Upgrade Jokes - 66 Hilarious Upgrade Jokes

Abraham asked Issac to upgrade his home computer

Issac reviewed the system and stated "Forgive me, Father but the system just doesn't seem to have enough memory."

and Abraham said "My son, God will provide the RAM."

Why didn't the terminator upgrade to windows 10?

I asked him and he said, "I still love vista, baby!"

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I think it's about time I upgraded my car's navigation system.

I couldn't use it last night, as the fucking stars weren't out.

Trying to upgrade the McRib sandwich

A chef at the McDonald's test kitchen walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Kind of bummed out today," the chef tells the bartender. "I've spend weeks trying to create a beef version of the McRib, and we just can't come up with anything that works." "Well, I hope you've learned from your McSteaks," t...

Little Johnny wants a computer upgrade

Little Johnny was complaining to his mom that he needs a new computer, because the graphics aren't as clear as his friend's.

His mom looked at the monitor and said, it'll take her 10 minutes to upgrade the computer.

Johnny laughed. Mom could barely change a light bulb, but she was goin...

Infidelity upgraded

A couple in the Philippines is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary. When their guests left, they started talking privately.

Husband: It's been 25 years since we exchanged our vows. Was there a time that you cheated on me?

Wife: My guilt haunts me, but now I'm willing to confess....

What do you call Cupid’s arrow when he upgrades to a crossbow?

A lover’s quarrel

My friend and I bumped into Arnold Schwarzenegger. As fans we asked a lot of questions and ended up asking if he's going to upgrade to Windows 11...

He said, "I still love Vista, baby!"

I'm looking to upgrade my mattress.

I just want something bedder

Just got my hotel room upgraded for free.

Suite!

I was checking in a hotel, and the guy at reception told me that my room was upgraded.

I said, “Sweet!”

Reception guy: Exactly Sir.

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:

Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

Today I decided to upgrade my Mac...

...so I threw a big slice of cheese on it.

I really need to upgrade my knowledge about a particular herb.

It's about thyme.

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Upgrading From BoyFriend To Husband

INSTALLING HUSBAND!!!
A woman writes to the IT Technical support.....
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawless...

I recently upgraded to an iPhone X

What can I say? It’s a top notch phone

In 2020 I’m going to try to upgrade from a HD to a 4K TV

It’s my New Years resolution.

I was on a plane, and my wife wouldn't stop pestering me to get an upgrade.

It took some time, but eventually I got a better wife.

(A joke I wrote myself) A Russian man walks through the streets of Moscow.

As he passes by the headquarters of a major company, he notices a poor man in decrepit clothes standing by the building, seemingly waiting for something, looking at the sky. "Another poor crazy weirdo", he thinks. He keeps on walking.

The next day, he passes near another company's HQ, and see...

Someone upgraded to Windows 10 and wasn't satisfied.

[After I upgraded, my mouse cursor was on the left side of the screen but my mouse was in the middle of my mouse pad.] (http://www.reddit.com/r/Windows10/comments/3ewv57/just_upgraded_to_this_windows_10_and_im_pretty/ctj4yl4)

I just upgraded the office network after-hours and left home for the day. I haven't heard anything from the employees who started work this morning.

I guess you could say I've created Schrödinger's network - until I go there I won't know whether everything's working, or if they're cut off from the outside world.

The guy installing the new security system said we should upgrade because of the increasing crime rate.

Typical alarmist.

Yo mama's so fat...

...she has to upgrade her data plan every time she sends a selfie.

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

Someone should make a movie about an old robot who needs a software upgrade so it can learn about LOVE.

You could call it, 'The 40-Year-Old Version'.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

Yo momma so fat...

Yo mamma so fat... She upgraded to exFAT.

I'm trying to convince my wife to upgrade our yard so I wanted to show her on my chromecast people having fun on terraces so I yelled "Hey google, show me a movie of a wife enjoying a big deck with her friends" but I think google misheard me.

I just made it up after a couple of glasses

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10.

Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

An engineer dies...

An engineer dies and stands before St. Peter at the gates of heaven. After going through all his records, St. Peter finds that the man must go to hell. The engineer complains, as he's always been loyal to his wife and friends, never stolen, and always tried to lead a good life.

"I'll take i...

Breaking news!

The Russian flagship Moskva has been upgraded to a submarine!

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How do you know if a Chinese person robs your house?

Your homework is done, your computer is upgraded, but two hours later, the fucker is still trying to back out of your driveway.

How do you make a Holy Computer?

You upgrade the hell out of it!

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If Microsoft made cars.

