UPJOKE
lawnpasturegrasslandbamboocerealweedforagericewheatbarleyratplantbunchgrassshootsmoke

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked.

It's not unusual' he replied.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

I Wish My Grass Was Emo

Then it would cut itself

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What do you call Neil deGrasse Tyson with no shirt on pouring champagne all over himself?

An astrofizzytits

How does a Welshman find a sheep in long grass?

Irresistible

They say that "The grass is always greener on the other side".

Especially true of roll on turf.

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

what do kids with touretteโ€™s and tall grass have in common?

ticks

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, โ€œMy car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?โ€

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

Why was the grass wet?

It saw the leaf blower coming

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Pigs

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them...

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs...

After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything equally.

The farmers lived sixt...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Billy arrived at his new job, the local garden center/general store.

Mr Howard said "Just watch how I interact with the customers, Billy, and follow my lead. We need to upsell."

"Ok," says Billy, "I'm all ears."

A man walks in and mills around the store for a while, then comes up to the counter with a packet of grass seeds.

Mr Howard engages the ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A wolf and A donkey were arguing about the color of the grass.

The wolf was saying: the grass is green.

The donkey was saying: the grass is blue.



They went to the king of the jungle to judge between them.

The lion king has ordered to send the wolf to jail.



The wolf asked the lion: isn't the grass green?

The lio...

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

A man was walking through a park

He stopped by a flock of seagulls sitting on the grass verge next to a pond trying to snap up some worms from the mud. One of the seagulls drops a worm and shouts "oh for god sake".

The man is intrigued that it can talk so he goes and asks it where it's from. "I'm from around London but I tr...

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.

Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. ...

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

Hooker: โ€œ$10 on grass, $30 on sofa, $50 in bedโ€ Man: โ€œIโ€™ll pay $50โ€

Hooker: โ€œYouโ€™re a man of class :)โ€


Man: โ€œClass my ass, I want it five times on grassโ€

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A golfing instructor has no luck teaching a young, married woman. (NSFW)

Whatever he tries, she is still just terrible, either missing the ball completely or taking chunks out of the grass.

This is beginning to affect his ability to get new clients, and he is constantly getting ribbed by colleagues.

One lesson, after angrily stamping a clump of grass back i...

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

What did the Tree say to the Grass

Nothing. Trees and Grass don't talk.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Whatโ€™s green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A Dirty Joke from the 14th Century

The joke comes to us from Jean de Conde of Hainaut, born 1275:

A game of truth-telling is being played at court by a Queen and her retinue. A knight is asked by the Queen if he has fathered any children; he is forced to admit that he has not.

The Queen nods in assent, saying "you do no...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A walk in the woodsโ€ฆ

A couple were on a blind date and they decided to take a walk in the woods. After some casual banter they started to feel more and more comfortable with each other and they started to feel a little frisky. They decided to sneak off the path into a dark grove of trees. After finding a good spot, the...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I'm pissed. The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A drunk is passed out in a local park, face down in the freshly cut grass. He finally comes to, staggers to the bar accross the street and goes in.

The bartender looks up and says, "Why the lawn face?"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Did you know Neil deGrasse Tyson has a son who owns a lawn trimming company?

His name is Moe deGrasse Tyson

If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be...

How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline!



This joke sucks but it's my cakeday and I was told there would be plentiful imaginary internet points .... XD

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?" The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option." The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house." The man, very grateful, replie...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A blonde woman is driving through the countryside when she spots another blonde woman sitting in a canoe in the middle of a field, trying to row through the grass.

Feeling very angry she pulls over her car, stomps over to the fence, and calls out to the woman in the canoe. โ€œItโ€™s women like you who make blondes look stupid. If I could swim Iโ€™d come out there and kick your ass!โ€

What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?

A Prograsstinator

Why wouldnโ€™t the cattle rancher take the bet that he could raise his cows on marijuana instead of actual grass?

The steaks were too high.

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park

I asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry"

I replied "Oh, okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A lofty gentleman and his caddy partake on a round of golf on a fine afternoon.

Everything is going leisurely and the man tees off; he hits it brilliantly and it lands on the green, a very short distance from the hole. The caddy puts the wood in the bag and they both walk down to the green.

When they get there, the ball isn't there. "I swear it landed here. You saw it to...

In todayโ€™s European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didnโ€™t seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

A tribal island nation in the pacificโ€ฆ

A tribal island nation in the pacific make their riches by trading cocoa beans with other civilisations. The chief of the tribe one day looks upon all the gold they have accumulated and decides that he must do something to show his affluence. His consults his advisor and decides on a nice throne, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

I saw a boy eating the grass between the cracks in the curb

I went up to him and said "don't eat the grass, it's bad for you"

He looked at me and said "I haven't had any food for the last 3 days. This is all I can find"

I told him to get up and to come over to my place to get him a better meal

He stopped and said "well, my sister, she ha...

The grass may actually be greener on the other side of the fence,

but it still has to be mowed

What did the Spanish cow say to the other cow when it wiped the grass off its rear?

Grassy-ass

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked โ€œHow about we talk for a bit?โ€

Then the kid replied โ€œok so what do we talk aboutโ€

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies โ€œHow about nuclear power?โ€

The kid then catches on to the...

Why do the drwafs giggle when they play soccer?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

Why is grass so dangerous?

Because it's full of blades.

*bad dum tss*

an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe

it gasped and said said โ€œhow do you breathe through those?โ€

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

โ€œCan you help me with this? Iโ€™m not sure what Iโ€™m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I canโ€™t get it to lay flat,โ€ he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, โ€œWell, ...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

โ€œYou do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!โ€

A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.

