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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

I bought my 5-year-old a toy iPhone that looks like a real one

Now someone keeps calling about an extended warranty on his Little Tikes car.

I asked the toy store sales assistant if they had any Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures in store...

She replied "Aisle B, back".

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

My genitals can transform from one Toy Story character to another depending on how much I wash them

They go from a Woody to a Stinky Pete

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

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To spice things up in bed, my wife said she was going to buy the sex toy she thought I would enjoy the most.

Boy, she really has me pegged.

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What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

Did you hear about Walmart's new business model?

Walmart bought the rights to Toys-R-Us and is merging with it. They are changing the mascot from a giraffe to a sea mammal, though.

They're gonna call it, Wal-R-Us.

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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A man was rushed to hospital with 6 toy horses stuck up his ass...

The doctors describe his condition as stable.

Two guys are in a toy store

Hey dude, has that toy been released yet?

It hasbro.

How come chinese kids dont belive in santa claus?

Because they're the ones that make the toys.

Did you hear about the kid who was hospitalized for swallowing six of his plastic toy horses?

The doctor described his condition as stable.

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A lady goes to a sex toy shop.

A lady walks into a sex toy shop.
She kept on refusing the products because of the size, which irritated the shopkeeper.

Then she asks him - “how much for that red one?”

Shopkeeper - “Mam that’s a fire extinguisher!!”

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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

Toys R Us

Said the stuffed Yoda doll to its stuffed padawans.

I know a bit early but .....,

A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
per-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more...

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck....

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

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What do Toy Trains and Boobies have in common?

They're meant for the kids, but dad likes to play with them too.

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

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Sex toys really get me!

They know me inside out!

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy...

I call it her Dolly Llama!!!

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

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What does Kendrick Lamar say when loaning out his sex toys?

Bitch don't kill my vibe.

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A little boy dressed in a cowboy costume...

A little boy wearing a cowboy costume walks into an ice cream shop.
The lady behind the counter says, "Don't you look dashing in your cowboy outfit! What can I get for you 'lil partner?"

"I want an ice cream sundae with lots of chocolate and nuts!"

She says, "Do you want your nuts c...

Little Mikey

Little Mikey Tomlinson loved his school. He lived in a little fishing village and his mom was the school teacher. The school had a tradition. If it was your birthday you got to choose the fish for lunch and any toy you wanted from the toy chest. For months he had his eye on a replica AC cobra hot wh...

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

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Two parents want to have sex

Their 7 years old son was in the room, so they tell him to go on the balcony to play with his toys

After the boy leaves they start having fun, after about 10 minutes the husband says:

-We should talk to him while he's on the balcony, i don't want him to feel alone

-Yeah, you're ...

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

One of my older friends called me the other day

He was born in the 50's and his grandson's birthday was coming up.

He was planning on getting him one of those toys that are supposed to always come back. He couldn't remember what it was called, so I reminded him.

Long story short, the boomer rang.

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

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What do you call a brand new Baby Yoda buttplug?

A **Toy Yoda Pre-Ass.**

I came up with this in a hot parking lot and it just stuck in my brain.

A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey...

got any Snapes?”

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My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

Father: Son, i donated your toys to the Orphanage.

Son: Why did you do that?
Father : So you don't get bored there

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

My toy helicopters are really popular

They’re flying off the shelves

What kind of car does a Star Wars memorabilia collector drive?

a Toy-Yoda

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A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night,,,,

..... Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They got back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window s...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

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Medical Problem

A man was admitted to hospital today with twenty-five toy horses stuffed up his rectum. doctors have listed his condition as 'stable'.

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

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The dress of love

A young woman is about to get married and wants to make her first night with her husband to be as special as possible. While she is wedding planning with her mother, aunt and grandma she decides to ask them what she should do during the wedding night to get her husband really going. Her mom goes fir...

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas?

Nothing. He was speechless.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill?

A barbie-que

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl.

The toy was called Stretch Marx.

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

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Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

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Whiskas (the cat food company) are missing out on so much money

They can just start producing sex toys and they don't even have to change their slogan

"Your cat is going to love Whiskas"

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

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What do you call a toy bear with boobs?

A tiddy bear

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

It's fairly normal if you talk to your dolls and toys.

It's totally not if they talk back.

TIFU - I made a bad decision and now I can't get my laptop fixed.

FYI This is a story from last year, not today.

So I had a laptop that was playing up. The screen kept going all janky. One day there was a popping noise and a smell of burning plastic, so I thought that was enough and I contacted the service department.

I found out they had an office...

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Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first sex toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

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I always tell my customers to go fuck themselves!

I'm a sex toys sales person.

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

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The girl finally got her money for her sex toy video.

One could call it a ‘vibe check’

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I’m starting a second hand sex toy drive

It’s called Toys for Twats.

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

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