Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

Weed is legal, but haircuts are not

It took them over 50 years, but the hippies finally won

A janitor at my work asked me to come over and smoke weed with her!!

I told her No. I can't stand high maintenance women.

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

What do you call a weed gummy

A High-chew

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

My two buddies wont stop arguing over weed.

Never mind they hashed it out.

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

Did you hear about the Janitor who got fired for smoking weed?

They claimed he was high maintainence.








Originally by Rick Aston Martin

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

Found out my mechanic dealt weed on the side,

now he's my spark plug.

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

A couple of cows were smoking weed and playing cards

That's right. The steaks were pretty high.

I've grown my own weed

I named the strain Malaysan Airlines because once take off, you're gone

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

I'm thinking of starting a podcast where we talk about carpentry and smoking weed

It would be all about joints

What do you call a family that smokes weed together?

Joint family.

Today is National Weed Appreciation Day.

Or as Snoop Dogg likes to call it, “My whole week.”

I divulged state secrets after smoking weed

I was charged with high treason

Grandma took my weed

so I took her wheelchair neither of us rolling.

A couple always consults their weed dealer before going to the bank...

The reason being they only have joint accounts

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What do you get at the end of a joint of dick weed?

Cock roach.

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop

I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

What do you call a bad weed trip?

Blunt trauma

What kind of weed do french people smoke?

Oui'd

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A joke

Jeff and Tim were sitting at a bar drinking, and Jeff turned to Tim and said, “y’know i never got me a proper education. I think I’ll go down to the community college and sign up for some classes”.
So Jeff later that day went to the community college and spoke to a man and the man told him “I’ll ...

What do you call a stoner who fell down a hill?

Tumble weed

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

I think my weed dealer gave me corona

I’ve got a chronic cough.

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

My dad confiscated my weed so I stole his flight ticket,

neither of us is getting high today

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

If a little person smokes weed...

...do they get high, or do they get medium?

What do you call an irishman who uses weed?

A baked potato

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over weed?

It was a high steaks game.

What do mermaids smoke when they want to get high?

Sea weed.

Why do mermaids smoke sea weed?

Because it contains the active ingredient THSea.

How do mermaids smoke sea weed?

Water bongs.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

What did the gardener say when he found a guy high on weed?

Keep off the grass

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

i smoked weed with JLO in high school

We went to J High together.

My 4 year old nieces jokes:

Why did the lobster flush?
Because the sea weed.

Why did the tomato blush?
Because he saw the salad dressing.

What did the little flower say to the big flower?
Hi ya bud.

Knock knock.
Whose there?
Ice cream .
Ice cream who?
Ice cream so you can hear...

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

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So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

Dad: a little birdie told me you are smoking weed.

Son: so now you are talking to birds and I am the one supposed to be smoking weed.

If you'd get back all the money that you have ever spent on weed,...

...imagine how much weeeeeed you could buy!

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

I tried using Roundup on the 7 weeds in our backyard.

Now we have 10 weeds.

I won't smoke weed

I'm afraid of heights

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair

Two doctors, Jenkins and Smith, are treating a man with lung disease.

They’re explaining how him smoking weed led to his condition worsening.

“But it’s just herbal!” the patient protested. “How can it be bad?”

Dr Jenkins sighed. “Apricot stones contain lethal amounts of cyanide. There is a certain plant in my back garden - if you sit under it for just te...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

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The Devil’s Deal

There were three guys- a sex addict a weed addict and a alcoholic. They went to hell for their sin and were standing in front of the devil.

The devil made a deal with them saying I will lock you in a room with for a 1000 years with your temptations and if you get over your sins I will send y...

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

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What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means it's good.

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed?

A dooberman.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

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A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

Mexican word of the day: ice mocha

I am really thirsty right now because ice mocha Lotta weed.

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

A cop asks a man who sold him the weed he was smoking

The man asks “what weed?”
The cop says “in your mouth!“
The man quickly hides it and again questions the cop what weed was he talking about
The cop frustrated, exclaims “I CAN SMELL YOUR MARIJUANA!”
The man tells the cop “You smelt it, you dealt it!”

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

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What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

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