Big bird's flock rejected him because of how tall he was...

He was ostrich-sized.

A flock of seagulls wanted to fly to Iran...

..but Iran so far away!

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

A flock of penguins escaped from the zoo.

While searching for them, the Zookeeper spoke to a man who claimed to have run over one of the penguins with his car.

“I didn’t get a good look at it, so I’m not 100% sure that it was a penguin. How big do those guys get?” Asked the man.

“Well most of them are around a foot and a half”...

I was studying abroad in the Middle East, when a flock of seagulls attacked

Iran so far away.. ‘Couldn’t get away

I released a flock of birds at my friend's wedding, just like they asked, but now they aren't speaking to me.

How was i supposed to know ostriches weren't an acceptable choice?

What do you call a flock of crows eyeing a cake?

A tempted murder.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep,

using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around hi...

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Look! A flock of cows!"

"Herd."

"What was that?"

"Herd of cows..."

"Well of course I've heard of cows."

There's a whole flock of them right over there!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A plane hits a flock of ducks and begins to fall out the sky.

The people on the plane start screaming in horror in their final moments. This one beautiful wan suddenly stands up, tears open her shirt and says "I can die like this. Who's man enough to make me feel like a woman one last time."

A man stands up a few rows back. Pops his button up shirt off ...

How do crows stick together in a flock?

Vel-crow

A flock of geese passes by overhead, in class 'v' formation.

Dad: Do you know why one side of the 'v' is longer than the other?

Son: No, why?

Dad: Because it has more geese.

A flock of crows flew beak-first into window at horrifying speeds.

Experts suggest it was a murder suicide.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly abrand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, ayoung man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly howmany sheep you h...

A farmer was out tending his flock when he saw a man drinking with a cupped hand from a stream.

He shouted over in Welsh: “Don't drink the water! It's disgusting! There's sheep poo in it!”

The man at the stream lifted his head and carried on drinking. Realising the man couldn't hear him, the farmer moved closer and shouted the same thing in Welsh again.

But still the man couldn't...

A Scotsman is tending his flock of sheep... (long)

when he decides to take a nap under a nearby tree.
After he falls asleep, a young woman walking on a nearby road decides to play a joke on him.
She lifts up his kilt, takes a ribbon from her hair, ties it around his manhood, and leaves with a giggle.
After awhile the Scotsman wakes up and w...

What is it called when a flock of sheep abandon their leader?

Muttony

A blonde and a shepherd.

A blonde, tired of people assuming she's stupid, goes to a salon and has her hair dyed brown. On her way home she sees a shepherd and his flock of sheep. She stops and asks, "if I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?" The shepherd agrees and the blonde guesses, "237." He does some quick fi...

Why did the flock of geese cross the road?

Because they were afraid to fly United.

Did you hear about the flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage?

It was a murder most foul.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A small flock of sheep walks into an Scottish bar

The bartender, immediately upset by the commotion, tells them they have to leave.

A brave sheep stands up to the bartender and says "Sheep or not, I'm a true Scotsman. I know the history of our people all the way back to the beginning of time, and this place is my home."

The bartender ...

I saw a flock of angry ducks the other day.

I wonder why they were in such a fowl mood.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man faced with death will have his life spared if he can explain the song being visually represented by a flock of naked women.

The man is led to an empty concert hall where 8 naked women are being led in.

They were placed so that the first one was facing him, the second
with her back to him, the third facing him, the fourth with her back to him, the fifth facing him, and the last three with their backs to him....

How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias?

They're flying in-formation.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realising that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and Jess the sheepdog is getting a bit old, he decides he'll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding dogs- ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

The wishes conundrum...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

​

The woman freed the frog, and the...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

The Penguin Joke

One day a cop pulls over a van and when he walked up to the drivers window he sees a flock of penguins buckled into the seats.

The cop asks the driver "are those penguins?"

The driver says "yes, they are my pets."

The cop replies to the driver "You need to take them to the zoo i...

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who was stranded in Africa

\[A more politically correct re-write of an earlier joke this week\]

​

Hundreds of years ago, there was a European salt trader who went all over the world on his caravan selling his wares. One year as he was traveling through Africa, he was betrayed by his caravan and left f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

A missionary goes to an African tribe

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted. But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandment...

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Twelve-Inch Pianist (A Classic)

A man walks into a bar, reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny piano and a little man. He places them down on the counter in front of the bartender as the little man starts playing a slow, reverent, and deeply moving rendition of the DuckTales theme song. After he finishes his musical masterp...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Arguing with an anti-vaxxer is like playing chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good at chess you are, the pigeon will just knock over pieces, shit on the board, and then fly back to its flock to claim victory.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate walked into a bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said : 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.

What happened? You look terrible.'

'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender: 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'

Pirate: 'Well, we were in a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two young male chinstrap penguins are having an argument.

They can’t settle it so they go to visit Salty, the oldest and wisest penguin in the flock.

