Hockey Player Jokes - 40 Hilarious Hockey Player Jokes

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

What do you call a hockey player who questions their bad life choices?

Wayne Regretsky

Have you ever heard about the ghost hockey player?

It's team spirit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When do hockey players like to have sex?

Between periods.

An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar...

...and sit next to each other. The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown the football player fell to the ground and called for...

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

Where do hockey players go to get another uniform?

New Jersey

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?

Wayne Regretzky

Why is a woman thru hiker like a hockey player?

They both go three periods before taking a shower.

\-- I was told this joke by a woman thru hiker while hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.

2 hockey players were fighting on the rink. Both were swinging at each other full strength. Until one lands a nice right hander to the jaw and the hockey player lands face first onto the ice. A player on the bench says

"at least he got ice on it right away."

Who is ZZ Top’s favourite hockey player?

Gordie Howe Howe Howe Howe

A reporter is talking to a 17 year old hockey player

The reporter is asking the kid questions and the coach walks by and says “tell them what you know kid it won’t take very long.” The kid looks back at the coach and says, “ I’ll tell them what we both know it won’t take any longer.”

Hockey players are like goldfish

The way we get their attention is to tap on the glass

Hockey players are good at making new friends.

They break the ice really quickly.

Recently found out that Stan Lee was an exceptional hockey player.

His very first practice and he already had the Stanley Cup..

What do you call a hockey player in a leaky barn?

Grain Wetzsky

Did you hear about the hockey player who became a surgeon?

He specialized in bury-hat-trick surgery.

The Greatest French Hockey Player

A hockey-loving guy from Ontario moves to Quebec. He turns on the radio to listen to the Toronto Maple Leafs vs Montreal Canadiens hockey game. He realizes that the game is being broadcast in French, but he decides to listen anyways. Maybe He'll be able to make out what's happening and at least get ...

Hookers and Hockey Players

A man goes to a supermarket and asks to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to hi...

What do female heroin addicts and hockey players have in common?

They both finally change clothes after three periods.

Why do hockey players always make terrible birthday cakes?

Because icing is not allowed.

Hockey players are known for their summer teeth

Summer here, summer there

Why do hockey players wear so many pads?

Because they have 3 periods every game!

Why was Jesus Christ a lousy hockey player?

He was always getting nailed to the boards.

Why couldn't Jesus eat M&M's?

His hands are full of holes!

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jeus?

It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Where does a majority of a hockey player's salary come from?

The tooth fairy

What makes a hockey player laugh? (Warning: Cheesy)

Slapstick Comedy!

Letter to God

Dear God,

Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.

What do you tell a Hockey player messing up with you...

... Stop pucking around

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

What do you call a dad and his son over for dinner at a famous hockey players home?

.....
.....The Father
.....The Son
.....And The Goalie Host

A coach is looking after a young ice hockey team

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play toge...

”I don’t like Canada...

...it’s a land full to the brim with nothing but hockey players and hookers.”

”Hey, watch your mouth! I’ll have you know my wife’s Canadian.”

”Oh really? What team does she play for?”

Promotion

Boss: Congratulations! I'm promoting you to manage our Montreal office!

Young man (disappointed): But sir! There's nothing up there but bar girls and hockey players.

Boss (now insulted): I'll have you know that MY MOTHER is from Montreal!

Young man (think...

Sports injuries

An ice hockey player, a rodeo clown and a beautiful figure skater walk into a bar. After a couple of drinks they start to compare their injuries.

“None of my teeth are my own, I once lost seven teeth during one game.”, started the hockey player.

“Well, that’s nothing - during my care...

Hippie jokes

Q: How can you tell a hippie has been at your house?

A: He's still there.

Q: What did he say when you told him to leave?

A: Namaste.
___________________
Q: What's the difference between a hippie chick and a joint?

A: The joint won't make it all the way around the ci...

George bush stupidity

So George bush, the queen of England, a hockey player, a scientist, and a little kid are all on a plane that will soon crash, and there are only 4 parachutes.

The queen of England says: "Well all my people back home need me"
takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

George bush ...

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce... (2 part joke)

An elderly woman wants half a head of lettuce at a grocery store, so she tells the young man at the checkout, "I would like to buy half a head of lettuce." The young man says, "I'm sorry we only sell whole heads of lettuce." The old woman says, "Well you see I'm old, and I don't eat very much, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

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