UPJOKE
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Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Three cows were playing poker while smoking weed

The steaks were high.

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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed.

"What have we here?"
"It's not mine officer."
He scoffs.
"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

what should you do if you're addicted to sea weed

Sea kelp

What do you call a group of people smoking weed?

A Joint Coalition

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

What do French people call weed?

Oui’d

The female janitor in my building asked if I would smoke some weed with her.

I said no, I can't deal with high maintenance women.

Me: so Doc, are you saying I need to buy better weed?

Doc: No John, I said your joints are deteriorating.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

What did the weed sellers create when they went legal?

A "joint"-stock company.

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what is it called when weed makes you see some scary shit

Blunt force trauma

The Caribbean is under attack from invasive plant life and other weeds

The situation is dire, specifically the Cuban Thistle Crisis

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

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What do you call masturbating while stoned?

Weed whacking

What happens if you smoke weed in Saudi Arabia?

You get stoned

My wife and I tried to buy weed at a dispensary, but we were told they only take cash or credit cards.

I told the clerk "It's OK. We have a joint checking account."

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I was going to tell a joke about weed.

But I didn’t want to stir the pot.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

What did one deadhead say to the other, when they ran out of weed?

Wow man, this music sucks!

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

We know that when a person smokes weed they get high…But…

When a short person smokes weed do they become medium??????

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

Little known fact, cowboys don’t roll joints...

They tumble weed...

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A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

A valuable lesson

I recently asked my neighbors’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day. Both of her parents, liberals, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?’

She replied, ‘I’d...

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

What does Obi-Wan Kenobi call he's weed farm?

The high ground

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

What do you call a princess on weed?

Your Royal High-ness

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

My 2 year old walks around shouting "Weed" at everybody...

What can I say, she loves books.

Found out my mechanic dealt weed on the side,

now he's my spark plug.

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What is it called when you get weed for Christmas?

Mary Christmas

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

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What do you get at the end of a joint of dick weed?

Cock roach.

An 80 yo man is about to get married

His fianceè is only 20 yo and she is gorgeous. A couple of days before weeding, one of his friends gave him a warning:

- You are crazy! She is very young, she will cheat on you right after you get married! Why don't you marry a lady about your age?

He replied:

- I prefer to sha...

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Ok, serious question. If you masturbate after smoking marijuana,

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

I divulged state secrets after smoking weed

I was charged with high treason

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed...

....while using my phone's flashlight

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