My mom always used the "here comes the train~" trick to get me to finish my food and it was very effective...

because otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my next trick I will disappear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

I was going to play a trick on my roommate by filling their room up to the ceiling with ropes, but I didn’t have any ropes.

Now it’s just a ropeless home antic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My new party trick...

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together.

I shit you knot.

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

A magician finally finished his show but had one trick left

On his way home, he turned into a driveway

A little kid with a speech impediment goes trick or treating.

He walks up to the door and knocks. A woman answers the door and the kid says "bick or beat".

"What did you say", replies the woman.

The kids repeats, "bick or beat".

"Oh, you mean trick or treat", says the woman as the kid nods in response.

"What are you dressed as", as...

That was your greatest trick.

There was once a magician who performed sleight-of-hand tricks on a cruise ship. He had a regular spot on the ship's cabaret evening entertainment. He was actually quite a good magician, but his routines were regularly ruined by the on-board parrot who would fly around squawking and giving away his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A night after tricks, three hookers who lived together were sitting around having coffee and discussing the tricks from the night before

The first one said " I had a fireman the night before and the other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "That's easy ... his hose was over his shoulder and he smelt like like smoke." The second one said "I had a policeman ... "The other two said "How could you tell?" and she replies "He p...

I told a knock knock joke while trick or treating last Halloween

I only got a couple Snickers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Halloween trick or treaters knocked my door, dressed as Gloria Gaynor

At first I was afraid, I was petrified...

A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, “Uno, dos…”

and he disappeared without a trace.

Most iPhone owners don't know this one simple trick to save hundreds.

Buys android *

I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

Just as I thought all the trick or treaters were gone for the night, a 12 year old boy came to my door dressed in all red....

Instead of saying trick or treat he told me “I’m your period, sorry I’m late”

I went trick or treating in the red light district.

All I got was tricks.

What do you call someone tricked into signing a terrible deal?

The groom

why didnt the fat kid go trick or treating?

he was afraid he would get some snickers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some guys tricked me into having sex with a bolt.

I can’t believe I got screwed.

It’s going to be dangerous to trick-or-treat this Halloween due to the coronavirus pandemic.

The only way you’re getting candy from a stranger this year is by putting on a mask and going to the grocery store.

I hear Snow White's been turnin' tricks at ye olde tavern...

she said she wanted 7 Up & cider!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Raunchiest joke I told when I was younger (NSFW)

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition ‟For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

What do you call a dog who does magic tricks?

Hound-ini!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was talking to a friend when she asked “do you wanna see a trick?”

Interested in what it was, I reply “sure, what do you have”

She pulls out a penny and asks “ do you smell anything?” Puzzled for a moment I reply “no, not really” she smirks “you should, it’s a cent.”

She then puts a second penny in front of the first and asks “do you see any fruit?” A...

There's an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ

It's 150 minus the number of rolls of toilet paper you have at home.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again,

well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery

As they are standing at the counter, the Englishman quietly picks up 3 buns stows them away in his pocket.

He turns slightly towards the Irishman, saying quietly, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The baker didn't even see me."

The Irishman scoffed back, "That's jus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch...

When the magician failed at his trick, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. He never felt so embarassed.

He just wanted to disappear.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) I crushed No Nut November.

I didn't eat a single nut the whole month. (The trick is to masterbate everytime you get hungry for a nut)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

My pet fish is really good at tricking people

It's a catfish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?

A bae con.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

I tried to teach my old dog a new trick.

It was really ruff.

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”



The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the...

What's Bruno Mars favorite vegetable trick?

24 carrot magic

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

I used to be much more hesitant to teach my dog tricks.

It still gives me pause.

Joke

So a man walked into a bar and said “I’ll take a coffee.” The woman serving asked him to pay and he did. He drank the cup of coffee and thanked the waitress. Then he asked for another. He looked through his pockets and there was no money. She saw it and said, “Money or no coffee.” Which he replied w...

What is a dictators best magic trick?

They make people disappear.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river...