“How big do penguins get?” Asked Slippy

“Once knew a king penguin that grew to over three feet tall.” He replied

“Can penguins get any bigger than that?” Asked Slippy a bit more despera...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master...

A Kung Fu student in ancient China goes to meet his wise old master. He says:

"Master, I keep trying but I cannot do the Kick of a Thousand Exploding Suns. Help me Master!"

His master gives him an anecdote.

"Have you seen the waves of the ocean crashing into the white cliffs whi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The priests rooster

The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.

He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.

The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.

At...

Let’s make like a shepherd

and get the flock out of here!

The blonde that tried.

A blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair dyed so she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep ...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson was taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field. As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.

"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"

"Elementary, Dear Watson. There ...

There is a country that is still mostly undocumented

This country is not too large in size, but it's covered by miles and miles of tar. It's gone by many names, such as "The Country of Tar," and still lacks an official title. According to the few documents that exist for it, the tar covering the country could conceal countless amounts of undiscovered ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

A monastery has a barbecue

It is usually prohibited for monks to eat meat, but the abbot one day realised that most monks had rarely eaten meat in their lifetime in the first place.

He decided that it would better for them to indulge in the taste and then learn to stave of the temptation of later consumption, so that ...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

A vulture and his son

A long time ago, in a very flat place, there lived a teenage vulture named Red. He and his father were the only vultures around, and dined on the various animals that were hit by trucks on the highway. As most teenagers do, Red eventually got tired of his diet of dead things.

"Dad" he whined....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men die and go to hell

Three men, all addicts, die and go to hell, where they meet Satan standing atop a mountain of skulls. Satan calls out to the trio "Men, welcome to hell. To atone for your word sins, you will each spend a millennia locked in a room with your vice of voice."
The men are quickly escorted to their ro...

Black Sheeps, White Sheeps

A city guy goes hiking and comes across an old shepherd pasturing his flock. The guy is alone so he decides to have a little chat with the shepherd while having a rest. Word by word, their chat gets to sheep.

Guy: How much milk do sheeps give per day?

Shepherd: The white ones or the bl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

counting sheep

So sick of hearing blonde jokes, a blonde cut her long hair and dyed it brown.

The next day she drove out into the countryside where she came upon a flock of sheep crossing the road. Stopping her car to watch the fluffy flock, she called out to the shepherd, "Your sheep are so cute. If I gues...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy named Flayer

In ancient times, back when modern woes and tragedies were instead replaced by orcs, goblins, and bandits, there was once a lonely shepherd boy, known by the locals as Flayer, a young adventurous lad, forced by his father to tend to his flock.

"Oh tending to sheep is such a bore! I should be...

The white missionary was summoned by the African Chieftain one day...

The Chieftain tells the missionary, “word has reached me that a white baby has been born down the road a ways, and there is not a single other white man within a thousand miles,”
The missionary thinks on it for a second, then turns to look out the window. He responds to the Chieftain, “you must ...

After a terrible storm, a man and his sheepdog are stranded on a large desert island.

They manage to set up camp and survive. The man searches the island every day, but never finds any other people.

One day, as the man and his dog are walking, they find a small flock of sheep grazing.

Looking at the sheep, the man gets an idea.

Now, he isn't the kind of guy wh...

A blond is tired

A blond gets tired of blond jokes, so she dyes her hair. She goes for a ride and comes across a farmer with a flock of sheep. She asks the farmer, "If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?" The farmer accepts. The blond guesses, "382". The farmer says, "Wow, that'...

A blonde is driving through the country

She had just recently dyed her hair brown and was moving out to a small rural community to start a fresh life living off the land.

As she is driving down a down an old gravel road she comes across a farmer moving his sheep across the road, he's almost done so she stops to let him finish. Look...

Jean Paul and Jean Pierre are hanging out at the beach.

Jean Paul asks, "hey Jean Pierre, look at all the beautiful ladies here. How do you get them to pay attention to you?"

Jean Pierre says, "my friend, here is a little secret for you. Just take a potato and put it in your speedo, and the women will flock to you."

The next day, Jean Paul ...

What does a sheepdog say when he sees something shady going down?

"Let's get the flock out of here"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Welsh Airways plane experiences technical trouble...

Welsh Airways pilots Dai and Rhodri are struggling to control their stricken aircraft as it plummets towards the ground. The aircraft is loaded with high value cargo, including a flock of award winning sheep.

Rhodri: "We're going to have to crash land somewhere!"

Dai: "But what about ...

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe...

He spends his days teaching the way of the lord. After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain ...

The priest, the minister and the rabbi

The priest, the minister and the rabbi are talking about what are they doing with the donation of their congregation.
-I use one quarter for myself, and I spend the rest for the church and for the glory of God- says the priest.
-I spend the half of the money for my sustainment, and the rest I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke told to me by my psychology professor...

