Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.

It took half a century but Hippies finally won.

There is a law that says you don't have to wear a mask

It's called Natural Selection

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Peter confesses to his friend that he had sex with his sister in law

" Well it was in the evening" says Peter " I dropped by my sister in law's to say hello. Suddenly it started to rain. I hadn't brought an umbrella then. Neither did she have one to lend. The rain was pouring and then it happened.

His friend says" Well if it had happened only once, maybe it'...

Have a daughter named after my mother in law

Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

My grandfather came up to me and asked, “do you know the most famous law firm in the world?”

I said “no, what is it?”

“Dowie Cheetem and Howe.”

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NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Please Pray for my Mother-in-Law.

She has been taken to hospital as a hornet landed on her face.

Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the spade....

I've spend the last 10 years looking for my mother in law's killer...

But nobody will do it!

A teacher asked a student," Tell me the 1st Law of Newton"

"I don't remember the whole line, just the last part"

"Ok tell the last part"

"... and this is called the 1st Law of Newton

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

I was at my father in laws funeral...

when my mother in law walked by.

"I just want to tell you about a place where people park their cars" I said.

"Thank you" She said. "That really means a lot"

Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law?

No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.

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What's the average penis size of law enforcement?

9mm

Dad, are we breaking the law by starting all these fires?

Yes, we arson.

Murphy’s Law : “If there’s any way they can do it wrong, they will”. But Cole’s Law:

“thats just cabbage.”

What do you call a law-abiding Middle Eastern waffle shop that caters to police officers, but tastes horrible?

Awful, awful lawful "Lawful Waffles & Falafels"

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Mother-in-law

We were vacationing on the east coast at a little seaside cottage and my mother-in-law went missing. I went to the police station and told the constable about the situation and he assured me they would search for her. A few days went by and the constable knocked on the cottage door.
We found you...

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I find obscure laws sexy

And I love to get off on a technicality.

My Brother-in-law was addicted to the Hokey Pokey.

It was a rough couple of years but he eventually turned himself around.

Three law students walk into a bar...

...and they all passed!

Women are tho only creature to defy the laws of gravity

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up

I came across 6 men beating up my mother-in-law.

My wife asked, "Aren't you going to help?"



I said, "No, 6 should be enough."

My wife and I have recently moved into my Mother-In-Laws while our house is being renovated...

Being intimate is pretty tricky!

I constantly have to remind her that my Wife is sitting downstairs...

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My neighbor has a son who is a genius. The kid graduated high school at age 13, graduated college magna cum laude at age 15, and graduated from one of the top law schools at age 17. He was admitted to the bar one month later. So, I asked my neighbor what his son's secret was.

He said that his son showed the bouncer his older brother's drivers license.

My mother-in-law moved in with us, I told her to treat the house like it was her own...

so she sold it

A crow was caught recently breaking quarantine laws.

They charged him with attempted murder.

A guy in a Law School walks into the Headmaster's office....

He tells the Headmaster, "Sir I have failed my exams, but you have to pass me if you are unable to answer one question that I have. The Headmaster accepted the condition and the guy asked, "Give me a scenario where there is: 1. Something legal but not logical 2. Something logical but not legal 3. So...

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A wake for my mother-in-law

Two rural gentlemen were chatting. One says, "Say, I noticed a lot of cars at your house on Saturday night. Were you having a party or something?"

"No," responds the second man. "Tragically last week one of my mules kicked my mother in law in the head, and she died suddenly"

"Oh, No!...

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The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

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I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden.

And I'm thinking,


"Who the fuck's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

Trump has violated ethics laws by advertising a can of beans from the Oval Office but he's not worried.

I mean, what are you Goya do about it?

How to get over child labor laws?

It's called "family business" officer

I caught someone keying my mother-in-law's car. Just before he got away I managed to stop him.

I said, "Here, try mine, yours look a bit blunt."

A few years ago I called my mother in law fat and she still resents me for it

I should’ve known that an elephant never forgets.

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

I just found out Ireland still has a law against blasphemy.

Jesus Christ!

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign..

And gets pulled over by an Irish cop. This hotshot sure knows he's better educated and definitely smarter than some random Irish cop. He decides to prove to himself how smart he is while having some fun at the cop.

Irish cop:"License and registration, please."

"What for?", lawyer asks....

HELL EXPLAINED

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
pl...

