UPJOKE
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(Got to say this out loud) Knock knock...

- Who's there?

- I eat map

- I eat map who?

- Ewwww (etc, etc)


This is posted on behalf of our seven year old. It's his favourite joke.

My friend drew a map of Asia, but left out Korea

I told him it was a Seouless thing to do

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Yo Mama's so old... and stupid... and fat.

Yo Mama's so old she remembers when Captain Caveman was a lieutenant,

yo Mama's so old, when she went to school history class was just one paragraph.

yo Mama's so stupid, she has a glow in the dark sundial in her garden,

yo Mama's so stupid she went to the Dentist to fix her Blu...

A couple of blondes got lost at the mall.

So, they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says, "YOU ARE HERE."

One of the blondes looks at the others and says, "Wow! How do they know that?"

Did you know google maps can work backwards?

But it always gets caught in the spam filter!

Boris Johnson said that Vladimir Putin is redrawing the map of Europe in blood.

I bet it's hard to get refills for that printer.

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

Why is Atlanta hard to find on a map?

Because it’s area code is 404

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A string theorist and his friend get lost while driving through the countryside

The string theorist pulls out a map, looks for awhile, turns to his friend and says “I think I’ve figured out where we are.” His friend asks, “ok, where are we?” and so the string theorist points to a mountain in the distance and says “we’re over there!”

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Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears.

The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Mi...

I noticed the ship's navigator was scribbling on the table and not the map which made think....

...this guy is off the chart!!!

Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.

I received an email about an online course on Map Reading & Navigation.

They say it's so good you'll be able to read maps backwards.

But I soon realized it was just spam.

Here in missouri.

We call it the midwest, but looking at a map you’ll notice that it’s more east than west. It made me wonder why we call it the Midwest, but then I realized that we are mostly a red state, and I can’t imagine those folks wanting to call it the Mideast.

TEACHER: George go to the map and find North America.

George: Here is it!
TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America?
Class: George!

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

Why did Child Protective Services take Dora the Explorer away from her parents?

Because they allowed her to go off on her own with a known MAP.

I got a world map for my wall, I'm going to put pins in all the places I've traveled to ...

... but first, I have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

(credit to Mitch Hedberg, about 2003)

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

My favorite Will Smith movie is the one where he is part of a map

I Am Legend

It was early December, and a cartographer was looking at a map of Costa Rica.

The cartographer noted that the northern part of the country, along the Nicaraguan border, was fairly wide, but the country's width diminished as it trended southeast. At the border with Panama, it was much narrower.

"Hmm," mused the cartographer. "It's beginning to look a lot like Isthmus."

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

With the boredom of lock-down.

My Wife and I have pinned a map up in the kitchen.

We have one dart each, wherever the dart lands

on the map is our destination for our vacation next

year, turns out, we are going to behind the fridge..

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

I wanted to use a paper map when sightseeing but my girlfriend insisted on using her phone

It was my way or the Huawei.

Why does Santa need to have all of his maps custom made?

He uses polar coordinates!

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There's an old Jewish man walking along the beach...

and he comes across a magic lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, "I would like peace in the Middle East between the Israelis and Palest...

Who found America?

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

My wife's an absolute treasure....

By that I mean, you'll need a map and a shovel to find her.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

April 5th national read a map day

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

A geography teacher assigned each of his students a country to find on a map

He gave them the task of finding their assigned country on the globe, and explaining how it can be identified

'I can find Italy on the globe, Sir' says James 'It's easy because it looks like a boot'

'Well done James' says the teacher

'I can find Pakistan on the globe' says Emily...

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, "throw this and wherever it lands - that's where I'm taking you when this pandemic ends."

Turns out, we're spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Walking in a forest

I was walking through a forest and stumbled across a dead body, I started to check my map, because I was obviously going in circles.

Today I Learned



Monaco schools study the map of the city in geography lessons.

