Sometimes I wonder what my parents did for fun before the internet.

I asked my 32 brothers and sisters, but they didn't know either.

I went to the doctor and he said you have the blood pressure of a 14 year old kid

I said great. He said, not so great, a 14 year old *American* child. You got four months to live.

Kids are so fat these days the first letters they learn in the alphabet are not ABC, it's KFC.

Kids are so fat these days they use cheat codes to play Pokemon Go.

Kids are so fat th...

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

What is six inches long, fits in your mouth, and is more fun when it vibrates?

A toothbrush, you perverts.

Why is the mushroom always invited to parties

Because he's a fun guy

Me: so how do you guys get around?

DUMBLEDORE: lots of ways. you can take the secret train

ME: makes sense

DUMBLEDORE: fly a broomstick

ME: fun

DUMBLEDORE: flush a toilet and get sucked down into it.

ME: waitaminute... what?

DUMBLEDORE: bus

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Pairs of parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's ob...

A brunette, redhead and blond went to a remote fitness spa deep in the mountains for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded ...

My workplace has a monthly fun day, and this month was PJ Day. But when I showed up in my PJs, I WAS FIRED!

\#justicefornakedsleepers

Olie gets pulled over for speeding through town with a pig in the passenger seat.

So Olie gets pulled over by an officer of the law for running 100 mph through the middle of town with a pig in the passenger seat. The officer says "What in the world are you doing Olie? What's the hurry?" He says, "I"m just a trying to get dis here pig back to the farmer whose truck dis pig fell...

I turned myself into the police today

It was fun pulling people over and taking their drugs until I got busted for impersonation.

This morning I was beaten senseless by an incredibly busty woman on the elevator. It happened like this...

The elevator slowed down and stopped at the sixth floor where this drop-dead woman with an incredible rack got on.

I couldn’t help but stare at her fun bags as the elevator doors closed, then she asked me, “Would you please press one?”

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Is having a penis fun?

It has its ups and downs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Virginity in school

Son to mother: "Mom all the kids in the school are making fun of me because I'm still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop it."

Ticketholder: Have fun at your concert!

Me: Y-you too.

Ticketholder: Yeah, I know who you're going to watch.

I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.

I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.

Fun fact: French tanks in WWII had rear-veiw mirrors.

This allows them to see the frontline too.

What do you call an erection at a funeral?

Mourning wood!

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After recovering from an accident resulting in the loss of his eye, Jim decides to have a drink at the local pub with a few friends. The man, self-conscious about being made fun of for his wooden eye, downs three shots to try to loosen up.

He notices his friends pointing and laughing at a girl with what appeared to be a mouth that went up and down rather than side-to-side. He, of all people, could understand her discomfort, and decided to walk over and introduce himself.

After an hour and a few drinks, the conversation was flo...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.

He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools - Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father,

"Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?"

"Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to hav...

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I am so glad that I waited until marriage to have sex with my girlfriend

Sex is way more fun when I am cheating on my wife

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

I used to date a woman who had a breast on the center of her back

It looked funny but she was fun to slow dance with

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Three men get lost in a forest and kidnapped by a cannibal tribe...

The chief tells them that since they don't seem to mean any harm, they must pass a test and if they do, he'll let them go free, he'll even point them in the direction of civilization. But if they cannot complete the test, they will be killed and served for dinner. First, he sends each of the men in ...

If you’ve been on reddit for a while you know theres a serious side, and a fun side to the site.

Both of which you shouldn’t take seriously

Why is Trump no fun to play UNO with?

He keeps all the green cards.

Bullies at school make fun of me and call me a terrorist because my name is Victor...

Tomorrow, I'll bring big brother Vector! He will teach them...

Fun Fact: If you were to take out all the organs in your body and stretch them out

You'd die.

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

Never make fun of a person who stammers...

Because they'll get their revenge... eventually.

Fun fact: Alligators can live up to 100 years

Which increases the likelihood they’ll see you later

Fun name game

Your Alcoholic name is:


Your first name

\+

Your last name

Fun Facts

Did you know that recent survey’s and studies have shown Bee Keepers to be the best Match Makers?

It’s true. When they looked into it, the study shows that beauty is indeed in the eye of the Bee-Holder

I don't understand why people make fun of short people. Honestly though, you've really gotta hand it to short people

Because they probably can't reach it anyways.

Fun fact: The USSR didn’t have iron mines.

They had iron **ours.**

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If there is one thing that democrats and republicans can agree on during this impeachment hearing...

...it's that "quid pro quo" is really fucking fun to say!

When I was a kid we had fun rolling down hills in tires.

