I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law

Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6

What color breaks the law?

Violate.

Whats the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

My mother-in-law fell fown a wishing well, I was amazed.

I never knew they worked.

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

My dyslexic brother-in-law eats shellfish for anxiety...

He says it clams him down.

Don't obey public nudity laws

They're a government cover-up conspiracy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mother-in-law says to her daughter-in-law "I don't mean to offend you, but my grandson looks nothing like my son".

Daughter-in-law replies, "I've got a fanny between my legs, not a fucking photocopier".

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the hardest things I’ve done.

I had to fight my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads

Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass

What do you call the religious leader of law enforcement?

the popope.

I’m going to start a law firm and only hire nuns...

I’ll call it “Sisters in law.”

So when my Mother-in-law died the police came by to asked what happened.

I said, "She ingested some poison." The police said, "then what are all these bruises for?" "Well, she wouldn't take the poison."

​

You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right? Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you ever heard of Cole’s law?

It’s thinly sliced cabbage.

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.

I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

Cole's Law

Thinly sliced cabbage.

My mother-in-law can murder any joke.

After the 2000 Presidential elections with the multiple vote recounts in Florida, she came home and told us the funniest joke she had just heard:

Have you seen the new Texas quarter?

<holds out a nickel>

You count it five times!

What kind of underwear do law students wear?

Legal briefs!

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard?

Shoot again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her "If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?" Mother in-law yells "the mother!"

Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"

My very Catholic sister-in-law asked me....

"When is epiphany this year?"
I said, "I don't know, but I'm sure it will come to me."

Why did adam not have a mother in law?

He lived in paradise.

A woman sent two ties to her son in law.

Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him.

The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence.

Finally she spoke, “...

My mother-in-law frequently yells out a, e, i, o u and sometimes y very nastily.

I asked her why and she says she can't help it. She has irritable vowel syndrome.

When you transgress the laws of men, you go to jail.

When you transgress the laws of God, you go to hell.

When you transgress the laws of physics, you go to Stockholm to receive a Nobel price.

A receptionist at a doctor’s office announces new privacy laws to patients waiting in the common area.

“Starting today, people won’t be called by their name.”

People somehow smile and nod.

“So, the man with hemorrhoids, please come in.”

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

You get three wishes, but what ever you get you mother in-law gets double.

So you agree to these terms and start, first you wish for $10B, so your mother in-law gets $20B, you say okay and choose a mansion on the beach, she gets two, then for your final wish you think hard, Ah! Perfect, I’d like someone to beat me half to death.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mickey Mouse goes to a law firm.

Lawyer: "I don't understand sir, you want to file for divorce because your wife is silly?"

Mickey: "No, I said she's fucking Goofy!!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Irony of Indian law system

I have two questions for the lawmakers of our country:

1. If the legal age of a Man to get Sexually active is 18 years and the legal age for him to get married is 21... then what are we actually suggesting he should do these 3 years?

2. Now if the legal age for a Man to get married is ...

The bartender says, "Get out! In this bar, we OBEY the law of causality!"

A tachyon walks into a bar...

The law is very strange thing...

If the government finds oil in your backyard, it is theirs.

If they find marijuana, it is yours...

What do you have when your mother-in-law has concrete up to her neck?

Not enough concrete

A teacher at a law school made a bet with a student that the student would pay him money once he wins his first case.

The teacher then immediately sued him for failure to pay.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My cannibal mother in law ate my wife, and now..

I got ninety nine problems but a bitch ate one.

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..

...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I read that by law you must turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How the fuck am I supposed to know when it is raining in Sweden?

Man shoots another man five times but insists to law enforcement that it was an accident...

"How can you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer asked.

"Well i was aiming for the man beside him but i have a lazy eye" the man said.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman contacts her brother-in-law last minute to ask him to watch her daughter for the day...

The brother-in-law, Tim, grudgingly agrees. He picks the girl up and takes her down to the shoreline where he works.

"Do you know what I do for a living?"

She nods. "You're a fisherman, right?"

"Well, kind of. See, we get a lot of fish around here, and in order to catch as ma...

The EU just passed a new law and one member signed directly in the center of the document

No one expects the Spanish ink position.

Angela Merkel has been German chancellor for 13 years. Not to invoke Godwin's Law, but you know who else was chancellor of Germany for 13 years?

Konrad Adenauer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

What does Twitter and the court of law have in common?

Nobody wants to hear your story unless you have money.

Took my mother-in-law out last night.

Loving my new sniper rifle.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call Jude Law with a penis drawn on his chin?

Lewd Jaw

Two guys are drinking in a bar and one says, "Man, I've really had it with my brother in law."

The 2nd guy asks what happened, and the 1st guy tells him, "He had to go to jail last night and he went nuts. He fought, kicked, screamed, and flung a handful of feces on the wall." The 2nd guy says, "Man he really sounds like a piece of work." The 1st guy says, "Yeah, that's the last time we invite...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mother in law "When war comes, I'll just be eating human flesh as well". "You shitting me?!" She asked.

"Maybe." I replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Last week I fucked my sister in law

This week I fucked my brother in geography

You've heard Moore's law and Boyle's law but have you heard of Cole's law?

It's chopped cabbage. Thanks for the correction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I recently got engaged, and used to visit my future in-laws' house quite frequently...

My fiance had a step sister, who used to tease me a lot. She used to stared at me across the dining table, used to bend down while wearing a skirt, etc.

