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Football Player Jokes

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship



I'm sorry

A football player asked his wife if she ever cheated on him

This is translated from Arabic, I don’t know if it’s going to be funny as in Arabic but I’ll try my best *fingers crossed*

A football player once asked his wife if she ever cheated on him, she answered with “yes, three times.” He then asked “Ok, tell me about the first time.” She said, “Do y...

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”

The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, atta...

Do you know the Football player whose missing 75% of his spine?

He's the Quarterback.



(My 2nd joke attempt X\_X)

Why would an octopus make a good football player?

Because it would have ten tackles

Hands down, Pele was the greatest football player of all time.

Hands up, he'd be thrown out of the game as that's against the rules.

What did the football player say to the flight attendant?

Put me in coach.

Why can't football players wear glasses?

It's a contacts sport

What does the average Alabama football player get on his SATs?

Drool

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

What does a football player say when they beat someone in football?

"Ha ha ha, soccer"

A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts when I touch my face, elbow and knee." The doctor says,

"You've broken your finger"

How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?

One, and he gets 3 credits.

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

What's a football player's favorite ice cream?

Any given sundae

What happens to football players who go blind?

They become referees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went with a friend to a bar, and met some football players.

Afterwards, my friend said she wanted to ask one of the players out.

I didn’t understand why as he seemed like a bit of jerk, but apparently all the other guys said he was a keeper.

A football player was famished after a big game, so he ordered a large pizza.

The server asked him if he wanted it cut into 8 or 10 pieces. He said, "Just eight thanks, I'm hungry but I don't think I could eat ten."

2 football players are in a bar

One walks up to the other and says hey, wanna shot?
The other says: Il pass

How do football players stay cool?

By standing close to the fans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I threw some of my poo at a famous football player.

Shit got Messi.

Man o.j simpson was a great football player

He killed it on and off the field

One of Santa's helpers and a football player on the defense together went on a rampage.

It was elf and safety gone mad.

Who is Ghlislane Maxwells favorite American Football player?

Chase Young

What’s the difference between an NFL player and football player?

When you pat an NFL player on the shoulder, they feel better. But the other gets hospitalized right away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A football player at a university wanted to take an easy class

A friend told him he should take the ornithology class. "Ornithology?", he said, "What's that?"

"It's the study of birds," his friend told him, "but don't worry, the professor is 80 years old and hardly ever shows up for class. When he does show up, he falls right to sleep. All you have to do...

What happened to the football player who went to prison?

He used to be a tight end, but now he's a wide receiver.

I'm starting a new business where I host parties for football players

Just trying to make ends meet

Le'veon Bell is a famous football player,

However his fame fails in comparison to his older brother, Taco.

A football player was late to conditioning practice

His coach asked "Why are you late?"

The player replies "I was shampooing. I always shampoo before conditioning."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two football players are practicing

One asks the other: "Do you want the ball?"

The other one answers: "No thanks, I'll pass."

Who is Monica Lewinsky's favorite football player?

Clinton-Dix, HaHa!

What would you get if you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man?

Football like no one has ever seen.

What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?

Gracias.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four football players are stranded on a deserted island

One of them succumbs to dehydration and the others begin to panic about their own fates. The eldest of them nods grimly and proposes a solution.

"Lads," he says, "it's not nice, but we're going to have to cannibalise him if we want to survive. I play for Liverpool, so I'll eat his liver."
...

Why don't football players get hot during the superbowl?

Because the stadium is filled with fans.

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week.

The exam was “fill in the blank” and the last question read, “Old MacDonald had a_____.” Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one r...

What does a cannibalistic football player say to his teammates before a high five?

“Give me some skin!”

Did you hear about the group of Kansas City football players who all contracted skin infections while smoking marijuana?

The Joint Chiefs of Staph

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you get an LSU football player to stop masturbating?

Paint his penis crimson and white, and he'll never beat it.

Neymar, the Brazilian football player, had his first parenting lesson with his new son this morning.

"Right," said the midwife, "what should you do if he starts crying and having a tantrum?"
"Show him a yellow card and tell him to get up off the f*****g floor," replied the baby....

I wanted to know more about the people who’s job it is to squirt Gatorade into the mouths of football players.

Did a Google search for “Professional Squirters”. I won’t make that mistake again.

I don't understand why people are so mad about football players taking a knee

Its a solid strategy for running out the clock in the 4th quarter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play. The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says

“I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing o...

There are 3 men in a plane going over a city( a little bit long )

The first man is a football player and in the middle of the flight he throws his football out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The second guy is a businessman and a few minutes after the first man he throws his suitcase out the window and says I won’t need this anymore.
The thi...

An airplane was about to crash...

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly...

cheating wife

A man asks his wife, how many times have you cheated on me?

His wife answered: 3 times.

husband: What? When was the the first time?

\_Do you remember when you were a football player, but nobody hired you, but then someone did?

husband: When was the the second time?
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A collection of lightbulb jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just Juan

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just two but who knows how the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loud Snoring At Camp

Four guys were at deer hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Luigi because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Luigi and comes to breakfast the...

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know if a lightbulb is a prostitute?

Its been screwed in and out by teams of scientists, skateboarders, narcissists, every one of the human races, Vietnam vets, Grateful Dead fans, computer scientists, Army Rangers, stoners, Yankee fans, dead babies, roaming hippies, alchoholics, cops, Comcast employees, Jedis, Dragonball-Z characters,...

So I used to love watching football in Egypt when I visit my friends in Morocco, but I’ve been understanding it less and less.

The games keep getting more confusing, it usually goes like: Mohamed passes to Mohamed, and he runs up then passes it to Mohamed, but then Mohamed intercepted the ball. Mohamed is now running up the field and passes it to Mohamed, and Mohamed shoots, but the goalie Mohamed blocks the shot. Then Moha...

Dublin’s Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”

“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”

“Sure is, Patrick.”

“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when sh...

Plane trouble

A plane was about to crash. It had four passengers, but only three parachutes.

First out was a top football player. He said: "My team counts on me, and my millions of fans will be devestated if I die". He took one of the chutes and jumped out.

Next was Donald Trump. He said: "I’m the s...

Can someone integrate this equation?

This joke comes from my father, who taught at a mostly black high school

During a calculus lecture:

"Can someone come to the board and integrate this?" he says, pointing to an equation

He looks around, wondering why no one has answered

Once again, he asks "Can someone com...

Halloween at an Elementary school

All the kids had showed up to school wearing costumes, and their teacher decided that she was going to give a special prize to the spookiest costume among the bunch.

Teacher: Why that's a lovely ladybug costume Susie, though it's not the spooky spirit we need here.

Susie: Aww shucks....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man walked up to me today when I was wearing my Michigan sweatshirt. Without even saying hello, he started telling me...

A beautiful blonde woman visits the doctor for an annual checkup. The doctor looks her over from head to toe doing his routine tests on her. Standing there naked still, the woman asks the doctor if she seems ok. The doctor looks at her and say, "Ma'am, you're perfectly healthy. The only thing I a...

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