysfunction.

Ask your doctor if coxaphlopin is right for you.

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

I asked the mailman why he worked at such a low-paying job. He replied:

It's not about the money. It's about sending a message.

An ultra low frequency sine wave walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the long phase?”

My dad was low on confidence after spending two weeks in ICU.

I said: “Dad, don’t worry you are being transfused with B positive.”

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Impotence - An original joke

A joke I (nearly) got suspended for, for making up at work:

.
.


An 18 year old named Timmy is worried that he might be impotent so he goes to see the doctor.


Timmy says to the Doctor: "Doctor, doctor I'm afraid I might be impotent, I watch porn but nothing happens."...

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

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Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Two prisoners have escaped today

One is 7 feet, the other is 3 ft 6 in. Police are looking high and low for them.

What do you call a balding lion in a Chinese restaurant?

Low mane.

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Where do pirates go to get high quality goods for almost no money at all?

You might think they’d go to Walmarrrrrt for their every day low prices.

Or maybe Tarrrrrrrget for the barrrrrrgains.

Or Ebayyyye to buy used goods from other mateys.

But they’re pirates.

They don’t go to the store to get things. They go to sea and fucking steal shit....

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Why does Viagra sell badly in low-income neighborhoods?

Because the boys in the hood are always hard.

The employees at Lowe's will ignore you for a full 25 minutes...

... until you start a chainsaw.

How many Lowe’s

How many Lowe’s can Rob Lowe rob if Rob Lowe could rob Lowe’s

“Hey, why do you still work as a mailman despite having such a low salary?”

“It’s not about the money, it’s about sending a message.”

Text abbreviations for seniors.

• ATD: At The Doctor's

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

• BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

• CGU: Can't Get Up

• FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

• GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

• GHA: Got Heartburn Again

IMHAO: Is My Hearing Aid On?

• LMDO: Laughing My ...

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

COVID-19 plagues a rural country town in the States.

Lockdowns have been imposed, and the infection rate is rising fast. An overweight and diabetic anti-masker is standing on the steps of the church, going against lockdown procedures, when a bystander coming from the grocery store walks by. “Better return home man, the infection rate is rising fast!”<...

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

If you are feeling low

Remember there is a high possibility you will become millionaire before Jeff bezos.

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Mom takes her 3 sons to the dr.

Dr gives them the yearly physical. Results come in, low iron. Dr prescribes iron tablets.

A week later the youngest son comes up to his mom with a problem. She asks what it is. The son says he's peeing bb's. Mom says thats fine, I put more iron in your diet.

Two weeks later the middle ...

A mushroom forager sank to new lows for his hunt.

He stole a car for transportation and trespassed on private property to hunt on. Nevertheless his hunt was unsuccessful. He had no morels.

A Preist, a Pastor, and a Rabbit

A preist, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic. The nurse at the front desk notices them waiting and asks them if they know their blood types; they're very low on specific types of blood, as usual.

The rabbit hurriedly hops up and says "Yep, I'm a type A-."

The nurs...

Some friends are out golfing when a phone rang

One of them picks it up :

"Hey honey, it's your wife. Sorry for interrupting your game but I saw these amazing boots that costs $2k. They are on sale right now, can I have them ?"

"Of course ! Use my credit card."

"Thank you ! Also, I just saw that Mercedes has a new model and p...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low?

She thought it was diet coke.

A crab and a lobster start dating

Sadly, the crab and the lobster had to keep their relationship a secret as normally lobsters always looked down on the low-class crabs. But as they continued their relationship, they realized they wanted to marry and the girl lobster insisted that she needed to introduce her crab boyfriend to her fa...

i wrote this as a kid: Why did Jesus have low self esteem

He was Jewish. He didn’t believe in himself.

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The cowboy's wife

A cowboy walked into the local honky tonk late one Saturday evening with his pistol drawn. "Alright nobody move! This here 6 shooters loaded and I'm here to shoot the low down varmint that's been sleeping with my wife!"
The crowd froze and nobody dared to speak for a full minute. Finally some dru...

