Pharmacist: May I help you, sir?

Customer: Yes... I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I'm going out on a date tonight and, you know, I need some...

Pharmacist: Protection?

Customer: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium or large?

Customer: Uhhhh... Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that'l...

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders--such as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

*Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."*

*"Yes," answered the Rabbi.*

*"Well, Rabbi,...

How can you donate money to Taliban?

Just pay your taxes in United States

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

Funny Quote

Funny Quote
I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile.
I tried – but they wanted cash. -

- ..

What’s the difference between taxes and Texas?

At no point have my taxes ever been frozen.

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

Soviet financial inspector visits a synagogue

Soviet financial inspector visits synagogue with a mission to prove that local Jewish community hides some profits from tax authorities.

As he looks through the books and find nothing suspicious - an idea comes to his mind.

He asks rabbi:

\- Rabbi, soviet authorities sent you 10...

Organised Religion and Mafias have a lot in common...

Both have their respective clubhouses and neither pay taxes

The IRS agent’s wife left him...

She said their relationship was too taxing for her.

[Long] A Russian Jew...

...is migrating to Israel after much paperwork and waiting.

At Moscow airport, customs found a statue of Lenin in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked: who is he? This is the most respected Comrade Leni...

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

German taxes really are...

The wurst

Did you hear about the chiropractor who got in trouble with the IRS?

It was for back taxes.

I don't know why people bad mouth lotteries.

I pay taxes and odds of winning the lottery are way better than the odds of getting good government.

PM Boris Johnson plans to put a special tax on gum

I think thats a little Extra

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian Jew decides to emigrate to Israel

At Moscow airport the customs officials stop him when they find a statue of Lenin in his luggage and ask what it is.

He replies, "I think you meant "Who is this?" This my friend, is Comrade Lenin, who laid the foundations of socialism and allowed Russia to prosper. I take a statue of him wit...

I hate doing my taxes

I'm just not Intuit

Customer: One box of condoms, please.

Pharmacist: That will be $9.99 plus tax

Customer: Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Don’t know why used car salesmen get such a bad rap.

Mine knocked 20 bucks off the muffler tax just because he liked my face!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restauran

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success._*

*_The boy begins to turn blue. The desperate mother starts screaming for help._*

*_A man gets...

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

If everyone stopped paying taxes...

The government couldn't afford to do anything about it.....

THE SCOTTISH BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
*"May I help you sir?"* she asked.


The man replied,  *"I want to see Suzy."*


*"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies ...

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

Netherlands work ( personal experience )

So, English is not my first language, it's my third. I moved to Netherlands some time ago and I got my first job. Apparently people here are nice? And they also pay their taxes? Did you guys know that? Anyway, the manager of the factory I worked in approached me to say ''hello'' and introduce himsel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

A man crosses the border each morning on a donkey...

...and each day, his donkey is loaded with only bags of straw. When he reaches the bridge marking the border, the tax collectors search his bags to calculate what duty he must pay on his exports. Every day, they find nothing. And yet, in the evening, after their shift has finished and they are in th...

If your phone still only has one back camera

then you shouldn't be worried about Biden's tax plans

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive,

Try not paying your taxes.

I just heard that atheists are trying to get tax exempt status.

They are a non-prophet organisation.

School days...

Teacher: If income tax is 20% and your dad earns $50,000, how much tax does he pay?

Kid: $100

Teacher: Let's try again. If income tax is 30% and your dad earns $100000, how much does he pay?

Kid: $100

Teacher: Alright, last try. If income tax is %50 and your dad earns $10...

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

Buying my first box of condoms

A young man buys his first pack of condoms for $10. The clerk says “that’ll be $10.60.” The boy says “I only have $10. What’s the extra 60 cents for?” The clerk says “That’s for the tax on ‘em.” The boy says, “Ooh. I thought they stayed on by themselves.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Prison vs. At Work

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... You get time off for good be...

How many Republican does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve to investigate Obama’s involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the lightbulb industry and 51 to pass a tax credit for lightbulb changes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrote this in r/videos. It made me laugh. Who Want To Be A Millionaire America version.

WWTBAM person: "Oh, you won a million dollars? Let me just get that for you."

Winner: "Thanks."

WWTBAM person: "Ok. First we take a tax cut of 25%."

Winner: "Wait, what?"

WWTBAM person: "Next we're going to seperate it into 20."

Winner: "Hold on a second, what are ...

My wife is into being cuffed.

Apparently, sending her to jail by committing tax fraud on her name wasn't the right thing to do.

