Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

What happens to a rainbow when it breaks the law?

It goes through the prism system

A woman wants to know if her 3 future sons-in-law will be thrustworthy... ... So she decides to take them one by one on a walk and pretend to slip and fall into the water to see what they will do. And so it goes.

On the first walk, she pretends to slip and falls into the water. The first son-in-law takes of his shoes & coat and jumps in the water. The next day there is new family sedan parked in front of the house. There is a letter for the son-in-law which says:

_Thank you for saving me, here is ...

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

A mother hears a humming sound from her daughter's bedroom and walks in.

Finding her daugher sitting on the bed using her vibrator she asked, "What are you doing?!"

"I'm a 35 year old woman living with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to a husband, " replies the daughter.

The mother silently leaves the room. The next day, the father hears a hu...

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

My mother-in-law wouldn't stop suggesting

I buy her something 'for the bathroom' for her Christmas gift.

When she unwrapped the toaster I got her, she wasnt pleased.

A man is walking along the road when he sees his mother in law being attacked by five men. His wife asks, "Aren't you going to help?".

The man says no five should be enough.

Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won’t find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

Me : what do you study? She : I'm science Student. Me : Can i ask a question? She : ask. Me : what is Newton's 3rd law?

She : Listen, im a science student not a law student.

What is the difference between in-laws and out-laws?

Out-laws are wanted

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A man and his mother-in-law bought a new mattress, but there was no room in the car for the both of them and the mattress.

Luckily, the man had a ball of twine in his pocket, and after driving 25 miles, they safely got the mattress home unscathed.

Later that night, the mother-in-law came home and bitched out at him when she hit a low bridge while she was tied on top of the car.

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My brother-in-law and I were fishing

Not having any luck when he told me to row faster. I rowed and rowed when all of a sudden both oars snapped right in half.

Stranded my brother-in-law said, "What now dipshit?"

"Don't worry. Somebody is going to come by." I answered.

Just then around a corner came an Englishman ...

Who’s the law enforcement in the font world?

Sans Sheriff

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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!" ...

Moore’s law states that the density of transistors doubles every two years.

This is usually done by making them smaller.

Therefore, less is Moore’s

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The Felony laws are rediculous...

Three guys were talking about how they ended up in an Arizona prison.

Guy 1: what are you in for?

Guy 2: selling weed to my 23 year old cousin with anxiety.

Guy 1: I can beat that, I was playing bioshock and the radio in game played some 1950s shit. I got a copy right strike and...

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?

Reload, and try again.

Until federal law supports the love between two men

It’s just a mandate

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well.

I was amazed – I never knew they worked.

My sister in law got the covid vaccine yesterday.

Her 5g reception has never been better

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My brother-in-law told me this one. Get a chuckle from it every now and then.

"What do you call nuts on a wall?"
"I don't know?"
"Walnuts! What do you call nuts on your chest?"
"I don't know?"
"Chestnuts! Now what do you call nuts on your chin?"
"Uhh...chinnuts?"
"Nah, you can call 'em shit 'cause you got dick in ya mouth!"

Attorney at law

Saying you're an attorney at law is like saying you're a software developer at programming or that you're a policeman at racism

True story from the in-laws.

Was at the in-laws' place (okay my girlfriend's parents') and was chatting with her father as grandpa was watching a James Bond film.

Father: Well, TheCapedMoose, who's the better bond, Shaun Connery or Roger Moore?

Me: I dunno, it's kind of a toss up...

Father: No it isn't, Sh...

I heard that by law you have to turn on your lights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?!

Took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning..

Being a sniper is awesome sometimes

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Did you know that the Netherlands imports all oatmeal to avoid copyright laws?

Because if they produced locally they would be making Holland Oats.

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A man calls law firm

"Smith, Smith, Smith & Smith" person of the other side answers. "Can I speak with Mr. Smith?" he asks "Terribly sorry sir, but he's at the court this morning." "Oh, I see. How about Mr. Smith then?" "He retired last year." "Oh" the guy is getting a bit put off. "Mr. Smith then?" "No, sorry, he's...

