This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

People who smoke will get this


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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate.... the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

My dad made me smoke a full pack of camels last night..

I was wondering if any of y'all wanted some meat?

Do you smoke?

Non-smoker “Nah”

Cigarette smoker “Yeah”

Stoner “Smoke what?”

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

What do fish smoke?


You know what french people smoke?


The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH

[not mine]

What'd you call a marker that smokes weed?

A highlighter

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you spe...

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife used to smoke after sex

So we decided to start using lube

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”


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A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

What do you call a Scot man that smokes marijuana?

A Highlander

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

What do ducks smoke?

(Yes you saw it coming)

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

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I Always smoke after sex.,,

I should probably use lube and slow down...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you smoke after sex?

I don't think so, but I've never looked.

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

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My wife and I decided to only smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My girlfriend started to smoke after we had sex...

so next time we used lubricants.

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom

Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.


Arlene: What the hell is that?

Jane: It's a condom. This way my ci...

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

What's a duck's favorite thing to smoke?


I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops...

I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group...

Back in school my friends almost convinced me to smoke poison ivy.

Luckily, I didn't do anything rash.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

What's got two eyes and smokes?


What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

When I was a kid, my teacher told the whole class to go home and smoke or drink. Get it out of your system. After that, you will never feel like doing it again. Thanks to him, I never smoked or touched alcohol after that night of trying.

I moved to bigger things. I am a crack addict now.

Why did the three Wise Men smell like smoke?

Because they came from afar...

How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex...

They chew 'bacca

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Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

I promised myself I would only smoke when I drink.

Now I’m an alcoholic too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I always smoke after sex.

Thanks to my uncle I've been hooked since the age of 6.

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

The janitor at my work asked if I wanted to take a five minute break to go smoke weed with her.

I told her, 'No, I'm sorry, but I don't have time for a high maintainance woman."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was outside the pub having a smoke last night...

And a bloke in a wheelchair came up to me and asked me "Why do you smoke when you don't need to?"

I paused what I was doing and gave him a hard stare of thought. After a few moments I responded to him.

"Why the fuck are you wearing shoes?"

I swear, that's the last time I smoke with a Mexican girl!

As soon as I asked "you got any papers?" she took off...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If I smoke some strong weed and beat my meat...

Am I a chronic masturbator?

A bunch of sailors on a boat want to have a smoke, but don’t have any matches.

So one sailor throws one of his cigarettes overboard, and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Why do so many people smoke in China?

So that they can breathe in filtered air.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is sitting outside an office building having a smoke...

When another man walks out. He says to the first guy "Y'know, those'll kill ya".

The first one says, "my granddad lived to a ripe old age of 95".

"Oh really," the second one says, "and he smoked?"

"No, he didn't smoke. He knew how to mind his own fucking business."

What do you call someone who smokes weed insted of doing his job?


If your name is Fred and you live in Flint Michigan and you're about to smoke a bowl....

...does that mean you're freddy to get flint-stoned

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A prostitute asks her friend if she smokes after sex

She responds, I don't know, I never look.

Betty and Martha are standing outside the nursing home having a smoke

when it starts to rain. Martha curses and starts trying to shelter her cigarette when Betty calmly reaches into her bag, pulls out a condom and a pair of scissors. She snips the end off the condom, slides it over her cigarette and keeps smoking like nothing is wrong.

Martha looks at her que...

You can still smoke marijuana today.

Because four twenty two is four twenty too

A C-130 is being escorted by two F-16s.

Tired from following the slow-moving plane, one of the F-16 pilots tells his partner, "Hey watch what I can do." With that, he leaves the C-130's side and performs a series of barrel rolls.

"That's nothing" says the second F-16 pilot and he also leaves his spot and does even more spectacular...

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little billy wanted to smoke and drink.

Five year old Billy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

Billy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?"

Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?"
The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said "Then you're not man...

If Adele smokes a joint in a submarine

Is she rolling in the deep ?

I can’t stand bodybuilders who smoke weed.

They always act so high and mighty.

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?