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please"

But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

You think you can go down to Mexico and do whatever you want? Well I have news for you buddy, Mexico has laws!

That no one follows so go ahead and do your thing.

My mother in law is Spanish

My mother in law is Spanish, so when we named our son 'Muchos' it really meant a lot to her.

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I'm sorry your mother in law is dead

I'm sorry your mother in law is dead he says..how did it happen?

Well it was very unfortunate..she tried to stand up but got dizzy and caught the curtains and ripped them.

oh, thats how she died

no, from the thrust she hit the 65' inch tv and fell on the crystal table.

so...

Coulomb's 4.01st law

If someone throws a high voltage capacitor and yells "catch" it's probably charged.

Law Enforcement

Back in the 80's the government wanted to have a competition to see which branch of law enforcement was most effective. They released 3 rabbits into 3 separate forests and asked the FBI, the CIA, and the LAPD to go find the rabbits. The FBI, after questioning the plants and minerals, determine rabb...

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

What happened to the car that broke the law?

It was incarcerated.

A successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"Welcome to the family!" said the businessman. "To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50% partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operation."

The son-in-law interrupted. "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I se...

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

My sister-in-law accidentally won a beauty pageant for vampire hunters

She's the new Miss Stake.

My father in law said he felt so lucky that his daughter met such a great guy.

But that relationship didn't work out so she settled for me.

I've been searching for three years for my mother-in-law's killer...

...but apparently no one will do it!

Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?

Yeah, he got two consecutive sentences!

Ukrainian mother-in-law joke

The morning after the wedding, the newlywed couple is sitting at the kitchen table when they are joined by the bride's mother. The husband, still slightly drunk from last night, decides that now is the proper time to display his manly authority.

He starts by calmly issuing his demands. "For b...

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

Mother In Law

A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

Kidnapper called my boss after kidnapping his mother in-law..

And said - If you fail to deliver the money, we will release her.

I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.

I would have got first, but the cops beat me to it.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche. Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!”

“You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous!” she replied.

Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.”

“Me too!!” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number!?”

There's a country where all cars are required by law to be rose-colored.

It's a pink car nation.

Godwin's law

Godwin's law states that someone will always correct you on the internet. It also says that the people who correct you will likely be corrected.

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Why does the law society expressly prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

... To prevent the possibility of clients being billed twice for essentially the same service.

If you think you wrote a great letter, add a footnote at the end which explains Ohm’s Law.

Then it’ll be your P.S. de resistance.

You may know Murphy’s law, but have you heard of Coles law?

It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

What’s the hardest thing for an alcoholic law student to do?

Pass the bar

Some law reinforcement have practiced for 20+ years

You'd think they'd have learned by now

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Have you heard of Boyle's Law?

It's a law stating that the pressure of a given mass of an ideal gas is inversely proportional to its volume at a constant temperature.

Now building on top of that, have you ever heard of Cole's Law?

It's a salad dish of raw cabbage, carrots, and other vegetables mixed with mayonnaise

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UK has some weird laws

1. You can join the army at 16. But you can't by call of duty till your 18.
2. You can't vote till your 16 .yet some MPs will Shag you if your under 16.
3. You need parental consent to marry if your under 18. (In England) But can have sex at 16.
4. It is legal to shoot a Scotsman under cer...

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Murphy’s law is about bad luck, Godwin’s law is about Hitler, and ColesLaw is...

Finely sliced cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing

It is important to follow the laws of grammar.

Rules is rules.

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

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3 Law Students walk into a bar

One of them pass. The other two are their associates.

My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.

So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

A man, let's call him Ted, was walking along with his wife, his donkey, and his mother-in-law...

All of a sudden the donkey runs ahead, rears up, kicks and kills his mother-in-law.
At the funeral, Ted's friend Joe noticed that every time Ted is approached by a female Ted nods his head; and every time he is approached by a male he shakes his head, as if to say "no." His curiosity was too muc...

A Man and his wife and mother in law are visiting Isreal but the mother in law dies.

the man whose helping them make the arrangements says.

You have two options

1. Send her back to the states and have her buried their.$5000
2. or you can bury her here $1000

The husband asks "Can we think about it."

The man says absolutely

one day later they c...

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A young naive couple get married NSFW

After the reception they head back to the hotel, get undressed and are simply standing facing each other.

‘This isn’t right’, the husband Dave says, ‘Let me call my dad’.