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Penguin

Went to a hooker but was low on funds. She said she would give me penguin sex at a discount. “What’s that “,I said .She proceeded to pull my pants around my ankles and give me a amazing hummer. But right when I was about to finish she quickly pulled away , leaving me chasing after with my pants stil...

My wife told me we need to go shopping, we are low on spices

It is The End of Thyme .

Why doesn't Bernie Sanders like low-fat milk?

It's the one percent.

Doctors say Rudy Giuliani's white blood cells count was low

but he’s demanding a recount.

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An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

My wife was running low on some seasoning for Thanksgiving dinner, so she stretched it by adding marijuana.

It was high thyme.

Your chances of meeting a unicorn are extremely low.

But they are still higher than the chance of you getting a girlfriend/boyfriend

A boy was always getting low grades in maths...

A boy was always getting low grades in maths and his parents were getting worried. After 3 tests with continuous F's, they decided to send him to a Catholic school due to the high success rate in maths.

After the boys first day of school there, he got home and ran straight to his room without...

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NSFW: The Monkey and the Lion

There was a problem amongst the denizens of the jungle.

A monkey had recently been fucking all the different animals in the jungle against their will, save for the lions, as they are at the top of the food chain. Literally all the different animals had fallen victim to the monkey; he was ind...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

A guy sees his Doctor who tells him he has really low magnesium in his blood

The guy says 0Mg

I've hit a new low in laziness.

I just told my hand I had a headache.

My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.

Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for...

Coronavirus for president!

One day I’m going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout “our prices are Sofa King low!”

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A gentleman was waiting for his buddy at the pub,

but after an hour of waiting, he became irritated.

Low and behold, his friend Dave FINALLY arrived.

The gentleman asked; "what took you so long, I've been waiting here for an hour!"

Dave began to apologize and told him; "I'm sorry bro, I met this wonderful woman by the railway...

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A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.

Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.

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Today on the bus, I caught an absolutely disgusting low lying old pervert watching Porn.........

......Over my shoulder!!!

The young salesman

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

My wife said she was feeling light-headed from a low iron level.

To help her, I raised the ironing board to a more suitable height.

Congratulations, your ears hang as low as an Amish person's.

But can you tie a Mennonite?

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

Anyone wanna buy a Delorean?

It has super low milage
I only drive it from time to time!

What did the police say to the low powered robot ?

"I'm gonna charge you with battery"

Reasons the idiot couldn't kill himself.

He couldn't find the tailpipe on his Tesla.

He jumped in front of a model train.

The bullets wouldn't fit in the squirt gun.

He overdosed on placebo pills.

He jumped off a low bridge.

He stuck a plastic fork in an outlet.

He doused himself in diesel and trie...

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West Virginia Pregnancy Rate Hits All Time Low as COVID-19 Puts Stop to Family Reunions

Not the Onion

What do Donald Trump, Lowes, and Home Depot have in common?

>!All three are severely short-handed.!<

So Hawaii recently made a new law in regards to noise and the increase of noise complaints due to an uprising in loud laughter.

They now have to use a low ha

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

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An new, environmentally-conscious farmer starts using manure in place of fertilizer on his crops.

He gets the manure from his own cows, and within weeks notices a significant change with his wheat and other grains. They begin to flourish like he's never seen before, and he quickly begins heavily using this alternative method. The blossoming crops attract the attention of a agriculture company ne...

A mathematician is going through security check at an airport

When it’s his turn one officer suddenly starts jumping around exited and yells: “There is a bomb in this man luggage!” The mathematician is immediately arrested, searched and confined in a separate room. A while later authorities come in and ask him what the hell he was thinking, to which the mathem...

My activist friend was extremely sad after the recent news that recycling rates were at an all time low

Until I showed her r/jokes

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