Toy Jokes - 95 Hilarious Toy Jokes

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I accidentally lost my toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the finding it.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

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A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ...

Her condition is stable.

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I just got a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi,

It’s brilliant. It has Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

I bought my 2 year old son some toys from the movie Toy Story.

It seemed like a good idea at the time because he loved those movies. Turns out, he didn't like the toys. Wailing, he threw a figurine at the wall, shattering it.

It was a total buzzkill.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."

The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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With the recent spike in toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go ourselves.

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I had a friend who worked in a toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the ! Thanks everyone.

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay , but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I asked the toy store manager where's the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll

He said "Aisle B Back"

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.

"Alright, you sons of , we've arrived at your stop. Get your and get off my damn train!"

Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your , but never like a big race car for grown ups!

What do you call a toy alpaca that has obtained enlightenment?

The Dolly Llama

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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There was company that sold toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

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Bob and Steve bought a struggling toy store.

Bob and Steve bought a struggling toy store and worked in it daily, alternating lunchtimes so they could cover all hours. One day, Steve returned from his lunch to an excited Bob.

"Steve, we made a $300 sale, but there's good and bad news!", Bob said upon his return.

"Okay Bob, giv...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

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[ ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

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What is a terrorist's favorite toy?

A blow-up doll

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I've invented the ultimate toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store?

Barbecue

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

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One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that .

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

Dad finds a toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

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Little boy with a toy train.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you so...

Two guys are in a toy store

Hey dude, has that toy been released yet?

It hasbro.

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Toy Story

What's a mix of and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

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Why do Frogs make for good toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

Toys R Us

Said the stuffed Yoda doll to its stuffed padawans.

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the littl...

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Dear Madam, Thank you for the order at the Toy Shop,

You asked for the big red that is featured on our wall. Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher.
Sincerely.

If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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What do you call the fungus that grows on toys?

Dildew.

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the toys out?

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

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Girls can own as many toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single they're instantly gay.

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They just made a Toy Story

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

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Did you know ISIS has its own toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

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What do you call a toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

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An old woman walked into a toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy?

Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy?

Play D'oh

Where do Santa's elves make the just acceptable toys?

In the satisfactory.

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What do tooth brushes and toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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toys really get me!

They know me inside out!

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

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I can tell my new toy was made in China.

She speaks Chinese.

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? ()

A buildo

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

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What do you call a Christmas toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

inflation.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with ken...

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

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What do you call a toy bear with ?

A tiddy bear

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

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