I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.

​

"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."

​

"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"

&...

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

What do you call a jar that's slightly open?

ajar

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I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

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A man walks into a bar where’s there’s a jar stuffed with money...

“What’s with the jar?” Says the man as he sits down.

The bartender looks over, “An ongoing competition. It’s $5 to enter, but if you can make the horse out back laugh you take the jar and the money.”

The man takes out his wallet, puts a fiver in and walk out the back door. A minute l...

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Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

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A kid is walking down the street with a jar of money and dragging along a dead frog on a string

And he walks into a whorehouse. He sets the jar of money on the counter and proclaims to a woman in the lobby "I want to have sex with the dirtiest, nastiest woman you have here." She glares at him and replies "get outta here. you're too young to be here." The kid retorts, pointing at the jar and sa...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

Have you heard of the new club Pooh’s Honey Jar?

The bouncers name was Tigger!

What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.

“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”

The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now a...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

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The Bar Jar Challenge

*Seeing as I just typed this whole bastard from memory for an /r/AskReddit thread, I thought y'all might enjoy it too:*

A guy walks into a bar and notices a large jar full of $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Bartender says, "People can pay the...

An arab man found the face of Mohammed in his margarine jar

He showed it to his Chinese neighbor who said " I can't believe it's not Buddha"

What do you call a laughing jar of mayo?

LMAYO

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills.

The man asks "what's that jar for?" The bartender replies "well if you complete the challenge, you get that entire jar" the man says "there's got to be at least $2500 in there, what's the challenge?" The Bartender says "well first, you have to knock that guy out of his stool" the bartender point at...

A man walks into a bar he has never been to and notices a mason jar filled with 20$ bills.

He asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender replies saying “This is a challenge we have. You put a 20$ bill in the jar and we give you a bottle of tequila. You must drink the entire bottle, then go outside and pull a tooth from the dog hooked to the fence. Once you do that you must go u...

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it.

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it. He asked the bartender what the bet was. The bartender pointed to two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and said, "The bet is that you can't jump and hit both pieces of meat before you land back on th...

I accidentally walked in my roommate and saw him slathering himself with jars of Mayo.

What the Hellmann!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

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A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money

He speaks with the bartender

Man:"That's a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?".

Bartender:"We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn't work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh yo...

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Swear Jar

I would get a swear jar but I can't put anything in the fucker!

What do you call an empty jar of cheese whiz?

Cheese was

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

I bought two jars of queso instead of one...

The other one is just in queso-mergency.

What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common?

I banged them both on the kitchen bench

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

Dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out...

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money

The guy asks "What is the jar for?". Bartender replies "That is a challenge jar." "What's that?" The guys asks. "The challenge is, that you get 2 tasks. 1st Is that there is a grandma in the 3rd floor of this house that hasn't had a man in 40 years. So you will need to pleasure her. The 2. one is th...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.<...

There was this guy who asked me, "how do I open this jar?!"

"Install the latest version of the Java Runtime Environment", I said. Silly guy, now he's all confused. People these days... SMH.

I always collected my old farts in a jar

and took them with me whenever I had an exam. It‘s how I passed my classes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How is life like a jar of jalapeños?

What you do today could burn your ass tomorrow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my mates hosted a circle jerk the other night and put £5 in the pot. We all put £5 into a jar and whoever ejaculated last got all the money in the jar. I came in a respectable second.

Which meant I finished in last place.

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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband with his dick deep in the peanutbutter jar. She screams:

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!

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(Long) A dude walks into a bar and sees a large jar of money...

He orders his drink and asked the bartender why there was a massive pickle jar full of $10 bills? The bartender points out the window “you see that horse in the stable? Put your money in the jar and if you can make him laugh, you get all the money.” The guy thought about it for a moment and says “ye...

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A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis

Lady asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

Edit : Costume party, not fancy dress

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house…

That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore…

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So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

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Joe's new motorcyle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great con...

