A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

A skunk walks into a courtroom in the middle of a trial.

The judge immediately shouts, "ODOUR IN THE COURT!"

I could not resist buying a skunk today at our local pet store.

It just made so much scents to me.

So this guy and his wife are driving home in the rain when a skunk appears...

The guy swerves and strikes the skunk nonetheless. Being an animal lover he stops and assesses the soggy critter. It breathes and he immediately scoops it up. "Quick!" He says to his wife, "warm this skunk in your lap while I drive to the vet!"

"But it's wet and stinky" she protests.
...

Never ask a skunk for their opinion.

You might get their 2 scents.

What happens if you put a bell on a skunk's tail?

Jingle smells.

Why can't skunks keep secrets?

Because someone's always catching wind of them.

I decided not to keep the skunk I bought and returned it to the vendor because...

it didn't make scents.

Lawyers and dead skunks

What's the difference between a lawyer and a skunk lying dead in the road?

There are skidmarks leading up to the skunk.

Have you heard the joke about the skunk

Never mind it stinks

What did the Italian say when he tested his first successful skunk perfume on a volunteer?

You reek-uh!

OC- as far as I know

What’s black, white, green, black and white

Two skunks fighting over a pickle

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

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A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.

“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.

“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.

“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”

The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to t...

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A man, a woman, and a skunk.

A husband and wife were returning from visiting relatives out in the country one cold and wintery night, when they came upon an adolescent skunk that appeared injured in the road.

The wife insisted that they stop and render aid to the skunk.

Against his wishes the husband stops and pi...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

A family goes overseas on a camping holiday

The 2 kids become friendly with a wild skunk. Over the course of the holiday they build up the skunks trust and they are able to handle it, pet it, feed it and play with it. They love the skunk and the skunk loves them.

On the last day of the holiday, the family is packing up their camp site ...

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Dave is a well known, respected hunter, known to be the best in the state.

One night, he is sitting in a bar with some friends, and an out of state hunter stops in the bar.
He overhears Dave’s friends talking about how he’s the best and says, “there is no way he is the best hunter in the state!”

So Dave bets him that he can not look and guess what an animal was ...

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

Did you hear about the skunks that started a boy band?

They are calling themselves "The Back Streak Boys"

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Baby Skunk.

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
...

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This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed,...

The Hunter.

There was a big game hunter in a bar in Africa. He was on a safari vacation with his wife. He was very good as a hunter.

While in the bar, he boasted that he could tell any animal and how it was killed by the feel of the pelt and the bullet hole. And he could do it blindfolded.

Of co...

How does a skunk smell?

With its nose...

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

A frog, a duck, and a skunk want to go to the movies together

A frog, a duck, and a skunk want to go to the movies together. But, when they go up to the ticket booth, the man working there tells them that only the frog and the duck can watch the movie.

"What?! Why can't I?" asks the skunk.

"Well, the movie tickets cost $1 each. The duck has a bil...

What do you call a flying skunk?

A smelly-copter

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

A guy brought home a skunk

His wife said: "what did you do ? Where are you gonna keep it?" Guy said: "under the bed" Wife said: "But what about the smell?" Guy said: "f*** it, let him get used to it like I did"

Surprise

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought ...

A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.

The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.

The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.

The skunk says he can't pay because he onl...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk'

Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

A Tale Of Two Skunks

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.

Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in.

The mother skunk asked Out to go out and brin...

That poor skunk.

A man and his wife were driving through a blizzard and they pass a skunk freezing on the side of the road. The wife says "That poor skunk it's going to freeze to death we should save it."
"Jeez I'll never hear the end of this if we don't" the husband thinks to himself.
So they turn around a...

What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

Skunked

A friend of mine got sprayed by a skunk at work today, saying it looked like a baby skunk. And my reply to her was:


Baby skunk pew pew pew pew pew pew

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A couple were out walking their pet skunk...

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came across a nice pub. The door had a “no pets allowed” sign so the husband said “just put it down your pants, no one will know”. The wife said “what about the smell?” The husband replied, “If it dies, it fuckin dies”.

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He sat in his own p-ew

A comedian's fan offered him a joint

Not wanting to disappoint his fans, he accepted it. He almost finished the drive to his lodging when a police officer stopped his car.

The officer asked him, "Have you been drinking?" The comedian denied doing so.

The officer then asked, "Is that marijuana I smell?"

The comedi...

A duck tries to walk into a bar...

...but he is stopped by the bouncer. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The duck has a bill, so he waddles right in.

Five minutes later, a turtle tries to walk into the bar. "One dollar cover," says the bouncer. The turtle has a greenback, so he walks right in.

Five minutes after th...

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

What do you call a cross between a skunk, a wolverine, and a porcupine?

"Sir" from a distance.

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

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Man runs over a skunk...

His wife yells at him to drive back to see if it's still alive...
So they drive back and truly, the skunk was still breathing, so the wife wants to take it to the vet. So she takes it to the car and asks her husband: "Where should I put it?"
The husband says: "I don't know... just hold it betw...

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In...

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An old couple have a pet skunk..

The elderly couple took it for walks every day. One day they came to this bar which had a big sign saying... "No pets allowed," Keen to go inside, she turned to her husband and said. "What shall we do about the pet skunk?" He replied "shove it down your panties, no one will know". She yelled back at...

One day a skunk and an opossum go to church.

They had to sit in their own pew.

The snake and the skunk

A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, "What are we going to do?" After thinking ...

Skunks

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
If skunks had a college
They'd call it P.U.

What did the Skunk say at Church?

