This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

My neighbor got busted for growing weed today

Turns out my property line isn't anywhere near where I thought it was.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

The Quran is like weed...

if you burn it you get stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

John Denver used to own a weed shack

It was called "Rocky Mountain High"

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

Where does all your lost weed go?

The can abyss

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

What do you call a person that had a tracheostomy but still smokes a lot of weed?

A pot hole

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

weed and pregrant ladies

I've concluded that pregnant ladies and marijuana smokers have the same mindset about food.

Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on"

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy...

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It’s like this gun is magic

I killed some one with some weed.

One could say it was blunt force trauma.

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

My girlfriend asked me, “When’s the best time to smoke weed?”

“When?”

“It’s when I’m..weed you.”

Happy 4/20 folks

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Weed themed proposal

Marriage, you wanna?

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

I can’t stop eating these weed brownies my mom made.

I guess I have an edible complex

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

Wanna hear a good weed joke?

Never mind I forgot it.

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

If short people smoke weed ,

Do they get high or medium?

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

What do you call it when someone suggests a strain of weed to you?

A reeference.

What do you call a group of 13 people smoking weed?

A baked dozen.

A few guys grew some weed

A group of friends decided to experiment with growing weed one day. It proved to be a success and they were very proud of their work.

However, one member of the group decided to take all the credit for himself. This was foolish as it was obviously a joint effort...

I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do yoy call having sex with two woman while one of them is high on weed?

Two birds with one stoned.

I was expelled for smoking weed at school

All I wanted was a higher education

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

A cocaine guy, weed guy and crack guy had one thing in common.....

They all take the “high” way to their destination.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smoking weed is giving me terrible diarrhea...

Doc told me to shit or get off the pot.

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

Learned today what causes high tides.

Sea weed.

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are weed and pussy the exact opposite?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best

If I drink to much alcohol I’m called a alcoholic but if I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...

Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely

Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed?

This music sucks.

i definitely smoke weed too much

but i function very highly on it...........

How did the cops know two men were involved in the weed deal?

It was a joint effort

What do good weed dealers and bad engineers have in common?

Both know not to use what they sell

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

Why was the weed salesman so good at business in mecca

Because he got his profits high

who got arrested for weed possession during the black death?

the executioner, he was always stoning people.

With cannabis now legal in my country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking...

...you have less weed.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

Whats it called when an old person gets hurt smoking weed?

Joint pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.