Did you hear about the kettle explosion?

Luckily, there were no casual-teas.

R.I.P. to water boiling in a kettle

you'll be mist.

Was on the phone to my blonde wife, "I'm near home now, put the kettle on."

After a long pause I said, "Are you still there love?"

"Ummm yeah!!! I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now." she said.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

My friend tries hard to be politically correct

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African American

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle

I said, would you sell me a kettle?

He said Kenwood?

I said great, what times he in?

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

I asked my wife to put the kettle on

She said "No, It doesn't fit me"

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

I just won a water fight against some kids in the park

No one's a match for me and my kettle

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

I call my kettle Jim Carey,

because it brews-all-my-tea.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that to make a perfect cup of tea, you should agitate the bag

...so I slapped her on the arse and said, "pop the kettle on, fatty".

The kids next door challenged me to a waterfight

Just scrolling through Reddit as I wait for the kettle to boil.

This corona virus is really pulling the country together.

I'm currently having a water fight with my neighbour who's a Manchester United fan. Just waiting for the kettle to boil.

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids…

Popped on here while I waited for the kettle to boil.

A man walks into a bar and sees a man with a big orange head...

... and says to the bartender “Hey man, do you know what’s with that guy over there?” The bartender replies “Who, the one with the big orange head? Buy him a drink and he’ll tell you.”

The man, lets call him Harry, walks up to the man with the big orange head and says “Hey, do you want me to ...

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

How do you make holy water?

Pour water into a kettle and boil the hell out of it.

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

Poor John...

John wakes up on Monday morning and feels horrible, so he heads to the doctor. The doctor tells him he has two years to live unless he can find a rare wriggly wiggly worm found in Africa.

So he flies over to deepest darkest Africa and searches for 4 months till he finds and collects some wrig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel kettles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

I’m the undefeated champion of water fights in my neighbourhood.

Nothing beats the kettle

My friend once accused me of boiling my pets

To prove to him that this simply wasn't the case I showed him my hamster, Hamish, alive and well. He then said 'what about the incident with nemo?'

I said don't be ridiculous, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mou...

So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting clichés...

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!

Froggy Wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes, The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but i faile...

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