UPJOKE
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How do you know you're falling asleep and not just dying peacefuly?

You don't.

A man went to the doctor because he had trouble falling asleep.

The doctor told him to count to 1000 every night to help him fall asleep.

So that night, the man got into bed and started counting to 1000. When he got to 50, he started feeling very tired, so he got up, made himself a coffee, and went back to bed to keep on counting.

What do you call a wizard falling down a staircase?

Tumbledore

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An elderly woman's husband keeps falling asleep in church

An elderly lady's husband habitually falls asleep during the sermon, so she meets with the pastor one Saturday and tells him "Give me a wink every time you notice my husband falling asleep so I can poke him with a hat pin and wake him up." The pastor agrees.

The next day, sure enough, during...

Someone was falling into a black hole

The gravity of their situation was really becoming apparent.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Did you hear about Post Malone falling while performing?

He seems okay now. It was just a stage he was going through.

What's the difference between falling off of the tenth floor and falling off of the first floor?

One goes AAAAAAAAAA! Thud
The other goes Thud. AAAAAAAAAA!

Why do Russian officials keep falling out of windows lately?

Because they no longer have the iron curtain.

a guide to falling down the stairs

Step 1
Step 3
Step 6
Step 10
Step 15
Step 21
Step 25
Floor

I was fired after falling asleep.

Being diagnosed with narcolepsy ended my career as a skydiving instructor.

I had a falling-out with a fellow member of Contract Fetishists Anonymous...

... but we came to terms in the end.

What’s big and white and will kill you if it lands on you after falling from a tree?

My fat sister who likes climbing trees

What do you call a man falling down the stairs with a hard on?

Rock and roll

A old woman visits a doctor after a falling down the stairs, injuring her hip.

Doctor: “you took quite a tumble, you are going to need to take it easy and definitely avoid stairs for several weeks while you heal.”

Woman: “I suppose I could sleep downstairs, but what if I realize I need something and it is upstairs?”

Doctor: “Do you have a neighbor you could ask ...

A great tragedy befalls Russia

At a state dinner dozens of high ranking officials have died. After eating a mushroom cream soup generals started falling to the floor left and right.

The investigation is quick: the official cause is mushroom poisoning. Members of the press are invited to the scene of the tragedy.

"A...

The fictional scenarios in your head will die with you, like a tree falling in the forest with no one around to hear

Unless you post on TIFU

I bought a bottle of whiskey at the shops today

I tied it to my bike to take it home, but on the way I realised if i fell off my bike, the bottle would smash. So I stopped, drank the whole bottle and carried on my way.

It’s a good thing I did - I ended up falling off my bike several times!

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A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help.

The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.

So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our savior?" then nods to...

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton.

a man walks into a bar....

a man walks into a bar, puts an iguana and a frog on the bar and orders a pint.

the barman spots this and says "oi, wtf are you doing bringing them in here?!?"

the man takes a sip of his pint and says to the barman "i bet you 100£ i can make the frog sing".

the barman says "ok, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate sex on the TV

I keep falling off

What do you call falling for a pyramid scheme online?

E-gypped

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy keeps falling asleep in church (Long)

So Charlie has a problem with falling asleep in church. He turns to his friend sitting beside him. "Here", he says handing him a straight pin. "Stick me with this pin if I fall asleep". His friend agrees, and Charlie settles in for the service.

The service goes on for a while, and the priest ...

A girl runs up to her mother.

"Mummy, why am I named Feather?"
"Because when you were newborn a feather came falling from the sky and landed on your forehead."

Next day the little brother comes running.

"Mummy, why am I named Leaf?"
"Because when you were newborn a leaf came falling from the sky and lande...

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Falling For You

A construction crew were working on a new high-rise building, and joking about how high up they were. On a particularly windy day, they decided to play a little game.



"I bet you can't have a piss off the end of that platform"

"Sure I can, though you go first"



The...

I made a joke about falling

It went down well

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.

His wife told reporters, at least he didn't suffer - it was instant.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

Marsupials in Australia have been found drinking puddles of water with premium leaves from eucalyptus trees that have falling into them and enjoying it.

They believe it's some koala tea

What is the difference between falling from 10 storey building and 1 storey house?

10 storey building: "AAAAAAAAAAA" *BAM*

House: *BAM* "AAAAAAAAAAAAA"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of an unlucky man

Once upon a time, there lived an unlucky man. He was so unlucky that he was born with 1 testicle. One day, he got into a plane flight and the plane started falling. It was announced that someone needed to jump in order to save the plane and its other passengers. They did some voting and the unlucky ...

I just got back from the funeral of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.

The funeral was sad, but the reception was excellent.

A priest passes away and goes to heaven…

He arrives at St Peter’s gate and joins the back of the queue.

Shorty after, Bob the bus driver passes away. St Peter sees Bob and waves at him - “Bob! Come on over! Please go through you’re very welcome and please enjoy heaven you deserve it!”

The priest is flabbergasted and confused....

A man is falling out of a plane.

A man is falling out of a plane, intending to go parachuting. He pulls the ripcord, and it breaks.

Okay, he thinks. That's why there's a backup. He pulls the backup ripcord, and... It breaks.

At this point, he's thoroughly worried. But then, he sees a guy flying up right at him, as tho...

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

My wife didn’t like my joke about a prisoner with dwarfism falling out of a window...

...she said it was a little condescending.

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NFSW A young man had made up his mind to become a lumberjack. So he takes all his tree falling equipment to a lumberjack camp in Quebec.

On his first day he does very well. Keeping up with the other lumberjacks all day.

When the evening meal came, he joined the circle sitting around the campfire, eating the standard
woodsmen's fare; beans & black coffee.

Around the middle of their meal one of the largest lumberj...

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