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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

I like to call my weed "the Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned.

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

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A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

What do you call a spud high on weed

A baked potato

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

Grandma took my weed. So, I took her Wheelchair.

**NOW NEITHER OF US ARE ROLLING.**

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

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What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed?

A dooberman.

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

2 weed smokers were sitting in a room mad at each other,

the tension was high .

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

A farmer who is addicted to weed leaves a joint out in the barn by accident

His two cows escape their pens, eat the joint, and run down to the river. Meanwhile, the farmer runs all around town looking for his cows. He asks the baker, the chef, the police officer, and the doctor. He can’t find them anywhere, and is about to give up when an orphan sees him in despair and asks...

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

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Hey where can I find weed?

In the dictionary; after wank, before work.

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

Gene was at work one day and curiously asked his recently new co-worker, Claire, if she had any wishes for her weeding that weekend.

The only thing Claire had hoped for was for it to snow on her big day and that she would be devastated if it didn't happen.

2 weeks later, Claire arrived back at work happy as could be; talking with her co-workers about how perfect everything turned out.

Gene overheard her conversati...

Why is it so risky for cows to smoke weed?

It’s a high steaks situation.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife.

I was speaking highly of her.

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There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

So I was looking to get some weed the other day...

So I was looking to get some weed the other day, and I asked my buddy if he had any recommendations since I wasn't really feeling like hitting a bong or joint. My buddy he suggests dabs, said he had a buddy named Yaba who sold good stuff. I wasn't convinced since I'm not a big user. But he assured m...

Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

What do you call a protestor whose ancestors grew weed?

A grass roots activist

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

Why is the resale market for weed so great?

It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

If smoking weed affects memory loss...

then what does smoking weed do?

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

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Yes I get all the cool numbers- 420 is a weed thing, 69 is a sex thing...

and 9:45 is bedtime.

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year.

That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

Someone told me that weed was more potent taken anally...

... But i feel like they were just blowing smoke up my ass

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

I had a dream I smoked weed

It was laid back

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What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

Yesterday, I smoked more weed than ever before.

It was an all time high.

To all naruto fans, what do u call leader of hidden weed village?

Highkage

Let me tell you about the time I smoked weed in Saudi Arabia...

I got stoned to death.

A guy smoked a ton of weed

He got super hungry as a result. So he started preparing a ton of food.

Bong Appetite.

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

My downstairs neighbors treat their weed like Jimmy John’s treats their sandwiches:

free smells.

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

What do you call a king who loves weed

Your highness

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

Marijuana and coffee are my favorite combination.

They're the reason ice mocha lot of weed

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

What do window washers, who are high on really good weed, deal with every day?

Chronic pane

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Fred Flintstone asks Wilma if she has any weed left. She says "no, but I have some wax if you want a hit.

He replies, "yeah, a dab'll do."

French people don’t smoke weed

They smoke oui’d

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(Nsfw) How do jews smoke weed?

They puff puff passover

I forgot to weed my garden.

The plot thickens

Brazil might as well legalize weed.

They’re smoking enough trees as it is.

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A monkey is sitting on a riverbank, smoking weed.

A frog, swimming by, gets a whiff and makes a beeline to the shore:

'Hey dude! Mind if I take a puff?'

'Get out of town,' says the monkey. 'You're so small you'll be off your face after the first hit.'

'Oh come on, just a little bit! I've always wanted to try it.'

'Well, ...

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

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I heard smoking weed keeps you regular. . .

Everyone tells me “Shit or get off the pot!”

A monkey was smoking weed

sitting on a tree. A lizard spots and asks what he's upto. The monkey says he's smoking the \*\*best weed in the world\*\*. The lizard climbs up excitedly and shares the joint with the monkey. After a while the lizard starts feeling thirsty, so the monkey pointed him to the river. The lizard climbs ...

I remember when I started doing drugs. First weed, then pills... and then I was offered cocaine...

And that's where I drew the line

I hate those human verification boxes

If I wanted to get treated like a robot I’d sell weed

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

If Walter White made weed instead of meth...

It would be called Breaking Bud.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

John Denver used to own a weed shack

It was called "Rocky Mountain High"

I just saw Pennywise smoke weed for the first time.

He said It blows.

I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30 minutes looking for my phone under the bed.

while using my phone’s flashlight.

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Weed Joke for 4/20

Don't walk on the grass. Trip on it

You know that you’re at the highest point in your life...

...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

I applied for a job at a marijuana dispensary, and was surprised to learn that I would have to take a drug test.

I hope it's multiple choice. I tested meth, crack, *and* weed.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "Fear not," he says and he points to Jesus. "For he has resin."

The Police Officer took my weed, but as I had a valid prescription the Judge ordered it returned to me.

I was awarded Joint Custody.

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