I relabeled all the jars in my wife's spice rack.

I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz?

Cheese Wuz

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A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

“What are the three tests?" asks the man

“Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

“OK, here's...

A man walks into a sperm bank with a jar in his hand

"What are you here for today, sir?" the front desk woman asks.

The man explains, "So I was here a couple of days ago and I was asked to bring a sample of my sperm. So I got home and I used both my left hand and right hand. Nothing. I asked my wife for help. She used her left hand and then her...

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in...

It’s currently half empty...

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Some guy spat in my 'tips' jar...

So I says "Hey asshole, you coulda just not tipped, that was a bit much!"
Then he said "Oh, sorry, I read it backwards."

A grandma and her peanut jar.

Everytime I went over to my grandmothers place there was always a full jar of peanuts.

Since I love peanuts, I would always eat a lot of them whenever I was at her house.

One day I finally asked my grandmother why she always had a full jar of peanuts lying around.

Grandma: well...

What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

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So a man is in the waiting room for his therapist. He is lying on the ground, and has a jar of planters peanuts. He sticks is penis is the peanuts and is getting it on. The Therapist walks out and says "What the hell are you doing?"

He says "Cant you see I'm fucking nuts?"

Why wouldn't the jelly come out of the jar?

It was jammed.

Why did the jar not need to be opened?

Because it was already ajar.

What do you call a jar that's slightly open?

ajar

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money...

He asks the bartender what that's all about. The bartender replies, "20 bucks and you're in. The first person to chug this entire bottle of vodka and eat the worm at the bottom, then in the back there's a mean rottweiler with a sore tooth you gotta pull it's tooth. After that there's a 90 year old w...

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I really hate it when beggars shake their coin jar at me

I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

What did the cook say when he accidentally dropped the jar of duck fat?

Ma-lard!

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of money on the counter.

He asks the bartender, “what is that jar for?” The bartender replies, “its for a contest, the person who wins gets all the money. First you have to beat that guy up” and he points to a buff guy in the corner. “Then, I have a bulldog with a tooth that’s been killing him. You have to pull it out. Then...

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A man goes into his favorite bar and sees a jar of money on the counter with the word "win" printed on it.

"What's this about?" he asks the bartender.



"That's our monthly contest. You put in a $20 entry fee and then perform the three acts. If you complete all three successfully you win the pot."



"Cool," he says. "What are the three acts?"



"Well, first, you hav...

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of $100 bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

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I dropped my swear jar

About a hundred motherfuckers escaped.

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a big jar full of money on the counter

He asks the bartender about it, and he replies, "Oh, it's for this ongoing... I guess you'd call it a contest."

Intrigued, the man asks how it works.

"Well, you put $100 in and then you'll win the whole jar if you complete three tasks."

The jar is quite large and full to the b...

You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!

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A Dad is walking past his teen son's open bedroom door and hears the sounds of masturbation.

Looking inside his assumption is confirmed. "Son, relax, you're not in trouble, you've done nothing wrong." Junior is frozen in shock by his Dad. Dad continues, "You should just save that till after you're married." Dad then walks away and nothing else is said.

Years later, Dad is once ag...

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

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Last year my girlfriend made me make a swear jar, every time I swear I have to put $1 in and after 12 months it goes to charity. Today I opened it up and said out loud ‘Blooming heck, there’s no gosh darn money in here.’

‘Cause I’m a fucking tight arse.

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A guy is sitting in a bar when he sees a jar full of $50 & $100 bills

He turns to the bartender and asks what the jar is all about.

“You can put a $50 or $100 bill in there and get it back as well as win all the money in the jar if you complete three tasks that I give you”

The guy says oh alright and continues drinking his beer. A while has passed now a...

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Walked in on my roommate sticking his dick in a jar of almonds

He's fucking nuts.

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Last night I lost my virginity to a jar of peanut butter.

People told me I was fucking nuts.

