CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff, I filled my entire yard with it. My only complaint is the weird smell. Has a real e-lawn musk to it.

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

Heard about the new Emo-grass for your lawn?

It cuts itself.

What do you call a cow grazing on grass?

A: A Lawn Mooer.

Yes, it's bad. Context: My wife and I took a summer long road trip across America, spending nights in motels and getting up early and driving far to our next destination for almost two full months so we could see as many of the sights as possible.

One morning, bright...

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3 Cowboys NSFW

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, all exchanging tall tales about how tough they all were.

The first cowboy says “I’m the toughest of the bunch. I was out in the tall grass, looking for a good spot to take a piss. All the sudden this snake appears. And you can see in its eyes, it’s out fo...

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

The greatest treasure wins

Once, there were two tribes - the Ubangis and the Wallawallas. They worshiped the same gods, and their religion told them that whoever possessed the greatest worldly treasure had the gods's favor.

For many years, the favor of the gods lay with the Ubangis, whose chief had made a throne of ...

My teacher said to use the colors green, yellow, and pink in a sentence

The first student said "my favorite colors are green, yellow, and pink."

The second student said "The grass is green, the sun is yellow, and my shirt it pink."

Finally, a Mexican kid piped up and said "when my phone goes green green, I pink it up and say yellow."

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The lumberjack in the emergency room

So the lumberjack had a slight accident with his chainsaw and went to the ER to get his leg stitched up. The attendant asks him would he like some anesthetic, but he says
"Naw, this is only the third worst pain of my life."
Attendant: "OMG! What was the second worst pain?"
LJ: "I was i...

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

Sometimes she just knows

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub t...

What is the benefit of having emo grass?

It cuts itself

Id like my grass to be emo.

You ask why?



Well then it would cut itself.

Playing a few Holes...

The room is full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor finishes: "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay...

Did you hear about the anemic guy that cut all the grass on earth in a square pattern?

He mow globe in cells

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The Fukawi Tribe

There was once a tribe of very short people who lived on an island in very long grass. One day an explorer stumbled upon this large grass covered island and intact discovered the tribe. He was very excited but decided since he was not sure if they were a peaceful people or not he would not engage th...

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A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

If cars were replaced by horses, what would replace gas stations?

Grass stations

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

A politician dies…

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

“So, you’re a politician…” “Well, yes, is that a problem?” “Oh no, no problem. But we’ve recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, an...

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

How does a New Zealander find sheep in tall grass?

Delightful

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A llama was grazing in a field one day... (long)

... when another llama came over.

"Hello," said the first llama.

"Whatcha doing?" asked the second llama.

"Oh, you know, eating some grass. Care to join me?" replied the first llama.

"Oh, thank you," said the second. So now there were two llamas eating. Along came a third...

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now he’s lawn gone

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders...

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne.

When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call ...

Derek and Brian are having a drink together.

"You used to play football, didn't you?" Brian asks Derek.

"Yeah, I played til I was nearly 40." replies Derek.

"So which did you prefer, grass or astroturf?" asks Brian.

"I'm not sure Brian, I never smoked astroturf." answers Derek.

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

What kind of grass does matthew mcconaughey have in his yard?

“All rye, all rye, all rye”

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

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What do you call a really green butt?

Grass

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The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

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I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

Sales training!

A manager at a General Store is teaching a young, newly hired boy how to sell people more than they really want. Suddenly, a man walks in asking for a bag of lawn seed. The manager walks up to him and says, “Of course. But you will be wanting a lawn mower, too, right?”

The man asks, “Why woul...

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

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A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen...

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A woman is bringing home her groceries...

And sees her neighbor sitting shirtless in his front yard, drinking a beer. As he sips, a woman is pushing an old lawnmower around his grass, which is at least a foot tall.

As she unpacks her groceries and takes them inside, he continues to sit in the shade, a smile on his face. Upon seeing ...

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I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, d...

Why do dwarfs laugh when they play football?

Because the grass tickles their balls

What do you call the people you eat grass and make milk alongside?

Cow-workers.

What does a Spanish cow say after eating grass?

Grassias

Bushmen are watching a couple lions staring at some grass

One says, “I don’t understand what’s happening”

The other replies, “You got a reed between the lions.”

How does a Welsh man find a sheep in talk grass?

Irresistible.

One blade of grass turns to another blade of grass and says...

"It's really hot today, I've drank most of my water already as have you. What happens tomorrow if we run out?"



The other blade of grass responds: "Well, we'll just have to make dew."

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’

He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is it common?” I asked.

“It’s not unusual” he replied.

Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog laying on the grass licking its own balls.

The first says “Man I wish I could do that!”

The second responds “Maybe you should just pet him first...”

I got my cat to cut my grass today.

Such a good lawn meower

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.



Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they ...

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A highly successful manager was going home in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass

Astonished by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the ...

Why did the grass Cross the road?

To get to the other sod

Does anyone go around looking for particularly somber grass?

Just so they can say, "This is a grave yard."

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

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I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

I went to doctors as i couldn't stop hearing green green grass of home ....

The doctor said 'I think you might have a touch of Tom Jones syndrome'

I asked 'Is it common?'

He said 'Well......it's not unusual'.

Elon Musk has a plan to design electronic grass for Mars

He’s calling it an E-Lawn.

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A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person?

If so, you may be dew condensation.

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"

He said "I'm very hungry"

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"

You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

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