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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

What's a cows favorite activity?

Watching moovies.

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest rate of depression and extramarital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

What was High King Arther’s favorite activity?

Hiking

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

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What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

does it **HAVE** to be a group activity?

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

A vegan club is the worst place for social activity.

It's impossible to meat people there.

Last night I went to a group activity called Fight Club...

I arrived late so I didn't hear the rules, but I enjoyed it anyway.

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Panda and the Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity?

Digging for booty.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

A little girl lived next to a Firehouse.

Inspired by the activity when the firemen would respond to an emergency, she decided she wanted to be just like them.She took her little red wagon and rolled up a garden hose and stuck it to the wagon.Then she fixated a crude,makeshift ladder.Finally she grabbed a rope,tied one end to the front of h...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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A man visits the doctor for a checkup.

"Your vitals look fine," he said. "But it looks like your sperm count is a bit low. Have you felt any changes in sexual desire or had difficulty in bed?"

"Now that you mention it, the last few times I've had an orgasm, I've felt like my entire testicle was being sucked through my dick!"
...

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Hi, my name is Rico the Rooster, and I’m a sex addict.

Over the course of 12 months, Farmer Ted saved every penny that he could to purchase the prize winning rooster known as Rico. Little did he know, Rico the rooster was a sexy addict. Farmer Ted returned home from the prize winning rooster auction and began to introduce his farm animals to Rico, as so...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

What is a least favourite letter of a pirate?

Dear sir, we have record of your illegal downloading activity.

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!



As the two people from different regi...

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute...

Without a sound he gets up, makes his way to the door and begins to open it when the prostitute wakes up and sees him.

"Hey, where do you think youre going?" the prostitute asks? She pulls out a dictionary and shows him the definition of prostitute. It says, "a person, in particular a woman,...

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

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Emergency Landing

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.


The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ...

A dentist is watching The News

The news: flosing was the #1 activity of last year

*detnists searches up flossing on the web*

Dentist: SON OF A B**** 😡

What are two ghosts up to when they play together?

Pair of normal activity

Happy Halloween

4D movies were getting great reviews for a while.

First, you could get sprayed with water during Life of Pi. Then, your seat would shake during Paranormal Activity.

Sadly, 4D didn't work so well with The Dark Knight Rises.

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

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My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tr...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

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