UPJOKE
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Action Jokes

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.
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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

Which popular action figure has a farm?

GI GI Joe
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Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....
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A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies.....

A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Ok...
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Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it ...

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Action

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. Th...

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.
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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

Stallone thought of creating an action movie about composers.

Stallone: I'll play Beethoven

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart

Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I'll not say it.
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How much action does a priest get?

Nun
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Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever.

You know what they say about old habits.
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Action News Update

And in other news...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be changed to 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up....

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline



Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.
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I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota
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Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.
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Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.
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Why did Justin Trudeau finally take action on the housing shortage?

He started shopping for an apartment.
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Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.
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Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...
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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

What's the action like at a circus?

In-tents.
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Donald Trumps recent actions are unprecedented...

For somebody who's just been un-presidented.
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Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.
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Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...
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Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"
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A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...
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Judge: "How do you explain your actions?"

"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"
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Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...
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I've never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities

Can't believe my parents raised me this way.
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BBC News: “The Pope calls for ‘action’ on sexual abuse.”

Right after calling “Lights, camera...”

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.
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Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do
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Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...
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What do action heroes do when they die?

They drop kick the bucket.
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They say the Principle of Least Action is the most fundamental thing in physics.

But when I tried it, I flunked my physics class.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law
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Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...
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Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off
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An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...
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What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.
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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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What did the single action revolver say to the double action one ?

Don't get too cocky

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...
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A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...
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The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.

The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.

The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
...

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When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as when you do the action.

The same is true for the words "explosive diherrea"

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying
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Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.
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3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week

Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week

Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

I hate action figures with no feet

I just can't stand them.
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What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey
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Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents
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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....
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Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"
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President Trump should go on Sesame Street to explain his actions.

It’s important in times of crisis to hold politicians to account
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What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull
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