There are three certainties in life:

Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump walks into a Catholic church.

He turns to the altar boy and asks

“where’s that box where I proclaim all the fucked up shit I’ve done lately”

The altar boy, stunned to see the president in his church, directs Trump to the confession box. Trump steps inside and the altar boy realizes the priest is nowhere to be found...

Why is Donald Trump actually angry about the election outcome?

It's a loss he **can't** write off on his tax returns.

Peter sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more than a whisper. "Pete darling," she breathed, "I've a confession to make before I go... I... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe. I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Alex.

And it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income tax evasion to the government." "Don't give it a second thought, sweetheart. Who do you think gave you the poison?" answered Peter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on my phone reading the news waiting in the supermarket checkout line. A dude came up and asked me, “what’s in the news tonight?”

Me: “Man who pays no taxes returns to government provided housing after receiving free medical treatment from taxpayer funded healthcare.”

Dude: “sounds like some libtard bullshit.”

Me: “Yeah, here is another - Husband of immigrant woman ignores government health guidelines and possibl...

A hooker got arrested by the IRS after some grammatical mistakes made them take a second look at her deductions.

She got done in by a sin tax error.

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

Why does Trump always use a golf cart when golfing?

Walking the course is far too taxing on him.

Grade school was strange...

...they have drills for mass shootings but don’t teach you how to do your taxes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're god damn right I'm xenophobic!

They're always causing problems, they kill people indiscriminately and I don't know what's worse, the acid blood or their little mouth in a mouth thing. Xenomorphs can just dick right off, and I'd bet they don't pay their taxes.


Sorry this joke has been in my head for like 3 days.

Every month I donate money to a children's charity.

Although the technical term is "government tax".

A man enters a shop with a spooky shopkshopkeeper Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price... Man :Yes I know how shops work Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay.... Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

Spooky shopkeeper: You may take whatever you like,but beware,everything comes with a price...
Man :Yes I know how shops work
Spooky shopkeeper: The price may be more than you expect to pay....
Man:Yes I know how taxes work too

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

A hooker is preparing her taxes...

comes across a field where she is to specify her job details.

Occupation: Contractor

Details: demolition of temporary erections

A man is arrested after nearly being hit by a taxi

He was charged with tax-evasion

Young Guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms for the first time.

The cashier said "That will be 5.99 plus tax".

The young guy says "Tacks!!! I thought these things stayed on by themselves!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney called 14 of his closest friends and said “Hey, mark Sept 27th, 2013, on your calendar. Everyone’s going to come to my house for dinner.”

The 14 friends belonged to varying economic backgrounds. One of them was married to Cindy Crawford while another was riding his bicycle on h...

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes?

He’s afraid of the Sea’s Fee.

Why shouldn’t atheists pay taxes?

They are not for prophets

I went to pick up my tax forms and HOA application

Turns out that's not what they sell at the Adult Store at all.

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unen...

In the year 2045 Elon is tired of importing ice-cream from Earth to the Martian colonies.

The next day he puts a group of dairy cows on a rocket to Mars.

But inter-planetary customs officers make him hold the rocket in orbit while they inspect the cows. Earth leaders don't want to lose the tax revenue from exporting ice-cream and are looking for a reason to reposes his cattle. ...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

A teen walks into a pharmacy

He walks up to the register and asks the cashier, “How much are condoms?”

The cashier smirks at the boy and replies, “$5”

The boy is visibly relieved and says, “okay! I’ll take them!”

The cashier scans the box and hands them to the boys and says, “That will be $5.40”

“Wh...

The wages of sin are death...

But after taxes, it’s just a tired feeling.

Apparently Darth Vader has a right-wing billionaire cousin

His name is Tax E. Vader

It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Accountant goes to prison for tax fraud...

...on his first night in the joint, his cellmate, a six foot lifer with tatts on 90% of his body, says "whadda wanna be, the mummy or the daddy?"
Although he was scared out of his mind, the accountant still weighed up the odds of the outcome of his answer and said "I think I'll be the daddy."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three paddys

A newly deceased Englishman, stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. The Englishman, decides ...

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

So this is how it ends, huh...

I was arrested for speaking out of line.
I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by ...

Why do rich people like golf?

It’s not very taxing.

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

If you ever think no one notices you...

Just stop paying your taxes.

A nervous kid brings condoms to the counter for the first time.

The clerk says, "That'll be $4.29 with tax."

The kid looks startled and says, "Is *that* how you keep them on?"

Apparently you have to pay extra for candy these days

They call it the Tic Tax

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

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