Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

What's the difference between outlaws and in-laws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

What did the cartoon character say to his brother in law when he found out his wife was crazy?

You knew she was looney and a maniac...and you didn’t warn a brother?

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

There's a country where all cars are required by law to be rose-colored.

It's a pink car nation.

“Have you heard of Murphy’s Law, that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?"

“Yes.”

“Well have you heard of Cole’s Law?”

“No.”

“It’s mostly cabbage.”

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer...

...but apparently no one will do it!

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Officer: everything you say can and will be held against you in the court of law

“Titties”

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

If you think you wrote a great letter, add a footnote at the end which explains Ohm’s Law.

Then it’ll be your P.S. de resistance.

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

Yeah, he got two consecutive sentences!

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law

My wife said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough"

Godwin's law

Godwin's law states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

A man, let's call him Ted, was walking along with his wife, his donkey, and his mother-in-law...

All of a sudden the donkey runs ahead, rears up, kicks and kills his mother-in-law.
At the funeral, Ted's friend Joe noticed that every time Ted is approached by a female Ted nods his head; and every time he is approached by a male he shakes his head, as if to say "no." His curiosity was too muc...

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

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Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?

What’s the best way to not deal with annoying in-laws?

Marry an orphan.

A Man and his wife and mother in law are visiting Isreal but the mother in law dies.

the man whose helping them make the arrangements says.

You have two options

1. Send her back to the states and have her buried their.$5000
2. or you can bury her here $1000

The husband asks "Can we think about it."

The man says absolutely

one day later they c...

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

psychologist girl and law boy

\> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”

\> The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

\> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.

\> After a co...

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.

So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

What do you say when someone is in denial about the laws of refractions?

Snell's like teen spirit

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

Why do melons hate modern laws?

Because they cantaloupe.

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

A man, his wife and mother in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them,

"You can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Wh...

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law.

My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

- I saw two men beating my mother in law

- and you didn’t do anything?

- nah, 3 people would be too many

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

Murphy’s Law states that...

if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!

How do I know Abraham Lincoln never had trouble with the law?

He's in a cent.

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I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop porn.

In laws these days!

In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to the DMV to renew his driver’s license. At one point during the road test, he approached a four-way stop, looked to his left, and cruised straight through the stop sign.

“Sir! You didn’t look to your right,” yelled the frightened inspector.

...

Three sisters get married, each to another man

The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them.

She decides to take each of them on a walk separately.

The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a...

Cows & politics

***SOCIALISM***

You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

***COMMUNISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

***FASCISM***

You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

***BUREAUCRATISM***

...

What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?

Not enough cement

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

My mother in-law is so old

that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

if having a huge penis was a crime...

...I would be a law abiding citizen

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

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Mother in-law

I’m walking back from work and ran into my friend who’s face is all beaten up.

-What happened ?

Oh it’s been a shitty few days. Mother in-law passed away so we buried her today.

- So sorry to hear that! But what happened to your face ?

She resisted!

King Solomon the Wise

Had over a thousand wives

But don't you forget

For every wife he saw

He also gained

A mother-in-law

My mother in law began to address the elephant in the room

I asked her why she was talking to herself.

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A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.

Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “Wha...

They just passed a new law preventing a spouse from harming individuals when they are caught cheating.

As they say, "If you can't beat them, join them."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a prison and a police department?

One is full of ruthless, degenerate scum with no respect for the law. The other is full of people they arrested.

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish cop.

He thinks that he is
smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer
from LONDON and is certain that he has a
better education than any Irish cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the Irish cop's expense.
Irish cop says,"License and registration,
please."
...

Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law?

It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.

A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest w...

My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we're having a change.

We're going to let her in.

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A farmer is trying to grow hydroponic potatoes, but he starts them in test tubes. This results in the potatoes being long with a round bulge at the top, so they look like male genitals.

The farmer tries to sell them to anyone and eventually even posts them online, where he surprisingly starts getting more orders than he can fill; and all from Russia. He’s surprised but grows another batch and they sell out again. He starts worrying there might be something illegal going on so he go...

There are two kind of lawyers :

Those who know the law, and those who know the judge.

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Daughter in law is pissed at her new doctor....

After a thorough exam he told her, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."

She said, "What, I'm pregnant?!"

Doc said, "No, it just *looks* like it."

Yo momma defies the laws of economics

She's got plenty of supply, but there's absolutely no demand

My mother in law just got Reddit

I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife.

