A girl was driving down the road with me in the car, and she was fumbling with a map and saying, “I'm looking for a turn-off.”

I said, “I repost jokes on Reddit.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?

When it tells them to go straight.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...

“That’s just spam.”

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

The military has announced they are going to bomb Syria off the map.

They are naming the bombs "Son of Sam" and "Jack the Ripper."

They're Syria killers.

Someone's just beaten me with a map of Belgium...

and now I'm all covered in brugeses

What did the treasure hunter say when he finally found the map of the Golden City?

Atlas!

What is D.B Cooper's favorite CoD map?

Hijack

I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions

It opened up this subreddit

(1) Say "Eye" (2) Spell the word "Map" (3) Say "Ness".

Yes you are.

For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.

I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.

Have you tried out the new celebrity voice feature for Google Maps?

I chose Matthew McConaughey, but now I can't turn left...

A guy using Apple maps walks into a bar

...or maybe a hospital....or possibly a church

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.

It was a constellation prize

At what location is the gold on a dog’s treasure map?

Where p marks the spot

What do you do when you want to find a mythical location on a map?

Well legend has it...

Have you ever noticed that nearly every map of Europe...

...forgets the "L" in Australia?

What did Biggie say when he first saw a map of the United States?

WHERE BROOKLYN AT

It's well known that men can read maps better than women.

But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

Finally found my book of maps

Atlast.

The reason that men can read maps better than women...

They intuitively understand that one inch equals a mile

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The world map nowadays looks like a human being

Asia is like the brain, all the smart things comes from there.

Middle East is like the stomach, all the churning and rumbling like all the wars happening right now

Europe is like the backbone, try to maintain world peace and keeping the world in shape.

And then there's America, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde wanted to hang a map up in her room and put pins in everywhere she had been

After buying the map, she went to Japan. Then she went to Alaska. Then Antarctica. Then Australia. She finally went home and picked up her map.

"Now I can finally hang it up," she said.

What do you call an alligator with a map?

A Navigator.

The best police in the world: FBI, Scotland Yard or Brazilian Police

FBI, Scotland Yard and the brazilian police were in a competition to determine the best police in the world. A international jury released a rabbit in a dark forest.

The FBI started the search using high-tech localization techniques, satellite maps, nightvision goggles and a DNA tracer. The a...

The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

What engine does the Google maps car have?

A search engine!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Old Jew and the Genie

One day, a very old Jewish man was walking down the street when he encountered a tarnished brass lamp.

As he tried to polish it up with his sleeve, lo and behold a genie appeared in a puff of smoke.

"Master of the lamp, I am able to grant you one wish!" the genie bellows.

The o...

Women are like road maps.

I spend a lot of time looking at them, but they always end up making me confused.

50 shades of grey would be a perfect title for a movie about a dog reading a map of the US.

EDIT: Thanks a million to everyone who upvoted. It's the first time I get these many. Oh, and by the way, the joke is stolen, it's a meme that has been going around for a while now, so... middle finger to all of you.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

You gota map?

An old pilot regains his desire to fly, so he acquires all of the needed certifications to fly for a popular airline. Sitting down as a first officer, waiting for the lead pilot, a younger flight officer takes a seat at a small table behind the old aviator. The old man asks "who are you" to which ...

What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Syria?

A map.

I've got a map of Italy tattooed on my chest

I've got really sore Naples though

What did they call the man who knew how to read maps?

A legend

When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, "If you're ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it."

One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road.

Then breaking through the flu...

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

Why did the cartographer get kicked out of map making club

He had a bad latitude

Little Johnny, a young American boy, is down at the shops when..

He sees a group of disgruntled looking Australian tourists holding maps and wandering around.

Being the inquisitive young lad that he is he decides to try and find out a bit about them. Although he cant understand a word they're saying he quickly learns that they're from an ancient Australian...

The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...

...all the other Poles are in Britain.

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

The American view of the world is too self-centered...

I mean on maps they literally label their country "US."

My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body

She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.

Legend tells of an incredible hero...

Legend tells of an incredible hero: Carto-Man. Half of his body is a regular human, but the other half is made up of a key from a map.


The man, the myth, the legend

What is Donald Trump's favorite Counter Strike map?

de_port

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his fath...

One Wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wag...

Why was the electoral map feeling down?

It wasn't, it was feeling blue.

Damn, girl, are you a map?

Because you give me D-rections.

A girl and a csgo map

Baby, if you were a CS:GO map you would be de_stroyed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I used Apple Maps to find my girlfriend's clitoris

Ended up licking a doorknob.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Seeing Kenya on a map is like seeing a pussy for the first time.

It's lower than I thought it was.

Next Battlefield map set in Nepal.

It's made using groundbreaking technology.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airpo...

The guy who invented the Apple maps app walks into a bar ...

... and says, "Wait a second, this isn't Subway."

The United States is under attack in American schools

The map of America had four tacks holding it to the wall in nearly every classroom I was in.

What do you call someone who wears a diaper fashioned from a map?

Incontinent

I wrote a song about drawing maps,

but it never made the charts.

