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The museum planned a special exhibit to show off their collection [Long]

The museum planned a special exhibit to show off the collection. They had a wide array of historical music instruments from as far back as the 16th century. The museum planned to arrange a concert with a harpsichord that belonged to Bach and a violin that belonged to Vivaldi, among many other instru...

my wife and I planned an entire week of camping. After two days, we packed our stuff and went home. We will never do that again!

The entire situation was just two in tents.

God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

What's the worst part about locking yourself out of your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

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I’ve planned a film where a man’s involved in a fatal wanking accident

I’m calling it Die Hard

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who’s sign says “life begins at conception”

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

I planned to gift my wife a Philips 21" for her bedroom use on her birthday and she got really really excited...





I don't know but she got really disappointed with the gift, I guess she dint like the TV design??

I got fired from my job at Planned Parenthood

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

I had planned to do nothing today...

But I still managed to finish early.

I sat in the waiting room at the hospital looking at the floor, and I heard the footsteps of one of the doctors approaching to tell me about my wife.

He stopped before me and I looked up. He stroked his hideous beard and looked at the ground unsurely.

I began to get worried.

"Did her hair transplant go as planned...doc?" I asked, frowning. After a pause, I added: "And why are you wearing my wife's clothes?"

Brain reduction

A man went to a doctor, and said he wanted to be able to get a job at the local Post Office, but unfortunately he was too smart.

The doctor asked him his IQ, and when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would have to involve the removal of over half of his bra...

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York

When asked what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like to see one of the zoos in America."

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallo...

My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

I had a good joke about procrastination planned

But ill probably post it tomorrow

Scientists planned to verify if Schroedingers thought experiment prevails on Mars

but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

A young couple dies just a few days before their planned wedding.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ...

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

Did you hear that Peter Jackson and John Hughes planned to make a movie together?

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

I planned to go to a class on how to deal with disappointments.

But it was cancelled.

If PG&E goes through with the planned outage...

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

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The wife of a very rich man dies from illness.

To honor her, the widower announces a big funeral in his huge resort, where everyone they knew is invited. The guests arrive, and after the first day is over, everyone is preparing to go to sleep. As there are not enough rooms to accommodate everyone, the widower had 2 grand salons prepared with bed...

What do you call a well planned microwave?

A tactical nuke

A thief carefully planned out a robbery of a kitchen in a high end restaurant.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler.

A spy stationed in a foreign country stopped responding to his handler. After a while, the handler received a letter in the mail. It told her the spy has been compromised, but, before his capture, he'd snuck out some very important government secrets. He'd used the world's smallest memory card to co...

My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:

"Dont worry, accidents happen"

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