What instrument do musically-inclined scientists play?

The Higgs-Bassoon.

What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?

Screwed

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The only time I've been mechanically inclined

Is when I press the recline button on my couch

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

For the musically inclined...

C, E-flat and G go into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat.
F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D co...

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

An infinite number of mathematically inclined cows walk into a bar...

And the bartender says, "close the door! Were you raised in a barn?!"

But the cows keep shuffling in.

Because they don't understand English.

What is Harry Potter's preferred way of getting down an inclined path?

Walking.

.......JK, ROLLING!

If I had to choose between a rope or the inclined set of steps....

I would opt for the latter.

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields

Farmer ike and his churl chester are working the fields when it starts raining. the farmer sais: chester, go to the house and fetch me my wellys, for its starting to rain!

chester heads to the house, and when he enters through the kittchen he sees the farmers wife and daughter perpearing the ...

What do you call a metrically inclined elderly assassin?

A Killograndma.

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the r...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

I wish I was more laid back....

But, I'm not that way inclined.

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

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Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

Did you hear about the man who invented the escalator?

He was mechanically inclined

An ad appeared in the local paper that read "Wanted. Man to mate with an ape, $5,000. Call the zoo"

A less than bright man reads the ad and contacted the zoo. After a few questions, he said he was inclined to proceed with the process with 3 requirements:

1. There will be absolutely no kissing involved.

2. If this union proves fruitful, the children will be raised Catholic.

3. ...

I hate STAIRS, and you should too. You can tell just by looking at them,

They’re inclined to ruin your day.

My friend loves to run uphill.

He always feels inclined to do so.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash.
The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you."
"When I did fool ar...

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"The Best Little Johnny Joke"

My mate told me this, describing it as the best Little Johnny Joke. I'm inclined to agree.

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby
was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's
family was invited over to see the baby...

Wanna hear a physics pun?

If an aircraft always takes off at an angle, doesn't that make it an inclined plane?

A rope walks into a bar

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve your kind 'round 'ere!" and tosses him out.

The rope, really in need of a drink since his main string just left him for a lasso, ties himself in a knot over sorrow, throws himself on the ground, and rolls do...

My wife and kids say I'm lazy because all I do is sit in my lounge chair all day.

I'm half inclined to agree with them.

I used the ramp...

because i felt inclined

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The Date Tree

As some of our biologically-inclined friends on her might know, the date tree is a plant that takes about 90 years to mature and begin producing fruit, meaning the original planter of the tree (realistically) does not get to see the tree bear the fruits of his labor.

One day, a wise old monk ...

An old blind cowboy is making his way to the bar...

Using his cane he feels his way down the street: tap tap tap. He feels his way to the door: tap tap tap. He feels his way inside to the bar: tap tap tap. He feels his way to a stool: tap tap tap.

The gruff old cowboy makes himself comfortable, and upon settling in, asks to the other patrons a...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

What did the ramp say to the man in a wheelchair?

I'm inclined to help you get to where you need to go

I would look more like a mountain..

if I were so inclined.

A researcher is doing a study about psychology under certain physical conditions...

He had his subjects lay on a table, then tilted the table making either their feet or their head higher. He then asks a series of yes or no propositions and records their responses.

“It seems to me that with feet tilted up, questioners respond more negatively to the questionnaire, but the o...

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The Leprechaun (NSFW)

A guy walks into the bar bathroom and begins to relieve himself at a urinal. Shortly thereafter a short man walks in and does the same in the next urinal over. The taller gentleman catches himself sneaking a peek and notices the short man's penis is exceptionally large. Embarrassed, he apologizes...

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A guy dies and goes to hell... (a bit sexual)

He is greeted by the Devil, "Welcome to Hell, I will show you three rooms and you will have to pick one. You will remain in that room for the next 100 years". The guy, scared shit-less, says "ok". They go to room number one. There is a person tied to a pole screaming in pain while a demon whips his ...

Help me?

Alright, this one isn't a joke, but this is one of my favorite boards to lurk, and I need help. I'm giving a wedding speech tomorrow. I'm the groom. I really only have enough space in the speech for one joke. I want to insert it early in the speech, and have it be a great ice breaker. Nothing overly...

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Three racehorses are in the stable after race day...

The first horse says to the other two "You know something funny, today I was wearing number three in my race and I came third"

The second horse raises his eyebrows (?) and says "Weird, really weird. I was wearing number two today and, would you believe it, I came second in my race".

Th...

The Masquerade Party

Dave and his wife are invited to a masquerade party. However, just before they leave, Dave's wife gets a terrible headache and decides to stay home. When Dave leaves, the wife takes an aspirin and goes to sleep. After a while, she wakes up and realizes that her headache is gone and guesses she would...

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