Map jokes

How do you get around in Italy? You Rome.
Why does everyone love Thailand? They Bangkok.
I Congo to Africa, Kenya?
Why do the French take there time? They hate to Russia
What's the unhappiest state? Misery
Who are the unhappiest Europeans? The Hungary ones.
Why are the so many Subw...

Knock, knock

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map, who?

*Ewwwww.*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the pissed-off cartographer tasked with redrawing the map of Canada's largest territory?

He was halving Nunavut.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death

I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman is sitting alone at a bar when a man approaches her and asks her "Do you wash your pannts with Windex?"

"Uh... no. Why?"

"Because I can see myself in them".

She rolls her eyes, dismisses him and goes back to her drink. A few minutes later another man approaches her. "Do you have a map?"

"Ugh, let me guess... you're getting lost in my eyes? Sorry, heard it before." Dejected, ...

History lesson for blondes

A history teacher has a class of 20 blondes. He asks to the class:

Can any one of you show me where America is on the map?

Nancy gets up, walks to the map and puts her finger exactly where America is.

Excellent, says the teacher. Now can anyone tell me who discovered...

Inmate escapes prison

Johnny had been in prison for only a year into his life long sentence with no hope for parole that he had decided that he would not be dying in prison. Using outside connections and some small favors he was able to get a small spoon and a local map of the surrounding area to the prison. After ten ye...

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

My family is like treasure

You need a map, and a shovel to find them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old Jew is walking along, sees a lamp, picks it up and rubs it...

A genie pops out and says, "For freeing me I will grant you one wish."

The old Jew pulls out a map and points to it. "You see this area? This is called the Middle East. There's been nothing but death, destruction and bloodshed for thousands of years. Could you do something about that?"
...

Bill Gates is walking on his private beach of his villa...

...and finds an old bottle in the sand. He opens it and a genie appears. The genie euphorically says: "Thanks for the rescue, Master, you have one wish."
Gates does not think long and says: "Here is a map with all the crisis areas of the earth. There should be peace everywhere." The ghost takes t...

Physics

Two theoretical physicists are lost at the top of a mountain. Theoretical physicist No 1 pulls out a map and peruses it for a while. Then he turns to theoretical physicist No 2 and says: "Hey, I've figured it out. I know where we are." 
"Where are we then?" 
"Do you see that mountain over ther...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 25-Inch Dick

Once, there was a man who had a 25 inch dick which was obviously very troublesome for him, he consulted doctors and tried home remedies but had no effect. His mother, who was very religious told him to meet a saint. Reluctantly, he agreed. This was a special saint, who lived in the deep woods of Ind...

*Knock knock* (courtesy of a 9 year old)

Who's there?

I eat map.

I eat map who?

*Queue a disgusted face on my cousin* **YOU EAT YOUR POO!**

An old Vermonter who lives right on the Massachusetts boundary has his land surveyed...

After the survey was complete and the new map was made, it turned out that he had been living in Massachusetts all this time.

​

"Good" said the old man. "I can't take any more of those Vermont winters!"

​

There once was hippo child prodigy.

Just by hanging around tourists, he learned to talk, and soon thereafter to read.

Eventually, he started attending a nearby primary school for humans and he turned out to be very very smart indeed, even by human standards. Typing, thanks to his symbiotic oxpecker buddy, made him a prolific au...

Irish Airways

Good morning ladies and gentlemen, this is your capt'n S Murphy O'Sullivan welcoming you to Irish Airlines! We apologise for the 4 day delay in takin' off, sadly this was unavoidable due to to the bad weather and happy hour at Ó Ceallaighs' bar.

This is flight 367 to Shannon Airport, Landi...

How do you make your girlfriend stop believing in the Earth being flat?

You make her wear a dress that shows a map of the Earth.

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good...

An Indian shaman dies and his only student isn't very good but he can't let his people down so when they ask him if snow is coming he tells them.

"I must go and speak with the spirits. All of you cut firewood until I get back though just in case." And so the whole tribe begins cutting wood an...

A family holds a reunion and decides to run a lemonade stand.

The mother was an architect, the father was a computer scientist, the son was a business owner, and the daughter was a prostitute. The family held a reunion and decided that a great bonding exercise would be to run a lemonade stand.

The family split tasks when designing the lemonade stand. Th...

Naval History Lesson

Long ago, when ships sailed the oceans, a captain would fill a box with maps and navigation charts, and other tools necessary for warfare on the high seas. In preparation for battle, he would call to his first mate to bring him his "War Chest".

Once, a merchant ship was captured by surprise ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

Three women were walking

Three women were walking when they suddenly came across a wild river on their path.
They had to get across the river, but they had no idea how they were going to tackle this problem.

The first woman prayed to God:

"God, give me the strength to cross this river."

Pouf!

...

So an Army Ranger wants himself a pair of Gator Boots...

But this being an Army Ranger, he's not just going to buy himself a pair of boots, no, he's gonna make his own. So he heads down to Louisiana and makes his way to the bayou. He finds a nice little bait shop, buys himself a nice knife, and asks the shop owner where he can find himself a decent size g...

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : Yo...