Gambling Jokes

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

Gambling with Blondes

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told
her that every time she could not answer his ...

My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

Gambling addiction.

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

Gambling With the IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m ...

What you call someone who works diligently on their gambling addiction?

An over/underachiever.

Gambling brought my family closer together.

We had to buy a smaller house.

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

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**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

Do you know why there's no gambling in Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

Life insurance is gambling

Me: I bet you $100 I will die this year.

Insurance: We'll bet you $50,000 that you won't.

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A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agree...

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

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3 priests are out fishing on a boat..

One of them says "We should confess our sins to one another."

The first one says "I have a gambling problem, I sneak out at night and gamble away all my money..

The second one says "I have an addiction to porn and can't stop looking at it."

The third one says "I am a gossip and ...

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

Gambling Problem

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "My wife...

My girlfriend says she's going to leave me because I have a gambling problem

But I think she's bluffing.

I don't see my wife & kids anymore. It's all due to gambling.

I won the lottery and I moved to Hawai'i

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Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

What do you call a paraplegic who self medicates with drugs and gambling?

A High Roller

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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

+how's your gambling addiction going?

\-i don't know but i bet is fine.

How do you stop a gambling addict from gambling?

Make a bet. They won't refuse.

I just recently had to switch my gambling habit to off-track betting

I kept getting trampled by the horses

Where do gambling gangsters go after they die?

To the Gangster's-Pair-a-Dice.

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

my friend told me that im probably going to have a gambling addiction

i told him:
"how much are you willing to bet on that"

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

Gambling in 2020

Is it common cold or corona virus?

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

So now I have a gambling problem???

I don't know who's spreading these lies, but my money's on Mike.

My family tried giving me an intervention for my gambling problem.

I bet them $100 each that I don’t have a problem, easy money

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

A man is about to enter a casino, but is approached by a beggar just as he’s about to go in the door…

The beggar asks, “Hey man, can you spare a bit of money? I’m hungry, and could really use a jacket and a new pair of shoes.”

“Wait a minute”, says the man, “How do I know you’re not just going to take the money and go gamble it all away?”

“Oh, don’t worry… I won’t”, replies the beggar,...

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money is on Jimmy.

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Young Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem.

Jimmy's Dad goes to talk to his teacher before class one morning. "Ms. Thompson, my son Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem, he bets on everything, he'd even bet on what tomorrow's temperature would be." he says. Ms. Thompson replies "Yes I have noticed his gambling, and it disrputs the class and ...

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A G...

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’

I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

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A man loses everything by gambling

A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man...

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

My wife just left me because of my gambling addiction...

I wonder what the odd are for me winning her back.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wished to deposit i...

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I think my brother is gambling somewhere in Nevada.

Vague guess.

Heard of the nun that stole a fortune to fund her gambling habit?

The first clue probably should have been that she spent a fortune on a habit specifically for gambling.

Did you hear about the new center for gambling addiction?

Your addiction cured or double your money back!

My wife is mad at me because I lost £6,570 gambling. Seriously, honey! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

My friend once told me, "I think you have a gambling problem."

$50 says he has no idea what he's talking about.

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?

Because they're always raising the steaks.

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

I am not a gambling addict.

In fact, I'd bet $1000 that I could stop any minute now.

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

I got addicted to gambling on quiz games

Now I’m in Kahoots with the mafia.

Government: Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.

In unrelated news the Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

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Gambling problem...

So this average guy in an average town was at his average job on an average day. Let's call him Average Joe. Joe for short.

Joe was working away, about 15 minutes from clocking out, and heard a voice in his head that said, "Quit your job, sell your house, go to Vegas." Joe just thought he ov...

“Your gambling addiction is getting out of hand”

"I bet you $50 it isn’t mate"

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.

I thought, "I might have to raise him."

Alanis sets out to Vegas on her annual gambling trip.

On arrival, she heads straight to her usual Blackjack table, where she's greeted by the croupier, "Welcome back Mrs. Terr. The usual loan, I assume?"

She nods and he hands her $10,000 in chips.

After an hour, she's down to $20.

The croupier asks, "Same again, Mrs. Terr?", she n...

Did you hear about the guy who had such a gambling problem, he sold every single body part to pay for it?

He should have quit while he was still a head.

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

What's gambling like in heaven?

It's a pair-a-dice.

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

Why did the Dalai Lama download the gambling app?

He'd heard they had an introductory offer that would make it Free Tibet.

What did the gambling addicts name their daughter?

Betty.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

My uncle lost everything due to gambling.

True story. I asked him, "Did your wife leave you?" He replied, "I'm not that lucky."

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

I used to have a horrible gambling problem...

.. but I wager I'll never gamble again.

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a g...

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A serial killer died and goes to hell…

A serial killer dies and goes to hell. He’s met by a devil.

“Welcome to hell. Do you like smoking?”

“Yeah” replies the killer.

“Oh boy you’re gonna love Mondays. All we do is smoke. Soon as you’re done smoking, another cigarette appears in your hand. Smoke smoke smoke, all day l...

I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...

What can I say? I like Tibet.

A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling.

Fortunately he quit while he was a head.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

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