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Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

What did Zelda say to Link when he had trouble opening the jar?

Triforce

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A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar filled with $100 dollar bills.

He asks the bartender what's with the jar?

Bartender tells him you won all the money if you complete the challenge, but I won't tell you what it is untill you put your $100 into the jar.

The man is so curious about the challenge, then after a few drinks he says.
"Fuck it!"
Then ...

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A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money

He speaks with the bartender

Man:"That's a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?".

Bartender:"We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn't work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh yo...

A man walks into a bar he has never been to and notices a mason jar filled with 20$ bills.

He asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender replies saying “This is a challenge we have. You put a 20$ bill in the jar and we give you a bottle of tequila. You must drink the entire bottle, then go outside and pull a tooth from the dog hooked to the fence. Once you do that you must go u...

An arab man found the face of Mohammed in his margarine jar

He showed it to his Chinese neighbor who said " I can't believe it's not Buddha"

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills.

The man asks "what's that jar for?" The bartender replies "well if you complete the challenge, you get that entire jar" the man says "there's got to be at least $2500 in there, what's the challenge?" The Bartender says "well first, you have to knock that guy out of his stool" the bartender point at...

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it.

A guy walks into a bar to see a jar labelled 'BET MONEY' with a couple hundred dollars in it. He asked the bartender what the bet was. The bartender pointed to two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling and said, "The bet is that you can't jump and hit both pieces of meat before you land back on th...

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There are 3 flies in a jar, one male, two female. One day, one of the female flies decides she wants to get out of the jar. She goes up to the other female fly and says, "Hey, how do you get out of the jar?" The other female fly says, "I don't know, maybe ask him."

So the female fly goes up to the male fly and asks, "Hey, how do you get out of this jar?"

The male fly says, "I can tell you, but you have to fuck me first." And flies....they aren't very smart. So they do it and the male fly tells the female fly, "You start from the bottom of the jar and fl...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds...

An old man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of wrinkly, dried up lemon rinds. He sits down and orders a beer from one hell of a beefy, muscled bartender. He takes a shakey sip from his dark, dark beer, puts it back down, and asks about the lemons as old and shriveled as he is.

"We have a ...

I accidentally walked in my roommate and saw him slathering himself with jars of Mayo.

What the Hellmann!

I have a jar in my garage labeled, "My Bachelor Years."

It's filled with a bunch of random screws.

What's Jar Jar Binks' favorite soup?

Miso soup

I bought two jars of queso instead of one...

The other one is just in queso-mergency.

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Swear Jar

I would get a swear jar but I can't put anything in the fucker!

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Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

I was bored, so I spent all day re-arranging my spice rack, only for one of the herb jars to exploded all over me...

I've got way too much thyme on my hands

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I hurled a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...

I fought the slaw and the slaw won.

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A Jar Full of Hundreds

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender about the jar.

"That jar? You put in your $100 and you go over there behind the first door. See it?"

"Yeah", says the guy. "What's behind it?"

"The ugliest, fattest girl in this county. You have ...

What does a pickle jar and your mom have in common?

I banged them both on the kitchen bench

What did the spice jar say as he emptied into the dish?

Oh my god, I'm cumin!!!

In science class, 3 worms were places into 3 different jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol ---dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.<...

A man amd his wife walk into a store and the wife steals a jar of peaches

Loss prevention catches her however, and pulls them aside to wait for a police officer to show up. Upon arrival, he is told what happened and handed the jar. He then counts how many slices of peach there are, for she is to spend a week in jail for each one. In this case 6. The officer then pulls out...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money

The guy asks "What is the jar for?". Bartender replies "That is a challenge jar." "What's that?" The guys asks. "The challenge is, that you get 2 tasks. 1st Is that there is a grandma in the 3rd floor of this house that hasn't had a man in 40 years. So you will need to pleasure her. The 2. one is th...

Dropped my swear jar on my foot.

