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My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs.

It was the original trip advisor.

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling.

She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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My wife and I compared each other's belly buttons to see which one is better.

It was a battle of navel supremacy.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

Ever notice how Washington D.C. rarely has a significant snowfall compared to the surrounding areas?

It must have to do with all the hot air coming from the Capitol/Capital.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...

Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

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"Doctor how does my stool sample compare to that of yesterday?"

"Same shit, different day."

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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Nah, fuck it, I'll just say that you've got crackin' tits!"

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

I compare my life

I compare my life to my girlfriend, I don't have one.

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This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

When I compare my wife and my mistress

I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

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One day 3 kindergartners decided to compare their dicks during recess.

The first two were close in size but the third had a much larger penis. The first two boys quickly decided the third boy didn't count because he was black and "everyone knows black people have large wee-wees."

The black friend was hurt by this and when he went home he told his mom all about ...

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

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I’ve got to say business culture is really different in China compared to the US.

The Chinese invite foreigners to see their wall and bring them shit load of money. Americans pay their wall themselves and tell foreigners to fuck off.

Why can't fruit be compared?

Apples and oranges cannot be peared.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

People say you can't compare apples to oranges...

... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though.

What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures?

A Sven diagram!

Hillary was asked if Weinstein's behavior compared to that of her husband's.

She said "Close, but no cigar."

I hate it when Amy Schumer gets compared to whales

Whales are kind of funny you know

Next time someone compares Trump to Mussolini, remind them of the biggest difference.

Mussolini was well hung.

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

How many black Oscar nominees would it take (compared to white nominees) to satisfy the boycotters?

Three-fifths as many seems like a generous offer.

I'm struggling to think of a name for this new app that compares acid and mushrooms.

Sadly "Tripadvisor" is taken

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