An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

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And for my next trick I will disappear

Fuck you pear you taste like shit.

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots...

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A kid is Trick or Treating on Halloween

He goes up to a door and knocks. A man opens the door and asks "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says "I'm a birate." The man asks "Do you mean pirate?" The kid says "No, I mean birate." The man asks "Well, what's that on your shoulder?" The kid says "It's my barrot." The man asks "Don't you me...

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I can do a magic trick by eating these 2 pieces of string.

I shit you knot.

Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.




Is that a trick question?

Why did the skeleton not go trick-or-treating?

He had no BODY to go with.

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

A Mexican magician was performing a trick...

Magician: "Uno! Dòs..."

*poof*

And he disappeared without a très...

What is a blindmans favourite yo-yo trick?

Walking the dog.

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

My dad showed me a magic trick. He did very well.

He really did disappear.

Magic Trick

A naked magician steps on the stage and says:

"Now, i will let a crocodile bite my genitals, and i wont take any harm!"

The crocodile comes in, the magician does a slight split, and the crocodile bites him right between the legs.

The magician punches the animal hard on his head...

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

The man was dying to know the secrets behind these insane tricks.

A man was at a magic show. The magician was doing several amazing tricks that had the audience shocked.

After one particularly incredible trick, the man screamed out, “Please, you have to tell me how you do that!”

The magician waved his hand in the air and winked knowingly. “Oh, I woul...

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

What does a necromancer magician say during a magic trick?

Abra-cadaver.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

How do you trick a pervert into looking at something?

Easy.

There’s only one type of dog who can do magic tricks....

A labracadabrador

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

I decided to try the old yawn and put your arm around them trick

The guy at the urinal next to mine wasn't amused.

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Just had some trick or treaters come to my door dressed as Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

How to explain life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

Today a trick or treater came to my door looking for halloween candies.

I gave him a chocolate bar and on his way out he shouted "your wife is pretty". Needless to say the wife got excited and said cute what was he dressed up as. My response was easy "He was dressed up as a blind kid apparently"

Two blonds are trick-or-treating.

The first blonde looks up then at the second and says “The lights are off. I don’t think they are home.”
The second blond looks up then at the first and says “The lights are to on. Don’t try to trick me like that.”
The first blond again looks up and back down to again say the lights are off. <...

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what do you call a woman who tricks people into having sex with her?

Boobie trap

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

A handjob's a good trick

If you can pull it off.

"Trick or Treat" refers to Halloween...

...but it also describes potential outcomes of taking an attractive Bangkok waitress back to your hotel room.

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Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

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What's the difference between a dog who can do tricks and a dog who sniffs his own butt?

One's a smart fella and the other's a fart smella.
Of course, many dogs are both...

How did Trump win?

"Hillary Clinton" and "Donald Trump" go into a bakery.

Hillary Clinton steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald Trump "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

Donald Trump: "Th...

What’s the hardest trick in skateboarding?

Getting a job

Do you know the easy trick to avoid clickbait?

I guess not.

Try this one trick to last longer in bed!

Throw out your alarm clock.

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I've discovered the trick to making my penis 12 inches long...

just fold it in half.

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

A cute little boy dresses up as a pirate and goes trick or treating....

He goes to the door and rings the bell. A sweet old lady opens the door and says, "Oh, what a handsome pirate you are! But where are your buccaneers?"

The cute little boy replies, "Under my buccan hat!"

There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks

People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.

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The great circus trick

One day at the big circus in town, the great circus entertainer decides to do his greatest trick. He comes out on stage along with a big, fierce looking aligator and starts presenting:

'Ladies and gentlemen, today you will be witness to one of the greatest tricks in history. I will place my p...

What do you call the Redditor whose Jedi mind trick tricked you into upvoting their joke to the front page?

OP Wan Kenobi

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

"You always try and trick me with your privileged right to be first every time, then, you try and manipulate me into making dumb mistakes. You look down on me, don't you? Is it because I'm black!?"

I sighed and said, "Look, you can be white if you want darling, it's only a game of chess!"

A magicians last trick

A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Not...

Why can't you trick an unemployed jester?

Because he's nobody's fool!

Halloween trick or treat

I remember a story from last year. I was sat in my living room when I heard a small knock at the door. As I opened the door there was a little boy dressed as the Predator, with his dad. I asked "and who are you meant to be?" kneeling down to give him a sweet, "a child Predator" his dad responds. "W...

I've tried every trick in the book to get a woman to cry out my name in bed...

In end it was easier to just change my name to "already?"

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