What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Did you hear about the cow that gambled over weed?

It was a high steaks game.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

I've grown my own weed

I named the strain Malaysan Airlines because once take off, you're gone

What do you call a bad weed trip?

Blunt trauma

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

What should you do if you are addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp.

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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

What's the difference between booze and weed?

5 drunk guys will start a fight. 5 stoned guys will start a band

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

i smoked weed with JLO in high school

We went to J High together.

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

I won't smoke weed

I'm afraid of heights

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

What did the gardener say when he found a guy high on weed?

Keep off the grass

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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So my mom took away all my weed the other day...

So I dumped the old bitch out of her wheelchair and marched off with it. Now neither of us will be rolling.

If smoking weed causes short-term memory loss...

Then what does smoking weed do?

I have some weeds in my potato garden

That’s OK, I was going to make baked potatoes anyway.

I tried using Roundup on the 7 weeds in our backyard.

Now we have 10 weeds.

Why did Christians ban weed?

Because after you smoke it God isn't the highest in the world

I hope Snoop Dogg lives long enough to see weed completely legal in the US.

Otherwise, he’ll be rolling in his grave.

My wife and I caught our teenage son with weed so we decided to play good cop bad cop

I shot him in the back while she just looked the other way

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

Dad: a little birdie told me you are smoking weed.

Son: so now you are talking to birds and I am the one supposed to be smoking weed.

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What do you call a wizard who made their hair weed?

Harry Pot-hair

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

When do cowboys like to smoke weed?

High noon.

If you'd get back all the money that you have ever spent on weed,...

...imagine how much weeeeeed you could buy!

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

I would like to buy some weed

Me: I would like to buy some weed

Seller: *whispers* An ounce?

Me: sure.... LADIES AND GENTLEMEN I WOULD LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED

What do the Koran and weed have in common?

If you smoke it, you’ll get stoned

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

What do you call dirt that has weed growing in it?

The high ground.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

Cowboys don’t roll joints

They tumble weed

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A monkey was casually waking in the woods on a moonlit night.

He saw an elephant drinking vodka and decided to go talk to him.
"My friend!" the monkey said- "Alcohol is bad for your health. Why don't you stop drinking and join me to enjoy the beauty of nature?"

The elephant thought about it for a second and decided to join the monkey.
The two of t...

"Your eyes look red." growled the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

I was smoking some new weed with my buddies and they were all disappointed with how stoned they got.

I guess that's what happens when you have high expectations.

A teacher asks her students what they do after school.

Teacher : "What do you do after school?"

Student #1 : "I always go buy cigarettes from Yakobo"

Student #2 : "I go to buy weed from Yakobo"

Student #3 : "I go to buy cocaine from Yakobo"

Student #4 : "I always stay at home and do my homework"

Teacher : \*points at...

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking weed while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

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A message for all the weed smoking equestrians

Fuck you and the high horse you rode in on

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

What do you call a man who impregnated a plant?

A weed whacker

How do you find a pothead in a crowd?

You weed them out

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?

Sea-kelp

What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed?

A dooberman.

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

Why is the bass player always the happiest person in the band?

The guitar player needs to know how to score weed

The singer needs to know how to score chicks

The drummer needs to own a van big enough for the gear

And the bass player gets weed, chicks, and a ride home

So two guys are trying to find a place to smoke weed...

One of them suggest a field nearby where some cows are grazing. So they light up and are smoking when a police car turns on the sirens and pulls down the road. “What are we going to do?” says one of the guys. “Give the joint to the cow. When the cops get over here, they can’t arrest us because we ar...

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?

Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

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What has happened when the weeds take over your lawn?

A coup de grass.

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A cop asks a man who sold him the weed he was smoking

The man asks “what weed?”
The cop says “in your mouth!“
The man quickly hides it and again questions the cop what weed was he talking about
The cop frustrated, exclaims “I CAN SMELL YOUR MARIJUANA!”
The man tells the cop “You smelt it, you dealt it!”

I’d recommend investing in Weed Wacker companies...

They work on cutting edge technology

I want to open a dispensary for people who like weed, but not too much...

...I’m going to call it *Herb Your Enthusiasm*.

I live in a non-legal state and I recently found a little baggie of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are illegal and I am a good and responsible citizen, I immediately took the bag home and destroyed the weed

... in a series of small fires.

There was a DEA agent who was a stoner on his off-time. His M.O. was that he always smoked weed at or near a dealer's house, and then staged a raid on that house, always with tear gas and smoke grenades. His motto:

First I smoke the joint. Then I smoke the joint.

Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

Dracula decides to target people who smoke weed

He tells the other vampires to search for them. "Find them all, look everywhere, leave no stoner unturned"

2 weed smokers were sitting in a room mad at each other,

the tension was high .

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Did you hear the Netherlands is almost out of toilet paper and weed?

People bought them all for shits and giggles.

As my father and I shared some weed I told him all the great things about my wife.

I was speaking highly of her.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

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There’s a new type of weed out there that causes diarrhoea...

Now I can’t decide whether to shit or get off the pot.

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?

Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just ...

Obama smoked weed growing up, and now look where he is today

Unemployed with two kids and recently evicted

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

This morning I saw someone smoking weed in church

Nearly spat out my beer

2 brothers open a weed shop.

It was a joint effort.

My girlfriend and I went to the bank and opened a shared savings account, mostly for buying weed.

It will be our joint account.

Why is the resale market for weed so great?

It’s all about buy low, sell high ;)

I tried a few drugs here and there in my life. Weed, painkillers, alcohol etc.

But when it comes to cocaine I draw the line.

Studies say weed can cause multiple personality disorder

I think that’s stupid

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

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Yes I get all the cool numbers- 420 is a weed thing, 69 is a sex thing...

and 9:45 is bedtime.

I had an ounce of weed last week :)

But I lost it in a series of small fires. :(

Why don’t farmers let cows eat weed?

The steaks would be too high!
( I’ll see myself out...)

I'm giving up smoking weed for a year.

That's not right.

I'm giving up, smoking weed for a year.

Why didn’t the Asian student smoke weed?

He was busy doing meth.

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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What would masturbating after smoking weed be called?

"Highjacking"

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

What do you call a protestor whose ancestors grew weed?

A grass roots activist

What do you call a group of weed smokers?

A joint family.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

So there's an owl and a lizard smoking weed together up in a tree.

Then after about 20 minutes of smoking, the lizard all high says man I really need a drink of water. So the lizard stumbles down out of the tree and to the waters edge, he goes to take a drink and falls in,with the lizard panicking an alligator picks him up and sets him safely back on shore then ask...

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I had sex with two British girls last night

But I think one of them had been smoking weed beforehand.

I got two birds, with one stoned.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint

the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

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