My wife thinks I care more about gambling than our kids.

That isn't true at all. I am going to stay in this casino until I win our son's tuition back to prove it.

Gambling addiction hotlines would be so much better if...

Every fifth caller was a winner.

Judge to carpenter: "You were arrested during a drugs bust in a gambling den. What were you doing there?"

"Making a bolt for the door, your honour."

Life insurance is gambling

Me: I bet you $100 I will die this year.

Insurance: We'll bet you $50,000 that you won't.

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

Why is gambling banned in South Africa?

Because there are too many cheetahs.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

My wife got mad because I lost £3,420 gambling. Jesus, woman! It's not even YOUR money...

Anymore.

An American wins 2000 pounds gambling in Britain.

As he receives his winnings, all he can say is:

“That’s a ton of money”

My favorite gambling event is horse racing, but I’m bad at it.

No matter how hard I try, the horses are just way faster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

I finally have quit gambling...

I do cryptos now.

Heard of the nun that stole a fortune to fund her gambling habit?

The first clue probably should have been that she spent a fortune on a habit specifically for gambling.

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

Armed man storms into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask

He shouts "**everybody hit the floor!**" and shoots his gun twice at the ceiling. Everybody hits the floor in muffled panic. He then approaches the main desk and accosts the lady behind the counter:

\- **you! bank lady! where is the storage vault?**

\+ it's downstairs but--

\- ...

my friend told me that im probably going to have a gambling addiction

i told him:
"how much are you willing to bet on that"

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

My friend once told me, "I think you have a gambling problem."

$50 says he has no idea what he's talking about.

So there’s these three Catholic priests go fishing at the local lake for the day

While their there, they notice that the fish aren’t biting. They’re bored out of their minds until one of them says something about it.

The first priest mentions that “We always give confession amungst others, but we never have the opportunity to give it amungst ourselves.”

The other t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy dies and goes to hell

Arriving there, he gets really sad because he didn't expect eternal suffering.
As the devil is receiving him, he asks:
- why are you sad?
The guy replies:
- because now I'll suffer for eternity.
- Relax! - the devil says. - this place ain't as bad as they say. Listen, do you like alc...

Dieting hasnt worked out for me, so Im gambling in the UK

Great way to lose a few pounds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to hell...

A man dies and goes to the hell. As usual, he gets a tour from the devil to know, where he actually came to.

They visit a first room with many tables and people are playing all the card games in a big style.
The man asks, what is going on and the devil explains: "Those are people, who got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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A Great Gambler

The IRS tax agents decide to audit an elderly man, and summon him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when the old man showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that yo...

A guy with a gambling addiction walks into a butchers

He goes to the butcher - "I bet you $500 you can't get the meat down from the top shelf without a ladder"

The butcher says "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high"

Where do gambling gangsters go after they die?

To the Gangster's-Pair-a-Dice.

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

I'm absolutely heartbroken. My Girlfriend has broken up with me over my chronic gambling addiction..

.. Desperate to win Her back.

+how's your gambling addiction going?

\-i don't know but i bet is fine.

Gambling in 2020

Is it common cold or corona virus?

Government: Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.

In unrelated news the Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Si...

They say one out of every seven friends has a gambling addiction.

My money is on Jimmy.

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

My wife just left me because of my gambling addiction...

I wonder what the odd are for me winning her back.

A small man admitted himself to rehab with a gambling addiction

It’s ok. He’s a little better.

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I think my brother is gambling somewhere in Nevada.

Vague guess.

So now I have a gambling problem???

I don't know who's spreading these lies, but my money's on Mike.

Why is gambling illegal in China

Because they hate Tibet

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A gambling problem.

So there's an 80 year old man who one day gets a call from the IRS.

IRS: hello sir we've noticed large amounts of money moving into and out of your account and I need you to come down for a meeting tomorrow and explain some things or we may have to perform an audit.

The old man agree...

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Gambling jokes

**Husband**: How do you lose $150 in the slot machines!

**Wife**: You lost $15000 at the tables!

**Husband**: Yeah but I know how to gamble.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_



**Bettor**: My god, I had a terrible day today. I lost 15 ou...

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..

i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

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Have you heard about the old man's gambling problem?

An old man had a gambling problem not a bad one but a really good one. He was depositing thousands each day.

A few months pass and seeing as the old man had no job was contacted by the IRS to discuss his income.

