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"Can I smoke some of your cigarettes?", little Johnny asked his grandpa.

His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshol...

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have sex 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.

I've been having a lot more sex since I got caught with all that weed and sent to prison.

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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking

Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.<...

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

What happens when a kidney smokes weed?

It gets kidney stoned.

As told by my 11 year old son.

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

What do you call it when some billionaires smoke pot?

High society

I just saw a sketchy guy buying a bunch of smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

If you date twin girls, and one of them smokes weed..

Is that like getting two birds with one stoned?

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

A divorced lady in her early 40's, out for a walk in the countryside, stumbles over an oddly shaped bottle. Picking it up and rubbing it lightly to see what it is, there’s a puff of smoke and a pixie appears from the bottle neck.

"Wow, that’s a relief,” says the pixie, “I’ve been in there a...

Fire broke out at a local marijuana farm, and the smoke drifted to a nearby cattle ranch.

The steaks could not have been higher.

Did you hear what happened to that guy who has rhotacism and always smokes an E-cigarette?

He told me he got vaped last night.

Do you remember when air was free at the gas station, and now it's $1.50? You know why?

Inflation


Holy smokes this blew up, THANK YOU all for the awards and the silver!!

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Two old ladies were smoking a cigarette while waiting for a bus. It started to rain, so one of them took out a condom from her purse..

and cut off the tip, slipped it over cigarette and continued to smoke. Her friend saw this and said, 'Hey thats a good idea! What is it that you put over ur cigarette?' The other old lady said, "It's a condom". "A condom? Where do u get those?". The lady replied, "You can purchase them at pharmacy. ...

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Remember, if you smoke after sex

you’re doing it too fast.

If you smoke seaweed on the beach...

...do you experience high tide?

Why did Bilbo Baggins always smoke pipeweed after every meal?

IDK, force of hobbit I guess

There's a guy who smokes 2 cigarettes together

They asked him: why do you always smoke 2 cigarettes together?

He said: one for me, and one for my brother in prison.

After a while they saw him smoking one cigarette only and they asked him: so your brother is out of the jail?

He said: no, I stopped smoking.

I won't smoke weed

I'm afraid of heights

i smoked weed with JLO in high school

We went to J High together.

What do tradies smoke?

Plumber’s crack

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A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint

the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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A lizard and a monkey smoke some weed

After a long day of surving in the African bush, Monkey and Lizard are chilling in a tree smoking a fat bush blunt. After a while Lizard tells monkey he needs a drink and goes down to the river. He bends down to take a sip and being stoned to his little lizard bones, he fell in the river and starte...

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

People say smoking is bad for you.

All I know is when I smoke, my brisket tastes amazing!

Why does Snoop Dogg smoke indo

Because it’s too hot to smoke outdo

A Doctor tells his patient that it’s okay to smoke, drink, be fat, etc

Patient: But isn’t that bad?

Doctor: That’s why I have the highest patient return rate.

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?

Because lightning strikes the highest object.

What do ducks smoke

Quack

What do underwater animals smoke

Seaweed

(Ba-dum crash)

Remember when you could smoke in a bar ?

Now you can't even drink in one.

An Orangutan Is smoking a joint on a tree when a lizard walks by...

The lizard asks: "Hey Orangutan what are you doing?"
"Smoking a joint"
"Ooooh can I have a puff???"
And the Orangutan: "Absolutely not, you're so small you couldn't possibly handle It"
"Cmon please Orangutan just one!"
"Alright! But don't make me regret It"
After smoking the lizard...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.

He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said:...

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

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My lady asked me if I smoke after sex.

I told her “I’m not sure. I never looked.”

What does Mario and Luigi smoke?

Wiid.

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my butt cherry" means something else, apparently.

My wife hates that I smoke, so we're going to see a hypnotist.

I am going to have her hypnotized to not care.

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet, and goes out. As she looks to her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.

Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and slips it...

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Some people smoke after sex

...but a little lubrication usually takes care of that.

When do cowboys like to smoke weed?

High noon.

Every machine is a smoke machine...

If you operate it wrong enough.

Do French people smoke cannabis?

oui'd

A coworker of mine recently took a break to go buy a pack of smokes from the corner store. He didn’t return so I guess that was his way of quitting.

Just like my dad

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

If you smoke weed before an eating contest

You're technically on performance enhancing drugs

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I used to swear, smoke, and drink, but now I'm a changed man.

Fuck, I dropped my cigarette in my beer.

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A 10 year old girl asks her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time your daddy and I decided to plant a wonderful little seed. Daddy put it in the earth and I took care of it every single day. After a while the seed started to grow more and more leaves. In a few months, it turned into a beautiful, healthy plant. So we...

"Excuse me," asked a homeless fella, as I walked through the street with my son. "Have you got a cigarette I can smoke?"



"Afraid not," I replied.



"What about your kid?" he insisted.



"No, you can't smoke him either."

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What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

What do you do if your partner smokes after sex?

Slow down and use more lubrication.

Does your horse smoke?

No? Then I think your stable is burning

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I eat pussy the same way I smoke cigarettes.

All the way to the butt.

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A grandson sees his grandpas drinking a beer and asks “grandpa can I have some of that” grandpa replies

“Can your dick touch your ass?”

“Well no not yet” says the grandson

“Ask again when it can” the grandpas says!
Later that day the young boy sees his grandpas smoking a cig
“hey grandpa can I smoke some of that” he asks

The grandpas asks him “can your dick touch your ass y...

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A young man has sex for the first time

The young man was very nervous about having sex with his girlfriend for the very first time, because he was convinced that his penis would be too small.

Eventually he realized that he could not postpone it forever and he nervously invited her over to his house..

Hesitatingly he starte...

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

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NSFW - My girlfriend always demands a "joke for a smoke" when someone tries to bum a cig

When someone can't come up with something on the spot, she offers to teach them one of her favorites:

"What tastes better on pie than pussy?"
.
.
.
.
.

"Crust"

Christopher Nolan always turns down the chance to smoke a blunt

He prefers a BONNGGG

What do cannibals like to smoke?

Men thaws.

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

Way too much time on my hands so I decided to make a bong out of a pineapple and paper towel tube. Didn't want to leave the house, so tried to smoke oregano, but found it really hurt my throat. Tried black pepper, but it just made me sneeze...

Moved on to some ground ginger, but the smoke made my eyes water.

Went on the internet where it says banana peels can be smoked, but couldn't get them dry enough to combust.

Checked under the sofa cushion, found an old bent up cigarette, placed it in the bowl, took a deep hit and real...

Different names for a Power On Self Test, when it goes wrong and smoke comes out of the device:

Power On Smoke Test

Power On (and) S#!T Trousers

Power Oh S#!T TURNITOFF

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A gecko was walking through the forest, when he saw a lot of smoke at the top of the tree where his friend monkey lived.

"He's got some good stuff there", he thought. He climbed up the tree and met his friend monkey, who was already high.

They smoked together for a while, then the gecko felt very thirsty. "I'll go down to the river and get some water, brb", he said to his friend.

As he was having his fre...

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