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Choice Jokes

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

What‘s a ducks drug of choice?

Quack

So the American people's choices for President will apparently be either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton.

That is the joke. There's no punchline here.

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Sports of Choice

The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

The sport of choice for m...

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I'm a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else's.

Sean Connery was the original choice to play Sebastian in The Little Mermaid

He turned the role down because, he said, "as a child I was always told not to be shellfish."

Who has no choice to strip to make ends meet?

Electricians

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

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A man's choice

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of £5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys severa...

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3 Choices...

A man dies, and finds himself in a plain-looking hallway. After a couple seconds, Satan appears in a puff of smoke.

"Hey there. Welcome to hell. It's not like the stereotypes or the movies, though. There's no fire or anything like that. Basically, the way it works I'll show you 3 rooms. After...

Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want...

But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?

Wayne Regretsky

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Choices

A man in a nursing facility turned 80. At his party, a large cake was wheeled in, and an escort popped out of the cake and said, "Hey birthday boy, would you like to have some super sex?" And the old man replied, "I guess it depends on what kind of soup."

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam.

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam. He flips a coin for each question and picks the choices accordingly. An hour into the exam – when all the students have given in their papers and he’s the only one left in the room, the invigilator sees that he’s still flipping coins; and tells him the...

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My penis is like Joe Biden.

Slightly left-leaning, and nobody's first choice.

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A genie gave me a choice: a longer memory or a longer penis...

I forget which one I chose

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife. "If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her." "You mean 'than'."

"No."

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It’s not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Good choice.

Me: To make a woman laugh is the second best method to get her to sleep with you.

Her: And what is the best method?

Me: Chloroform.

Her: You are funny!

Me: Good choice.

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Vaseline is my Choice of lube during sex

I smear it on the door knob so she can't escape

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What your choice of beer tells about you

A guy walks into a bar. A bit later an attractive woman next to him at the bar says, "You can tell a lot about a person by the beer they drink." "Oh really," he smiles looking down at his beer. "So what can you tell about me?" "You're an asshole," she replies. "That's my beer you're drinking."

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Choice of vaccine

The choice of vaccine must be made with care.

"Grandma, what vaccine would you like to do?"

"I'm waiting for Johnson & Johnson, I was already using shampoo and I was always happy"

"Grandpa and you?"

"Me Pfizer, I was already using Viagra and your grandmother alway...

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

Dad is down at the auto dealership, looking at potential choices.

“Cargo space?” he asks.

The salesman, slightly confused, finally replies, “Car no do that... car go road.”

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My wife and I recently agreed to a Hall Pass system, but she made such a stupid choice.

I told her that the two women I picked were Scarlett Johansson and Gal Gadot.

But instead of celebrity hunks, my wife went with the 2 guys who cut our grass.

OC - What's the binge show of choice for chubby pre-med cows

Graze Anatomy

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?

The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the...

The Right Choice

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears i...

Whats a boomers weapon of choice?

A boomerang.
I hate my life.

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Sudde...

If Donald Trump becomes President I'm going to Mexico.

Not by choice though.

My doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear...

I overheard him telling his colleague that I had "Serious healthy shoes".

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

What do you name a pro-choice dog?

Rover Wade

All my pets are vegan by choice and I know you can't change them!

Say hello to my goat, rabbit and cow

What is the Polish Combat Weapon of Choice?

The warsaw.

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Sexual attraction isn't a choice

If it was, i would have been active

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What's a vampire's beer of choice?

Bloodweiser. (Or Blood Light, if he's a total pussy.)

Her choice.

What is the diference between a woman and a PC?

The woman doesn't accept a 3.5'' flopy.

Why do Americans become fat by choice?

So they can add more bullets to their ammo belt.

Multiple choice question.

Where does a fish swim?

A.

B.

Or C.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and A Red Head are sentenced to death.

They are lined up in the yard to be killed. The main guard went up to the Brunette. “You have a choice on how you would like to die: by electric chair, firing squad, or hanging. Which will it be?”

The Brunette replied, “I’ll take the electric chair.”

She was led away by two other guar...

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

What's a Duck's favourite drug of choice?

Quack Cocaine

A college engineering student shows up with a new bike

"Woah where did you get such a nice bike?" his fellow engineering student asked.

"I was walking down the street last night and this girl on her bike came up to me started taking off her clothes and said 'its all yours' so I just took the bike" he said.

His friend replied "Good choice b...

When you want to change your hairstyle, there are two choices:

'Do or dye.

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

My wife gave me a choice...

... watching Titanic with her or washing dishes, cleaning carpets, and cleaning bathroom.

Quick question: which bleach would you recommend?

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

Then Ok!

Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."

Son: "No."

Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."

Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*

\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*

Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates: "No."

Dad: "My son is the CEO of...

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

I was on a blind date with this girl...

And I told her being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed
She asked "What's the best way?"
I said "a big knife".
She laughed and said "you're funny".
I said "wise choice".

If you had the choice between World Peace or all of Bill Gates money....

.....what colour Ferrari would you buy?

What is an Asian persons drug of choice?

Mathamphetamine

I am single by choice.

Choice of 2 billion women.

Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, and a little boy are crossing the Atlantic on an airplane when the engines fail.

They find three parachutes.

Donald Trump grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane saying, “The world needs a great person like me!”

Joe Biden grabs a parachute and says, “I need to help make choices for our world”, so he jumps off the plane. 

