Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, bu...

I fell in love with a girl who only knew four vowels

She didn't know I existed

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

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Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A really fast apple.

80% of my couch fell on my foot today.

...ouch.

What's green, has 4 legs, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.

2 blood cells met and fell in love

Alas, it was all in vein!

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The teacher that fell.

A teacher is in her class. As she walks she slips and falls. 3 little boys can't contain themselves and laugh out loud.
Really angry she asks the first one. "What did you see?"
"Just calves ma'am"
"Go home for the day immediatly!"
Pointing at the second, "And you?"
"Just bum ma'am"...

A sheep, a drum, and snake fell off a cliff

Bah-dum-tiss

My wife fell in love with me again during covid-19

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome

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My cat fell in the pool..

My cat fell in the pool and the chicken standing next to the pool started laughing.


Moral of the story: Wet pussy makes cock feel good.

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I fell off my chair at the bar and pooped my pants

I guess I had a loose stool.

Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

I hope not. You’re only halfway there.

A photographer was badly hurt this morning when a huge block of cheese fell on him.

Everyone posing for the wedding party picture had tried to warn him.

Did you hear about the old lady who fell into the well?

Apparently, she left her glasses at home and couldn't see that well.

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Two aerials met on a roof and fell in love

They decided to get married.

The ceremony was awful,

But the reception was incredible!

A Blondie and a Brunette fell down a Dark well...

The Brunette said "It’s kinda dark down here"
The Blondie said "I don’t know, I can’t see"

Beer brewery manager on the phone with Mrs Jones: "Afraid I have bad news. Your husband fell into a vat of beer this morning." Mrs Jones started weeping. "Did he go quickly?"

"He climbed out three times - but only to pee."

A book fell on me today

I have my-shelf to blame

A woman had twin babies and fell asleep immediately after

A couple of weeks later she wakes up and asks the doctor, "Where are my babies?"

The doctor replies, "They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl. Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother had to name them"

"Oh no! What did he name them?" The w...

A drunk man was walking to his apartment, late one night, and accidentally fell down an elevator shaft.

When the paramedics arrived and pulled him out, he said, "Boy, that was a fast elevator!"

I suffered a broken collar bone, concussion and some minor bruising when I fell asleep at the wheel.

Got kicked out of pottery class too.

While we were in coitus, a skeleton fell from the chandelier (nsfw)

Well that certainly bones the mood

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I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!

*i love my new taser*

Madam, we brought your husband. He is very drunk,every time we lifted him he fell again.

Wtf, where is his wheelchair?!

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

I fell off a 30 foot ladder yesterday.

I'm fine, I was only on the second rung.

A man fell out a window and broke a bone.

It was humerus.

Did u just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?

Yes I watched it all unfold

There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a ledge. The big moron fell off, why didn't the little one?

He was a little more on

Two drums and a cymbal fell off a cliff.

Ba dum tss.

What did the police officer say to the failed porta potty thief that got crushed when it fell on him during his attempted getaway?

“Stop! In the name of the law, you are under arrestroom!”

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I sit next to this woman playing a slot machine who says "I've been sitting here so long my butt fell asleep "

I said "I know. I heard it snoring."

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

I was enjoying a sandwich on a cliff, but it fell from my hands.

I thought to myself...

“This sub has gone downhill”.

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The woman tells her husband: "the clock fell off the wall and almost hit my mother in the head".

The husband replies: "Shitty clock, always late!".

I fell out of a dogwood tree last night.

Luckily it was all bark and no height

A man fell in love with a mermaid

Everything went on smoothly until his mother began to smell something fishy.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.

He was a victim of his own success.

So did it hurt when you fell?

Her: from heaven?..

No. When you fell face first, right there at the entrance. I saw. Everyone saw.

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wil...

Just been told my uncle tragically died at the brewery. He fell into a vat and drowned.

I don't think he suffered too much though, because he managed to get out twice to pee.

Wait until you hear about this guy who fell for clickbait





I mean... that was a little too easy.

Sean Connery was arranging his bookcase when one of the books fell from the top and landed on his head.

Unfortunately Sean Connery only had his shelf to blame.

A particularly blind man fell into a well....

cause he couldn't see that well...

Did you hear about the cripple that fell from a tree?

He didn’t walk away from it.

I fell in love with a female electrician

She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me

A big moron and a little moron were standing on a bridge, the big moron fell off

The other was a little more on.

(Sorry if this is a repost, I just remembered my dad telling it forever ago and thought I'd share because it made me chuckle)

One day Brock Lee fell off stage during filming.

He bumped his head pretty hard, and fell into a coma.

After a while, the director and other actors urgently went to the hospital to check up on him. The doctor who was overseeing Brock came out and said

"We hope he gets better soon, but as of now, he is in a vegetative state."

A carrot, some corn and a cucumber fell into the ocean.

They are all c foods.

Al, Ben, and Carl were fishing in the middle of a lake when Al fell overboard.

Ben jumped into the lake to rescue Al. When he finally found Al, he threw the body onto the boat and Carl pulled him up.

As soon as Ben was safely in the boat, he noticed that Al wasn't breathing, so he quickly gave Al mouth-to-mouth.

"Yuck!" said Ben. "I don't remember Al having such ...

What happened to the steak that fell down?

It became ground beef

I was paying for my stuff at the grocery store and a condom fell out of my wallet.

I was a little embarrassed.

