UPJOKE
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A man smelling of alcohol and weed sat next to a priest on a bus.

The man’s clothes were ragged and dirty, there was pink lipstick on his collar, and an almost empty bottle of rum stuck out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

A few minutes later he turned to the priest and said, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthr...

Caveman discovers weed

Caveman discovers fire

Stone age begins

My Grandmother found and flushed my weed so, I hid her weelchair......

Now neither of us are rolling

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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What's the difference between weed and a vagina?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good

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I call my weed the Quran...

Because burning tht shit’ll get you stoned

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

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Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered

masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

Alcoholic, women lover and weed smoker go to hell

The Satan says them: "you can get out if you'll spend 100 years in a room with your main addictions".

He shows the alcoholic a room with lots of alcohol. Alcoholic says: "ok, i'll spend 100 years here".

Then he shows a women lover a room with beautiful young women.
He says "ok, i'll...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

What do they do to army officers who are caught smoking weed?

Lock them up at Fort Wenty.

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I’m never smoking weed with immigrants again.

I asked "Anyone have any papers?" and they all ran like fuck.

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

Who would have thought that one day we'd be smoking weed at a family gathering....

.....but the illegal part would be the gathering.

One time I smoked weed with snoop dawg

That was until the weed wore off, then he went back to being a hobo

We know that when a person smokes weed they get high…But…

When a short person smokes weed do they become medium??????

I was going to tell a joke about weed.

But I didn’t want to stir the pot.

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The wife asked what would happen if we added smoking weed to our sex

I answered : “489”

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?"

"Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

It's risky to cook barbeque and smoke weed

Because the steaks are high.

What did one deadhead say to the other, when they ran out of weed?

Wow man, this music sucks!

If weed is the devils lettuce, then...

Hash Oil is the devils salad dressing

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Two buddies are up late smoking a little weed.

The first guy says “what time is it” to which the second guy says “I’m not sure, here give me that trombone”

The first guy asks “how the hell can you tell the time with a trombone?!”

“It’s magic” replies his friend and as he says that he lets out a long, low belt on the trombone. He s...

A group of guys were smoking weed at a party, when they heard a knock at the door. In a panic, they hid the joints in a cuckoo clock.

They opened the door to find two cops standing there. "It's 1:45 in the morning," said the cops. "You woke up a neighbour, who reported you to us. We hope you're not using any illegal drugs."

The cops searched through the whole house looking for anything suspicious, but didn't think to look i...

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

What's the difference between alcohol and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight. Five stoned guys will start a band.

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

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A Sloth was on the top of a tree smoking weed.

The Gecko saw it and went to ask for a hit and the Sloth said "Sure man! Take a big hit that's some good shit".
Almost immediately after taking a hit the Gecko started coughing like crazy. The Sloth then said to the Gecko "Damm go to the river and drink some water. I told you that's some good shi...

They say weed affects memory

If that’s true, why do I never forget to buy weed?

Weed dealer

So my weed dealer got in trouble with his boss. So he and his business partners were dragged to the woods to be executed. And when the cartel aimed their weapons, my dealer, a biologist, yelled "bear," in which he escaped when they turned to see the was no bear. His second partner was a physicist, a...

How do you call a group of stoners smoking weed on a live stream?

A pot-cast.

My math teacher told me that I won't amount to anything because I smoke weed...

But my physics teacher says the higher you are, the larger your potential!

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

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Ok, serious question. If you masturbate after smoking marijuana,

Is it high-jacking or weed-whacking?

What does Obi-Wan Kenobi call he's weed farm?

The high ground

What is it called when you get weed for Christmas?

Mary Christmas

My uncle took my weed so I took his wheelchair.

If I'm not rolling, then nobody is.

a joke thats originally in arabic, but I think translates well.

3 men are smoking weed when the cops show up. Panicked, one hides undrneath a car, the other climbs up a telephone pole, and the last hides under a donkey.

The cops find the first guy and ask him if he was smoking weed, and he replies "im just a mechanic, and havent smoked a day in my life" s...

Why was smoking weed so bad in 500 A.D.?

Because you’d get stoned.

Me: I need 8 pills, 4 bags of weed, a couple of tabs of lsd, oceanic.

Dealer: Sure, although what do you mean by oceanic?

Me: Anagram of cocaine.

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

My moods really stabilized since I quit smoking weed.

Now I'm just depressed ALL the time.

Weed is legal, but haircuts are not

It took them over 50 years, but the hippies finally won

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000

... it’s like this gun is magic!

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

Everyone’s heard of weed brownies.

But of a buddy of mine recently had a fierce competition on injecting hemp oil into rib eyes and who could cook the better piece.

Boy I’ll tell you… the steaks were high.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

You heard about the bread that smoked weed?

