A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

If Google maps asks me to rate the Sun

It is not going to get more than "1-star"

For Christmas, I bought my wife a world map and gave her a dart. I told her to throw it and wherever it lands, we will go on vacation after this pandemic is over.

Turns out we are spending two weeks behind the fridge.

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

Here's one my kid made up when she was 8... Why couldn't the guy find his map?

Because he lost his map.

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?

A con-tour map

Today I Learned



Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

Recently people have been supporting MAPs on Twitter

I can't believe there's that many Cartographers.

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

My family is like treasure...

You’d need a map and shovel to find them.

What’s brown, round, and if you give it a map it’ll still get lost?

Dora the Explorer

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar

Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three young college kids on break for summer vacation decided to explore the far ends of the world and see what unique stories and legends they could experience.

Upon their journey, they find a small town filled with families and friends who have lived there for generations on end. The three talk it over and decide it would be fun to stay the night and go chat with the locals to see what transpires.

After checking into the lodge they proceed to unpac...

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...

One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The...

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

Every time I see one of those maps that say “you are here”

I wonder how do they know it.

A Call of Duty player doesn't feel well and goes to the Doc

Doctor: What's your favorite map?




Cod player: Terminal

Doctor: What a coincidence.

What did the boy say after finding a book of maps?

'Yes! Atlas!'

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

What do you call someone who has a favorite map on Mario Kart?

Racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

Finally found my book of maps

Atlast.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

I was in a car with a girl who was driving and reading a map, and she said, "I'm looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I post jokes on reddit hoping for upvotes."

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America

Maria: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria

Two tourists get lost in a pyramid

As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them.

"Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people."

"Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."

Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.

What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

I genuinely hate it when maps mislabel the North

In fact, I consider it to be a cardinal sin.

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

On the map, Canada is above the US.

But isn't it crazy that when I look up I don't see Canada?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

Say: Eye

Spell: map






Say: ness

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

Have you ever noticed that nearly every map of Europe...

...forgets the "L" in Australia?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

What did Biggie say when he first saw a map of the United States?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT

The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

At what location is the gold on a dog’s treasure map?

Where p marks the spot

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

Next Battlefield map set in Nepal.

It's made using groundbreaking technology.

My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body

She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde wanted to hang a map up in her room and put pins in everywhere she had been

After buying the map, she went to Japan. Then she went to Alaska. Then Antarctica. Then Australia. She finally went home and picked up her map.

"Now I can finally hang it up," she said.

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

Damn, girl, are you a map?

Because you give me D-rections.

Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club

He had a bad latitude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline. Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator. The old man asks "who are you" to which ...

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

The guy who invented the Apple maps app walks into a bar ...

... and says, "Wait a second, this isn't Subway."

You know you’ve been in quarantine long enough when..

Your Siri maps suggestion says “8 seconds to the living room!”

A girl and a csgo map

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

Why was the electoral map feeling down?

It wasn't, it was feeling blue.

So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan

But the moment i checked the map I ran.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...

...all the other Poles are in Britain.

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map?

Incontinent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing Kenya on a map is like seeing a pussy for the first time.

It's lower than I thought it was.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.