I had a good joke about procrastination planned

But ill probably post it tomorrow

Three crows planned a meeting and only two of them showed up

They were charged for attempted murder

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars

but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men go on a long expedition into the mountains

Both of them happen to be smokers and while one was prepared and brought extra cartons, the other guy had only brought just one. Not long into their journey the second guy has ran out and starts pestering the first guy for a pack of cigarettes, but the first guy isn't budging, he brought just enough...

A Halloween costume idea

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says. "I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

random pandemic question

According to history class, they organized wild orgies in the Middle Ages after the victory over the Plague. Is there anything planned yet? I ask for a friend.

An Estonian visits russia

He departs from Tallinn, the journey goes as planned until, 2 hours and a half in, he realizes he needs petrol otherwise he won't get to russia, so he stops at a gas station near narva, and decides to get a snack and go to the bathroom. So before filling up his car he gets off, walks to the gas stat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

Did you hear that Peter Jackson and John Hughes planned to make a movie together?

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and her annoying nephew entered a lawn bowling contest.

The sun was out, the grounds had been immaculately prepared and every retiree within city limits had turned out for the event. Pearl had to admit that she was feeling better about the day now that it had finally arrived.

A few weeks ago when her delinquent of a sister had foisted her awful...

I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments.

But it was cancelled.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Make sure the intercom is switched off!

The plane lands and the pilot gives his usual speech, but he forgets to switch off the intercom.

The co-pilot asks the pilot what he has planned for the evening.

The pilot replies, “first I am going to shit, then I am gonna bang the shit out of the new stewardess”

The stewarde...

So Tod goes to a new truckers joint...

He sits down and the waiter approaches him.

Do you want to hear the daily specials sir? He asks.

"No thank you", says Todd, "let me smell your hand and I'll tell you want I'd like today".

So the waiter reluctantly proceeds to offer his hand to be smelled by this weird customer.<...

Given social distancing regulations, a ton of condiment companies are being forced to cancel July 4th campaigns like sponsored concerts, where they planned to hand out signature color sunglasses to attendees.

Bad idea, Heinz-Sight 2020.

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

I accidentally locked my keys inside my car outside of a planned parenthood

Going inside to ask for a hanger was pretty akward.......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

Van Gogh actually planned to mutilate himself a second time.

Because he heard left ear is the best medicine.

Due to the corona virus my wedding planned for the 8th of May got cancelled

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

If PG&E goes through with the planned outage...

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A world known pair of thieves were visiting the Escoffier Museum of Culinary Arts in France.

They were looking to make their final steal the biggest yet. They walk up the pearly white steps and into the old yellow plastered building.

As they walk in, the man turns to the woman and asks, "What do you think we should take? I want our last job to be remembered for years!"

The wo...

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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