Dad: I'm giving all your toys to an orphanage.

Son: Why?!

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

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Q: What does a Mighty Morphin Power Rangers fan say when they get their first sex toy?

A: Magic wand, make my monster grow!

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There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

why cant a plush toy get pregnant?

its a plush toy you idiot

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A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.

He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."



The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an a...

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Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

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With the recent spike in sex toy purchases because of corona virus, I can only draw one conclusion.

The virus is literally making us go fuck ourselves.

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What do you call a toy bear with boobs?

A tiddy bear

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

What do you call a knockoff Hasbro toy?

My Little Phony

Just been admitted to hospital after accidentally sitting on 2 of my son's plastic toy horses.

Doctors say I'm stable.

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My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

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Why are boobs like toys?

They’re meant for kids but dad can’t keep his hands off of them.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

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I’m starting a second hand sex toy drive

It’s called Toys for Twats.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

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I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

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They just made a Toy Story porn

It’s called “You’ve got a friend in me”

As a toy manufacturer, I've always believed that only kids know what kids want

Which is why I only open factories in China.

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant: “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says. “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks. “Why is Divorced Barbie...

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The girl finally got her money for her sex toy video.

One could call it a ‘vibe check’

What’s the best part about getting a toy from Bobby Brown?

Battery included

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My girlfriend buys old sex toys for money and records herself using them.

She’s a pawn star and a porn star.

What are Andy's mum's toys called?

Buzz and Woody.

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Did Andy's Mom from Toy story have a dildo...?

We cant confirm or deny. Theres so many questions to ask.

Is it alive? like other toys because it is by definition an adult "toy".

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.

He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel h...

Timmy, and his Grandma were walking through the park...

Out of nowhere, Timmy spots 5 dollars on the ground. He tried to pick it up, but his Grandma said : "Don't pick up dirty things from the ground! " Quite sad, Timmy and his Grandmother start walking again.

After a while, Timmy finds a lost toy. Timmy has wanted this toy for ages, so he tries t...

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A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

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A father buys a robot that slaps people when they lie.

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he
did that afternoon.

Son: "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps the son....

Son: "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house wat...

One Christmas Eve Santa comes down the chimney

He is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?", Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."

So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with m...

Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa?

Because they make the toys

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

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There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone...

because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to p...

Where do toy stores keep their Schwarzenegger action figures?

Aisle B, back.

Did anyone else have one of those Tomogachi-type Digimon toys as a kid? I used to love that thing.

Really prepared my wrist for this quarantine.

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What do you call an anal sex toy that is constantly self advertising?

A shameless plug

Why can't toys made from paper move

Because they are stationary.

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

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New bordello opened

New bordello opened. They will make every sexual wish come true, but if client can't pay, they will ask a butcher from neighboring meat shop to cut part of your body.

So, one day came russian oligarch. He fucked everyone in the bordello. Female prostitutes, male prostitutes, barman, barmaid a...

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

I have one of these (Long)

Little boy and little girl were playing in the sandbox when little boy gets an evil grin on his face and proudly displays his sand shovel to the little girl.

“I have one of these,” he exclaims, knowing she has no toys.

Little girl leaves the sandbox, running home crying.

She ret...

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Two sons: one’s an annoying optimist, and the other is an insufferable pessimist.

Their parents were concerned about both of them, so they took them to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.

After listening to their concerns, the Psychiatrist says:

“Aha, I think I can help you! For your pessimistic son, you will buy him the best and most expensive toys, place them in this...

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

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What is another name for Male Sex Toys or Technology you use?

Erectronics

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A few days ago, my friend compared me to a Happy Meal, Her reasoning was that i'm cute and a bundle of happiness.

I thought that that was interesting, because I also cum with a toy.

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A man asks his son what he wants for christmas...

A man asks his son what he wants for christmas. His son, simply says : "You know dad, I'd really like a yellow ball".

The father is confused by this, he tells him : "You know, you can ask for something better, I got a christmas bonus this year, we can afford it. Are you sure you don't want so...

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A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.

The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.

President Ronald Reagan's favorite joke...

There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a roo...

The boy who loved tractors

There was a young boy who lived on a farm, he absolutely loved tractors. All his toys were tractors, his bed was even in the shape of a tractor. Every day after school he would ride around the farm with his dad on the tractor. One day, whilst riding around with his dad the boy fell off the tractor a...

Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen

After £1 million worth of sex toys are stolen from a lorry in Kettering, police say the suspects may be sitting on the evidence and it’s unlikely they’ll come quietly.

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

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So I said to the manager "try before you buy"

It still got me kicked out of the sex toy shop.

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

hellcat and the mx-5

A Dodge Challenger Hellcat is roaring through the mountains when little mx-5 catches up to it. The Hellcat pushes harder, hard on the gas on the straights, hard on the brakes before the turns. But no matter what the Hellcat does, the mx-5 is still right on the Hellcat.



Finally the Hel...

I had to go to the hospital last night as I had a Disney toy stuck up my bum..

The doctor took the Mickey out of me.

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

With all the Mandalorian hype, I had asked my rich uncle for a first edition toy Yoda for Christmas

But all he gave me was some junky old car.

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What do toy trains and titties have in common?