A couple of days before the wedding, she called me at the house to help her make the invitation cards. When I arrived, there was no one at t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A law student walks into the bar and orders a beer.

"Um, we dont serve beer".

Slightly miffed, the law student says, "pint of cider then?"

"Yeah, we dont have any cider either".

"Well, you must at least have a glass of fucking wine?" asks the law student, infuriated.

"No sir, we don't. Now please take your seat, the bar...

Lovely Mother-in-law

One day, a lady decided to know if the husbands of her three daughters liked her.

The next day she went for a walk with the first one and on the edge of a lake she slides, falls and without knowing how to swim, begins to drown.

The guy, without blinking, jumps into the water and rescue...

Aldi recently copied Lidl's idea to reduce their prices on courgettes, cucumbers, carrots, celery, celeriac, cabbage and cauliflower, and now they're being fined for breaking piracy laws.

It's because they sale'd the seven Cs.

There was a new law passed banning anyone from shouting at a cat.

It's considered furball abuse.

You know about Murphy's law (Anything that can go wrong will)? Well that's a lot different than Cole's law...

...which is chopped cabbage.

Saddam Hussein was found Guilty in a Court of Law

but he was given a suspended sentence

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.My neighbour said "Are you going to help?"

I said "No, six should be enough."

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia,

a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.

It's called Burka King.

My mother in law was getting beaten up by four guys

and my wife shouted "Go Help", to which I replied "four should be enough".

A law joke that isn't a lawyer joke

A man is put on trial for the charge of stealing his neighbor's pig.

After both sides rest, the jury leaves to deliberate, and an hour later it returns.

"Have you reached a verdict?" the judge asks.

"We have, your honor," the foreman says. "We find the defendant not guilty, but ...

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car.

Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours are looking a little blunt."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was caught masturbating in the library over the small print of laws and local regulations....

.....I got off on a technicality

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

What do you call the law student who graduates last in their class?

"Your Honor"

The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

What do you call an insect who is in trouble with the law?

“A defendANT”

What happens to Russians when they break the law?

They're Putin jail.

Sod's law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

Moore's law: The complexity of integrated circuits doubles every 24 months.

Campbell's law: The more any quantitative social indicator is used for social decision making, the more subject it will be to corruption pressures and the more apt it will be to distort and corrupt the social processe...

Dad Knowing the Laws...

Dad: Have you heard of Murphy's Law?

Son: Yes, if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.

Dad: Yes! Have you heard of Cole's Law?

Son: Actually, no. What's that?

Dad: Thinly sliced cabbage.

My mother-in-law has come for a visit and has been of immeasurable help

Which is a polite way to say that her assistance has not been perceptible.

There's no such thing as a "new" Law and Order joke.

They've all been done done.

I still remember what my mother in law said just before she died

"Stop shaking the ladder YOU LITTLE $#%@!"

A friend told me that his mother-in-law is a real angel.

I told him how lucky he is, mine is still alive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man who lives across the street from his in laws walks into the pharmacy.

Every day he walks in and buys a big jar of KY jelly.

After a few months the pharmacist says: “Earl your wife has had 6 kids there’s no way you use that much lube!! She can’t be that tight any more it’s not physically possible!!”

Earl grabs another jar of lube and says” I don’t use it...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

A man comes home to find his mother-in-law passed out.

He rushes her to the hospital and doctors begin treating her.

Several hours later, the doctor returns and tells the man "Well I have some good news and bad news."

"Ok, what's the bad news?" He asks.

The doctor explains, "Well, your mother-in-law had a massive stroke and suffered...

Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the force of attraction.

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five!”

“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to our calculations, you’re eighty two.”

“How’d you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter says, “We added up your time sheets.”

What do you get when you rearrange the letters in "mother-in-law?"

Woman Hitler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Students from Asia Came to My High School.

They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Ving is in my math class, and the dude is like a math wiz. I’m really struggling, so I ask Ving if he’d give me a hand on the homework.

Ving says yeah, he just wants me to do him a favor.

I’m like yeah sure what?

He asks me to dri...

There was this engineer who died and went to Hell.

He disliked Hell, so pretty soon he went to work improving it. He installed air conditioning, elevators, bathroom air fresheners, escalators, and all sorts of gadgetry. One day God calls Satan:

"So, how are things down there?" asks God.

"Great!" Satan replies, "we now have air conditio...

What happens when a triangle breaks the law?

They go to prism!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have a father in law

He’s a really crappy lawyer though..

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Being in law school is exactly like directing porn,

You're surrounded by amateur cunts looking to go pro.

A man gets married. Now, he has a father-in-law, a mother-in-law, a bother-in-law, a sister-in-law. And the wife?

She is the law.

Utah liquor laws are BS!

Never have I been to a place where it's acceptable to have more wives than drinks!

A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"

Student: "No, what's that?"

Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"

Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.

Student: "Oh yeah? We...

Getting my mother-in-law stuck on a tree wasn't my favorite thing...

But it was up there.

If a Bengal tiger is attacking your mother-in-law and spouse, who will you save?

The Bengal tiger of course!! They're getting extinct in the world.

I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking “those stupid dogs...”

Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

Mother-in-law

Oh, I didn’t expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn’t it your mother-in-law’s funeral today?”

“Well you know how it is.Work first, then fun.”

Trump is imposing a new law whereby you cannot sit anymore,

What’s your stance on this?

According to the laws of physics, the heavier you are...

the more attractive you are.