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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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I had a friend who worked in a sex toy warehouse. He was killed when a pallet of dildos dropped from a lift and smashed him...

...hit him like a ton of pricks.

WOW, #2 on r/jokes! I'm the shit! Thanks everyone.

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A man was admitted to the hospital today with 20 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum.

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

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A friend of mine got rushed to hospital because he put a toy pony up his butt

Personally, I pity the foal.

In case you're worried about him - don't, he's in a stable condition

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What do you call a sex toy that isn't used for penetration?

A dildon't

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What did the sex toy store employee tell the customer that was buying a dildo?

Thank you for your purchase. Go fuck yourself.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

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What does Kendrick Lamar say when loaning out his sex toys?

Bitch don't kill my vibe.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

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What do toy trains and boobs have in common?

They're both made for kids but daddies get to play with em.

NSFW: My wife suggested bringing toys into the bedroom to spice things up.

So I fisted her with hulk hands.

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Toy Story felt was so incomplete.

Who let the sex toys out?

A duck walked into a Harry Potter toy store, and he said to the man, running the store: “hey...

got any Snapes?”

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My friend has a lucrative business supplying batteries for sex toys at the coast.

She sells C cells by the sea shore.

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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

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Girls can own as many sex toys as they like to without any repercussion

But when a guy own a single dildo they're instantly gay.

What’s a rappers favourite toy?

A yo yo!

This guy born in the 50's called me to ask me the name of that toy that's supposed to come back to you

The boomer rang

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Where do toy stores keep the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

A friend of mine once ate a couple of toy horses.

The doctor said not to worry, his condition is stable now.

What do you call an adult toy that needs assembly? (Nsfw)

A buildo

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.

They were made for the sink.

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Did you hear the one about the blonde who worked at the toy factory?

The manager asked her “why do all of these Tickle Me Elmo dolls have two red balls attached?

She replied “I thought you said that every doll was supposed to get two test-tickles”

What do you call a toy that puts you in a better mood?

A positive vibe

My toy helicopters are really popular

They’re flying off the shelves

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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test out the robot at dinner one night. The father asks his son what his son did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some homework.” The robot slaps the son.

The son says, “Ok, ok. I was at a friend’s house watching a movie.” The dad asks, “What movie did you watch?” The son sa...

My son was upset that I gave all his toys to the orphanage.

I just didn't want him to get bored over there.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

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Two kids are watching their parents get ready for a family get together…

They overhear the mom and dad talking and they hear them say “that judgy cunt and pompous asshole” while the parents are talking in their bedroom. They ask, what does judgy cunt and pompous asshole mean? The mom, surprised and unaware to their presence, says, “oh never mind that sweethearts, that’s ...

How do you buy unlimited kid's toys?

Well first, you add a kid's item to your cart.

And then another...

And then another...

Add infant item

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

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A tractor joke

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

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I always tell my customers to go fuck themselves!

I'm a sex toys sales person.

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What do you call a Christmas sex toy drive?

Toys for Thots.

A child point his finger at a toy plane attached to the ceiling

And he says to his mum “mum I really want to be like that airplane when I grow up!”

His mother: “why? Because it flies really high?”

Him:”no, because it’s hanging from the ceiling”

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

A man goes to a toy store

A man goes to a toy store to buy a barbie doll for his daughter and asks the clerk what do barbies cost.

The clerk answers that the shopper barbie is 24,90, beach barbie 24,90, space barbie 29,90 and the divorce barbie is 199,90.

The confused man asks the clerk why the divorce barbie i...

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

What do you call it when a barbie toy is in a line for a grill?

A barbie-que

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

Why do cuddly toys never eat?

Because they are stuffed

Do you know what my dog said when I surprised him with his new favorite chew toy this Christmas?

Nothing. He was speechless.

As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...

My dad remarked that this wasn’t the kind of puppy that needed batteries.

Merry Christmas!

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Why humans are a better option than sex toys?

*You don't have to clean them.*

If Toys-R-Us sells toys

Then Babies-R-Us must sell babies

Teacher asks their class of children to come up with a sentence beginning with "I"

After a few children come to the front with predictable statements about having a cat or a certain toy, a child steps up and says
"I is-" and is immediately interrupted by the teacher,
"I *am*!"
She side-eyes the teacher, frowns and ignores her teacher, starting again
"I is-" aga...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

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The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

Back in the 1980s the soviets had their own version of the American toy Stretch Armstrong. They modeled it after their hero, Karl.

The toy was called Stretch Marx.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

What is Homer Simpson's favorite toy?

Play D'oh

Why don't chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys.

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

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Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

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What do you call a toy bear with boobs?

A tiddy bear

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

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Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...?

We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.

Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first sex toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

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(I saw this as a meme, but haven't found it on this sub yet so here it goes) Pixar's movies always have the same idea

What if x has feelings?

Examples:

Toy Story: What if toys have feelings

Cars: What if cars have feelings

Inside Out: What if feelings have feelings

Soul: What if black people have feelings?

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The girl finally got her money for her sex toy video.

One could call it a ‘vibe check’

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I’m starting a second hand sex toy drive

It’s called Toys for Twats.

It's fairly normal if you talk to your dolls and toys.

It's totally not if they talk back.

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

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My wife really likes her Rampant Rabbit

It's not her favourite sex toy, but it's definitely right up there.

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Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

A man takes a job at a you factory

He is hired on to work the production line for Tickle me Elmo. He settles into his position, is given a quick set of instructions by his new supervisor and set to work. After finishing the instructions, the supervisor says: "It's super easy. Let me know if you have any questions. I'm check back in ...

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

POV: you're a dog.

What do you call a chew toy?

Oppor-*chew*\-nity

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

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A man enters a crowded ER after having lost a toy up his anus. The doctors are swamped with more urgent cases but the triage nurse sends the man to an empty or and tells him that he’ll be performing his own operation.

A doctor comes up to the nurse and says “how do you expect that man to know how to perform such a complex procedure?” The nurse says “Oh, I’m sure he’ll finger it out”.

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

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an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

Batteries

This year I'm getting my kids a set of batteries for christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

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