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Toy Jokes

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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What does boobs and toys have in common?

They’re made for kids but daddies end up playing with them.

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A woman was rushed to the hospital after stuffing 30 toy horses up her ass...

Her condition is stable.

Andy’s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say butt

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I ordered a sex toy

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a 1:1 scale replica of my wife's vagina. When it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at the window, waiting for the postman. Finally, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn and blowing around in the b...

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

Kid: Waaaahhhhh! MY TOY IS BROKEN!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape can't fix.
Kid: mrnm... mmrm.. rnmr...

I bought my 2 year old son some toys from the movie Toy Story.

It seemed like a good idea at the time because he loved those movies. Turns out, he didn't like the toys. Wailing, he threw a figurine at the wall, shattering it.


It was a total buzzkill.

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

Dad: I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why are you doing that?
Dad: So you don't get bored there.

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?

Aisle B, back.

I just got a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi,

It’s brilliant. It has Aldi kings horses and Aldi kings men.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

I asked the toy store manager where's the Arnold Schwarzenegger doll

He said "Aisle B Back"

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

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I tried to submit a patent for a gold-plated butt plug, but Steve Jobs beat me to it.

It turns out, he was already making overpriced toys for assholes

[Obligatory edit: top submitted post is about butt plugs. Wowza! Also, thank you, kind Redditor for the gold! I can't believe a gilded joke is about sex toys :)]

What do you call a toy alpaca that has obtained enlightenment?

The Dolly Llama

Stop sending toys to children in Africa

It's gotta be depressing, getting a Tamagotchi that will outlive you.

Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?

Because they make the toys.

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Why are neo-Nazis the highest per-capita consumers of men's sex toys?

Because they prefer their flesh light.

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

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Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store.

Bob and Steve bought a struggling sex toy store and worked in it daily, alternating lunchtimes so they could cover all hours. One day, Steve returned from his lunch to an excited Bob.

"Steve, we made a $300 sale, but there's good and bad news!", Bob said upon his return.

"Okay Bob, giv...

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What's the deal with 'adult toys'?

I mean they always refer to things you can shove up your asshole, but never like a big race car for grown ups!

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My girlfriend has a rampant rabbit sex toy.

It's not her favourite, but it's up there...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

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[ NSFW ] Little billy is out back in his yard, playing with his toy airplane when his mother happens to glance out of the open window.

8 year old Billy "flies" his toy airplane around, making engine noises until it, presumably at it's imaginary destination, comes screeching to a halt.

" Ladies and gentlemen", says billy, pretending to be the captain. "Everyone getting the hell out should get the hell out. And anyone getting ...

I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage

Son: Why?

Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.

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What is a terrorist's favorite sex toy?

A blow-up doll

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I've invented the ultimate sex toy, the Fetish-o-matic 3000!

Not quite ready for mass production though, still working out the kinks.

What is a orphan's favorite toy?

A boomerang! They know it will always come back.

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What do Toy Trains and Boobies have in common?

They're meant for the kids, but dad likes to play with them too.

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The Voodoo sex toy

This man is going to go out of town for the weekend for a conference at his job. He's a good husband to his wife so he doesn't want her to be "alone" while he is away. One night after work, he goes to the adult store in his city. He goes in and looks around at all the sex toys but they all look t...

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

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I finally tried one of those male masturbation toys...

It sucked!!!

How to call a line of people waiting to buy the new Barbie doll at a toy store?

Barbecue

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the n...

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

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What do womens' breasts & toy trains have in common?

There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.

Buying a Barbie doll for my niece at a toy store

I asked the salesperson if Barbie came with Ken. She replied" Oh no. Barbie dates Ken. She comes with G.I. Joe."

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One of the babies on the Intensive Care Unit is playing with a toy donkey

ICU baby, shaking that ass.

How can Santa afford all the toys he hands out?

With the money he makes off his ho-ho-hos.

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A father buys a lie detector

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend'...

If I was a toy then what toy would I be?

Choking hazard for 12 and below.

Dad finds a BDSM toys set in his daughter's room

"Well, I'm assuming that punishing you is pointless..."

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Little boy with a toy train.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you so...

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Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

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Why do Frogs make for good sex toys?

They’re ribbited for your pleasure.

Toys R Us

Said the stuffed Yoda doll to its stuffed padawans.

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Dear Madam, Thank you for the order at the Sex Toy Shop,

You asked for the big red that is featured on our wall. Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher.
Sincerely.

Two guys are in a toy store

Hey dude, has that toy been released yet?

It hasbro.

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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What do you call the fungus that grows on sex toys?

Dildew.

