The 58+ Best Smoke Jokes

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Damn girl are you a smoke detector?

Because you're super annoying and won't shut up

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

I saw a sketchy looking guy walking on the street with six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

What do French people smoke...?

Oui'd.

What happens to you if you smoke weed in Afghanistan?

You get stoned

D’y’ know why Batman has all those cool doodads in his utility belt: smoke bombs, grease slicks, nose plugs/filters for poison gas, breath mints?

Because he doesn’t have pockets.

Luke Skywalker: "You smoke Han Solo?"

Han Solo: "No."

Luke Skywalker: "What about Chewbacca?"

Han Solo: "No, I don't do that either."

Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies.

He’ll be..rolling in his grave.

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A prostitute asks another prostitute, “Do you smoke when you finish?”

The other prostitute answers “I don’t know, I’ve never checked”

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

I was helping my apiarist friend smoke her bees…

… they’re not as good as tobacco, but I love the aftertaste.

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Fred, Velma, and Daphne don't smoke weed

But Shaggy and Scooby doobie do

A dog saved a man from dying of smoke inhalation.

He followed the sound of dog's barking which lead him out of his apartment. He followed it down the hall and into an elevator shaft where he fell eight stories to his death.

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

One woman said to another, "Do you smoke after you make love?"

"I don't know. I've never looked."

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Why don't nudists hang out at smoke spots?

Because people flick their butts.

After reviewing my blood test results, my doctor told me to stop smoking moving forward.

Now I smoke walking sideways.

TIL while it's illegal to smoke marijuana in Sudan...

you can still get stoned

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A girl smoked some weed and tried to give me a blowjob. She just ended up sucking my chest.

She was too high

What do you call a Navy Admiral who gambles, smokes, drinks and does drugs?

a Vice Admiral

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

I couldn't afford a nice television, so I just smoked a ton of weed and read the dictionary.

High definition.

I heard that if you drink beer and smoke weed that you'll gain an extra 50 IQ points...

They call this phenomenon "Budweiser"

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Apparently when they ask you if you smoke or drink at the doctor’s office

It’s not an offer

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