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Soccer Player Jokes

LPT: If you are planning to settle down, don’t date a soccer player.

There’s only a 1/11 chance they are a keeper.

Why did the tiny soccer player take a shower?

He was a little Messi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beavis & Butt-Head would be great soccer players

Watching them fail to score is actually amusing.

Who is Homer Simpson's favorite soccer player?

Ronal-D'oh!

My dad and I were invited for dinner at the house of the soccer player Hope Solo.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Why did Shakira marry a soccer player

For his stamina mina eh eh!

Why would Jesus Christ be a great soccer player?

He really knows how to nail a cross...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

Two German soccer players go to a sperm bank..

The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"

This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previou...

Why are soccer players so artistic?

Because every game ends in a DRAW

What’s the difference between Basketball players and Soccer players?

Basketball players get actual injuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are soccer players shit at origami?

Because they can't use their hands

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Why soccer players don't play Uno?

Because ​​they don't like to get red cards.

What did the Soccer players day when the owl died on the field?

F-owl

Why do you never see any Asian soccer players?

Because when they get a corner they build a shop.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

What is a soccer player's favorite drink?

Sham-pain.

What do Greek soccer players wear?

Soccer tee's

What's a Muslim soccer player's favorite way to move the ball?

A. Kicking. B. Heading. C. Kneeing?

A man and his blond wife were watching the news when a story came on about a plane crash.

The news anchor said that six Brazilian soccer players were on the plane and none of them survived. The wife started crying uncontrollably. The man was very concerned and asked his wife why she was so upset. She replied, "I don't know how many a brazillion is, but it sure sounds like a lot!"

My friend has a weird quirk: he gets explosive diarrhea and just can't contain himself when he sees a certain soccer player...

And boy, it's Messi.

Employee comes back from a business trip to Brazil

Boss: How was your trip?

Employee: It was fine but I don’t like Brazil. The whole country is nothing but soccer players and hookers.

Boss: You do know that my wife is Brazilian, right?

Employee (flushing): Oh really? Which team does she play for?

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

A guy came to three guys and told them he is God. They demanded a proof.

Guy claiming to be God: “I can make you turn into whatever you want without you even saying it”

First guy turns to a soccer player, and the street turns to a soccer field with lots of players. Then suddenly he is badly injured by the third guy.

They are suddenly dropped back to the s...

which brain?

one day, a patient wanted a new brain.

the doctor asked, "which brain would you like? there is a soccer player's brain for $100k, a lawyer's brain for $75k, and a doctors brain for $50k."

the patient replied, "why is the soccer player's brain so expensive?"

the doctor said, *"b...

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise...

Satan and St. Peter decided to hold a soccer game in paradise. It was to be hell versus heaven.

When everything had been arranged, St. Peter said to Satan, "Look, I can't be dishonest with you. There is no way that your side can win. All soccer players are simple, pure people and when they di...

What's green and yellow and can't fly?

Brazilian soccer players.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just took an acting class....

Now I'm qualified to be a soccer player

A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview

The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.

The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”

The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.

The second interviewer asks, “When did the p...

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