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Tax Jokes

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years...

...but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.

Women are like taxes.

I don’t do them.

What's the difference between death and taxes?

Congress doesn't meet every year to make death worse.

I’m glad that I learned about parallelograms in HS math instead of how to do my tax return.

It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

I was going to do my taxes today,

but I gave up though, because I just couldn’t get Intuit.

Super Serious Tax Question

How long do leftovers have to be in your fridge before you can claim them as dependants?

Trying to date women is a lot like paying taxes in the U.S.

they both know what needs to be done and *could* tell you but instead you're the one who needs to figure it out

Why doesn't Big Oil pay taxes?

Because they have a Shell corporation.

A Taxing Situation

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

*As published in "Reader's Digest" 78 years ago.*

I keep hearing my accountant's disembodied voice wanting to check the last 5 years of my tax returns.

I think I'm having auditory hallucinations.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

What's the difference between Taxes and Texas?

Taxes can keep your electrical grid operational.

I saw a lady in tears at the store. She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her $100 because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot. #payitforward

Robert Palmer was arrested for tax evasion

Apparently "she's so fine there's no telling where the money went" isn't a valid defence

Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health?

Because it's soda pressing.

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

A teen boy goes into a pharmacy and, somewhat embarrassed, asks the pharmacist how much a pack of condoms cost.

The pharmacist said a three pack was four-ninety-nine.

So the teen takes a five dollar bill from his wallet and puts it on the counter.

The pharmacist said "that'll be five dollars and thirty-five cents."

"But you said it was four-ninety-nine!"

"There's also tax."

...

A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud.

Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."

Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."

If death could collect taxes, what would it be called?

The death toll.

I've got a great idea for tax evasion

Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing free food and a roommate

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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

What do you call a Sith Lord who doesn’t pay his taxes?

Darth Evader

Don't get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office

The devil takes many forms.

little johnny finally got to the third date....

and knowing the reputation of the girl he was seeing, knew that he would "get lucky" on this one... so off to the drug store he goes to get a condom.
"i got a hot date tonight and i need a condom!" he tells the employee there, who hands it over almost immediately...
"that'll be a dollar,...

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return;

it's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

What is the difference between government taxes and your wife's?

Five years on, the taxes will still suck you.

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee...

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee, and he sits down to order a couple beers.

The bartender notices something *off* about him, and he goes to the man after he's done with his first two beers and asks, "You're not from around here, ain't cha?".

The man goes "Nah, I...

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

If you go to jail for tax evasion....

....aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.

People who cheat on their taxes disgust me

This is not the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

A man needed to prepare for a date so he went to a local pharmacy

After finding the condom section, he selected a box and went to the register.

The cashier scanned the box and stated "OK, that'll be $7.68 including tax."

At this, the man blinked and said "Tax? I thought these things stayed on by themselves!"

There’s 5 seasons that exists

Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring, and Tax Season

I don't think the new AI is all that great.

I asked ChatGPT to do my taxes in the style of Ernest Hemingway.
And it replied, "For Free: Four Quarterly Tax Payment Vouchers, never used."

That is really not helpful, at all.

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now

they are a non-prophet organization

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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit.

While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”

“Good question,” noted the CEO. “We save them up and send them back to...

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

Soviet joke: a family is watching the evening news when the announcer says taxes on vodka will be going up.

“This means there will be some major changes for our family, comrades,” says the man.

“You mean you will be drinking less?” asks his son.

“Nyet,” says the father. “You will all be eating less.”

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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re-phrase that."

The woman sa...

What did the paranoid clown say to his tax attorney?

Find anything funny?

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A redditor is being investigated for tax fraud

So he goes to the IRS bar at the bank with his attorney little Johnny.

The tax bartender asks him "you have no marketable skills, how do you make so much money?"

The redditor responds "I tell jokes, want to hear one? If you guess the punch line I'll pay you $69, if not you'll owe me $...

What's the difference between Batman and Donald Trump's tax?

People saw Batman Returns.

Most people will say there are two certainties in life; deaths and taxes. But I found another certainty.

Eye floaties.

I have a civil service joke to tell

…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they’ll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an app...

Every year on April 15…

…the IRS pays its taxes to Chuck Norris

They are going to start taxing hitchhikers

They call it the thumbtax

I was woken up by a phone call telling me I’ve committed tax fraud

They must have had the wrong number cause I don’t pay taxes

Where do you pay the dog tax?