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

I'm looking forward to having the mother-in-law for Christmas...

... it will make a nice alternative to turkey.

US law enforcement is like Clorox bleach...

Safe for whites, but tough on colors.

My mother in law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....

I always try to cheer her up with chocolate and flowers.

Three guys are drinking at a bar

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

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Did you hear about the law that bans anal sex?

It's a law that I can't get behind.

Please stop making jokes about COVID! I lost both my parents in law due do this pandemic.

My wife divorced me after i spend our holiday budget on a PS5 and a collection of NERF guns

My wife and I were walking home from dinner when we came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"

I said, "No, 6 should be enough."

Why are my in-laws like the bandit who robbed my store at gunpoint?

I met them while staring down the barrel of a shotgun.

Architects call a layer of bricks a wythe. After the Great Fire of London, where thousands of wooden buildings were destroyed, King Henry VIII passed a law that the walls of all new buildings must be made of at least six layers of brick.

This is known as the six wythes of Henry the Eighth.

What do you call a dog that helps out in a Spanish law firm?

A perro-legal.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

## So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, b**ut ...

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Ten Lines to Get You Out of Jury Duty

1. I can tell if people are guilty just by looking at them.

2. I am really attracted to you, Your Honor.

3. If a police officer told me I was a bug, I'd believe him

4. I think laws are for sissies.

5. Would I have to bathe?

6. Can each of my personalities vote in t...

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

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Why do the Laws of Physics in fast and furious universe not exist?

Newton wasn't a virgin and a physicist in that universe. He had a family.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says, “I can get the peanut out.” He tells the father to sit d...

What does the law say about internet trolling?

You know the rules and so do I ...

Guy gets a visit from his mother in law

\- "How long will you stay?" he asks.

\- "Until you get bored with me."

\- "Why so short?"

I have a few jokes about laws in the US

But they're not for everyone.

An Attorney and a Doctor in court...

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Attorney: ...

Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

I took my Sister-in-Law out yesterday evening.

Damn I love being a sniper.

Turns out my brother-in-law has some kind of psychosis

Turns out I'm married to her.

Have a daughter named after my mother in law

Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week

A teacher asked a student," Tell me the 1st Law of Newton"

"I don't remember the whole line, just the last part"

"Ok tell the last part"

"... and this is called the 1st Law of Newton

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

I've spend the last 10 years looking for my mother in law's killer...

But nobody will do it!

My mother-in-law asked to borrow $10,000

She can’t pay it back and now she won’t speak to me.


Best ten grand I ever spent.

My father-in-law is a retired preacher.

The put him out to pastor.

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartend...

Why will the President stop breaking the law next week?

...

Because he’ll be a-Biden

Please Pray for my Mother-in-Law.

She has been taken to hospital as a hornet landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade....

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I've met my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times!

And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!

Unused Christmas present.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift,The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


She asked me: Why,?

I replied. "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

I was at my father in laws funeral...

when my mother in law walked by.

"I just want to tell you about a place where people park their cars" I said.

"Thank you" She said. "That really means a lot"

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Henry Kissinger was once asked to explain what shuttle diplomacy was.

– Oh! It is a never-failing old Jewish method. Let me give you an example. Suppose you want to marry Rockefeller’s daughter to a lad from a Siberian village.
– How would you do that?
– Easy. I go to a Siberian village, find there a young man and ask him, “Would you like to marry an American Je...

My daughter asked why she can’t just quit school

I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.

My sweet sweet child looked me in the eye, and said: “I'll visit you”.

I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.

One that I can really sue.

Murphy’s Law : “If there’s any way they can do it wrong, they will”. But Cole’s Law:

“thats just cabbage.”

Not taking that chance

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.



With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrang...

