Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

What do you call an adult female chicken that likes to draft blueprints?

A Hen-gineer

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

Everyone’s complaining about the draft, and I don’t understand.

Just close the window.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary

A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary.

First, the recruiters came to Mr Rabbit's home.

- Knock-knock
- Who is it?
- We're the recruiters, we want to draft you to the army.

Mr Rabbit thinked fast and he cut of his thumb. Then he opened ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

What did the redditor do with his rough draft?

EDIT:

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied “What poster?” after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shou...

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

I’m writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes..

It’s only a draft at the moment.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

A man enters the confessional...

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w...

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

How do demons draft their contracts?

They use paralegals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...

...And here's the kicker...

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

I escaped the WW3 draft

I guess you can say Iran

I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

What did I do when I got drafted to the US army for the WW3

Iran.

“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?”

“I ran”

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did?

Iran.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

What do you call it when you want your sports team to tank for draft picks?

More L support

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

What do aldi and the nfl draft have in common?

They're both places you can get a quarterback

A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army

He heard they had an excellent draft.

What beer does Trump hate?

Draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a draft light beer and making love on a boat?

Both are fuckin close to water..

Why is Bill Cosby so good at Fantasy drafts?

He always nails the sleepers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

I'm trying a different writing process in which I write out a bunch of ideas in small rough drafts, then I choose to work further on the one I think works best.

My parents are going to be impressed when they see how creative and error free my suicide letter is.

I am in the process of writing a big research paper on hurricanes.

The first draft really blew me away.

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

Why does Trump dance to "YMCA" and "Macho Man" but not "In The Navy"?

Because he dodged the draft, so he can't relate to it.

A man gets drafted into a war

He lines up with the other men who got drafted. The quarter master hands him his uniform and a broom stick. What's the broom for sir? We ran out of guns just point it at enemies and yell bangitty bangitty bang.

He finally end up in a battle and he does what any other man would do stuck in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

A young man frantically runs up to a nun.

The young man says, "Please sister, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!"

The nun replies, "if it's really so important, I suppose it's alright. Just keep your eyes closed while you're under there."

The young man climbs under the nun's skirt. Just a few moments later, two s...

Aaron Hernandez is going to be a steal in everyone's fantasy draft this year

Experts are saying that he'll probably be hanging around and available in the late rounds.

A hare, a fox, and a bear have to get their physical exam for the military draft

However, they all don't want to join the army.

The hare is called first by the doctor. So he says to his friends: "I really don't want to join the army, we have think of something, quick!" They all think for a moment, then the bear suggests: "What if we cut off you ears; a hare without its ea...

A man that had just married the most beautiful woman in town was drafted to go to war the next day

Not wanting that such beautiful woman would 'go to waste' if he was killed in battle he puts a chastity belt on her and gives his best friend the key to the belt making him promise he would ONLY take the belt off if the man was killed.
The man boards the train that would take him to the battle f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

Herman James Was Drafted

Forty-five years ago Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day the Army issued him a tooth brush.

That afternoon an Army dent...

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields?

I'm not sure about this NFL draft thing.

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

Joke Archeology -- who's heard an older version of this often recycled joke?

I heard this one the first time back in the early 70's.

Richard Nixon and Henry Kissinger were giving a young hippie hitchhiker a ride home in Air Force One from the Camp David Area, they started having engine trouble, unfortunately there were only four parachutes and the drafted pilots ju...

My dog ate my homework

It was a ruff draft.

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

A graduate student and thesis advisor walk into a bar.

The advisor orders a full draft. They sit in awkward silence for a full year.

Out West

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were passing through town on an incredibly hot afternoon. They rode up to a saloon and hitched their horses. The Lone Ranger told Tonto to run circles around the horses to create a draft and keep them cool. Meanwhile he went inside to get a drink. After a couple beers, a fe...

Bangity-Bangity (long)

A young man who had been raised to be deathly afraid of guns was drafted into the army. He was ordered to overcome his fear or face perpetual KP duty. So, he went to a hypnotist who convinced him he would never have to fire a gun. "Just point your finger and say, 'Bangity-Bangity.'"

When in b...

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar. He sees another patron and decides to sit down next to him.

A man walks into a bar. He sees one other patron in the bar and decides to sit down next to him. After a few drinks the man starts chatting up the patron.

Eventually, after a few more drinks and conversation, the patron asks the man if he wants to see something really incredible, but that he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

Big Joe

A guy runs into a bar. "I'll have a vodka tonic, but make it snappy!" he says to the bartender.

The barkeep hands him his drink. The guy throws a twenty down and says, "Keep the change. I gotta get out of here, Big Joe's coming!"

Hearing this, patrons all over the bar frantically get u...

The Ant and the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no f...

Donald Trump is set to star in a sequel to the movie Dodgeball

Because if you can dodge a draft you can dodge a ball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Grandpa was an amazing man

My grandpa left school and was told by his parents, whom could clearly afford it, that if he wanted to study at university he would need to pay his own way. Well he did exactly that and took a role as a mail boy in a merchant bank.

When WW1 broke he was drafted and fought as a officer in the ...

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test...

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

The British definitely put the "ugh"

...in draft beer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Corey was feeling very cold during his entire life.

One day he died and went to Heaven. Meeting St. Peter at the Heaven’s Gate Corey asks him.

\- St Peter, I was freezing all of my life and was dreaming about how warm it would be in Hell if I could get there. Can you please send me to Hell so I would get some warm?

\- You’ve spent quite...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ugly guy walks into a bar...

A rather ugly man walks into a bar with a big grin on his face, and Orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the Railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar, last night, INoticed...

A business was looking for office help and puts a sign on the window

The sign reads: "HELP WANTED: We are an equal opportunity employer looking for someone good with computers, Word, Excel and is bilingual"

One day a dog walks up, sees the sign and goes inside. He looks at the receptionist, looks back at the sign and barks.

Figuring out what the dog ca...

A man visits the doctor because he’s suffering from a miserable winter cold.

His doctor prescribes some antibiotics, but they don’t help. On his next visit, the doctor gives the man a shot, but it doesn’t do any good. On his third visit, the doctor tells the man to go home and take a steaming hot bath. As soon as he gets out of the bath, he should open all of the windows in ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.