UPJOKE
carnivorepreycreaturelionscavengerjaguaromnivoreanimalpredatory animalsharkbeastpredatorypiranhasnakeinsect

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What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

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Fun Fact: Did you know 1 out of every 6 people live by a child predator?

Not me though, I live by a 9-year-old kid with a nice ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

The Swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of...

....except for the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

a long fish story

An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the...

what do you call Mark Zuckerberg fighting a crocodile?

Alien VS Predator!

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What do you call a priest that flies

A predator drone.

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

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A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

The swordfish has only one predator to worry about.

The penfish.

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Predators

So, we humans are predators because we have eyes on the front of our face because if they’re on the side then you’re a prey. We also have sexual desires so in theory were all sexual predators.

The only difference is im registered.

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

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There's 30 sexual predators that live near me

So why do we always have to meet at my place?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

How does a mollusk hide from predators?

Clamouflage

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

"Aliens vs Predator" is a good title for a movie...

... about the current situation of USA Immigration.

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

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The other day I was going down on my girlfriend.

And I said jeez you got a big pussy. You got a big pussy.

She asked why did you say that twice...I said I didn’t, that was an echo.

Thanks predator 1.

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Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...

The bartender says: “Hey Father John!”

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

I really love cute night predators

They're adorabowl !

For 65million years the T-rex was the number one predator

Then came Bill Cosby

I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator"

It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!

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When I was a kid, I use to think a "sexual predator" was a horny alien from the movie "predator"

Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes.

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

What does Reddit and Apex have in common?

Predators.

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

How did alien defeat predator?

"Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."

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From Predator 2

"The doctor says, 'I need a semen, stool and urine sample.' I say, 'Gee, doc, I'm in a big hurry, can I just leave my underwear?' "

What is the opposite of a Predator?

a Postdator

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

Why do koi fish always travel in groups of 4?

So the A koi, the B koi, and the C koi can escape, because they know the predator will always go after the D koi.

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

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My teacher is asexual

Predator.

Why did the herbivores keep their young away from the t rex

Because he was a predator

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting?

Alien vs predator

I'm dressing my child as The Preadator for Halloween this year

I'm telling people he's a child predator

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What’s the difference

Between a sexual predator and a corrupt politician working for the corporations....







.........nothing but one is in the White house and the other is trying to take his job.

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If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

A turtle walks into a bar...

A turtle walks into a bar. He sits down and gets ready to order. The bartender goes, "You're looking a little GREEN there friend, need some Ginger Ale?" Everyone started laughing. The turtle confused replied with, "No thanks, I'll just take some whiskey." The bartender gets him his drink and says, "...

I told my family I was going to be on TV tonight

So we gathered in the living room and my wife, son, and young daughter were horrified to see me on “To Catch a Predator ”.

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