UPJOKE
dollplaylegochildplasticanimalplaythingdallycollectibleteddy bearminiatureballpetgameyo-yo

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.







(I didn’t write the joke)

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.

So he had to make every second Count.

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

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I'm going to create a startup that sells sex toys to people that aren't sexually attracted to anything.

It's going to be called "Ace Hardware."

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

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What do you call the fungus that grows on sex toys?

Dildew.

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy?

Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

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My girlfriend has a rampant rabbit sex toy.

It's not her favourite, but it's up there...

Dad finds a BDSM toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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The Voodoo sex toy

This man is going to go out of town for the weekend for a conference at his job. He's a good husband to his wife so he doesn't want her to be "alone" while he is away. One night after work, he goes to the adult store in his city. He goes in and looks around at all the sex toys but they all look t...

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

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A guy walks into a sex shop...

to buy his wife a toy while he's away on business. He tells the clerk he needs something that will get the job done as she's difficult to please. The clerk goes in the back, brings up this strange box, and tells the guy he needs to use caution because it is a powerful tool. The guy asks how it's us...

The Story of How The Angel Went on Top of The Christmas Tree

Santa was having a terrible day. The toy factory was broken. Elves weren’t working. Mrs Claus was bugging him about something. He was having to manually make toys out of wood. He was over it. And just as he was hanging on to his lead shred of sanity, he smashed his thumb with a hammer.
And just ...

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Why do Chinese children don't believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

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Dear Madam, Thank you for the order at the Sex Toy Shop,

You asked for the big red that is featured on our wall. Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher.
Sincerely.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

Dad : I donated all your toys to the orphanage kid : why

Dad : so you'll have something to play with when I take you there

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

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Why do Frogs make for good sex toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

How many batteries does the Talking Count Von Count toy take?

1 AAA

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

Wandering round Liverpool yesterday with my wife and our toddler son, when he decided to have a tantrum, throwing his favourite red toy car out of his buggy.

By the time I picked it up, it was blue and had new number plates.

A child psychologist had twin boys

one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games.

In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings. That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying. “What’s wr...

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There once was a man who loved tractors

I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His high sch...

I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one

Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.

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To spice things up in bed, my wife said she was going to buy the sex toy she thought I would enjoy the most.

Boy, she really has me pegged.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

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Octopus sitting

So my friend was going away for the weekend and he has a pet octopus. He asked if I would look after it while he was gone and I agreed.

So I go over, and he explains what to feed it and when. How to keep the tank clean, keeping it stimulated, those kinds of things. And then he hands me a spad...

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Voodoo Dildo

There's this older, very wealthy fellow. Of course, being very wealthy, he snagged himself a younger and smoking hot wife. Well today he accepted he can't have sex anymore because viagra has ceased to work with him, so he goes to the adult shop to get his wife a toy instead.

He walks up to th...

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

Just bought a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi.

It came with Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

Trump as president visiting kindergarten, school and prison...

So, Trump with Mike Pence visits institutions around US to see what he can do to make infrastructure better for people.
First, kindergarten. He sees leaking roof, worn out toys and playground, underpayed teachers.
- Mike, write down, let's donate from federal budget 1 milion $ to each kinderg...

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

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I think my best friend is shagging my wife

I wouldn't mind, but he keeps leaving his chew toys on the pillow.

There's an old man who lives next door to me.

He wanted to get his grandson a gift for his birthday, but he couldn't remember the name.

He called me and asked me about the name of that toy that "always comes back to you".

Long story short, the boomer rang.

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

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I'm pretty careless about maintaining my sex toys

Although when it comes to cleaning butt plugs, I'm anal-retentive.

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

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What do Toy Trains and Boobies have in common?

They're meant for the kids, but dad likes to play with them too.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

For all the toys he brings to the good little girls and boys.



What were you thinking, you perv?!?

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck....

Not really a joke, I just need an explanation

So I came across a joke in a game that I don’t understand. The character (a puppet with a spring) said “guess this makes me a Jack-outta-the-box. Which I’d also never do.” [it’s from a game called Don’t Toy With Me]

What does this mean?? Is it a dirty joke?(if it’s nsfw, I’ll edit the post)

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

Two guys are in a toy store

Hey dude, has that toy been released yet?

It hasbro.

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

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Lie Detecting Robot

A father buys a lie-detecting robot that slaps a person when he lies. He decides to test it out on his son at supper. “Where were you last night?” “I was at the library.” The robot slaps the son. “Okay, I was at a friend’s house.” “Doing what?” asks the father. “Watching a movie, Toy Story.” The rob...

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

Toys R Us

Said the stuffed Yoda doll to its stuffed padawans.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

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A couple has sex everyday

But one day the man has to go on a business trip and his wife says to him "how am I gonna get by without you" so the husband suggest that he and the wife go to an adult toy store to find something the wife could use but after going to all but one of the stores in town and they couldn't find anything...

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

What do you call a 2’ Amishman?

A Toy-Yoder

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

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Movie director once said that

Bitches be having 5 dildos, 3 vibrators and a butt plug talking about "𝘮𝘺 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦'𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦"

Yeah, a Toy Story.

A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey...

got any Snapes?”

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy...

I call it her Dolly Llama!!!

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

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What does Kendrick Lamar say when loaning out his sex toys?

Bitch don't kill my vibe.

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

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My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy?

Play D'oh

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

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