The old man arrives with his lawyer to speak with the IRS agent. The agen...

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Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads:

“If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.

She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet

Because I lost my car in poker last night.

I got addicted to gambling on quiz games

Now I’m in Kahoots with the mafia.

Why is the Dalai Lama suffering from a gambling addiction?

Because he loves Tibet.

I can quit gambling anytime

I made a bet with my friends about it

Gambling with Blondes

There was a blonde who was sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.

The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told
her that every time she could not answer his ...

What do you call a fish that won’t walk away from a poker table?

A gambling haddock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is in vegas and decides to walk along the strip after a long night of gambling...

All of a sudden, the man is approached by a hooker.

Hoping to end the night well, the man asks "How much for a hand job?"

"$1000" replies the hooker.

"$1000? That's an insane amount for a hand job!" says the man as he begins to walk away.

The hooker stops him and says "Se...

Why Don't vampires like gambling?

They get nervous when the stakes are raised.

I told my friend I had been in Africa gambling with the natives. “Zulu’s?” He asked.

I said nope. I usually won.

I told my buddy we should go to a gambling anonymous meeting. He said ‘Why? We don’t have gambling problems!’

I replied, ‘You wanna bet?’

What do you call someone greater at gambling than you?

A Better Better.

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

After years of gambling, an unlucky gambler finally figures out the way to leave Las Vegas with a small fortune.

He goes to Las Vegas with a large fortune.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses everything by gambling

A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man...

Alanis sets out to Vegas on her annual gambling trip.

On arrival, she heads straight to her usual Blackjack table, where she's greeted by the croupier, "Welcome back Mrs. Terr. The usual loan, I assume?"

She nods and he hands her $10,000 in chips.

After an hour, she's down to $20.

The croupier asks, "Same again, Mrs. Terr?", she n...

“Your gambling addiction is getting out of hand”

"I bet you $50 it isn’t mate"

Why are cowboys prone to gambling?

Because they're always raising the steaks.

A priest, preacher, and rabbi are arrested for illegal gambling

One night, a priest, a preacher, and a rabbi are having a game of poker when the cops suddenly bust down their door and arrest them all on the spot. They are immediately taken before a judge who tells them "Look, it's late and I don't want to send three holy men to jail, so if you can give me a good...

Why did the Dalai Lama download the gambling app?

He'd heard they had an introductory offer that would make it Free Tibet.

I am not a gambling addict.

In fact, I'd bet $1000 that I could stop any minute now.

What did the gambling addicts name their daughter?

Betty.

What does a gambling addict call heaven?

Pair-a-dice

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about gambling, hookers, alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”


The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “That...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

A guy sees a reverse phycologist for a gambling problem

The phycologist says, “bet you can’t stop.”

What does a nun wear to a casino?

A gambling habit

Nobody rewarded me :(

I see people in the subreddit of ''GetMotivated'' writting stuff like ''I am a month free from alcohol'' or ''I am 3 months away from gambling'' and they get awards for doing that. Well I wrote there ''I am 3 months away from studying''. Nobody rewarded me. Thank you people of reddit!

What do you call a cow gambling for his life?

High steaks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem.

Jimmy's Dad goes to talk to his teacher before class one morning. "Ms. Thompson, my son Jimmy has a terrible gambling problem, he bets on everything, he'd even bet on what tomorrow's temperature would be." he says. Ms. Thompson replies "Yes I have noticed his gambling, and it disrputs the class and ...

Why did the Necromancer with a gambling problem get kicked out of the Slaughterhouse...

He kept raising the steaks.

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.

He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.

I thought, "I might have to raise him."

Gambling is like drugs

The dealer always wins

A man lost his arms, legs and torso gambling.

Fortunately he quit while he was a head.

Gambling in Vegas

My friend came back from Las Vegas once. He told me the slot machines are easy to win big at. He went to town in a $20,000 Nissan, left in a $360,000 Porsche.

I thought "nice, I'm going to get in on that." So I left for Vegas in my $30,000 Toyota. Came back in a $800,000 vehicle.

A G...

I used to have a horrible gambling problem...

.. but I wager I'll never gamble again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

My uncle lost everything due to gambling.

True story. I asked him, "Did your wife leave you?" He replied, "I'm not that lucky."

I became addicted to gambling when I visited the Himalayas...

What can I say? I like Tibet.

My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...

She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a stupid card game!?"

I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."

She said, "What do you mean?"

I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

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