UPJOKE
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Enjoy Jokes

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Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

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As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass.

Just wanted to make that clear.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places
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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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I think I enjoy the rodeo position the most

Its where you get your girl down on all fours and mount her from behind then you reach around cup her tits and whisper in her ear.

"Boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters."

then you try and hold onto 30 seconds.

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My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!

Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.

Me: Who?

Wife: My butt cheeks.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.
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I used to really enjoy political jokes...

Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
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Why didn’t Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner?

It was Chewie.
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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

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A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered.

She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to...

Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with?

Asking for a friend.
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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

I don't enjoy music without lyrics.

It just doesn't speak to me.
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What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.
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Which musicians do bisexuals enjoy?

They like Debussy and they like Dedic

Three Things I Enjoy...

Subtle jokes, irony and the Oxford comma.
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Husband: Do you really enjoy making love, or do you just simulate ?

Wife: I do enjoy it, really. Why ?

Husband: Next time you enjoy it I want you to let me know, Ok ?

Wife: I can't. You asked me to never call you when you're in the office.
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Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.

For instance, drilling a large hole is boring, but fastening two pieces of metal together is riveting.
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What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating?

Forbiden fruit
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You can never enjoy a game of Chess against an Australian.

Everytime he checks, you'll think he's won the game.
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I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes

Sometimes he laughs.
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I enjoy doing bicycle tricks.

It's a wheelie good time.
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.
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I was enjoying the most delicious burger at the food court.

A vegetarian looked at my burger and said, "You know, a cow died so you could have that burger."

Mid-bite, I looked at his salad and responded, "Maybe he died because you keep eating all its fucking food!"

a joke i thought of today, hope you enjoy

What's the most dangerous part of any church/chapel?
Pew! Pew! Pew!
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern...

The husband leans over and asks his wife,
“Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.”
“Yes,” she says,
“I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says,
“how about taking a strol...

Really been enjoying the Where’s Waldo audiobook

“Not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo, Waldo, not Waldo, not Waldo…”
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I don’t always enjoy jokes about cocaine.

But some one liners make me snort.
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I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
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I don't really enjoy cocaine.

I just love the way it smells.
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What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?

Oppresso.
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One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesi...
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People always tell blondes blonde jokes but I enjoyed this one

A blonde was speeding in a school zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, ...
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I dont enjoy Andor, but it has nothing to do with Star Wars...

...I'm just not a fan of conjunctions
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My gf enjoys neck kisses.

But for some reason, she hates it when I call myself a neck romancer.
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Why do Instagram influencers enjoy shopping at Walmart so much?

They just can't get enough of the self-checkout.
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[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.
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Four priests decided to enjoy the beautiful weather and went golfing in polo shirts and khakis.

However, their game was not going well, and after a series of terrible shots, the caddy asked, "Are you guys priests?"

"Yes, we are," replied one of the priests, "Why?"

'Because,' said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
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I was enjoying a beautiful steak for dinner with a girl i recently met as she suddenly said "Enjoying your meat? MURDERER!??"

Like can she not bring up the fact that i shot her parents for one meal?
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it's international Talk Like A Pirate Day! enjoy a cross-re-post.

What's a Pirate's favourite letter?

You'd think it'd be r, but a pirate's first love is the C.
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I suspect my daughter might enjoy alphabet pasta...

but I don't want to put words in her mouth.
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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

I quite enjoy blowing air around a room.

In fact, I'm a big fan.
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Why did Mr. New York enjoy putting hats on other men?

He was man-hattin'!
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Over half the population these days enjoy meat substitutes

Or, as they’re also called, dildos

I enjoy painting wildlife.

But the rabbits leave hair on my paint rollers.
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You can use Twitter to keep up to date with Ross Kemp but you might not enjoy other people’s tweets afterwards because…

It’s a hard actor follow
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Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player.

Love means nothing to them.
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A bipolar man was asked why he enjoyed his job working as an elevator operator.

“Because it has its ups and downs”
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As a girl, I really enjoy having my hair short.

Because now the only thing I can let down is my parents.
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My Uncle Jackie turned 80 years young today. He loves telling jokes. Here is one he tells every Thanksgiving, and it gets a huge laugh every time. Enjoy, and Happy birthday Uncle Jackie!

A 75 year old man, his hair is completely white, marries a 22 year old girl and she gets pregnant. Nine months later he is siting in the maternity ward, talking to the nurse.

"Hey! Well how'd I do?"

The nurse says "she had twins!"

"Hehehe! Just goes to show, even if there is ...
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For all baseball fans enjoying the 2022 Fall Classic....

Two friends have loved each other, and attended countless ballgames located all over the world, and enjoyed excellent baseball moments together

Decades passed, and one of the two buddies became terribly ill. It was time for one of the two friends to sleep peacefully for eternity.

The ...

Lots of my friends enjoy going on cruises.

I'm not onboard with that, though.
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Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint.

The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dog!"