Those were goodyears.

I arranged a threesome on the weekend.

Had two no shows, but I still had fun.

I loved my entire college experience.

I had fun that day.

The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us.

He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone.

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

It's great having a loose girlfriend!

But she's had her fun now, back in the cage she goes!

I was bragging to my friends about how I had a date coming up with this hot girl...

My friends laughed and made fun of me, saying that she probably doesn't even exist.

But the joke's on them, because they don't exist either!

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A man dies and finds himself in Hell.

He is greeted by Satan.

Satan: Welcome to Hell! Hey, why do you look so glum?

Man: Why do you think I look so glum? I'm in HELL! Isn't it eternal torture?

Satan: Nah, you've got us all wrong. Hell is pretty okay. When you were alive, did you drink?

Man: Yeah, I drank way ...

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When a women buys a dildo, it's a bit of naughty fun!

But when a guy orders a 240 volt Fuckmaster Pro 5000 blowup latex doll with 6 speed pulsating pussy, elasticized anus with non-drip semen collecting tray, together with optional built-in realistic orgasm scream 7.1 sound system, he's called a pervert.

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

When my mates and I are bored we play catch with our watches

It's a fun way to pass the time

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf is like masturbation.

Doing it is fun but watching it isn't

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I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

Halloween fun!

Three vampires went into a bar and sat down. The bartender came over to take their orders. "And what would you, eh, gentlemen like tonight?"

The first vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The second vampire said, "I'll have a mug of blood." The third vampire shook his head at his compani...

You shouldn’t make fun of fat people

They have enough on their plates already.

What's at least 6 inches long, goes in your mouth, and is more fun if it vibrates?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..



.

.

.

.

.

.

A toothbrush. Come on.

It wasn’t fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

Astronomy is fun!

Fun fact. Recently, we learned that a star called S5-HVS1 from the constellation Grus was ejected from the galactic core 5 million years ago by the blackhole at the center of the Milky Way, Sagittarius A\*.

That star has been measured as traveling 3.7 million mph which is roughly .5% of the s...

Hey, before you make fun of China, you should actually visit the country...

They won’t let you back in after.

Why does everyone make fun of the cripple kid?

Because he can't stand up for himself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Juggling seems fun

But i just dont have the balls to do it

A couple of weeks ago, I played golf with a guy who shot an even par 72. We had fun during the round, so I asked him if he wanted to play next week.

He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late."

The following week he shows up right on on time, and sets up on the first tee, this time playing left-handed. Again he shoots a 72.

I asked him if he wanted to play again next week. He replied: "Sure but I might be a half hour late."...

Maths is fun

One day, e^x sees x^2 running down the street in a panic. "What's wrong?" asks e^x. "There's a Differential Operator in town!" yells x^2. "If I run into him too many times, I'll disappear!"

"Don't worry," responds e^x. "I'll go have a chat with him. No, don't worry about me -- he can't hur...

Why is working at the abortion clinic so much fun?

They bring out the kid in you.

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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Where do all the fun guys hang out?

In Mushrooms.

After a family dinner full of fun, my wife sarcastically complimented me that I have become a true master at dad jokes...

... to which I responded, “ I guess I’m officially a groan man.”

Fun Fact : Before the crowbar was invented....

Most crows just drank at home!

My mom asked me how I can have fun playing video games all the time...

I said, "They're actually designed that way."

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Y’know, imaginary numbers are all fun and games...

... until someone loses an i

Then shit gets real.

Life would be a lot more fun if

Whoever came up with the name "dentures", missed a golden opportunity to call them

"Substitooths"

My friends always make fun of me for having an imaginary girlfriend.

Joke's on them, they're imaginary too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's a masochist's favorite place to go have fun?

An Abusement Park

What do you call it when someone makes fun of your facial hair?

A side-burn

Fun history fact...

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using the length of a sheep’s intestines.
However in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the sheep first....

Why shouldn’t you make fun of a VSCO girl?

Because they’re going to be a skskskskool shooter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t ever make fun of people with chronic diarrhea.

They already get enough shit.

Botanocide is pretty fun,

it's great for killing thyme.

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People get made fun of for being virgins, but what are people who have LOST their virginity?

Losers

I’ve been meaning to try bukkake for a while, and it’s really fun.

My whole family came.

My dating profile says I’m an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way I’m going to be stopped

by a “Keep off the Grass” sign.

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Driving a car is a lot like sex. It was fun for the first few times...

But now it's boring and costs too much money.

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

People who say politics aren't fun are wrong.

We have a joke as a president what more do you want.

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