UPJOKE
stomachpelvisthoraxliveruterusbellynavelabdominal cavitypaunchpancreasdigestive tractspleenpotbellypubisrumen

Tummy Jokes

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m attracted to my neighbor’s garden decoration. The beard, the cute tummy….

Does that make me a gnomosexual?

What type of cheese will always hurt your tummy?

OUCHIES!!

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The first day of first grade

The teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."
"That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."
The next child raised her hand ...

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I patted her tummy, smiled and said, “Nah..."

"I’s probably womb temperature!"

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount...

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.
...

I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug,

apparently 9 out of 10 people suffered from diarrhoea.

I can’t stop thinking about the tenth person that actually enjoyed it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night nerves

A young man who was a virgin had never known any kind of intimacy with a woman was nervous about his wedding night. Picking up on his fear, his mother offered some advice.

"Just gently rub her tummy and tell her you love her. She'll guide you the rest of the way."

So, that night, as t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy...?

How come when a woman is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say, "Congratulations" but no one rubs the guy's balls and says "Good job"?!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

My first girlfriend was experienced

On our third date my girlfriend and I made our way to the back seat of my car. I explained I was new at this so needed instruction. She unbuckled her pants and told me to start rubbing her tummy and whisper in her ear. As I rubbed her tummy and whispered "I love you" in her ear she said "lower, lowe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new medication is

The prescription text reads "take a teaspoon twice a day". So I did for a week.

I'm out of teaspoons now and I have a tummy ache.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave was suffering from a terrible headache, so he went to see his doctor, who was a recent medical graduate.

The young doctor listened to him carefully and told him, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your wide and ask your wife to pour some gin down your ."


"What???" said Dave. The Doctor repeated patiently, "Go home, lie down on your tummy, open your wide and ask your wife to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man from Brazil

Who swallowed a dynamite pill

His tummy perspired

His backfired

And his balls flew over the hill

Men are better cooks

With just a piece of sausage and an egg, they can fill a woman's tummy for 9 months.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's flop down and is shocked.

"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"

Embarrassed, the mot...

Two cannibals were walling down the street.

They were going to meet with all the other cannibals in their village, but as they're walking together, one turns to the other and says: "I don't feel so good."

The other one goes: "What's wrong?"

The first one whimpers: "My tummy, it hurts."

The second one says: "It must have ...

Dad how are babies made?

Dad: Daddy plants a seed in mums tummy.
Daughter: Does mummy swallow the seed?
Dad: Only if she wants new shoes

A woman is looking at herself naked in the mirror

....she rubs her tummy and says to her husband "I feel ugly, fat and disgusting. Pay me a compliment"
Husband says "well, your eyesight is spot on"

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two ladies are in the gym locker room ....

changing into their running outfits. One lady notices her friend's tummy and asks: "Sara, why is there wax in your belly button?" Sara says, "Oh, you'll never believe how romantic my boyfriend can be. He just loves to eat by candlelight."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Evolution of bowel issues

The evolution of communication about stomach issues with your significant other:

Dating: Sorry, I can’t go out. I don’t feel so well tonight.

Engaged: I need to stay home honey. My tummy hurts.

Newlyweds: Ohhh. I don’t think that food agreed with me. I’m not feeling so well. Ta...

Timmy and the priest #1

One day little Timmy is sitting on the front porch contemplating a bottle of turpentine. A priest walks by and asks Timmy what he has.

"Well, Father this here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This here is turpentine."

"Actually, Timmy, the most powerful liquid in the world is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johhny was playing with a bottle in the street

when a priest happend to be walking by and said "what are you doing there sonny"
he said, "im playing with this bottle of sulphuric acid"
The priest, shocked said "don't you realise thats very dangerous!? Here, look. I'll trade you this bottle of Holy water.
Little Johnny said "oh, no way"...

Two kids watch a pot-bellied man undress in a changing room,

One of them say "What is in your tummy that makes it so round?" To have some fun the pot-bellied man says, "A bomb". Dumbfounded the second child says, "What a short fuse!"

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

A five year old boy won't stop sucking his thumb...

His mother has tried everything: gloves on his hands, bad-tasting glaze on his fingernails, rewards charts, etc., but somehow or another her son would always end up with his thumb back in his mouth.

Finally, after many exasperating months, the mother bursts out with, "Listen, son: Every time ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What is the fastest thing you know?"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching Childbith

The nurse approached him, smiling. "The labor is going great," she said. "Wouldn't you like to come in?"

"Oh, no," the man shook his head.

The nurse returned to the mother's side, and the labor progressed smoothly.

As the birth neared, the nurse returned to the man, now pacing f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy goes to the doctor complaining about increased appetite and insatiable hunger.

The doctor asks for the symptoms and diagnoses that he has tapeworms. The doctor prescribes medication and asks to meet him in a week. Tommy comes back and says that it was ineffective and that he still feels hungry all the time.

The doctor prescribes new stronger medicine but even then T...
8 jokes are hidden here because they may not be suitable for all ages.
show them anyway

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.