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And for my next trick, I will dissapear

Fuck you pear, you taste like shit

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These trick or treaters seem to get older every year, just had two at the door now asking for money.

Costumes were good though, they were dressed as bailiffs.



I gave them a Mars bar each and told them to fuck off.

2 Aspirins Does The Trick...

Bob comes home drunk, get's 2 aspirins and shoves it in his wife's mouth whilst she's asleep.

She wakes up startled and says: "What the hell are doing Bob?"

Bob than says: "I placed 2 aspirins in your mouth!"

Wife: "Are you on drugs?? I do not have a headache!!!"

Bob: "...

What candy do comediens give to trick or treaters?

A snickers bar

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Kid tricks the teacher badly

A teacher asks her class “If there’s 14 crows sitting on a fence, and you shoot 2 off, how many crows are left on the fence?” One little boy says, “None, the sound of the shotgun scared them all away.” The teacher says, “Thats not the answer I was looking for, but I like the way you’re thinking!” Th...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."...

What's the difference between skateboard tricks and my political views?

Nothing, people call them "sick" and "radical".

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery

Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots...

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A trick joke to bitch slap somebody [long joke]

For a friend you want to bitch slap or anybody for this matter. Front hand or backhand, it's your preference. You tell them if they want to hear a joke or if they have yet to hear it, the joke about a pimp and his THREE hoes. So it goes like this:

So their was a pimp walking down a block that...

A circus tamer was trying to arrange a trick where he'd have 50 bears marching in perfect lines, but they always ended up walking in circles, leading him to almost selling his bears...

Turns out he was the problem all along, he just had to get his bear-rings straight.

What do you call an illusionist who performs tricks with numbers?

A math magician.

I once tricked a cop by pointing my water gun at him.

\- Sent from ADX Florence

A Spanish magician was doing a magic trick. He said, "Uno, dos..."

and he disappeared without a tres.

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick

Walk through the front door during business hours.

"$50 is $50!"

Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, t...

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

A kid is Trick or Treating on Halloween

He goes up to a door and knocks. A man opens the door and asks "What are you supposed to be?" The kid says "I'm a birate." The man asks "Do you mean pirate?" The kid says "No, I mean birate." The man asks "Well, what's that on your shoulder?" The kid says "It's my barrot." The man asks "Don't you me...

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[NSFW] How Bill Clinton tricked Monica Lewinsky...

Clinton asked Lewinsky if she wanted to see the presidential clock and she replied yes.

So she followed him into the Oval Office and he turned around with his dick out and she said “Bill you nasty thing, that’s not a clock!”

Bill replied “It will be when you put two hands and a face on...

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I'm sick of people speeding through my residential neighbourhood in their obnoxiously loud tricked-out vehicles

Fucking ambulances

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

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I can do a magic trick by eating these 2 pieces of string.

I shit you knot.

A drunk guy walks into a bar...

He says: "Bartender, Pour everyone here a drink, pour one for yourself and give me the bill."

The bartender does just that and hands him the bill. The drunk goes: "Oh I don't have enough money"

The bartender slaps him a few times and tosses him out.

The next day the same guy wal...

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A white man and a black man walk into a bakery

The white man immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the black, "See how good I am? The owner didn't see a thing." The black man says to the white man, "That's typical of you white people. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result."

...

It's Halloween and a little boy dressed as a pirate goes up to the door and yells "Trick or treat!"

The man opens the door, and upon seeing the little boy says "Hey matey! Where's your buccaneers?"

The little boy says "Under my bunkin' hat!"

Why did the skeleton not go trick-or-treating?

He had no BODY to go with.

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

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Halloween

A Trick or Treater just knocked the door dressed as Gloria Gaynor. At first I was afraid, I was petrified

It’s normal for married couples to fight.

The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

My dad showed me a magic trick. He did very well.

He really did disappear.

My brother told me a trick on how to get a six pack in an hour.

You have to go to the liquor store

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row?

Jerry hat-trick ...

How do you trick a pervert into looking at something?

Easy.

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Going to Mia Khalifa's house on Halloween be like

Trick or Tits

The man was dying to know the secrets behind these insane tricks.

A man was at a magic show. The magician was doing several amazing tricks that had the audience shocked.

After one particularly incredible trick, the man screamed out, “Please, you have to tell me how you do that!”

The magician waved his hand in the air and winked knowingly. “Oh, I woul...

Magic Trick

A naked magician steps on the stage and says:

"Now, i will let a crocodile bite my genitals, and i wont take any harm!"

The crocodile comes in, the magician does a slight split, and the crocodile bites him right between the legs.

The magician punches the animal hard on his head...

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A Drill Sergeant goes to a strip club...

A drill sergeant stationed at Fort Benning heads down to the strip club on a friday night. He's having a good time, having a few drinks. One of the strippers takes a liking to him and offers a private dance. He agrees and they head to the back room. While she's dancing, she asks him what he does for...

