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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"

Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."

Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."

Employee:...

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[NSFW] A woman's first time at a sex toy store

Woman: Hello, where are the women's toys?
Cashier: Over on that wall.
W: Ok, can I get the red one?
C: You can't have the fire extinguisher.

Toy Story: Andy's Toys

You know of Woody and Buzz right? Well, coincidentally, Andy's Mom's toys are called Woody and Buzz as well.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

A man walks into a Toy shop...

He walks up to a shop assistant and asks what Barbie dolls the store has as he needs a gift for his daughter, the assistant replies "Come with me and I'll show you". The store assistant brings the man to the Barbie aisle and says "we have a hairdresser Barbie for £20, a BMX Barbie for £35, a footba...

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

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You ever notice “adult toys” only ever refers to things you use for sex...

It never refers to a giant race car or a big nerf gun

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

One night at dinner, he decides to test it out. He asks his son what he did that afternoon.

His son says, "I did some homework". The robot slaps him.

" Alright, alright." His son says. "I went to my friends house and watched a movie."

"What movie?" The father asks.

"Toy ...

I just saw toy story 4 and I had CHILLS

I mean it was my fault I should have grabbed a jacket, and the movie was pretty good too

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

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What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

Why did the Australian get kicked out the toy store?

For throwing shrimp on the Barbie

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The cursed toy (NSFW)

Jim needs to go on a business trip for a few weeks, but he has a nympho of a wife. Being the loving husband he is, he needs to find a way to keep his wife happy while he is away.

He comes up with an idea and goes to a small odds and ends shop in his city to get what his wife needs. When he wa...

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

What do you call it when a toy and an elf have a baby girl?

Lego Lass

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?

Dad: So you won't get bored there

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Where do priests buy their sex toys?

At Boys R Us

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys?

I hear it’s a real blockbuster

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

What is pirate's cat favorite toy?

A ball of yarrrn.

A young boy, a priest and an Italian are waking down the street when they all get run over by a truck and die.

At they gates of heaven they all beg and plead with God to send them back to earth. God agrees on the condition that they each give up what they love the most. They all agree and poof they are back on earth.

They continue waking down the street, all very happy and excited with a new found lov...

Another wooden ball?

Would it kill the makers of avocados to include a different toy, like a mood ring or a novelty eraser?

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Why didn't the brony talk while fuckin' his favorite toy?

'Cause he was feeling a little hoarse

I went into a toy store to do some early Christmas shopping and asked the assistant, "Where are the Schwarzenegger dolls?"

He said, "Aisle B, back."

What is the punchline to this joke my daughter's Fozzie Bear toy says?

My daughter has a muppet babies Fozzie Bear talking toy.

He says numerous phrases including singing the muppet babies theme song and who could forget his memorable catch phrase "wakka wakka"

But then, being the jokester he is, says this:

"Did you ever hear the one about the ba...

So, today was not a good day.....

I decided to go horse back riding, after a few years of not being on one, turned out to be a big mistake, I got on the horse & started out slow, than we went a little faster, before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go, I couldn’t take the pace & fell off, catching my foot i...

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

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Grandma visit...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day ...

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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A man was admitting in the ER last night with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.

Docs say he is in stable condition.

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

New Toy Story announced for 2020, starring Andy’s mum’s toys

That are also called Woody and Buzz.

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

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How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

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A man walks into a sex toy shop

and asks for an inflatable doll. The clerk asks "regular or Muslim?"
The man asks "what's the difference?"
"The Muslim doll blows itself up" the clerk replies.

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What is the best selling sex toy in the animal kingdom?

The armadildo.

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

How much is that barbie in the window?

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have, 'Barbie g...

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What do you call a Jihadi sex toy?

A blow-up doll.

Man goes into a toy store

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for...

A married couple were at a toy store, wanting to get their 5 year old son a gift for his upcoming birthday.

While they were browsing the place, they happened to pass by the plushies isle. Inspecting every plushie, the mother noticed that one of them was very odd. She pointed it out to her husband whom then called an employee.

"Ah yes, said the man, this one is still new here, in fact, it arrived ye...

My Star Wars obsessed son wouldn't stop asking for a car.

So I bought him a toy Yoda.

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What does an Avenger use for a sex toy?

