My neighbor got busted for growing weed...

Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

A policeman catches a man with some weed in his pocket

"You're going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!" the policeman stated.

"But officer, this weed isn't mine. It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet." the man replied.

"Oh, really? This I gotta see. If you can prove it, you're free to go!" the p...

Yesterday, I smoked more weed than ever before.

It was an all time high.

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day?

Chronic pane

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

What do you call a king who loves weed

Your highness

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(Nsfw) How do jews smoke weed?

They puff puff passover

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

French people don’t smoke weed

They smoke oui’d

I forgot to weed my garden.

The plot thickens

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

If Walter White made weed instead of meth...

It would be called Breaking Bud.

The Quran is like weed...

if you burn it you get stoned.

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

Do you guys like weeding jokes?

I do

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

John Denver used to own a weed shack

It was called "Rocky Mountain High"

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all the...

Apparently weed is the gateway drug. But I'm not so sure.

I just spent 25 minutes trying to get into my garden.

My cows ate all my weed plants

The steaks have never been higher.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

What do you call a person that had a tracheostomy but still smokes a lot of weed?

A pot hole

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Who’s gonna win the cow weed smoking competition?

I’m not sure.... but the steaks are high

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Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

My friend punches me whenever I refuse to smoke weed with him

He’s given me blunt force trauma

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

What do you call smoking weed on the subway?

A hot boxcar.

My girlfriend asked me, “When’s the best time to smoke weed?”

“When?”

“It’s when I’m..weed you.”

Happy 4/20 folks

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

*RANT TIME* Please can we stop with the flashing blue outdoor Christmas lights this year ?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the machete under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's ...

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

I went to pick up weed from my dealer.

He said it was gonna be $80. I asked him if eight tens would be okay. He said he would prefer four twenties.

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The rabbit(R) is sitting by the lake smoking weed, a beaver(B) is swimming by, sees the rabbit and asks

B: hey, what you got there?
R: oh, this thing is called weed and it does some insane shit. You inhale hold it, swit to the other side and exhale. It makes you feel sooooo goood.
B: lemme try
The rabbit gives him the weed, the beaver does like the rabbit said, comes out the other side of the...

A dude wanted some weed for a kickback. The seller asked him, “how much”

He responded, “for twenty”

What's the best type of weed from Canada?

Sorry Bud.

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

Weed themed proposal

Marriage, you wanna?

Wanna hear a good weed joke?

Never mind I forgot it.

I can’t stop eating these weed brownies my mom made.

I guess I have an edible complex

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

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What do yoy call having sex with two woman while one of them is high on weed?

Two birds with one stoned.

What do you call a group of 13 people smoking weed?

A baked dozen.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

What do you call it when someone suggests a strain of weed to you?

A reeference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

A few guys grew some weed

A group of friends decided to experiment with growing weed one day. It proved to be a success and they were very proud of their work.

However, one member of the group decided to take all the credit for himself. This was foolish as it was obviously a joint effort...

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

If I drink to much alcohol I’m called a alcoholic but if I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...

Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely

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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

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How are weed and pussy the exact opposite?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

I was expelled for smoking weed at school

All I wanted was a higher education

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

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