Last night, I tried one of those old tricks where you light your farts on fire.

I couldn't find a lighter, so I used a candle...

Completely ruined my kid's birthday cake!

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A famous magician and a guy meet in a sauna

Guy: "Are you not \[famous magician\]"

Magician: "Yes I am"

Guy: "Can you show me a trick?"

Magician: "Okay, turn around, I will put my thumb in your butt"

Guy turns around.

Magician: "Do you feel it?"

Guy: "Yes"

Magician holds up his 2 thumbs: "I ha...

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I was playing Hangman with a friend...

...and he threw at me what he said was a truly challenging word - a proper noun no less! Said it was someone who was all over the news a lot as of late. All I had to go on were an i and a couple e's. Not a lot of *ease* that *I* could really glean from that! Now, I was sipping some tea at the time, ...

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A husband notices his wife’s hearing is deteriorating and decides to visit her doctor for advice.

“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.

“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing” explains the doctor. “Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again...

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach."

The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fre...

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Why did the incel cross the road?

Trick question, they never leave their parents’ basement.

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There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.

He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll,...

There’s only one type of dog who can do magic tricks....

A labracadabrador

Magic trick

An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.

The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed.
The baker doesn't notice.

The Englishman says to the Scotsman:
"You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"

The Scotsman says to the Englishm...

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I can predict your favorite movie with one simple trick..

This math test will determine your favorite movie.
Amazing!
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be Gone With The Wind. Thats my favorite movie! I was surprised how this worked.
.
Be honest and dont look at the movie list till you have done the math!
.
Try this test and ...

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It's Halloween evening, and the door bell goes

I get up and answer the door expecting to see some cute kids dressed in appropriate outfits, you know witches, zombies etc etc. So I was quite unprepared for what I saw when I opened the door...a group of maybe 15 year olds just wearing their normal clothes. Tracksuits and baseball caps maybe 5 or 6...

Little Johnny is trick or treating

and he’s dressed like a pirate! His outfit is top to bottom swashbuckling fun, and he’s incredibly proud of all the fine details included.

He goes to the first house, knocks on the door and when the door opens he yells “twick o tweat!”
The woman at the door fawns over him, she coos “oh...

Halloween Pickup lines

I can't find a costume for Halloween, so can I just go as your boyfriend?

Your costume looks complicated. Need help taking it off?

You’re such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.

You're the most boo-tiful ghost I've seen all night!

You look so good, ...

A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

Third magic trick now perfected.. transforming myself into toilet paper.

I'm on a roll!

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" .
"Well ... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well ... not exactly ... I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

How many HK protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Trick Question: They can't change anything.

Jk dont take this seriously plz

A married couple goes to the fair...

The couple is in their 40's and haven't been in about 20 years, since before they got married. The husband sees a sign that reads "Helicopter Rides: $50". He then turns to his wife and says, "Ethel, let's ride the helicopter. I've always wanted to ride a helicopter, I think it'd be romantic. We can ...

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A half dozen transexual magicians are touring the American South.

Six chicks with dicks play card tricks for a mix of hicks.

My anti-vax sister wouldn’t let me take my niece trick-or-treating, even though she had the perfect Halloween costume.

Stupid cemetery rules.

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

I need sleep and these trick-or-treaters keep knocking on my door.

“Let us out, we are starving, cold and there are rats in here.”

I decided to try the old yawn and put your arm around them trick

The guy at the urinal next to mine wasn't amused.

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A Boss tricked his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick...

2 Men drink in a bar

after they had a few beer they noticed, that they don't have money.

ONe of them had a plan: "Here, take the sausage and put it in your zip of your pants. The other guy did it and Man 1 begins to suck the sausage. The Barkeeper sees it and throw them out. Without asking for the money.
...

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

My dad can do all the same tricks that my dog can.

Except for stay.

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[NSFW] a soldier was home from tour and was naked in bed with his wife

As they talked it was obvious the mood was moving towards sex. So the soldier gets out of bed and stands at the side of the bed. He says to his wife "I learned this really neat trick. Do you want to see it?"

The wife replies "of course!" So the soldier looks down at his penis and says in a gr...

I have tricked so many people, for so long, that now I am a

Serial Master Baiter.

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?

Joseph Smith

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

I have a special trick for getting the result I want in a coin flip

It's not perfect, but it works about 50% of the time.

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Drinking for free

Two old friends wanted to go drinking but didn't have any money. The oldest of the two told his friend it's no problem, he had an idea to get drinks for free so away they went to the local pub and ordered a bunch of drinks. After slamming down some beer the friend asked how they would get this for ...

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick!

All I did was buy bitcoin

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

Every year my boyfriend gets me with one of those damned trick candles.

You know, the ones where you blow and you blow and you blow, and then they squirt you in the face.

