The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

You can't violin with your balls

A banjo asked a fiddle to marry him. "Don't frett," he said. "Just duet and we'll live in harmony until the end of time."

Ten months later, the fiddle started to tip the scales. Her belly was noticeably bowed and before you could say concerto, out popped a minor.

Daddy banjo went to the Hyundai dealer and traded in his old Accent for a brand new Sonata. After just a month, mama fiddle lost her key at the bar and...

What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle?

A violin's got strings. A fiddle's got strangs.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

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A Female Dwarf

Goes to the doctors and says "everytime it rains my Vagina hurts" The doctor has a good look at her lady garden and can't see anything that could cause it. He advises to come back on the next rainy day.

A few days later the dwarf is back at his office saying its raining and my vagina is hurti...

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After my divorce, my friend asks "So how does it feel when you fiddle with your ring finger and realize that it's no longer there?"

Fuck... I swear I did not realize that she took the whole finger too!

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

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What do you call a doll with a fiddle and a hatred of Jews?

A Doll Fiddler

My four-year-old came up with this one:

What do you call a hobbit in blue pants? Lord of the jeans.

(This was after he heard the Alexa ask, “what do you call a hobbit playing a fiddle? Lord of the Strings”)

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

Two blondes leave a restaurant and realize they’ve locked their keys in the car.

The husband fiddles with the door but isn’t having any luck.

The wife says “I know! I’ll run inside and see if they have a coat hanger that we can use to Jimmy the lock!”

The husband replies “Great idea! But hurry, because it’s about to rain and the top is down!”

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The other day, I couldn't get my tractor to start

The other day, I couldn't get my tractor to start. So I went round the front to see why it wasn't working. I flicked a lever, fiddled with a few buttons, pulled the line...

And then it hit me.

The violinists in an orchestra don’t do much

They just fiddle around

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

My younger brother took his life 3 years ago. Always a comedian, here’s his cheesiest joke

Farmesan the dairy farmer is feeling bleu because of a string of falls he's been suffering. He calls up his doctor, Dr. Edam JaColby, and tells him "Doc, I'm in so much paineer!"and schedules an appointment. So Farmesan carephilly stumbles over to the clinic. "You mozzarella needed to see me cause y...

Quarantine has lasted so long I forgot which key locks my front door.

As I was leaving the house, I tried to lock the door but used the wrong key. As I fiddled through my keys, trying them unsuccessfully in the lock, my girlfriend chimed in, "Can't find the hole again?"

"No," I replied, trying another key, "It's been so long I can't remember which-. Wait, what ...

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A guy walks into a bar

He orders a rum and coke. The bartender fiddles around under the bar for a second and pulls out an apple. The guy is confused, he says, "no I ordered a rum and coke." The bartender says, "just try it." So he bites it and it tastes just like rum! The bartender says, "now turn it around." And wow! It ...

The devil whispered in my ear you aren’t good enough, you’ll never amount to anything.....

I whispered back, at least I didn’t lose my golden fiddle to some hillbilly in Georgia.

I don’t understand satanists

Why would anyone pray to someone who lost a fiddle playing contest to some hillbilly from Georgia?

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A girl was going to study for her AP exams... [long]

A girl was starting to study for her AP exams, and her parents bought her a new calculator to help her out. The next day, she took the calculator in to class and started using it. The moment she started hitting the keys, she heard a guitar playing country music. Startled, she stopped and put it bac...

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Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.

"No. You've had too much," wife responds.

"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.

"I'm tired of this. Help yourself. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.

Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, and grabs a bot...

An 80yr old couple go to the doctors for a routine check up.

The doctor comes back with the results and says "Physically you are both fit as fiddles for your age. However mentally you are both beginning to lose it a bit. My suggestion for now is write things down when you think of them, that way you can keep on top of your to-do's".

So they go home, re...

Aboriginal Rituals

A couple years back, I stumbled on a surprising reference to the astonishing longevity of Aboriginal shamans living in the Australian outback. Reliable birth records aren't available before the early 20th century, but government officials have noted an astounding number of nonagenarians and centenar...

A king is looking for a new chief advisor.

His choices are a physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer.
His test is simple: Whoever can determine the volume of a red rubber ball will be the new chief advisor, provided his explanation makes sense to the king, and that the king can trust the calculation.

The physicist goes firs...

A hunter walks into a bar

A big game hunter walked into a bar and was bragging to everyone about his hunting skills. He claimed that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them the calibre.

The other patrons thought he ...

A hunter walks into a bar

A hunter walks into a bar and says, "I'm the best hunter there ever was. You hand me a hide, I'll tell you what animal it came from, what killed it, and I'll do it blindfolded."
The bartender blindfolds him and hands him an animal skin. He handles it for a few minutes, and then he says, "Bear."...

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A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die

A bus full of nuns crashes and unfortunately they all die. At the gates of heaven they meet St Peter.

He asks the first nun: "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

The nun replies: "I poked one once."

St Peter says: "Wash your finger in this holy water and enter heave...

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(-i)^2=-1.

Moral: If you fiddle with imaginary problems too much, shit's gonna get real.

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He says: "I'll bet you 50 bucks my octopus can play any instrument!"

The bartender takes the bet and hands an octopus a guitar. The octopus plays the guitar like Jimi Hendrix.

Then a barmaid comes over with a trumpet and the octopus plays the trumpet.

Then a waitress comes ov...

Pawnshop wisdom

I asked a friend of mine to appraise my grandfather's violin, seeing that he runs a pawnbrokers shop. "Old fiddles aren't worth much nowadays," he told me.

"What makes it a fiddle, and not a violin?" I asked him.

"Simple," he explained, "If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle. If...

The devil went down to Georgia looking for a soul to steal

He was walking along the country road when he saw a boy playing his fiddle on the side of the road.

The devil walks up to him and says, "Hey boy, you're pretty good with that fiddle, but I bet that I'm better than you."

The little boy says, "Alright, mister. What do you have in mind?"<...

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Kid 1: "My grandad can play the piano with his feet"

Kid 2: "That's nothing; MY grandad fiddles with his dick"

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A young boy is walking home

A young boy is walking home one way when he finds a welder's mask on the ground. He picks it up, puts it on, and fiddles with it, flipping the visor open and closed. Right then a white van pulls up next to him and a strange man tells him he'll give the boy a ride.

The boy gets in and the man ...

Why don't you hire a violinist as your babysitter?

Because he might fiddle with your kids.

A man is taking his family to his father's funeral...

.. He is talking with his wife as his two children sit in the backseat, the daughter fiddles with her phone charger while the son listens in.

"Honey, I don't know what I'm going to say in his eulogy."

"Well, you could make comparisons, say he was as strong as an ox."

"Yeah, that...

3 blokes died on christmas eve

they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys i cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?" so he fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell" "in to heav...

Why can the Devil never go back to Georgia?

He fiddled up a little kid.

I was going to record a video of me playing the violin but...

I didn't want to fiddle with the camera

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Good News and Bad News and Good News

So this old man goes to the doctor and the doctor says, “Your test
results came back and I’m afraid I have some bad news, and good news."
The man says, "Well, crap, tell me the bad news first"
So the doctor says, "I'm sorry to say this, but you have alzheimer's"
The old man says, "Damn, ...

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