Planned Jokes

But in the end, he went with plan Bee.

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

They're filming the pilot.

Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, ... read more

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well-behaved.

Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, that said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. ... read more

My boss didn’t like me saying “Takeout or delivery?” whenever someone walked in the door

But everyone stopped at the Finnish line instead.

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

She goes up to the man and says “that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn’t viable until it graduates medical school!”

He couldn't raise the capital.

The entire situation was just two in tents.

...no pun in ten did

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.
"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my th... read more

but sadly Curiosity killed the cat, rendering the experiment futile.

Conductor: “All Aboorrttttttt!”

Two people no-showed, but the rest of us had fun.

A tactical nuke

Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

But it was actually plane-d.

...then I guess we're powerless to stop them.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

'Monsieur,... read more

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ... read more

Because he heard left ear is the best medicine.

I don't know but she got really disappointed with the gift, I guess she dint like the TV design??

So I packed my car and started driving up to the woods. I saw a sign on the side of the road that said “bear left” so I turned around and went home.

Just a portion.

But it was cancelled.

which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.

“The Second Breakfast Club”.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

My favorite two things keeping me from getting a girl pregnant.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

Pre-meditated Murder.

What do you call a group of agitated crows?

Aggravated Murder.

I will see myself out.

But in the end he decided it wasn’t worth the whisk.

A Christ Heist

... but I couldn't quite pull it off.

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,... read more

The good news is that this will give me some time to find someone to marry

The first prisoner scaled over the prison wall, but made a loud crash when he landed on the other side.
A patrolling guard yelled out "WHO GOES THERE?".
The prisoner thinks quickly and makes a cat noise "MEOW!"
The guard calms down and thinks it just a stray cat.
The second prisoner foll... read more

They say beggars can't be choosers.

It was very carefully orca-strated.

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t e... read more

Womb Raider