Judge: "How do you explain your actions?"

"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Where are the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back

How has there not been a class action lawsuit against the major diaper companies?

Those things have never held the 22-37 pounds they advertise.

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

President Trump should go on Sesame Street to explain his actions.

It’s important in times of crisis to hold politicians to account

I watched a Liam Neeson action movie that had the unrealistic parts deleted.

It was Taken seriously.

True story but funny.

While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity.



I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it... tax dollars in ac...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?

Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.

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After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action

He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happe...

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Halloween party

A young couple were invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him the...

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger

are talking to each other about their long careers as action heroes. Sly says, "You did some okay comedy, but you have the governorship and political success to be proud of."

Arnold says, "You've had so much recognition in Hollywood. I've never been nominated for an Oscar, you have have been ...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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What’s the most popular Star Wars action figure in Japan?

Toy-Yoda.

I hate action figures with no feet

I just can't stand them.

Hey vegans, I saw your advocacy and I felt like I really needed to make an action myself

So I killed the cows. There you go, nobody's gonna eat your food anymore

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

Why can’t stars in action movies have children?

Because they only shoot blanks.

How much would you pay to watch James Bond's secretary and Bruce Wayne's Butler team up for a Spy Action Thriller?

However much, you can bet you'd get your MoneysWorth.

The tale of the blond horse back rider.

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior
experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terr...

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

At one point, a brother cell and sister cell were together as one being

They fought a lot and it was usually the sister cell who started it and the brother cell was very impatient.

One day the brother cell was very angry. He was very irritable. He was ready to take some drastic actions if anything tipped him over the edge.

The sister cell, noticing his v...

Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies

Because you know what they say about old habits.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

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NSFW - Sammy the journeyman NFL player

Sammy was your less than average NFL player. He always managed to land on a roster, but in 13 years had never felt the glory of playing on Sunday. Every game he'd put on his gear, smear his cheeks with eye-black, don his helmet and rush onto the field with his teammates. But play after play, game...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

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A man walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is shocked when the man removes his ...

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

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Did you ever learn about how the WWII Kamikaze pilots were chosen?

The bombing of Pear Harbor had been planned out a year in advance.

Until Japan put the plan into action they held studies on their pilots and soldiers

After some psychological tests they found the troops that were suicidal and were hoping being in war would get them killed

And ...

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Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

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A father got called into his sons school.

He enters the principles office, and takes a seat across the desk. The principle says to the dad, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to inform you about your sons actions today in class. Your son was caught blowing bubbles today in class.”
The father kind of sinks down into his seat. But then he real...

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

A nun was brought to the hospital in agony

Her sisters said they had found her writhing in pain on the floor clutching her crotch naked. She was supposedly getting dressed. The young nun was sedated and given morphine but refused to talk about what happened. Finally the mother superior was brought in and given privacy with the girl to ext...

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, ...

Abbot and Costello meet the Corona Virus

The World Health Organization says Corona is officially a pandemic.

Who says that?

Yes. 

Who said it's a pandemic?

That's right! They also said don't touch anyone.

Who? 

Anyone! 

I'm asking, WHO said don't touch anyone? 

Absolutely. And...

Three action movie stars are sitting in a bar

So, Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar, and Sylvester Stallone is like: "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says: "Don't you have any ...

Boudreaux the Baptist

Boudreaux was a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana who was born and raised a Baptist . Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak.

Now, as a point of interest, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic and as such were for...

Have you heard about the incel action figure?

It comes in a sock instead of a box.

Due to the coronavirus, there has been a shortage of pasta in shops.

The government is urging the public not to panic buy based on the actions of a fusilli individuals.

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3 friends are arguing over who gets more "action"

Friend 1: I fucked almost 20 women last week

Friend 2: I fucked almost 60 women last week

Friend 3: I fucked all the Redditors expecting a punchline here

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Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately...

Heaven’s been getting pretty packed lately, so God came up with a solution to this. Everyone who died and goes to heaven must first get an interview with an angel, who would decide if their death was noble or not. If it was, they would be let inside, otherwise they would be sent to purgatory.
...

Class can you give me an example of the word contagious?

Sally 'My friend had a cold and my mum said to keep a distance because the cold is contagious.

Teacher: very good!

Ben: when I yawn it causes people around me to yawn as well, it's a contagious action.

Teacher: nice one, creative as well.

Johnny: I was with my dad and ...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

What do you call an LGBTQ person who doesn’t take action?

A Bi-stander.

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If actions speak louder than words...

...then deaf people need to keep the fucking noise down

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

Fred's honeymoon

Frederico's Honeymoon - Fred for the intimate!

At the age of 82, Frederico married Ana, 27, who, in consideration of her elderly husband, decides that they should sleep in separate rooms.

After the wedding party is over, everyone goes to their room.

Ana prepares to go to bed, wh...

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A guy and a girl are on their third date.

They haven't done anything more than kissing and the guy was getting a little bit desperate for action. So after a movie and some food he suggest they take a drive up the mountain to get a view of the city. (and some privacy before taking her home). Up there in the car they start kissing. He makes a...

A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a ...

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There was a new guy in town looking for some action...

He meets a guy at a new job and asks him where he can find a lady of the night. The friend tells the new guy he can find one downtown and she only costs 25 bucks!

The guy doesnt have much money at the time so he asks his friend for some. The friend says "Well, i cant loan you any money, but I...

