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Kettle Jokes

R.I.P. to water boiling in a kettle

you'll be mist.

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A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

I ordered a new SMART kettle…

It whistles when it’s done.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Was on the phone to my blonde wife, "I'm near home now, put the kettle on."

After a long pause I said, "Are you still there love?"

"Ummm yeah!!! I don't think the kettle wants to talk right now." she said.

I asked my wife to put the kettle on

She said "No, It doesn't fit me"

Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle

I said, would you sell me a kettle?

He said Kenwood?

I said great, what times he in?

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Life Lessons in the Outback

Bruce has been lost in the Australian Outback for three days and the combination of heat, exhaustion and thirst is close to killing him.

Unable to take another step, he collapses face first in the dirt, ready to meet his maker.

Unexpectedly he wakes to find himself staring into the fac...

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

LPT: Turn the kettle on before going to the bathroom for #2.

Now you have something interesting to listen to while you play on your phone for the next 30 minutes.

I call my kettle Jim Carey,

because it brews-all-my-tea.

I got stabbed at the flea market.

I thought it would be fun to take my son to the flea market to see the wide array of commodities being sold.

"Oh, look! There's an ice cream man!" My boy exclaimed. So we walked up to the ice cream booth and I said: "Hey there ice cream man!". And then we ordered a couple cones.

Next...

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

Neighbour.

Me and my neighbour are always arguing, so I said to him, we have to sort this out once and for all.

He suggested a friendly water fight so no one gets injured..

Perfect, I said, just waiting for the kettle to boil.

The neighbourhood kids just invited me to a waterfight!

I'm just submitting this post while the kettle boils.

Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids…

Popped on here while I waited for the kettle to boil.

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

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You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel room kettles.

How to win a waterfight:

Step 1: boil the kettle

My friend tries hard to be politically correct

Talk about the pot calling the kettle African American

M: in the orchestra, there is a place for everyone.

F: What if they are completely tone deaf.

M: Easy, give them 2 sticks and put them in back with the kettles.

F: But what if they have no sense of rhythm?

M: Even easier, take away one stick and make them stand in the front.

Maths....

A room contains a stove; one burner is red-hot already. A kettle full of cold water is on the floor. The engineer and the mathematician were both asked “How would you make the water boil?” and both said “Put the kettle on the red-hot burner.”

Now there’s a table in the room also, and the kett...

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag

So I poke the Mrs and say "Put the kettle on fatty".

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

My friend once accused me of boiling my pets

To prove to him that this simply wasn't the case I showed him my hamster, Hamish, alive and well. He then said 'what about the incident with nemo?'

I said don't be ridiculous, that's a whole different kettle of fish.

So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting clichés...

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mou...

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An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

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Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

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There's this young lady looking for a place to stay.

There's this young lady looking for a place to stay. She doesn't know anyone in town so she's browsing the small ads.

All the rooms for rent are way out of her league. She's just a young student and she doesn't have that kind of money. Finally she sees an advert for a room that she thinks she...

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