A man died due to his obsession of taking photos of himself next to a boiling kettle

He had serious selfie steam issues.

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kettle is like sex.

It gets louder the hotter it is.

Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle

I said, would you sell me a kettle?

He said Kenwood?

I said great, what times he in?

So my boyfriend's kettle has boiled dry all the water inside and he said "RIP water..."

"You will be mist."

Why did the angry kettle feel calm after he was scammed?

He just had to let off some steam

I had to say goodbye to the water in my kettle.

It will be mist.

I asked my wife to put the kettle on

She said "No, It doesn't fit me"

A tub, pail, can, basket, canister, vat, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, and bowl.

I needed to make a bucket list before I die.

I call my kettle Jim Carey,

because it brews-all-my-tea.

My kettle sounds like thunder and rain.

I think a storm is brewing.

The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight...

I'm just posting while I wait for the kettle to boil!

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

I was on the phone with my wife

"I'm nearly home dear, can you put the kettle on for me?"

After 30 seconds of silence, I said "Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yes" she replied, "I don't think the kettle wants to talk to you right now"

Had a water balloon fight with some of the kids in my neighbourhood today. I won!

No one is a match for me and my kettle.

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

The neighbor’s children challenged me to a water fight

I’m just checking reddit quickly before the kettle boils

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what really boils my piss?

Hotel kettles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gadgets.

One day little Tim's teacher asked the class to bring a gadget from home and then each one would stand up in class and explain what it was.

Next day comes over and class begins.

First to go was Anne.

Teacher: What did you bring to class Anne?

Anne: I brought a kettle. I...

How do you make holy water?

Pour water into a kettle and boil the hell out of it.

I’m the undefeated champion of water fights in my neighbourhood.

Nothing beats the kettle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My most prized possession is a genuine traditional coffee pot hand crafted in an artisanal workshop on the slopes of a Mexican volcano.

It’s a proper Popocatepetl kettle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station.

After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, "Earthling! Take me to your leader!"

The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded, "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remai...

Coffee drinking trio

3 friends are bragging about their coffee drinking habits.

1st: I take it dark, thick and black. It's so strong, the spoon stands upright in my cup when I stir it.

2nd: big deal, at least you use a cup. I pour it directly from the kettle into my mouth.

3rd: yeah? We'll I don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that to make the perfect cup of tea you should agitate the bag.

So I slapped her on the bum and said, "put the kettle on, fatty".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman asks for her neighbor's parrot..

An old woman was chatting with her next door neighbor, and when he mentioned that he was going away to college and could not take his parrot with him, she asked him what he would do with the bird.
"Ah, I'll give 'em to the pet store. Somebody else's problem."
Well this just would not do for t...

Poor John...

John wakes up on Monday morning and feels horrible, so he heads to the doctor. The doctor tells him he has two years to live unless he can find a rare wriggly wiggly worm found in Africa.

So he flies over to deepest darkest Africa and searches for 4 months till he finds and collects some wrig...

Trump calls Comey "a crazy, nut job"

Reports Pot-Kettle magazine

Chaos Theory

Two friends are chatting in a pub.

- Have you heard that Mike died yesterday?

-- Oh no! What happened to him?

- He was about to pass our house driving his car when he crashed into a parking car on the side of the road, broke through the wind shield, flown through straight in our...

Joke on the stackexchange website (You'll only understand it if you have asked queries on the stackexchange sites)

I was trying to boil an egg and noticed some eggs cracking. So I posted the following question in the stackexchange (cooking) website

"how do you boil eggs without cracking them?"

I got the following response comment with 0 answers:

> Mod here. This is a cooking website and ...

The Toaster leads the Kitchen Appliances on Strike. [LONG]

I looked around the kitchen in exasperation.

"We have will be heard! We have a voice! We have rights!"

"Umm, no you don't." I said to the speaker, "you're literally a wok."

"Well that may be, but we will not be abused any longer!"

A chorus of "Yeah," "You tell 'im!" and "...

Inspection

While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the pot and took a large mou...

So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting clichés...

Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!

Froggy Wishes

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes, The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but i faile...

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