UPJOKE
taxationtarifflevychargeunited statesdeductibleincome taxassessindirect taxsurtaxtaxpayerexciseprogressive taxinheritance taxstamp duty

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

Super Serious Tax Question

How long do leftovers have to be in your fridge before you can claim them as dependants?

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

Since it's tax time and all...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m no...

I recently got accused of committing tax fraud but I have no idea why

I don’t even pay taxes!

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion

Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing free food and a roommate

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

Don't get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office

The devil takes many forms.

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return;

it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Did ya hear about the yoga instructor who got sentenced to 5 years for tax evasion?

“I can do that time standing on my head” he said.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

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The tax return

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.
<...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

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Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

Women are like taxes.

I don’t do them.

So much tax evasion in America...

Almost like the country was founded on it or something

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

What did the paranoid clown say to his tax attorney?

Find anything funny?

What's the difference between Batman and Donald Trump's tax?

People saw Batman Returns.

Where do you pay the dog tax?

Internal Ruffenue Service.

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

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An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

Tax vs. Fine

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax?

Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.

Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

How do you teach your kids about taxes?

Eat 35 % of their pizza

America's new tax plan raises taxes on coal miners

Which is weird. I thought American politicians were rather fond of minors.

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

The IRS feels bad for you so lets you have a chance at getting your tax money back

2 of them put it in a ball and play keepaway

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

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Tax Man (long)

One morning, a man got a call from the IRS.

IRS Agent: "Mr. Smith, we have noticed some large discrepancies on your account. We would like for you to come down to our office so that we can clear this issue up."

Mr Smith: "Gee, that sounds like a big deal. Should I bring a lawyer?"
...

Tax inspector: You should pay your tax with a smile.

Tax Payer: I have tried several times, but every time they insist on cash.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

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The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teac...

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A preist, a paedophile, a tax evader and a rapist walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

The US President says "We're gonna tax your country an extra 25%"...

so China responds, "Yuanna fight?

Why do accountants hate pre-tax income?

It's gross.

I was going to do my taxes today,

but I gave up though, because I just couldn’t get Intuit.

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[Adult] An accountant is sent to prison for tax fraud...

As soon as he is escorted to his cell he is confronted by his new cellmate - 6'3" tall, 280 lbs of muscles... the skinny little accountant realizes all of his fears have come true. His new cellmate towers over him and says "Looks like you and me are gonna be here a long time... wouldn't you agree, b...

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So... What does the tax man/IRS and a duck have in common?

They can both stick their bills up their arseholes.

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

What is Father Christmas's tax status?

Elf-employed.

I’d tell you some tax jokes.

But I doubt you’d depreciate it.

How much tax does Bruce Willis pay on a dollar?

Six cents.

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

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An Accountant goes to prison for tax fraud...

...on his first night in the joint, his cellmate, a six foot lifer with tatts on 90% of his body, says "whadda wanna be, the mummy or the daddy?"
Although he was scared out of his mind, the accountant still weighed up the odds of the outcome of his answer and said "I think I'll be the daddy."
...

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

Why doesn't Big Oil pay taxes?

Because they have a Shell corporation.

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The Republican Tax Bill Changes the Child Tax Credit and the Estate Tax

So I'll be fucked coming and going

Why didn't Monica Lewinsky get a tax return in 1995?

Clinton was paying her under the table.

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What's the difference between your penis and your tax return?

She'll blow your tax return

I never use TurboTax to file my taxes.

I'm just not Intuit.

Don MacLean lobbied for GM to be included in a carmaker tax

He wanted to bring Chevy to the levy

Why are American Tax forms so annoying to complete?

I guess the IRS isn't INTUIT

Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns

She just accidentally deleted them.

All states should legalize marijuana and redirect the resulting tax revenues to road repair

We'll call the program "Operation Pot Holes."

What tax filing service does a pirate use?

H&ARGH Block

When the carbon tax comes into effect, fragrance manufacturers will be upset..

..they will be paying per fume.

The Tax Office

The Tax Office suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him.

AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Tom, my first-mate, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $4...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

I paid more tax than amazon

That’s it

At this point I feel that there's probably nothing self-incriminating in his tax returns.

Or else Donald J. Trump or Junior would have tweeted it out to the public.

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If you elected me president, I would implement a masturbation tax...

Talk about saving the economy single-handedly.

The German tax evader in Switzerland

A German wants to bring his untaxed savings to a number account in Switzerland.

He sneaks into the bank, looks around and whispers to the bank assistant:
"Psst! I've got 2 million euros in my suitcase!"

The bank assistant replies in a normal voice:
"Why do you try to be so unsusp...

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What have an Ostrich, a Pelican, and the tax man got in common?

They can all stick their bills up their arse.

(Credit: Billy Connolly)

Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

Got a letter from the tax office saying my tax was outstanding.

Which was a nice surprise, because I don't even remember doing it.

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

Did you hear about Trump's tax plan?

Declare that the US has a $900 million loss so we all don't have to pay taxes!

What was Trump's reaction to the petition for him to release his tax returns

Not my precedent

I received my tax return for 2016 back from the IRS

They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.

I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food stamps, 2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 53...

Did you hear about the Barcelona football star who got busted for tax evasion?

They said his tax returns were Messi.

I found out my vacation to Greece is tax deductible

Apparently it falls under charity work

After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.

The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'

In all fairness, Trump can't release his tax returns

At least not until Putin sends him his W2s.

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