UPJOKE
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Alike Jokes

My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn’t my waiter.

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

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How are KFC and women alike?

After the breasts and thighs all you have is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

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Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

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How are boobs and martinis alike?

They’re both good shaken.

Also, I wanted to see whether this joke has been posted before. But I don’t see where the search feature is for r/jokes. Can somebody explain where I can find that?

I know we're all supposed to be tolerant of people from other cultures, but is it too much to ask that Asian waiters learn that all Caucasians don't look alike? My waiter just served my food to some other customer!

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

Great minds think alike

But two idiots seldom differ

Why are no two hand puppets alike?

Because they are hand-made.

OC from my daughter.

How are people and piano keys alike?

When the right ones are together they form accord

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

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How are belly button rings and centerpieces alike?

Both give you something to look at while eating.

How are a cigarette and a hamster alike?

Both are completely harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.

What makes kids and corporations so alike?

They literally can't wait for Christmas.

How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?

It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.




*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*

Why did the brother octopi look so alike?

They were itentacle twins.

How are a woman and a piano alike ?

If their not upright, their Grand .

A Chinese kid approaches his father and asks him: "Daddy, why do they say we all look alike?"

The man replies: "Actually your father is the one over there"

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

How are a divorce in Oklahoma and a tornado alike?

Somebody's going to lose a trailer...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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Aleve pills and viagra look way too much alike.

I keep winding up with two pounding heads instead of one.

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How are the mafia and a pussy alike?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

Why are Me and China alike?

We both like to delete our history.

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

How are Woman and Tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

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Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.

Stormtroopers and dogs are a lot alike

No matter where you're at, they always miss you.

How are Marie Antoinette, Princess Peach, and GLaDOS alike?

They all lie about there being cake.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus alike?

If you're awake, they're not going to come.

What gives moral guidance to dogs and trees alike?

The barkcode

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How are eating pussy and driving in the snow alike?

If you're not careful, you might slide into the asshole in front of you.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

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How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

How are C++ and I alike?

Memory leaks everywhere.

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What makes penises and vampires alike?

If you invite them in, you're fucked.

Why are women and noodles alike?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

What do you call a spaghetti look-alike

An impasta

Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike

How is parsley and pubic hair alike?

You just brush them off to the side and keep eating

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How are car salesmen and rapists alike?

No matter how many times you say no, they're still gonna try to fuck you.

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How are ninjas and soft core porn alike?

You never see them coming.

What's alike about Trump's kids and Syria?

He had awful timing pulling out

What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?

Itenticle

How are yogurt, and a man at a sperm bank alike?

They both come in cups.

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How is my wife and a condom alike?

Both spend more time in my wallet than on my dick

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Prostitutes and slot machines are sorta alike...

They're fun to play with until they take all of your money

How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?

Compromise their net and they will literally die.

What's alike about me and a neutrino?

We are both constantly penetrating your mom

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Me and my friend look terribly alike

Whenever someone ask if we're brother's, I say...

"No we're not, but my dad is a milkman"

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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

I find I'm a lot alike the people here.

It must be he*reddit*ary.

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How are a woman and a piece of dog shit alike?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up

Mexicans and blacks are a lot alike.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

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How are procrastination and masturbation alike?

At first it's all fun, but in the end you realize you're just screwing yourself.

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How are dildos and tofu alike?

They're both meat substitutes.

How are the police and bathrooms alike?

They're both minutes away when seconds count.

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?

They both have ornamental balls.

How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

how are a silver medalist and a priest alike

They both came in a little behind

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How is a Buddhist monk and a bumblebee alike?

They are both peaceful, but when pissed off have a tendency to burn.

I went to a Charlie Chaplin look alike contest,

the guy who won was some German chap,
the judges gave him perfect neins

How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike?

Because you never forget!

How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?

They both like a tight seal.

How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike?

They're both black smiths

I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high.

It is only 1 Pence.

I before E except after C

We feign agreeing, but this foreign poltergeist of a rule is neither efficient nor smart- and therein lies the height of the issue. It's as if an ancient deity has deigned to influence the zeitgeist of the people. We must remove the weight of this veil from their eyes, and forfeit the obeisance of t...

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

Omar Epps moved next to Chris Hemsworth.

Initially they didn't talk much, but after a little time they started having family get-togethers. They became good friends for a while, even going so far as to have little decoration challenges every holiday.

Omar always pulled out all the stops come Christmas, and he seemed to enjoy it so m...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin...

...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.

A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.

Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?

Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.

Police Officer: And?

Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either ...

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