A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

What are Andy's mum's toys called?

Buzz and Woody.

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

Disney is like a little kid in a toy store.

They want to buy every single thing in sight, and when they get them, they destroy the hell out of them.

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

Whats a popular toy of the old generation?

A Boomerang.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

I had to go to the hospital last night as I had a Disney toy stuck up my bum..

The doctor took the Mickey out of me.

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

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What do toy trains and titties have in common?

They are both meant for the kids but it's usually the dad that ends up playing with them.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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NSFW Toy Story Joke

What did Bo Peep say when Buzz walked in on her and Woody having sex?

You've got a friend in me.

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

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The train under the tree.

So there's a boy on Christmas playing with a toy train set beneath the Christmas tree. He sends the train around and stops it at the little train station and says, "All you fuckers getting on, get on, all your fuckers getting off, get off."

Well his mom hears him from the kitchen and steps in...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

Why didn't the toy manufacturer do it with his wife tonight?

Small parts are choking hazards.

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

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The voodoo dildo

*A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.*

*So he went to a store that sold sex toys and starte...

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

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A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot sl...

You get what you paid for

So a little girl is walking on the sidewalk, a car stops and a man says "come in the car, I'll give you candy" the girl says " no, I'll walk"...5 min. later the same car stops again and the man says "I'll take you home, I'll give you a whole bag of chocolate" the girl says "no, I'll just walk home"...

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

My youngest son put my oldest son’s toy train in his mouth

I guess that makes it a chew-chew train

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

My next door neighbor's 9 year old came over and had to tell me this joke I don't know what was funnier.Her trying to tell me that joke without laughing or the joke itself.

There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. So the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?"

The bull replies,"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

A man walks into a Toy shop...

He walks up to a shop assistant and asks what Barbie dolls the store has as he needs a gift for his daughter, the assistant replies "Come with me and I'll show you". The store assistant brings the man to the Barbie aisle and says "we have a hairdresser Barbie for £20, a BMX Barbie for £35, a footba...

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"

Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."

Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."

Employee:...

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

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Today hasn't been the greatest.

I got the chance to go horse back riding, something I haven't done in a while. Big mistake. I got on the horse and started out slowly, but I got cocky. So we started going a little faster and before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. And when I tried to stop the horse, I couldn'...

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I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire

I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

Another joke about Tommy, who has no arms and legs

Tommy was in the garden, playing in the sandbox. As he has no arms, he uses his mouth to pick up the shovels and his other sandbox toys.

As Tommy is happily playing along, his mother opens the window of their flat - which is on the 50th floor - and shouts: "Tommy! Lunch is ready!". Because to...

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

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What’s the most popular Star Wars action figure in Japan?

Toy-Yoda.

Two guys go to a toy store

Guy 1: Whats this?
Guy 2: Thats a puzzle, you break it and try to put it back together
Guy 1: Oh! I already have a puzzle, it's my relationship with my wife

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

What’s Luke Skywalker’s favorite car brand ?

It’s ToYoda.

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What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

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The cursed toy (NSFW)

Jim needs to go on a business trip for a few weeks, but he has a nympho of a wife. Being the loving husband he is, he needs to find a way to keep his wife happy while he is away.

He comes up with an idea and goes to a small odds and ends shop in his city to get what his wife needs. When he wa...

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

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The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

What do you call it when a toy and an elf have a baby girl?

Lego Lass

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GUY AT BAR: *[up in my face]* what the fuck did you just say to me?!

**ME:** I said “Stuart Little doesn’t drive a toy car, it is a car that has simply been made to be very small”

**GUY AT BAR: [smashing bottle]** that doesn’t make any fucking sense!

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

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I thought my parents were buying me a car for Christmas

And all I got was a shitty toy Yoda.

A Man Is Obsessed With Tractors

A man named John is obsessed with tractors. So obsessed that he has posters of tractors on his wall, tractor toys and even tractor bedsheets.

One day, John meets a woman and they start dating. But the woman is tired of all the tractor related items in Johns home.

Girl: John I really ...

Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys?

I hear it’s a real blockbuster

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.

They said they dont give a flying fuck.

