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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

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What do Toy Trains and Boobies have in common?

They're meant for the kids, but dad likes to play with them too.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage.

I just didn't want him to get bored over there.

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Where do toy stores keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

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A man walks into an adult toy store.

A man walks into an adult toy store. He is a business man who is arranging to go on a long work trip away from his wife. Afraid that his wife might get sexually frustrated and cheat on him, he has decided to buy her a sex toy to keep her busy while he is away. He walks up to the clerk and asks to be...

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

My toy helicopters are really popular

They’re flying off the shelves

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

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How are toy trains similar to boobs?

Both are made for kids but dad is the one who gets the most out of them

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Met a guy down the pub who was wanting to give me free shares in his new company selling innovative learning toys to teach Pythagorean theory.

I said "O.k pal, what's the angle?"

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas?

Nothing. He was speechless.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

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It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. Th...

What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill?

A barbie-que

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl.

The toy was called Stretch Marx.

What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy?

Play D'oh

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

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What do you call a toy bear with boobs?

A tiddy bear

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

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Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...?

We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.

Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".

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My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit

It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there.

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Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

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Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first sex toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses.

Doctors say I'm stable.

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

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Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

My baby sister just threw a toy horse at me

I told her to hold her horses

POV: you're a dog.

What do you call a chew toy?

Oppor-*chew*\-nity

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

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The girl finally got her money for her sex toy video.

One could call it a ‘vibe check’

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I’m starting a second hand sex toy drive

It’s called Toys for Twats.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

Batteries

This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

Even Santa can have a bad day.

There he was one Christmas Eve many years ago, he'd had a runner break on the sleigh and had elves working round the clock to fix it; the toy workshop had a hole in the roof and half the year's run of toys were ruined by rainwater; two of the reindeer had colic and he had to drag two elderly ones ou...

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A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation.

A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Whats a popular toy of the old generation?

A Boomerang.

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

What kind of cars do Jedi’s drive?

A Toy-Yoda

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Sometimes you just need to stop, look deep inside yourself...

And find that sex toy you lost.

A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which ...

A man walks into a bar with a dog

“We don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“Oh but this dog can talk!” Says the man. “Look: Dog, how’s your day going?”

“Rough!” Says the dog.

“Nice try,” says the bartender. “But seriously, take the dog out.”

“No, he can really talk!” Says the man. “Let me try ...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

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NSFW Toy Story Joke

What did Bo Peep say when Buzz walked in on her and Woody having sex?

You've got a friend in me.

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

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