I used to work in a bakery, didn't really enjoy it and the pay wasn't great...

I just kneaded the dough


I'm sorry, I'll leave now...
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Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you ...
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An Englishman and a Scotsman are enjoying a night out...

And suddenly the Englishman turns to the Scot and says: "You know, my dear fellow, I do so love the way the Scottish dialect sounds. Would you have any easy pointers in how I could sound more Scottish?"

The Scot agrees and tells him one simple trick. "A'richt noo gang huv a go it oan that gro...

When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.

I’m losing my friends by degrees.
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One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.

One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve.
Adam: Pretty good, I guess.
God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?
Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?
God: So you would enjoy looking at her.
Adam: And why did you mak...
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An atheist was walking through the woods, enjoying the scenery ,

"What majestic trees!"

"What powerful rivers!"

"What beautiful animals!"

Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look . . . and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shou...
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Why are there no psychics who enjoy life

Happy mediums don't exist
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2/3rds of people enjoy affairs

The other 1/3 is pissed off she came home early and caught us

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What do men enjoy most about a blowjob?

The peace and the quiet.

After the accident, the actor enjoyed a bit of time away from work.

His buddy had told him to break a leg, so he did.
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If FemDom is enjoying being dominated by women...

Is wisdom enjoying being dominated by Wizards?
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I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .
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How do you know people enjoy eating clocks?

They're always having seconds.
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Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.

One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."
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There are two types of comedy I enjoy:

Self-Defecating humor, and malaprops.
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I used to enjoy the Snoopy & Charlie Brown comic strips in the Sunday papers, but lately I've been getting a rash after reading them.

I think I've developed an allergy to Peanuts.
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What do you call a mentally deranged, carbon-free transportation enjoying person?

A cycle-path
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Bumble asked me if I enjoyed using their app today.

I said no without hesitation, then continued swiping.
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5 out of 5 people enjoy Russian Roulette.

There was supposed to be a sixth, but he never got back to me about his experience.
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Most people don't enjoy listening to Jimmy Eat World right away

It just takes some time
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Kids of all ages enjoy a good scotch

It's just for a majority of them, the word butter has to be prefixed

Found this, i think you might enjoy, source in comments

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may c...
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God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...
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I really enjoyed that Weather show on Netflix

All 4 seasons of it
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How do poets enjoy nature?

They go on a haiku
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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

The vacation in Thailand

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought ...
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A woman is enjoying herself with her lover and hears keys rattle in the door.

"Hurry," she said, "get into this bag and hide on the balcony. In comes another lover, they get to it and, again she hears tge ratteling of keys. "Get into the bag and hide on the balcony" she says. In comes a third lover. The same thing. Again, keys in the lock and again the lover jumps into a bag ...

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Probably not.
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Spartacus and his wife are enjoying a nice dinner with friends when

Out of nowhere a lion leaps onto the table and swallows his wife whole!

Horrified, his friends shout "Spartacus, your wife was just eaten by a lion! Why didn't you do something?"

Shocked Spartacus says "Do something? I was gladiator."
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Mommy and Daddy rabbit were enjoying a splendid afternoon in the woods.

Suddenly, the sound of hunting dogs shattered their idyllic time together. They ran for their lives. The dogs were relentless. Finally the two terrified bunnies took shelter in a hollow log. The dogs had them trapped. The situation seemed hopeless.
Daddy looked at Mommy and said "Well, we'll ju...
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I didn't enjoy my statics class

...but it had its moments!
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Why do some people not enjoy phone sex?

They have too many hang ups.

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."
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Never trust someone that enjoys a Soviet Parade

There are a lot of red flags.
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An elderly couple is enjoying a lovely breakfast.

The wife sets down her fork and asks her husband "Bill, would you remarry if I were to die?"

Her husband avoided the question "Now Margaret, why would you ruin this lovely morning by bringing up such a macabre topic? I won't discuss it."

Margaret broached the subject several times ove...
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I'm going to an open casket funeral later, and I'm not sure if I'll enjoy it or not...

Remains to be seen.
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Why does a classical music connoisseur enjoy sex more

Because they appreciate Debussy

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."
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A man was enjoying an evening stroll on the beach...

...when he came upon a group of four women building a fire. When they saw him one said, "This is a private ceremony. No men allowed!" The man apologized and turned around and went back the way he came, but curiousity got the best of him.

As soon as he was out of sight he went into the nearby...
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I never enjoyed the term "anal bleaching".

I prefer to call it "changing my ringtone".

I enjoy expensive whiskey the same way I enjoy beautiful women

By watching someone else and living vicariously through their experience in my imagination, even though I know I'll never have either and am likely to die alone and well hydrated, instead of in bed with a gorgeous woman and a hangover.

Just Kidding. The real answer is "With my face hole"
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Like most people I've been enjoying the Olympics...

I noticed that the USA have won 3/3 gold medals in shooting so far. It really goes to show that if you put in the work in school, you really can acheive anything.
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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

What’s a fairly common work duty that everyone seems to hate, but a pimp might enjoy having?

