How much money does a skunk have?

One scent.

A hunter walks into a bar

A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got back very late from a bar drunk as a skunk

As quietly as i could I sneaked into the bedroom and my wife was sleeping. I got into bed and she grabbed me and starting fondling me. So drunk and horny we went for it.

After, I slipped out of bed while my wife was sleeping and went to the bathroom feeling good and walked in to see my wife ...

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

A duck, a skunk, and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill!

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in the woods...

A hawk, lion, and skunk are gathered in a forest arguing over who is the mightiest of the animals.

The hawk said "I am the mightiest for I can fly way up high and see my prey from far distances."

The lion said "No, I am the mightiest! For I can run the fastest and I am king of the jun...

How do skunks know who to spray and who not to spray?

Instink

How does a skunk smell?

With its nose...

What do you get if you cross an owl with a skunk?

A bird that smells, but doesn't give a hoot!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple were out walking their pet skunk...

A couple were out walking their pet skunk and came across a nice pub. The door had a “no pets allowed” sign so the husband said “just put it down your pants, no one will know”. The wife said “what about the smell?” The husband replied, “If it dies, it fuckin dies”.

Baby Skunk.

Dave and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
...

Me and the wife love Skunks and decided to smuggle one home but had to get past border control, the wife says how we going to do this? I said put it down your panties, she said what about the smell?

I said, well if it dies it dies...

That poor skunk.

A man and his wife were driving through a blizzard and they pass a skunk freezing on the side of the road. The wife says "That poor skunk it's going to freeze to death we should save it."
"Jeez I'll never hear the end of this if we don't" the husband thinks to himself.
So they turn around a...

A frog, a duck, and a skunk want to go to the movies together

A frog, a duck, and a skunk want to go to the movies together. But, when they go up to the ticket booth, the man working there tells them that only the frog and the duck can watch the movie.

"What?! Why can't I?" asks the skunk.

"Well, the movie tickets cost $1 each. The duck has a bil...

What do you call skunks doing 69?

Odor eaters

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the skunk.

A guy brought home a skunk

His wife said: "what did you do ? Where are you gonna keep it?" Guy said: "under the bed" Wife said: "But what about the smell?" Guy said: "f*** it, let him get used to it like I did"

What do you call a flying skunk?

A smelly-copter

My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk'

Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He sat in his own p-ew

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In...

A Tale Of Two Skunks

Once upon a time there were two little skunks named "In" and "Out."

They lived in a hollow tree with their mother.

Sometimes In and Out played outside, but other times they played inside.

One day In was out and Out was in.

The mother skunk asked Out to go out and brin...

A couple finds a wounded skunk on the road. 'Where do I put it?' the lady asks...

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, “Look, it’s shivering … it must be cold. What should I do?”

He says, “Put it between your legs.”

She says,...

A duck, a deer, a skunk and an elephant are sitting in a bar

The end of the night rolls around and the waitress asks who is going to pay the tab.

The duck says that he can't pay because he only has one bill.

The deer says that she had a buck on her last night, but won't have any doe until spring.

The skunk says he can't pay because he onl...

Man runs over a skunk...

His wife yells at him to drive back to see if it's still alive...
So they drive back and truly, the skunk was still breathing, so the wife wants to take it to the vet. So she takes it to the car and asks her husband: "Where should I put it?"
The husband says: "I don't know... just hold it betw...

What do you call a cross between a skunk, a wolverine, and a porcupine?

"Sir" from a distance.

What do you call the Skunk who wears khaki's and goes to private school?

Preppy le Pew

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance.

I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

Three skunks are walking down a road...

And they come to a fork in the road. The first skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the left." The second skunk says, "My instincts tell me to go to the right." The third skunk says, "Well my end stinks too, but it doesn't talk to me."

a duck and a skunk(offensive)

a mother duck and her baby are walking along with a mother skunk and her baby. they come upon a road and the mothers cross first, to make sure its safe. a car comes and the mothers are killed. the baby duck turns to the baby skunk and says"my mother is gone and I haven't learned anything from her, I...

The snake and the skunk

A man and his wife are coming to America with their pet snake and pet skunk. As they are walking up to the gate, about to board the airplane, they read a sign that says no pets allowed through customs. The wife gets a little distressed and asks the husband, "What are we going to do?" After thinking ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old couple have a pet skunk..

The elderly couple took it for walks every day. One day they came to this bar which had a big sign saying... "No pets allowed," Keen to go inside, she turned to her husband and said. "What shall we do about the pet skunk?" He replied "shove it down your panties, no one will know". She yelled back at...

One day a skunk and an opossum go to church.

They had to sit in their own pew.

A hunter sat in a bar.

A hunter walks into a bar, bragging that he can recognize any kind of animal skin by touch alone. When no one seems impressed he adds that he's also able to identify the exact weapon used to kill the animal.

This intrigues the other guests and they decide to put his boast to the test. After w...

One day a family of squirrels and a family of skunks are crossing the road...

