UPJOKE
outlineblueprintdraughtplanlevyrecruitdrinksketchconscriptiondrawingenlistgulpmusterswigtipple

Draft Jokes

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied “What poster?” after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shou...

A Wolf and a Hare are being drafted into the army.

The Hare goes in first to be tested. An officer shows him a pistol:

O: What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him an assault rifle): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a grenade): What's that?

H: I don't know.

O (showing him a brick): What...

Why did the chicken avoid the military draft?

To avoid being placed in the same unit as Colonel Sanders.

Why did the Russian oligarch sign up for the draft?

Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

Is there an “f” in lieutenant?

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it...

Everyone’s complaining about the draft, and I don’t understand.

Just close the window.

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

A boy from the backcountry was drafted into the Army.

On the first day, they issued him a comb. Later that day, the barber shaved his head.

The next day, they issued him a toothbrush. Later that day, the dentist pulled three of his teeth.

The next day, they issued him a jockstrap.

He has been AWOL ever since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

A Michael Sam joke

After being drafted by the St. Louis Rams, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic because it’s the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams. - Conan O'brien

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey man, i avoided the draft.

Bullshit. What did you do?


I ran.

What kind of cells get drafted for war?

Diploid

How do demons draft their contracts?

They use paralegals

The master plan the terrorists had drafted for Jan 6th

Here's the plan the terrorists came up with that seemed to have worked so brilliantly for everything else they had seen in the internet:

1. Storm the Capitol

2. ???

3. Profit

What do you call an adult female chicken that likes to draft blueprints?

A Hen-gineer

I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

If you already drafted Andrew for your fantasy football team

You're out of Luck.

You don't have to worry about a draft in the United States

Every time Trump clicks "Draft", it just saves the email and never sends.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.

He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

A man gets drafted into a war

He lines up with the other men who got drafted. The quarter master hands him his uniform and a broom stick. What's the broom for sir? We ran out of guns just point it at enemies and yell bangitty bangitty bang.

He finally end up in a battle and he does what any other man would do stuck in ...

Old Russian joke

A young guy is drafted into the army, he pleads to the Chief Enlistment Officer:

Conscript - I beg you, tell them I'm unfit for duty and I'l give you $1000!

Officer - You're not lying to me are you? Alright, meet me at the cemetery at 2AM with the money.

The conscript arrives th...

Given that we live in an era of equality, it is only fair that for every 100 men drafted for the war...

We shall draft 79 women.

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

Did you hear about the man who would draw without a rough draft?

Of course not. He disappeared without a trace.

A man was travelling the countryside with his 8-year-old daughter. One particularly stormy night they were forced to take shelter in a local mansion owned by a lonely widow. The widow was happy to receive guests and was very hospitable for the two weary travellers.

The next morning the father said to his daughter:

"I have to take care of some business in the nearby town. Mrs. Sterling has kindly agreed to look after you while I'm gone. I will be back tomorrow morning. Promise to be good while I'm gone."

"Yes father, I promise", the little girl sa...

The military told me that I was being drafted. You know what I did?

Iran.

Herman James Was Drafted

Forty-five years ago Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day the Army issued him a tooth brush.

That afternoon an Army dent...

Why is Bill Cosby so good at Fantasy drafts?

He always nails the sleepers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a draft light beer and making love on a boat?

Both are fuckin close to water..

What do aldi and the nfl draft have in common?

They're both places you can get a quarterback

After the first 2 rounds of the NFL draft, this team's fans didnt think things could possibly get any worse...

...And here's the kicker...

“You were able to escape the draft, Become President and now you’re trying to avoid impeachment. How?”

“I ran”

Aaron Hernandez is going to be a steal in everyone's fantasy draft this year

Experts are saying that he'll probably be hanging around and available in the late rounds.

A hare, a fox, and a bear have to get their physical exam for the military draft

However, they all don't want to join the army.

The hare is called first by the doctor. So he says to his friends: "I really don't want to join the army, we have think of something, quick!" They all think for a moment, then the bear suggests: "What if we cut off you ears; a hare without its ea...

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Finding the loot

Jose had robbed a bank in Texas and fled south across the Rio Grande with the Texas Rangers in hot pursuit. They caught up with him in a town in Old Mexico, only to discover that Jose spoke no English and none of the pursuers spoke any Spanish. They drafted one of the locals – the school teacher – t...

Today I turned in my rough draft of a paper on Darwin’s theory.

The teacher said it would be decent with modification.

What do Europeans facing high gas prices and Russian men have in common?

They both fear a draft

The US military wanted to draft one of three people, an electrician, an engineer, and a politician. All three were asked why they should be able to stay with their families:

The electrician said, “If you draft me, who will work on your vehicles and weapons when they are broken?“

The engineer then followed with, “If you draft me, who will build the vehicles and weapons for the electrician to work on when they are broken?”

The politician then said, with a sl...

Two well dressed men....

Two well dressed men are talking at a rooftop bar about 70 stories from the ground floor. They over hear a guy talking about how he's a hedge fund manager and how much money he makes. One of the well dressed men mentions to his friend how much he hates hedge fund managers. His friend agrees.
The ...

