North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does government and prostitutes have in common?

You pay both to fuck you

How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,”

But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?

What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

Why did the government stop sending electronic assignments to their Secret Service agents?

Because they were producing too many harmful E-missions.

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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
ex...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

What's the British government's favourite tv show?

Deal or no meal

Dictator: We don't like people thinking our government is authoritarian

Don't think that please


And that's an order

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 70's liked their government like they liked their coffee?

Without a Dick in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

If Jeff Bezos worked for the government

he’d be a prime minister

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Pollution will make our air too toxic to breathe if our governments don't take action soon

But I'm not holding my breath

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

I steal from the poor and give to the rich, what am I?

The government.

When do you know the government is female?

When it's in Labour.

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

What did the US government say to Huawei?

Go-awei

What do you call a government of hippos?

Hippocracy.

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

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Trump is talking about shutting the government back down on the 15th

I am surprised he isn't doing it on the 14th, then he could fuck the whole US for Valentine's day

The government was making a law against breaking into people’s homes...

Santa burst through the door and said,

“How am I gonna deliver presents?”

So they made the Santa Clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] My approach to sex is similar to the governments approach to Brexit

I go in hard then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing

What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

What happened to all the US government employees?

AWOL

What’s the difference between a gang and the government?

Only one is organized.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan Walk Into a Bar

They have a few drinks and then die from methanol poisoning due to a lack of government regulation.

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

What's the difference between government and a roomful of 7-year old kids?

The kids would be better behaved.

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

The government isn't working.

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

Is it true that the French Government banned the Xbox 360 and PS3 back in the day?

Wii

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

Government is back open but I heard

If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown

It’s official this government shutdown is now longest ever

I guess president Trump is really best at something

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

They’re going to unplug me if this government shutdown continues any longer

Read my name

I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

Did you hear about the new government assistance for the deaf?

Neither have they.

No need to prolong the government shutdown. We've already built a wall.

A paywall.

What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers?

Poly-ticks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

Day 32 of the government shutdown

That makes it just over two years since we’ve had a functioning government

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

I recently told a joke about how Democrats favor small government, and decreased taxes.

It didn't go over very well. Everyone said it was politically incorrect.

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

The Chinese government are seizing

my land to build a cemetery.

It has to be a Communist plot.

What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

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