Anyone can be buried when they die

But if you wanna be cremated, you have to urn it!

Credit to celinaspookyboo on ig

A guy walks down the street and carries an urn in his arms.

A cannibal goes around him and says, "Daamn, where'd you get instant?



(Translated from Czech)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Talk to the Ashes

\[NSFW\]

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

One day she picked up the urn he was in and poured him out on the coffee table. Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes.

She said, "You know that fur coat y...

How do you receive a cremation container

You urn it

A young man named Benny was a real party animal.

He lived for the good times of wine, women, and song. He wished he could continue his life style forever. A genie suddenly appeared before him and made him the following wish: Benny would remain forever young if he would never shave. If he were ever to shave the genie would return and transform him ...

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as...

TIFU by accidentally ramming my toe against a cigarette urn while trying to throw my cigarette away.

Oops, wrong stub.

I've started selling transparent urns, and I think this business could really take off.

Remains to be seen.

My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother

until my mom took the urn from me.

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

My mom is officially cancer free!!

So, we were thinking of scattering her ashes by the ocean, or maybe keep them in an urn.

What’s a Greek urn?

About 200 Euro’s a week.

My favourite childhood memory is making mud pies with my grandad.

Until mom found out and hid the urn.

What's a Grecian Urn?

About 2 bucks an hour depending on what the current minimum wage is.

Why are crematoriums so rich?

..Because they urn alot...

Tom Hanks, age 103, is on his deathbed...

The doctor at his bedside tells his family: "There's not much we can do at this point.

The family turns to Tom and asks him, "What are your wishes for the funeral, Burial or Cremation?"

Tom Hanks slowly lifts up a finger and points it towards his own body and says his last words .......

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day...

Benny was never a good looking guy, but one day when he was 40 years old, his fairy godmother came to help. She said,

“Benny, I’ve watched you all of your life, and you’ve never even kissed a girl. I’m going to help. I can make you the best looking man in the world. Women and men will al...

What's a Grecian urn?

About 780 euros a month.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grown up man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

Right a‌‌fter t‌‌hem c‌‌ome f‌‌our s‌‌hots o‌‌f J‌‌aegermeister a‌‌nd f‌‌ive o‌‌f a‌‌bsinthe.

The b‌‌artender s‌‌ays, "‌‌Whoa t‌‌here b‌‌uddy. T‌‌hat's a‌‌ l‌‌ot o‌‌f s‌‌hots. W‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n?"

The m‌‌an r‌‌eplies, "‌‌You k‌‌now, I‌‌ t‌‌urned 5‌‌0 t‌‌oday a‌‌nd I'm celebrating my...

A u‌‌niversity s‌‌tudent w‌‌anted t‌‌o s‌‌it n‌‌ext t‌‌o o‌‌ne o‌‌f h‌‌is t‌‌eachers a‌‌t l‌‌unch.

However, t‌‌he t‌‌eacher l‌‌ooked a‌‌t t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌n a‌‌rrogant f‌‌ace a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "A s‌‌wan s‌‌han't b‌‌e f‌‌riends w‌‌ith a‌‌ p‌‌ig."

"Then I‌‌ s‌‌hall f‌‌ly o‌‌n", a‌‌nswered t‌‌he s‌‌tudent w‌‌ith a‌‌ s‌‌mile.

The t‌‌eacher w‌‌as c‌‌learly v‌‌exed b‌‌y t‌‌he c‌‌heek...

‌‌The b‌‌eautiful s‌‌ecretary o‌‌f a‌‌ b‌‌ank p‌‌resident w‌‌as a‌‌sked t‌‌o s‌‌quire a‌‌round t‌‌he k‌‌ing o‌‌f a‌‌ w‌‌ealthy A‌‌frican k‌‌ingdom, o‌‌ne o‌‌f t‌‌he b‌‌ank's m‌‌ost i‌‌mportant c‌‌lients.

