Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

I just heard that atheists are trying to get tax exempt status.

They are a non-prophet organisation.

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

Friend told me to stop filing taxes and go watch anime with him

but this isn't even my final form.

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

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An Accountant goes to prison for tax fraud...

...on his first night in the joint, his cellmate, a six foot lifer with tatts on 90% of his body, says "whadda wanna be, the mummy or the daddy?"
Although he was scared out of his mind, the accountant still weighed up the odds of the outcome of his answer and said "I think I'll be the daddy."
...

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

A hooker is preparing her taxes...

comes across a field where she is to specify her job details.

Occupation: Contractor

Details: demolition of temporary erections

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If being sexy was a crime

I’d be in jail for tax fraud

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you, sir?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the ma...

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

A man enters a shop with a spooky shopkshopkeeper Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price... Man :Yes I know how shops work Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.... Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price...
Man :Yes I know how shops work
Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay....
Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes?

He’s afraid of the Sea’s Fee.

My wife is into being cuffed.

Apparently, sending her to jail by committing tax fraud on her name wasn't the right thing to do.

What did the pop star say when she learned she owed back taxes?

Lorde.

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A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

My friends confused the way I speak with the money I pay for my minor crimes

But anyway, syntax is sin tax

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Wrote this in r/videos. It made me laugh. Who Want To Be A Millionaire America version.

WWTBAM person: "Oh, you won a million dollars? Let me just get that for you."

Winner: "Thanks."

WWTBAM person: "Ok. First we take a tax cut of 25%."

Winner: "Wait, what?"

WWTBAM person: "Next we're going to seperate it into 20."

Winner: "Hold on a second, what are ...

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A bust of Lenin

A jew was leaving Russia in order to return to his home country, Israel. At the Russian customs' table, the officials found a bust of Vladimir Lenin. They asked:

\-What is this?

The jew replied:

\- What kind of question is that? You should have asked "Who is this?". It is Lenin,...

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

If your phone still only has one back camera

then you shouldn't be worried about Biden's tax plans

It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

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How will the government pay for its plan for free college education for all strippers?

A pole tax

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Joke about cursed shop

Me: Oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!

Spooky shopkeeper: Yes, but I will warn you... every item comes with a price...

Me:Yes, I know how shops work.

Spooky shopkeeper: The price will be more than you expect to pay!!

Me:Yes, I know how taxes work.

S...

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,

Try not paying your taxes.

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

Americans really get angry about politicians not paying taxes...

but they forget that their country is independent because some politicians didn't want to pay taxes.

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...

...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

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I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

Just taught my kids about taxes

by eating 38% of their ice cream.

Communism is like tax evasion

At first it seems great, but at the end of the day you‘re going to have government agents knocking at your door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're god damn right I'm xenophobic!

They're always causing problems, they kill people indiscriminately and I don't know what's worse, the acid blood or their little mouth in a mouth thing. Xenomorphs can just dick right off, and I'd bet they don't pay their taxes.


Sorry this joke has been in my head for like 3 days.

Where do actors that don't pay taxes perform?

in the audit-orium

Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing?

Walking the course is far too taxing on him.

A man is arrested after nearly being hit by a taxi

He was charged with tax-evasion

Taxes are like antibacterial gel.

They only effective against the 99%

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life and my taxes fall in the same category.

Married, but filing separately.

A teen walks into a pharmacy

He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”

The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”

The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”

The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”

“Wh...

I was on board with Trump for the groping, the concentration camps, Kim Jong-Un, the trade war, the millionaire tax cut...

But he really needs to watch his language

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

A citizen was cited for a tax investigation in the IRS.

Frightened, he asked his accountant how to dress.


-"Use rags, they'll think you're a beggar," the accountant replied.

When he asked his lawyer, he told him the exact opposite:

-'Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and most elegant tie'


Confused, t...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Young Guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms for the first time.

The cashier said "That will be 5.99 plus tax".

The young guy says "Tacks!!! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!!!"

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question...

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day, thousands of people come into this country and begin draining our resources. They don’t pay taxes, have no skills, and not even a basic grasp of our language.

Babies are fucking useless

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A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates

St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heav...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tax Poem

Tax his land, tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat.
Tax his ties, tax his shirts,
Tax his work, tax his dirt.

Tax his chew, tax his smoke,
Teac...

My dyslexic dad got a letter in the post saying he's been dodging taxes.

After reading it he said: "But I never take a cab anywhere."

Tax vs. Fine

A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing something right.

I was at Walmart at this lady was crying because she lost her tax money and couldn't buy for her kids. I gave her $200....

...since I had just found $3,000 in the parking lot and I felt that if God has blessed me I should bless someone else.

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Every German citizen contributes to their country through taxes...

So I guess Germany runs on krautfunding.

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

What do you call people who live off other people's taxes on an estate?

The Royal Family

The US President says "We're gonna tax your country an extra 25%"...

so China responds, "Yuanna fight?

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

Only 10% of Americans file their taxes correctly.

It's hard to believe that 95% of us can't do simple math.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taxes are like necrophelia

You’re already dead but you’re fucked anyway

I paid more tax than amazon

That’s it

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