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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate

US: [translation] you're like summer... hot

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Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...

He didn't even show up!

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

Three vampires are gathering in the middle of the night to compare their strength...

Says the first : See that woman over there? Wait... <wooshes away and comes back after 20 seconds, the mouth still dripping of fresh blood>. See - it only took me 20 seconds to completely empty that body!

Says the second : Not bad, but uh... see that village over there? Wait... <woos...

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"Doctor how does my stool sample compare to that of yesterday?"

"Same shit, different day."

Apples are a lot like oranges

They're both fruit, they both grow on trees and you can't compare them to each other.

I don’t get why so many people have an issue with The Kardashians show.

I like to compare it to the Lego movie with all of the plastic parts moving around

Never compare yourself to others

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."

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"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Nah, fuck it, I'll just say that you've got crackin' tits!"

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...

So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

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A lot of people have compared Trump to Hitler, but this is totally unfair.

Hitler had the decency to admit defeat.

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.





At a computer expo (...

Everything is relative

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money
to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same
church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could
he see right through the brothers...

Babe, if I compared you to every single girl in the entire world...

...all averaged together, there would be no difference.

I compare my life

I compare my life to my girlfriend, I don't have one.

Is it okay to compare a man getting “the snip” with a woman getting her tubes tied?

After all, there isn’t a vas deferens between the two ovum

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It's absurd to compare Donald Trump to Adolf Hitler

Hitler volunteered for the army.

When I compare my wife and my mistress

I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.

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This complete stranger PMed me out of nowhere and suggested we meet up in the forest and compare dick sizes!

The perverted fuck didn't even turn up.

I was delivering a sermon to my congregation the other day.

After I mentioned a rude joke that compared The Dark Knight Rises to the torturous pits of Hell, I saw one man angrily stand up and storm out. I was in complete shock.


It was the first time I’d ever seen a Christian Bale.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

### So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.


"What the hell is this?" she yelled.


The doct...

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

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you know what makes virginity special compared to other aspects of life?

it's the only thing I never lost

I think now that we've meemed and raided area 51, we should also raid the Vatican so we can compare...

We could call it Aliens vs Predators

Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

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A doctor, a psychologist, and a mathematician go to a horse race.

They all make their bets and plan to meet at their favorite watering hole after the race to compare their results. The doctor arrives last, orders a round for the group saying:

"I sure cleaned up! Lake Cookie was pegged for second place so I snuck into his stable just before the race and juic...

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Three guys compare their levels of intoxication

from a party the previous night.

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute ...

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I finally understand how people could compare Bernie Sanders to Hitler

Seeing how neither of them could finish a race.

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The only thing that matters about penis size is how it compares to your significant other's past lovers.

It's the theory of genital relativity.

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

The girl at the top of my class compared me to the worst type of cookie...

I asked them: What do you mean? How am I like the worst type of cookie?

They responded: Well, you look like you're sweet but you're really just a raisin

I looked at them puzzled, and said: Oh? You meant oatmeal raisin, I thought you meant another type of cookie

They made a confu...

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband i...

It's funny that Republicans have compared Trump to Reagan in the past...

At least Reagan knew how to act.

Little Ken Fok grew up working hard in his father’s restaurant in China

Every day before school he would get up at 6am and help prepare the dishes for that days lunch before coming home from school at 4pm to help with the evening shift by preparing and serving customers. He would make Spicy crab cakes, shredded pork and tofu. He would work until midnight and then repeat...

Three friends are sitting around talking about their boyfriends

The first girl says to the other two, “let’s play a game and say a drink that we like that our boyfriends remind us of. I’ll go first. My boyfriend is like sprite; he’s light and bubbly and sooo refreshing after my last couple relationships.”

The second girl says “ok, umm… mine would be a che...

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3 guys bet on who can make their wife scream more from sex

They make the bet and decide to all go home and have sex with their wives and compare results the next day.

Next day comes along and they meet to discuss. Guy #1 says “I fucked my wife so hard, she was screaming for like 20 minutes.” Guy #2 says “that’s nothing. I fucked my wife with a dildo...