It was so baked

A monkey and a Lizard are sitting on a tree smoking some weed.

After some time the lizard becomes thirsty and decides to go to the river to drink some water.
When he gets there, he falls in and is saved by a crocodile. After Explaining how he got high, The Crocodile decides to investigate.

When the crocodile reaches the tree, he calls out to the monk...

My 2 year old walks around shouting "Weed" at everybody...

What can I say, she loves books.

What do you call a princess on weed?

Your Royal High-ness

What happened when the Saudi Arabian woman smoked weed?

She got stoned

Finally found the perfect length of time to smoke weed

For twenty minutes

Why did the hoody smell like weed?

It was high fashion.

Found out my mechanic dealt weed on the side,

now he's my spark plug.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

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What do you get if you make a weed brownie in the shape of your mother’s vagina?

An Edible Oedipal Edible

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

I've been smoking weed for most of my life, and today I quit cold turkey.

I'll make do with the much cheaper chicken cold cuts and put the extra money towards buying more weed.

I've grown my own weed

I named the strain Malaysan Airlines because once take off, you're gone

What do you call it when the people vote on legalizing weed?

A reeferendum.

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A koala is sitting in a tree.

A koala is sitting in a tree smoking a blunt. A lizard comes walking by, smells the weed, looks up and says "hey man, can I hit that?"

Koala says "hell yeah man come on up and get you some"

Lizard runs up the tree and they start smoking together. The weed is incredible and before long ...

I got bad news from my Doctor

He told me I have 6 months to live and should give up wine, women and weed.

I asked if that would make me live longer.

He said no, but it will seem like it.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the li...

My weed dealer told me he’s only accepting fruit as payment now.

It’s a real pear-a-dime shift.

I used to illegally give weed to my prize winning cows, but I had to stop.

The steaks were too high.

Today is National Weed Appreciation Day.

Or as Snoop Dogg likes to call it, “My whole week.”

What kind of weed do french people smoke?

Oui'd

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My wife told me to stop smoking weed on the toilet.

I just do it for the shits and giggles.

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

Why don't men in the Middle East smoke weed?

Only women get stoned.

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What do you get at the end of a joint of dick weed?

Cock roach.

I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.

It called glazed and confused.

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A little boy sees his grandpa smoking weed.

He says, "Gramps, can I have a puff?" Grandpa replies, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

"No..."

"Well, you can't have any."

Later, the little boy sees his Grandpa drinking beer and asks, "Can I have a swig?" Grandpa replies again, "Can your dick touch your asshole?"

...

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

What do you call a bad weed trip?

Blunt trauma

I'm thinking of starting a podcast where we talk about carpentry and smoking weed

It would be all about joints

I divulged state secrets after smoking weed

I was charged with high treason

I dropped my weed in the BBQ while BBQing

The steaks have never been higher.

I think my weed dealer gave me corona

I’ve got a chronic cough.

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

My grandma said that she quit smoking weed

Me: Why?

Grandma: My Cholesterol is getting too high

In honor of 420 tomorrow, here's a weed joke.

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Addicted.

A man said to his wife, “I’m going to ask you a few questions, the answer to each of them is, ”Addicted” Ok.”

His wife says, “ok”

The man says, “if you smoke too much, you are.?”

She replies, “Addicted”.

He says, “if you drink too much you are.?”

She says, “Addicte...

I can't afford a nice t.v.

So, I just smoke a load of weed and read the dictionary.

HIGH DEFINITION.

I’ve been giving my cows weed to make their meat taste better

The steaks were high, but were otherwise delicious

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I bet my farmer friend $100,000 I could get his cows hooked on weed

The steaks have never been higher

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A hillbilly decides to get his life together

One day 2 hillbillies are sitting on their porch rocking chairs listening to the radio and one of them says, “man there’s gotta be more to life than this, I’m tired of not doing anything useful.” Right then, an ad starts playing on the radio for the local community college. That’s it! The hillbilly ...

Thoughtful Drug dealer.

A man gets pulled over by a police officer, and the cop pulls him out of the car and asks "Do you have anything I should know about before I look in there?". The guy shrugs his shoulders and the cop begins looking in the car. He pops the trunk and finds a kilo of coke. He holds it up and turns back ...

i smoked weed with JLO in high school

We went to J High together.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

I sell my weed fast

Call it insta gram

Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

A monkey is sitting on a tree, smoking weed...

The lizard walks by, gazes at him in amazement, then asks:

“Hey monkey, what are you doing up there?”

“I’m smoking bud. Come up here bro, sharing is caring.”

So the lizard climbs up the tree and the two smoke a few joints. The lizard isn’t really used to the effects, so he gets ...

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

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