What’s a pirates favorite element on the periodic table?

Gold. What the hell would they need argon for?

What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

My grandfathers favorite joke: what’s the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

The drug dealer can’t wash the crack and resell it

Who is the chicken's favorite composer?

Bach.

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

What’s a pirates favorite letter?

In best pirate voice “me hart will always belong to the CCCCcccc!!!”

What’s a cats favorite color?

Purrrple!


(Told by my 5yo niece.)

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?

Gravitea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

What is an alcoholics least favorite part of a baseball game?

The bottom of the 5th.

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

What is a kidnapper's favorite shoe?

White Vans

what is a duck's favorite drug?

crack

What's an ambulance driver's favorite gaming system?

Wii U.

What’s a psychiatrists favorite kinda shoes?

Issues.

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

What is Al-Qaeda's favorite sports team?

The New York Jets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked 100 people what they're Favorite shampoo was!

The most common reply was ''How The Fuck Did You Get In Here!?''

My favorite Dad joke, because it’s my cake day.

Why does a chicken coup only have two doors?



Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your ass?

A son walks into his fathers room to find him eating a bad of potato chips. He kindly asks his father if he could have some.

His father replies “well son, can your dick touch your ass?”

The boy seems puzzled and replies with a simple “no?” and his father explains they’re his and the bo...

There was a man lost his favorite hat.

There was a man lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule.

When he got there, an usher saw him walk in, and escorted him directly to a pew. The man was too embarrassed to get up right away, so he sat and listened ...

What’s your favorite phone?

Mine is the galaxy note 7 that phone was the bomb

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

Favorite “i just flew back from jokes”

Example:

I just flew back from Chicago and boy are my arms tired

I just flew back from a transformers convention and buy are my arms tires

Repost of my favorite joke here: Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave ...

What is Mario's favorite drink?

Jager Bob-ombs!

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What was Sydney Poitier's favorite soda?

"MISTER PIBB"

My favorite “And that’s when the fight started” joke!

A drunk man comes home to his wife and stands swayingly before her. She sees that his pants are ripped, his legs are bloody and he has bruises on his knuckles. Odd though, everything above his waist seems perfectly fine.

Wife: Oh no… What’s happened to you this time?

Husband: It was no...

Who is the USMC's favorite Egyptian god?

Ra.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

What's your favorite indie film?

Mine is The Last Crusade

What is Super Mario’s Favorite Type of Clothing?

Denim denim denim

My favorite jokes are the ones about Alzheimer's.

My favorite jokes are the ones about Alzheimer's.

My three favorite things

are eating my family and not using commas

What was king Midas’ favorite pet?

A golden retriever

What's a pirate's favorite part of a birthday party?

Dabloons

What's a skeleton's favorite dinner?

Ribs

What is Gollum's favorite food?

Hot Pocketses

What’s Mitch McConnell’s favorite movie?

Kill Bill.

What's a pothead's favorite musical instrument?

bag pipes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Putin's favorite PornHub category?

MILFs, because he loves fucking Mother Russia

What's Dominic Toretto's favorite 90s sitcom?

Family Matters

What is Homer Simpson's favorite part of a pizza?

The D'oh!



This one occurred to me while I was making pizza today. Yeah, clearly I'm 6...

What's Count Dracula's favorite punctuation?

A period.

What is a dishonest Hebrew’s favorite time of year?

Jew-lie

What is a sprinters favorite breakfast?

Nothing, they fast.

What is a dog’s favorite spy movie?

Mission im-paw-sible

An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive-looking blonde.

They go back to his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while, he climaxes. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?”

After a short pause, she replies, “No.”

Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, ...

What's Palpatine's favorite type of song?

Duet.

I asked Mike Tyson who his favorite actor was and he said Colin Firth

And when I asked him who came after that he said "Colin Thecond".

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

What is James Bond’s favorite pasta…?

Mini Penne

It's my cake day! Here is my favorite joke:

Someone's been adding soil to my garden...


...the plot thickens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a tendency to over-explain things lays on his therapist's couch.

The therapist says “I have a new exercise for you today. Instead of spending an hour talking about your day, try to tell me the essentials of what happened in one breath.”
The patient agrees and takes a deep breath

“So they cast Callie Hernandez as Supergirl and I’m not sure if it was th...

What’s a truckers favorite kind of house?

The ones with the long haul ways!

A Karen’s favorite store

Where do Karens go to shop and to meet other Karens?
A K-Mart

What's everyone's favorite essential oil?

As an American, I've gotta say petroleum

Someone stole my favorite coffee cup right off my desk at work.

Now I have to go down to the police station and look at some mug shots.

What's a drummer's favorite vegetable?

Beats

Today I took my infant son to his favorite fast food place...

"Welcome to Gerber King! May I take your order?"