A man that had just married the most beautiful woman in town was drafted to go to war the next day

Not wanting that such beautiful woman would 'go to waste' if he was killed in battle he puts a chastity belt on her and gives his best friend the key to the belt making him promise he would ONLY take the belt off if the man was killed.
The man boards the train that would take him to the battle f...

How long will it take an author to write "The Guide To All The World's Great Beers"?

It depends on how many drafts they have to go through.

Some Russian anti-war jokes

1. "Partial mobilization" is when you are drafted in whole, and returned back in parts.

2. "Dad, why are we hauled off to the trenches?" "I don't know, son, I'm not into politics."

3. For a long time, the government told us, "if you don't like Russia, go to another country." Now they t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese sailor sent out an SOS call.

Just as he is sinking a small boat from the Vladivostok coastguard arrives. Four men greet him and help him onboard.

The first gives him a towel. The sailor dries himself and tries to thank the man, but neither speak each others language very well. The second gives him a warm military jacket...

I'm trying a different writing process in which I write out a bunch of ideas in small rough drafts, then I choose to work further on the one I think works best.

My parents are going to be impressed when they see how creative and error free my suicide letter is.

What beer does Trump hate?

Draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia...

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Australia and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Fosters beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pour...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A drunk man tried to enlist in the Army

He heard they had an excellent draft.

Why does Trump dance to "YMCA" and "Macho Man" but not "In The Navy"?

Because he dodged the draft, so he can't relate to it.

Did you hear about the dog that writes books?

Probably not, he’s never been published.

He only does ruff drafts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys are sitting in a bar on top of a cliff on the Pacific Ocean

They are all watching the birds fly down close to the water, catch the draft and fly all the way back up.

One of the guys then exclaims, “I bet you I can do the same thing as the birds; drop down, catch the draft and have it carry me back up.”

“No you can’t” the second guy explains, “t...

drunk driving

A man driving back home get arrested by the police, the police asked for his driver's license and suddenly smelled a beer draft and ask the man:

Have you been drinking beer? And the man said: nooo!

The police said alright get out of the car…

The man opens the door and as he trie...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

I’m a suicidal perfectionist…

No matter how many drafts of my suicide note I write, I just can’t seem to end it.

Trump's favorite baseball team is the Yankees

Except during the draft, then it's the Dodgers.

Our new puppy is still learning how to bark..

All he can come up with now are ruff drafts !

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

Why do writers always feel cold?

Because they are surrounded by drafts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

My dog ate my homework

It was a ruff draft.

A young man frantically runs up to a nun.

The young man says, "Please sister, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!"

The nun replies, "if it's really so important, I suppose it's alright. Just keep your eyes closed while you're under there."

The young man climbs under the nun's skirt. Just a few moments later, two s...

I don't know if anybody's done this before

the US tried to draft me
but Iran away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Artificial Intelligence & Counter Intelligence

Hey Google, I am feeling the urge to have sex.


Google: Most certainly. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 degrees. Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it. I have hired your favourite Thai masseuse.

She is just 12 minutes ...

A man enters the confessional...

A man enters the confessional after not attending church for many years. He pulls the curtain and sits inside. Surprised, he notices that there is a small bar with crystal glasses, nice cognacs and even a tap for draft beer. There is also a selection of luxury cigars, and on the wall is a calendar w...

Trump tries to avoid the wind, not because of his hair...

But because of the draft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The wife and the game warden

One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a little boy who wants a bike..

So he goes and asks his mom for a bike to which she replies that maybe if he prays, god will bring him a bike.

So he sits down and writes Jesus a letter .." Dear jesus, if you give me a bike I wont sin for 1 year.."

He walks down to the mailbox but before leaving the house sees his mot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend. . .

A guy decides to buy his new girlfriend a pair of gloves for Christmas. After all, they’ve only been dating for three weeks so it seems like the ideal gift – romantic, yet not too personal.

He asks the girlfriend’s younger sister to accompany him to buy them then she can point out a pair she’...

Donald Trump is set to star in a sequel to the movie Dodgeball

Because if you can dodge a draft you can dodge a ball.

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

Ed Christie, CEO of Spirit Airlines, walks into a bar.

He says to the bartender “Can I have a draft beer?"

The bartender says "Sure thing. That'll be .50¢"

He replies "50 cents? That's really cheap!"

The bartender looks up and finishes with ."....and it'll be $3 for the glass, $4 if you just stand, $8 if you want to sit down, and ...

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test...

Stay away from G-mail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine

There's clearly a draft in there.

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What was it called when the Japanese forced all their best drivers to be in the Fast and the Furious movie?

Tokyo Draft

Why are Donald Trump's letters so poorly written?

He can't do drafts because of bone spurs.

I live in Nashville.

Weather is nice here in the Nashville area this weekend. Sunny. A little chilly though so must be a.......draft....

Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Draft: Only technically savy people like ME know how to text and dri

Im writing a stage show based on the movie Twister

Ive gotten as far as the first draft

Out West

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were passing through town on an incredibly hot afternoon. They rode up to a saloon and hitched their horses. The Lone Ranger told Tonto to run circles around the horses to create a draft and keep them cool. Meanwhile he went inside to get a drink. After a couple beers, a fe...

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

What kind of papers do dogs write?

A ruff draft.

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

What do you call a gust of wind that blows a black guy off of a boat?

The NBA draft

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.