A man is drowning in the Mississippi river and screams for help. Two police officers are standing nearby, but they are just ignoring him. The man does not know, what to do, and so with his last attempt, shouts: "The president is an idiot!". Immediately after the police officers heard this, they pull...

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

How do you trick a pervert?

Like this.

A rather crooked friend of mine said that he was gonna trick some nuclear researchers.

I was a little worried. I asked if it was a conCERN.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

Jerry hat trick.



(Geriatric)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

A Mexican magician was doing a vanishing trick.

He said he'd disappear on the count of three.

Uno.

Dos.

*Poof!*

He disappeared without a tres.

No man should have to watch his woman work for a living.

That’s why, as her pimp, I have to stay outside while she does her tricks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Translation attempt: A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian compete with the Devil to see who gets out of hell

The Devil tells the three of them that whoever can fool him gets out of hell.

The Canadian is first. He is a good guy who never plays jokes on people, so he takes out a coin and makes a pretty basic magic trick. The Devil vaporizes him.

The American is next.

He walks towards th...

I was struggling to get my wife's attention

So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick

Three Most Important People

God was looking down on the earth and decided everything was too messed up to let it continue. He decided giving an ultimatum to humans would do the trick, so he called up who he thought were the three most important people on earth to tell them. God called up Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin, and Dona...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died... God and Satan are discussing what to do with him. God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."

Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted to spend eternity.
In heaven, the politician spends the entire time sitting in a comfortable chair, fighting to stay awake as angels f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

My dad is a magician. His greatest trick is cutting people in half.

I have three brothers and a half.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two long time friends decide it’s finally time to go on that hike through the alps they’ve always wanted to

One week into the trek, the first guy starts complaining about his feet, “they’re just so cold!” He says.
His buddy tells him that when his feet are cold he just makes sure that he rubs them bare feet by the fire every night before putting his socks on and going to bed.
His friends thanks him,...

Albert Einstein gets tricked

A man and Albert Einstein are sitting next to each other on a plane. Einstein keeps turning to the man and talking about how smart he is. Saying stuff like “oh people say in the smartest man alive”, or “I’m just so incredibly smart.” The man just ignores all of this and just reads his book. Finally ...

In honor of the eve of April Fools Day... just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.

Just treat it like it's any other day.



Have fun!

Three friends are out fishing, having a competition to see who can catch the biggest fish.

The first guy says “Ill use worms as bait, surely this will catch the largest fish. My dad was a fisherman for all of his life, and taught me all of his tricks to catching the biggest fish. There is no possible way you guys can beat me.”

The second guy bursts out laughing. “You expect to catc...

Two Filipino kids go trick or treating on Halloween...

...At the first house they go up to, a lady answers the door.

She says, "oh how cute are you two? Let me guess what you are..."

To the first kid she says, "With your tiara and wand, you must be a princess?"

the first kid says, "Yes! I am a princess!"

The lady says to the ...

Prawn again...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea. One was called Justin and the other was called Christian. Life was good, except that the prawns were constantly being chased and threatened by sharks. Finally one day, Justin said to Christian, "I'm tired o...

I just got off my shift working on a drilling rig

that is taking core samples looking for gold. My family is out of town right now, so I came home, showered and decided that I would, all by my lonesome, go trick-or-treating.

I'll be dressed up as an unaccompanied miner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tommy was 4 when his little brother was born. Tommy was pissed.

His life was suddenly turned upside down. Everyone was too busy doting on little Timmy to notice him anymore, everyone was like "Timmy this, Timmy that, Timmy's the best kid ever". Even his parents seemed to have forgotten about him. Tommy began to go deep into depression, but nobody seemed to care,...

A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math!

Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "They must be teaching you some new tricks!" "Not really." "Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?" "Well", he says, "as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I ...

And for my next trick...

I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap!

Drum roll please.

On the train to a computer convention

Three developers from Red Hat and three from Microsoft use the train to get to a convention. The three devs from MS buy a ticket each, the three devs from RH buy only a single ticket together. The devs from MS sit down in the same cabin to see how they get thrown out.

