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Activity Jokes

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo
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TIFU by doing BDSM with my wife's sister, when she suddenly walked into our activity

Whoops, wrong sub.
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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.
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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

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During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:


"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake....

What is a plastic surgeon's favorite activity at summer camp?

arts and grafts.
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I was told that my high blood pressure made any sexual activity risky, so I asked my doctor.

After my physical, the doctor told me that I could masturbate anytime I wanted to.

His exact words were, "You could have a stroke at any time!"

Did you know Nebraska has the highest level of depression and extra-marital activity?

It's a sad state of affairs.

Credit: Paul Savage
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How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why must it be a group activity?
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Little Johnny was participating in a class activity.

The teacher went around asking her students to use random words she gave them in a sentence.
Johnny was asked to use the word facinate in a sentence.
He scratched his head and wondered for a minute then said, "my mom bought me a shirt with 10 buttons but I could only facinate."

A Farmer with a dog found a new activity group within LGBTQ community.

And BI NGO was it's name.
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The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)
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What's Doom guy's favourite winter time activity?

Sleighing
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When I die, I want to be buried in an area with lots of seismic activity

Strictly for the good vibes
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What's a depressed teenagers favorite activity?

Making their wrist look like their jeans.
(I'm sorry)
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Panda and a Prostitute

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition ...

Going to the gun range is a pretty fun activity for its price

You get the most bang for your buck
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My doctor told me to take up an activity that gets me out of the pub

So I've started smoking
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What is a pansexual's guilty pleasure activity?

Washing the dishes.

My bank just called me about suspicious activity on my account.

They didn't believe I bought a gym membership.
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What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

All my friends know my second favorite activity is making bad jokes.

My favorite activity is making lists that start at two.
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What's a necrophilic pirate's favorite activity?

Digging for booty.
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What’s a seal’s favorite social activity?

Clubbing...

I’m so sorry
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What activity can reduce a person's chance of dying of cancer by 16.6%?

Russian Roulette.
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A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....
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TIL that a chemical in blueberries stimulates mental activity

Food for thought
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An Army officer was arrested completely nude, chasing a woman through a hotel lobby.

His lawyer was shrewd and got him freed on a technicality. Army regulations specifically state an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the activity in which he is engaged.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

Dear customer,

We are discontinuing your internet service due to suspicious activity/illegal downloading on your network.
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What activity is easier as it gets harder?

Pissing on the ceiling

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I wouldn't say pooping is my favorite activity.....

But it's a solid number two.

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What activity does the owl mafia participate in?

Drive by hootings.

A cop was patrolling a neighborhood after receiving a call from dispatch about suspicious activity.

He stopped a man walking past and asked, "Seen anything unusual?"

"I saw a dolphin wearing a hat once," said the man.

"I meant around here," the cop said annoyed.

*"Nah man, they live in the water."*
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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

I encountered some paranormal activity at the local airport.

My plane wasn't delayed.
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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the children's activity centre...

It's like they'd never seen a naked man before
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Did you know that a cyclops’ favorite winter activity is sking?

It’s like skiing, but with one “eye”
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What do you call a music group that has been participating in illegal activity online

The Black IPs

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Little girl lands position as construction boss.

**A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.**


**The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing ...

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"
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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

What do you call a fish who is very knowledgeable and enthusiastic about an activity, subject, or pastime?

An aficionado!
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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

A vegan club is the worst place for social activity.

It's impossible to meat people there.
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What is a zombie's favourite activity on a cruise ship?

Shuffleboard!
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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I'm trying to make out with my gf tonight without sucess. Any activity subjection?

Not movies.
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I took some pictures of a cop involved in criminal activity and brought them to the Washington Post.

Yes, Post. This officer right here.
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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

My colleagues wanted to do a team building activity, and someone suggested a ropes course.

A few folks were hesitant, but I'm happy to say everyone came. I've never experience such fantastic bondage.
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I had to go to the doc today for heart problems. Good news is my heart is healthy enough for sexual activity.

Bad news is my doc won't give me prescription.

Cross-examination of a coroner

"Did you check the victim's pulse?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check if the victim's breathing had stopped?"

"No, I did not."

"Did you check for any signs of brainwave activity?"

"No, I did not."

"Then how do you even know the victim is dead?"

"Well, h...
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Husband vs Bull

A woman who lived with her husband on a large farm was recovering in hospital following an operation.

“The operation went well”, the doctor informed her, “and I think you're ready to go home. But make sure you get plenty of rest. No work or strenuous activity for the next week.”
...
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