I heard the Mint stopped making coins...

It just doesn’t make cents

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday

So shespends $ 15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happ...

I worked at the U.S.Mint because it was the only job close by

I didn't have a car, it was just the only thing that made cents at the time.

A friend of mine lost his job in the mint factory

His wife went absolutely menthol

My friend kept trying to balance mints on his foot

Turns out he was playing tic tac toe

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I made a million dollars in October, it's now mid-November and I'm fucking broke.

I hate working at he Mint.

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

What were the British man’s final words as he was about to be executed in China?

“Is it really THAT bloody hard to ask for tea and a mint square?”

In the past I could get into a store with a penny and came out with 2 coke cans, 1 bag of chips and some mints, but not anymore...

...the store put cameras today.

Have you heard about the new mints?

They’re real ICE BREAKERS

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A teacher was working with a group of children,

trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored ...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

A very smooth talking cow

Grazed in a pasture near the chicken coop. The most delicious plants, the spearmint leaves, sat at the edge of the fence where the chickens perched. Whenever the cow would come by she'd eat the leaves, and then smooth talk the chickens with her minty fresh breath. The chickens would eventually ge...

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Harley Davidson for sale, mint condition, not a single scratch on it, used as my weekend bike. Very low mileage and I am very flexible on the price...

I originally bought this without consulting my wife.

Apparently “Do whatever the fuck you want” doesn’t mean what I thought it did.

What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

Hey Homer, did you hear about the Impeachment?

Mmmmm peach mint (drool noises)

How do you describe a person's breath that smells like metal coins?

Minted fresh

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

What do you call the new Iraqi currency?

An after Dinar mint.

I know a guy who collects candy canes

They’re all in mint condition.

Why was the mint jelly so nervous?

Because it was always on the lamb.

Did you know if you leave a group you’re singing with and then come back, they have to give you an Altoid?

It’s a re-choir mint

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“God bless you.”

3 sisters were sitting in the porch drinking mint juleps.
Mary says, “My husband loves me so much, he built me a beautiful house with a wrap-around porch! Mable says, “That’s nice.” Irma says, “Bless your heart.”
Mable says, “My husband loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadilla...

I made an abacus by threading string through polo mints....

....it has improved my menthol arithmetic

Have you guys heard about these mints that improve your strategic thinking abilities?

They're called Tac Tics.

A little boy excitedly rushes into a candy store that sold some unusual goods...

Inside he meets the owner who takes him around the store and shows him all of the products. There were lots of different ones, candy shaped like a dog biscuit, the grass a cow would eat, the worms a bird would eat and even one that looked like a T-bone steak!

The boy is awe-struck and can’t ...

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, n...

I used to work at a start up mint

It was sort of confusing to me.
But now it makes all the cents in the world.

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(NSFW) So my girlfriend is crazy horny

And we went out to a restaurant. They brought mints with the check. That gave her the idea that I should have mints instead of pineapple juice, so my cum would taste minty, and my cum would be her end of a meal mints. So I started eating all sorts of mints for a few weeks.

One day we're ge...

What color is a US dollar?

Mint green

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

What did Congress say to George Washington with bad breath after he said: "I need some money"?

You need a mint

Last night in Jail they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they'd be be gross but they were actually pretty good.

Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected.

A man goes to the dentist for his six-month exam.

The man tells the dentist, “My teeth are great. I never use mouthwash, rarely brush my teeth, never floss, never use a breath mint, and eat onions and garlic with just about every meal. I also never have bad breath.” The dentist agrees his teeth are decent, but he will need an operation.


...

My dad literally told me this one last week: 'Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

## They say he made a mint.

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A man and his wife doing 69 and when they finish up he realises he still has to go to the dentist.

He then dashes to the bathroom to go and brush his teeth, constantly smelling his breath to make sure his breath doesn’t smell like his wife’s pussy. He eats some chewing gum and even takes mints with him. He arrives at the dentist and eats some more mints just to make sure.

He’s finally call...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

Did you hear that everyone at the mint went on strike?

