This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't?

Stop school shootings

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does viagra and the Chinese government have in common?

They both have been rigging erections for years.

My government is spreading obviously false covid-19 info about x-mas parties

Here in Sweden the government lies and says that we can have Christmas gatherings of up to 8 people without any problems. Such obvious bull! Who knows 8 people without any problems?

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?

Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

If the government finds diamonds in your backyard it's theirs...

... but if they find drugs, then it's yours?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

US Government furious at China for making Covid anal swabs mandatory for all foreign arrivals

If anyone's going to fuck our citizens, it's gonna be us! The US government!

What's a 3 line poem that overthrows a government?

A Hai-coup

The government announced that because of Covid, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.

Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

If Government was software how would you describe its issues?

Answer: Too much middleware and a major lack of API functionality.

I heard the government was putting chips in people.

Well mine better be sour cream and onion.

A State Government Employee sits in his office, and out of boredom decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This would look nice on my mantelpiece," he thinks, so he takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice-cold diet Pepsi right now!" POOF! A Pepsi appears before him ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.

76 million are retired.

That leaves 251 million to do the work.

There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.

Which leaves 203 million to do the work

There are 74 million children younger than 6 ...

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

Centuries later, key US government buildings still accurately represent the people inside them

They're mostly old and white.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.

I told him it's all in his head.

Apparently the government has several models to forecast how the pandemic will play out

They should use scientists instead - they're not as pretty but they know a lot more.

I met this girl who was really against the government

her name was Anne Archy

What do you call someone who livestreams their effort to overthrow a government?

An exseditionist

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?

I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

My brain is like a government computer

It's slow but it has lots of information it definetly shouldn't

What do you call a bunch of chickens in a two-doored car trying to overthrow the government?

A coop coupe coup.

Governments worldwide are pushing electric cars.

It's just going to cause a re volt.

A politician visited a small remote rural town and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

"We have two big needs," said the Town Mayor. "First, we have a clinic but no doctors."

The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said, "I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?"

"We have no cell phone reception at...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...

Not on my watch.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

the government is saying if you survived covid-19 they want your plasma

aint nobody finna take my TV

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wealthy George (the original joke is in Swedish and the translation might be a bit off)

On the beach in large luxury house lives the wealthy George. One day Carl comes from the tax authority and asks how George can live so richly when he has no income.

“I bet”, says George.

“But you can not survive on betting, can you?” asks Carl from the tax authority.

“Do you ...

What does a government give to their top agent who is also a shrimp?

A license to Krill.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Only in England.

£800 fine if you are caught at a house party during lock-down.

But reduced to £400 if paid early.

If you catch covid at the party, the government will

give you £500 to stay at home.

That's £100 profit.

This country is absolutely fucked.

Why couldn't Edward the whistleblower leave his house during the winter to warn the government of corruption?

He was snowed in.

During the pandemic governments have told people to work from home.

So if you're a dominatrix you must press ctrl + U.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Indian government building so many toilets?

So that people could give a shit.

Did you hear about the drug addict who overthrew the government with 17 syllables?

He staged a high coup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

Why is prostitution illegal?

Coz when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want any competition.

Why should the government never use protestors in circuits?

They have too much resistance.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

An announcement was made by the government in the USSR

Since only one in seven households had a vehicle, drivers were speeding incessantly and the government announced that anyone speeding would be fined regardless of who it was.

One day Gorbachev gets out of his hotel and is late to the Kremlin, so he tells his driver to get in the back seat and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA(NSFW)

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

Never Steal.

The government hates competition.

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

What happened to the government when the president was impeached for the first time ever?

They found themselves in an unpresidented situation.

Why does the Chinese government not use harddrives?

They prefer a solid state

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The government has decided to ban all alcohol adverts on pornography websites

When asked, an official commented:

'We made this decision for the wellbeing of the kids who watch it'

A man is being interviewed for a government position.

The interviewer asks him "Do you advocate the overthrow of the government, by violence or subversion?".

The candidate replies "I think I prefer subversion.".

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Government official visits a remote village

An official once went on a field trip to one of the small remote villages.

He asked, what can the government do for you?

They replied: we have a health center, but there is no doctor.

He immediately picked up his phone and dialed

a number and in a very strong voice deman...

The horse government never gets anything done...

The politicians always vote Nay.















I'm sorry

Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?

They're only miner issues.

Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work....

Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Did you hear about the guy that reported the Chernobyl incident to the Soviet Government?

He was always such a goody 3 shoes.

How Egyptians solve problems.

In Cairo there is a large hole in the ground left over from a construction project that was never finished. Everyday several people unexpectedly walk right into the hole and are badly injured.

By the time the ambulance arrives and brings the victims to the hospital it is often too late to sa...

I'm thinking about getting the Allegory of Bad Government tattooed on my lowered back...

