UPJOKE
carnivorepreycreaturelionscavengerjaguaromnivoreanimalpredatory animalsharkbeastpredatorypiranhasnakeinsect

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What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

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Fun Fact: Did you know 1 out of every 6 people live by a child predator?

Not me though, I live by a 9-year-old kid with a nice ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

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A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

A catholic priest, a predator and a criminal walk into a bar

He ordered a beer

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A washed up actor, a drug addict, and a sexual predator walk into a bar

Andy Dick finally found one he hasn't been kicked out of.

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Predators

So, we humans are predators because we have eyes on the front of our face because if they’re on the side then you’re a prey. We also have sexual desires so in theory were all sexual predators.

The only difference is im registered.

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

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Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

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When I was a kid, I use to think a "sexual predator" was a horny alien from the movie "predator"

Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes.

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

How does a mollusk hide from predators?

Clamouflage

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

If they really wanted to stop a Predator invasion...

...they would get Chris Hansen to wait for them in the kitchen with a cop pretending to be under age.

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Old joke from the movie Predator

This is an old joke from the movie Predator.

Shane black's character (Hawkins) tells this joke to Sonny Landham's character (Billy)

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."

She ...

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There's 30 sexual predators that live near me

So why do we always have to meet at my place?

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

I really love cute night predators

They're adorabowl !

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

"Aliens vs Predator" is a good title for a movie...

... about the current situation of USA Immigration.

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From Predator 2

"The doctor says, 'I need a semen, stool and urine sample.' I say, 'Gee, doc, I'm in a big hurry, can I just leave my underwear?' "

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Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

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What is the most dangerous predator of all?

Horny humans.

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator"

It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!

For 65million years the T-rex was the number one predator

Then came Bill Cosby

A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...

The bartender says: “Hey Father John!”

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

How did alien defeat predator?

"Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

a long fish story

An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the...

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

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I told my girlfriend I’d like a little pussy. She said “me too...”

“...Mine’s as big as a house”.
Stolen from Predator (1987)

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting?

Alien vs predator

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

Father and son at the zoo...

A boy goes to the zoo with his father. They’re at the Primates section. The father asks the boy, “Do you know what that animal is?” And the boy says “Yeah… a monkey.” The father smiles, “No son… that’s an orangutan! Orangutans are apes!”

Across the park… the father asks the boy, “What animal ...

What does Reddit and Apex have in common?

Predators.

what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

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My teacher is asexual

Predator.

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

The Prodigal Vulture

Several years ago, in a very flat place called Kansas, there were two vultures named Beaksly and his son, Red. Life for these vultures was pretty simple. Wait for a predator or car to plow into an animal, then swoop in and devour the dead body.

However, Red was rapidly approaching what would ...

I'm dressing my child as The Preadator for Halloween this year

I'm telling people he's a child predator

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

Why did the herbivores keep their young away from the t rex

Because he was a predator

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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