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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

I dispute those studies that claim people often die from smoking.

My uncle smoked, and he only died once.

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

My doctor says that each cigarette I smoke takes 9 minutes off of my life.

Based on that math, I should've died in 1987.

A janitor at my work offered me to come over and smoke weed with her..

I said no, sorry I can't stand high maintenance women.

Doctor to Patient do you smoke?

Patient: yes

Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?

Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.

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My girlfriend used to smoke after sex

So we started using lube.

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

What do you call a family that smokes weed together?

Joint family.

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

That judgemental friend: If you never smoked you could have had a Ferrari by now.

Me: where's your Ferrari?

What's a good hairstyle for someone who doesn't like smoked salmon?

Dreadlox.

What kind of weed do french people smoke?

Oui'd

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

The man who loved tractors.

There was a farmer, who absolutely loved his tractors. He collected all kinds of tractors and tractor memorabilia. The only thing he cared more for, was his lovely wife.

One day, he heard his wife make an awful scream out in the fields. He sprinted outside to find her body crushed by a tracto...

What do you call russian smoked wood?

A Dimi tree

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My friend asked me if I ever smoke after having sex...

...I said, Only when I forget the lube.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

What did the duck say the first time he smoked crack?

Quack Quack Quack more QuackQuackQuackQuackQuack

I quit smoking for good today!

.. now I only smoke for evil.

I hate when people smoke in the porta potties at my job

It makes it hard to enjoy my sandwich

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A louse enters the employment bureau and says, "I'm unemployed, what to do?"

The clerk looks at the computer and says, "I can offer you a job in Danny's mustache."

"Great", says the louse, and the next day she goes to work.

Two days later she comes back, "I can not work in Danny's mustache - He smokes a lot, and I have asthma."

"Well", says the clerk, ...

Why do people smoke in elevators?

It gets you higher.

My doctor smokes a pack-a-day, but he had the nerve to tell me I have to stop smoking.

I guess he took the hippocritic oath when he became a doctor.

An Aligator and a Monkey meet by the river. The monkey is smoking something.

Aligator: Hey, what have you got there?

Monkey: I've got some of that good stuff man, it's that OG kush everyone's been talking about, you'll take one puff and you're gone! I'm telling you!

Aligator: Nah, mate,that's bull, lemme try some tho.

Aligator pulls once, nothing. Twice....

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Three men are walking through the woods when they find an old, battered lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

"After all these years, I'm finally free!" the genie booms. "You know what, it's been so long that I'll make an exception and grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" In a ...

If a little person smokes weed...

...do they get high, or do they get medium?

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

Today I cooked something for my family and they all said it was terrible.

Jokes on them, the smoke detector thought it was fire.

Two friends named Michael and Ron were hanging out, pondering about things, while having a smoke..

Michael: Hey, Ron.. can I ask you something?!

Ron: Yeah, sure. Go on.

Michael: Do you think there's such a thing as a dumb question?

Ron: No.. that's just a stupid thing to ask!

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

What do you call portable, two-way radio transceivers that hate racism and like to smoke pot?

Wokey-Tokies

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead mom go to a cafe....

They had each stolen their daughters purses to see what their girls did in their free time.

The redhead mom opens her daughters purse first and finds a pack of cigarettes. “Oh my God, Debbie smokes! I am going to kill her!”

The brunette mom opens her daughter’s purse second, holding ...

What do you call someone from Anchorage that smokes pot?

Baked Alaskan.

Stranded on Deserted Island for 10 years

One day a man who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship.” And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there e...

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When the 16 years old daughter comes home high as fuck...

...and crushes in the couch next to her father, and smells like good weed, the father becomes suspicious and looks in her eyes, not knowing what to say, he asks her:

Ahmmm mm what did you do all day, the squirrels told me you smoked weed, is it true??

The daughter answers: aaa mmm yeah...

What do you call a town where everyone smokes pot?

High society.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

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Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

The stranded priest

A priest was stranded on island for many years. He had managed to survive quite well and was living a decent life. One day he noticed a ship had came closer than ever before and he began to smother his fire to produce smoke. The ship had barely seen him but sent a rescue party to his island. The pri...

Whenever I smoke weed in the middle of the day, I like to dress up like a cowboy.

Because it’s about to be high noon.

Too Much Drinking and Smoking

Sarah and Tamika met for drinks.

Sarah said, "Me & my husband are no longer together."

"What happened," Tamika asked.

"Could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

Hell No, of course I couldn't!" Tamika said.

"Well my h...

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

What kind of cannabis does a mermaid smoke?

Seaweed!

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

What do you call an Italian Renaissance painter who smokes weed from a one-hitter pipe?

Leonardo da Pinchy.



...I'll see myself out.

Haha, jokes lol

Three guys were playing Russian roulette with a 6 shot revolver and 1 in the chamber, the first guy picks up a single cigarette, smokes it, then shoots and nothing comes out, the second guy picks up 2 smokes, enjoys his time. Fires 2x and nothing comes out. The third guy thinks for a second and says...

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

Jewish smoker is asking his Rabbi

Rabbi, is it alright if I smoke during study of Torah?

Rabbi: Absolutely not, out of question. Why would you even ask such ridiculous thing?

The Jewish smoker goes away ashamed, but since he is a pious addict he comes back later and asks Rabbi again.

Rabbi, is it alright if I st...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

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A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

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A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years

One day he sees a beautiful woman in a swimsuit come ashore.

She says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you had a drink?"

He replies "Ten years" and with that she reveals a bottle of whiskey from within her swimsuit, which the man starts drinking from.

She then asks, ...

A young man was shipwrecked on a remote island.

Although he had plenty of food and water, there was nothing for him to do except play with himself. After many years, even that became so monotonous that he couldn't even get an erection . Now, completely without any happiness, he started to lose his sanity. One morning, as he is lying on the beach,...

There was a fire at the Goodwill yesterday

A person died of second-hand smoke

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

Did you hear what happened to that guy who has rhotacism and always smokes an E-cigarette?

He told me he got vaped last night.

What do tradies smoke?

Plumber’s crack

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal?

IDK, force of hobbit I guess

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