A falling battery killed a man today.

**It was charged with murder.**

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Local man killed by falling piano

It will be a low key funeral.

The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%

The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

Trump, Putin and Lukashenko were flying in the same plane. The plane starts falling, but there's only one parachute.

"Let's vote who gets the parachute" says Lukashenko.

They vote, Lukashenko wins, takes the parachute and jumps out.

Trump says to Putin: "One thing I don't understand, there's 3 of us in the plane, but Lukashenko had 15 votes.."

What's the difference between a person falling off 10th floor and 1st floor of a building?

The person falling of the 10th floor would sound like "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" *THUD*

The person falling of the 1st floor would sound like *THUD* "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

People keep asking me why my keyboard keys keep falling off.

It's not like I have any Ctrl.

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

Nothing like waking up to the gentle pitter-patter of rain drops falling on your face.

Now to only figure out who robbed my roof.

A comment following the video of two different camera views of the guy falling off that drone motorcycle thing reminded me of this oldie but goodie: a guy walks into a bar....

....sits down, orders a beer, and is watching the 5 o’clock news: footage of a guy about to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Bartender says “I bet you $100 he does it.” Guy takes the bet, and not long after has to pay up...

A few minutes later, bartender comes back. “I’m sorry man, I can’t t...

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

What is the difference between falling off from a mountain and falling off from a house roof?

Falling off a mountain: ah ah ah ah ah .....Thud!

Falling off a house roof: Thud! ah ah ah ah ah .....

My husband died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work.

He didn't suffer, it was instant.

What do you call a falling clock?

Downtime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend died after falling into a huge vat of beer.

It took 5 hours to kill the poor bastard and he had to get out 3 times to take a piss.

A step by-step-guide on falling down a flight of stairs:

Step 1:
Step 2:
Step 4:
Step 7:
Step 12:

What do Millennials and Tarzan falling to his death have in common?

"I miss Vine."

A plane is falling and will eventually crash

A hot blonde stewardess is running to a handsome Italian guy.

The stewardess takes off her clothes and says “If this is going to be my last day on earth, treat me like a women!”

The Italian guy takes off his shirt and says “Iron this”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the only thing that will completely stop a falling elevator full of people?

The basement.

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men and a wizard are on top of a tower with no way down, the wizard says to the three men, "jump and say something while falling, and whatever you said will meet you at the bottom"

The first man jumped and yelled "pillows!". The man landed safely on some pillows. The second man jumped and yelled "Hay!". He was saved by landing in a pile of hay. The third man took the longest to jump because he was afraid of heights, but when he finally jumped he look down and yelled "OH CRAP!"

Did you hear the mobster tell the punchline of the joke about the famous British chef that was skewered, clean through, after falling onto more than one male Bighorn sheep?

"Gored on rams, see?"

Usain Bolt has announced dead after falling from 3 story building.

News sources are reporting he was ready for death due to the fact that he hit the ground running.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling...

I guess you could say it was two tired!

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

How did an amputee cat regrow a leg after falling of a building?

Well, we all know that a cat always lands on all fours.

Once I started falling down the mountain,

It all went downhill from there.

The difference between standing up and falling down...

The difference between standing up and falling down is actually staggering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Four Balconies- NSFW

There was an apt building with 4 balconies. On the bottom one there was a guy that loved to eat pickles every day out there. On the balcony above him was an eccentric painter that was obsessed with the color green and if anything, even a leaf flew by, he'd grab it and paint it green. On the 3rd balc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.

It’s forever burned in her mammary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

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