After a‌‌ d‌‌ay s‌‌hopping and‌‌ s‌‌ightseeing, t‌‌he k‌‌ing w‌‌as u‌‌tterly b‌‌esotted w‌‌ith t‌‌he l‌‌ady, a‌‌nd a‌‌sked f‌‌or h‌‌er h‌‌and i‌‌n m‌‌arriage. T‌‌he p‌‌roposal t‌‌ook t‌‌he s‌‌ecretary b‌‌y s‌‌urprise a‌‌nd s‌‌he w‌‌as t‌‌hinking o‌‌f h‌‌ow t‌‌o t‌‌urn h‌‌im d‌‌own p‌‌olitely w‌‌itho...

When I die, I want to be cremated...

I think I've urned it.

what did the necrophiliac get at the funeral?

moUrning wood





W H E E E E E Z E ! ! !

There once was a village whose mayors were all named Benny and had magnificent beards

Legend held that if a mayor shaved his beard off, an ancient curse would transform him into a piece of pottery.

Centuries passed and every Benny was a fair and wise mayor, and never shaved their beards. But one summer, their land was struck by a terrible heat wave. All the men of the villag...

How do you make your grandma lose 2 kg ?

You empty the urn



EDIT : yeeeeess

The crematorium industry is super competitive

You gotta urn your keep

Grandma fought hard to be cremated.

She urned it.

I met a baker who purposefully burnt his bread.

He would then take the ashes and sell them in clay vases.

I wouldn't think he would be able to make much money from that, but I guess he found away to urn some dough.

A little boy walked in on his parents in the heat of their lovemaking, "Mommy, what are you doing?"

"Urn," she stammered, "well, Daddy is so fat
that I'm bouncing all the air out of him."
"I don't know what good it's going to do,"
the boy replied. ''The lady next door is just going to blow him up again!"

There are two possibilities in North Korea

Either Kim Jong ill or Kim Jong urn

My dyslexic support group held a slam poetry competition

Doug got first with a great piece about racial tensions in America.

Anna got second with a touching monologue about women's rights.

I got third by smashing an urn.

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A man walks into the bar.

He sees a mod of r/Jokes crying over the counter.

"Hey buddy, what's wrong with you?" the Man asks.

Mod: "My life is pathetic. I've been a mod for the past 4 months and I was told I'd get a paycheck of $70000 every month. Those fuckers haven't paid me anything yet. I'm totally broke no...

Cremating can be a lucrative business.

I hear they urn a lot of money.

Why are crematorium workers always poor?

Because they can’t urn the living!

What happened to Tony Stark after he died?

He became Urn Man

My grandfather worked his whole life to be able to afford a nice cremation...

He urned it.

If you want to get good at Greek pottery...

you have to urn it.

An old proverb

Benny gets engaged to a woman and her father tells him he wants to talk to him.

"What do you want?" Benny asks.

"Well, I wanted you to know that you can't shave until you get married or you'll be turned into a vase."

Benny thinks it's a little weird, but he wants to honor what ...

Ethel was visiting her friend Martha at her home for the first time.

Ethel exclaimed "You have such a beautiful home, Martha. I especially like those 3 fancy vases on your mantle."

Martha replied "Those aren't vases, they're urns... this one is my first husband Bill, this one is my second husband Jim, and that one is my third husband Ted"

Ethel replied...

You can't just take anyone's cremated remains.

You have to urn them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Link walks into a guy's house and smashes the only pot in his house.

He takes the 20 rupees that he finds inside. Of course, the guy's not happy about this.

"Hey, you little buttwipe, are you robbing me or something?"

Link feels bad, so he gives the guy his 20 rupees back.

"Take this. You urned it."

I finally got promoted at the crematorium

What can I say, I urned it.

All those people saying anti-vaxxers should be researching child sized coffins aren't considering both sides

they can also use urns

My grandma quit smoking.

And we got a nice little urn for her.

Got funky with your Grandma last night

You'd think the hardest part of it would be sticking it in the urn, but washing the ashes off was far worse.