I looked at it, then at the cashier. We both looked down, then back to eachother, then to the corner of the room avoiding eye contact.

I said "Look, I'm really sorry about that. I thought I flushed it."

Did you hear about the French man who fell off his roof onto a pile of bread?

He survived, but was in a lot of pain.

(Le pain means bread in French)

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

What do you call an astronaut who fell out of his spacecraft?

Popeye.

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

Cleopatra fell out of her boat but wouldn’t admit she was wet.

She was in denial.

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I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep –

that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.

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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with...

My overweight friend fell down the stairs

He was fine. everyone was concerned, however the floor was cracking up

A couple met in Myrtle Beach and fell in love.

They were discussing how to continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said, “ I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”

“Well,” she said, “ since you’re being honest, so will I. I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he s...

A man named Naver fell in love with a woman named Yoo

After a while of awkward conversations, Naver confessed his love to Yoo. Yoo accepted, and they started dating. It started small, going to the movies, and eventually they moved in with eachother.
Eventually, they got married, had a massive wedding, inviting all of their friends, family, and the...

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

There was an accident at a furniture factory last week - a guy fell into the sofa reupholstery machine.

...he is completely recovered now.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

The shoe I'm wearing just fell apart.

I guess it was on it's last leg.

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

I was making breakfast for my kids and I tripped. I fell onto a hot iron.

It was waffle

Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.

I was stumped.

What happened to the Mexican after he fell on some grass?

He had a “graci-ass”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary

One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt....

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

My uncle fell asleep in traffic and got run over...

I guess he got tired

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After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.



When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"



The mysterious Man answered "This isn...

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the...

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2 old people sitting on a bench one turns to the other and says my butt fell asleep the other says

yep i heard it snore a couple of times.

A man asked his friend "how did your mother died?"

"She fell off the roof and destroyed the balcony" his friend replied.

"Oh then she died?" asked the man.

"No, then she fell on the garage and destroyed it." his friend responded.

"Ah! Then she died?" the man asked again.

"No! Then she fell on the car and destroyed it"
...

A woman picking apples at a farm fell from a ladder, breaking her neck...

Fortunately, another farmhand saw her and quickly brought her in to where the horses were housed.

She's now in stable condition.

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Oh, April!

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and ...

I fell asleep at the mall today...

I was counting customers leaving the Apple store

A chemist fell in love with an archeologist

They’re now carbon dating.

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Donald and Mike

Donald Trump and Mike Pence were travelling down Route 66 when Donald fell asleep at the wheel and crashed head on to oncoming traffic and they both died. When Donald and Mike reached the pearly gates of hell Mike said:

"Listen Devil, my time on earth is not done yet. I'll do whatever you wa...

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey, what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint. Come up and join me"

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they have another joint. After a while, the lizard ...

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I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.

He started counting but he fell asleep.

A Chinese man fell down from his bike

He hurt his Chi-knees

Once upon a time there 3 balloons, mummy balloon, daddy balloon and baby balloon.

Tired of baby balloon creeping into their bed every night, "Tonight you must stay in your own bed" said mummy.

When he was sure his mummy and daddy were asleep baby balloon crept into their room and tried to squeeze into their bed.

But try as he might he just couldn't fit in, so he...

An evil witch put a curse on a prince so that he could only speak one word each year.

If he didn't say anything for a year, he would be able to say two words the next year and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three m...

An aircraft fell out of the sky in soviet Russia

It was Stalin

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

It's ok, he's fully recovered!

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

A student fell asleep in class so the teacher kicked him. "WTF!" the student screamed.

"You have been kicked due to inactivity."

Heard of the guy who fell into a tub of sulphuric acid ??

Yup he had an acid trip

A wire just fell from the ceiling

I was shocked when the electrician couldn’t fix it.

Joseph

One night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, fell over and broke my glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, I didn't even know where he was from, but since he was my roommat...

An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her

An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

A Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher Baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher...

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,

'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Yes, I am.'

So the preacher grabs hi...

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A pastor is hiring a new bell boy to ring the church bell.

So a boy walks in with no arms, that wants to apply for the job. The pastor says "I don't think you qualify". The boy responds with "nonsense, let me show you"

They head up the bell tower. The boy proceeds to get a running start and headbutts the bell to make it ring. The pastor shakes his he...

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How many cops does it take to push a black man off the stairs?

None, he fell off.

I fell through a window once...

It was quite the pane-ful experience

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

I met an old farmer who had a pig with a peg leg

I asked him, “Why do you have a pig with a peg leg?”

Looking very proud he responded, “Well, that’s an amazing pig. Never had such a great pig before.”

Not understanding, I asked, “Sure, but why does he have a peg leg?”

Then the old farmer said, “Well, there was this one time t...

I was smoking an e-cigarette in bed and fell asleep.

I woke up to find my whole house was on the internet.

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

Did you hear about the optician who fell into the lens grinder?

Yeah, he made a spectacle of himself.

I fell in love in fifth grade

We laughed together.

We cried together.

We hugged.

We kissed.

I lost my teaching license and now face criminal charges.

I stepped on a bottle of medicine and fell down the stairs...

... that’s the last time I trip on robotussin.

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

When the young couple had their first babythe task of passing on the news fell to the father.

He called up one person and said, "Hi there! It's a boy!"

There was a pause at the other end. Then a voice said hesitantly:

"Yes, I can tell that, but ... who are you?"

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