UPJOKE
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Outline Jokes

Yo mamma so fat... if she was murdered her chalk outline would be a circle..

I know it's not mine. But just heard it for the first time the other day. Made me smile. What is your favorite yo mamma jokes? Would love to read them

That's my wife

So, two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a mall like they're in a real-life game of Mario Kart.

They collide, and the old guy turns to the young guy and says, 'Sorry about that, I'm just trying to find my wife. I'm getting up there in age, and my memory ain't what ...

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My roommate in college was a weird performance artist who outlined all his paintings using his penis.

I should have never moved in with Dick Tracy.

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I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything,

... but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

A brother and sister

A brother and sister are sitting in a room when the brother asks:

The brother: hey I got a question

The sis: what is it?

The brother: what’s it called when you create the topic sentence for an essay that outlines your argument and position and supporting details

Thesis:

What do you call a book filled with outlines of Star Wars characters?

A Kylo Ren Book

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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A Russian soldier is assigned to the training exercise

A Russian soldier is assigned to a squad near the front of the training exercise to replace a fallen komrat. He is warned that the training is hard with many death, and the squad members are a bit excentric, so he should just try to fit in.


He arrives to a camp of about 10 men and a cou...

Thump... Thump... Thump...

A man is walking home one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over...

NEWS FLASH: Massive earthquake devastates Pakistan

I major earthquake hits pakistan causing massive damage and loss of lives. Early reports outline damage to infrastructure, roads, power and water supply. A horryfying number of confirmed casulties lists 1 million dead with many stilll unaccounted for.

The world leaders have come to togeth...

A long-distance couple is having relationship problems in the midst of Covid...

...One of them calls the other, and outlines their complaints.

"What with the distance, and the poor internet quality affecting our calls, and all your bad puns, I just can't do this anymore"

"I'm sorry, what was that? We just broke up."

(Joke courtesy of my Husband, who has no ...

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A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

A wife comes home late one night...

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From the covers on the bed, she spots the outline of four legs instead of her husband's two. She reaches into their closet for a baseball bat and starts hitting the two under the covers as hard as she can.

Once she's ...

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Hopping on the joke translation bandwagon (originally heard it in Russian)

Little Johnny is drawing something during an arts&crafts class.

The teacher asks him: “I see you have drawn some good outlines, but are you planning to add some color?”

Johnny (pointing at different areas of his drawing): “Yeah! I’ll add some yellow here, a little red over here and...

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

Man: "I've always had this absurd feeling that I'm a cartoon character"

Psychologist: "That's a rather unusual mental state... How long have you felt this way?"

Man: "Ever since I was an outline..."

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Ashley was a sorority girl at a New York college.

During Spring Break, she planned a trip to Texas. She told her sorority sisters that she had three goals: to eat real Texas barbecue, to see a real rodeo, and to have sex with a real cowboy.

When she returned from her trip, she told her sisters all about it. One asked if she had eaten real...

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

Life Support

After the birth of their first child Tom and Sarah decided it was time to write a will and get their affairs in order. They went to a lawyer and outlined for him their ideas about how their estate should be handled.

The lawyer then asked them questions about what medical means should be emplo...

A SEAL and his Sculpture

There was a Navy SEAL living undercover in the depths of Eastern Russia where they regularly hold ice sculpting competitions. He had been there for a while and was longing to liven up his stay there so he decided to enter the next one. There was a shop in town that he could buy sculpting supplies fr...

Two men in a desert

Two men are wandering the desert. They've been there for days, and can't remember how they got there; the only thing in their minds right now is that they need water to survive another day in this scorching heat.

Midday passes, and the men are succumbing to despair - but wait, what's this? Th...

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm gonna need some specs or an outline of the scope, before I can get you an estimate.

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