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Just had a message from a random guy asking to meet in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fucking weirdo..

Didn't even show up.

What is it called when the British compare their old coins?

A farthing contest..

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

When I compare my wife and my mistress

I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.

Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."

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This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Nah, fuck it, I'll just say that you've got crackin' tits!"

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.”


Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife w...

I compare my life

I compare my life to my girlfriend, I don't have one.

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

Turns out there is a lot of cross referencing.

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

Psychology

Today I realized I had to go see a psychologist when I compared myself to people in the subway. For instance: Seeing an ugly woman. "That woman is as beautiful as I am sane".

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

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Scientists estimate that there are about 100 billion people that have ever lived.

This implies that humans have had sex at least 100 billion times. However, this is nothing compared to the amount of times I did ur mom last night.

Dawn craved repetition.

It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.

But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.

Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.

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I participated in a joke writing competition on this sub three years ago.

The mods laid out 4 simple rules quite clearly:

1. For the following two days, all posts on this sub would be considered as entries for the competition.

2. The post with the most upvotes would be declared as the winner, i.e., the best joke. The number of upvotes until the end o...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.

An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum. “Spare some loose change?” asks the bum. “And why should I do that?” asks the accountant. Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.

“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Compared with smokers, people who vape seem to be ...

held in more esteam

Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

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Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

Drinking at home compared to drinking at the bar.

Isn't working out.

I nearly asked my wife for her phone number.

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

Bad joke time

Three ladies (previously partying the night before) meet up for brunch and compare just how drunk they were.
Girl 1: I was so drunk last night that I ended up texting my ex-boyfriend professing my undying love.
Girl 2: that’s nothing I barely was able to stumble to my door. Once inside all ...

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An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange

Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.

He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"

The teller say "fluctuations"

The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Am...

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

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Adam sneaks away from Eve to talk to God privately. Adam: "God, why did you make my penis so small?"

God: "Eve has no one to compare you to, it shouldn't matter."

Adam: "Ok. And about the apple, I know you told us we couldn't eat that, but did you tell Eve she can't eat cucumbers either?"

God: "No, why do you ask?"

Adam: "Because she keeps one by the bed, but she never eats it....

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Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

I look a lot better in moonlight as compared to sunlight.

The difference is night and day.

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

What's a small Zippo compared to a big Zippo?

A little lighter.

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One day 3 kindergartners decided to compare their dicks during recess.

The first two were close in size but the third had a much larger penis. The first two boys quickly decided the third boy didn't count because he was black and "everyone knows black people have large wee-wees."

The black friend was hurt by this and when he went home he told his mom all about ...

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

Next time someone compares Trump to Mussolini, remind them of the biggest difference.

Mussolini was well hung.

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...

I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

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