They wanted to make less money.

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Where the hell do you get the balls to tell your wife she needs therapy?

I can't even tell mine she needs a breath mint.

I have a York Patty Wrapper from 1941

Its in mint condition

I found a vintage Altoids box from the 60s in my attic,

it was in mint condition

I finally learned how coin minting machines work

It all makes cents now.

I just bought some collectors edition candy canes from Santa himself

They're in mint condition

A redditor became a chemist

And decided to seek his fortune making breath mints.

He made one set of mints that were saturated in caffeine. It made him a significant amount of money but people complained about being a little too agitated by them.

He followed up with a heavily alcoholic variety, which was very well...

Dave and Joe were best friends...

Joe and his family went on vacation for about a week, but when he came back, Dave noticed that he was very different, his mood and tendencies had completely changed.

This was not the same Joe.

The smoking gun was that Joe's eyes were not his usual green, but blue.

He flew to J...

What type of sweet does a banker keep in his wastecoat?

InvestMints

All he wanted was a coke

Larry was a lonely wanderer, traveling the vast country of the United States.

One evening, after a long day on the road he came across a small town named Healdsburg, after the founder Harmon Heald. Larry decided to stop in for a meal and a good nights rest. For his supper he had a wonderful ...

Why did Ebenezer shove mints up a sheeps ass?

baa! humbug

My grandfather was a prison guard.

He told me a story one day about an inmate he knew back years ago. He said

“On my first day of work I spotted this guy who had the nicest cell in the joint. TV, silk sheets, food whenever he wanted it. I had no clue why.

I eventually found out that everyone there - the other guards, t...

Timmy Got a Job!

Timmy boy, a young hobo who left home in search for wealth, got his 14th job in the 3 months he has been traveling. His first shift at Bob’s Animal Candies Inc. started at 9 am, Tuesday. After working for hours at the breath fresheners’ line, he began to get bored, so Timmy decided to take a break t...

What can you say about a man who pops a couple tic tacs before beginning speaking?

He mints his words.

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a

lager and lime, the barman hands him an apple.
What is this the man says?
taste it, the barman says.
The man bit into the apple and says " Wow, lager " now turn it around says the barman. " wow Lime says the man. After 5 apples the man goes home drunk.

NEXT DAY.
The man after wor...

I recently came into a HUGE amount of money.

Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.

What do you give an apprehensive person with bad breath?

An encourage mint.

My 5 year old came up with this one...

"Eating mints? *(long dramatic pause)* That's cool!"

And he then proceeds to ROFL like it's best damn joke known to mankind.

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

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Little Johnny is sitting in class.

When the teacher says I've got a supprise for the students who got the best grades on the last test. She calls up three students and blind folds each of them, she says I've got a full bag of candy for each of you, if you can guess what kind of candy it is.Johnny sitting in the back just watching kno...

Two men are lost in the desert

Two men are lost in the desert. They are both severely dehydrated and extremely hungry. While stumbling over a particularly large sand dune, one man spots a tin of fig-flavored altoids.
Desperate for any sustenance, he stumbles ahead and grabs the tin, but realizes it was only a mirage.

He...

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

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What do they serve at the sex restaurant after dinner?

Condom-mints

One of them Deevorces

A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."

The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."

The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."

The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you ne...

I think retirement can lead to senility.

Because after my Grandpa quit working at the Federal Mint, he just stopped making cents.

What do you call a Herb salesman who is doing well for himself?

Minted.

I sold my foot that had the Tic-Tac toe today...

I heard collectors pay more for items in mint condition.

Corny joke

So a local state corn production and manufacturing company had an open house complete with free samples of their in house sweets and confectionery made from their finest corn.

The reception was fantastic and everything was going great, until one of the over zealous freeloaders (you know the ...

Did you know that buying really old candy cost a lot of money?

Especially when they are in mint condition

What do you call a wise plant?

Enlighten Mint!

How does a zombie freshen their breath?

They eat a liga**mint**.

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