Just to see if I'd learnt anything.

Why did the jar of weak acid go to the gym.

To become a buffer solution

There was this guy who asked me, "how do I open this jar?!"

"Install the latest version of the Java Runtime Environment", I said. Silly guy, now he's all confused. People these days... SMH.

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A man goes into a pub and notices a big jar filled with $50 bills on the bar counter and gets curious

MAN: What is this jar thing, there must be hundreds of dollars in it ?
BARTENDER: We have a small game in our pub. Whoever completes three tasks correctly, wins the money in the jar.
MAN: What are the tasks then ?
BARTENDER: I can't tell you, you have to pay the $50 first.
Man gives the ...

I always collected my old farts in a jar

and took them with me whenever I had an exam. It‘s how I passed my classes.

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So a man sits down at a bar that has a huge jar full of cash on it...

The man calls the bartender and says "Hey, what's the jar for?" The bartender tells the man that the bar has a challenge where if a customer can complete 3 tasks they will take home all the money in the jar, but if they lose, they have to empty their wallet into it. The man sizes up the jar and asks...

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How is life like a jar of jalapeños?

What you do today could burn your ass tomorrow.

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A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

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A woman walks into the kitchen to find her husband with his dick deep in the peanutbutter jar. She screams:

ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of hundred dollar bills...

Guy asks the bartender, "What's the jar of hundred dollar bills for?"

Bartender says "Can't tell you until you've put in the cash."

Guy has a few beers, starts feeling ballsy, so he puts in the money.

Bartender tells him "So you can win this jar of bills, easily 10 grand, but yo...

I tried catching a jar of fog today

I mist

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A Motorcycle and a jar of Vaseline

Don buys a new motorcycle and before he leaves the seller gives him a jar of Vaseline and tells him to coat the bike with it before it rains to prevent rusting.

Don takes off and and picks up his girlfriend, Susan, and they head to her parents house for dinner. Before they go inside the hous...

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Me and my mates hosted a circle jerk the other night and put £5 in the pot. We all put £5 into a jar and whoever ejaculated last got all the money in the jar. I came in a respectable second.

Which meant I finished in last place.

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Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis

Lady asks, "What are you supposed to be?"

He says, "I'm a fireman."

"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.

He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass." Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"

Edit : Costume party, not fancy dress

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house…

That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore…

Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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Every time I have sex with my girlfriend I put a dollar in a jar.

On Valentine's Day I use what I saved to buy a gift for her.

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for...

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Joe's new motorcyle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old, It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great con...

What do you get when you cross a Sahara with a jar of peanuts?

Damn thirsty.

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[NSFW] So a man walks into a pub. There is a jar of money on the bar...

He asks the bartender "what's with the jar of money?" The bartender tells him there is a few tasks, and if he can complete them, he can have all the money in it. Without hesitation, the man asks what those tasks are.

The bartender says "First, you must drink this entire bottle of vodka straig...

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I woke up with my dick in a jar of cashews

I've always loved cashews this....this is fucking nuts.

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Three bees in a jar

You should go up to a person and start telling them this:

"There are three bees stuck in a jar. Two females and one male. The females want to get out of the jar, and the male knows how to get out of the jar. One of the females goes to the male and asks him, 'How do I get out of this thing?' T...

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I was always told whoever gets caught with their dick in a peanut butter jar is...

F*cking nuts

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

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When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

An old lady goes up to the help counter at her local electronics store clutching a jar of marmalade.

"I found this in my pantry," she says, "and I'm wondering if it will work. You see? I've strained out all the peel."

"Ma'am, I have no idea what you're talking about," says the geek working the desk.

"The last time I was here," she replies, "you told me that when my printer says LOAD...

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Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"

"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that mo...

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So there I was, balls deep in a jar of mayonnaise. When I said to myself, "Self..."

"I shoulda made a sandwich first."

Life is like a jar of jellybeans

Everyone hates the black ones.

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