UPJOKE

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?” The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

When I was a kid, I once stayed up all night to see where the sun went

Then it dawned on me

I was up all night trying to think of a joke to do with the sun.

Then suddenly, it dawned on me.

What’s Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O’Furniture.

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner tog...

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night.

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T...

One morning, Mr. Johnson was driving home from his night shift. He had worked hard all night and his home was about an hour away from his workplace, so he decided to take a nap.

He pulled his car over to the side of the road and closed his eyes.

Fifteen minutes later, he was awakened by a jogger tapping on his window. Mr. Johnson rolled down the window.

"Do you know what time it is?" asked the jogger.

"No!" snapped Mr. Johnson. He rolled his window back...

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I've been up all night questioning my sexuality.

I just couldn't go straight to bed.

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

A guy drinks all night in a pub

When the pub closes, he tried to go home, but he can't stand on his feet, so he decides to crawl outside, maybe the fresh air will make him feel better.
But even outside he doesn't manage to get on his feet, so without a choice he crawls until he gets home, barely manages to reach the door handle...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

I was tripping all night last night...

...I should really work on my balance...

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

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Me and my buddies stayed up all night telling Yo Mama jokes.

She was laughing her fat ass off.

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come...

I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.

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A man had been drinking all night...

A man had been drinking all night at a bar before puking all over his shirt. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So he goes...

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

I found the magic remedy to cure my SO from loudly snoring all night!

I smothered him with a pillow.

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.

"E...

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

Why did the racist stay up all night?

Because he was afraid of the dark.

Been sitting in the ER all night. Don’t really want to go into details but...

The “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading product name

If you stay up all night, thinking: "Why?"

Then you won't get any ZZZ's

Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night?

She was wondering if there really is a dog.

My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.

In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.

After a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.

In one drawer he foun...

I was up all night wondering...

if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm all night...

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

What do you call a man who's spent all night drinking at a sports bar?

A cab.

A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

I stayed up all night last night trying to remember....

the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".



....I'll see myself out now.

I had a dream all night that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

I went on a date with a woman who spoke in similes all night......

...... I now don’t know what i metaphor.

Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?

Because he was resisting a rest.

When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come.

Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

I sleep all day and up all night

Guess I have bat habits : /

My best friend cried all night because her dog died. To make her feel better I gave her another one just like it.

Now she has two dead dogs.

Once I stayed up all night tryna find where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

(Sorry if it looks like a repost I just thought of it and posted it here.)

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night.

The mime next door went nuts!

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In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will prostitute for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.

When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!

I could tell jokes about Peter Pan all night.

It never gets old.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.

She...

Busy all night

A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wi...

I walked up to a woman in the club and said, "You could be the best looking woman I've seen all night!"

She said, "Aw! Thanks!"

I said, "You aren't, but you could be. If your face and body were completely different."

You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

I stayed up all night to think of a fleshlight joke

But I could never get it to come.

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I could hear the neighbours going for it all night last night due to the banging on the wall.

As it turns out, the wife's mother was staying with them and had fallen, breaking her hip. The banging was her trying to signal for help.

Guiltiest wank I've ever had.

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So Adam and Sarah partyed all night....

And in the morning, it was saturday and they had to go to sunday school.
Adam was wide awake but sarah was still hella tired.
They get there and Sarah immediately fell asleep as soon as the priest started talking. He eventually decided to give a pop quiz. He asked the first question.
"Wh...

i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

I live in a really bad neighborhood. A young girl was pounding on my door all night.

Eventually I had to let her out.

What's about 14 inches long and makes a young mama scream all night long?

Crib Death

A girl with terrible grammar talked my ear off all night without even noticing!

She was Ear Regardless

What did the bicycle say when asked if it wanted to stay up all night?

"I'm two tired".

Spent all night being teased by Medusa.

Now I'm hard as a rock.

I noticed that he called her 'donkey' all night, I asked why and she said.......

HEEE-AWWW, HEE-AWWW, HEEEE-AAAALWAYS CALLS ME THAT!

Unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iPhone?

There's a nap for that.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards...

I got a full house and four people died.

My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.

Don't think I cooked him properly.

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