North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

The government has been shut down for more than 15 days....

We can all legally leave.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

While high on LSD a talking tree told me to overthrow the government.

I said “I can’t”

“That would be treeson”

What do you call a government of hippos?

Hippocracy.

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man visits the council to apply for a job

During his job interview, the interviewer asks him "Are you allergic to anything?" to which the man replies "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer replies "That...

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] My approach to sex is similar to the governments approach to Brexit

I go in hard then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing

The government was making a law against breaking into people’s homes...

Santa burst through the door and said,

“How am I gonna deliver presents?”

So they made the Santa Clause.

Government Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then work...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump is talking about shutting the government back down on the 15th

I am surprised he isn't doing it on the 14th, then he could fuck the whole US for Valentine's day

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

A government run initiative to restore the male geese population is getting a lot of media attention...

Critics are referring to it as proper gander.

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent.

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.

Which means the UK will still have a functioning government.

What happened to all the US government employees?

AWOL

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

What's the difference between government and a roomful of 7-year old kids?

The kids would be better behaved.

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan Walk Into a Bar

They have a few drinks and then die from methanol poisoning due to a lack of government regulation.

What’s the difference between a gang and the government?

Only one is organized.

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bowser gets fed up of his life in a castle and gets a job at the US Government...

in his new job, he quickly rises up to be an influential figure. He uses his newfound powers to (definitely not corruptly) trap peach in a tax evasion scandal, which resulted from her hiding her income in bricks. While she was being held awaiting trial, Mario confronts Bowser in his office, determin...

Government is back open but I heard

If trump sees his shadow it's 6 more weeks of shutdown

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call it when a homosexual sells government secrets?

Lesbianage

What do slaves and government employees have in common?

Neither get paid for their labor.

It’s official this government shutdown is now longest ever

I guess president Trump is really best at something

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

TIL that Viagra is provided without charge by the Chinese Government

They're the only free elections the citizens get

They’re going to unplug me if this government shutdown continues any longer

Read my name

The government isn't working.

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

No need to prolong the government shutdown. We've already built a wall.

A paywall.

Day 32 of the government shutdown

That makes it just over two years since we’ve had a functioning government

I recently told a joke about how Democrats favor small government, and decreased taxes.

It didn't go over very well. Everyone said it was politically incorrect.

The US government took No Shave November quite seriously

As soon as the calendar hit December 1st, Bush was gone.

What do you call a group of non-monogamous bloodsucking government workers?

Poly-ticks.

The U.S Government has been shut down

You could say its hit a wall

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During the US Government shutdown, obviously the US Mail is still working...

...because people keep posting the same shit again and again.

I just talked to a furloughed federal employee and told him McConnell might schedule a vote soon to reopen the government. Was there anything he particularly hoped for?

Mitch better have my money.

Government giving you a headache? Want to take care of that annoying snot?

Sudafed

Is it true that the French Government banned the Xbox 360 and PS3 back in the day?

Wii

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lesson in government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while ...

Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?

IRS REFUND department: Non-essential

IRS Audit department.: Essential

I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Timmy asked his mother why American government keeps sending their soldiers to Middle East

His mother said," You see the beef on the table? Grab it and put it in the fridge."
After Timmy did what her mother told him to do , her mother said, "Now take it out and put it on the table." and Timmy did it. Then his mother said," Now put the beef in the fridge again." After doing that , wit...

The Chinese government are seizing

my land to build a cemetery.

It has to be a Communist plot.

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

United States: A reporter that criticizes the government...

...might be labeled as fake news and have mean presidential tweets written about them.



Central America: A reporter that criticizes the government may be secretly arrested in the middle of the night.




Saudi Arabia: Hold my beer...

What do guys who don’t use condoms and the British government have in common

Both will promise to come out smooth and clean on paper and then cause a huge mess in practise

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!

It’ll be my new year’s Revolution

What do you call it when Donald Trump picks a new member of the government?

Russian Roulette.

How does the government remember the difference between Astronomy and Astrology?

Simple.

Just like with "Eco-", you don't consider it a science if it ends with "-logy"

The government say they're going to tackle gambling addiction.

Bet you a tenner they don't.

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones expl...

4 million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Americans and our government is doing nothing to stop them, not to mention they're dirty and they smell bad. THEY DON'T EVEN SPEAK ENGLISH!!

Man, I hate babies.

Got fired from my government job today

They said I was too efficient

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does one say when he is imprisoned by an ancient Greek government?

Fuck the polis.

A Government Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet.

He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. "This will look nice on my mantelpiece," he decides, and takes it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. "I wish for an ice cold beer right now!" He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that ...

Visiting my mum is like visiting the Chinese government.

When you go round you only see the nice China

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interview for a government job on a seat for disabled people

Interviewer: Your resume is very impressive, though what is your handicap?

Guy: I lost my balls in a bomb blast.

Interviewer: Ok. You've been selected. Working hours will be from 9am to 5pm. Make sure you're here at 11am sharp everyday.

Puzzled, the guy asks: Why 11, when the w...

How did the auto mechanic pass his class on government?

He had all the right answers “hon da’ civics” exam!

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

Do you know the difference between a government bond and a man?

The bond matures.

Saw in American Dad