Weed Jokes - 112 Hilarious Weed Jokes

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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What’s the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it’s good.

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

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I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies...

Just for shits and giggles!

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

What do French people call weed?

Oui’d

Why did the cows stop smoking weed

Because it got to the point where the steaks were too high !

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

What happened after God legalized weed?

Prophets were at an all-time high

Who grows the best weed in the world?

Saudi Arabia, smoke it once and get stoned twice

Dyslexic criminals love weed.

It's the ultimate getaway drug.

What did the Grateful Dead fan say when he ran out of weed?

"Wow, this music really sucks"

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

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Fred, Velma, and Daphne don't smoke weed

But Shaggy and Scooby doobie do

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

My wife and I started a bank account to help with our weed budget

It's our joint account

What do you get when you mix scoobie snacks and weed

A Scoobie Doobie

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

My friend had the weed and I had the papers so we combined our resources.

It was a joint effort.

Happy 4/20 for those who celebrate.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

Thinking of starting a weed infused food truck

Calling it the Canni-Bus

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

I've grown my own weed

I named the strain Malaysan Airlines because once take off, you're gone

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

a herd of cows broke into a Colorado weed farm

Police and animal control are on scene and the steaks are high

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies.

He’ll be..rolling in his grave.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

I was nervous the first time I gave a cow, weed

The steaks were high

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

How is walking on water like buying weed?

How easy it is to do varies by state.

Obama smoked weed growing up and look where he is today

Unemployed, with two kids and recently evicted

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What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)

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If you masturbate after smoking marijuana....

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Edit: Front and Gold. Thank you.

Edit 2: if this is in fact a repost, I apologise. I honestly am not sure if somebody else posted this before.

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So I was watching porn on my laptop when my roomate slapped his weed sticker on it so hard that it crashed.

Stickers and stoners can break my boners...

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

Grandma took my weed

so I took her wheelchair neither of us rolling.

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

I was going to tell a joke about weed.

But I didn’t want to stir the pot.

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

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what is it called when weed makes you see some scary shit

Blunt force trauma

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin."

Have you heard about the political party that’s using really good weed to promote their political views and opinions?

It’s propaganja.

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

Today is National Weed Appreciation Day.

Or as Snoop Dogg likes to call it, “My whole week.”

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

I won't smoke weed

I'm afraid of heights

Found out my mechanic dealt weed on the side,

now he's my spark plug.

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

What does Obi-Wan Kenobi call he's weed farm?

The high ground

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

My 2 year old walks around shouting "Weed" at everybody...

What can I say, she loves books.

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

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A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

Where do stoner cars store their weed?

In potholes.

I just saw two hotdogs and a burger stumble out of a club, blind drunk and blazed on coke and weed. I was disgusted...

I hate to see food wasted like that. Frugal upbringing.

My girlfriend said choose her or weed

Too high to edit the title but it should say ex girlfriend

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

I divulged state secrets after smoking weed

I was charged with high treason

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

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Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

What is it called when you get weed for Christmas?

Mary Christmas

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

I just finished watching a documentary on weed

I think more documentaries should be watched this way

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name?

Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

What do you call a 16 year old who smokes weed?

High School Kid

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