A man is walking on a beach, and finds a lamp containing a genie that offers him 3 wishes, however, whatever his wish, his mother-in-law gets double of it.

The man is upset at first since he hated his mother-in-law, but decides to try it out.

"I wish for a hundred million dollars" the man told the genie.

The genie nods his head, and $100,000,000 appears before the man.

"Gtanted, but Your mother-in-law now has $200,000,000 as well" ...

I've religiously disinfected the groceries in my weekly supermarket delivery

Except for the items I take over to my mother-in-law

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Mother in law dies

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

“We’ll shi...

Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.

Thinking outside the box

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
"What are you complaining about?" he fires back. "You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."

I knew I was an adult when my sister-in-law asked me to supervise my nephew while he was using scissors for a craft project.

I knew I wasn't an adult when he stabbed himself in the eye and I passed out.

mother in-laws accident

\- I finally got to visit my mother inn-law after her accident.

\- Oh, how is she?

\- Pretty ugly

\- Yes, I know, but how is she feeling?

A father has a meeting with his future son-in-law

The father asks "I see you are in between jobs, how are you going to provide for yourself and my daugher?"

The young man replies "Well, God will provide"

The father continues by asking, "I assume you will be having children, how will you support them?".

The young man paused, and...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow during the dinner and got slapped upside the head by his father right away. But not hard. As was agreed

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Voodoo dildo

A man walks into a sex shop and tells the shopkeeper that he'll be going on a trip soon. He tells the shopkeeper that his wife is very sexually active, and to keep her happy he wants to get her something to keep herself busy. The shopkeeper goes to the backroom and brings the man a box. The shopkeep...

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

An alcoholic law student walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts crying. The bartender asks, “Hey buddy are you ok?” He looks up and says, “I’m really mad at myself for not passing the bar.”

Dave was walking along the beach and saw a beautiful lamp wash up.

He rubbed it and a marvelous Genie popped out and his mother-in-law, Cathy, appeared.

The Genie stated, you have three wishes, but be careful what you wish for.. and whatever you get, your mother-in-law will get double. Cathy snickered at him and started rubbing her hands together. "It's abou...

Definitely a repost, but the following is an alleged question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an alleged answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students ...

So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

My destitute nephew, Ronnie, pulled up beside him in his 2003 Toyota. 

They are happy to see each other, the difference in wealth has never been an issue between them.

"How are you nephew?" say Mel “Have you seen my new Jag?"

"My that’s a fancy car, so let me ask you, what kind ...

A guy gets hit by a car.

He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him.The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes.The nurse asks "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"

The guy replies "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."...

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

Why are ghosts good lawyers?

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*

Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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A brilliant lawyer is sitting next to an ordinary man on a plane.

The lawyer asks the man if he wants to bet money on a game of smarts to pass the time.

The ordinary man says, “You’re so smart, I won’t be able to win!”

The lawyer says, “That’s no problem. For every question you can’t answer, give me $5; for every question I can’t answer, I’ll give yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every Man needs a Beautiful wife, intelligent wife, caring wife, loving wife, sexy wife, adjusting & cooperative wife.

But it's sad that law allows only one wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm a farmer. I work in southeast Michigan.

While hauling around a bag of manure to fertilize my crops, a cop came up to me.

He asked, "What's that?"

I reply, "Manure."

"Why are you carrying manure?"

"I'm using it to fertilize my crops."

"Do you have a license for that manure?"

"Why would I need ...

I was carving the Thanksgiving turkey and cut my hand. My not so bright brother-in-law ran over and grabbed the bloody wound with his fingers and started twisting it. I screamed “Ouch!! What the hell are you doing!”

He replied, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut”

From my father-in-law. "Did you know the Polacks started WWII?"

"Yeah, they threw a grenade at the Germans, and the Germans pulled the pin and threw it back."

His joke not mine. I apologize to my polish friends if this offends you, and yes I'm aware his joke could better or more historically accurate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening.

So I'll just say "Fuck the Chinese Government" right here.

That should do.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,

“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

The artist named “Feat” has a monopoly on the music industry and should be tracked down.

Every time I see a song, Feat is always on it. This is too suspicious, and must mean he has a monopoly on the recording industry. Maybe he has parents with connections, maybe he is holding someone hostage, or maybe it is something much worse. What is apparent though, is that he is definitely breakin...

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

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