My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no; I can't deal with high maintenance women.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

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So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

Our building has a female janitor. At the end of her shift she knocked on my door with a bag of weed

I thanked her for her thinking of me, but told her I stay away from high maintenance women

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

What's the difference between booze and weed?

5 drunk guys will start a fight. 5 stoned guys will start a band

I like to call my weed "the Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned.

Dad: a little birdie told me you are smoking weed.

Son: so now you are talking to birds and I am the one supposed to be smoking weed.

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop

I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

What do the Koran and weed have in common?

If you smoke it, you’ll get stoned

If you'd get back all the money that you have ever spent on weed,...

...imagine how much weeeeeed you could buy!

When do cowboys like to smoke weed?

High noon.

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

I hate weed!

Everytime I see it I put fire on it.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What do you call dirt that has weed growing in it?

The high ground.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

Man, I can never take free weed from my best friend

bc i will always be in doubt that Rick rolled it

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

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A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed?

A dooberman.

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

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What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

A cop asks a man who sold him the weed he was smoking

The man asks “what weed?”
The cop says “in your mouth!“
The man quickly hides it and again questions the cop what weed was he talking about
The cop frustrated, exclaims “I CAN SMELL YOUR MARIJUANA!”
The man tells the cop “You smelt it, you dealt it!”

2 weed smokers were sitting in a room mad at each other,

the tension was high .

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

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Hey where can I find weed?

In the dictionary; after wank, before work.

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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

How many calories are in weed?

About 420/gram

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife.

I was speaking highly of her.

A new teacher trying to get to know his students.

He asked one of them "what do you do after school"
Student 1: I go home, watch TV then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher felt awkward and decided to ask another student.
Student 2 "me, I play football then go to Frank the weed guy"

Teacher was really disappointed but didn't want...

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

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There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured m...

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

Why is the resale market for weed so great?

It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

A dog might be a man's best friend,

but a cat will never tell the cops where the weed is.

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

How does a fish get high?

Sea-weed

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Yes I get all the cool numbers- 420 is a weed thing, 69 is a sex thing...

and 9:45 is bedtime.

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

Why didn’t the Asian student smoke weed?

He was busy doing meth.

I would tell a joke about the seaside

But I don’t want to be a beach or shellfish. I can under sand why you don’t want to hear them and I’m sad my jokes can’t surface. I cliff you not, I do have jokes and oh buoy is it annoying that I can’t tell them but I guess someone else’s joke caught your sails. I do (f)eel like my jokes have a ch...

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year.

That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

What do you call a group of weed smokers?

A joint family.

I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell. The devil meets them at the gate and explains,

“Welcome to Hell. Here, I will subject you to ironic punishment.”

He turns to the first guy and asks, “What was your major vice in life?”

“Women,” The guy said, “I loved the company of women.”

“Very well,” the devil replied before opening the door to a room full of beautiful wom...

Someone told me that weed was more potent taken anally...

... But i feel like they were just blowing smoke up my ass

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

Let me tell you about the time I smoked weed in Saudi Arabia...

I got stoned to death.

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

To all naruto fans, what do u call leader of hidden weed village?

Highkage

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

What do you call a king who loves weed

Your highness

A friend of mine told me that 'all cops are bad.'

I disagreed with him because I know of many good cops. In fact, the one that comes to mind is this amazing officer, who never broke the law, and always followed the rules.

I know him because I used to buy weed from him. Great guy!

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John, George and Clint are riding in a car....

When the car is hit by a bus and they all die. When they wake up they are in heaven standing in front of god and god asks why the men look upset, they all share their sadness for leaving earth so soon and would do anything to be able to have one last chance back on earth. God decides he will give th...

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

French people don’t smoke weed

They smoke oui’d

I forgot to weed my garden.

The plot thickens

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day?

Chronic pane

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw) How do jews smoke weed?

They puff puff passover

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

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