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A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses...

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said: "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Psychology Professor: “Who here has heard of Pavlov?”

Me: “Rings a bell”

I always cheated on my psychology tests...

I don't know what that says about me.

I was at university for a lesson today, and my psychology lecturer asked us what makes a terrorist tick.

Apparently, "a bomb" was not the right answer.

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

When it becomes available, please refrain from purchasing it.

I spent four years at college and didn't learn anything...

It's really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.

I'm studying the psychology of procrastination.

Or I will be tomorrow anyway

I watched a video on psychology from the end

I learned about reverse psychology

I remember learning about Pavlov’s law in psychology class and thinking “those stupid dogs...”

Then the bell rang and we all went to lunch

So a guy asked a girl in a library

A guy asked a girl in a library: Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU! All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and sa...

I didn’t learn a thing in university

I elected to get a major in psychology and minor in reverse-psychology.

A mathematician and a physicist are given no food for 24 hours as a part of a psychology experiment.

After the 24 hours, both of them are placed on one end of a room, with a steaming plate of food on the other side.

The psychologist explains, “Every five minutes, you will be moved halfway across the room, until you reach the food.”

The mathematician is furious and says, “This is ridic...

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Two psychology professors have lunch together...

One said: "Oh boy, something really embarassing happened to me today - I had a Freudian slip today in lecture. I wanted to tell my students 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Pavlov'. Instead I accidentally said 'read chapter 14 on Ivan Fuckloaf'"

"Oh well", said the other, "that's nothing. I was havin...

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Psychology Definitions....

* A psychologist is a person who tells you what everybody knows in a language nobody can understand.
* The superego is that part of the personality soluble in alcohol, or the superego is that small inner voice that warns us that someone may be looking.
* A neurotic is a person who has di...

Southern University Psychology Joke

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. “Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “what is the opposite of joy?” “Sadness,” said the student. “And the opposite of depression?” he ...

I’m a psychology student and I love it

I guess it’s true that if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life

I once knew an axeman who was great at psychology

He could really get inside your head

One day in a well known university

One day in a well known university, a senior psychology professor started his class on a very serious topic. The moment he turned towards the blackboard, one of the students whistled. He turned, looked at the class and asked the whistler's name. As usual and as expected no one answered.

The p...

I'm a scientist studying the effect of bestiality on animal psychology.

If you have any questions, you can find me in my lab.

My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have...

Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

I wanted to major in reverse psychology.

My dream school turned me down.

So I wrote them back and told them I wasn't even interested in their stupid program. They sent me a diploma.

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A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

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The Psychology Student

A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.

The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered "When I get out of here I am going to be...

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.

I don't have a job but at least I know why.

PSYCHOLOGY WORK

A doctor of Psychology was doing his normal morning rounds. He enters a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he...

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

I thought reverse psychology was when..

you made your therapist cry

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A professor gives his psychology class a pop quiz. . .

One question he asks is, "What part of the human anatomy may expand up to ten times under certain circumstances?" He picks a rather overdressed girl in the front row to answer it. "Miss Callahan!" The indicated girl, who heard the question, stammers with some embarrassment: "Professor, I'd rather no...

A girl tells her parents she's going to major in psychology

"Hey mom! Hey dad! I'm gonna study a real science! PSYCH!"

Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias?

The head researcher was quoted as saying "it turned out to be just as we expected".

I have a double major in Psychology and Geography.

I lead the field in research on glacial depressions.

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The Psychology Professor's Costume Party

An psychology professor at an esteemed university decided to have a costume party for his birthday. Every student was invited but would only be let in if they were dressed as an emotion. This confused but intrigued his class as they were all very astute and eager to party.

The night of th...

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My friend's a psychology major.

He's writing his thesis on the psychology of sexual fetishes. It's not ready yet, though- he still has some kinks to work out.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

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A guy goes to a bar

He notices a cute college age girl and goes up to chat with her

She promptly yells out “NO! I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU!”

