This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.

​

Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn law...

I went to doctors as i couldn't stop hearing green green grass of home ....

The doctor said 'I think you might have a touch of Tom Jones syndrome'

I asked 'Is it common?'

He said 'Well......it's not unusual'.

How do Welshmen find sheep in tall grass?

attractive

A shop that sells fake grass for gardens was robbed...

Afterwards the owner was asked why he was so defensive during the robbery of the fake grass, to which he replied:

“Well, it’s my home turf.”

A successful businessman is driving home and sees another man on the sidewalk eating grass.

He stops and asks, "Hey! Why are you eating grass?"

The man replies, "I'm out of money, I lost my job and I haven't eaten in three days! Grass is my only option."

The businessman thinks for a few second and says, "You know what, why don't you come with me to my house."

The man, ...

Big shot lawyer drives by a homeless man eating grass

A big shot lawyer drives his jaguar by a homeless man in the park, kneeling on the ground, eating the grass.

Lawyer stops, rolls down the window and says "My friend, get up off the ground and get in, you're coming to eat at my place!"

The homeless man is touched but says "I can't go, I...

A rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed by the sight he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man: "Why are you eating grass?"

The poor man replied: "We don't have any money for food. We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the rich m...

I wish my grass was depressed

So it would cut itself

Elon Musk has a plan to design electronic grass for Mars

He’s calling it an E-Lawn.

A guy was watching football while his wife was outside cutting the grass.

He went out and asked her what she was going to make for dinner. She said "How dare you ask me that! You're sitting around while I'm working. Pretend I'm out of town and make your own dinner!" So the guy cooked a T-bone steak and began eating it. When his wife came in she said "Hey, where's mine?" a...

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass?

Rather enjoyable

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man and his secretary were having an affair...

One afternoon they couldn't control their lustful triggers and they hurried over to her place where they spent the afternoon having steamy passionate sex. Post the two hour long marathon sex they got so tired that they fell asleep only to wake up at 8 o'clock. Realizing that it had gotten very late...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I said to my wife this morning, "I was just reading in a scientific paper now, that blades of grass can actually feel pain. Amazing isn't it?"

"Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower's in the shed."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do the small grass-like substance that grows on the side of rocks and small winged insects similar to butterflies have in common?

The way Mike Tyson pronounces them.

Did you hear what happened to the really offensive joke about tall grass?

[re mowed]

Do you make grass slippery? Do you make windows wet? Are you a morning person?

If so, you may be dew condensation.

I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.

The grass cuts itself.

You can buy anything with dry grass

It's legal tinder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guys car breaks down in front of a Monestarey

This is hands down my favorite joke of all time but it's long so hold on to something.


A guys car breaks down, but fortunately it breaks down right in front of a Monestarey. He trudges through the snow to knock on the door and one of the monks answers.
Monk: "Hello my child, how may ...

A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

A Grass-Type Pokemon walks in a doctor's office

"Doc, my bulb is sore"

My friend built a thatch residence out of prairie grass. He decided to use it as a storage facility for regnal furniture.

I told him that was not a good idea. When he asked why, I told him that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men walking down the street, see a dog in the grass.

The dog is casually licking his balls without a care in the world.
One man turns to the other and says, "Boy I sure wish I could do that!."
The other man replies,"Yeah, but you'll probably have to pet him first."

One afternoon a lawyer is riding in his limousine

While on his ride, he notices 2 men on the side of the road eating grass. He stops, concerned a bit to talk to the 2 men.

He gets out of his limousine and goes up to one of the men and asks "Hey man, why are you eating grass?

Man 1: Well, you see, when your homeless and have nothing t...

I really don't want to cut the grass in my yard when I get home.

I need some mowtivation

I just lost a grass growing competition.

The grass was Greener on the other side

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the grass hopper say to the caterpillar?

Who did you have to fuck to get that fur coat?

What do you call a Russian cow covered in grass?

Moscow!

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park...

Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"

He said "I'm very hungry"

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"

You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

What’s the best kind of grass for your front yard?

Emo grass. Cuz it cuts itself.

What do you use to measure grass?

A yard stick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Roses are red, Violets are red, grass is red

Shit! My garden is on fire!

Two cows are eating grass in a field

The first turns to the second and says "Moooooo"

The second turns to the first and says "I was just about to say that"

What did SpaceX's grass smell like after the drones finished mowing it?