His dad tells him he’s an idiot and all he needs to do it stick the hardest part of his body into where she pisses....

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

An older man and a 16-year-old girl were alone in a room...

The man had initially agreed to the meeting, but he was having some serious second thoughts. He knew what they were planning to do was illegal, and could land him in some serious trouble.

Man: I don't know, I'm not sure if I should. I mean, your parents would kill me if they found out. I know...

Love Dress

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She
rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was
playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm wa...

A friend of mine graduated from law school but became and alcoholic and never got to be a lawyer...

...he just couldn't pass the bar.

A man, his wife and mother in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them,

"You can have her shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Wh...

What do you say when someone is in denial about the laws of refractions?

Snell's like teen spirit

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut...

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

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An Italian Funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walki...

What do you get when you cross a policeman with a skunk?

Law and odor.

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester

According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

According to actual laws of physics, you do NOT need a parachute to go skydiving.

However, you do need one to go skydiving twice.

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My sister-in-law was pissed when she saw me tickling my nephew's legs

She screamed something like " wait till he is born".

Why do melons hate modern laws?

Because they cantaloupe.

This is a joke from a dream last night, apperantly my brain conjured it up on the spot... let's see how well it works

John, a young farmer, was engaged and would soon be wed to a young woman from a nearby town. One day, his soon-to-be father-in-law stopped by for a chat.

“John,” he said, “I have a secret. I am actually a powerful genie! And since you seem like a nice young man, I will grant you three wishes ...

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A guy takes up a new job.

On Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, ‘I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’

The boss asks the foreman about him and he replies, ‘He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.’
...

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I can't watch erotic law enforcement videos without snacks.

I need popcorn for my cop porn.

What’s the difference between bad luck and extreme bad luck?

Bad luck is when your mother-in-law falls into a river.


Extreme bad luck is when someone saves her.

Two men were sitting at a train station sobbing...

One asked the other why he’s crying, to which he said “because my wife just left to visit my in-laws.”

Then that man asked, “why are you crying, though?”

To which the gentleman responded, “because my wife is about to come back from visiting my in-laws.”


*roughly translate...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

Murphy’s Law states that...

if you don’t know something, the best way to find out is not to ask a question, but to post the wrong answer on the internet claiming to be right and wait on someone to correct you!

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

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A Jew is riding in a streetcar in Germany during the early days of the Third Reich.

He is reading reading a Nazi newspaper, the Volkische Beobachter. A non-Jewish acquaintance sits down next to him and says, "Why on earth are you reading that garbage? It’s so virulently anti-Semitic!” “Look, friend," says the Jew, "I get up early and work hard in a factory all day. When I get home,...

My physics professor took an entire class to lecture us about Cole’s law

Turns out, it’s just thinly sliced cabbage

What's the difference between Smart Criminals and Dumb Criminals?

Dumb Criminals break laws



Smart Criminals make laws

Scientists annoy me, they’re always going on about Boyle’s Law and Archimedes’ Law.

One came up to me and said: “If you had an apple which experiences no net force, then its velocity is constant: the apple is either at rest, or it moves in a straight line with constant speed – Newton’s Law”

So I said “Here’s one for you: If you have an apple, a carrot, a cabbage, mayonnaise ...

What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?

Not enough cement

This is dedicated to the late Les Dawson and his Mother-in-Law gags. I just bought my mother-in-law an electric chair. Now, you might say that was cruel of me...

...but you should have seen the way her eyes lit up.

Did I tell you I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower?

I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.

A bus driver was heading down a street. He went right past a stop sign without stopping. Next he turned left where there was a "no-left turn" sign. Finally he went the wrong way down a one-way street. He didn't break any traffic laws. How?

He was walking.

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

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Oh, how nice (A joke from my 96 year old great-grandmother-in-law)

Two women are in the hospital. Their labor has started, but not progressed enough for delivery, so they are in a room waiting together.

"Is this your first child?" says the older woman.

"No," says the younger woman. "I have another."

"I have three." Continues the older woman. "A...

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I told my sister in law I was telekinetic and could move things without touching then and she bet me it wouldn’t work on her breasts

and oh boy was she right

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

My mother in-law is so old

that she has an autograph copy of the Bible.

Why did the postdoctoral law student cross the road?

To drop his resume off at the other restaurant.

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