At this point, the Po...

Being single and childless is not a choice

I was born this way.

I can't believe my parents support my choice of profession!

I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian.

They laughed at me.

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At birth I was given a choice.

Amazing memory or a huge dick.

I don’t remember what I picked.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

My dog forcefully jumped into my arms. He left me no choice...

I had to put him down.

What is Bruce Wayne's drink of choice?

Just ice.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

Bill Clinton said Hillary is clearly the best choice for president...

He knows for a fact there is no chance she'll blow it.

What do you call a pro-choice music festival?

Bangers for Hangers

What is a skeleton's weapon of choice?

A bone and marrow.

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

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What is a Jewish Arsonist's weapon of choice?

A Mazel Tov Cocktail

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A gorilla walks into a bar in Manhattan

The bartender gives the gorilla a craft beer menu (without the fucking QR codes). The gorilla points at a particular summer ale, with hints of lemon. The bartender nods, and tells him what a great choice that is.

A few minutes later, the bartender serves the gorilla this tasty craft brew, an...

THE CHOICE

GOD APPEARED BEFORE AN IRISHMAN AND SAID, 'FOR YOUR DEVOTION, I WILL GIVE YOU A CHOICE BETWEEN PARKINSONS OR ALZHEIMERS FOR YOUR ELDERLY AFFLICTION.'

THE IRISHMAN SAID,; THATS EASY. PARKINSONS.'

'WHY IS IT EASY?' GOD ASKED

'I'D RATHER SPILL HALF A GLASS OF WHISKEY THAN FORGET WH...

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

A blonde reporter is given a choice...

Her boss tells her that she has to get a good scoop within an hour or she’ll be fired. She thinks for a while, then, her face lights up, and she runs to her car and drives off. Her boss waits an hour, then texts her to ask where she is. She responds with an address, and after driving there, her boss...

At birth i was given a choice

At birth I was given a choice between a magnum dong or the ability to remember every detail of my life I forgot what I picked.

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.

The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.

Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks “Why did you choo...

A mysterious magician offers a man two choices

One is a million dollars, and another is infinite wisdom.




After thinking for a while the man chooses infinite wisdom,




Snapping his fingers the magician shouts “Infinite wisdom.” And points at the man while running away.




Realising nothing has h...

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Before I was born I had one choice

If I wanted a perfect memory or a big dick, and now I forgot what I have chosen.

What was Bruce Lee's beverage of choice?

WAH-TAH!

What do you call a multiple choice quiz in Russia?

An election.

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

What is a Buddhist monk's drug of choice?

Discip-lean

Wife: Do you want dinner?’ Husband: Sure! What are my choices?’

Wife: Yes or no.

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

I dated a girl who was obsessed with carpentry. I told her "You have to make a choice: Me or your equipment."

She chose the ladder.

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A genie popped out of a bottle I found on the beach and offered me a choice between perfect memory and a massive dick.

I don't remember what I chose.

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

What's a woke person's beverage of choice?

Reali-tea.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

What is a scarecrows vehicle of choice?

An Autumn mobile

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices

We all forgot about it

At a university there was a dean who cared about others and showed exemplary behavior. One day an angel appeared at a faculty conference.

The angel said as a reward for his good deeds that God would give him his choice of eternal riches, eternal wisdom, or eternal beauty.

The dean chose eternal wisdom without hesitation.

"Good," said the angel, disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

Everyone present turned their gaze...

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I was given a choice

I was given a choice either have a great memory or a huge dick. So my friend asked me which I chose. but you know what, I can’t remember.

Women are like multiple choice tests

They give you plenty of options but there's only one right answer

Pro-life or Pro-choice?

I'm really unsure how to feel about planned parenthood and abortion. I mean, on one hand I'm all for killing babies but on the other I don't like giving women a choice.

Damn...

Murphy's Law? No. Mother in law's Choice

Sam, a young man, excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.  He tells her, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry.'

The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the ...

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A gunman stops a driver driving through a scary countryside road and says "Step out of the car and take your dick out..."

Driver: *freezes at this unexpected turn of events*

Gunman: *In a louder voice* "Do it"

Driver: "Please don't shoot. I'll do whatever you ask"

Driver proceeds to step out of the car and take his pants off.

Gunman: "Now start masturbating or I'll put a bullet in your head"...

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

When given a choice between scaffolding and a ladder

I always choose the latter

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The Manager of a company has to make a hard choice:

Lay off Jack or Jane.

They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.

In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.

The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.

Manager: "Jan...

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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew yo...

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:

take it or leave it.

My mom's pro choice. Her sister is anti-abortion

It's a terrible nickname, but she's had four.

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While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

My friend developed a video streaming app that rejects every choice you make, and plays random Russian videos instead

He calls it *Nyetflix*

Siamese cats are a great choice for a cat lover on a budget.

You get two for the price of one.

If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice...

I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

I completely support people's choice to not wear masks and gather in large groups during a pandemic.

So would Darwin.

A contractor offered his client a choice of table tops made of various rock types.

Contractor: Here we’ve got some limestone. It’ll really bring the room together, man.

Client: I’m not too sure about that. It doesn’t wow me all that much.

Contractor: Well, I’ve got marble here. It’s pretty unique and could give you that one of a kind look you’re wanting.

Clien...

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It wasn't my choice to poop my pants

Shit just happens

What is a chefs weapon of choice?

A salt rifle

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