The Compost Heap

I was raised in a fairly hippy-ish town. The kind of place that was always looking to do something ecologically friendly in the days before the internet made it easy to share tips and tricks on how to cut down your carbon footprint.

One of the things they did was expand the recycling collect...

I hate it when a whole heap of people wearing cargo pants unexpectedly gather around me and get all excited.

It's like "Boo! Khaki party!"

How do you get heaps of pikachu on to a bus?

You pokemon

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A banana goes to her psychologist appointment.

She lies down on the chair, and starts describing her week.

"Oh, doctor, my life is in shambles. My ex-wife got custody of our youngest child, and the older one didn't invite me to his wedding. My boss constantly sexually harasses me and I can't say anything because I'll be fired if I do! The...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

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Thor hasn't had sex in a while...

It's been a long time. Thor decides he needs to get off.

And human chicks are hot.

So he visits Earth. Goes to a bar, meets a girl. With his God of Thunder good looks, his adventurous and supernatural stories, and the confidence of, well, an actual deity, she falls for him instantly....

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"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

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Little Nancy

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."...

An islander walks up to a hooker

And after checking the price he says “hey I want to do it island style”
“Sure “ she says as they begin to go at it hammer and tongs through every position and technique known to man, and each time she would ask “was that island style?” to which the answer every time was “no.. no.. no.. no.. no.. ...

A Lawyer needs some time off, and he decides to go hunting...

He's in the woods, looking for sport fowl, and he's having no luck. All of a sudden, this glorious pheasant flies up out of the undergrowth, and flies high over the treeline. With careful aim, the lawyer pulls the trigger and BOOM, the pheasant drops like a stone, out of the edge of the woods, and t...

Jesus is hanging on the cross. Paul is nearby. Jesus calls to Paul

"Paul, come to me please." Paul rushes forward and is immediately beaten back by Roman soldiers. They beat him senseless and leave him in a heap on the side of the road.

Paul awakens to hear Jesus calling again, "Paul, come to me. I need you.". Paul rushes the soldiers and is badly beaten aga...

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

A man sneezed during Joseph Stalin's speech

The audience, after first cheering their heads off at his arrival, sat hushed and silent, not wanting to make a sound to disturb the speech of their great leader. But then, someone in the audience let out a loud sneeze. Stalin stopped and looked around for the scoundrel that just disrupted his speec...

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A man moves to a new neighborhood...

...and after getting settled in, he goes down to the nehborood bar. When he walks in. He sees a fishbowl full of $100 bills on the bar with a note that says “Ask bartender about contest”.

So the guy sits down, orders a beer, and motions towards the fishbowl. He asks the bartender, “So what’s...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

An Italian man travels to the Caribbean

An Italian man saved up his money and after many years he finally had enough money to attain his lifelong dream, traveling to the tropics of Central America. He explored many different towns and beaches as he traveled around the beautiful land. But in one place he found a beach that was disgusting a...

One fall, a farmer is cutting firewood

He spends all day cutting logs and splitting them and stacking them, and as he's winding down for the day he sees an elderly Indian watching him silently from over the fence. So he goes over and says "How?" and the Indian says "How. Gottum smoke?" and the farmer hands over a pouch of tobacco, and th...

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Traffic Cop

After spending an hour at the mall I was ready to head home, but as I exited into the parking lot I saw a police officer writing a ticket.


"Hey, what gives?!" I exclaimed, hoping for some kind of explanation.


Without saying a word, the officer pointed to the no parking sign abo...

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

"When out of ammunition, just hold your hand as if you were holding a gun, and say 'bang bang'"

It was just before a critical offensive, and the troops were being issued their weapons. Lenski was last in line, and they handed out the last rifle to the man in front of him. Furious, Lenski shouted, “Hey, what about my gun?”
“Listen, bud,” advised the munitions officer, “just keep your hands o...

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Two Aliens Land in the Desert..

Two aliens come to earth and land in the desert beside an abandoned gas station.
The younger alien walks up to a pump and says "We come in peace, take us to your leader"
The pump says nothing.
The alien is frustrated and says again louder and more confident "We come in peace.. Take US to...

A Scotsman goes to London

One day, a Scotsman traveled to the big city. He was impressed by all of the shops, tall buildings, and the bustle of city life. At one point, he came upon a storefront with a sign that read:

-Shirts: £3
-Trousers: £5
-Suit Coats: £10

"O'ch, that's a screaming good deal!" the Sc...