It had an E-Lawn Musk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If you woke up with grass stains on your knee and a used condom in your butt would you tell anyone?

No?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wanna go camping?

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,...

I told my dad that I wanted to become a man. So he made me lie down on the ground, then he sprinkled grass and seeds on my pecs.

I said, "Why are you doing this?"
He said, "It will put hares on your chest."

I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass.

Credit where it's dew.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane

when the stranger turned to her and said: "Let's talk, I am sure that flights are faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and asked the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't...

How does a Welshman find his sheep in long grass?

i r r e s i s t i b l e (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

You are at one side of a bridge, with a bear, a wolf, a goat, and a big bundle of grass. You have to cross the bridge, but can only hold one at a time. If left alone, the bear will kick the wolf off the cliff, the wolf will eat the sheep, and the sheep will eat the grass. How do you do it?

Just juggle them.

Yesterday I took LSD and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.

On a side note, our garden hose is completely wrecked.

A grass hopper hops into a bar

The barman says: "Hey we've name a drink after you!" The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve!?"

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening at around 8:00 pm.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through t...

If you cut the grass around your deck ...

It makes your deck look bigger.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jake goes to an auction and bids the highest on Dave's painting of a Horse eating grass.

The painting is to be delivered to Jake's house by next day.

Jake receives the painting next day and uncovers it. To his surprise, the so called painting is just a empty white paint board. There was no art on it.

Jake, paying $100,000 for the painting, panics and calls Dave to get some...

What do you call a cow standing in tall grass?

Udderly tickled.

It's remarkable that nobody has opened a "grass fed" steakhouse in Colorado yet.....On the other hand....

They might just be afraid that the steaks would be too high.

There’s that moment when you put your steak on the grill and your mouth waters all over from that amazing smell...

Do you vegans feel the same when you mow the grass?

Two elephants was eating some leafs and some grass at the savana

For the first time of their lives they see a naked man running in front of them.
One of the elephants wait a second, then bewildered turns to his friend and says:
I wonder how he gets his food to his mouth.

What car is it best to grow grass on?

K-K-K-Kia

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Cuttin the grass

A young man is walking past a general store and sees a "help wanted" sign. He goes in and applies for the job. As the shop owner has not had much luck finding a suitable employee he decides to give the young man a shot.

A customer walks in and the shop owner says watch me and do what i do. He...

When i was a kid we played football on a bit of grass at the bottom of the bridge where people often committed suicide...

We used the jumpers for goalposts.

What did the gardener say to the man in the grass shoes?

WATER THOOOOSE

The grass is always greener...

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her ...

Prostitute rates...NSFW

Man approaches a prostitute and asks for her rates.
She replies, “ $10 for a quickie on the grass, $30 for a quickie in the car, and $50 for a sensual girlfriend experience at a hotel.”

The man says, “ok, heres $50.”

The prostitute say, “ ok cool, i see you a man of class!”

T...

In the South Pacific...

Many years ago, in the South Pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King. Each year, on the King's birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him. And each year, the King would put last years gift...

Ive seen this place, filled with hills and green grass, people party and eat and just chill out. They live for hundreds of years in peace. Virtually no crime. sunshine most days, nice families, quaint neighbourhood...

anyone else notice there are no black hobbits in the shire?

A blonde was lying in the grass...

One afternoon, a college student is walking across the Green and sees a pretty blonde lying in the grass staring up at the clear blue sky.

"Getting a tan?" he asks.

"No! Do you think that just because I'm blonde I'm focussing on my looks? I'm actually a very good student and right now ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Was 12, living with abusive aunt and uncle

We lived on an old farm. No animals, just fields.

Uncle goes to the market to buy a horse, ends up spending more than expected because it's bred from some old bloke's prized stallion.

Although expensive, aunt loves it. Because it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a fucked up li...

An asylum seeker is at the side of the road eating grass.

A man pulls up in his car and says, "Hey! Don't eat that. Come home with me and I'll feed you."

The asylum seeker replies, "I have four wives and twelve kids, can they come too?"

The man says, "No, I've only got a small lawn!"

If a normal person's mouth waters at a steak?

Does a vegan's mouth water when someone is mowing the grass?