What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

It's easy to explain why so many national governments are in shambles today. Empires used to be run by emperors. Kingdoms were run by kings

And now we have countries...

The government offered to buy my guns from me

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

What is common between YouTube and our government?

Both break their own laws

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

Why is suicide illegal in China?

Destruction of government property

How do you hide a dinosaur from the government?

You take jurassic measures.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

Where do Soviet people go when they're mad at the government?

Jail

An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The Russian said,"I can do that."

The American said,"You can?"

The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kr...

How did Bohemian peasants receive payment from the government in the 1400s?

They received payczechs

Trudeau has been re-elected as the minority government, thankfully

he has just the suit to wear

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

Why does Donald Trump hate the new Canadian government?

Because it’s a minority.

Did you hear about the foreign government growing potatoes in their foreskin?

Bunch of dictators.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

The Chinese government finally says "Free Hong Kong"*

*With purchase of an American industry of equal or greater value.

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What does government and prostitutes have in common?

You pay both to fuck you

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In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo.

It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

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A man applies to a government job, and he gets told this:

The interviewer asked him if he was allergic to anything.

He replies " Yes caffeine, I can't drink coffee,"

"OK," the interviewer says " Have you been in the military?"

The man answers " Yes I was in Iraq for two years."

The interviewer says " OK that will give you 5 po...

What do you call a snake that works for the government?

A civil serpent.

Why is a bad government like a bikini?

Because people marvel at what's holding it up. And they wish it would fall.

A government agent is sent to a village

A government agent is sent to a small English village where there are reports of multiple deaths from tainted pharmaceuticals.

The villagers are unaware of the cause, but are nonetheless worried and ask the agent who is responsible for these deaths around the village.

The agent tells t...

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Government : "The average income is $62,850, so we're good."

It's the same logic like: "Your parents have average one testicle."

In the army if you lose your rifle, the government charges you $250

That’s why in the navy the captain always goes down with the ship

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

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Did you hear the government is banning participation trophies?

They start taking down all confederate statues next week.

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by t...

I just realized when you turn 18 your government free trial has ended...

you can terminate your contract but it voids all other assigning contacts permanently.

How come when the government gives itself money, it’s called “fractional reserving,”

But when I give myself money, it’s called “theft,” “embezzlement,” and “fraud”?

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When a stripper gets money that definitely has jizz on it she has to report it to the government

Because it's gross income

The Difference Between Heaven And Hell

In Heaven ...

The British are the police
The French are the cooks
The Swiss are the government
The Italians are the lovers
The Germans are the mechanics

In Hell ...

The British are the cooks
The French are the government
The Swiss are the lovers
The It...

How can we confuse the Chinese Government?

Make our military blueprints in the form of Ikea instructions.

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A DEA agent stopped at a ranch and told the rancher: "I need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs."

The rancher, pointing over to the west, said: "Okay, just don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent exploded, exclaiming: "Listen here, you bucktoothed hick! I have the FULL AUTHORITY of the UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT!"

"That may as well be," said the rancher, "But you'd bet...

Dictator: We don't like people thinking our government is authoritarian

Don't think that please


And that's an order

2 guys on the road. One was digging a hole , the other one waited a minute and filled the hole back.

Then they moved on and after about 10 feet they did the same - digging up , waiting a minute , and filling it back up.

They went on doing this the whole morning, covering almost 3 miles of land.

One guy who was watching them eagerly just couldn’t resist any more, and asked - are yo...

The American Government is just like a car...

If you want it to go forward you put it in (D) and if you want it to go backwards you put it in (R)

My gf works for the government but just delivered the message to me that she wants to break up...

Guess she's now my Fed Ex...

What did John Bercow say when the government caused a stink in the Parliament, last night?

"Odooour!"

What is everyone doing!



I'm tired. Really tired. For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much partying, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.


The population of this country is 237 million.


104 million are retired. That leaves ...

The Italian government has decided to put a big clock similar to Big Ben in the leaning tower of Piza.

Now they’ll have the time as well as the inclination.

European commission

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and ha...

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So, little Johnny has a report due for government class...

He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this:

I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class.

So that night, little Johnny is trying ...

Nikolia, Sergei, and Alexander are in a Soviet era Gulag together when Sergei asks

Sergei: So what did you two do to end up here?

Alexander: I was always early for work, so the government accused me of espionage and sent me here.

Nikolia: I was always late for work so I had to work later to make up for lost time. The government accused me of sabotage and sent me here...

The U.S. just passed the student loan forgiveness act!

We're now required to forgive the government for our student loan debt.

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

If Jeff Bezos worked for the government

he’d be a prime minister

Communism is like tax evasion

At first it seems great, but at the end of the day you‘re going to have government agents knocking at your door.