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A principal notices a Post-It on a locker.

"Jocks of JFK High! This small change in diet can boost your physique FOREVER! Head to the gym to find out how!"

Puzzled, he pulls it off and continues down the hall. Just a few lockers down, another catches his eye.

"Hey goth girls! Tired of dark eyeliner that just runs all day? One ...

Birthday party

A boy was celebrating his 10th birthday. Because it was his 10th birthday his mom hired a magician. At the party the magician put on a great show, and for the final he disappeared. Everyone clapped and cheered except for the birthday boy. He said "Boo, my dad mastered that trick years ago. Your not ...

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Two thieves see a horse...

Two thieves see a horse tied to a hitch outside of a tavern in a small rural town. They decide they want want to steal the horse, but they're pretty sure they'll get caught trying to make their escape from the town in the middle of nowhere.

The one thief says to the other: "I have an idea. ...

What's the differnce between Donald Trump and an iPad?

Trick question, you shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

I’m going trick or treating with my Gran tonight.

It’s the only time I can take her out as she’s been dead for ten years.

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she

noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. S...

Nguyen, who saw by touch. It's original, I swear!

Did you hear about the blind Thai man who was able to tell what race people were by touch? It's true! Just by feeling their hand, old man Nguyen could tell you if somebody was European, African, Polynesian, or American. He was best at Asian countries, just by practice, and could even tell what count...

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A couple was in bed when the husband asked his wife...

Husband: Hey Honey, do I please you in bed?

Wife: Yes, I love that trick that trick you do with your mouth.

Husband: Which trick?

Wife: The one where you shut the fuck up and go to sleep.

Mischievous medical student

A notorious student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time, he went to his professor, but his professor was ready for him.

Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '

Professor: 'I don't know really. How old are you? '

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Do you want to see magic trick?

Go up to your wife and call her a fucking cunt and she instantly becomes one.

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What's the difference between a dog who can do tricks and a dog who sniffs his own butt?

One's a smart fella and the other's a fart smella.
Of course, many dogs are both...

Today a trick or treater came to my door looking for halloween candies.

I gave him a chocolate bar and on his way out he shouted "your wife is pretty". Needless to say the wife got excited and said cute what was he dressed up as. My response was easy "He was dressed up as a blind kid apparently"

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My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

Two blonds are trick-or-treating.

The first blonde looks up then at the second and says “The lights are off. I don’t think they are home.”
The second blond looks up then at the first and says “The lights are to on. Don’t try to trick me like that.”
The first blond again looks up and back down to again say the lights are off. <...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The man behind the bar says to him "what the fuck are you doing with that crocodile?"

The man looks at him and says "he can do tricks!"

The man behind the bar responds "Tricks?! You barmy bastard, get out, get out!"


The man says "I'll show you!" and pulls his cock out and pu...

New Harley-Davidson

A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike, the dealer asks if he would like some extra chrome protection added to the bill. The young man is upset because he does not ha...

A handjob's a good trick

If you can pull it off.

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,...

The trick-or-treaters this year didn’t get the hint about my unlit house not having candy.

It completely wrecked my quiet evening in my lighthouse.

Did you hear about the message that tricked ice to flash to vapor without first passing through the liquid state?

It was subliminal.

“YOU ARE UNDER ARREST!”

“No I’m not”
Simple trick. Works every time.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Irishman looks over to the bar and sees, who he thinks, is Jesus.

The Irishman gets the attention of the other two.
"Look, lads. It's Jesus!"

Skeptical, the two guys laughingly ask him to go go and ask the man at the bar if he is, in fact, Jesus.

Brazenly, the Irishman ...

A woman is caught cheating on her husband...

Her son walks in from school, with her husband close behind. Thinking fast, she shoves her lover and the boy into the closet, then begins casually talking to the husband.

" It sure is dark in here... It'd be a shame if I were to... Scream." Whispers the boy slyly.

" Please don't tell...

What do farts and Houdini have in common?

Both are great escape artists, but once the trick is done everybody leaves.

Yesterday my wife taught the car a new trick.

She taught it to roll over.

A guy visits a carnival and amongst the merry-go-rounds, vendors and performers he spots a man with a tiny pony.

He walks up to the man and asks: "What's with the pony?"

"For a dollar the pony can do pretty much any trick you ask of it" the man replies.

"That's cool" the guy says and proceeds to take out his wallet, retrieve a dollar bill and puts it in the jar next to the pony.

He extends...

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night?

A Jerry Hat Trick

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Three Old Prostitutes

Three old prostitutes were sitting around the nursing home, chatting about the old days. The subject of their first trick comes up:

First prostitute: My first trick was a police officer, and he was the best lover I ever had.

Second prostitute: My first trick was a fireman, and he wa...

Do you know the easy trick to avoid clickbait?

I guess not.

What’s the hardest trick in skateboarding?

Getting a job

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