...a car drives by and hits them. The only survivors was a baby squirrel and skunk and from that day on they became the best of friends. Years later, they're walking through the woods together:

Squirrel: Hey, have you ever wondered what we were?

Skunk: Yes, I have.

Squirrel: Ho...

The Skunk

One cold night, this couple was driving down the road, and the girl notices this black ball of fur on the side of the road. She makes him pull over, and she sees that it's a skunk that's about to freeze to death. She asks him, "Can we bring him with us in the truck to warm it up?"

He says, "I...

What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

Odor in the court!!!

Skunks

Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
If skunks had a college
They'd call it P.U.

A man sees a skunk on his way home

He picks it up and takes it home, when he gets home he puts it under the bed. His wife walks in and then she says "what are you doing?" and he says "Putting a skunk under the bed." and she says "Well what about the stink?" and he said if "I could deal with it for 15 years so can the skunk."

...

One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

O...

On a warm summer morning, a family of ducks and a family of skunks are crossing a country road when...

without warning, a car barrels over a hill and into the path of the animals wiping out both families except for one baby duckling and one baby skunkling. The pair hightail it off the road and find refuge in a hole in a tree. They decide to stick together and support each other in order to survive. T...

An elderly woman visits the doctor for, ahem, a little problem.

"You see, doctor..." and she leans in to whisper conspiratorially... "I have flatulence. But you wouldn't know it because it makes no sound and it has no odor. In fact, I'm flatulent right now. Right as we speak, I swear. To be honest I'm not sure I should even bother to do anything about it, it's s...

What do you call a dead skunk?

A stunk.

My daughter made this up when she was about 7 years old. I thought it was incredible clever.

So there's a family of rabbits on the side of the road...

Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Rabbit.
They're hopping across and BAM, a truck runs over Mommy and Daddy, but Baby makes it across.

Back on the other side, there's a family of skunks. Mommy, Daddy, and Baby Skunk.
They go waddling across the road and BAM, a truck runs offer Mommy and Daddy, but...

Redneck husband and wife are smuggling a couple skunks across the border.

As they approach the border checkpoint the wife panics..."what do I do with these?!" she exclaims while frantically fumbling the skunks
"Quick now Mary Ann, hide them under your skirt!" said the red-neck husband in between his beer chug.
"Now, now whattabout the gadaym stink?!" says Mary Ann.....

Did you hear about the logical skunk?

It made sense.

Beans for lunch

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my wife seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was...

Oooo, that smell (LONG)

A load of chickens in their pickup bed, Sven and Tina are enjoying a quiet ride to the market when Sven accidentally runs over a skunk.

"Oh Sven, you've gotta stop," Tina says. "That was a momma skunk, and her babies are crying by the roadside."

Sven mumbles under his breath, but smile...

Skunked

A friend of mine got sprayed by a skunk at work today, saying it looked like a baby skunk. And my reply to her was:


Baby skunk pew pew pew pew pew pew

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

The Skunk and The Duck

A family of skunks and a family of ducks were crossing the street... Because of the traffic a baby skunk and the baby duck had to stay on the other side of the road as they watched their families walk away. The duck and the skunk started to get upset because they didn't know who they were or what th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three women go on a night out...

Three women go on a night out and leave their husbands looking after the kids.

They get incredibly drunk, but decide to call it a night and head home when they can barely stand. One of the women on the walk home says "I really need to go for a piss, come into this graveyard here"....so they ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three guys die and go to hell...

When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.

Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in ...

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and green all over?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle.

A hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the calibre.

The other patrons thought he ...

Olie & Lena are driving down the road in their Model T...

Suddenly, a mother skunk enters the roadway with her two young babies. Olie can’t stop in time and runs the mother over.

It winter time and Lena jumps out of the car to rescue the two orphans. She gets them back in and they’re shivering:

“Oh, Olie! They’re so cold! What should I do ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

A man went to a hunting lodge

He walked up to the bar and sat down.
He looked around and admired all of the trophies and stuffed animals they had on display, he then looked at the bartender and said "I will bet you one beer that what ever animal you have in here, i can guess what animal it is , and what kind of weapon was use...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[long] A man comes home from the bar everynight and...

shits his pants while sleeping. His wife says to him, "One of these nights you're going to come home and shit your guts out."
The husband dismisses her with a wave and falls to sleep.

The next night he comes home drunk as a skunk, and proceeds to pass out on the couch before he could head...

Sven and Ole go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, and go to Hell.

The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ...

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

A man and his wife...

A man and his wife are making the long drive back to their rural farm late one wintry evening. While still some distance from home, a mother skunk and her kit dart in front of the car, and unfortunately, the mother skunk is killed instantly. The wife insists that her husband stop the car, which he d...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun walks in to a liquor store

(this is the best joke my drunk dad ever told me)

A nun walks in to a liquor store while dressed in her habit and grabs a bottle of Jack Daniels. When she gets to the counter, the clerk looked a little more than surprised. She told him, "don't worry, it's medicinal. It's for Mother Superior's...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on...