They are both meant for the kids but it's usually the dad that ends up playing with them.

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A man is rushed to hospital after inserting 3 toy horses into his anus.

The paramedics say his condition is stable.

A clockwork toy walks into a bar...

He has a few drinks, breaks down in sobs and says "How did I wind up here?!"

My best 'adult' toys are made in Ireland.

They're my 'O' tools.

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Why are boobs and toys alike?

Because that are both meant for kids but daddy always ends up playing with them

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.

The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.

Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"

Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"

Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.

Love this kid!

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NSFW Toy Story Joke

What did Bo Peep say when Buzz walked in on her and Woody having sex?

You've got a friend in me.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures!

I’m getting a woody.....

A talking frog walks into a bank

He walked to the counter and said to guy there, " Hello sir , I am here to ask for a loan from the bank."

The guy on the counter was astonished and said , " You are a frog , what the hell do you need the loan for ?"

The frog replied , " My father who was the member of the rolling sto...

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Fastest Ever

On a typical COVID free for the boys day, Tom, Bob, and Joe are at the bar having a nice civil discussion on what the single fastest speed on the universe is. Bob outright says "the speed of lightning! Ain't nothing faster than the god of thunders toy". Tom being the scientist that he is doesn't hes...

Hang Gliding Hillbilly

You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off...

I got given a Lego toy car set from my Wife, she joked about the box which said 7+ Years on it when I am 34.

The joke is on her though, I got it done in 2 years.

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What do boobs and toys have in common?

They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.

My youngest son put my oldest son’s toy train in his mouth

I guess that makes it a chew-chew train

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The man who loved tractors

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely LOVED them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor porn(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was th...

What's an amputee's favorite toy?

Legos.

A man walks into a Toy shop...

He walks up to a shop assistant and asks what Barbie dolls the store has as he needs a gift for his daughter, the assistant replies "Come with me and I'll show you". The store assistant brings the man to the Barbie aisle and says "we have a hairdresser Barbie for £20, a BMX Barbie for £35, a footba...

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story

Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




all credit goes to u/APater6076

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

I grew up so poor that my parents couldn't afford any toys

They had to cut holes in my pockets just so I could have something to play with at night.

My wife said childbirth was the worst pain, until I told her how I once landed barefoot on a huge pile of toy bricks.

She didn't have a Lego to stand on.

My​ wife wanted to use toys in the bedroom

All I can say is there was lego everywhere

A man went to a toy store

He asks an employee: "I need a Barbie for my daughter, how much is that one?"

Employee: "That's 'Barbie and Ken take a roadtrip honeymoon', it costs 200 and Ken and his car are included."

Customer: "That's a bit high, what about that one, it's only Barbie without Ken."

Employee:...

Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage

Kid: Why did you do that dad?

Dad: So you won't get bored there.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy"

A constipated man robs a toy store. He steals everything but one teddy bear

Because he is unable to take a pooh

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

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Little Johnny is in the car with his mother and shes driving down the highway.

A truck in front of them contains adult sex toys.

All of a sudden a large black dildo falls off the truck and hits the windscreen of the car.

"What was that mommy" says Johnny, "Oh... it was a fly" replies the mother, slightly embarrased, "Jesus!" says Jimmy, "Did you see the size of...

Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's n...

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

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what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho

full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me


I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.

When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.

...

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

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A man was hospitalized with 6 toy plastic horses up his ass

The doctors described his condition as stable.

Apparently rick Astley is really stingy with his Disney DVD collection.

Yeah he’ll share toy story, but he’s never gonna give you Up.

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What is the Hip-hop industry's favourite sex toy?

Beads by Dre.

My battery powered dinosaur toy has stopped working.

I guess it just has a bad case of e-reptile dysfunction.

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A little boy is playing with his toy trains...

...in the living room while his mom is doing chores around the house. While cleaning, the mom overhears her son talking to his toy trains.


"Alright, you sons of bitches, we've arrived at your stop. Get your shit and get off my damn train!"


Astonished at what she'd just heard, ...

New Toy Story announced for 2020, starring Andy’s mum’s toys

That are also called Woody and Buzz.

Did you hear about the movie about the man who smashes kid’s toys?

I hear it’s a real blockbuster

I work on a two-person assembly line of Dracula toys...

I’ve got to make every second count

What is the punchline to this joke my daughter's Fozzie Bear toy says?

My daughter has a muppet babies Fozzie Bear talking toy.

He says numerous phrases including singing the muppet babies theme song and who could forget his memorable catch phrase "wakka wakka"

But then, being the jokester he is, says this:

"Did you ever hear the one about the ba...

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An employee of a sex toy shop answers a call from a customer...

“Hi, I purchased a cock cage from your store on Tuesday. Even though the box clearly states it’s made for men with extra large penises, the cage was still too small to fit me,” the customer explained.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the worker responded. “But unfortunately, it sounds like you did o...

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A man wants to get a sex toy for his wife while he's out of town...

So the man heads to a sex toy store. After a while browsing he goes to the man at the counter and asked if he had any thing that would keep his wife entertained while he was out of town for a couple weeks, the man replies with "I've got just the thing. It's called a voodoo dildo." The man was scepti...

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