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

After cremating my grandma, I put her ashes into a trophy.

She urned it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my granddad having sex with grandma.

I yelled for him to get dressed and put her back in the urn so we can have a chat.

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got called a homophone after leaving a bad review on a store's website.

Look, eye don't care who cells the product. If it brakes, I won't by it with my hard urned cache!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's husband dies unexpectedly, and as per his wishes, she has him cremated.

Once she gets home, she sets his urn on their patio table. "Honey, there are so many things I wish I could have told you before you had passed." she says. "I don't know if you can hear me, but I'll do my best to say them all now."



She sits down in a chair, chin propped on her hands. "...

A man struggled into the animal hospital ...

A man struggled into the animal hospital carrying a large dog in his arms. The team quickly led them into a treatment room and in walked a doctor, who asked "What's wrong?"

"I ... need to put ... my dog down," said the man, breathing heavily, barely able to stand.

The doctor motioned...

My uncle complained to me that I never visited him and that the next time I saw him he would be in a coffin.

Jokes on him.

He was in an urn.

We got my dad the best cremation money could buy.

He urned it.

Benny the Bare Faced Viking

Benny was your typical Viking..
Strong, tall, courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one..
See Benny couldn't grow a beard, for all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillag...

I started working at the large wildlife crematorium

And now I’m urning the big bucks.

**********

Disclaimer: was told this by a friend. Who isn’t on reddit. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemb...

The cannibal

A cannibal was handed the funurary urn of a relative: What is this, instant soup?

Wasn't sure how to afford funeral expenses until I remembered...

A cremation saved is a cremation urned.

What is the ideal weight for an ex-wife?

About 3 pounds including the urn.

I hate my job at the crematorium

But at last I urn a paycheck.

Hippocrates and the Prophet

Tiresias, blind prophet of Apollo, once went to Hippocrates with a serious case of depression. In no time, Hippocrates had figured it out -- "Aha!" said he; "an imbalance of black bile!" He bled the excess melancholia into an urn and handed it to the prophet. Tiresias did not see the humour.

Someone told me a joke, but I can't remember the punchline.

A mortician friend told me a joke about a situation he encountered several years back, but I can't remember the punchline to save my life.

It was about this couple who got in an auto accident on their anniversary. The wife survived but the husband unfortunately died on impact.

The wif...

Reddit, help me finish this joke!

I have the first two parts:

1) The inventor of the Pringles crisp packaging was so proud of his invention that he was cremated and buried in a Pringles can.

2) The inventor of Doritos requested his family dust his grave with crumbled Doritos before burying his urn.

I need hel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Nuns

Are lost in the desert. Exhaustion, thirst and hunger are setting in. Out of supplies and options, Sister Mary prays to the Lord.

The Lord replies "March on my children, over the next ridge you will find a gift, when you have found it pray again."

Sure enough over the next ridge is an ...

The sheriff's department auctioned off a bankrupt crematorium yesterday.

I was surprised there wasn't morbid, but it's a tough way to urn a living.

An Archaeologist Found an Ancient Vase at a Dig Site...

and as he began to inspect the runes carved in it, he started dusting it off, and a genie came screaming out of it in rage.


"**Who disturbs my slumber**! I have been asleep for thousands of years, and *you* dare to wake ***me***? I should kill you where you stand!"

The archaeologis...

Shortest four-line poem I can think of

Not sure where else to post it. If you can read it, it doesn't apply to you.

YYUR
YYUB
URN
YY2ME

Here at Smith Blarney cremation service we make money the old-fashioned way

We urn it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After several years of marriage, Debbie's husband, Mike, died suddenly....

.... According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated and placed the remains in a small urn.

Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel and carefully tapped Mike's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good Enough

After the funeral of her late husband, the widow took the urn of his cremated ashes home. She got out of her car, holding the urn, and said, "Frank... I always wanted a nice convertible, but you got me an economy sedan and said 'Good enough.'"

Then she turned to her house.

"I told you ...

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