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Regimen Jokes

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

What was Jesus' workout regimen?

CrossFit

I TRIED Chris Hemsworth’s workout regimen.

It works. I was really Thor for theveral days..

What is Jesus Christ's favourite fitness regimen?

CrossFit

A 32 year old Florida man has died after overdosing on his homeopathic regimen.

He forgot to take his pills.


Credit to the great James Randi

This new daily fiber regimen has really helped with my regularity issues. Now, every day at 5am I take a big ol' stinky poo.

I just wish I could get out of bed before 6am.

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife gets instructions from her husband's doctor

Doc: Ma'am, your husband can live a long life, but you have to follow a set of instructions. First, you have to cook his favorite meals, depending on his requests. You'll also have to drive him anywhere he needs to go, and he should get lots of activities. Movies, sport events, you name it. If he pl...

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

A man's mother was having back problems.

He took her to the doctor, who upon inspection told her that she just needed to get some regular stretching done, and prescribed a private yoga tutor. The mother was very much against this idea at first, and the son was skeptical as well, but after some convincing by the doctor, they agreed to give ...

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

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