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Just got fired from my job at Google Maps. Apparently I was terrible at drawing the boundaries between countries.

They said I was borderline incompetent.

What do you call a drawing of a clown?

A comedy sketch.

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The eldest of my six kids came up to me earlier and showed me a drawing she'd done of her mum's vagina. It looked incredibly realistic.

Especially when the other five came along and ripped it to fucking pieces.

Library Line

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take y...

Two Elderly Couples are Having Dinner…

Man #1: “We had dinner last week at this amazing restaurant. Four courses and a dessert that was heaven”

Man #2: “Sounds nice. What was the name of it?”

Man #1: “Oh jeez, my mind isn’t as good as it was, I’m drawing a blank. What’s the name of that flower with the thorns on it?”
...

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

If you make 10 drawings, you’re not an artist

And if you cook 10 meals, you’re not a chef

But if you kill ONE person...

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high

She looked surprised.

What has the head of a dog, the body of a pig, and the legs of a spider?

My daughter's drawing of a snake.

Why are farmers so good at drawing circles?

Because the are Protractors

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I’ve spent the last month working on a super detailed drawing of Oedipus.

It’s really been a motherfucker.

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Did you hear about the Jewish man who kept drawing on his penis?

He was told for good hygiene you have to draw back your foreskin.

What’s the deal with Furries? Haters think there’s nothing wrong with drawing cats.

But oh, when the cat becomes a femboy it’s suddenly a problem.

Sketch Artist: [holds up drawing of a single strand of straw]

**Camel *[in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes]*:** that's him

Back in the days... (long)

Back in the days, on a beautiful spring day, a farmer had led his cow to a small stream next to a green, lush meadow. The animal happily guzzles some water, while the farmer milks her. Two engineers come hiking down the path that follows the stream.

"Excuse me, sir", says one, "what are you d...

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

What do you call a chicken's sidewalk drawing?

A chalk-a-doodle-do!

(Credit: My 6 year old daughter who makes up jokes while we're driving. Proud parent moment, she is getting to be one of the best pun-slingers I know)

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

A butler

… was dusting of the bookshelves when the phone rang. He picked up
“This is James speaking, at your service”
“James, is my wife at home?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she alone?”
“No, sir”
“Is she with my lawyer?”
“Yes, sir”
“And is she in her bedroom?”
“I’m afraid so, sir”
“I se...

What do you call a drawing of a laughing cookie?

A snicker-doodle

I made a quick drawing of a dark alleyway yesterday.

It's a very sketchy place.

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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

My son had a bad habit of drawing everywhere. First he started vandalising his toys, then the newspapers and eventually the furniture. But when he drew on the walls I had to stop him.

Because that's where I draw the line

My friend challenged me to finish his bird drawing. He had already drawn the head, torso and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made...

"Excellent son, good job!"

The dad says.

"I'd rate this 47/46."

A kindergarten teacher was observing the children while they drew.

She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.

As she got to Little Johnny who was working diligently, she asked what his drawing was.

Little Johnny replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without m...

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A little girl was drawing a picture of Jonah inside the whale in class...

Her teacher asked her "What's that?"

"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied

The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."

She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."

"What if he's not in heaven? Th...

I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings

In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out

Before the drawing board was invented ...

... what did people go back to?

I was drawing a graph for my report expecting a straight line. But I got a curve.

What a plot twist

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On a cold and rainy night

On a cold and rainy night during the era when traveling salesmen still pedaled goods door to door, Gary , a young English wallpaper representative breaks down on an Irish county road .Luckily ,there is a farm house not far from the road .As he is an englishman in Ireland , he cautiously makes his wa...

I ripped my drawing as it looked bad.

The guy I drew the tattoo for was horrified.

I was applying to volunteer at a blood drive, but they rejected me when they asked me to demonstrate drawing blood.

I guess they didn't want me to use crayon.

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He is a pick up artist.

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You know the smallest things can get you fired, one time I got fired because I ripped up a crappy drawing I did

Boy am I never gonna be a tattoo artist again

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