I got a mail saying that I won 1 million dollars because I could read Maps backwards

I thought to myself, "Thats just Spam"

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

When I walked past the charthouse on the upper deck, I saw Larry furiously scribbling on a map!

I just know that guy's plotting something.

iPhones map app has major problems

iPhone map app has a major problem. The voice directed me to "turn left then bear right" .... but it was really just a cat sitting there.

What do idiots on Twitter and a cartographer have in common?

Map awareness.

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

An English man is making a map of Wales

He goes in to the first place he comes across. Walks in to the biggest building and asks the first person he can find, what's this place called? Cardiff the person says. The English man marks Cardiff on his map and carrys on. After a while he spots another settlement so again he walks in to the bigg...

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

This one is a bit of a long one so just bear with me. It is a joke commonly said among post soviet people

Stalin sits at his usual table, in the glorius kremlin studying the map of eastern germany. His pencil sitting proudly beside him. Comrade Stalin looks away for a split second, and the pencil is gone! Stalin takes out a second pencil and places it on the table. Looks the other way again and the seco...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?

A con-tour map

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A Brazilian and a Venezuelan gets into a fight

They cant agree on which country has the best ass cheeks. To settle the debate in a fair non partisan manner they decide to consult the most advance AI of the Time.



The AI prompts them to word their question very carefully because it always outputs exactly what it is asked from it. <...

An American couple are driving across Canada

An American couple are driving across Canada and they get lost while exploring the prairies. They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls over.

"I'll go ask him where the next town is," he says as he gets out.

He walks up to the farmer and asks,

"Hey there, c...

A cartographer is asked to make a giant topographic map

He is very meticulous, agonizing over every little detail on the map. After months of work, he nervously presents it to his client, who says it's perfect and commissions another big project. As he leaves the meeting, the cartographer takes a deep breath, turns to his assistant, and says, "I was real...

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

Here's one my kid made up when she was 8... Why couldn't the guy find his map?

Because he lost his map.

Someone colored all over the southeast part of my world map

That was just downright rude!

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An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

Why was the cat laying on the globe?

He wanted to take a cat map.

Two tourists get lost in a pyramid

As they are wandering about, a man in a suit approaches them.

"Are you lost, gentlemen?" he says. "Would you like to buy a map? Perhaps you can buy more of them so you can sell it to other people."

"Don't trust him," says one tourist to the other, "it's a pyramid scheme."

American discovery mapping error (with the right to offend)

The Spanish Cartography Society summoned their voyaging artist, Amerigo Vespucci, to explain what his purported maps of India depicted instead of the standard, approved reality.

AV famously stated, "Um.. err.. I ca.."

Say: Eye

Spell: map






Say: ness

I heard if you look in a map's corner and see the words "BLOODY ROSEMARY," you'll die.

But that's just an herb in legend.

I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.

What a legend.

My cartographer wife was worried she'd lost some important topographical maps

We looked all morning trying to find them. We looked high and we looked low. Finally, when all hope was lost and she thought she was going to have to re-draw them from scratch, I found some maps in a desk drawer I hadn't checked. When I showed her what I'd found, she said 'Oh, that's a relief!'

Bill Clinton finds a lantern washed up on the beach...

One day Bill Clinton was walking along the beach and found a magic lamp that had washed up, partially buried in the sand. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, “One wish.” Bill thought for a minute and said, “I want to be the guy who brings peace in the Middle East.” The...

A tourist on the London Underground asked me how to get to Heathrow via Barking.

So I pointed at a map and woofed...

So last week i went into a country i thought was Afghanistan

But the moment i checked the map I ran.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

You know you’ve been in quarantine long enough when..

Your Siri maps suggestion says “8 seconds to the living room!”

The other day I downloaded the maps of Wales, England, Scotland and Northern Ireland for an assignment...

was shocked to see that the total file size was 1GB.

Everyone around me calls me aimless.

It was time for me to move away from all these toxic people to a whole new place. So, I bought a large US map, put it on the wall, and decided to move to the place my dart hits.



Viva la Vida, here I come, Rio.