I'll start by letting you know the backstory to this. It was the first day of class and my professor was giving a brief overview of physiological studies and theories. He then went into a very long description of a supposed psychologist who studied the training of dolphins and it went something like...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first...

A cowboy shows up the morning of his first cattle drive. He notices a small flock of sheep with the cattle but thinks nothing of it. After a few weeks on the trail, he was watching the herd one night when he notices a drover go to the flock of sheep, pick one out, and take it over a hill. He brought...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock.

As soon as he gets it home the cock fucks each of the farmer's 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock fucks all 150 hens again.

The next day the cock fucks a flock of ducks, and on the next day a flock of geese. The day after that the farmer finds the cock lying on the ground, h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is fu...

A blond is done with all the blond jokes.

A blond is done with all the blond jokes. So she makes a plan....

She sells her house, dyes her hair and packs her stuff in her small car. She heads in a random direction to find a place to start her new life as a brunette. After some time driving she finds herself in a hilly landscape. She i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell...

Frank comes home late at night, drunk as hell, throws himself in bed and falls asleep. All of a sudden he stands in front of the pearly gates and St. Peter says: "See Frank, you died in your sleep." But Frank begs: "But why? I wanted to do so much still. Isn't there a way to get back?" St. Peter scr...

What does an Otrinthologist call a group of hookers?

a flock of swallows

Job taken seriously

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt.

The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the ...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day...

Jesus is walking around in heaven one day, checking in on everybody to make sure they're enjoying the place.

He checks in with Mother Teresa and sure enough, there she is in the middle of a party having a grand time with all her friends. So Jesus moves on.

He checks in on Martin Luther...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Guys go to heaven

3 guys die and end up at the gates of heaven. God appears before them and says "Congratulations you have made it to heaven however I have one test for you. If you can cross this flock of sheep, without touching any of them, I will reward you by letting you fuck a really hot girl. If you do end up to...

A young man grew fed up with modern life

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep. So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked th...

Confucius say to quiet the herd

One must shut the flock up

TIL about Mexican drug birds.

During the early 60s drug cartels would use South-American mallard flocks to smuggle drugs over the border.

The birds' predictable migration patterns and considerable size made them perfect for the job, until a few years later.

That's when the ducks got wise and just started smoking ...

A lawyer, priest and doctor... (pretty long joke)

A doctor, priest and lawyer have a wealthy friend on his deathbed. The wealthy man tells them "I know they say you can't take it with you but I'm willing to try. I'm going to give you duffel bags with 5 million in cash each and at my funeral I want each of you to put it in my grave". Sure enough the...

A customer at a hotel resort goes to complain to the manager.

"Manager," he says, "there are far too many mosquitoes here. Is there perhaps something you can do to fix it?"

The manager replies: "Absolutely sir, when the mosquitoes get particularly bad we use my grandfather. We bring him out on his wheelchair and cover him in honey and all the mosquitoes...

A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

Have you ever heard the one about the brown nosed duck?

He was just as fast as the others in the flock, but he couldn't stop.

Pigeons...

I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms.

I think it might be a military coo.

Once upon a time, there were two cavemen...

There were two cavemen overlooking the tundra.

Caveman 1: Hey look! A flock of elephants!

Caveman 2: Herd?

Caveman 1: Herd of what?

Caveman 2: HERD of elephants.

Caveman 1: 'course I have! There's a flock of them, right over there!

The blond one

There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blonde jokes.

One day, she decided to get a makeover, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of shee...

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog.

His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

And says to the bartender "Hey buddy, if I show you something truly **amazing**, will ya give me a free drink?"

The bartender looks around, and seeing how its an insanely slow day, and he's bored out of his wits cleaning glasses all day, says "Sure, why the hell not? But it has to be **amazin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man and his son are sitting in a clearing.

The man points to a bridge and says to his son, "You see that bridge, son? I built that bridge. Do they call me a bridge builder? No they don't."

He points to a barn.

"You see that barn? I built that barn. Do they call me a barn builder? No they don't, son."

The man points to a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Now that you put it that way...

A christian missionary spends a year in a remote African village spreading the gospel. In that time the tribal chiefs daughter gets pregnant, and eventually has a baby that turns out to be white.

Outraged the chief confronts the missionary. Being the only white person his daughter had ever ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

New Rooster

The rooster is getting old, so the farmer went to the co-op and introduced a healthy young cock to his chicken flock. The old cock heads on over to introduce himself.

"Hey there, kid," says the old rooster. "Now, I know you're young and all anxious to prove yourself to the old timer. Sure, I...

What's Gandalf's favorite band?

A Flock of Smeagols

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Meanwhile, in a different part of the Jingle....

...a lizard is walking along when he smells marijuana smoke. Having a good sense of smell, and not a stranger to the occasional toke, he follows it to the source and comes to the base of a truly mighty tree. High up in the branches is a monkey smoking a joint.

"Hey monkey" he yells.

T...