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Activity Jokes

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp?

arts and grafts.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level

He described a typical day this way: 'Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksa...

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes

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My first time posting a joke here. I first heard this one as a teenager and I've been telling it for at least 35 years now. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have. It's a long one, so be ready.

There once was a young, newlywed couple who just arrived in their honeymoon suite after a wonderful day spent celebrating their union with family and friends. The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u...

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a young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day some builders arrived to put up a house on the lot

The family had a three year old daughter who naturally took some interest in all the activity going on next door.

She hung around on the margins, and eventually the builders adopted her as kind of a mascot. They chatted to her and gave her little pretend jobs to do.

At the end of the w...

My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub

So I've started smoking

A Farmer with a dog found a new activity group within LGBTQ community.

And BI NGO was it's name.

TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.

Going to the gun range is a pretty fun activity for its price

You get the most bang for your buck

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

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Little Johnny was participating in a class activity.

The teacher went around asking her students to use random words she gave them in a sentence.
Johnny was asked to use the word facinate in a sentence.
He scratched his head and wondered for a minute then said, "my mom bought me a shirt with 10 buttons but I could only facinate."

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The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "private area", a slight amount of brain activity on the monitor.

The senior nurse goes out to talk to the husband, "Mr. Smith, we have an unorthodox request for you. My staff has noticed that your wif...

All my friends know my second favorite activity is making bad jokes.

My favorite activity is making lists that start at two.

What was the favorite activity of olden day peasants?

Serfing.

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage

A cop was patrolling a neighborhood after receiving a call from dispatch about suspicious activity.

He stopped a man walking past and asked, "Seen anything unusual?"

"I saw a dolphin wearing a hat once," said the man.

"I meant around here," the cop said annoyed.

*"Nah man, they live in the water."*

What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.

Travel Guru

As a travel guru I have been in many places, but I've never been in Kahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Kahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you ha...

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

I have been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots.

Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends ...

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

What's Doom guy's favourite winter time activity?

Sleighing

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

What band was named after an oyster’s least favorite bedroom activity?

Pearl Jam

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

What do you call a fish who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject, or pastime?

An aficionado!

TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought

What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry

What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before

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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.

How many introverts does it take to change a lightbulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

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What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

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To Whom It May Concern

Mr. Jones, a 60-year old man has a heart attack while making love to his wife. Panicked, she calls 911. Paramedics arrive and take Mr. Jones to a hospital, where Dr. Goldman performs an emergency procedure to unblock Mr. Jones’ arteries.

Mr. Jones returns home from the hospital and, after a f...

I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

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A man tells his friends his elbow hurts...

He says that nothing he's tried has worked, so his friend suggests that go to the pharmacy.

"They got this new machine! When you pour in a urine sample and it'll tell you what's wrong and how to fix it!"

So, following his advice, he finds this machine and pours his urine sample in. Fi...

Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”

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A redneck visits his doctor for a checkup.

When she asks him about his sexual activity, he proudly replies: "Well, I fuck my horse daily." The doctor asks: "Oh my. Is it a mare or a stallion?" "Mare of course. Do you think I'm some kind of pervert?"

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

What was High King Arther’s favorite activity?

Hiking

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The priest leaving his Mission

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says t...

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.

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I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity?

Digging for booty.

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A 90 years old man goes to the doctor...

Doctor asks: "How are you?"

Old man: "Very good, I have new girlfriend! She is thirty years young!"

Doctor: "Uhm... Ok... But you know, any kind of sexual activity could be deadly!"

Old man: "That's a risk I am willing to take, would be a shame if she died, though!"

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