A couple goes on their honeymoon on an island

(Sorry for my bad english in advance, great joke nevertheless)

....They had a great time. Upon leaving the island, they both decide to get a pet as a memory for their honeymoon. Husbang grabs a rattle snake and wife grabs a skunk.
When they get to the airport, they notice a sign saying "n...

Drunk Sean Spicer

Sean Spicer had a few extra shots at the White House ball. Drunk as a skunk, he wandered the grounds until he came upon the Rochambeau statue in Lafayette Square.

As he sat puking in the bushes, he suddenly heard a distinct pssssttt... Afraid that a MSNBC journalist might catch him in this st...

HOW TO DRIVE IN ATLANTA

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, Atlana. Old-timers are still allowed to call it Alana.
2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
3. The minimum acceptable speed on I-285 is...

As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, *bang*, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guys night out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'guys.'

I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That'...

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Here's to spending the rest of me life between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!

Let me tell you about the best toast of the night. It was won by a fine Irish lad, John O'Reilly, who hoisted his ale and said "here's to spending the rest of me life... between the sumptuous legs of me big breasted wife!" The men cheered and gave him a trophy. When John returned home that night, dr...

What's the Difference Between Guts and Balls?

Guts is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk meeting your wife at the door with a broom in her hand and asking her if she's still cleaning the house or going out for a ride.

Balls is coming home late from the bar, drunk as a skunk with lipstick all over your face and the scent of w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

CARTOON LAWS OF PHYSICS

Cartoon Law I

Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware
of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pasture land. He
loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"

The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "...

A husband and wife are headed to a dinner party.

As they're driving, the husband accidentally runs over a skunk. The wife, all concerned, makes him stop to see if the skunk is okay.

"Honey, it's still alive! We can't just leave it here," the wife says.

"Dear, it's only a skunk. Let's go."

"No. We have to take it to the vet."<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Animal jokes for kids

Here is the list of the rest of our animal jokes, puns, and riddles for children and kids:

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.

Q: How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
A: Build a sty-scraper!

Q: What did the farmer call the cow that had no milk?
A:...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

BABY POWDER

It's after dinner when this guy realizes he's out of cigarettes. He decides to pop down to the corner bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.

The bartender offers him a draft on the house and he decides he has time for just one. He's nursing it along when a gorgeous blonde come...

So me and my wife are driving down the highway....

When I hear a thud come from underneath my car. We pull over to see what I've hit and there lies a little skunk and it looks like he has a broken leg. My wife is a total animal nut and she insists we take it to the vet. We get the little guy in the car and he's shivering pretty bad, winters get pret...

Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest pastors. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old secret that Jagermeister helps constipation, which one of the nuns...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nun walks into a liquor store . . .

and asks for a bottle of whisky.

The owner is shocked. "I'm sorry, Sister, but I'm a good church-going man. I simply can't sell liquor to a nun."

The nun blushes a little, looks around nervously, then leans forward to whisper: "It's for Mother Superior's constipation."

"Oh, wel...

In and Out

(Part joke and part tongue-twister - lots of fun to tell out loud.)

Once upon a time, a mama skunk had twin baby skunks, who she named In and Out.

One day when they were just wee skunks, In and Out went out to play. At lunchtime, Mama Skunk poked her head out and called out, "In and O...

A man and wife are driving on the highway at night...

...when he accidentally hits a momma skunk crossing with her babies. The wife nags him to pull over and see if any survived. The momma was dead but the babies were alive and cold so the wife nags him to put them in the car to warm up and they continue their drive. Seeing the babies still shivering t...

Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside

when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."

Guy can tell how any animal was killed

Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.

People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).

the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, th...

Stupid Q & A Jokes

Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A. He wanted cold hard cash!


Q. What did the porcupine say to the cactus?

A. "Is that you mommy?"


Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.


Q. How do crazy people go...

One for the team

An officer is parked across from a crowded bar at 3am and sees a man stumble out of the door. The man weaves around the lot looking for his car. He fumbles with his keys, dropping them and trying to put them in the wrong car several times. Finally he finds his car, sits a few minutes, then drives...

Two rednecks, husband and wife, open a Bed&Breakfast place...

Among their first clients, was a couple of French. They give them the key to the room, and during the night, the redneck wife decides to go and spy on them through the key hole. She sees how the French woman strips in front of her husband and throws her lingerie at him. Seeing how aroused the man wa...

Two Amish women are walking down the street.

Two Amish woman are walking down the street when they come across a momma skunk and a baby skunk. A hummer comes driving by at 60 mph and runs over the momma skunk and kills it. The first Amish girl says oh my we can't let that baby skunk by itself. So she picks it up and puts it under her dress to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandfather's favorite joke

Two men are sitting at a bar one night, Danny and Jacob. Danny looks over to Jake and says "My wife is gonna kill me; i'm drunk as a skunk", Jake says "Ah! you're fine have another beer!" So Danny has another beer, and he ends up puking all over himself. Danny says "Ah look at me, i gone thrown up a...