How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

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How are belly button rings and centerpieces alike?

Both give you something to look at while eating.

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

How are a divorce in Oklahoma and a tornado alike?

Somebody's going to lose a trailer...

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

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Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

Stormtroopers and dogs are a lot alike

No matter where you're at, they always miss you.

A Chinese kid asks his father, "Dad, why do they say, that all Chinese people look alike ?"

He replies, "I'm not your dad."

How is a bouncy castle and an unvaxxed kid alike

Both stop being fun when a nail touches them

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

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How are eating pussy and driving in the snow alike?

If you're not careful, you might slide into the asshole in front of you.

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

What gives moral guidance to dogs and trees alike?

The barkcode

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A Bear and a Blueberry Walk Into a Strip Club

And they both walk towards the same stripper. After a while, the bear turns over to the blueberry and says, "You know what, Richard, you and I are a lot more alike than we seem." The blueberry says, "How do you figure that, Bob?" and Bob says, "Well, as you can see, we both like our women plump and ...

What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

If animals and owners look alike, which one belongs to nymphos?

The swallow

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How are the mafia and a pussy alike?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus alike?

If you're awake, they're not going to come.

A construction worker sits down in his favourite pub at the end of a long, exhausting week.

He orders a beer and takes a sip in pure bliss. From the corner of his eye he notices a cute little girl, but he pays no mind. All he can think of is the shimmering glass in his hands, filled to the brim with golden ale. As the night progresses, the folk get cheerier and louder each passing minute. ...

I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye

They were dentical twins

Why are Me and China alike?

We both like to delete our history.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

How are Woman and Tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave

My brother and I are exactly alike and we are very competitive at work.

A task that takes me 3 month to complete, my brother, dozen weeks.

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How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

How are C++ and I alike?

Memory leaks everywhere.

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement...

her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"

The daughter shook her head sadly...

"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

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How are women and dog poop alike?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

What's alike about Trump's kids and Syria?

He had awful timing pulling out

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How are car salesmen and rapists alike?

No matter how many times you say no, they're still gonna try to fuck you.

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

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What makes penises and vampires alike?

If you invite them in, you're fucked.

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How is my wife and a condom alike?

Both spend more time in my wallet than on my dick

I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high.

It is only 1 Pence.

How is parsley and pubic hair alike?

You just brush them off to the side and keep eating

How are the Titanic and my socks alike?

They're both full of dead seamen

I find I'm a lot alike the people here.

It must be he*reddit*ary.

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How are ninjas and soft core porn alike?

You never see them coming.

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Prostitutes and slot machines are sorta alike...

They're fun to play with until they take all of your money

What's alike about me and a neutrino?

We are both constantly penetrating your mom

Why are women and noodles alike?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?

Compromise their net and they will literally die.

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

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How are women and airplanes alike?

They both have cock pits.

Mexicans and blacks are a lot alike.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike?

Because you never forget!

How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

how are a silver medalist and a priest alike

They both came in a little behind

How are girls and jokes alike?

They both tend to suck more the more strung-out they get.

Why do all North Koreans look alike?

Because they have a supreme breeder.

Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike

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How is a Buddhist monk and a bumblebee alike?

They are both peaceful, but when pissed off have a tendency to burn.

How are the police and bathrooms alike?

They're both minutes away when seconds count.

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How are dildos and tofu alike?

They're both meat substitutes.

I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest,

the guy who won was some German chap,
the judges gave him perfect neins

How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?

They both like a tight seal.

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How are procrastination and masturbation alike?

At first it's all fun, but in the end you realize you're just screwing yourself.

How's a fart and a teenager alike?

Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.

How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike?

They're both black smiths

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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin...

...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.

Clinton and Pence

You know both sides of the aisle are more alike then you think. Both Clinton and Pence had issues with their flies...

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