Doing Inventory.
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A group of tourists in Africa where enjoying a guided tour….

A group of tourists in Africa were enjoying a tour of the bush observing the wild life. The guide says to everyone , “Don’t be surprised if you see an elephant wearing sunglasses.”

One of the tourists asks-
“why would an elephant be wearing sunglasses?”

The guide replies- "Well, ...
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I just remembered this joke to leave a comment in r/mariners, and I thought some of you would enjoy it. It was my dad's fave.

A Californian, a Texan, and a Washingtonian are out on a hunting trip, but it's not going well. Three hours, nothing.

The Californian pulls a bottle of wine out of his bag, throws it way up in the air, and shoots it.

"Wha'd you do that for?" asks the Texan. "That was a perfectly good b...
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Wife: Darling, let’s enjoy our weekend this week!

Husband: Sounds good! Let’s meet on Monday.
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Enjoy my heavenly eggs.

I scrambled the hell out of them.
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A priest, one of many in his deeply religious town, decides to skip Mass one Sunday morning to enjoy the day playing golf.

Fortunately for him, as Mass was a rather large gathering, his absence isn't noticed by the other townsfolk.

However, God notices and is determined to exact a punishment. God spends a few minutes pondering his options, before ordering his angels to ensure that the priest gets a hole-in-one on...
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The classic cake day joke. Enjoy

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries,...
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A raw chicken strip dreams of being cooked and enjoyed one day

Until then, it's just a pre-tender.
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A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer.

Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."
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What does a masochistic robot enjoy?

Cog and bolt torture
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I enjoy self-deprecating humour a lot.

I’m just not very good at it.
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Enjoy Your Sunday

Husband: Today is sunday &
I have to enjoy it.
So i bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: why three?

Husband: for u and ur parents.
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Nobody enjoyed the in-flight movie.

It caused 17 walkouts.
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A man was enjoying his breakfast while completing the daily crossword in the newspaper

He asks his wife across the table:
"What is a four letter word for a religious song?"

Wife:
"Hymn"

Man:
"Yeah it's a tricky one"
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This is an old joke but I really enjoy it....

Ted Bundy is walking through the forest with a young woman and the young woman looks back at Ted and says “It’s getting dark and I’m scared.”

Ted replies “You’re scared? I’m the one that has to walk back through here *alone*!
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Why do Flat-Earthers enjoy the quarantine?

They finally get to flatten the curve.
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How do pickles enjoy their day off?

They relish it
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Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....
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I enjoy looking at my poop.

Everytime I go to the bathroom to take a shit, I'd always remember to not flush immediately and look at my poop. I'd look at it's shape and color, and I'd admire every bit of it. I could not live without this process.

Then one time, I accidentally flushed after I pooped. I didn't even had the...

The British anthropologist enjoyed rare tribesmen.

But after seeing his article published in the prestigious Journal of Anthropological Research, he kept the poor man on the coals a little longer, thinking, "Well done, old chap."
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What can I say? I enjoy going to court.

So sue me.
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What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fungal.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I sometimes enjoy jerking off to religious porn but then I usually feel very ashamed....

...and have one of those come to Jesus moments.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...
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The economy in the UK...

... is getting so dire that the elderly aren't getting to enjoy their retirement.

The BBC interviewed 73 year old Charles from Windsor: "despite having a generous government pension, I've had to start working today."
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What do you call a group of Norwegian monarchs who ride motorcycles and enjoy both men and women?

The Bikings.
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My kidnappers enjoyed torturing me

It was days before one of them allowed me to finally drink any water. When he gave me the jug of discolored water, the grin on his face had me terrified to drink it, and I instantly imagined it was full of poison. But I couldn't help myself; I was too thirsty. I drank it all.

Still I couldn't...

What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.
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[NSFW] A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick.

A guy is sunbathing on the beach wearing nothing but a hat over his dick. A woman walks by and says: "If you were a gentleman you would lift your hat", to which the guy replies: "If you were pretty it would lift itself".

^(Note: I know it's not original but thought someone might enjoy it.)

What sort of fact does a Historian and a Painter enjoy?

An ARTY-Fact
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What do you call people who enjoy the band U2?

Pro Bono
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If you want to get in a canoe go ahead. If you want to enjoy the lake without a canoe that's fine too.

I just don't get why row vs wade is so controversial. Can't we all just enjoy the lake together?
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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

How do Hawaiians subtly enjoy a bad joke?

with a low "ha"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Q. What do boobs and Legos have in common?

A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.

Two of my married (to each other) geeky friends enjoy couples-themed cosplay.

Every convention I see them in different outfits. One year it was Doctor McCoy and Nurse Chapel. The next they went as Luke and Leia. Then they went as the 4th Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith.

Well, the lady had a baby after that. The next time I saw them, He was dressed up as Number 6 Patr...
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