My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer

Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.

How is a bouncy castle and an unvaxxed kid alike

Both stop being fun when a nail touches them

How are LeBron James and Melania Trump alike?

Both made their fortunes playing with orange balls.

How are women and lightbulbs alike?

Both shine light into your life (:

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Why are Jewish delis and therapist's offices alike?

They're both places where beef is cured.

Stormtroopers and dogs are a lot alike

No matter where you're at, they always miss you.

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A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man: "Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?"

"I am not Master Ayumu."

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Satan: Just because me and Santa have similar names doesn’t mean we’re anything alike.

For example, one is a judgmental bastard who punishes you for being bad and the other is the ruler of all hell.

How are Marie Antoinette, Princess Peach, and GLaDOS alike?

They all lie about there being cake.

A Chinese kid asks his father, "Dad, why do they say, that all Chinese people look alike ?"

He replies, "I'm not your dad."

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How are condoms and poop bags alike?

If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.

Most people have heard the phrase "Great minds think alike"

What they don't know is what comes after

"Idiots seldom differ"

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

How are Donald Trump and a jack o' lantern alike?

They're both orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be thrown out the first week of November.

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How are eating pussy and driving in the snow alike?

If you're not careful, you might slide into the asshole in front of you.

Why are demolition experts and dominatrixes alike?

They both like wrecking balls

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How are women's buttholes and 9 volt batteries alike?

You know you shouldn't, but eventually you'll put your tounge on it.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

What gives moral guidance to dogs and trees alike?

The barkcode

If animals and owners look alike, which one belongs to nymphos?

The swallow

What do you call two gingers who look alike?

Dopplegingers.

They had a look-alike contest in China

Everybody won.

What does a school and a Running track have Alike?

If you hear a gunshot, it's time to run.

How are Bill Cosby and Santa Claus alike?

If you're awake, they're not going to come.

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How are the mafia and a pussy alike?

One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

Why are Me and China alike?

We both like to delete our history.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip the flat ones.

I once knew twins who were exactly alike except one was missing an eye

They were dentical twins

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

The take a penny, leave a penny trays in businesses are a great idea that obviously makes things easier for customers and merchants alike by saving time and effort for all.

It's common cents.

How are yogurt, and a man at a sperm bank alike?

They both come in cups.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?

They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you lose your house.

The village of idiots.

There is a village of idiots. Every month the village gathers in the town square, where 3 people from the neighboring town each bring in an object so,the town's folk can guess what it is. It's great fun for the whole town women, men, young and old alike join the festivities. The first person walks t...

I have a doppelganger named Jake and we look so alike that no one who has seen us online can tell us apart except for one big giveaway

The real Jake is always in the comments

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How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

What do you call octopus twins that look exactly alike?

Itenticle

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Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

How are C++ and I alike?

Memory leaks everywhere.

Did you hear about the Quasimodo look alike contest?

The police had to break it up when the crowd turned ugly.

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out

What's alike about Trump's kids and Syria?

He had awful timing pulling out

I heard that Chris Brown entered a Rihanna look-alike competition.

I thought he was insane, but you know what they say. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Two great minds thinking alike is always productive

Except when they are trying to call each other

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How are car salesmen and rapists alike?

No matter how many times you say no, they're still gonna try to fuck you.

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How are a woman and a piece of dog shit alike?

The older they are, the easier they are to pick up

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What makes penises and vampires alike?

If you invite them in, you're fucked.

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How is my wife and a condom alike?

Both spend more time in my wallet than on my dick

I try to reassure everyone I meet, Republican or Democrat alike - the cost of replacing Trump is actually not that high.

It is only 1 Pence.

Clinton and Pence

You know both sides of the aisle are more alike then you think. Both Clinton and Pence had issues with their flies...

I find I'm a lot alike the people here.

It must be he*reddit*ary.

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How's a hurricane an a sexy wife alike?

When both cum they're wet, wild and dangerous...... And when they leave they both take everything with em.

What's alike about me and a neutrino?

We are both constantly penetrating your mom

How is parsley and pubic hair alike?

You just brush them off to the side and keep eating

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Prostitutes and slot machines are sorta alike...

They're fun to play with until they take all of your money

Me and my friend look terribly alike

Whenever someone ask if we're brother's, I say...

"No we're not, but my dad is a milkman"

How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce alike?

Whichever one happens, somebody's going to lose a trailer.

How are millenials and tightrope walkers alike?

Compromise their net and they will literally die.

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How are ninjas and soft core porn alike?

You never see them coming.

Why are women and noodles alike?

They both wriggle when you eat them.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?

They both have ornamental balls.

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Twin jokes

I used to date an identical twin in college. The best part of it was that there were pretty much two of them due to the fact they looked exactly alike. My friends and family would joke and tease me all the time about how I can tell either of them apart. Never mind the beauty of my girlfriend at the ...

The oven and the woman are just alike

Because you have to get them both hot before you stick the meat in.

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How are women and airplanes alike?

They both have cock pits.

Mexicans and blacks are a lot alike.

If you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.

How is learning to ride a bicycle and 9/11 alike?

Because you never forget!

how are a silver medalist and a priest alike

They both came in a little behind

How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

My dad told me this one so i thought i might share

In a zen monastery far inside China, a conflicted discipule has his mind shrouded by a doubt that he's sure his master, Zhi, knows the answer.

He finds him, and asks:

– "Master Zhi, why does everybody say that we, chinese people, all look alike?"

He pauses for a second, looks a...

Enter password: ‘snowflake’

Confirm password: ‘snowflake’

Error, your passwords are not alike

How are the police and bathrooms alike?

They're both minutes away when seconds count.

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How are dildos and tofu alike?

They're both meat substitutes.

So I’m at the dentist yesterday...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday, the dentist has a needle deep in my gums. As he’s concentrating, he casually says, “how are fat chicks and bricks alike?” I was like “au-ha-oa-iea” (his hand still in my mouth) He goes “welp, sooner or later their gonna get laid by a Mexican.”

True story.

Why is a redneck wedding and a tornado alike?

Because either way someone is losing a trailer.

How are a tupperware container and a walrus alike?

They both like a tight seal.

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How are procrastination and masturbation alike?

At first it's all fun, but in the end you realize you're just screwing yourself.

How's a fart and a teenager alike?

Because once you go to sleep, you can't trust either of them to not sneak out.

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My girlfriend got mad at me because I had sex with her twin...

...I told her it wasnt my fault, they look just alike. But she didnt believe me because her hair is a lot longer than his.

How are a sword maker and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air alike?

They're both black smiths

Coffee Shop Talk

Two women were sitting around talking about the men in their life. Once said, "...men are all alike!"

The other said, "...men are all I like too!"

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

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