Map Jokes

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.

I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

I bought a world map for my room, I’m gonna put a pin on everywhere that i’ve travelled…

… but first I gotta travel to the top 2 corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

(Mitch Hedberg 2003)

Why is Atlanta hard to find on a map?

Because it’s area code is 404

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

So I was visiting South Korea but I forgot my phone and I had no map.

It was a true Seoul searching journey.

Finally found my book of maps

Atlast.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

The year is 1799. Napoleon is strategizing with his advisors. A map of Europe is on the table before them...

Napoleon says "Behold, Gentlemen! Our destiny lies within our grasp!"

One advisor asks "What is your plan, General?"

Napoleon slams his fist on the table. "All of Europe will fall to our forces. We shall take it piece by piece until our empire is established. My first step will be to u...

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

How is it that only men can read maps?

Because only a man can believe that an inch equals a mile. - Rosanne (?)

A flat earther is shown a map of the world

"Not only is this world flat as the map truly shows it to be but all the places and physical features are also fictional!" He says

"Why do you think that?" Someone asks

"Because in the key on the side it says everything is a legend."

A new global map (Mildly NSFW)

With the recent changes to Afganistan
plans are being drawn up to rename it
the currently suggested new name is:

Talibanistan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

genie and the wish

A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce ...

My friend drew a map of Asia, but left out Korea

I told him it was a Seouless thing to do

Did you know google maps can work backwards?

But it always gets caught in the spam filter!

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

TEACHER: George go to the map and find North America.

George: Here is it!
TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America?
Class: George!

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

I asked Google Maps the quickest way to the local prison

It told me to rob a bank.

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?

A con-tour map

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

An English man is making a map of Wales

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what's this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the bigg...

I noticed the ship's navigator was scribbling on the table and not the map which made think....

...this guy is off the chart!!!

It was early December, and a cartographer was looking at a map of Costa Rica.

The cartographer noted that the northern part of the country, along the Nicaraguan border, was fairly wide, but the country's width diminished as it trended southeast. At the border with Panama, it was much narrower.

"Hmm," mused the cartographer. "It's beginning to look a lot like Isthmus."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline. Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator. The old man asks "who are you" to which ...

On the map, Canada is above the US.

But isn't it crazy that when I look up I don't see Canada?!

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

How do you get around in Italy? You Rome.
Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok.
I Congo to Africa, Kenya?
Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia
What's the unhappiest state? Misery
Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones.
Why are the so many Subw...

Have you ever noticed that nearly every map of Europe...

...forgets the "L" in Australia?

(1) Say "Eye" (2) Spell the word "Map" (3) Say "Ness".

Yes you are.

A Joke my kid told me

A guy goes to buy a notebook at the stationery shop. He finds a good one wrapped in plastic for $10, so he takes it up to the counter. The cashier rings it up, but tells the guy no matter what, not to look at the last page. The guy thinks it’s an odd thing to say, but pays the $10 and takes the note...

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

I was in a car with a girl who was driving and reading a map, and she said, "I'm looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I post jokes on reddit hoping for upvotes."

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

Damn, girl, are you a map?

Because you give me D-rections.

Here's one my kid made up when she was 8... Why couldn't the guy find his map?

Because he lost his map.

A girl and a csgo map

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

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