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I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

How do French people spell weed?

Oui'd

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking weed.

The judge says: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday to see how you got on"

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy...

A farmer accidentally let his cows graze on his weed field

Dinner that night was high steaks

Based on an urban myth: Two guys were smoking weed one late evening

Not being in the best state for great decisions, they figured they wanted to go for a ride to pick up some food. However, as they came to the first roundabout one guy said, let's go for an extra round. Sure, said the other and off they went.

"You know what would be even better?"

"Wh...

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The Weed-eater

Two guys are sitting out side of college registration comparing schedules. We'll call them Larry and David

Larry: What did you get on your schedule for this semester?

David: Oh... College algebra, Psych 101, English 101, you know.. just the basics.

Larry: I got college algebra...

Im never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked who's got papers and they all ran away.

I like my women like a like my weed

Well trimmed and ready for the pipe

"Sir, your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I shot back. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I got a new iPhone, some weed and $2000 just today.

It’s like this gun is magic

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

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What do yoy call having sex with two woman while one of them is high on weed?

Two birds with one stoned.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

I bought a new weed-whacker today

It's cutting hedge technology

What do you call a group of 13 people smoking weed?

A baked dozen.

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

What did the weed farmer say when he saw a herd of cattle eating his crops?

The steaks are high.

My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and weed that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!

It's a joint account

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

I'm from Jamaica and if I got a dollar every time someone asked me if I smoked weed.

I'd have enough to buy a $50 bag every time I run out.

What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

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Smoking weed is giving me terrible diarrhea...

Doc told me to shit or get off the pot.

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

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Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

I was expelled for smoking weed at school

All I wanted was a higher education

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A monkey is smoking weed in a tree

and an iguana comes by and sees the monkey and decides to smoke with the monkey.

A while later the iguana suffering from cotton mouth decides to go to the river to drink some water. At the river the iguana runs into an alligator. The alligator sees the Iguana and says “Hey man, whats wrong w...

Making pizza is like smoking weed

You need dough to get baked

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

A weed farm was on fire next to a butcher shop.

The steaks were high.

Ross witnesses Ted stealing a bunch of weed from his garage

Ross: Man, you’re really adickted.

Now that weed is legal in Canada...

There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.

My friend was caught with a kilo of weed in Saudi Arabia.

He was stoned.

How did the cops know two men were involved in the weed deal?

It was a joint effort

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Did y'all hear about that cop that got caught smoking weed and masturbating in his patrol car?

Apparently he was a high wanking officer.

If I drink to much alcohol I’m called a alcoholic but if I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...

Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely

What did the Deadhead say when he ran out of weed?

This music sucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How are weed and pussy the exact opposite?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best

All three of my uncles used to grow weed together

It was a joint effort.

Why was the weed salesman so good at business in mecca

Because he got his profits high

A Stoner Dies And Goes To Heaven

He meets God and God says to him, "Whatever you love most, I'll stick you in a room with it for 100 years." The stoner says, "I love weed!" So God takes him to a door and opens it to reveal a vast marijuana forest, stretching as far as the eye can see. All along the walls are a wide array of bowls, ...

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

who got arrested for weed possession during the black death?

the executioner, he was always stoning people.

A dolphin was arrested for weed possession.

Cop: Is this your Marijuana, sir?

Dolphin: No sir, it's for my cousins. Strictly for medical porpoises.

What do good weed dealers and bad engineers have in common?

Both know not to use what they sell

Whats it called when an old person gets hurt smoking weed?

Joint pain.

I can't believe Canada is about to legalize weed.

It's Trudeau.

With cannabis now legal in my country, we would be remiss not to discuss the negative impacts of smoking weed. For example, after smoking...

...you have less weed.

Nepal is furious at Canada for legalizing weed...

Because Canada has just taken their spot as highest nation on the planet.

I wrote down all the names of the people I hate, and my friend used it to roll his weed.

He is now high on my list of people I never want to see again.

Just ordered a new cologne and it smells like weed, money and a hint of regret.

It’s called Elon Musk

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

Whats the difference between a weed dealer and a pilot?

A weed dealer has less chances of killing you when he gets you high

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

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If you masturbate after smoking pot...

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

How does Snoop organize his weed?

In chronic-logical order

Why did the frozen pizza say no to weed?

It didn't want to get baked!


Just made that up moments ago

I poured some bong water out on a plant, turns out they don’t like weed

Bushes prefer cocaine

What do you call Tea made with weed and koala bears?

A High Koala Tea Beverage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Joe, are at a bar...

Jim says, “You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English,...

The janitor at my work asked if I wanted to take a five minute break to go smoke weed with her.

I told her, 'No, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a high maintainance woman."

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People say smoking weed affects the memory.

Well that's a load of shit, I never forget to smoke.

Two police officers walk into a crime scene.

They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of weed each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry.

One officer turns to the other and says: "Looks like a joint suicide."

One time I took a few hits of weed in public and freaked out. So I went into my car and tried to stay calm

But then I remembered that I don’t own a car.

How do you stop Post Malone stealing your weed?

Hide it under a bar of soap

Never fight someone who recently smoked weed.

They tend to have the high ground.

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I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies...

Just for shits and giggles!

Research has shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Legalising weed

My campaign for legalising weed is going well, I've placed posters everywhere, I call it _Propaganja_.

I hide all my weed in a dip in the road...

I call it my pothole

Now that Canada legalized weed...

there's a whole lot of Canadians bakin

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If I smoke some strong weed and beat my meat...

Am I a chronic masturbator?

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Does wanking while stoned make you a weed whacker?

well??