UPJOKE
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A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 15bucks an hour starting today and in three months….,

I'll raise it to 18bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?"

"In 3 months," the employee replies.

I'm starting a business to teach short people maths.

It's called, "Making The Little Things Count."

I said, "Doc, look, my hair's starting to fall out, maybe give me something to keep it in"

He gave me a ziploc bag

Obituaries are starting to creep me out

People keep dying in alphabetical order

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Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words? After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, “Monday”. Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day! Does anyone know any other words? I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is starting to

lose interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his wine at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the wine li...

I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly...

"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"

Thinking of starting a weed infused food truck

Calling it the Canni-Bus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

SUMMER CAMP FOR Husbands. Evening classes for men. Starting this month.

*Summer camp*

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of the content, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

*Topic 1.*
How to fill ice-cube trays and why to fill water bottles before putting them back in the fridge.
Step by step with slide pre...

My wife begged me in the doctors waiting room to go in with her to see the psychiatrist about my issues with starting a family.

I refused to come inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm starting to think that this country really is run by Jews.

But it's only my first week in Israel.

As a young man just starting out…

… I was very poor.

But, I never gave up. And today, after many years of hard work and perseverance…





… I am old.

A couple are starting to develop forgetfulness

An 80-year old couple were having trouble remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor’s office, they explained to the doctor the problems they were having.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told th...

I’m starting a food delivery service for zombies

Hello Flesh!

I asked my optometrist why he was starting to look like an eyeglass?

And he said it was in order to make a spectacle of himself.

Did you know that Jesus was actually crucified for starting fires everywhere?

He died for arsons.

Tried starting a hermits association club in my neighborhood

It was really nice. No one turned up. Think I'm on to something.

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order

They will now be known as Knockers

I’m thinking of starting a combined escort and midwife service

It will be called “Vaginal Delivery”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay people are really starting to piss me off

They're always like "I'm not gay" and "I think you're projecting"

Like fuck me dude

Did you hear about the new flight company I'm starting exclusively for bald people?

Receding Airlines

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any ministers that misguided him.

A Minister once gave an opinion which was wrong which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the Minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The Minister said, "I served you loyally for 10 years & you do this..?"

The King was unrelenting.

Minister pleaded, "Please give m...

Guy gets pulled over by the cops.

Cop: It seems you have been drinking.

Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter "M".

Guy: No problem. "Malphabet."

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

I'm starting a job as a director..

.. of old McDonald's farm, I'm the CIEIO.

[OC] I was bowled over by the news that the Vatican was starting a check cashing and money transfer operation

They're going to name it Papal.

Man goes in a jewellers

Man goes in a jewellers says I want to buy a potato clock

Jeweller says, I've never heard of one. I've got grandfather, cuckoo and wall clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock.

Man says I'm starting a new job at 9 tomorrow & the wife said, you'd better get a potato clock

What chemical got it's nickname from starting fires?

Arson Nick

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