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The son comes home and tells happily: "Mum, we compared our willy at school today"

"And guess what? I got the biggest one of all!"



To which the mother replies: "I hope so, my son. After all, you are the teacher."

My last internship interview

Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird

Me: Wow, I can never do that ma

Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?

Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing

Interviewer: Get out of my office

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What is it called when you compare glutes and chest muscles?

Ass-Pec Ratio

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Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all...

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Why isn’t it fair to compare Mike Pence to Donald Trump?

Because it’s like comparing assholes to oranges.

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It’s really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler

Hitler was a gifted public speaker.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

Happiness

A Chinese business man has been sharing photos of children crawling around and playing on top of a Lamborghini, saying that the happiness of children is the most valuable thing in the world. A million dollars worth Lamborghini is nothing compared to that. So he allow the kids to play and jump on top...

Three Brigadier Generals of the Army were sitting together and having drinks..

After a few rounds they start talking about their achievements in their respective careers. The topic somehow gets to who among the three Generals has the most fearless soldiers.

The first General says "My soldiers are very fearless, whatever I tell them to do they will do it without a second...

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.

Why does Russia have so little Covid-19 cases compared to other major countries?

They got banned from the competition by the WHO.

As a Caucasian tourist in Central America... I'm quite pale compared to most others...

Luckily, they have a place here where Yucatán.

President Trump just compared impeachment to being lynched.

If you are expecting an apology he will leave you hanging.

These three priest get together to compare notes;

They are discussing how they decide what portion of the collections goes to God (Back into the church) and what they keep for themselves.

The first one says, no matter how much money we get after collections, I only keep 10% for myself. The rest goes to God.

The second one says, no ma...

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Three women compare their husband's penises to soda pop

Three middle-aged women sit on a porch and joke about their husbands and agree to use soda pop to describe each man's penis.

The first women says "Mountain Dew." as her husband gets hard like a mountain and just wants to "do do do"

The second women describes her husband's penis as "7up...

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Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

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3 5th graders compare penis sizes

There are 3 fith graders; an irish boy, an asian boy and a black boy, and they want to see who has the biggest penis. So the Asian boy goes first, and its just tiny, they wave him aside. So then the Irish boy goes, its an average size. Then the black boy goes, and he is clearly the winner just huge....

Whenever i see a woman driving a bus, i smile to myself and think how far we have come in the whole equality thing compared to just a few short years ago

Then i wait for the next bus.

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A group of grade 5 students were comparing dick sizes

Amongst the group, the black kid had the biggest penis size in the group.
The black kid went home pretty confused and asked his cousin "Dude, compared to my friends, I had the biggest dick. Is it because I'm black?"
The cousin replied "No dude, it's because you're 18 years old."

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One day 3 kindergartners decided to compare their dicks during recess.

The first two were close in size but the third had a much larger penis. The first two boys quickly decided the third boy didn't count because he was black and "everyone knows black people have large wee-wees."

The black friend was hurt by this and when he went home he told his mom all about ...

Number 6 compares himself to number 8.

They're pretty even.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

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Two guys invited a prostitute to a hotel room

They decided to do it separately so the first guy goes in the room while the other is waiting at the lobby.

Then the first guy comes out, the second guy asks: ''How was she?''

First guy answers: ''She was okay, but she was nothing compared to my wife.''

Then the second guy goes...

Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US?

The keyboard adds an extra pound.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

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When it comes to women, I often get compared to Brad Pitt.

In Benjamin Button.

With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

What are some jokes with multiple punchlines? Here is an example what i mean:

A journalist was about to interview a company that advertised 100% chicken meat sausages.
The interviewer asked if the sausages are realy 100% chicken meat.
Company director:"well this is a secret, but for the sausages to remain juicy, we need to add some horse meat"
Interviewer: "Horse mea...

How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

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Two priests and a rabbi compare experiences

A Catholic priest, a Protestant priest and a rabbi are competing in who's the best at their job. They agree to go to the woods, find a bear each and try to convert the bear in to their respective religions. Later they compare their experiences:

The Catholic priest begins, "When I found the be...

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