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Smoke Jokes

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Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes I do.

Lady: How many packs a day?

Guy: 3 packs.

Lady: How much per pack?

Guy: $10.00 per pack.

Lady: And how long have you been smoking?

Guy: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack is $10.00 and you have been smoking 3 packs a da...

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I eat p***y like I smoke cigarettes…

All the way to the butt.

Damn girl are you a smoke detector?

Because you're super annoying and won't shut up

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

What do ducks smoke?

Qwack

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

What kind of weed do reptiles smoke?

Mariguana.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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a bear and a rebbit smoking a joint

A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. Bear saw the rabbit and invited him to smoke along, and rabbit joined.

After the they smoked one, the bear who was preaty high already asled the rabbit,

Bear: do you feel anything?
Rabbit: no
Bear: hmm, lets smo...

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke weed after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

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to quit smoking my wife and I agreed to only smoke after sex

I haven't smoked in month and she's up to 2 packs a day

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I used to smoke weed and go to class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

I saw a sketchy looking guy walking on the street with six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be part of some extreme mist group.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

Doctor: You don’t look too good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?

Me: I drink it.

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood..

Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, doe...

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

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Three men were talking about their teenage daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing.

I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank".
Then the third speaks up.
"Both of you have got nothing to worry about.
I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet o...

What do French people smoke...?

Oui'd.

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What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

Did you know that when you shoot different guns the smoke smells different?

For example a pistol won’t have a strong smell since it’s tiny.
An Assault rifle would smell like a lot of gun powder for how fast the bullets come out.
And apparently shotguns smell like teen spirit

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

If a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain...

...can a hooker get laid off?

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time

When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

Luke Skywalker: "You smoke Han Solo?"

Han Solo: "No."

Luke Skywalker: "What about Chewbacca?"

Han Solo: "No, I don't do that either."

2 girls meet: "Me & my husband are no longer together..." "Why?" "Well, could you live with a person who smokes weed, drinks, has no job and always cusses?"

"No, of course I couldn't!"
"Well he couldn't either!"

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke began to drift to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks were high

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

What do fish smoke?

Seaweed

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Smoking

Do you smoke after sex?



I don't know; I've never checked.

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Fred, Velma, and Daphne don't smoke weed

But Shaggy and Scooby doobie do

Smoking two cigarettes at once

A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must ...

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

I was helping my apiarist friend smoke her bees…

… they’re not as good as tobacco, but I love the aftertaste.

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A prostitute asks another prostitute, “Do you smoke when you finish?”

The other prostitute answers “I don’t know, I’ve never checked”

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Two women are smoking cigarettes outside...

...when all of a sudden, it starts to rain. One woman reaches into her pocketbook and pulls out a small square item. She tears it open and unfurls a condom, only to place it over her cigarette, which keeps it dry.

The other woman looks on in awe. “What is that thing? It’s genius! Normally I ...

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

Smoke marijuana...

Smoke marijuana,
Take over the government,
This is a high coup.

TIL while it's illegal to smoke marijuana in Sudan...

you can still get stoned

A dog saved a man from dying of smoke inhalation.

He followed the sound of dog's barking which lead him out of his apartment. He followed it down the hall and into an elevator shaft where he fell eight stories to his death.

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

Doctor: Sir, do you smoke?

Patient: Yeah.
Doctor: Cigarettes? Marijuana?
Patient: Mostly Brisket and Pork...


Shamelessly stolen from Doctor Mike on Youtube, but hell I laughed at that...

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

I matched with a tinder profile that had no pics.

We chatted a bit. Smart and funny so i asked for a date. She said yes!

I'm not expecting much, probably 400lbs. But she answered the door, this little strawberry blomde with a head full of curls and all the right curves in all the right places. We exchanged our real names and i asked what sh...

What happens if you smoke weed in a musilm country?

Simple, you get stoned twice

No smoking

A guy walks into a bar and immediately goes to the bartender to complain. "Did you know there are a couple of guys standing out front right by your door smoking?" the guy asks. "There was no way to come inside without being covered in smoke." "Dang it, not again!" the bartender exclaims as he heads ...

Smoking in the Rain

Two elderly women, Beatrice and Gertrude, are sitting on the front porch one day having a smoke when it starts to rain. Beatrice pulls a condom out of her pocketbook and puts it over then end of her cigarette. Gertrude is confused and Beatrice explains that it keeps the cigarette from getting wet. S...

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

Snoop Dogg has come up with a plan to smoke weed even after he dies.

He’ll be..rolling in his grave.

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Blowing Smoke

Two Firemen were having anal sex in a smoke filled room. Suddenly, the Fire Chief walks in. "What the hell is going on here?" asks the Chief.
The 1st Fireman tries to explain that his partner had "Smoke Inhalation".
The Chiefs yells, "You're supposed to give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation".<...

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