An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

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One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking cigarettes.

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink so...

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Do you smoke after sex?

I don’t know, I’ve never looked.

What do French people smoke

Oui-d

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

Why is it so risky for cows to smoke weed?

It’s a high steaks situation.

What drug do reptiles smoke?

Crackodile

I went to a smoke shop only to discover that it has been replaced by an apparel store.

Clothes, but no cigar.

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Want to know the secret of how I managed to quit smoking?

I decided to only smoke after sex.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

First Lady:Whats that?

Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet.
...

Two sailors on a boat each wanted to smoke.

However, they could not find their lighters.

So, they threw a cigarette overboard to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

What do ducks smoke?

Quack

Why is it smarter to smoke weed than drink beer?

Because Budweiser

Why didn’t the Asian student smoke weed?

He was busy doing meth.

I tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal

But the line was always busy

A man smokes a pack a day for 30 years

His wife, sick of it: do you realize that if you had saved all this cigaret money you could have bought a ferrari by now ?

The man answers: well where's your ferrari ?

I smoked some pot, and then texted my girlfriend, “We need to see other people.”

I wanted to end it on a high note.

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Doctor: Do you Smoke?

Doctor: Do you Smoke?

Me: Everytime after sex

Doctor: But your lungs are in perfect health

Me: Yes

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

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I eat pussy like I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

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A woman asks another one: "Do you smoke after having sex?"

Answer: "Actually I don´t know. I never checked it."

What sort of machine is big as a house, consumes 20 gallons of fuel per hour, produces a whole lot of smoke and noise, can run for one hour for every ten hours of maintenance, and cuts apples into 3 pieces?

A soviet machine built to cut apples into 4 pieces.

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

A sketchy looking guy walked into my store and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

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One Friend asks the other: "Does your wife also smoke after sex?"

His friend gives him a slightly confused look and replies: "Erm, no, but she's a bit sore afterwards."

I used to smoke weed with a nun

One day we were blazing and she confessed to me that she always wore the same robe whenever she smoked weed. She said as soon as she finished smoking she'd go straight home, wash it, and hide it in the back of her closet.

I guess you could say she was ashamed of her drug habit.

When you smoke to calm down

You’re literally becoming a higher being to seek peace and tranquility in your life.

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Did you hear about the Japanese poet who smoked a boatload of opium and overthrew the shogun?

They called it a high coup.

Why does a failed physicist smokes marijuana?

Because as he gets high he increases his potential.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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Does your dick touch your asshole?

A father and son are sitting on the porch and the father starts drinking a beer.

Son: "Hey Dad, can I try a sip of your beer?"

Father: "Tell me son... does your dick touch your asshole?"

Son: "No, it doesn't."

Father: "Then no, you can't have any."

The father finis...

Chicken and an egg are lying in bed. Chicken rolls over, lights up a smoke and says,

“Well, guess that answers that question.”

Yesterday, I smoked more weed than ever before.

It was an all time high.

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In celebration of my cake day, here's the worst joke I've ever created.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him ...

There’s a contest on who can be the first to get a cow to smoke weed.

It’s pretty high steaks.

Let me tell you about the time I smoked weed in Saudi Arabia...

I got stoned to death.

My wife used to smoke in bed...

Then we used lube

My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

Smoke that spooky kush...

...call that Halloweed

What does a caterpillar smoke when they're feeling down?

Chrysalis meth.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

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A fox is trying to relax on his day off and decides to smoke a joint...

While he's rolling it up, a rabbit passes by and sees him in the act.

"Hey fox! What you doing bro? Smoking weed? You know that stuff is bad for you! Let's go for a run instead! Running is healthy, and there's no better feeling than health!"

The fox, slightly embarrassed of his smoking...

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(Nsfw) How do jews smoke weed?

They puff puff passover

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I stepped outside for a smoke, and a guy in a wheelchair rolled up and said “why do you smoke if you don’t have to?”

So I asked him, “What the fuck are you wearing shoes for?”

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a sin...

Not to worry. I was only testing the smoke detectors.

On a totally unrelated subject. Supper is ready.

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Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man laughs and says "Holy crap, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! Where did you get it?"
The first man says "I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skep...

I used to view smokers as rude due to the harmful effects of secondhand smoke.

Now that assisted-suicide is legal, I view them as polite.

Jack and Jill went up a hill.

Jack and Jill went up a hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and touched Jill's thigh and said "I know you wanna."

Jill said yes, took off her dress and they had some fun.

But silly Jill forgot her pills and now they have a son.

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BECOMING AMERICAN

Two Saudi brothers come to America and one buys a house on the west coast and the other on the east coast. They are so excited about being Americans and during their goodbyes they make a $10,000 bet: in two months they will meet again and the one that is the most American wins.

Two months pas...

Han Solo doesn’t smoke cigarettes...

But he does chew-baca

I walked past a temple in Nepal and a Monk blew smoke in my face. I couldn’t believe it.

I was incensed.

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So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

A friend asked if I minded if he smoked

I've got one arm and replied: "no of course not I'm not affected by 2nd hand smoke"

What do middle eastern people smoke?

An Abu Doobie

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