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

What do you get when you cross a Sahara with a jar of peanuts?

Damn thirsty.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] So a man walks into a pub. There is a jar of money on the bar...

He asks the bartender "what's with the jar of money?" The bartender tells him there is a few tasks, and if he can complete them, he can have all the money in it. Without hesitation, the man asks what those tasks are.

The bartender says "First, you must drink this entire bottle of vodka straig...

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Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

I tried catching a jar of fog today

I mist

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was always told whoever gets caught with their dick in a peanut butter jar is...

F*cking nuts

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I woke up with my dick in a jar of cashews

I've always loved cashews this....this is fucking nuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into the bank with a giant glass jar filled with coins.

Impressed, the teller exclaims "Oh, my! Did your horde all this yourself?"

The woman replied and said, no my sister whored for half of it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

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Three bees in a jar

You should go up to a person and start telling them this:

"There are three bees stuck in a jar. Two females and one male. The females want to get out of the jar, and the male knows how to get out of the jar. One of the females goes to the male and asks him, 'How do I get out of this thing?' T...

An old lady goes up to the help counter at her local electronics store clutching a jar of marmalade.

"I found this in my pantry," she says, "and I'm wondering if it will work. You see? I've strained out all the peel."

"Ma'am, I have no idea what you're talking about," says the geek working the desk.

"The last time I was here," she replies, "you told me that when my printer says LOAD...

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Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"

"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that mo...

Life is like a jar of jellybeans

Everyone hates the black ones.

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

A man sees a pickle jar filled with money

A man goes into a bar for a drink. He gets a few beers and then sees a pickle jar behind the bar filled with 10 dollar bills, he asks the bartender "What's with the money in that jar?". The bartender replies, "It's a challenge we have in here, everyone puts in 10 dollars and then tries their hand at...

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The Jar in the Bar

So a man goes out to meet his buddies at a new bar. When he arrives, the first thing he sees is a giant glass jar in the far corner of the room, 7 feet by 6 feet, packed to the brim with $10 bills.

He sits down and asks his buddies, "What's with the jar?"
"No idea" responds his friend, s...

Dropped my phone in a jar of mayo

What the Hellman

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I started a swear jar at home...

I can't wait until it's full so I can buy some fucking cool shit.

A man walks into a bar and sees a mason jar full of money on the counter

*"You sure get a lot of tips"* he says.
"That's not a tip jar" says the bartender "you see, we like to play a little game here. You put five bucks into the jar, you get three tasks, and if you complete them, the entire jar is yours. Wanna play?
*"Sure, why not?"*
"Alright, here we go....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..."

"I shoulda made a sandwich first."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The doctor's jar

There was an old man who was worried something was wrong with his penis. He decided to go to the doctor to get a diagnosis.

After some x-rays and checkups, the doctor got results.

"Looks like you have a testicle infection. I need further data, so I need you to masturbate into this jar ...

A man saw a jar at a store's check-out counter that read "Donate $1 for children".

"That's a good deal!" he thought.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar with a jar of money...

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money sitting on the counter. Curious, he asks the bartender about it. The man replies, "It's a contest we have. Put $20 in the jar, chug a bottle of tequila without puking, then go into the next room and pull the bad tooth from the vicious rottweiler, then g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar and see a jar filled with $5 bills...

He sits down and the bartender tells him if he puts $5 in the jar and completes 3 different tasks he would win all the money in the jar.

The man agrees to try. He puts the $5 in the jar and then the bartender proceeds to tell him what he first 3 tasks are.

"First you have to drink a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of money.

He asks the bartender, "What's with the jar of money?" "That's from everyone that's tried to make my horse laugh. Put a dollar in the jar and if you get him to laugh the money's yours."

The guy puts a dollar in the jar and the bartender walks him out back. "Here's my horse. You get one chance...

My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars.

Now she'll have to talk to me.