...it'll be my new Trump Stamp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic...

A bunch of hippies just overthrew the government, smoked weed, and read a poem.

It was a high coup.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

A world with the undead

Imagine a world where zombies exist, but they're not dangerous. Just like you and I every day, except they eat brains.
The government has decided that humans can donate their organ to zombies for consumption.
Everything is pretty much back to normal.

A man and a woman end up going on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day little Billy's teacher told him to ask his parents what the government is

\--Dad, can you tell me about the government

\--Well, think of it like this, I'm the president, your mom is congress, the maid is the working force, you are the people and.... your little brother is the future.

\--I don't get it

Dad sent Billy to sleep telling him that he'll kno...

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?

Lesbionage

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So The Canadian Government Is Changing The 2 Dollar Coin

Under pressure from the LGBT community the Canadian government is taking the Iconic polar bear off the 2 dollar coin and replacing it with 2 male deer mating.

Now everyone who has one will have “2 Fucking Bucks” in their pockets

Politicians, ISPs, Big Business, and foreign government agencies are all fighting for control over the internet, but who holds power over them all?

Anyone sorting by new.

The government is considering implementing a plan to freeze inmates on a large scale

They’re weighing up the Frozen Cons

I started a charity for the billionaire hedge fund investors affected by the Game Stop Short Squeeze.

But Soon after, I realized there’s already a Charity for them, The US Government.

An American was arguing with a Russian on which of their governments were better...

The American made the case, “you know in the United States of America you can march into the White House, slam your fists on the president’s desk and say, Mr.President, I don’t like the way you are running this country.”

The Russian replied,”I can do that”.

The American in a bit of s...

Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms

It sounds more like the concept for an awesome store rather than a government agency.

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy,...

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

How dare the Government infringe on my freedoms by forcing me to wear a bit of cloth covering a part of my body...

Nudists unite!

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

The government in this town is excellent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.

~Ron Swanson

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Why did the Chinese government confiscate all deer legs?

Mistook them for moose limbs.

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

The US government should use ICE to ensure kids are going to school this fall

They have a pretty good track record of separating kids from their families

Government: Gambling is addictive, morally wrong, and predatory, so we are outlawing it.

In unrelated news the Powerball jackpot is $126 Million Dollars! Can't win if you don't play!

What's the difference between the government and the devil?

You can say no to the devil.

How can you tell if the government is cheating you?

You can't cuz they keep changing the rules.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

The US government wants to test how good some of its instituions are at tracking down someone...

So they release a marked rabbit into a forest and task the CIA, the FBI and the police with finding it.

The CIA goes first. They try sattelite imagery, informants, drones, everything they can, but after six months they give up, saying that they can't find the rabbit.

Next goes the FBI....

You can actually file a lawsuit against the federal government in the United States. It's a myth that you can't. All you have to do is simply take some specific medication.

And that medication, my friends, is Sudafed®

What do you call a Bee that works for the government?

A Pollentician.

What did the bank say to the government

Bank: Hey government. I need money to pay my workers or we're gonna go out of business.

Government: Hey bank. Sure. I remember you from Harvard, how are you doing?

Bank: Doing great, actually! I remember you too. Frat bros for life. Thanks for the cash.

Government: Frat bros for...

The Canadian government spends more time and money taking care of other countries than its own people in poverty

You may think I’m wrong but it’s Trudeau

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

Man on the mountain

One day on a nearby mountain a man stood atop it. He looked at the view and turned his pockets inside out. Powdered gold gushed out at amazing speed as he stood there.

Soon the media caught wind of this and went to investigate. After stuffing as many buckets of gold into their van as they cou...

I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view.

And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Twas the week before Christmas

‘Twas the Week before Christmas
by Canttake Itany Moore

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the city

The virus still raged. The year was still shitty.

The cars sat snuggly, all still in the street.

There was no place to go. No friends to meet.

Restau...

The Russian people were constantly hounding the government to tell them when they would finally reach true communism.

Because of this, the government got the leading scientists to input hundreds of statistics, such as ground fertility, rainfall, public relations, international relations and population into the best computer in Russia. They waited 4 nights for the answer: 23 kilometres. It puzzled the many politicia...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

The government will send a martial artist after you if you violate copyright law

IP Man

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Social progress....

A wise old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
Ceremonial Pipe and eying two Canadian Government officials sent to
interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his techn...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings.

And now we have countries...

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

Now they're saying that if you survived COVID the government wants your plasma.

No sir, they ain't taking my TV.

What the difference between a government building and a children’s hospital?

Don’t ask me, I just fly the drones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Democracy? A boy is asked at school as homework.

So the little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is democracy?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalist. Your Mom spends the money, so we'll call her the Government. Nanny is working at home for money, she's the w...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.