A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every...

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So my wife was curious about...

My wife was curious about what it looks like when a guy masturbates. She asked me to do it in front of her, so I did. She stuck her face right in front of the action in careful observation. The night turned sour, however, as she didn't like the out-cum.

The Biker and the Lion

A Harley Biker is sitting on his Harley, drinking a beer, by the Zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
<...

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

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Mother daughter action.

A man in his 20's and a few of his friend were at a bar for drinks when a lady in her mid to late 40's started to buy him drinks. Throughout the coarse of the night she kept insisting he go back to her place just around the corner. The man was reluctant but his friends were encouraging him to do it ...

Bad wifi is like a partial decapitation

Connected, but not able to perform many vital actions.

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NO SEX SINCE 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a ...

What do you call a pregnant woman getting mad for no reason?

Ovary-action.

Human organs are the opposite of old action figures

People pay a lot more for them once you take them out to the original packaging

New Zealand Humor

(Stolen unashamedly from a comment on Quora)

Some years ago the Pope was visiting New Zealand as part of a world tour.

On a day when he had a few hours to spare he asked if he could be shown one of the famous beaches of New Zealand, so his hosts took him to a beautiful, secluded beach ...

Why did Aristotle believe men could mold themselves through their actions like clay?

His teacher was Plato.

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A panda walks into a bar...

He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house.

"You owe me money," she ...

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hoo...

What is the difference between a Star Wars action-figure collector who smokes e-cigarettes and a Catholic Priest?

One is a toy-loving vapist, and the other...

Once there were three kingdoms

So once there were 3 kingdoms, each controlled an equal share of land with a small island on a lake at the centre of them. Always there was fighting over who would control the island, as it was a veritable paradise and each King wanted it for himself as a place to relax away from royal life.

...

A man goes to a carnival advertising the three greatest samurai on earth...

He joins the expectant crowd eager to get their money's worth.

"The third greatest samurai" comes the announcement. The samurai steps up. A box is opened and a fly buzzes out. He draws his sword, there's a flash of light, and the fly falls in two equal halves. The crowd cheers.

"The s...

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

I've written a script for a film about an action hero who works in accounts.

The sequel going to be set in a different department.

This time it's personnel.

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Bill had finally had it with his wife...

During a poker game one night, Bill, about four beers deep, tells his buddies that he’s had it with his wife and has decided to hire someone to kill her for $1,000

The other guys laugh, assuming that he’s joking, and Larry says “Shit, my buddy Artie just got out of prison and he’s the meanest...

The Boston Zoo had a large problem.

The Boston Zoo had a very large problem. Their most popular attraction, a gorilla named Jamie, had died unexpectedly in the night. Ticket sales were projected to plummet if this gorilla couldn’t be seen, so the zoo manager decided to hire a man to dress up in a gorilla costume and pretend to be Jami...

Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action

I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

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A new member of a big game hunting club shows up to a the welcoming ceremony

The young member wants to hear some great hunting stories so he finds the oldest man at the ceremony and says "Sir, I know you have some great hunting stories, tell me your best one."

The old man is happy to share his experiences with the young member. He starts out by saying "it was 1947, me...

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NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:

**NOTICE IS HEREBY GIVEN:**

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a full Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider wheth...

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

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A guy starts choking on his food in a restaurant.

A doctor sees the man choking and springs into action. He runs across the restaurant, pulls the man out of his chair, pulls the man's pants down, and licks his butt. The man coughs hard, and the food is dislodged from his throat.

Grateful, he turns to doctor and says, "Thank God you knew the ...

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsib...

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A girl promised to have sex with me if I would advertise bathroom cleaner on r/jokes

I refused of course because my moral principles are extremely strong.

Just as strong as new Cif multi-action cleaner in the 750ml spray bottle, now available in Original, Lemon Fresh or Forest Pine!

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

Question: Would you know what actions to take if someone had an epileptic fit in the bath?

"Throw the Laundry in"..

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Batman, but it’s a Japanese action film

Mighty Orphan Power Ranger

If I Had a [currency] For Every [action],

I would do more of [action].

Did you hear the woman screaming while the gynecologist was probing her?

She had an ovary action.

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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

This guy gets a parrot but it's got a bad attitude and fowl (pun intended) vocabulary

He tries everything to change the bird's attitude and clean up its talk but nothing works. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he puts the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he hears the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all is quiet. He opens the freezer door. The par...

She swallowed a condom

Phone rings:
\- Doctor, doctor, you must come at once. My girlfriend swallowed a condom.

Thinking she might be choking, the doctor sprang into action, ready to jump in his car when the phone rang a second time.

\- It's me again. You don't need to come. We found another one.

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Forest Man

A lowly farmer was farming and minding his own business when a worried neighbour came by to give him a warning.

"There has been a wild Forest Man seen in the forest. He has little beady red eyes, and hair all over. Be careful, he might be dangerous"

The farmer shrugged and continued w...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

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Jim and bob are working

Jim and bob are working for the same big international company. They get underpaid and the workload is huge. At some point during the friday lunch Jim just has enough and goes "That's it! I'm going to quit and I'll show them who's boss."

He stands up and like a mad bull rages towards the CEO ...

Why did the pancake get arrested?

It had committed multiple unwaffle actions.

I was told that my actions could have grim repercussions.

I though ' isn't that what Death sits on?'

Any action taken to get a split up music group to patch things up...

Is a Band-Aid.

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