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Predator Jokes

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What does a sexual predator do in church?

Prey

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Fun Fact: Did you know 1 out of every 6 people live by a child predator?

Not me though, I live by a 9-year-old kid with a nice ass ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

Why do predators avoid the 100 Acre Wood?

They don't want to eat Pooh.

Can anyone tell me the natural predator for young goats?

When I try to look it up I just get swatted

What does a religious predator do?

It preys.

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

Koi fish are incredibly intelligent, and naturally form groups of four fish, with each having a specialized role.

The group is always led by a “leader fish”, called koi A. The other three fish will follow it everywhere.

Koi B is in charge of hunting for the group, and will report back to them with the location of food.

Koi C is usually a large, aggressive female. She protects the group from thre...

Years ago at a small private zoo..

they had a gorilla that was popular with small town tourists and the local residents.
Unfortunately the gorilla died of old age and the owner offered one of his employees extra pay to put on a gorilla suit in order to fool the crowds while he figured things out.

Surprisingly, it kinda work...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

Squirrels ww

Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church.

The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.

The hardware store humanely trapped the ...

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

What was the court case between an immigrant and a priest called?

Alien v. Predator.

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After discovering that Kevin Spacey is a sexual predator, I would be surprised to see him get any work in the future.

Unless he runs for President of the United States.

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A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

Why do koi fish travel in groups of four?

To protect the group from predators. When attacked, kois A, B, and C will go in one direction. The fourth one is the D koi.

A few years back “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hanson was arrested for $13,000 in bounced checks

I swear, I thought it was $18,000

Interestingly enough, scientists have discovered a fascinating new species of frog, named the “Romulan Pond Frog” that has an amazing way of evading predators.

In the press release, scientists showed footage of the frogs using a special call that appeared to disorient predators, leaving them unable to precisely locate the frogs.

Scientists are calling this special call a "croaking device."

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Did you hear about the recent discovery of a giant, reptile-like predator with hemorrhoids?

It was a Tyrannosaurass.

What sound does an ambulance make when a child predator gets injured?

PE-DO PE-DO PE-DO!

At the box office this weekend Predator took first place and The Nun took second.

Coincidently, that’s how the Catholic Church ranks it’s priorities.

What's the difference between "To Catch a Predator" and Harvey Weinstein?

One stars molesters, while the other molests stars.

why are child predators good people?

they drive slow in the school zone

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

The swordfish has only one predator to worry about.

The penfish.

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

Little known fact- the sword fish has few predators to worry about in the wild... except

for the rarely seen Penfish which is said to be even mightier.

a long fish story

An ichthyology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How are the studies going?" the bartender asks. "Really great. In fact, right now I'm working on my thesis to explain why koi fish always swim in groups of four," the student replies. "Why do they do that?" the bartender asks. "Well, in the...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

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There's 30 sexual predators that live near me

So why do we always have to meet at my place?

When Santa enters a house to give stuff to kids he’s a hero and a amazingly kind man

When I do it I get arrested for “trespassing” and “being a child predator”

How does honeysuckle avoid predators?

Invasive maneuvers.

"Aliens vs Predator" is a good title for a movie...

... about the current situation of USA Immigration.

How does a mollusk hide from predators?

Clamouflage

For 65million years the T-rex was the number one predator

Then came Bill Cosby

A child predator, a con-man, and a priest walk in to a bar...

The bartender says: “Hey Father John!”

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When I was a kid, I use to think a "sexual predator" was a horny alien from the movie "predator"

Turns out my uncle just liked to collect movie costumes.

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Research has shown therapists can easily become the sexual predators.

It's only a matter of space.

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

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How many sexual predators does it take to start a local music scene?

Come to the show and find out. It starts at 8, $10 to get in girls get in free if they show their tits, our bands on at 10 you should definitely check us out we’re really good I’ve been trying to get us a record deal. Anyway you trying to come to my place after this I have a 12 pack of twisted teas ...

I really love cute night predators

They're adorabowl !

I got a bootleg copy of "Alien vs Predator"

It was just some Mexican guy fighting a priest!

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

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Old joke from the movie Predator

This is an old joke from the movie Predator.

Shane black's character (Hawkins) tells this joke to Sonny Landham's character (Billy)

Hawkins: Billy. Billy! The other day, I was going down on my girlfriend, I said to her, "Jeez you got a big pussy. Jeez you got a big pussy."

She ...

This year's presidential election shares the same tagline as the 2004 movie "Alien versus Predator".

"Whoever wins... We lose."

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What do Mike Tyson and Johnny Depp have in common?

They’ve both had predators shit the bed.

I just saw a shocking headline about a man in west New York State that was arrested for bestiality.

"Animal Predator Busted in Buffalo"

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

What do you call a priest that flies

A predator drone.

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From Predator 2

"The doctor says, 'I need a semen, stool and urine sample.' I say, 'Gee, doc, I'm in a big hurry, can I just leave my underwear?' "

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

What do you call a collection of information about oceanic predators?

Sharkives.

How did alien defeat predator?

"Hi, why don't you have a seat right over there please.."

A basketball team is created in Area 51 and for the inaugural match they decide to play against the Vatican.

How do they call the event? Aliens vs Predators

A Vole and the Farmer

A Vole and the Farmer are sitting on a tractor tire after a long day of working. Farmer goes "what in the Sam hell are you so tired over you didn't do a damn thing but just sit around like a field mouse"

Well the vole says "a life of a vole is very hard. We do lots of things such as burrow t...

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A Nashville man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”

The man says, “No problem. I’m from Nashville.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He the...

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

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Two prawns named Christian and Jason are swimming together on a reef

Being near the bottom of the food chain, both are in danger of being eaten and are constantly scared of any larger fish. Christian loves his life despite the odds, but Jason is unhappy. He wishes to no longer be scared. "Wouldn't it be great if we were the top of the food chain?" Jason says, "imagin...

The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.

Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator."

"Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him.

Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!"

"You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said.

Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrat...

What does Reddit and Apex have in common?

Predators.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden:...

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A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” that eat other things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word." The second boy said, "Predator." “Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done." Little Johnny says, "Vibrator." After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says,"That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat a...

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There is no arguing with cowboy logic.

The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the naturalists had a "more humane" solution. What ...

Little Johnny in class

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with the letters 'tor' that also ate things.

The first little boy said, 'Alligator'.

'Very good, Jimmy, that's a big word', said the teacher.

The next little boy said, 'Predator'.

'That's also a very good wor...

Have you heard about the movie where an illegal immigrant hunts down a priest to get vengence?

It's called Alien vs. Predator

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

In the late '80s, NBC's most popular sitcom was the Cosby Show, with ALF not far behind. Knowing what we know now, I guess you could call their weekly ratings battle

Alien vs. Predator.

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If an illegal immigrant got into a fight with a pedophile

Would it be called Alien vs Predator?

what do you call someone who molests child molesters?

An apex predator

What do you call it when a Mexican and a priest are fighting?

Alien vs predator

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

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What’s the difference

Between a sexual predator and a corrupt politician working for the corporations....







.........nothing but one is in the White house and the other is trying to take his job.

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

David Attenborough (Planet Earth Narrator) went to church

He wished to observe the predators up close in their natural habitat.

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My teacher is asexual

Predator.

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

Why did the herbivores keep their young away from the t rex

Because he was a predator

What is Jeffrey Epstein’s favorite killstreak in Call of Duty?

The Predator Missile.

About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

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