UPJOKE
stoveboilerboilingpotkitchencauldronhollowtimpanistewteapotwokbarbecuejugcookercasserole

R.I.P. to water boiling in a kettle

you'll be mist.

The neighbourhood kids just invited me to a waterfight!

I'm just submitting this post while the kettle boils.

Was on the phone to my blonde wife, "I'm near home now, put the kettle on."

After a long pause I said, "Are you still there love?"

"Ummm yeah!!! I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now." she said.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

I've just had a water fight with the kids in my street

I won! No one is a match for me and my kettle

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

I asked my wife to put the kettle on

She said "No, It doesn't fit me"

Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle

I said, would you sell me a kettle?

He said Kenwood?

I said great, what times he in?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

I call my kettle Jim Carey,

because it brews-all-my-tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

How to win a waterfight:

Step 1: boil the kettle

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel room kettles.

My friend tries hard to be politically correct

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African American

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids…

Popped on here while I waited for the kettle to boil.

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that to make a perfect cup of tea, you should agitate the bag

...so I slapped her on the arse and said, "pop the kettle on, fatty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

Poor John...

John wakes up on Monday morning and feels horrible, so he heads to the doctor. The doctor tells him he has two years to live unless he can find a rare wriggly wiggly worm found in Africa.

So he flies over to deepest darkest Africa and searches for 4 months till he finds and collects some wrig...

Maths....

A room contains a stove; one burner is red-hot already. A kettle full of cold water is on the floor. The engineer and the mathematician were both asked “How would you make the water boil?” and both said “Put the kettle on the red-hot burner.”

Now there’s a table in the room also, and the kett...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

How do you make holy water?

Pour water into a kettle and boil the hell out of it.

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mou...

I’m the undefeated champion of water fights in my neighbourhood.

Nothing beats the kettle

So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting clichés...

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.