What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

How do you hide a dinosaur from the government?

You take jurassic measures.

An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The Russian said,"I can do that."

The American said,"You can?"

The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kr...

Where do Soviet people go when they're mad at the government?

Jail

How did Bohemian peasants receive payment from the government in the 1400s?

They received payczechs

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"*

*With purchase of an American industry of equal or greater value.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

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A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

Trudeau has been re-elected as the minority government, thankfully

he has just the suit to wear

Why does Donald Trump hate the new Canadian government?

Because it’s a minority.

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What does government and prostitutes have in common?

You pay both to fuck you

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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

Did you hear about the government plan to get overweight people to exercise?

It didn't work out.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

What's the biggest turnoff for the government officials?

"I don't have the original document."

How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,”

But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

Dictator: We don't like people thinking our government is authoritarian

Don't think that please


And that's an order

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

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The 70's liked their government like they liked their coffee?

Without a Dick in it.

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

If Jeff Bezos worked for the government

he’d be a prime minister

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A Donald Trump Joke

Disclaimer! I did not write this joke, I merely found it on the internet and wanted to share it to everyone. Please comment down the original owner if you know who it is, because he deserves all the credits.

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an...

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

Why is the IRS always tired?

Collecting money for the government is taxing

What do you call a stick running for president?

A branch of government.

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the sh...

How is the Mexican government like a cueball?

The harder you hit them with tariffs the more English they pick up.

The food retailer Iceland recently got sued by the Government

They've had all their assets frozen

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.

As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up.

As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns ...

Well...you know what they say...What happen's in China stays...

with the Chinese government

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

One day, Putin summons the ghost of Stalin.

"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "what should I do to fix my country?"

"Execute the government and paint the Kremlin blue" says Stalin.

"Why blue?" asks a perplexed Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

I said this in a group chat some time ago, now I'll post it here.

As we all know there are five internets.

1: the surface web. It's what we all use. People say its advanced but it never loads, is filled with spam, and has no memes for the blind.

2: the deep web. It's where illegal and secret stuff happens. Pepole are worried about it housing networ...

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

Why I'm tired

For a couple of years I have been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough sunshine,too much pressure from my job,ear wax buildup, poor blood,or anything else I could think of.But now I found out the real reason.Im tired because I'm overworked.And here's why:The population of this country is 273 milli...

What did the US government say to Huawei?

Go-awei

Three boys have a discussion about whose dad is the fastest after school.

First boy: My dad is the fastest. Last week he bought a Porsche and it can drive faster than 300km/h.

Second boy: That’s nothing. My dad is a pilot in the military. His Jet flies faster than 1000km/h.

Third boy: Guys... My dad still is the fastest. He works for the government and his q...

There is an initiative...

There is an initiative by the US government and the American Dairy Counsel that cheese needs to be sold only in block form. By doing this we could make America Grate Again.

A man gets change from an interaction with his friend, and noticed something strange.

He asked his friend:

“Why are these coins smaller than usual?”

His friend replied:

“I got the ‘new batch of coins’ from the bank”

The man asked another question:

“So why are they small?”

The friend answered again:

“The government has made coins small...

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation...

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, "What are the guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

Today in American News

Today in American News:

Red Channel- Black Holes don't exist and any images of them are a government conspiracy and a liberal coup.

Blue Channel- Black Holes exist, they were created by the Russians, they will kill everyone on the planet in 12 years and anyone who disagrees is racist...

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