Vibranium

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

I asked my doctor how their day at the hospital was going

He said “well this morning a man came in with agonising pain in his stomach and we did a scan which revealed he had 12 plastic toy horses stuck in his stomach, he was in a critical condition when he first came in, but he’s in a stable condition now.”

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A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I’ve got to make every second count

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

My wife and kids are preparing to leave me over my action figure collecting addiction

They said it's either the toys or us

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

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Young Samuel Jackson (an old one, adapted)

Young Samuel Jackson got a toy train for Christmas one year. His parents set up the track for him, and he happily sat down to play while the parents went about their business.

Sam yelled, "All you motherfuckers gettin on the train, get on the train! All you motherfuckers gettin off the train...

I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid...

Bankrupt and empty inside.

The Perfect Man, the Perfect Woman, and Santa Claus

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. ...

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

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Sometimes in life you need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

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I was walking along the pier with my toy poodle...

When suddenly, she jumped into the water. I panicked but before I could do anything, a German tourist had jumped in to save the poor dog. He swam over, scooped her up, climbed up the ladder and handed me the shivering poodle.

He said “here is ze dog, keep her warm, dry her off and she vill b...

Im a dominatrix with a side business in toys

I sell pro-pain, and pro-pain accessories

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99

Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99

Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99

So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.

The employee replies: That's becaus...

What do toy Batmobiles run on?

Bat-teries

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Just heard this one at work. Clearly the boss is gone lol

A woman goes into a adult toy shop to buy a dildo. She sees one behind the counter and tells the salesman, "I want that one!"

He replies, "It's not for sale."

The woman says, "Please I want *that* one," again he says it's not for sale.

The woman says, "I'll give you a hundred do...

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

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A man goes on a long business trip NSFW

While he is away he is worried his wife will miss him. To prevent this he takes a trip to his local adult store. Having never been there the vast assortment of adult toys takes him by surprise, not knowing what to get, the man approaches the shopkeep and explains his situation. The man smiles and...

I walked past a toy store with a huge line outside.

I asked what was going on and someone mentioned a complimentary lunch, so I joined in.

Bit dissapointing though, turned out to be a free Barbie queue.

Just put Toys R Us General Manager on your resume.

Who are they gonna ask?

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

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What do you call a truck full of dildos?

Toys for Twats

The father says to his son: "I brought all your toys to the orphanage."

The son answers: "Why did you do this?!"

"So you don't get bored."

Toys R Us

More like Toys Were Us (insert depressing drum roll here)

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A man buys a lie detecting robot and brings it home.

Whenever the robot detected a lie, it was programmed to slap the shit out of whoever told the lie.

The man sets the dinner table with the robot and invites his family to eat.

The man starts off the dinner by asking his son what he did after school.

The son said: “I stayed after ...

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I got fired from my job at the toy factory

I was sewing two furry balls on tickle-me-elmo

When the boss asked why, I told him he'd emailed me telling me to do it.

"Please give the Elmo's two test tickles before shipping"

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I’m not a little boy any more

On a boys birthday he says to his mother I’m not a little boy anymore, the mother nods and understands.

Well, the mother says for dinner I guess you don’t want chicken nuggets anymore.

No, no, no, says the boy but instead I can have a grown up knife and fork.

Well, the mother s...

I saw a talking muslim doll in the toy store

I asked the shop owner what it was supposed to say.

"Dunno" he said. "Nobody dared to pull the cord so far."

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A blonde walks into a sex shop

She goes to the toys and starts browsing at the dildos, after a few minutes the cashier comes and ask her what she's looking for.
"Well I have multiple toys, and nothing really seems to satisfy me" she says.
As she says that she hears an awful racket coming from the back, "What's that?" she as...

My comeback against my kid today

Me: *picks up a toy burger from his toy stove while he is cheerfully playing*

Him: Put it back or I'll tell the cops.

Me: Pretty sure they won't bother over some patty crime.

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

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what do you call a sex toy made from Play Doh?

A Dil Doh

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A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
...

A man has some time off...

A man is told by his psychiatrist to have some time off so he decided to go off to Basque to spend some time with a family there to get away from it all. He spends a good few years there with a family with 10 children and enjoys himself tremendously. Feeling thoroughly relaxed and ready to go back t...

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Apparently they make sex toys based on frogs

They're ribbited for your pleasure

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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of the...

It has a few days since Toys R Us closed down.

I guess we should say Toys Were Us

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