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A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

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A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confid...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

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In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

What’s brown, round, and if you give it a map it’ll still get lost?

Dora the Explorer

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

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"I can't find it!"

First grade class. Teacher introduces a new student, Billy.

A bit later, Billy raises his hand and asks to go the boys room. He comes back a few minutes later and says, "I can't find it!"

She tells him, "Go right, down the hall, it will be on your left." Billy leaves, comes back...

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Bob and Pete went treasure hunting in a deep jungle (sad story)

"Damn it Pete, it's been three days we've got no burgers, no beer, not even a couch and It's all your fault!"

"Won't be long now Bob, the map says it's somewhere 'round here... how 'bout you go east i go west that would save us some time right?"

"Right... This better be worth it Pete"<...

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A Jewish man rubs a lamp. POOF: Genie. “You get one wish.”

Jewish man pulls out a map from his back pocket and points at Israel and Palestine. “See these two countries? I wish for peace here.”
Genie: “Can’t be done. You have another wish?”
Jewish man: “Sure. Before I die, I want my wife to give me one last blowjob.”
Genie: “Can I see th...

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Little Johnny is sitting in the back of anatomy class.

The teacher is pointing at a map of the body and telling the kids about what each part of the body does. She points at the penis on the diagram and says, "This is the penis. Every boy has one penis and it is for--"

"Hey, teacher," Little Johnny interrupts, "that's not right. My daddy has two ...

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[NSFW] [Long] Three men are stranded in the middle of the desert. Each one of them is starving, thirsty, and desperate to get home...

As they trudge through the endless desert, one of them spots a small cottage in the distance with scrap metal and junk all around it. He told the others and they all thought it was just a mirage. But as they drew near the cottage, they learned that it was very real.

They all get excited. C...

A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

A woman is taking a walk on the beach at sunset

when suddenly, her foot hits something hard. (No, not that, stop.) It is a magic lamp! She rubs it and the genie comes out :

\- You who found me, I grant you one wish!

\- Only one? the woman answers, but usually it's three!

\- Yeah yeah I know but these a difficult times for eve...

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest...

An engineer, a mathematician, a cartographer and a philosopher have a contest. Whoever can fence off the largest area of land with only 100 meters of fence will win and prove their profession superior.

The engineer goes first, and using his expertise makes a square 25m by 25m for 625m^(2). Co...

Every time I see one of those maps that say “you are here”

I wonder how do they know it.

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When I was lost in the woods

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the woods when I became lost. I had no compass, no map and wandered for hours, then days trying to find my way back. As I made my way through the muck and mud, I became hungry, more hungry than I had ever been, and found a few berries to satiate me for a ...

A Catholic priest is reading a map made by the Laffy Taffy Company

As the priest follows the map through the streets of Rio De Janeiro, he gets deeper and deeper into the slums of the city. He stays true to the map, regardless of the neighborhood. An hour later, he is still following the map, regardless of the neighborhood getting even worse. There are gang members...

I think I have finally made it big in my life. Today a representative from one of worlds biggest company said I have arrived.

It was google maps.

Some guys get lost while hiking through the hills...

One guy takes out the map and looks at it. He stares at the map for almost half an hour. His friends get a little nervous.

"What are you looking at? Where are we?" one friend asks.

"You guys see that mountain over there?" the guy says, pointing at a mountain far away.

"Yeah." th...

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The Pacific ocean has a rating of 3.5 stars on Google maps.

Who the fuck is downvoting the ocean?

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What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?

When it tells them to go straight.

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The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

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One Wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wag...

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For our silver wedding anniversary I got a map of the world, gave my wife a dart, and said we'd go wherever the dart lands!

I'm happy to announce in october were going to spend a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board!

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Legend tells of an incredible hero...

Legend tells of an incredible hero: Carto-Man. Half of his body is a regular human, but the other half is made up of a key from a map.


The man, the myth, the legend

A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, "Im looking for a turn-off."

I said, "I respost jokes on Reddit."

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

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