Jackpot!

How is having a threesome with 2 transvestites like winning the lottery?

You have six matching balls

The first thing I will get if I win the $1B MegaMillions jackpot tonight

A heart attack.

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery...

Wife: Suppose you hit jackpot of 1 million dollars in a lottery and the same day, someone kidnaps me and demands ransom of 1 million dollars. What will you do?

Husband: I doubt if I can hit two jackpots in one day!

For the first time in my life, I bought a lotto ticket, hoping for a Jackpot win of $70M.

In moments like this, I was taught to pray to St. Jude, and make a promise to donate some money to St. Jude's Children's Hospital.

I prayed as hard as I could, and I promised to donate $1,000,000 if I win the jackpot.

The next day I read the news. On the front page, it showed my neighb...

Whoever wins the MegaMillions jackpot will make history

They'll be the first billionaire to pay taxes

If I won the $51 million powerball jackpot, I’d give a quarter to charity.

Not sure what I would do with the other $50,999,999.75 though...

Following the UK entry's "nul points" in last night's Eurovision song contest

Alexander Armstrong and Richard Osman have announced that they are adding £250 to the jackpot.

Whoever wins the Mega Millions Jackpot....

… touched me inappropriately 30 years ago.

A gambler hits the jackpot

*What are we going to spend 10 million dollars on?* - asks his wife.

"31 black"

Government: Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.

In unrelated news the Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!

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John, who was in financial difficulty, walked into a church and started to pray.

''Listen God,'' John said. ''I know I haven't been perfect but I really need to win the lottery. I don't have a lot of money. Please help me out.'' He left the church, a week went by, and he hadn't won the lottery, so he walked into a synagogue. ''Come on, God,'' he said. ''I really need this money....

A gambling addict walks into a bar...

Bar... bar... JACKPOT!!

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

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So dude wins the lottery...

...comes home. Bursts through the front door beaming!

"Honey! Pack your bags! I hit the jackpot! 323 MILLION DOLLARS!", he exclaims!

His wife begins reeling from the information. Almost fainting she says, "We won the lottery?! Oh my goodness, dear! Where should I pack for? The tr...

A chemist and a mathematician are going camping in the woods.

Night begins to fall and the sun starts to set. They begin to get cold and hungry. The mathematician gets the idea to start a campfire for warmth and cooking. The problem is that they do not have any wood. The chemist then suggests to go out and find some loose twigs and burn them.

As they ve...

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A man is bored one Saturday Night...

It was Saturday night, and a man decides to go out to a nightclub to get lucky. He meets a pair of twins and thinks he has hit the jackpot when they invite him back to their house.

When he gets there, he finds that it is a weed farm, and they share the house with the grower, who is rolling a ...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

A couple move to Nevada and the husband hits it big at the casino

He rushes into his house and yells to his wife,

"Pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!"

The wife replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The husband responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon."

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What happens in Vegas...

A perpetual gambler had a rare turn of luck and hit a 500k jackpot. The casino, determined to get their money back, comped him one of their best luxury suites. Lonely, he was seeking some lady company for the evening. He called down to the concierge’s desk and requested the best looking call girl in...

2 cannibals sifting through a funeral pyre looking for any remains.

One of them finds a foot, and asks

" jackpot! do you want some."

"No Thanks"

The other one shouts back

"I'm Blacktoes intolerant"

What do you call a ton of free weed?

Jackpot.

Three young priests are sitting in a pub... (NSFW)

They've all recently graduated from the seminary, and they've just been told where they're being sent for their first posting: they've all requested missionary work overseas.

The first one takes a huge swig of his pint and slams it down on the table triumphantly.

"Well, I'm over the mo...

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Swinger's Party

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.


Never saw my BMW again.

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I've been masturbating into cookware

It's my jackpot!

Someone told me Im more likely to die from a lightning strike while on the way to buying a lottery ticket than actually winning the lottery.

Either way I hit the jackpot.

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Got lucky on a business trip to London

On a recent trip to London I hit the jackpot and was lucky enough to have sex with the Duchess of Cambridge, Kate Middleton!
 
After this amazing experience I have drawn 3 conclusions:
 
1. Her tits are really firm, they are probably fake.
 
2. She didn...

Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot.

"Which of these birds does not live in a nest?
A) Thrush, B) Kestrel, C) Blue Tit, D) Cuckoo"

Paddy has one lifeline left, phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub. Murphy agrees, and i...

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A man got fired from his job.

When he sat at the bar he began to cry with his hands over his face. The bartender walks over and tells him to calm down.

The crying man catches his breath enough to explain he just lost his job and can't face his wife or son now. "We're going to lose the house, his birthday presents and I ca...

I was walking through the park the other day

(NSFW) When I saw a frog sitting on a rock. As I walked past the frog said to me "Here mate, come here a second" and I was shocked! "WTF!! How can you talk??" The frog replies "I'm a magic frog, ofc I can talk" and I'm like "There's no such things as magic frogs" and he says "Fine I'll prove it! I''...

What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's?

Jackpot!

Wife letter to husband

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and d...

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