Three young friends,

seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.


Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never bef...

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Don't go

Two friends were walking home one evening and a young sexy woman was blowing kisses at one of them from the window of a lovely bungalow.

1st friend: "Man, it looks like that babe is blowing kisses at me."

2nd friend: "Guy leave her alone, don't pay any attention to her."

Then th...

Hillary Clinton has a seizure during the debate...

"Mrs. Clinton," the Moderator asks, "What is your plan to lower the national debt?"

Suddenly, Hillary flails her arms around, rolls her eyes wildly, foams at the mouth, and gibbers incoherently for several awkward minutes. Finally, she collapses in a heap and soils herself.

"Hey!" Trum...

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Big Ass Lill..

I’ve got a story to tell, sad but true

a whore I once knew.

Big Ass Lill, the village queen,

roughest whore I’d ever seen.
--------------

Now some whores fcuk in the midnight breeze,

others fcuk with galiant ease.

Big Ass Lill, she fcuks for keeps,
...

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It's World War 1...

British and German troops are set deep in the French countryside within their respective trenches. Separating them is no man's land, a small field littered with barbed wire, mortar craters, fallen heroes and their armaments.

Shots are being sporadically fired in each direction with no side ga...

One day a small farmhouse catches on fire

The fire quickly becomes a towering inferno, while the family sleeps. A pig breaks out of the pig pen and rushes into the house. One by one it drags the family members out to safety. The next day a local news service comes by to cover the amazing story. The family and community heaps praise on t...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how ...

The Bell Ringer

A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest an...

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The Clown Joke

**Preface** - *I did not write this joke, but it has been my favorite for twenty years and remains the only long joke that I ever bother reciting irl. I hope you enjoy it:).*

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact t...

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Two aliens attack on earth

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.' The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. ...

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Two guys were having a round of golf

On the 13th hole the jack sliced the ball off into the brush way off to the left.
Jimmy was laughing as he placed his ball for his swing and did the same thing way off to the right.

They tell each other how much they suck and move on to find there balls.
Jack was first to find his in a ...

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3 explorers are lost in the amazon...

...and are found by tribe known to be unfriendly to outsiders. The 3 explorers are bound and brought before the chief. The great chief, with the whole village watching, declares the explorers each have a choice... Death! or Bulla Bulla! The first explorer looks at the other two and says, "well, n...

An old one from Isaac Asimov

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

Magic slide

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide sho...

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The farmer and the rooster

A farmer decides that he wants to buy a rooster for his farm. One day the farmer brings home a rooster and puts in with all the hens. Immediately the rooster begins going at it with the hens, the farmer goes inside while the rooster carries on. Hours later the farmer comes back outside and notices t...

Drunk Wrestler

A professional wrestler was visiting his friend in a small town,and one night they stayed little too long at the pub.Not wanting to drive,they decided t walk home.As they were crossing a farmer's field,a bull charged them.The wrestler grabbed the bull by the horns,and they went down in a snarling he...

Tonto's Headache

As the Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the trail the Lone Ranger kept noticing Tonto was wavering in the saddle. He was clinching his eyelids, rubbing at his temples and giving out low moans.

The Lone Ranger asks, "What is wrong my Faithful Indian Companion?"

"Not know for sure...

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I have a similar Russian joke I'll translate to English as best as I can

A son comes home from school with a note from the principal, and is met by his dad.

"Dad, the principal asked you to meet him soon."

"Why? What happened?"

"Well, during PE today I threw a dodgeball wrong and it smashed the trophy cabinet and now it needs to be replaced."

...

A man came home from work

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden,

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an...

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Sex mad rooster!

There is this farmer and one day he goes into the chicken coop and the rooster says to him "dude I am gagging for a fuck" so he takes the rooster into the hen hutch next door and closes the door, moments later there is a huge commotion, feathers fly out the window there is raucous clucking and crowi...

Abe and Eva just aren't cutting it in bed...

Ok. My last joke bombed. BOMBED.

.

Ok. So Abe and Eva? They're not quite getting the ol' magical finale in bed as they used to. After so many years of marriage, Eva isn't cresting the mountaintop. This concerns the pair of them, so they decide to visit their Rabbi for advice.

....

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