An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box...

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.

I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

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Two men pause their round of golf to smoke a cigar and one pulls a huge lighter out of his golfbag...

and proceeds to light his cigar. The other man laughs and says "Holy crap, that's the biggest lighter I've ever seen! It must be a foot long! Where did you get it?"
The first man says "I found a magic lamp while practicing the other day, and the genie gave it to me."
The second man is skep...

What do French people smoke??

Weed or Oui'd?

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Why did the Middle Eastern kid stand up on the table and smoke a joint?

He was trying to establish a high-iraqi

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I used to smoke weed and go to the class...

Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.

I was the best teacher ever.

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What do butterflies smoke?

milkweed

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop, hop, hop, when he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed. Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The ra...

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My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So now we use lubricant.

A man smokes some weed and goes to buy some protein powder

He gets to the store but realizes that protein powder is super expensive. He decides to steal it, as it was a high whey robbery

I smoke weed in all kinds of weather

I just dont in hail

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke

And I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!!!

Why should you never smoke at a salad bar?

Because you might ignite the rocket

What do you call a snail that smokes weed?

A trailblazer.

Have you ever tried to smoke bees?

They give you quite a buzz.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.



Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

Shortly after the Chernobyl incident...

...China, America, and Germany came too help with their state of the art cleanup robots, and sent them out to show them off to each other.

The Chinese robot broke down even before it could reach the cleanup site.

The Americans cheered as their robot performed its task in the highly i...

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I don't drink, smoke nor swear and I alwa....

Oh god fucking dammit, my cigarette fell into my beer

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So my grandpa was out in the porch having a smoke [long]

Me: can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can your dick touch your asshole?

Me: uh, no

Gramps: well then you’re not a man, the answer is no

(Later that day while Gramps is having a beer)

Me: hey can I have one of those?

Gramps: I don’t know, can ...

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When my girlfriend and I have sex, she always smokes afterwards

I think next time we’ll try it with some lube

Do you smoke?

Lady: Do you smoke ?

Man: Yes

Lady: How many packs a day ?

Man: 3 packs

Lady: How much per pack

Man: $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been smoking ?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending...

Two girls weent for a smoke

Did you hear about the two mormon girls who went to beach to smoke a cigarette away from the watchful eye of their parents? One had never smoked before, and was surprised to see her friend pull two cigarettes out of a condom, where she had them kept away. Her friend explained this was the best way t...

What do ducks smoke?

Quack.

The cleaning lady at work asked if I wanted to smoke a J with her

I declined because I'm not interested in high maintenance women

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A young military man is standing outside having a smoke

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at...

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

I’m a heavy smoker but then I watched a video on the dangers of smoking

I immediately quit watching videos

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A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

I saw a road that is full of people who smokes marijuana.

It's called a highway.

I saw someone smoking the other day, nothing makes me happier than seeing the elderly smoke.

This guys was just ancient, gray, and puffing away holding himself up on a walker.

I go, “Man, you're a boss! Smoking, at your age? That’s dedication."

He replied, "What? I'm 28!”

What do you call a computer that smokes pot?

High-tech.

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

My girlfriend asked me, “When’s the best time to smoke weed?”

“When?”

“It’s when I’m..weed you.”

Happy 4/20 folks

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

I don't cuss, I don't smoke, and I don't drink....

God damnit! I left my cigarettes at the bar!

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A year ago I vowed only to smoke after sex.....

....I haven’t had a cigarette since.

What is black and smokes and is attached to electrical wires?

A bad electrician

I only go for women that smoke.

Because I know they’re prepared to make bad decisions.

Why Shouldn't Cows Smoke Weed?

Because the steaks would be too high.

Do you smoke?

Non-smoker “Nah”

Cigarette smoker “Yeah”

Stoner “Smoke what?”

There are 3 men on a boat and 4 cigarettes, they don't have a lighter, how do they smoke?

they toss one cigarette over board to make the boat a cigarette lighter.

A sea captain sees smoke on the horizon and orders his ship to go investigate....

...as the ship gets closer to the smoke the captain can see through his binoculars that there is a fire burning on a small island, and a shirtless man jumping up and down waving his shirt like a flag. Just beyond the man and the fire there are three small grass huts. The captain orders the ship to g...

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My wife used to smoke after sex

So we decided to start using lube

Smoking a cigarette in a crowded room, I was a little bit worried at first when someone screamed at me, "Did you know second hand smoke is worse than smoking!?!"

But after a little thought I realized I had made the right decision.

If short people smoke weed ,

Do they get high or medium?

Two jockeys sitting in the stalls before a race. Jockey 1 says to jockey 2 "I'm so good at this jockey game that I gave this thorough-bread a spliff to smoke before the race. And I'm still going to win."

Jockey 2 says "get off your high horse".

Two old ladies that lived in a nursing home always went out to smoke a cigarette under a shade tree once a day.

One day it was raining when the ladies went out to smoke.

One of the ladies pulls out a condom and puts it over her cigarette.

The first lady says, “What are you doing? What’s the condom for?”

The second lady responds, “It keeps the cigarette dry when it it’s raining.”

So...

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke

He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you spe...

My friend wanted to smoke some afghani weed with me

But i said no, because, from what i heard, people in afghanistan get stoned TO DEATH


[not mine]

Smoke show.

I saw a lady smoking on the corner, she was so hot I stared for a few moments too long before realizing I had to call the fire department to put her out.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana.

Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said “You know you wanna”. Jill said yes, pulled up her dress and then they had some fun. But silly Jill forgot her pill and now they have a son.

Use contraceptives kids.

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,

but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

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A kid asks his mom, "how was I born?"

The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fuck...

Today I decided I won't smoke anymore

I won't smoke any less either though.

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I Always smoke after sex.,,

I should probably use lube and slow down...

I was gonna smoke weed with this Mexican girl

Until I asked her for some papers and she ran off.

What do you call a Scot man that smokes marijuana?

A Highlander

Hey do you know why they don't smoke pot in the middle east?

... apparently burning the Qur'an gets you way more stoned.

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My wife and I decided to only smoke after sex

I haven't had a cigarette in 10 years but my wife is up to two packs a day.

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Do you smoke after sex?

I don't think so, but I've never looked.

What do you call an Irish man that smokes weed?

A baked potato.

I was meeting a friend at a smoke shop and accidentally went into the dry cleaners next door...

Clothes, but no cigar.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook,

but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I just found out my little brother has been forced to smoke at school by some mad french foreign exchange student.

It was Pierre pressure

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Dammmn girl, are you a smoke detector?

Cause you're annoying and won't shut the fuck up.

What’s Stalin’s favorite thing to smoke?

We’d

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

i definitely smoke weed too much

but i function very highly on it...........

Why did the three Wise Men smell like smoke?

Because they came from afar...

I was using smoke signals and was surprised by who responded

Some firemen

I drink, smoke weed, do speed

But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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Damn girl are you a smoke alarm?

Because you're really fucking loud and annoying.

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Love to smoke cannabis but I need to quit, it makes me constipated. So I guess I either...

...shit or get off the pot.

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Star Wars fans don't smoke cigarettes after sex...

They chew 'bacca

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to i...

What's got two eyes and smokes?

Pompeii

How many cigarettes did the rapper smoke each day?

2Pacs.

What do you call a giant that smokes weed all day?

High and mighty.

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