The 101+ Best Action Jokes

A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies.....

A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.

“Ok...

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

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Action

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. Th...

(DnD, Spoken) What do you get if a couple of monks in a row, all hold their attack action?

A delayed punchline

Works better if you say it and then just wait a minute before saying the answer, just wanted to share it here, feel free to give thougths on improvements.

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies forever.

You know what they say about old habits.

Tom Cruise is filming a new romantic-action movie in support of body positivity. Both him and the lead actress gained 300lbs for the role.

The movie is called: Missionary Impossible.

Which popular action figure has a farm?

GI GI Joe

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

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Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it ...

How much action does a priest get?

Nun

Why did Justin Trudeau finally take action on the housing shortage?

He started shopping for an apartment.

Stallone thought of creating an action movie about composers.

Stallone: I'll play Beethoven

Van Damme: I'll be Mozart

Schwarzenegger: Shut up! I'll not say it.

Got a text message today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my laundry, that'll keep her busy.

I've never been really good at owning up to my actions and responsibilities

Can't believe my parents raised me this way.

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When you say the word "poop" your mouth makes the same shape as when you do the action.

The same is true for the words "explosive diherrea"

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

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They say the Principle of Least Action is the most fundamental thing in physics.

But when I tried it, I flunked my physics class.

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Action Composers

All the action heroes are at Stalone's house when their phones all go off. Their agents give them news about a new action movie focused on the great composers. After the call they are all talking about who they would like to play.

Stalone: I'm not going to be in it if I can't be Mozart....

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Action News Update

And in other news...the sexual position formerly known as 69 will be changed to 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up....

It was going to be a long road trip. I popped on my headphones, pulled up a movie on my phone, and got lost in the action as the car headed down the highway.

The passengers probably wished that I'd waited until I wasn't driving to do that.

What's the action like at a circus?

In-tents.

Three action movie actors decided to do a movie about classical composers...

Bruce Willis said, "I'll be Beethovan"

Sylvester Stallone replied, "I'll be Mozart"

Arnold Schwarzenegger chimed in, "I'll be Bach"

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

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While watching an action movie I took a fatal dose of Viagra at Christmas

#Diehard

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BBC News: “The Pope calls for ‘action’ on sexual abuse.”

Right after calling “Lights, camera...”

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A man is out of town on a business trip, and he decides to go looking for some action.

He finds and enters a bar, and is pleased to find that there are several good-looking women inside. Not just good-looking, actually, but beautiful, and all dressed to the nines in sexy outfits, made up to look their prettiest. It's what the Army calls a "target-rich environment". The only problem is...

I invested all my money in a sylvester stallone action figure

my finances are a little rocky.

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

Donald Trumps recent actions are unprecedented...

For somebody who's just been un-presidented.

Judge: "How do you explain your actions?"

"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"

My workplace practices Affirmative Action

I've had to overcome a lot of diversity to get where I am today.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

What do you call a shellfish Action movie star?

Jean Claude Van Clam.

Hey vegans, I saw your advocacy and I felt like I really needed to make an action myself

So I killed the cows. There you go, nobody's gonna eat your food anymore

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ...

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

What do action heroes do when they die?

They drop kick the bucket.

Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.

At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.

One asks, "...

If Caitlyn Jenner were an action figure....

would she be an X-Man or a Transformer?

If you're nice to me, I'll sell you an action camera for really cheap.

It's a Quid GoPro.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

Trump is missing in action since the election, where is he?

Shredding documents

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

I watched a Liam Neeson action movie that had the unrealistic parts deleted.

It was Taken seriously.

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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George Washington and his men are looking for a place to stay one night after a long fight against the British...

After marching through the woods for some hours, they find a farm. Washington knocks on the door and the farmer answers. Washington says "excuse me sir, I'm sorry to bother you. My men and I have been fighting the British all day, and are very tired. Can you put us up for the night?" The farmer look...

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3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week

Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week

Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

President Trump should go on Sesame Street to explain his actions.

It’s important in times of crisis to hold politicians to account

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

I hate action figures with no feet

I just can't stand them.

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A man walks into a brothel

A man walks into a brothel one day and says to the woman: “I’m here to enjoy an evening with a young woman. Is this a fine establishment?”

The woman replies “oh absolutely! This is the finest establishment that you’ll find within a 300 mile radius!”

The man states “great! I have a 12 i...

Why can’t stars in action movies have children?

Because they only shoot blanks.

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

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There was a new guy in town looking for some action...

He meets a guy at a new job and asks him where he can find a lady of the night. The friend tells the new guy he can find one downtown and she only costs 25 bucks!

The guy doesnt have much money at the time so he asks his friend for some. The friend says "Well, i cant loan you any money, but I...

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

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Batman, but it’s a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares her...

Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

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A panda walks into a bar and he asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The pa...

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The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure

Is that my dick comes without any warning.

Bob left work Jokes ;)

Bob left work one Friday evening.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.

When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours...

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A man is in a bar when he asks the bartender where to get some action...

A man is sitting in a bar when he asks the bartender where he can get some action around here.

"Well if you go down the alley behind the laundromat there's a hooker who will blow you for 15 bucks."

The man thanks the bartender and runs out of the bar and down the dark alley to find th...

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

I just bought a life size Avengers action figure for only 50 bucks!

Only problem is it was Ant Man...

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

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What did the single action revolver say to the double action one ?

Don't get too cocky

I just opened an action figure factory

It’s a pretty small operation right now, just me and my buddy Frank and we’re only making one kind of Dracula action figure. We really need to get things off the ground so I have to make every second Count.

Why don't baseball players get much action?

Because they have foul balls.

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