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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.
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Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.
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How do hearing aid batteries compare to other batteries?

They produce a lower number of whats.
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My brother compared religion to ghosts, which I thought was quite disrespectful.

Ghosts never started a war.
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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...
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Did you hear about this North Korean guy who compared Kim Jong Un to an elephant?

It was a bad joke, but I liked the execution
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Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.
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I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.
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Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."
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I compare my life

I compare my life to my girlfriend, I don't have one.
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My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."
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I asked my horse who sang her favorite version of Nothing Compares 2 U.

She neighed.



(RIP)
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My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Nah, fuck it, I'll just say that you've got crackin' tits!"

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot
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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum
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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

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"Doctor how does my stool sample compare to that of yesterday?"

"Same shit, different day."

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...
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When I compare my wife and my mistress

I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.
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Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.
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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.
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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.
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These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...
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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.
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Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.
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"Mom! Today we compare our willies at school!"

"And you know what? I've got the bigest one!"
"Of course you have, sweetheart! You are a teacher after all."

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

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This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.
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One day 3 kindergartners decided to compare their dicks during recess.

The first two were close in size but the third had a much larger penis. The first two boys quickly decided the third boy didn't count because he was black and "everyone knows black people have large wee-wees."

The black friend was hurt by this and when he went home he told his mom all about ...

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?
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How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...
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I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators
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Why can't fruit be compared?

Apples and oranges cannot be peared.
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I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.
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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

People say you can't compare apples to oranges...

... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though.
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"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society
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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.
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I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.
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What's a small Zippo compared to a big Zippo?

A little lighter.
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It's hard to compare Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles

They are both just so out of sight
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What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.
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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!
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I look a lot better in moonlight as compared to sunlight.

The difference is night and day.
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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures?

A Sven diagram!
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Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.
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Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.
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Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.
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The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...
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My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...
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I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know
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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius
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I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.
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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."
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