My wife and I have recently moved into my Mother-In-Laws while our house is being renovated...

Being intimate is pretty tricky!

I constantly have to remind her that my Wife is sitting downstairs...

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

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I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking,


"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

A guy sees his mother in law riding a bicycle. "Where are you going?" he asks.

"To the cemetery" she replies.

"And who is going to return the bike?"

Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?

Yes, we arson.

Did you hear about the guy arrested for having a law fetish?

He got off on a technicality.

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What's the average penis size of law enforcement?

9mm

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives...

I said, "No way!! In fact I love your mother in law much more, than I like mine."

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Granny went to the bank to deposit her $1M

She was greeted by the Bank Manager.

Manager: "Good morning, ma'am! That's quite a fortune. May I ask where did it come from?"

Granny: "I have a knack in gambling. These are my winnings."

M: "I have no doubt. However, our policies prevents us from accepting it due to anti money-...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

If a doctor takes a hippocratic oath after completing med school, what does a lawyer take after graduating law school?

A hypocritical oath.

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer...

...but apparently no one will do it!

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

My Brother-in-law was addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

It was a rough couple of years but he eventually turned himself around.

I spoke to my doctor

“Doctor, can you prescribe a sleeping pill for my mother-in-law?”

The doctor responded, “Why? Is your mother-in-law suffering from insomnia?”

“No, Doc. my mother-in-law sleeps well at night, the sleeping pill was for the day.”

A Day Off

An man goes to see his boss..

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning tomorrow before my mother-in-law arrives for Christmas. My wife needs me to help with cleaning, moving and hauling stuff.”

“COVID has us short-handed,” the boss replies. “I can't afford to give anyone...

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I find obscure laws sexy

And I love to get off on a technicality.

It was stormy weather outside, so I was really surprised to hear the doorbell ring.

The doorbell camera revealed it was my mother in law, completely soaked from the rain, and shivering in the icy wind. Concerned she might catch a cold, I hollered:

“Please, don’t just stand there!

Go home!”

————————————

Disclaimer:

I really appreciate my mot...

Three law students walk into a bar...

...and they all passed!

My mother-in-law moved in with us, I told her to treat the house like it was her own...

so she sold it

What do you call a lawyer that becomes a priest?

A father in law!

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If being sexy is a crime.......

Then I'm a law abiding citizen

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

Mother-in-law

We were vacationing on the east coast at a little seaside cottage and my mother-in-law went missing. I went to the police station and told the constable about the situation and he assured me they would search for her. A few days went by and the constable knocked on the cottage door.
We found you...

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes. Me: I wish for a world without lawyers. Genie: Done, you have no more wishes. Me: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me.

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

A guy in a Law School walks into the Headmaster's office....

He tells the Headmaster, "Sir I have failed my exams, but you have to pass me if you are unable to answer one question that I have. The Headmaster accepted the condition and the guy asked, "Give me a scenario where there is: 1. Something legal but not logical 2. Something logical but not legal 3. So...

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

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Nice dog...

A man was walking down the street when he observed a funeral passing by. The strange procession consisted of two hearses, followed by a man walking a dog. Behind him were about 20 men of all descriptions, marching along in step. The guy watching all of this was so puzzled by the odd parade that h...

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A man is golfing and gets a call from his mother-in-law...

“Steve! Thank God! Sharon’s been in a terrible accident! She’s at the hospital! Drop what you’re doing and get right down there!”

“Oh my God! My poor wife!”

He gets ready to leave and thinks- “I’m on the 17th green and 4 shots under par. She’s really in the best hands. I’ll hurry up ...

My mother in law is Spanish

My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her.

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

What happened to the car that broke the law?

It was incarcerated.

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

Did you hear about the man who was run over by the police?

He was arrested under suspension of law.

I just found out Ireland still has a law against blasphemy.

Jesus Christ!

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

How to get over child labor laws?

It's called "family business" officer

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

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