My favorite book is The Hunchback of Notre-Dame...

I just love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

What’s a cannibal’s favorite smoothie?

A blended family

Since this is the first year that I’ve remembered my cake day, here’s my four year old’s favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat?

You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

What's a Canadians favorite body part?

The Lumber Vertebrae

What is a necromancer's favorite workout?

Dead lifts

The Brit asked his Chinese friend "What's your favorite thing about Communism?" He smiled and said

[redacted]

what is an cannibal octopus' favorite salad

octopus salad. kind of obvious.

What is Captain Hook’s least favorite online trend?

TikTok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a porn addicts favorite browser?

Edge

What's a dog's favorite kind if pizza?

Pupperoni

What is an I.R.A sniper's favorite cheese?

Provo-lone

What's Medusa's favorite cheese?

*Gorgonzola*!



....



OK, I'll show myself out.....

Whats a ships favorite drink?

Anything, as long as its not on the rocks!

A new episode of my favorite Jamaican cooking show just came on...

What-Jamaican

Whats a racecar drivers favorite steak?

SKIRRRRRRRRRT

A joke as told to me verbatim by my 4yo son: What's a Skeleton's favorite instrument to play?

A TromBONE!
Haha, Get it, Daddy? Because skeletons are made out of *BONES!* HA HA HA!

Me: DOOT DOOT!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend said her favorite BTS song was "Dynamite"

I can't believe it's not "Butter".

In honor of the upcoming Olympics: What is a gymnast's favorite spice?

Somersalts

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

What is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s favorite pick-up line?

“Live with me if you want to come.”

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

What's a cannibals favorite earbud brand

Skullcandy

What is a Russians favorite type of poutine?

Vladimir.

What's Kermit's favorite food?

Pork Tacos.

What is a guinea pig's favorite unit of time?

Wheeks.

I'm sorry.

I’ve been a follower of r/jokes for a long time so here are some of my favorite ones:

One, uno, eins, un.

My favorite question on the job interview with millenial is

What do you want to become after the burnout?

What's a Robots favorite animal?

A cowculator.

From my 7 year old.

What's a mobsters favorite game?

Whack a Mole

What's a rodeo clown's favorite type of bar?

A honky tonk!

Where is a stoners favorite place to sit in a resturaunt

In the high chair

What is Earth's favorite pastime?

Making fun of other planets for having no life.

What is a vulture’s favorite song?

Carrion My Wayward Son

What is an old person's favorite flavor of gum?

Retire-Mint


^Thank ^you, ^goodnight

What's prince zukos favorite video game?

Dishonored

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men were discussing their favorite sex styles

Man 1: I usually go doggy style or cowgirl. It’s just the easiest for me.

Man 2: Then you never had it in machinists style. You gotta try that it’s the best.

Man 1: What do you do in the machinist style?

Man 2: Screw, nut and bolt.

[NsFw] What was Lorena Bobbitt's favorite form of mischief?

Ding dong ditch.

One of my favorite jokes

I heard about this senior citizen. He was driving down the freeway in his brand-new Corvette, with the top down, going 80 miles an hour, when he saw flashing red lights from a state trooper in his rearview mirror. Without thinking about it, he floored it, took off to a hundred miles an hour. He hear...

What is Wanda Maximoff's favorite subject?

Division.

What's a washing machine's favorite song?

Twist and Shout

What’s a bee’s favorite haircut?

A buzzcut.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

A: “Arrrrrr”

Me: You’d think so, but it’s the “C” they love.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Beavis and Butthead’s favorite game?

CORNHOLIO

My girlfriend hates it when I don't eat her favorite food...

... and she always gets Jellos.

What is the dairy farmer’s favorite Disney movie?

Moo-ana

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of my favorite sex move called the JFK?

It’s where I explode all over her face and she screams while trying to climb out of the car.

Q: What was Darwin’s favorite Breed of Dog?

A: *The Beagle*

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife's favorite client invited us to his house.

Everyone had a great time but I thought it was strange when I realized he didn't have piano. My wife's a massage therapist and had mentioned that they frequently ended their sessions with entertainment provided by the pianist.

You can tell a lot about an Introvert by his handwriting, posture and favorite movie

About an extrovert, you can tell everything by his constantly non-closing mouth...

What is Zack Snyder's favorite hairstyle?

Director's Cut

What are Dhar Mann's favorite letters of the alphabet?

U C?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My two favorite things are fucking my step sister and not using commas.

I also can't count.

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media?

Tick tock.

Oh man you know what my favorite thing about being Russian is?

Getting to vote in American elections.

What's a Pixar editors favorite metal song?

Down with the Thiccness.

What’s is a ruler’s favorite fetish

Foot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

What is a weeb’s favorite state?

O-ha-yo

What’s a duck’s favorite drug?

Quack

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink o...

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