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

What's the difference between Woody from Toy Story, and a Catholic priest?

One goes limp when a child walks in the room.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

The five kids answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

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A husband bought his wife a new sex toy for her birthday...

and it was voice operated. It was newest model of Vibro-dick: self-propelled and voice activated.

He brought it home to his from the sex shop in a gift wrapped box with a bow. She unwrapped the box and was surprised.

"Honey, I've never used a sex toy. I don't know if I'll like."
...

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the littl...

Titles of books you probably don't want your kid to read.

"You're Different and That's Bad."

"Why cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Socket be Friends?"

"Let's Find and Play With Mommy and Daddy's Toys."

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

A guy walks into an adult toy store.

He walks up to the clerk and says, I'd like to buy a blow up doll." The clerk asks, "Male or female?" "Female." "Black or white" "White." "Christian or Muslim?" Curious, the guy says, "Muslim." "Regular or radicalized extremist?" The clerk asks. "What's the difference?" the guy says. "The radicali...

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

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Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory?

There specialise in blow up dolls

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A business man is leaving his wife for a week and has concerns about her straying while away.

He visits a number of adult toy stores looking for something that will keep his wife "busy" while he's gone. After hours of searching he eventually stumbles into a Chinese Herb and Erotic Tincture shop in Chinatown. After telling the old man running the store of his dilemma, the old shopkeeper think...

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What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

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An old woman walked into a sex toy shop...

She wandered in the shop for a couple of minutes and finally she stopped and asked the vendor: How much is this one? He replied: Ma'am, that's a fire extinguisher.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

Not bragging, but I made six figures last year,

so they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory.

A boy was riding his toy firetruck down the street

A passerby saw that the firetruck was being pulled by a dog. The rope used to pull it was tied around the dogs privates, and as a result the boy was being pulled along rather slowly.
The passerby suggested that perhaps the boy would be able to go faster if he tied the rope around the dogs neck....

Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy?

Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.

Seeing my son throw tantrums about going to the toy store makes me so mad

All he does is make excuses and I'm afraid he might get fired from his position any day.

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy?

Play D'oh

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

Two elves are winding down in the North Pole bar after a long day of making toys.

After downing some shots of peppermint schnapps, the first elf says to the second, “That COVID outbreak in China has really messed up the toy production schedule. I don’t think Santa has ever pushed us so hard!”.

The second one added, “Yeah, things were so bad today that Rudolph and Blitzen...

Where do Santa's elves make the just acceptable toys?

In the satisfactory.

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What do tooth brushes and sex toys have in common?

They're better when they vibrate.

Politicians go visit a school

High ranking politicians visit a school. The top one goes over the expenses and decides to make adjustments to cut costs.
"The lunch portions are too big. Cut them in half. Internet connection too fast. Too many computers."

After that, they go to a preschool. Again, the expenses are too ...

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Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...?

We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.

Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".

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Sex toys really get me!

They know me inside out!

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

Which Lord of the Rings character was upset because he had no toys to play with?

Legoless.

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NSFW Toy Story Joke

What did Bo Peep say when Buzz walked in on her and Woody having sex?

You've got a friend in me.

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What do you call a sex toy that also serves as a hole-maker?

A drilldo

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

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I can tell my new sex toy was made in China.

She speaks Chinese.

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

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A Muslim started a line of sex toys ...

He specializes in blow up dolls.

In the toy shop in my area, packet balloons cost $0.10 each, but $10 when filled with air?

God damn inflation.

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

A father goes to a toy store...

And ask for a barbie for his daughter birthday

"are you looking for anything in special?"

"what do you have?"

"we have nurse Barbie for $40, Barbie Astronaut for $60, divorce Barbie for $300 "

"wait, why is divorce barbie so expensive?"

"Because it comes with ken...

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

Why couldn’t the North Pole make enough toys this year?

Because they are short-staffed!

At school one day, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to use the word “contagious” in a sentence…

Cindy raises her hand. “Yes, Cindy?” She answers, “I was at the dentist’s office with my mom, and she said not to play with the toys in the waiting room because the other kids were contagious.”

“Very good, Cindy!” the teacher said, “Anyone else want to try?” Samantha raises her hand. “Yes, Sa...

Why did Santa outsource the North Pole's toy making services?

Because the resources at home were in 'short' supply

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What do you call a toy bear with boobs?

A tiddy bear

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

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How are breasts like toy trains?

They're both meant for kids but grown men can't resist playing with them.

When I die I’m leaving my body to “Toys For Tots”.

I think children all over the world will behave a whole lot better if they knew that if they were bad Santa might bring them a rotting corpse for Christmas.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

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