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

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Almost done shopping for sex toys. Just gotta grab a dildo for my lady friend.

Then that should do her.

A dad is like toys

My mom won’t let me have it

What did the Chinese boy get for Christmas?

The toy he made.

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Where do priests buy their sex toys?

At Boys R Us

A boy and a girl were best friends since they were kids

They used to play with wooden toy pirates after school, using ventilation shafts in each others' houses as their place to get away from their family issues.

They used to play in these tunnels for years, until eventually they grew too old for this. However, they still stayed friends, and afte...

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I'm starting a charity for girls that can't afford to buy vibrators

It's called **Toys for Twats**

Nice Dad

Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

New Toy Story announced for 2020, starring Andy’s mum’s toys

That are also called Woody and Buzz.

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Why didn't the brony talk while fuckin' his favorite toy?

'Cause he was feeling a little hoarse

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There was a man who recently started dating an extremely attractive woman

Soon he found out that he was required to spend 3 weeks in Hong Kong for work. He thought to himself "Damn, I'm going for 3 weeks and knowing the needs of my girlfriend, I'm sure she'll cheat on me".

He decides to go to a sex shop so that he could buy something with which his girlfriend could...

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

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A man was admitting in the ER last night with a toy horse stuck in his rectum.

Docs say he is in stable condition.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

A Christmas Story

One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Cla...

Contagious

At school one day, Little Johnny's teacher asks the class to use the word "contagious" in a sentence...

Cindy raises her hand. "Yes, Cindy?" She answers, "I was at the dentist's office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contag...

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

Every morning, I stay in bed until I've watched Toy Story all the way through from start to finish.

That way I always wake up with a morning Woody.

If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

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What do you call a truckload of dildos?

Toys for twats.

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A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

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How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

The world was calmly doing their business when a new toy was released.

It was a battery-powered robot named Mister Edward that took the world by storm. Mister Edward toys were even connected to the internet. Eventually a virus started to spread which caused all the Mister Edward toys to attempt to destroy all of humanity. They eventually started succeeding, and the pop...

Better be Good

**Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with a young adolescent.**

**Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus, reminded the tw...

What beer do the cast of Toy Story drink?

Buzz Light.

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I’ve got to make every second count

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A man walks into a sex toy shop

and asks for an inflatable doll. The clerk asks "regular or Muslim?"
The man asks "what's the difference?"
"The Muslim doll blows itself up" the clerk replies.

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What is the best selling sex toy in the animal kingdom?

The armadildo.

A child psychologist had twin boys—one was an optimist; the other, a pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on Christmas Day he loaded the pessimist’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.

That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.

“What’s wrong?” the father asked.

“I have a ton of game manuals to read … I need batteries … and my toys will all eventually get broken!” sobbed the pessimist.

Passing the optimist’s room, the father fou...

Why was Andy from Toy Story's girlfriend disappointed?

Andy's "Woody" wasn't quite what she was expecting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does an Avenger use for a sex toy?

Vibranium

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Going to the toy store with your mother as a child is normal.

Going to the toy store with your mother as an adult is weird.

I don't get it though.

I'm an adult.

She's an adult.

The sign says 'Adult Toy Store'

Fucking double standards.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

I don't wanna grow up, I wanna be a Toys 'R' Us kid...

Bankrupt and empty inside.

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My wife's sex toy collection is getting out of control but I don't think i can confront her...

The dick is stacked against me.

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

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A successful bussinessman has a work trip coming up and hes worried that his beautiful girlfriend will cheat on him when he is gone

So he goes to the best sex shop in town and starts looking through the toys. He sees dildos but doesn't feel they'll do the trick. He sees vibrators but also doesnt feel safe, so he goes to the owner. He asks for the best sex toy available. The owner goes to the back of the shop and gets a wooden bo...

The father says to his son: "I brought all your toys to the orphanage."

The son answers: "Why did you do this?!"

"So you don't get bored."

Toys R Us black friday deals suck this year, don't waste your time...

...travel equipment.

Im a dominatrix with a side business in toys

I sell pro-pain, and pro-pain accessories

What do toy Batmobiles run on?

Bat-teries

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