Disclaimer: This Joke was made in the 1990's in response to comments that if the automobile industry kept pace with Silicone Valley cars would be much more advanced. The origin is the Mid 1990's
However at close retrospect some of this now happens.

At a computer expo (...

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...

Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

If I had $ for every time I heard about net neutrality

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Do you want to know why I called your girlfriend a tractor?

Because she's an upgrade to that hoe you had earlier.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”

“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.

Leaders from all over the world applied the proposals on the paper and in a month everyone starts living a bett...

What do you call a website without net neutrality?

Hillary Clinton is the Windows 10 of the election

She's terrible at keeping your information safe, keeps promising new upgrades but really has been the same OS since 98, and is constantly trying to install herself when you're happy with the system you've been using for the last 8 years.

A man walks into a bar...

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Bobby Kotick walks into a bar

and orders an 18 year old whiskey.

The bartender pours him a 1 year old whiskey.

Kotick says, "But I ordered 18 year old whiskey!"

The bartender says, "To get 18 year old whiskey, you have to pay the farming fee, the harvesting fee and the aging fee. You also have to purchase a...

There is no I in team

But there is an EA so you can pay $2.99 for the teamwork upgrade.

Did you hear the joke about Net Neutrality?

Sorry, your current internet package does not support punchlines. Please upgrade to the higher end package.

"Hello, you here to talk to me about Dinosaurs?"

Answer the door and see that its a sale man from an internet service provider. They have stopped at my house ten times in the last year to tell me about the digging in my area and I decided to have some fun with them today. Here is the conversation from today:

Me: Hello, you here to talk to m...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

Christmas Cheer

Just texted my Girlfriend to see if she was coming over tonight after her family Christmas celebration.

She texted, "Let me guess, Netflix and chill."

I responded, "No baby, I upgraded to Disney Plus and Thrust"

Cohen Nails

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefited from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.
<...

Three men walk in to a bar. One of them is wearing a hat

Oops!

Your current data plan doesnt cover this feature. Click here to upgrade.

I would say that the Canadian immigration website will crash again...

But it’s blocked, unless you upgrade to the Tourism Package™ for just $4.99 a month!

What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?

A free upgrade

A man sees an ad in the paper

The ad reads "Guaranteed program to help you get fit!"

The man thinks to himself "you know, I can stand to lose a few pounds" and calls the number. A man answers the phone and says "thank you for contacting us. We offer 3 plans. The first is our lightest plan and the third is our most intens...

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

iPhone 7 is revolutionary!

•no headphones jack
•no wireless charging
•no curved screen
•no 4K resolution (or even full HD) screen
•no VR headset support
•no 360 camera support
•no expansion storage slot

It is true revolution in scamming people to upgrade from old iPhones!

A cheerio walks into his boss's office...

And he says to his boss, “Boss, I want to be more delicious than a plain old Cheerio.” The boss shuffles his papers around a bit, and replies. “Okay, I tell you what. If you go out and work for a year, I’ll upgrade you to a Honey Nut Cheerio.” The Cheerio thinks on it, and quickly agrees. He goes ou...

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

A husband commends his wife

A husband compliments his wife on the upgrades she did to the house. He says, "I am especially impressed with the automation of the bathroom".

He continues, "Last night, I woke up for a midnight tinkle and when I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on automatically. After finishing my ...

An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.

The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."

"Well, how old will your bride be?"

"She'll be 23 when she ...

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Amazon Prime X

The other day, I was browsing Amazon. I love popcorn and had found this incredible, stainless steel popcorn machine. I already have Amazon prime so it's quick and it's free shipping.

At the checkout, there is an upgrade button. Curious, I wanted to see what it was since I already have Amazon ...

Some Arnie jokes

My wife has just left me for Arnold Schwarzenegger.

She'll be back.

__

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.

He replied, "I still love Vista, baby".

__

A movie production company desperately needs a new idea. They decide to ma...

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Two Young Brothers Wanted to be Cool

I heard this joke at a jazz concert of all places, but it cracked me up:

Two brothers, 9 and 11, realized one day that they had never said a curse word and decided that in order to fit in, they had to upgrade their dirty vocabulary.

The next morning at breakfast, their mother asked the...

My blonde girlfriend and her Windows

My girlfriend who happens to be blonde has still not upgraded her PC to Windows 10 but still continues to use version 7. When I ask her why, she just changes the subject.

Finally I convince her to do the update, and then she calls me quite upset and says, "Honey, where the hell is the 'any' ...

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I used to have a problem watching internet pornography...

but then I upgraded from dial-up to a cable modem.

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