I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

Just been on a diabetes awareness website....

It asked me if i accept cookies.




Is that a trick question?

Magic Trick

A naked magician steps on the stage and says:

"Now, i will let a crocodile bite my genitals, and i wont take any harm!"

The crocodile comes in, the magician does a slight split, and the crocodile bites him right between the legs.

The magician punches the animal hard on his head...

My dad showed me a magic trick. He did very well.

He really did disappear.

The man was dying to know the secrets behind these insane tricks.

A man was at a magic show. The magician was doing several amazing tricks that had the audience shocked.

After one particularly incredible trick, the man screamed out, “Please, you have to tell me how you do that!”

The magician waved his hand in the air and winked knowingly. “Oh, I woul...

What does a necromancer magician say during a magic trick?

Abra-cadaver.

There’s only one type of dog who can do magic tricks....

A labracadabrador

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

A mexican magician was performing a trick

He came up to me and said "pick a card! Any card!"
So I took his green card.

How do you trick a pervert into looking at something?

Easy.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

A Mexican magician was performing a trick...

Magician: "Uno! Dòs..."

*poof*

And he disappeared without a très...

On my third day of alcohol detox and finally found the trick for withdrawals

I find a beer or 6 really takes the edge off

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

A genius walks into a bar with no money.

A genius walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cra...

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!

The flu.

I decided to try the old yawn and put your arm around them trick

The guy at the urinal next to mine wasn't amused.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just had some trick or treaters come to my door dressed as Gloria Gaynor...

At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

what do you call a woman who tricks people into having sex with her?

Boobie trap

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magician: For my next trick, I will disappear.

Magician: Fuck you pear! Mangoes taste much better than you!

Today a trick or treater came to my door looking for halloween candies.

I gave him a chocolate bar and on his way out he shouted "your wife is pretty". Needless to say the wife got excited and said cute what was he dressed up as. My response was easy "He was dressed up as a blind kid apparently"

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horror with jump scares is a cheap trick...

...but a whore with jump scares is an expensive trick.

A Spanish magician was showing a trick..

"For my next trick, I'll disappear into thin air. Uno, dos."

And he vanished without a tres!

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

Two blonds are trick-or-treating.

The first blonde looks up then at the second and says “The lights are off. I don’t think they are home.”
The second blond looks up then at the first and says “The lights are to on. Don’t try to trick me like that.”
The first blond again looks up and back down to again say the lights are off. <...

How to explain life

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?...

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

My wife taught the car a new trick

Who knew they could roll over...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

A handjob's a good trick

If you can pull it off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a dog who can do tricks and a dog who sniffs his own butt?

One's a smart fella and the other's a fart smella.
Of course, many dogs are both...

What’s the hardest trick in skateboarding?

Getting a job

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

...

Try this one trick to last longer in bed!

Throw out your alarm clock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've discovered the trick to making my penis 12 inches long...

just fold it in half.

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The great circus trick

One day at the big circus in town, the great circus entertainer decides to do his greatest trick. He comes out on stage along with a big, fierce looking aligator and starts presenting:

'Ladies and gentlemen, today you will be witness to one of the greatest tricks in history. I will place my p...

Do you know the easy trick to avoid clickbait?

I guess not.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery.

Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket. He then looks at the Jew with a prideful smile and says "See how sly I am?"
The Jew, being determined to crush the Arab's pride, walks up to the baker and says "If you give me a pastry I will show you a magic trick....

How did Trump win?

"Hillary Clinton" and "Donald Trump" go into a bakery.

Hillary Clinton steals three pastries and puts them in her pocket.
She says to Donald Trump "See how clever I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.” I will definitely win the election.

Donald Trump: "Th...

Liposuction surgeons hate her! Learn how this woman lost 250 pounds in just one day with ONE easy trick!

She became widowed

There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks

People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.

"You always try and trick me with your privileged right to be first every time, then, you try and manipulate me into making dumb mistakes. You look down on me, don't you? Is it because I'm black!?"

I sighed and said, "Look, you can be white if you want darling, it's only a game of chess!"

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

What do you call the Redditor whose Jedi mind trick tricked you into upvoting their joke to the front page?

OP Wan Kenobi

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I have this cool party trick where I eat a rope and shit it out as a knot...

I shit you knot.

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen.

“What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, thos...

If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY.

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

What's the worst trick you can do to your blind brother?

Leave the plunger in the toilet

Halloween trick or treat

I remember a story from last year. I was sat in my living room when I heard a small knock at the door. As I opened the door there was a little boy dressed as the Predator, with his dad. I asked "and who are you meant to be?" kneeling down to give him a sweet, "a child Predator" his dad responds. "W...

A magicians last trick

A magician stood in front of a crowd. "For this last trick I will make myself appear in 100 different places around this very room" said the magician. The crowd watched in disbelief. "3...2...1...abracadabra". Yet the magician was still there. "Hmm let me try that again 3...2...1...abracadabra". Not...

What do you call a dog that knows lots of tricks, but only does them when he feels like it?

Chaotic Good Boy

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a dolphin do some tricks...

The dolphin notices that the 4 have a very poor view so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, ‘Can you see me now?’ And all 4 respond: ‘Yes.’ ‘Oui.’ ‘Si.’ ‘Ja.’

A magician was asked about the magic trick where someone is put into a coffin and cut in two.

"What can you tell me about that famous trick where you cut someone in two?"

"I obviously can't tell you the secret of how it works, but it failed once. The cutting in two was easy, but I didn't manage to put the poor girl back together..."

"My gosh... how is she doing now?

I've...

Why can't you trick an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

Why can't you trick an unemployed jester?

Because he's nobody's fool!

Did you hear about the cashier who did tricks with the barcode machine, but still charged full price?

She was a scan artist.

There was an alcoholic Jedi who used the Jedi mind trick to get a drunk driving incident removed from his record.

They called him DUI-Gone Gin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A kid in a tracksuit called to my door last night and said “Trick or treat”

“Its not Halloween till Tuesday. What are you even supposed to be?”

“I’m a ware wolf” he said with a cheeky grin.

“But you’re not even wearing a costume”

“Well it’s not a fucking full moon yet dickhead” he said before kicking me in the shins and running away laughing.
...

A lemonade seller and the businessman.

A lemonade seller was standing in the hot sun selling lemonade. A customer, who is a businessman approached him and asked him the prices.


"$3 for a full glass, $30 for 5 empty ones."


Astonished, the businessman asks him, "What is that supposed to mean?" The seller remained sil...

My latest trick is turning big plates into small ones.

It’s saucery.

Little Johnny goes Trick or Treating as a pirate...

... When he gets to the house of a kind old woman, she says "Oh don't you look fierce! But tell me, where are your buccaneers?"

Johnny replies "Under my bucking hat, where else would they be?!?"

My dad had this great magic trick he’d show us every night

He’d turn a full bottle of jagermeister into domestic violence

Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.