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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

I'm organizing a class action lawsuit against Huggies and Pampers.

Their diapers never hold the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off h...

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If actions speak louder than words...

...then deaf people need to keep the fucking noise down

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

Pollution will make our air too toxic to breathe if our governments don't take action soon

But I'm not holding my breath

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There was a new guy in town looking for some action...

He meets a guy at a new job and asks him where he can find a lady of the night. The friend tells the new guy he can find one downtown and she only costs 25 bucks!

The guy doesnt have much money at the time so he asks his friend for some. The friend says "Well, i cant loan you any money, but I...

Why do r/Jokes reposters never face negative repercussions for their actions?

Because they have good Karma.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

A guy changes a lamp; he's a man of action

A dude holds a prism in front of that lit lamp; a man of refraction

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

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Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it ...

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3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week

Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week

Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ...

A young couple gets married

A young couple gets married. Very quickly, the wife decides that children would be a blessing. The man nervously agrees.

For weeks they try to have a baby, making love almost every night. The man always seems on edge after each attempt and his wife gets suspicious. She suspects he is cheating...

If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....

would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

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Batman, but it’s a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

I was told that my actions could have grim repercussions.

I though ' isn't that what Death sits on?'

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

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What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car?

A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

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A panda walks into a bar and he asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The pa...

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What did the single action revolver say to the double action one ?

Don't get too cocky

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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

If spaghetti made an action movie, what would it be called?

Mission: Impastable!

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I just opened an action figure factory

It’s a pretty small operation right now, just me and my buddy Frank and we’re only making one kind of Dracula action figure. We really need to get things off the ground so I have to make every second Count.

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

Liam Neeson doesn't want to do action movies anymore.

Taken: A Break

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A man is in a bar when he asks the bartender where to get some action...

A man is sitting in a bar when he asks the bartender where he can get some action around here.

"Well if you go down the alley behind the laundromat there's a hooker who will blow you for 15 bucks."

The man thanks the bartender and runs out of the bar and down the dark alley to find th...

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

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An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra

An old man tells his wife he is going to the pharmacy to buy some viagra , telling her “I want some action tonight”

His wife tells him she wants to go to the pharmacy with him, saying “Well if you’re going to the pharmacy, I might as well go with you and get a tetanus shot”

The old ma...

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

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Guy gets called in for an interview...

... as he enters the manager's office, he doesn't say a word, nor does he sit down, and stares straight into the eyes of the manager. Then, without warning, and with one huge sweep of his arm, he knocks all the shit off the managers desk, papers, monitor, pen holder, etc. The manager, completely d...

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Peters first date with Stacey was going well.

As they sat in Peters car on a remote country road,Stacey made an announcement

"I'm actually a prostitute,and if you want any action it will cost you $50.00."

"Well," Peter shot back.

"I'm actually a cab driver,and if you want a ride back to your house it will cost you $100.00."

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

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Little Johnny had a foul mouth

His mother was at the end of her wit. Not knowing what to do, she went to the local Church to counsel with the Priest.

"Father, my little boy is a darling but he has a wicked habit of saying nasty words. I don't know where he learnt them but he says things that would make a sailor blush! What...

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The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure

Is that my dick comes without any warning.

A man and his wife walk into a tile and flooring store.

They both go to the front desk, the wife following behind her husband while looking extremely distraught. “How can I help you?” The contractor asked

“I came in to see if I could get some new counter tops.” Says the man who tugs his wife closer to the desk with a stern look on his face.
<...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

I was furious when my wife kept producing eggs

But looking back it was clearly an ovary action

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.

I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah’s Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.

Why would someone make an open-world, action-adventure game dealing with the Caribbean drug trade?

Just 'cause.

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A husband wakes his wife up on a Saturday morning....NSFW

The wife asks the husband "morning hun, what should we do today?"

Husband says "I'd like to go hunting"

Wife: "I don't want to go hunting today! That's boring"

Husband: "Well then if I can't go hunting then I'd at least like to get some action. Lets try something new. I want t...

Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

A Doberman, German Shepherd, and Cat are sitting before God in the judgement hall

God looks at the Doberman and asks "Doberman, what did you believe in?"

The Doberman replies "I believed in being faithful and loyal to my master until the day I died."

God answers "Very well. You may come sit to my left side. Shepherd, what did you believe in?"

The Shepherd say...

Ladies- if you realize you’re angry because of your period, ....

would that be considered an ovary-action?

Wedding ring got some action

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Did you hear Donald Trump was in a fantasy action movie?

He was the White Power ranger

My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

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A condom company hosts a fitting at a local grocery store...

and a hot blonde is there to measure penises and tell the guy what size he needs. One guy walks up and she says “Drop your pants.” She measures him and says “You need size extra large.” Another guy walks up, pulls down his pants and says, “You need size extra small.”

In the next aisle over, a...

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