Not sure on what to do the guy walks away after all the odd stares. A little while after the girl comes up and apologizes. She said she takes psychology and w...

Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.

"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.

"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."

"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."

"Thanks. I'll put it in my colleg...

A man finds a lamp in the sand . . .

He rubs it and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

Now the man is smart, so he knows that the genie will twist his wishes around on him. He's also depressed, so he doesn't mind *too* much if things go really bad. So he decides to se if he can use some reverse psychology on the genie....

I didnt learn anything in college...

I guess it was kind of my fault though. I double majored in psychology, and reverse psychology.

(Stolen from BJ Novak)

A lot of people think Sigmund Frued is a hack.

And yes, some of his theories were proven wrong but the work he did made the field of psychology so famous he should never be forgotten. They just go hand in hand, you cant have one without the mother,

A true story recounted by Heinz R. Pagels in The Dreams of Reason

> Back in the early 1960s a major psychology conference was held on behavior. Researchers presented paper after paper on the learning behavior of rats - how they ran mazes with their brains monitored electronically or rats on drugs and so on. Then someone presented a paper on human behavior. In t...

I got in trouble for using performance enhancing drugs

I took a placebo before my psychology exam

A shy guy walks into a bar...

... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:

-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?

Afterwards, the girl screams:

-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!

Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to...

A hilly billy wants to become a journalist.

So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree. For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on "Happy Times." He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sittin on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly ag...

A boy goes to sit beside a girl in library.

A boy looks around in library to find a girl sitting alone. He goes to her and says, "Can I sit beside you?"

She replies loudly, "I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the library looks at the boy in shock. He slows moves to another table quite embarrassed.

A few minut...

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

My doctor tried treating me with ygolohcysp

But reverse psychology doesn't work on me

I lost my job at the suicide hotline.

Apparently reverse psychology isn't very well accepted.

How physicists see other sciences:

Biology: squishy physics
Geology: slow physics
Computer Science: virtual physics
Psychology: people physics
Chemistry: impure physics
Math: physics minus the units

A man, his wife, and his son are having dinner....

when their son refuses to eat the broccoli on his plate. His mother attempts to convince him to eat it, but to no avail.
The father suddenly says, "Don't worry, I've got this."
He stares at the child and says,
"!iloccorb ruoy taE"
His son then proceeds to casually eat his vegetables....

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "You come here a lot; are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders this for a moment and says, "I don't think I am."
POOF! The horse disappears.

At this point, a psychology student would begin to snicker because he knows about the Descartes postulate, "I think therefore I ...

Did you hear about the octopus who works as a therapist? (nsfw)

He studied at Harvard medical school, graduated top of his class in behavioral psychology, and received his PHD with honours. The octopus has published many papers, and receives referrals from other doctors for patients suffering from depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. He is also highly rega...

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Death Jokes for a homework assignment?

I'm taking a psychology of death and dying class, and one of the assignments is to dig up some jokes about death, dead people, dying, etc. Whatever you post here will probably make it into my paper. Anything you can think of will help and I'll probably end up laughing my ass off reading through here...

A group of researchers were interested in studying...

...some of the complex effects of stereotype threat in test-taking situations. Stereotype threat is a social psychology theory that states an individual may experience anxiety when they have the potential to confirm a negative stereotype, thus adversely affecting their performance on a test. For exa...

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Freud's response

Freud comes back from the dead, and asks the first person he sees if he knows who he is.

The man replies: "No, I do not."

Freud says: "why, I am the great Sigmund Freud. I am the father of modern psychology, I have made great advancements in studying the human psyche!"

Man repli...

A man walks into a library and says...

..."I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology."

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Final exam

My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

After the chuckling died down,...

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A man's best friend

A man decides to get a mascot and heads to the pet store. He began to walk up and down the aisles looking at the different animals available but found fault with each. Dogs needed to be walked constantly. Cats are loners. Ferrets smell. Fish are boring. Snakes are, well, snakes. After roaming around...