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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

What's a cows favorite activity?

Watching moovies.

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

Did you know Nebraska has the highest rate of depression and extramarital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

What was High King Arther’s favorite activity?

Hiking

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The little girl’s favorite activity was to play with her white teddy bear in her parents’ closet.

But her mother was really annoyed with this situation because she was having an affair with another man after her husband left.

One day, she let her boyfriend in to the bedroom without checking if the girl was there again. Unexpectedly, the husband arrived form work and she hid her boyfriend...

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of ...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

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What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

Criminal activity report

I read this morning that someone pick pocketed a midget. How could someone stoop so low?

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

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Three men were exchanging stories about their sexual activity with their wives.

The first man says: "I remember how the first night of my marriage went wrong. After the wedding, I went to bed where my wife was waiting for me. I had had a little too much to drink and was kind of fuzzy.
so after sex, out of habit, I handed her $50. That's when she slapped me and called me a w...

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

A vegan club is the worst place for social activity.

It's impossible to meat people there.

Last night I went to a group activity called Fight Club...

I arrived late so I didn't hear the rules, but I enjoyed it anyway.

What is a least favourite letter of a pirate?

Dear sir, we have record of your illegal downloading activity.

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

Due to the rise of suspicious clown activity, Party City has removed all associated costumes from its' shelves...

... Clinton and Trump are furious.

A northern man goes on a date with a southern woman during his vacation to the south.

Southerner: What do you and your friends do in your free time?

Northerner: We love to play the well known game called Club Penguin. Our favorite activity is to spend hours together on the iceberg.

Southerner: I play Club Penguin too!

​

As the two people from di...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

What's an activity 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape

What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity?

Digging for booty.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?

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A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

A kindergarden class is having a tasting activity.

The teacher blindfolds all of the kids and tells them she is going to give them something to taste and they have to try and guess what it is.

She hands each of them a cup of grape juice and they all agree that it tastes like grape....

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A koala wakes up next to a prostitute...

Without a sound he gets up, makes his way to the door and begins to open it when the prostitute wakes up and sees him.

"Hey, where do you think youre going?" the prostitute asks? She pulls out a dictionary and shows him the definition of prostitute. It says, "a person, in particular a woman,...

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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definiti...

There was a lad named John

There was a lad named John who was dealt a bad hand since he was born. He was an orphan who was brought up in a for profit orphanage, leading him to suffer mental trauma amongst other issues. After turning 16, he was kicked out of the orphanage with no support whatsoever. Not knowing what to do, he ...

Will you marry me...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the mea...

A dentist is watching The News

The news: flosing was the #1 activity of last year

*detnists searches up flossing on the web*

Dentist: SON OF A B**** 😡

What are two ghosts up to when they play together?

Pair of normal activity

Happy Halloween

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Gay pirate ship

What's the crew's favorite activity on a gay Pirate Ship? Splittin' all the booty!

4D movies were getting great reviews for a while.

First, you could get sprayed with water during Life of Pi. Then, your seat would shake during Paranormal Activity.

Sadly, 4D didn't work so well with The Dark Knight Rises.

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Smart diagnosis machine

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Kevin says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample ...

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Emergency Landing

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.


The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her - You tell the Americans this is an ...

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My Bike

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tr...

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Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

After someone pointed it out to her, my mother asked me to explain the difference between the District of Columbia and the country Colombia.

So explained to her that one of them is famous for it's drugs, corruption and blatant criminal activity, while the other historicly lost to England on penalties in this years world cup.

A group of people are touring an old, 16th-century castle one day.

The tour guide seems to be doing a great job, explaining things in detail, when one of the tourists asks a question.

​

"I heard from a friend that this castle was haunted! Is that true?"

​

The tour guide, without hesitation, says "Oh no, I've been he...

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Bear Alert!

Montana Grizzly Bear Notice:

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field. We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little...

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Check up at the doctors

A 70 year old woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more activity & recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, "Please, tell to my husband".
The doctor goes out in the waiting room & tells the husband that his wife needs to ha...

Breaking bread with your middle-eastern friends...

Is a naan-secular activity everyone can enjoy.

Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

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A man and his wife are in a car accident.

The man is saved by the airbag, but the woman hits her head on the windshield and falls into a coma.

The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "pr...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.

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One sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome

On one sultry Sunday afternoon in Rome, there was a beautiful young nun walking back home after the service in the church. The priest who was driving back home in his wagon spots the poor nun walking home in the sweltering heat. Being the gentleman that he was and a servant of the Lord, he stops by ...

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A Professor is preparing her class for the their final exam...

The professor has finished going over the material for the exam and turns to her class before releasing them.

Prof: "Alright guys, this is the big one, if you don't pass the exam you'll fail the class. Also, you must be on time. Short of a sudden family death or extreme spontaneous illness, y...

Why a man doesn't drink milk

A man was out in his garden one day, an activity he enjoys daily. He likes growing different plants like flowers and vegetables, and he's gotten very good at it. He recently learned that ants can aerate and help water travel through the soil, so he had recently placed a few colonies of ants througho...

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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

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Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
Thi...

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A man and his wife have a very peculiar relationship.

On the outside, Paul and Linda seem like an average American couple. However, behind closed doors, Paul is a hardcore submissive masochist, and his wife is a prude who detests any kind of sexual activity. The only way that Paul can get his wife to comply with his desires is to cook bacon. For some o...