For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

An English man is making a map of Wales

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what's this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the bigg...

April 5th national read a map day

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Why did Child Protective Services take Dora the Explorer away from her parents?

Because they allowed her to go off on her own with a known MAP.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

Here's one my kid made up when she was 8... Why couldn't the guy find his map?

Because he lost his map.

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?

A con-tour map

What’s brown, round, and if you give it a map it’ll still get lost?

Dora the Explorer

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's an old Jewish man walking along the beach...

and he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between the Israelis and Palest...

Who found America?

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

Walking in a forest

I was walking through a forest and stumbled across a dead body, I started to check my map, because I was obviously going in circles.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Every time I see one of those maps that say “you are here”

I wonder how do they know it.

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

Finally found my book of maps

Atlast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

(1) Say "Eye" (2) Spell the word "Map" (3) Say "Ness".

Yes you are.

I was in a car with a girl who was driving and reading a map, and she said, "I'm looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I post jokes on reddit hoping for upvotes."

What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

What do you call someone who has a favorite map on Mario Kart?

Racist.

Today I Learned



Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hear about the Royal Navy captain who had a fetish for the map room?

I’m referring to the great Sir Cum Navigator

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?

When it tells them to go straight.

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

What did Biggie say when he first saw a map of the United States?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT

A Catholic priest is reading a map made by the Laffy Taffy Company

As the priest follows the map through the streets of Rio De Janeiro, he gets deeper and deeper into the slums of the city. He stays true to the map, regardless of the neighborhood. An hour later, he is still following the map, regardless of the neighborhood getting even worse. There are gang members...

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

On the map, Canada is above the US.

But isn't it crazy that when I look up I don't see Canada?!

My family is like treasure...

You’d need a map and shovel to find them.

Have you ever noticed that nearly every map of Europe...

...forgets the "L" in Australia?

Next Battlefield map set in Nepal.

It's made using groundbreaking technology.

The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

At what location is the gold on a dog’s treasure map?

Where p marks the spot

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...

One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde wanted to hang a map up in her room and put pins in everywhere she had been

After buying the map, she went to Japan. Then she went to Alaska. Then Antarctica. Then Australia. She finally went home and picked up her map.

"Now I can finally hang it up," she said.

What do you call a journey south east planned out on a map?

Some good downright navigation

What engine does the Google maps car have?

A search engine!

A Call of Duty player doesn't feel well and goes to the Doc

Doctor: What's your favorite map?




Cod player: Terminal

Doctor: What a coincidence.

Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club

He had a bad latitude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

Damn, girl, are you a map?

Because you give me D-rections.

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

The guy who invented the Apple maps app walks into a bar ...

... and says, "Wait a second, this isn't Subway."

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

A girl and a csgo map

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

Two tourists get lost in a pyramid

As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them.

"Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people."

"Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."

Why was the electoral map feeling down?

It wasn't, it was feeling blue.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline. Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator. The old man asks "who are you" to which ...

The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...

...all the other Poles are in Britain.

Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.

What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map?

Incontinent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing Kenya on a map is like seeing a pussy for the first time.

It's lower than I thought it was.

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