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The Canadian Government is considering forcing all large businesses to provide their employees with tampons and pads free of charge.

Businesses say the costs will be tough to absorb....

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What do you trust more than the government?

The ads on Pornhub telling me girls within 3 miles of my location want to hook up.

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son: "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son: "What is Politics?"

Father: "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administra...

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

When do you know the government is female?

When it's in Labour.

How is the Mexican government like a cueball?

The harder you hit them with tariffs the more English they pick up.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

I can’t bear it

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately...

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

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Two Israeli men were sitting beside each other. One notices that the other is reading Palestinian propaganda.

He says, "why are you reading that bullshit? The Palestinians want us dead!"

The other says, "well, the Israeli newspapers say "Israel is doomed, the Jews are hated, we're oppressed", but this says "The Jews run the world, Israel runs our governments, the Israelis are taking over"... I like t...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

Dear Americans, if you're dissatisfied with your current government....

have you tried switching it off and on again?

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

So there's an Amazon River now? What's next? Lake Facebook? Mount Paypal?

How did Amazon manage to name a whole river in South America after them? Did they pay the governments of all the countries it flows through, for the naming rights?

What was the river's name before Amazon bought the naming rights to the river?

And how long will it be before there are ot...

The Russian government must be very rich

I read that you get blazing fast, uncensored, unlimited access across all of Russia to the Internyet.

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A man goes to the Council to apply for a job

The interviewer asks him, ''Are you allergic to anything?''


He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee.''


''OK, have you ever been in the military
service?''


he says, ''l was in Iraq for one tour.''
The interviewer says, ''That will give you 5
ex...

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

What did the US government say to Huawei?

Go-awei

Sometimes, I can't believe that the government has legally let me marry hundreds of women.

And all I had to do was get ordained.

I'm considering a career in organized crime.

Which is best : Government or Private Sector ?

What do you call someone who blocks people on the internet?

The Chinese Government

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

What is a polar bear’s favourite government agency?

I.C.E!

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: one to insist the light bulb has been taken care of and the other to screw it into a faucet.

The government swore to shut down Fortnite due to claims of the video game aggravating children and teens worldwide.

Two weeks later, Fortnight was finished.

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year...

A new report shows that a million of these people enter our country every year. They are uneducated, unskilled, and contribute nothing. They are a burden to honest, hardworking Australians and our government is doing nothing to stop them and they even support them, not to mention they're dirty and t...

I work as a spy for the US government.

One of my more deadly assignments involved going after a mad scientist in Italy. I was having dinner with one of my contacts over some delicious cheesy rigatoni. Then, out of nowhere, I was hit by a shrink ray and tossed into my food with the sound of evil laughter. Fraught by the perils of steaming...

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Trump is talking about shutting the government back down on the 15th

I am surprised he isn't doing it on the 14th, then he could fuck the whole US for Valentine's day

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

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A Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

What is it called when the government forces two guys to go to dinner?

A mandate

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I'm trying to prevent a trip to see my in-laws in China from happening.

So I'll just say "Fuck the Chinese Government" right here.

That should do.

What happened to all the US government employees?

AWOL

The government was making a law against breaking into people’s homes...

Santa burst through the door and said,

“How am I gonna deliver presents?”

So they made the Santa Clause.

The government has started fining its citizens for poorly worded sentences.

It’s the syntax

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[NSFW] My approach to sex is similar to the governments approach to Brexit

I go in hard then pull out when I realise I have no idea what I'm doing

What’s the difference between a gang and the government?

Only one is organized.

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Viagra was banned in China by the government.

They don’t want to admit they have election ploblems.

(Bad but OC)

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

Proof that 9/11 wasn't a government plot:

It worked.

A government plane crashes between united states and mexico, where do you bury the survivors?

What plane?

I have no idea what’s going on with Brexit....

...which is something I have in common with Britain’s government.

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Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Cen...

What do you call a shadow government ran by furries?

The uwuminati

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

What's the difference between government and a roomful of 7-year old kids?

The kids would be better behaved.

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Government Job

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

Interviewer: “Do you have any allergies?”

Applicant: “Yes, I’m allergic to caffeine so I don’t drink coffee.”

Interviewer: “Ok. Are you a veteran?”

Applicant: “Yes, I was in Iraq for 3 years.”

Interviewer: “Ok,...

What celebrities in both China and USA have one thing in common

Afraid of criticizing Chinese government and like to criticize US government.

Donald Trump dies and goes to hell

In 50 years, he comes to the devil and says: "I know I'm going to spend an eternity here. I would like to ask you for a favor. I miss my country, I miss the United States. Can I go back to Washington DC for 15 minutes? I will go to the nearest bar, drink some beer and have a little chat with the bar...

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