This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

People are getting angry about an actor practicing cannibalism on a female actress during the production of an action movie set in ancient Rome.

Personally, I'm gladiator.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it ...

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

A young couple gets married

A young couple gets married. Very quickly, the wife decides that children would be a blessing. The man nervously agrees.

For weeks they try to have a baby, making love almost every night. The man always seems on edge after each attempt and his wife gets suspicious. She suspects he is cheating...

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week

Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week

Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

The Jones didn't have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, honey. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to....."

"Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"You have?" the photographer asked....

I was told that my actions could have grim repercussions.

I though ' isn't that what Death sits on?'

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because we shoot the ones who go to school.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Batman, but it’s a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ...

A bunch of 80s action stars dressed up as Skid Row for Halloween but they couldn't figure out who would be the lead singer.

But Arnold Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did the single action revolver say to the double action one ?

Don't get too cocky

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a green-skinned, pointy-eared Star Wars action figure driving a Japanese car?

A toy Yoda driving a Toyota.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"

I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

What do you call a Christmas tree that only appears in action movies?

Spruce Willis.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A panda walks into a bar and he asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves. The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute." The pa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is in a bar when he asks the bartender where to get some action...

A man is sitting in a bar when he asks the bartender where he can get some action around here.

"Well if you go down the alley behind the laundromat there's a hooker who will blow you for 15 bucks."

The man thanks the bartender and runs out of the bar and down the dark alley to find th...

I often hear of aircraft been taken out of action by bird strikes.

What I want to know is, what does their union even want?

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam...

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

I wish I had started a squib company before the rise of action films happened

I'd have made a bloody fortune!

Why does Bruce Willis keep making action movies?

Because his old habits, die hard.

Liam Neeson doesn't want to do action movies anymore.

Taken: A Break

I just opened an action figure factory

It’s a pretty small operation right now, just me and my buddy Frank and we’re only making one kind of Dracula action figure. We really need to get things off the ground so I have to make every second Count.

If I Had a [currency] For Every [action],

I would do more of [action].

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

I saw justice in action today for the first time ever.

I went out for breakfast this morning with my girlfriend, saw a Jehovah’s Witness lock himself out of his own house. Kept ringing the bell.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The only difference between my dick and a tiny action figure

Is that my dick comes without any warning.

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

Why would someone make an open-world, action-adventure game dealing with the Caribbean drug trade?

Just 'cause.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife

and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday a...

I honestly think girls need to stop acting like their periods are the worst things in the world

It's really just a bit of an ovary action, don't you think?

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: Guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey by the barkeep

"Hey keep I'll have what's on tap, and what's with the monkey"

"Watch this." The bartender then holds up one finger and the monkey jumps in to action. He gets a mug, fills it with the tap beer and gives it to the man.

"Holy cow" the man says, "That's amazing does he do any other tricks...

Hi Steve

This is Peter next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you kn...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny

One day Superman was feeling a bit horny. So, he began to
ask his super hero friends for ideas on where he could get
a bit of action. "Hey Batman! Who's good in the sack?"

"Well Superman, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best
sex in comicland. Why don't you try her?", replied B...

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express.

A businessman rushed into the train station just in time to catch the Brisbane to Rockhampton Express. On taking his seat he asked the conductor what time the train reached Gladstone.

 

"There's no stop in Gladstone on Wednesdays," replied the conductor.

"What!" Exclaim...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

Did you know they are making an action movie about the great composers?

Arnold Schwarzeneggar says he'll be Bach.

My friend said "Women directors have never had major success with a live action film"

So I said, "Nonsense! Just look at the Matrix trilogy."

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

Mom and daughter action

A guy saw a lady at a bar. She was definitely attractive, but he could tell she was a little older, orthopedic shoes, wrinkles creeping up around the mouth and eyes. But after a few drinks these things faded away and he went and talked to her.

After a few drinks together they decided to head ...

Did you hear that they're producing an action movie about a team of crime-fighting composers?

They already approached Arnold Schwarzenegger about playing fellow Austrian Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, but he said "no, I'll be Bach!"

One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

Wedding ring got some action

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I...

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.." - Newton's Law

"Shredded cabbage and carrot make a great salad." - Cole's Law

A platoon sets up their new HQ in a small village...

The war is going well and the entire platoon can eat whatever they please since they have access to farms, meat houses and bakeries.

One day the entire platoon sets out on an expedition to the next city to intercept an enemy convoy, but one soldier is at the bakery and decides to have a snack...

For every Trump action...

There is a relevant Trump old tweet reaction.

Did you hear Donald Trump was in a fantasy action movie?

He was the White Power ranger

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work.

A miner comes down from the mountains after a couple weeks of work. He walks into the town saloon and orders a whiskey. The bartender serves him. After he finishes his whiskey, he asks the bartender,

“Say, is there anywhere around here a guy can get some action? I’ve been in the mine and I ha...

Making 6 figures a year sounds like a dream come true...

Unless you work for an action figure manufacturing company. Then it sounds like a quick way to the unemployment line.

As told by my Russian wife

A man is at a bar. He sees a good looking woman, but she's a little older. Maybe in her 40s. He goes up to her and starts a conversation.

​

Halfway through she seems interested and asks an interesting question. She asks how he feels about a little mother-daughter action.
...

A man is in hospital, in need of a heart transplant

However, the decision weighs on his mind as he knows he has lived most of his life and thinks that there may be others who need the heart more than him.

Soon, night has fell but he still has not made a definite decision on whether or not he should take the heart, and still without an answer h...

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I began work at the Post Office recently

I found the work very mundane, so to the pass the time I would open letters that came through, read the letters, and pass them on to the correct delivery driver. After a while I began to notice something odd. Some letters would come in, with the exact same envelope, exact same address and the lette...

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Welcome to the jungle

An Englishman, Frenchman, and a New Yorker all decide to go on an adventure through the amazon rainforest.

While they are traveling down the river, the men all get lost. They then come together to decide the best course of action. They decide to go to the shore in order to gain their bearing...

A pregnant woman visits the doctor...

A nine-month pregnant woman goes to the doctor for her check-up. The doctor asks her how she feels.

"I am doing fine doctor, just waiting on my little bundle of joy. How much longer must I wait?"

"You're not ready yet. Come see me in two days and we'll see where you are."

Two d...

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

Sperm Bank Robbery

It was a normal day at the local sperm bank, when all of a sudden, a man bursts in with a mask a and a handgun and yells "EVERYONE! ON THE GROUND!"

Once every person in the facility is lying down, he walks over to the refrigerator area for very-recent donations, then turns around, facing the ...

A man bought a parrot but it had a bad attitude and a fowl vocabulary...

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its dirty language but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer doo...

What do you call the action where a dead guy falls out of a car and you have to put him back in?

A rehearsal