As the conductor comes,...

In Barcelona, there's a common prank where spicy peppers are hidden inside kiwi fruits, and then the 'victim' is tricked into eating them

Nobody expects the Spanish in-kiwi Sichuan

Michael and Jerry are two third graders in the same school. One day, Michael told Jerry: “I just learned a neat trick that made me twenty bucks yesterday.”

“Really? What’s the trick?” Asked Jerry.

“It’s easy.” Michael said “Just go up to an adult and whisper in their ears: ‘I know everything about that dirty little secret of yours, now give me ten bucks, or else’ ; I’ve tried it on my parents last night and it totally worked!”

Excited, Je...

I discovered a trick if you’re struggling to decide what song to sing while washing your hands.

Just count to 20 it’s not that hard

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

2 Aspirins Does The Trick...

Bob comes home drunk, get's 2 aspirins and shoves it in his wife's mouth whilst she's asleep.

She wakes up startled and says: "What the hell are doing Bob?"

Bob than says: "I placed 2 aspirins in your mouth!"

Wife: "Are you on drugs?? I do not have a headache!!!"

Bob: "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She won't admit it, but I'm sure my wife's favorite sex position is "trick-dog style."

It's where I sit up and beg, then she rolls over and plays dead.

I know how to trick a idiot

H

E

L
L

L


We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up...

Milking competition

Bruce Lee, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Rajesh Hamaal aka 'Rajesh dai' met at a farm one day where they came to buy some milk. They started with a light conversation which soon turned into a feud as to who is the greatest.


They turned to the farmer and asked him as to who is the greatest. Th...

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

These trick or treaters seem to get older every year, just had two at the door now asking for money.

Costumes were good though, they were dressed as bailiffs.



I gave them a Mars bar each and told them to fuck off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

A PSA

I need to give everyone a warning. I was at the local Home Depot getting back into my truck where three hot young women came up to me and started rubbing their bodies all over me. Things got hot and heavy and a good time was had by all. I was heading home and I found that my wallet was missing! <...

How do you trick a guy into going to a tennis match?

Tell him it’s a women’s singles event.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and Wife, lying in bed just after a wonderful night of sex.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed.?

Husband: Yes I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick.?

Husband: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe is talking to his friend Danny...

He goes, "You gotta help me man, I want to stop making bad decisions. It started with drugs, alcohol, and now I can't even stop myself from buying shit off Amazon that I don't need!"


Danny says,"I have a simple trick. Everytime I'm about to make a big spending decision, I have a wank.If I...

What's the trick to just Dolphin' around?

You gotta do it with porpoise

What's the scariest costume you will see on Halloween 2020?

A trick-or-treater *without a mask!*

3 Drunk Men Entered A Taxi

Three drunk men entered a taxi. The taxi driver noticed that they were drunk, so he started the engine and turned it off again, without actually moving the car at all. Then, he said "We have reached your destination.". The first guy handed him the money, while the second guy said "Thank you.". The t...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies and goes to hell...

He arrives in hell to find Satan standing behind a podium, like a game show host, there are 3 doors behind him, marked 1,2 and 3, coloured Red, White and Blue.

The man walks up to Satan, Satan says “ Choose a door, but beware, once in you cannot leave” The man asks “ well what’s behind the do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old Mary and Frank have been having some matrimonial issues...

No matter how hard he tries, Frank just can't bring Mary to orgasm anymore.

They decide to visit the doctor for help, because they love each other, in all the ways, and this lack of intimacy is bringing them both down emotionally.

Thankfully the doctor has the answer. He advises Fran...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

This woman goes to her doctor complaining about her husbands anger, as he seems to just flip out on her and lose his temper constantly...

...the doctor makes a suggestion, "Ok, here's what I want you to do, anytime that you feel like your husband is about to get flip out, I want you to go the kitchen, pour yourself a glass of water, and then take a swig and keep swilling it around your mouth until he calms down"...

The woman, p...

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

What's the difference between skateboard tricks and my political views?

Nothing, people call them "sick" and "radical".

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.