I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

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Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the younger brother what he wanted to eat.



The younger brother replied "I want some Frosted Flakes, bitch."



The mother stood silent for a moment, and then smacked the boy on the back of the head. She turned to the older ...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

I was fighting overseas

She wanted B's but I said it wouldn't hurt to upgrade

How would you write “I changed a light bulb” on your resume?

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and zero safety incidents.

Just got my hotel room upgraded for free.

Suite!

In 2020 I’m going to try to upgrade from a HD to a 4K TV

It’s my New Years resolution.

I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning.

I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.

I'm looking to upgrade my mattress.

I just want something bedder

I asked the terminator why he didn’t upgrade to Windows 10

He said I still love vista baby

If I had $ for every time I heard about net neutrality

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A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

I was on a plane, and my wife wouldn't stop pestering me to get an upgrade.

It took some time, but eventually I got a better wife.

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There was a youth who lived in Russia.

He was orphaned at the young age of 5. He only had one mother, Mother Russia. With no one to take care of him, he was left to fend for himself. He was poor and worked in the coal mines, to earn a mediocre salary to last him a day or two.

One day after a hard day at work, he walked down a si...

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

I recently upgraded to an iPhone X

What can I say? It’s a top notch phone

Today I decided to upgrade my Mac...

...so I threw a big slice of cheese on it.

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Upgrading From BoyFriend To Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawless...

The breakfast at this hotel is the bomb.

I upgraded from the Continental Breakfast to the intercontinental ballistic missile breakfast.

The guy installing the new security system said we should upgrade because of the increasing crime rate.

Typical alarmist.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Someone upgraded to Windows 10 and wasn't satisfied.

[After I upgraded, my mouse cursor was on the left side of the screen but my mouse was in the middle of my mouse pad.] (http://www.reddit.com/r/Windows10/comments/3ewv57/just_upgraded_to_this_windows_10_and_im_pretty/ctj4yl4)

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A guy inherits a fortune...

A guy inherits a fortune and goes on a massive spending spree: Ferraris, yachts, private jets, the works.

He upgrades his wardrobe and goes to the most exclusive shops for bespoke outfits. When it comes time to get shoes, he wants something a little different.

The salesman shows him a ...

A husband commends his wife

A husband compliments his wife on the upgrades she did to the house. He says, "I am especially impressed with the automation of the bathroom".

He continues, "Last night, I woke up for a midnight tinkle and when I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on automatically. After finishing my ...

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky...

LPT: Always read product reviews before buying electronics

Like a lot of people, I’ve been drawn in by Amazon to check out their prime day deals. I was browsing through the electronics earlier, looking for a new flash drive for transferring documents between my home and work computers. The primary one I use currently is only USB 2.0 and I figured it might ...

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.

The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."

"Well, how old will your bride be?"

"She'll be 23 when she ...

What do you call a website without net neutrality?

<Please upgrade to Reddit Gold Package™ to read this post>

Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

There is no I in team

But there is an EA so you can pay $2.99 for the teamwork upgrade.

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

There was once this farmer who was obsessed with tractors.

And this farmer was really into them. He constantly upgraded his own, borrowed and lent multiple ones and bought and sold a lot.
But one day, he fell off his tractor while it was running, and it crushed his leg to bits.
After this, he was furious. He sold his tractor and told himself to never ...

A man walks into a bar...

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An engineer dies...

An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life.

"I'll take i...

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How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

For all the people talking completely overblowing the net neutrality issue, I just want to say

THIS IS A PREMIUM JOKE
--------------------------
IN ORDER TO VIEW THIS JOKE
CONTACT YOUR ISP TO
UPGRADE YOUR SERVICE

Starting at just: $60.00/month

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

Did you hear the joke about Net Neutrality?

Sorry, your current internet package does not support punchlines. Please upgrade to the higher end package.

I have ADHD

How do I upgrade to AD4K?

Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that hoe you had earlier.

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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.

At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon ...

A farmer has 3 bulls...

When 1 day he decides too upgrade his herd with a new bull. The other 3 bulls hear this.

Bull #1 says " I have at least 100 head of cows that are mine and Im not going to share any of them with the new bull."

Bull #2 says " I've got 50 cows that are mine. Im not sharing either."
...

Three men walk in to a bar. One of them is wearing a hat

Oops!

Your current data plan doesnt cover this feature. Click here to upgrade.

The Head Teacher

Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils....

I would say that the Canadian immigration website will crash again...

But it’s blocked, unless you upgrade to the Tourism Package™ for just $4.99 a month!

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's r...

iPhone 7 is revolutionary!

•no headphones jack
•no wireless charging
•no curved screen
•no 4K resolution (or even full HD) screen
•no VR headset support
•no 360 camera support
•no expansion storage slot

It is true revolution in scamming people to upgrade from old iPhones!

My blonde girlfriend and her Windows

My girlfriend who happens to be blonde has still not upgraded her PC to Windows 10 but still continues to use version 7. When I ask her why, she just changes the subject.

Finally I convince her to do the update, and then she calls me quite upset and says, "Honey, where the hell is the 'any' ...

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A Pope Joke,..

Pope Benny Ratzinger was out on Romes high street looking for a replacement Popemobile.The old one was getting long in the tooth and way past its prime. John Paul had never take service and oil change stickers seriously.

Now this is before all the austerity stuff was really kicking in,and h...

What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?

A free upgrade

How many I.T. workers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none, just upgrade to windows

There once was a cheerio...

There once was a cheerio who lived on plain cheerio island. He lived his life working 16 hours, 7 days a week, trying just to make ends meet. But all of this was pointless; he was not going anywhere in life. He would never end up with the prosperous cheerios on Frosted Cheerio island - or so he thou...

Some Arnie jokes

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She'll be back.

__

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

__

A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to ma...

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What Luck!

Boarding an airplane, a young fellow was very excited he'd been upgraded to First Class and he'd never flown in First Class. As he settled down for a long flight he notices that Beyoncé was sitting right next to him! After a rough storm, the plane came crashing down into the ocean. All passengers w...

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