This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”

“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

What's the difference between a step stool and a 3d printer?

The former is a ladder and the latter is a former.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many buttholes can fit round a barstool?

Four of you flip it over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just patented my new combination aphrodisiac and stool softener!

SexLax: "Easy come, easy go!"

Wow! A sort-by-new gold! I'm honoured!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

I can't decide whether to get this broom or large stepping stool.

I think I'm going to have to go with the ladder.

A drunk man is sitting on a bar stool.

He leans over and asks the guy on his left, “did you shpill your drink on me?” The guy says “no I did not.” He then leans over and asks the guy on his right, “did you shpill your drink on me?” “No, I certainly did not.”

“Then I guess it must have been an inside job.”

A mushroom walks into a bar and sidles up to a stool.

Bartender: “You’ll need to leave. We don’t serve your kind here.”

Mushroom: “Why not? I’m a . . . fun-gi.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a pirate sitting a few bar stools down from him...

... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my patients forgot their stool sample today

I guess some people just don’t give a shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

A man walks into the bar and takes a stool next to a duck on the bar...

Man: what's with the duck?
Bartender: oh he's magic
M: what?
B: magic... So you whisper your greatest desire in his ear and immediately he grants it
M: no way
B: try it!

The man leans into the ducks ear and whispers something and *poof* a small man in a suit with tails and a wh...

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

What's brown and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven's last movement.

Why do Cow milking stools only have 3 legs?

Cause the Cow's got the udder!

Three bottoms are sitting at a bar.

The first says, “I’m so loose my boyfriend can fit his whole hand inside me.”

The second says “that’s nothing. My boyfriend can fit his whole arm inside me!”

The third laughs, and the bar stool disappears.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend told me my stool would improve when I started taking probitoics

But it's still shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and faceplants into a stool.

Now he's completely shitfaced.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Everyone talks about their stepladder. I grew up with a step stool. Never knew my real stool...

But that's okay, everyone tells me he was a piece of crap.

The doctor shakes his head and tells the man, "I have no idea what's wrong with you. I'll need a urine specimen, plus sperm and stool samples."

The guy says, "I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three prostitutes are sitting in a bar. . .

and they're drunkenly arguing over who has the loosest pussy.

The first one says: "Last night I had a John put his whole fist up me and open up his fingers.

The second one laughs and says: "That's nothing! Last week I had a guy who stuck his arm up me to the elbow and could wriggle it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The hospital asked me if I would be OK giving them a stool sample...

I told them I don’t give a shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a guy who's a carpenter, he told me he makes stools.

'Me too' I says 'but they're all shit'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally sent a stool sample to an ancestry website...

They couldn't tell me much, except that my family must be pretty shitty...

I asked my friend if I should get a foot stool

Hey said you otto-man

What do you call it when a drunk cowgirl falls off her stool at the bar?

A hoedown

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and finds an octopus sitting on a stool...

The bartender tells the man "This octopus is really special. You can give it any instrument and it will play it better than any human ever has."

So the guy needs to test this out. Luckily the bar keeps some instruments on hand for just that purpose. The man grabs a guitar and brings it to the...

How do you get 4 hookers to sit on a stool?

You turn it upside down.

In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender:

Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

A blind man walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He orders a drink and says "hey, wanna here a good blonde joke"...

The barmaid says "before you do, I should tell you my name is big Bertha, I'm the landlady and an ex wrestler and I'm a blonde. Two feet away is big Brenda, she's a karate teacher and could squish you flat in a second, she's also a blonde, and in the corner over there is big Belinda, she's a shot p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

The doctor says to the old man "I'll need to check your blood, urine, and stool.

The old man who is virtually deaf, turns to his wife and shouts "WHAT'D HE SAY?". His wife says "the doctor said he wants to see your underwear".

If your life is awful, get a rope and a stool

...and find the next tree. Throw the rope over a branch and attach the stool to the rope.

Now you've got a swing.

Which is better a stool or a box to stand on?

You stand on a stool, though I prefer the ladder

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An unassuming man takes a seat at a stool in a bar...

...The bartender walks up to him and asks what he'd like to drink. The man says he'd like a $25 martini. Before the bartender leaves the man stops him

"I bet you $50 that I remove my left eye and hold it in my hand."

The bartender agrees, and the man takes out his glass left eye and h...

A string walks into a bar, hops on a stool & orders a beer; bartender says,

"We don't serve strings in here. You're gonna have to leave."

String replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do stools break easily?

Because they're crap.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, an...

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and finds a stool. The bartender asks him what he'd like, to which he replies, "I'll have a............. a beer please."

The bartender, slightly confused by the hesitation asks, "why the large pause?"

The polar bear responds, "I was **born** with them!!!"

Why did the stool not listen to the stepladder?

Because it wasn't his real dad

An old woman goes to the doctor's office...

....The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doctor asked me for a semen, stool and urine sample.

I said, "Hell doc, I ain't got time for that! Can't I just leave my underwear?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young gu...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I did my presentation on stools,

got a shitty mark.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

My doctor told me my stool was loose.

I apologized. I should have warned him before he sat on it.

A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road...

At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right.

After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown ...

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

Paddy’s night in Dublin

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He fal...

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

A man spends the entire night getting hammered at his local pub.

After last call, the man stands up from his stool but falls flat on his face trying to walk. He pulls himself up in the doorway of the bar, attempts to stand, but falls flat on his face to the sidewalk. He drags himself to his car and drives home. He tries to unlock his front door, finally gets it u...

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One dayBill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothi...

A grasshopper walks into a crowded bar.

He sits down on a stool and orders a glass of beer. The bartender says, “That’s funny. I figured you’d order something different, especially since we’ve got a drink named after you.”

​

The grasshopper looks at the bartender baffled and says, “You’ve got a drink named Stan?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home.......

........complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old.

The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

​

The second o...

A man comes home drunk...

As he stumbles in trying to be quiet as possible not to wake up the wife...he's too drunk and knocks over a stool startling wife from sleep...

Wife, from bedroom: Bob, is that you? what was that ?

Bob: Oh nothing honey, just a stool. Be right there...

As he stumbles into the bed...