Let us spray

Three skunks are walking down a road...

And they come to a fork in the road. The first skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the left." The second skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the right." The third skunk says, "Well my end stinks too, but it doesn't talk to me."

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The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"

He says, "I...

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NSFW. LONG. A couple of fleas were hanging out at a bar..

A couple of fleas, Frank and Pete, were hanging out at a bar by the beach. Frank asks Pete how are things going, to which Pete says

“Not great man. I found this dog in the street a few days ago and things were great...for a while. Plenty to eat, nice and warm, but I feel asleep and got woken...

One day a family of squirrels and a family of skunks are crossing the road...

...a car drives by and hits them. The only survivors was a baby squirrel and skunk and from that day on they became the best of friends. Years later, they're walking through the woods together:

Squirrel: Hey, have you ever wondered what we were?

Skunk: Yes, I have.

Squirrel: Ho...

The Skunk and The Duck

A family of skunks and a family of ducks were crossing the street... Because of the traffic a baby skunk and the baby duck had to stay on the other side of the road as they watched their families walk away. The duck and the skunk started to get upset because they didn't know who they were or what th...

One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

O...

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

Odor in the court!!!

Why do skunks celebrate valentines day?

Because they are very scentimental.

A man sees a skunk on his way home

He picks it up and takes it home, when he gets home he puts it under the bed. His wife walks in and then she says "what are you doing?" and he says "Putting a skunk under the bed." and she says "Well what about the stink?" and he said if "I could deal with it for 15 years so can the skunk."

...

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A woman is tired of her husband coming home drunk every night…

…so she decides to teach him a lesson!

Usually every night plays out the same way. Her husband comes home drunk as a skunk, walks directly to the bathroom to take a shit after which he makes his way to the bedroom, collapses on the bed and starts snoring like a freight train.

The woman...

What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school?

Preppy le Pew

So an Amish couple are in their horse and buggy going down the road during a blizzard...

The woman spots a skunk lying in the road. She turns to her husband and says, "Honey, pull over, he must be freezing!"

So the husband pulls over and the wife gets out and gets the skunk and get on their way again.

After about 5 minutes, she says to her husband, "Oh honey, he is still s...

On a warm summer morning, a family of ducks and a family of skunks are crossing a country road when...

without warning, a car barrels over a hill and into the path of the animals wiping out both families except for one baby duckling and one baby skunkling. The pair hightail it off the road and find refuge in a hole in a tree. They decide to stick together and support each other in order to survive. T...

A hunter walks into a bar

A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear."...

An elderly woman visits the doctor for, ahem, a little problem.

"You see, doctor..." and she leans in to whisper conspiratorially... "I have flatulence. But you wouldn't know it because it makes no sound and it has no odor. In fact, I'm flatulent right now. Right as we speak, I swear. To be honest I'm not sure I should even bother to do anything about it, it's s...

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Three guys die and go to hell...

When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.

Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in ...

What do you call a dead skunk?

A stunk.

My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.

A man walks into a bar and bets drinks that while blindfolded, he can identify any animal pelt and what it was shot with just by touch...

Some patrons agree to the bet and he sits down. A blindfold is placed over his eyes and he is handed the first pelt.

He runs his hand over it and promptly replies, "It's a rabbit, shot with a .22 caliber rifle.

He is correct and is brought another pelt.

Again, he runs his hand o...

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Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

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Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

Big Jim could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon...

Big Jim would go to the tavern every night and proclaim he could tell how any animal was killed and with what weapon. If he could do it, he would get a free drink. After a long night of correctly identifying deer killed with arrows, and bears taken down with guns, Big Jim was exceptionally drunk and...

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans

A comedian didn't want to disappoint his fans, so when a couple asked if he wanted to smoke a joint with them after the show, he said sure.On the drive home, he noticed flashing lights behind him and pulled over.The officer came to the window and asked if he'd been drinking. The comedian said he had...

Did you hear about the logical skunk?

It made sense.

Redneck husband and wife are smuggling a couple skunks across the border.

As they approach the border checkpoint the wife panics..."what do I do with these?!" she exclaims while frantically fumbling the skunks
"Quick now Mary Ann, hide them under your skirt!" said the red-neck husband in between his beer chug.
"Now, now whattabout the gadaym stink?!" says Mary Ann.....

Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.

"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."

Sven mumbles under his breath, but smile...

A man went to a hunting lodge

He walked up to the bar and sat down.
He looked around and admired all of the trophies and stuffed animals they had on display, he then looked at the bartender and said "I will bet you one beer that what ever animal you have in here, i can guess what animal it is , and what kind of weapon was use...

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A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

A hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the calibre.

The other patrons thought he ...

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

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A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

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Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:

“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do ...

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

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[long] A man comes home from the bar everynight and...

shits his pants while sleeping. His wife says to him, "One of these nights you're going to come home and shit your guts out."
The husband dismisses her with a wave and falls to sleep.

The next night he comes home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to pass out on the couch before he could head...

A husband and wife are headed to a dinner party.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.

"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.

"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."

"No. We have to take it to the vet."<...

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A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

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As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, sh...

What's black and white and red all over?

A skunk in a blender

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island

(Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless)

....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk.
When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying "n...

A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he d...

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.

Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of w...

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The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That'...

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Here's to spending the rest of me life between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!

Let me tell you about the best toast of the night. It was won by a fine Irish lad, John O'Reilly, who hoisted his ale and said "here's to spending the rest of me life... between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!" The men cheered and gave him a trophy. When John returned home that night, dr...

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Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

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A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

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Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

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