Internal Ruffenue Service.

So I decided to get drunk last night and do my taxes

I’m getting back $4,000,000.

Tax time at the Synagogue...

The Internal Revenue sends their auditor to audit a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question...

Did you know that Athiest organizations are tax exempted?

Its because they're non-prophet organizations.

In class, my statistics teacher said, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math."

I shrugged and said, "Hell, anybody can win the lottery."

My statistics teacher smirked, folded his arms and asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?"

I said, "Yep. 100%. A person always wins."

Don't forget to pay your taxes this year....

.....other countries and politicians are depending on you.

The king asks his tax collector

"How much have we collected in taxes this quarter"

The tax collector replies "im afraid our villages were raided by bandits m'lord, the villages have had to pay thier taxes in chickens"

With an outward sigh of mild irritation the king speaks "well man how many chickens did you manage t...

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A guy goes to prison

A guy goes to prison for tax evasion and fraud. When he arrives at his cell, he finds that his cellmate is this huge, mean-looking dude. The new guy nervously smiles at his new cellmate and looks around awkwardly.

The big dude then says “You wanna play mamas and papas?”

“Errrmmm…. no ...

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The chicken farmer

A chicken farmer is visited by an official looking person one day. The farmer has no clue who the visitor is. The visitor asks "What do you feed your chicken?"

The honest and innocent farmer says "they just pick worms in the fields and eat whatever seeds and grains and crap they can get hold ...

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

Why are Sherlock Holmes' taxes so low?

He's a master of deduction.

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

Donald Trump is introducing a 30% tax on shredded cheese.

It's part of his plan to Make America Grate Again.

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse.

The other 35% were women."

I’m selling a broken marionette. There is no shipping fee, no taxes, or any extra cost.

There are no strings attached.

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

If everyone stopped paying taxes...

The government couldn't afford to do anything about it.....

Paying tax is like smoking crack

I can quit any time I want

Since it's tax time and all...

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m no...

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

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Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

German taxes really are...

The wurst

Guy walks into a store to buy condoms.

Grabs a pack and asks the clerk "How much are these?"



Clerk says, "$4.50 plus tax."



Guy says, "Tacks? Don't they stay on by themselves?"

A black guy was pulled over in his Mercedes by the police. It was found that it was his, it was taxed and insured...

He had no drugs on him and no weapons were found in the car. The car was NOT linked to any drive by shootings or any drive off petrol thefts.

In the end they arrested him for "wasting police time".

Why don't Atheist churches have to pay taxes?

Because they're a non-prophet organization

What happens when a shrink doesn't pay taxes?

Tax freud

It is said that there are 2 constants, taxes and death. but with coming technology it may be possible to remove one!

That's right, Death!

How do dairy farms do their taxes?

Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

Did you know that you don't pay taxes on flatbreads if they have a picture of Mohammed on it?

That's because naan-prophets are tax-exempt.

How do you cheat on your wife with an adult actress and commit tax fraud without consequences?

Win the Republican nomination.

Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

Tax? A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into
a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.
"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.
"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde.
"It says one dollar right here on the packaging."
"Tax," replies the clerk.
"Gee", says the blo...

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An attorney goes to jail for tax evasion

he his extremely scared and doesn't talk to anyone, he ends up getting a large black man as his cellmate. The black man notices the attorney is scared and strikes up a conversation

"First time?" the black man spoke.

The attorney nodded his head.

"I know how to cheer you up."
...

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

Have you heard about the tax on balloons?

They are taxing them to new heights!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated or illegal

Feel free to go fuck yourself

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The local synagogue is having their taxes audited...

The IRS agent goes through the audit normally, and finds nothing wrong with the synagogue's taxes. Eager to find something amiss, he looks around and sees the candles burning. "Rabbi Rabinowitz," he begins, "what do you do with the drippings from the candles you burn?"
The Rabbi quickly repli...

What's the difference between taxes and my uncle

At least my uncle takes me out to dinner

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

I asked my Republican friend if he though Amazon should pay taxes

He said "Of course, they're not a church"

"Nothing is certain but death and taxes"

Unless you're Trump apparently

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An Accountant goes to prison for tax fraud...

...on his first night in the joint, his cellmate, a six foot lifer with tatts on 90% of his body, says "whadda wanna be, the mummy or the daddy?"
Although he was scared out of his mind, the accountant still weighed up the odds of the outcome of his answer and said "I think I'll be the daddy."
...

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