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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Nah, fuck it, I'll just say that you've got crackin' tits!"

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

I compare my life

I compare my life to my girlfriend, I don't have one.

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

Turns out there is a lot of cross referencing.

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

The Amaretto Joke

(Mentioned this in the comments of another joke and seems like no-one knew it by reference so here goes.)

Three best girlfriends meet for lunch after not seeing each other for a while and the topic turns to the latest news in their lives and as it turns out all three of them have started seei...

A guy was admitted to the hospital and he fell in love with the nurse.

She used to take care of him and very nice to him. Always checking up on him and giving him extra attention compared to other patients. Therefore, the guy thought that the nurse was into him as well.

The guy was shy and couldn't ask the nurse out on date. But after he was discharged, he someh...

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

A Frenchman, a Spaniard, an Italian, and an American, were bragging about who was the best lover.

The Frenchman began: "I made love to my wife four times last night, and the next morning she told me I was the greatest lover alive."

The Spaniard follows up: "I made love to my wife six times last night, and the next morning she told me no other man could ever compare to me."

The Ital...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Compared with smokers, people who vape seem to be ...

held in more esteam

Drinking at home compared to drinking at the bar.

Isn't working out.

I nearly asked my wife for her phone number.

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

Latin

Two undertakers went to see Pincus the tailor to get new suits.

The older one said, “We are undertakers. We need the blackest black you have. The last ones you sold us were a little gray.”

Pincus said, “I can make you suits from the same fabric the nuns use for their habits. There’s no...

Three boys are complaining about their fathers...

Boy 1: My father is stingy! On my birthday, he only prepared three types of food!

Boy 2: My father is stingier. He only prepared two types of food for my birthday.

Boy 3: Your fathers are big spenders compared to mine. My father made sure I have five types of food for my birthday.
<...

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This guy just messaged me.

He said he wanted to meet me in the woods to compare cocks.


I thought what a Fucking weirdo.


He never showed up!

Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

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Three Irishmen are walking home after a night at the pub.

They're all a bit pissed, and decided to take the shortcut through the churchyard. As they pass the gravestones, one Irishman says to the others, "Look at this, boys. Ol' Patrick Flannigan lived 'til 85". Another of the men says, "Ah, that's nothing. Davie O'Toole is buried here. He lived to be 97."...

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

Kanye West compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney, and Steve Jobs.

Apparently none of them could sing, either.

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Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges.

A man goes to the fruit market to buy oranges. He comes across the orange stand and is surprised to see the lack of customers compared to the other stands. He proceeds to ask the vendor about it. He then answers:

"Well, the sign leading to my shop was stolen and the staff refused to provide m...

The three holy men and the three bears

A Catholic priest, a Baptist minister, and a Jewish rabbi want to see who’s best at their jobs, so they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Later they get together at the local hospital and compare the results. The priest, covered in some nasty l...

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A Joke my Dad told that Im pretty sure I heard a comedian do once

So theres these three guys on a construction crew. Every day at lunch they compare what they get. Everday the italian guy gets pizza and he says " if I get this one more timea Ima jumpa offada buildinga!!!"

The irish guy pops open his metal box, lo and behold hes got mashed potatoes loaded wi...

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

"If I had to compare you're body with a planet, I would pick Earth."

-Daniel Shenton, head of the Flat Earth Society

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Two friends decide to go on their honeymoon together...

One evening while the women are in their own rooms, the men drinking at the pub below their lodge,

Rob: I bet a 100 dollars I can fuck way more than you ever could in a night.

Dan: I don’t think so! I would like to compare numbers tomorrow morning at breakfast!

Rob: you know how...

My friend got a new (interesting) job..

I ran into an old friend and in catching up I asked how he was doing and how work was going with Covid.

He surprised me when he said he was laid off from his regular well paying job, but he had taken a part time job as a *Mohel*. I asked what that was and he explained it was the guy in the ...

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Someone once asked me to describe my sex life using an analogy. I compared it to an amoeba.

Because I reproduce alone :(

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

What's a small Zippo compared to a big Zippo?

A little lighter.

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sex joke #2

a cucumber, a pickle and a penis, are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives. the cucumber says, "my life fucking sucks.. im put into salads and to top em off, they drizzle dressing all over me.."
"my life sucks.." says the pickle. "that's nothing compared to my life, im put in vinegar an...

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

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An Irishman walks into an American restaurant during the era of prohibition

He asks the waiter "give me a glass of stout to see how it compares to Guinness back home."
The waiter replies "I apologize but alcoholic beverages are illegal in this country, might I offer you a glass of water?"

The Irishman, having heard that this restaurant has a speakeasy in the back ...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

Old Women Bragging About Their Sons

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much a...

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

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3 Criminals are talking about which one was the craziest.

The first guy talks about how he killed his wife then decapitated her and had sex with her corpse.

The second guy says that that's bad but nothing compared to how crazy he is.

He says he was a mafia boss and killed hundreds of men and stole millions from legitamate people.

The ...

A mean, yet wealthy women's husband dies...

She goes to the preacher in the town and tells him, "I want you to preach my husband's funeral. I also want you to call him a saint."
The preacher shakes his head slightly and says, "ma'am, I cant do that. He wasn't known as a good man around these parts..."
"I will give a check right now for ...

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

A man goes to the Dr for some tests

The next day the Dr calls the man and says "I've got good news and bad news."

The man says "give me the good news first"

"the tests say that you have 24 hours to live."

The man is crush and says "doc that's horrible news. What could be 'bad news' compared to that?"

"I sho...

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

Null pointer, I love you.

Nothing compares to you.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.

Brother Mark arrives at the monastery where he intends to devote his life to servitude to the Lord.

When he arrives, he discovers that the other brothers are creating new books by copying from previous copies.

So he asks Brother John, 'Do you ever proofread these copies against the original? How do you know that someone isn’t copying a mistake?

Brother John ponders this and decides, ...

What is you’re best taco/ Mexican food pun?

Hey reddit! So currently I work at Taco Bell taking orders in the drive thru. With covid-19 all going around, a lot of people have been more down compared to before. So I’ve been trying to make their days somewhat better. The conversation usually goes like this:
Me: “hi welcome to Taco Bell, how ...

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

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One day 3 kindergartners decided to compare their dicks during recess.

The first two were close in size but the third had a much larger penis. The first two boys quickly decided the third boy didn't count because he was black and "everyone knows black people have large wee-wees."

The black friend was hurt by this and when he went home he told his mom all about ...

My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...

I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style

What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?

A stable genius

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

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