What is a duck's drug of choice?

Quack cocaine

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

A blonde reporter is given a choice...

Her boss tells her that she has to get a good scoop within an hour or she’ll be fired. She thinks for a while, then, her face lights up, and she runs to her car and drives off. Her boss waits an hour, then texts her to ask where she is. She responds with an address, and after driving there, her boss...

I recently read that initially Daniel Radcliffe was the first choice to play Frodo Baggins, but he decided he didn't want to

I bet the producers were glad that Elijah Wood!

I'm virgin by choice

Of other girls

I love how our names for recreational drug users give an idea of their drug of choice.

If they are a frequent user of marijuana, they're a stoner.

Some like to include psychedelics, and we call them hippies.

Our cocaine lovers are cokeheads.

People obsessed with meth are tweakers.

Finally some people like Bill Cosby prefer qualudes or rohypnol, and we call...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was born I had 2 choices. One was having a perfect Memory and the other was to have a huge penis.

Unfortunately I can't remember which one I chose.

Normally valentines day is rather depressing, but this year I'm single by choice,

It's not my choice, but it's a choice

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was 10, a genie gave me two choices: either your dick grows to be massive, or you will have an amazing memory for the rest of your life.

And for the life of me, I can't remember what I chose...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

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I was given a choice to be born with either a huge penis or a strong memory

I forgot which choice I made

What does an unvaccinated kid tell his friends to justify his choice?

Life is too short.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

God gave me a choice to have a big dick or a good memory

I dont remember which one I picked

Murphy's Law? No. Mother in law's Choice

Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the ...

My fiance isn't too happy about me referring to her as my alternative second choice...

I thought she was my wife 2 b?

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What's a vampire's beer of choice?

Bloodweiser. (Or Blood Light, if he's a total pussy.)

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

To anyone who works at McDonalds who is feeling bad about their life choices just remember...

You can technically put White House Catering staff on your CV now

I've just met this girl who is perfect but she doesn't know how to do multiple choice tests.

she ticks all the boxes.

Her choice.

What is the diference between a woman and a PC?

The woman doesn't accept a 3.5'' flopy.

Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

Had the choice between 3 Cokes and 4 Dr Peppers.

I picked seven up.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

A Calvinist dies and goes to Heaven

He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."

Dejec...

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It wasn't my choice to poop my pants

Shit just happens

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When I was a young boy, my fairy godmother gave me a choice of two gifts.

She told me I could either have a long memory, or a long penis. I can't remember which one I picked now...

What is a scarecrows vehicle of choice?

An Autumn mobile

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

Hear about the mushroom who had to make a tough choice?

It was a big morrel dilemma.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is it called when you accidentally get a Japanese dignitary pregnant and have no choice but to marry her?

A shogun wedding

If you had a choice between drinking wine or being skinny what would you choose?

Red or white?



My grandma laughed a lot when she read this on Facebook so I’m not even sure if it’s that funny but whatever eh?

A few numbers were on a field trip (dont mind my character choice)....

...when they stopped to admire the view and take a rest for a bit.

Four, being a good painter, decides to spend the break by painting some things. But instead of painting the view, he paints the beautiful pickup truck they have been riding on.

After he finished, he realized how well ma...

Multiple choice question.

Where does a fish swim?

A.

B.

Or C.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Trump's Staff picked their favorite instruments and the choice was unanimous

Lyres, all of them

What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

When the logician was given a choice between eternal bliss and a ham salad, which one did he choose?

Ham salad, because nothing is better than eternal bliss, and ham salad is better than nothing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

What do you call a communist revolution that failed due to poor word choice?

A miss-commune-ication

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Imodium is not my first choice anti-diarrhea medicine...

But it's a solid number two.

Your wife & your lawyer are drowning—you have a choice to make

—do you go to lunch or a movie?

A lot of people though Mel Gibson was a bad choice for Braveheart. They said there was no way he could be Scottish.

But look at him now, he’s an alcoholic and he’s racist.

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

Cannibalism was the last resort but I had no other choice

I'm just bummed I can't walk anymore

I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear…

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."

What’s the comfort support of choice for women’s bras?

Mammary Foam

Pros and cons: Choice for abortions

Pro: Killing babies.

Con: Giving women a choice.

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.

Her: And what is the best method?

Me: Chloroform.

Her: You are funny!

Me: Good choice.

A girl had the choice of going out with either a fencer or a boxer.

The fencer was really kind and gentle, while the boxer seemed rowdy. In the end, she chose to go out with the boxer.
I asked her, "Why did you choose the boxer? The fencer seemed really nice."
She responded, " I don't know, the fencer just seemed rapier."

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I met a fairy today. She gave me the choice between a huge penis or a great memory...

I can’t remember what happened next though.

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God left Jim with one of two choices. To be homeless and unemployable forever or to always have a bulging boner.

The choice was clear, to be hardly living or living hardly.

Liam Neeson's first choice of username was taken

His second choice was taken too

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Why are sandwiches the food of choice in Alabama?

Because they're all in bread

If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...

I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

A friend of mine had a choice to go out with either a fencer or a boxer...

The fencer was sweet and always good to her, while the boxer was always rowdy.
She chose the boxer.

So I asked her why. I had always liked to fencer, and was always irritated by the boxer.
She said, “I don’t know. The fencer just seemed rapier.”


Poor man was foiled again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was given a choice

I was given a choice either have a great memory or a huge dick. So my friend asked me which I chose. but you know what, I can’t remember.

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

In 2016, Obama left Trump and Hillary as the 2 choices for president.

Thanks, Obama.

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A genie offered me a choice.

A big penis or a perfect memory. I told my neighbor about my experience. He asked, "Well what did you choose?" "I can't remember."

People often find themselves contemplating past life choices before they do something immensely stupid.

Which has me worried because I'm constantly thinking about the choices I've made in life.

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

If a genie offered you a choice between ending world hunger or getting a billion dollars

What color would your Lamborghini be?

Why was Dre's grandma so happy when she found out his career choice?

Because there was finally a Doctor in the family who could perform her hip op.

I heard the Pope's first choice for a guest was in fact Hillary...

But he couldn't afford her speaking fees

There was a German, an Italian and a Newfie on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die...

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
The Italian said "Just hang me." With a snap of the rope he was dead.
Then the Newfie said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."...

Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer

I read an interesting sociology paper about how your name can affect your career choices.

Written By Prof. Nominative Determinism.

[Game of Thrones] If you give Littlefinger two choices...

He'll always prefer the ladder

Harvey Weinsteins weapon of choice?

The Rapier.

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me , with my strange choice of adjectives.

You, with your muscular teeth and clockwise vagina.

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

What's a matadors choice skin moisturizer?

"Olay"

(I made it up- unsure if I'm the first but I doubt it)

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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Wondering why "cuck" has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?

They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.

I probably would have made the same choice...

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a great bike?" asks the first engineer.

The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, just minding my own business when a beautiful wom...

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth.

It's unsettling

The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices:

You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.