His neighbor comes outside and says to him, โ€œI could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!โ€

The man walks away and mutters, โ€œPeople are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice t...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Stalin's driver asks him for a raise

One day; while walking to his car - comrade Krushchev comes upon his driver, eating grass.

"What are you doing?" "Don't you have any food to eat?" "I pay you a monthly salary!"

The driver responds; "Comrade Krushchev, i can barely feed my family with that money. Please! I'm begging you...

Luckily the blade of grass got arrested in the summer

Because he's about to make bale!

Another talking animal jokeโ€ฆ

A farmer is sitting on his porch when a man in a suit and tie walks up to the door.

Man: โ€œCould I speak to your dog?โ€

Farmer: โ€œDogs donโ€™t talk, stranger, but go ahead.โ€

The man turns to the dog and asks him how he likes the farm.

Dog: โ€œI love it here! My owner gives me l...

A farmer takes his pigs to the breeder

A farmer one day decides heโ€™d like to multiply his pigs but only has two sows, so he takes them to a farm a ways away with some impressive hogs to breed them with.

He gets there on the first day and after the deed is done he asks the other farmer โ€œSay, how will I know it workedโ€ to which the...

A lawyer is driving home one evening

When he spots a man at the side of the road, eating the grass on the verge. He stops and asks the man what he is doing. The man says โ€œI am so poor that my family and I cannot afford food and so we eat grass to surviveโ€. The lawyer is horrified and says โ€œthatโ€™s terrible! Look, Iโ€™m on my way home; gra...

Kinda long

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull.
I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him.
He said,, the b...

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.

Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

Why is a field of grass always older than you?

Because itโ€™s pasture age

What happened to the Mexican after he fell on some grass?

He had a โ€œgraci-assโ€

My grass loves when I cut it.

I make it mown.

I might have left it too long before cutting the grass

I keep getting attacked by small animals, and my dog won't listen to me until I show him 5 badges

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I was walking through the forest when I saw something glimmer in the grass.

"I approached and it turned out to be a golden frog. I quickly grabbed it, intending to sell it for a lot of money, but the frog spoke to me.


- Let me go and I'll grant you 3 wishes.


First I didn't believe it, so I tried to stick it in my pocket, but the frog spoke again.
...

So, I was driving home from work and I noticed this man at the side of the road eating grass on the verge. On the verge of throwing-up, maybe...

Anyway, I pulled up next to him and said "What are you doing man?" he replied "I'm starving".

I told him "Now, listen- there is no need to do that here. You can come to my house and eat as much as you like.".

He said "But I have a wife" so I said "that's fine she can come along too- f...

Maybe if the grass on my front lawn had depression

It would cut itself

Someone just stole some grass from my garden

Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf

How did the priest find the little boy in the tall grass?

Delightful

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Little Johnny Strikes Again

A very Petty school teacher wanted to stump the children so she instructed them to use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence when she called on them.

The 1st student called said, "The sky is definitely blue."
With a smirk on her face, the teacher said... "No the sky is sometimes other colors. ...

There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace

Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass -- not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it. One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and l...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

I popped into Lowe's today to get some grass seed for my yard.

Me: I'm looking for some grass seed but I want something that's easy to maintain.

Employee: Oh then you will want our new brand of emo grass.

Me: What's so special about emo grass?

Employee: there's no upkeep, it cuts itself.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Well, your ass may be grass...

Butt hay, what can you do?

CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff, I filled my entire yard with it. My only complaint is the weird smell. Has a real e-lawn musk to it.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Nikita Khrushchev sees his driver eating grass.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, with the wages you've given me i can only feed my kids."

Khrushchev triples his wage.

Stalin's driver overheard this and decides to bite away at his lawn with a passion to elicit Stalin's empathy.

"What the hell are you doing?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

โ€œWhat are you doingโ€ - Says the rich man.

โ€œI have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resourceโ€

โ€œDaaaammmm, say no more, get inโ€ -Says the rich man, exited.

โ€œOhhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

Gas prices are so high these days I used vodka in my lawnmower,

... now my grass is half cut.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

What would you say to a spanish person that planted grass seed on your butt

Grassy ass!

Why was the handsome farmer given the "Best in 'Grass' " award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

Two cows are eating grass in a field

The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"

The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"

What do you call a painter that loves running through grass?

Jackson Frolic

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A boy starts his first day at Walmart.

His trainer says to him "I'll take care of the first 2 customers to show you how it's done and you can look after the 3rd.โ€

So the trainer goes to the first customer and says "Can I help you, mโ€™am?" Lady goes "I'm looking for some garden hose.โ€

Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"

L...

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

Did you know Neil de Grasse Tyson has a brother Maurice whoโ€™s in the landscaping business?

Moe de Grasse Tyson.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

The sheep Farmer

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but...

A friend of mine was walking in tall grass in China...

Now he has corona with lyme

What's the best kind of grass?

Emo grass; the grass that cuts itself.

Itโ€™s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees โ€œDonald Trump sucks!โ€ written in urine across the snow.



Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staffโ€™s headquarters, and shouts, โ€œSomebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they ...

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died

But now heโ€™s lawn gone

What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass?

Moscow!

Neil DeGrasse Tyson is finally coming to give a lecture in my University.

It's about time.

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

Roses are red, violets are red, grass is red

OH SHIT THE GARDENS ON FIRE

This joke may contain profanity. ๐Ÿค”

There was a redneck cutting his grass one day.

When he got to the edge of his property, he noticed a goat with his head stuck in the fence. Overcome with lust, he decided he would make love to the goat. After a couple minutes, his brother came looking for him and noticed him sexing this goat. He asked "can I have next?" The first man said y...

Heard about the new Emo-grass for your lawn?

It cuts itself.

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