The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

A sketchy looking guy came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

[Possibly NSFW] Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain...

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
...

My girlfriend asked me, “When’s the best time to smoke weed?”

“When?”

“It’s when I’m..weed you.”

Happy 4/20 folks

I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.

I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."

He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

What do pirates smoke?

Sea weed or cig-arrrs

People who smoke will get this

Cancer

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke ?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day ?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking ?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

I don't cuss, I don't smoke, and I don't drink....

God damnit! I left my cigarettes at the bar!

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed.

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

What do you call a king that smokes weed?

Your highness

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A year ago I vowed only to smoke after sex.....

....I haven’t had a cigarette since.

What do the French smoke?

Oui’d

The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

You know what french people smoke?

Oui'd

Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

Do you smoke?

Non-smoker “Nah”

Cigarette smoker “Yeah”

Stoner “Smoke what?”

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

Smoke show.

I saw a lady smoking on the corner, she was so hot I stared for a few moments too long before realizing I had to call the fire department to put her out.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife used to smoke after sex

So we decided to start using lube

Two jockeys sitting in the stalls before a race. Jockey 1 says to jockey 2 "I'm so good at this jockey game that I gave this thorough-bread a spliff to smoke before the race. And I'm still going to win."

Jockey 2 says "get off your high horse".

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you spe...

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I Always smoke after sex.,,

I should probably use lube and slow down...

What do you call a Scot man that smokes marijuana?

A Highlander

So there is this class in New York that teaches women how to smoke cigars, and the price per person is one-hundred dollars

The price to watch is two-hundred.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I decided to only smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day.

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you smoke after sex?

I don't think so, but I've never looked.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke?

Quack.

Why did the three Wise Men smell like smoke?

Because they came from afar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex...

They chew 'bacca

How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?

2Pacs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

What's got two eyes and smokes?

Pompeii

The janitor at my work asked if I wanted to take a five minute break to go smoke weed with her.

I told her, 'No, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a high maintainance woman."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was outside the pub having a smoke last night...

And a bloke in a wheelchair came up to me and asked me "Why do you smoke when you don't need to?"

I paused what I was doing and gave him a hard stare of thought. After a few moments I responded to him.

"Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I smoke some strong weed and beat my meat...

Am I a chronic masturbator?

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don’t have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

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