I was tripping all night last night...

...I should really work on my balance...

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I've been up all night questioning my sexuality.

I just couldn't go straight to bed.

I was up all night wondering where the sun had gone...

And then it dawned on me.

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

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A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner tog...

A guy drinks all night in a pub

When the pub closes, he tried to go home, but he can't stand on his feet, so he decides to crawl outside, maybe the fresh air will make him feel better.
But even outside he doesn't manage to get on his feet, so without a choice he crawls until he gets home, barely manages to reach the door handle...

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happene...

In the spirit of St. Paddy's...What's Irish and stays out all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

What’s Irish and lays out on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick’s Day party?

Patty O’furniture

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day.

As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the bir...

I stayed up all night waiting for Santa to come...

I finally got tired of waiting so I told him to get up, put his clothes on and leave.

A man has been at the Pub all night drinking

The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door...

I couldn't figure out why I can't sleep all night...

And then it dawned on me.

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

“Your dog bark all night!”

“It’s ok, he sleep during the day.”

I left my PC on all night and when I woke up, it was freezing

Turns out, I left the Windows open.

I found the magic remedy to cure my SO from loudly snoring all night!

I smothered him with a pillow.

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My body hurts as if I had been having sex all night long

But that "as if" is what hurts the most

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub...

...just to ask me what time it is.

Why did the racist stay up all night?

Because he was afraid of the dark.

If you stay up all night, thinking: "Why?"

Then you won't get any ZZZ's

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My hot neighbor wanted to have sex all night long...

She's single . . . She lives right across the street. I can see her house from my living room. I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street in the rain and up my driveway. She knocked on my door . . . I rushed to open it. She looked at me, and s...

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night?

She was wondering if there really is a dog.

My friend pulled a girl on a night out and ended up going back to her house where they made amazing love all night long.

In the morning, she excused herself early as she had to go to work and she left her number for my friend to call her later.

After a lie in he got up, showered and dressed, but before he left her house he couldn’t help but have a quick snoop in her bedroom drawers.

In one drawer he foun...

Been sitting in the ER all night. Don’t really want to go into details but...

The “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading product name

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long

I said maybe...

A man driving all night needed some rest..

A man driving all night needed some rest and decided to pull over on the side of the road to get some shut eye. Not long after he goes to sleep there is a loud banging at the window. The man jumps up and rolls down his window, outside is a jogger running in place in front of his window.


A man has been in a bar throwing them back all night.

Since he is a regular and never causes any trouble, the bartender lets him stay well past closing time.

The bartender has washed all the glasses, swept the floors, wiped the bar and tables down, and has closed down for the night. The bartender finally kicks him out just as the sun is coming ...

I was up all night wondering...

if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

I had a dream all night that I was a muffler

I woke up exhausted

Build a man a fire, he'll be warm all night...

Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

What do you call a man who's spent all night drinking at a sports bar?

A cab.

I went on a date with a woman who spoke in similes all night......

...... I now don’t know what i metaphor.

Once I stayed up all night tryna find where the sun went

Then it dawned on me.

(Sorry if it looks like a repost I just thought of it and posted it here.)

What do you call an Irishman that hangs out outside all day and all night?

Paddy O'Furniture

I stayed up all night last night trying to remember....

the difference between insomnia and amnesia.

My best friend cried all night because her dog died. To make her feel better I gave her another one just like it.

Now she has two dead dogs.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature.

He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.
As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morning, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the le...

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Two men are drinking at a bar all night. Finally, one man says to the other, “I hate to break up the fun, but I’ve got to go home and take off my wife’s underwear.”

The other man replies, “What makes you think you’ll be so lucky?”

The first man replies while walking out the door, “because they’ve been riding up my butt all night and I’ve had enough.”

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".

....I'll see myself out now.

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I met a beautiful lady last night, took her back to my place and we went at it all night, all sorts of weird and wonderful positions.

In the morning, she told me she had a confession.

"Thats the first time I've done that" she said.

"Sex?" I replied.

"Yeah, you see I hope you don't mind but I used to be Christian, and was never interested in sex with a man."

"That's fine, I don't mind" I said.


What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

I could tell jokes about Peter Pan all night.

It never gets old.

You browse the channels all night until you catch a glimpse of what you think is a nipple among the static.

You turn back to the channel in question to occasionally hear some grunting through the snow. You figure now is the best time if ever and for 30 minutes the picture finally comes in clear enough for you to discover that you have been spanking it to Mexican Wrestling.

How does Clark Kent’s mom stop him from fighting crime all night?

She makes him sleep in his crib-tonight.

Why was the man sent to prison after staying up all night?

Because he was resisting a rest.

When I was a little kid, I would wait up all night waiting for santa to come.

Then there was an awkward silence when he got up, put his pants on, and left.

I walked up to a woman in the club and said, "You could be the best looking woman I've seen all night!"

She said, "Aw! Thanks!"

I said, "You aren't, but you could be. If your face and body were completely different."

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night.

The mime next door went nuts!

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In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will prostitute for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.

When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!

I stayed up all night to think of a fleshlight joke

But I could never get it to come.

Busy all night

A married couple couldn't make ends meet and ran out of money. They decided since they had to pay the bills the wife would go to the streets to do some hooking.
The next morning she returns with $302 The husband says" Wow, thats great, but which assh*** gave you $2???". "All of them!" said the wi...

i went to a fancy dress party dressed as a globe and didnt speak to anyone all night.

I was in a world of my own

I live in a really bad neighborhood. A young girl was pounding on my door all night.

Eventually I had to let her out.

What's about 14 inches long and makes a young mama scream all night long?

Crib Death

To the woman who keeps pounding and screaming at my door all night:

I'm not letting you go...

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I could hear the neighbours going for it all night last night due to the banging on the wall.

As it turns out, the wife's mother was staying with them and had fallen, breaking her hip. The banging was her trying to signal for help.

Guiltiest wank I've ever had.

What did the bicycle say when asked if it wanted to stay up all night?

"I'm two tired".

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So Adam and Sarah partyed all night....

And in the morning, it was saturday and they had to go to sunday school.
Adam was wide awake but sarah was still hella tired.
They get there and Sarah immediately fell asleep as soon as the priest started talking. He eventually decided to give a pop quiz. He asked the first question.

Spent all night being teased by Medusa.

Now I'm hard as a rock.

What does an Irishman call it when the girl he's been chatting up all night accidentally vomits on him?

Second base.

Unable to fall asleep all night from browsing on your iPhone?

There's a nap for that.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards...

I got a full house and four people died.

My dog kept me awake all night.

Dreadful diarrhoea.

Don't think I cooked him properly.

I noticed that he called her 'donkey' all night, I asked why and she said.......


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